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Jamie's phone pings with a text just as he's unloading his shopping from the car. It takes him at least four times longer to do the Big Shop lately than it used to, once he factors in all the selfie requests and the kids (and some adults) following him around the place trying to work up the courage to approach him. But despite the additional inconveniences, he still prefers going shopping in person to ordering his groceries online. When he tries to place an order he inevitably finds himself staring at an empty virtual basket completely unable to decide what he wants or needs, but when he’s wandering around the actual aisles he has no problem filling his trolley.
He plans to get his shopping unpacked and then go for a long soak in the bath. It's been a rollercoaster few days. From the high of beating West Ham, to the low of not quite winning the league, which then quickly turned back into jubilation when the realisation set in that it still means they came fucking second in the league. They'd achieved something literally nobody thought they could do. Fuck all the haters who had them finishing bottom. Fuck Zava and fuck his fucking avocados.
And all of that is before he even throws his dad being back in touch into the mix. He's still not sure how he feels about it but it's just a few texts here and there at the moment. He seems to be doing well, getting real help, and Jamie is pleased about that if nothing else.
He assumes that's who the new message is going to be from, but he's wrong. The new message is from the number he'd saved as Roy's Fit Sister just to annoy Roy if he ever saw his phone. He knows that makes it sound like there's a possibility Roy has another sister who isn't fit, but even if there was a third sibling Jamie's fairly certain the Kent genes only produce beautiful people. He shakes his head, aware he's letting himself get distracted, and reads the text.
Hi Jamie, it's Phoebe. Please can you ring me?
The last time this happened, Jamie had ended up having to explain to Gareth fucking Southgate that he needed to leave England training to go back down to London and attend a party for a totally made up but also incredibly important holiday, in order to make a little girl happy but mostly to wind up Roy Kent. Obviously Gareth was fully on board with the whole thing once Jamie had mentioned the last part.
He has no idea what he's going to let himself in for this time, but he's well up for finding out.
After a couple of texts back and forth to confirm that yes, her mum knows she's using her phone (Jamie's question) and no, Uncle Roy isn't currently anywhere in earshot of Jamie (Phoebe’s), he calls her to find out what she needs from him.
It's a very interesting phone call and it's what leads to Jamie sitting at Roy's sister's kitchen table on a Monday morning, eating a bowl of cornflakes while he waits for Roy to speak. Jamie can see Roy's brain cogs whirring and eventually it comes.
"I'm sorry, you want me to what?" Roy looks back and forth between Jamie and Phoebe, having listened to her proposal. She smiles sweetly at him.
"Stop swearing. For one week. Well, five days actually, so not even a whole week." Phoebe looks at Jamie and he nods encouragingly so she looks back at Roy. "It's a bet. I bet you can't do it."
"And how is he involved in this?" Roy glares and jabs his thumb in Jamie's direction.
Jamie grins and leans forward. "Well you see, Uncle Roy, here's the sweet part. If you can go the next five days without swearing, I will personally donate the rest of the money Phoebe's school needs to raise to build their state of the art football pitch."
"It's one hundred thousand pounds." Phoebe grins at Jamie.
Roy raises an eyebrow at him. "You're going to fucking donate a hundred fucking grand to a fucking primary school just for me to stop fucking swearing for a fucking week?"
Jamie stifles a laugh. That's an excessive number of fucks, even for Roy, and it certainly feels like he's trying to get in as many as he can before he has to stop. "Yep. Well. It’s not just Phoebe’s school, it’s all the schools in the community that are-" He stops himself, because the details aren’t important. "Yes, I am."
"Why?"
Jamie just smiles brightly at him. "Thought it would be fun. She only asked me to donate a signed England shirt for an auction and I was like, Phee. Come on. We can do much better than that."
"What if I just donate the fucking money myself and we don't have to go through with this whole fucking charade?"
"You could." Jamie had suspected this might come up. He leans back in the chair as casually as he can and folds his arms. "Why would you, though? Are you scared you won't be able to do it?" He makes a point to emphasise the word scared.
"Fuck off." Roy grunts and Jamie can read Roy like a book. He knows Roy won't back down from that sort of challenge and he just has to wait. "Fuck - fine. Five fucking days of no fucking swearing."
Jamie grins and holds his hand up for Phoebe to high five, which just makes Roy roll his eyes harder.
"When do we start then?"
"No time like the present!" Jamie grins and looks at his watch. "Tell you what, I'll even cut eight hours off the target for you. We start now, and we go to midnight on Friday. Piece of piss, right?"
Roy grunts. "Are you going to stop as well? Solidarity or whatever?"
Jamie snorts. "Fuck that!"
Phoebe rolls her eyes and holds her hand out to Jamie. "You still have to pay."
Jamie laughs and drops a pound into her outstretched palm. "Right then Roy. Any last words before we officially start the clock?"
"Yes. You absolute fucktrumpet, you are fucking going to pay for this in ways you can't even fucking imagine."
"I look forward to that." Jamie grins. This is already as much fun as he'd thought it would be. "Now don't be a bad sport about it, Roy! Oh, and Phoebe has a list for you of what you can and can't say. Basically mild blasphemy is fine but anything shit or above is off the table."
"I’ll shit on your table. I hate you both." Roy sighs, resigned to his fate. "Come on then, evil genius, time for school. Are you ready?" He stands and picks up Phoebe's school bag.
"Ready!" She jumps to her feet
Jamie stands up too. "Ready!"
Roy turns in a complete circle and stares at him. "What do you mean, ready? Where do you think you're going?"
"I'm coming with you, obviously." Jamie grabs his jacket from the back of the chair and pulls it on. "Gotta make sure you stick to the rules, don't I? The bet wasn't no swearing in front of Jamie and Phoebe, the bet was no swearing."
"You don't trust me?"
"No fucking chance." Jamie grins as he drops another coin into Phoebe’s pocket. "Now come on or Phoebe is going to be late for school."
-
TUESDAY
Jamie pushes Keeley's doorbell and steps back while he waits for her to answer. Roy is standing beside him, arms folded. "Remind me again what you said you left here and why I had to come with you to pick it up?"
Jamie presses his lips together and just doesn't answer. He'd made up some reason he absolutely had to go to Keeley's place today and hoped Roy wouldn't interrogate him too much, which had seemed to have worked until now.
"Oi."
"I said," Jamie begins slowly, carefully formulating his sentence. "I said she had something of mine, I didn't say it was something I left here."
Luckily he doesn't have to defend his made up reason any further before Keeley answers the door. She looks from Jamie to Roy and back again and shakes her head. "No. Not again!"
"Nonono, wait!" Jamie puts his hand out in case she tries to close the door. He gestures between himself and Roy. "We're good, yeah? Nothing like last time. Promise. I told you, we're sorry we were idiots." He'd already called her to apologise the next day and she'd accepted, but he couldn't blame her for being suspicious.
"Okay." She still looks uncertain, and it's probably not helped by the glower on Roy's face. "So in that case, what can I do for you?"
"This little twerp said you've got some sh- some stuff of his." Roy's arms are still folded. "I don't know why I had to come but he insisted."
"What?" She frowns and looks at Jamie. "I haven't-"
"I made it up, okay!" He throws his hands in the air and turns to look at Roy. "I made it up to get you to come."
"Why?" Keeley speaks first, but she and Roy both look as confused as each other.
"The thing is, Keeley, I wanted to let you know that Roy can't swear." Jamie grins.
Keeley says "what do you mean?" at the same time as Roy blurts out "for fu…dge sake."
Jamie stifles a snigger and Keeley turns to stare at Roy. "Did you just say fudge?!"
"Told you. He can't swear!" Jamie bounces on his toes and grins at her. "Me and Phoebe have made him a bet that he can't go til Friday without saying any bad words."
"No fucking way!" Keeley claps a little and starts to laugh. "Oh, this is fucking delicious. Please come the fuck in."
Jamie cackles and moves to follow Keeley inside before turning to check that Roy is still behind him. He hasn't made a move and he's still staring daggers at Jamie from the other side of the threshold, arms very resolutely folded across his chest.
"I still don't understand why we're here if she hasn't actually got anything of yours?"
Jamie rolls his eyes. "Because it's the close season, so you have no reason to leave your house every day. Where's the fun in a bet like this if you don't have to interact with anyone?"
"Why are you such a tw-" Roy stops and takes a breath. "Why are you such a pain in my smegging backside? Why aren't you away sunning yourself in Mykonos or Dubai like everyone else?"
Jamie grins. "Couldn't possibly, I'd miss you too much!" It's much easier to be honest but make it sound like a joke than to really delve into his actual feelings. It's not like he thinks there's any chance Roy might reciprocate Jamie’s ridiculous crush, but he’s really enjoying having reasons to insert himself into every part of Roy’s life that he possibly can. It’s a good second best option.
Keeley pops her head back out from the kitchen. "Are you two dickheads coming in or not?"
"Yes we are!" Jamie grins. "Come on Roy mate, in you come."
Roy grunts but he does what he's told, closing the door behind him.
"Roy?" Keeley hands them both mugs of coffee and shoos them into the living room. "It feels like now is a great time to admit that it was actually me who knocked red wine all over your copy of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and not actually a rogue pigeon that got into the house and then I chased it out with a rolling pin but unfortunately I was not quick enough to save your book?" She grins sheepishly. "Didn't happen. At all. Just clumsy old me."
"What - but - you told me it sha-" He cuts himself off and glances over at Jamie, who grins back encouragingly. This week is going to be a lot of fun. "Pooed. You told me it pooed on my chopping board. I bought a new one!"
"Yeah. Sorry about that. I just thought it was ugly."
"And you told me you were so traumatised by the whole thing that you had me out in the garden chasing the little dick…dickie birds…away any time any of them landed."
Jamie cackles. "That really happened?"
"For months!" Roy looks incensed.
"It got out of hand," Keeley admits. Jamie thinks she does look genuinely sorry about it, but he can also see the glint in her eye that means she definitely thought it was hilarious. "But hey, it’s all out in the open now. Feels good to get that off my chest, actually."
"Well done Roy." Jamie grins and pats him on the shoulder. "Some tough moments there but you made it through! 'Dickhead' to 'dickie birds' was a particular favourite of mine."
"Fu-" Roy stops himself and doesn't even try to turn the word into something else this time. He just shakes his head and lets it go.
"You really think he can do this for almost a week?" Keeley tilts her head and looks at Roy like he’s an exhibit in a museum.
"I'm still right here, I can hear you."
Jamie grins at Keeley and ignores Roy. "Hundred grand on the table if he can do it. For Phoebe."
"I don't think I want to know what the fuck an eight year old is going to do with a hundred grand. Is it blackmail? Has she murdered someone and needs to pay someone to cover it up?"
"You listen to too many true crime podcasts." Roy grunts.
"It's for her school. Anyway, Roy was like," Jamie stops and lowers his voice and attempts to do a South London accent. "What if I just give her the money and we don't go through this fucking charade-"
"If that’s supposed to be an impression of me it’s absolutely poop-eh." A slight smirk is playing on Roy's lips now and Jamie starts to giggle.
Keeley looks back and forth between them and raises an eyebrow. "You two are fucking weirdos and you're made for each other." Jamie thinks she at least sounds fond about it, not mad or confused.
He also doesn't think she's wrong.
"Anyway, I accused him of being scared to accept the challenge and that fucked him up and made him agree to it." Jamie grins. "And now I'm going to follow him around for a week like someone from the Guinness World Records, to make sure he sticks to the rules."
-
WEDNESDAY
Jamie leans on Roy's buzzer and hopes he's not too late. He has a rolled up yoga mat under his arm and he's dressed head to toe in fluorescent lycra with sweat bands around his forehead and wrists. There's a change of clothes for later in the gym bag slung over his shoulder, but he wanted to make an impression.
He's about to assume Roy already left and give Keeley a ring to get the address when the door opens and there he is, staring at Jamie suspiciously.
"What the fudging hell are you doing here and what are you wearing? The 90s called and Mr Motivator wants his outfit back." It's funny that Roy thinks he can comment on Jamie's outfit right now, because Roy is currently wearing a pair of dark blue yoga pants with a pale green cotton t-shirt and he looks so fucking soft and unRoylike that Jamie might actually die.
Instead of dying, Jamie pulls himself together and grins. "Hey, look at that! You're getting better at this already, dropping a fudge-bomb without a second thought." He shifts the mat under his other arm. "I'm here for yoga! Dunno who Mr Motivator is though. Don't forget, I were only a sexy little baby in the 90s, Roy. Part of 'em, anyway."
"Child." Roy mutters under his breath and then narrows his eyes. "How do you know about yoga?"
"Yoga is a pretty well known concept, grandad. It's not a secret."
Roy sighs heavily and rests his head against the door frame. "How did you know about my yoga class, you dipstick."
"Oh!" Jamie holds up his phone with a bright smile. "Synced our calendars, didn't I! Now I'll always know where you are."
"That's a violation of privacy and I don't think I want to know how you did that without me knowing about it."
"Probably don't, no." Jamie thinks he might be imagining the way Roy's eyes keep skimming his body. He knows the tight fabric leaves nothing to the imagination, but it's not like Roy would need to use his imagination to picture Jamie's body anyway. He's seen it plenty. Still, it gives Jamie a little tingle up the back of his neck to think that Roy might like what he sees.
Roy turns back into the house and doesn't close the door in Jamie's face, which Jamie takes as an invitation to follow him inside.
"Did you buy that just for this?" Roy points at the rolled up mat under Jamie's arm.
He watches Roy reach up into a high cupboard to grab a water bottle, his shirt riding up a bit as he stretches. "Uh." It's very distracting, and he finds it actually incredibly fucking annoying that it makes him feel a bit fluttery, considering he used to see Roy with almost all of his clothes off on a regular basis at work. What's with feeling like this over seeing a sliver of his stomach? "Oh, this? No, I already had this."
"You do yoga?" Roy sounds genuinely surprised.
"Obviously. Good for the core." Jamie pokes around in Roy's fruit bowl and picks out a banana.
Roy looks impressed for a second and then stops and stares at Jamie again. "And do you always do it dressed like that?"
"Depends." Jamie grins. He starts to peel the banana and takes a bite.
"On what?"
"That would be telling." He takes another bite of banana and then drops the rest of it back into Roy's fruit bowl. "Come on, we're gonna be late."
-
"Roy!"
Jamie is a few steps behind Roy as they walk into the community centre and he watches as a group of women about his gran's age swarm around Roy.
"Morning, ladies."
There's a buzz of chatter and Jamie stands slightly awkwardly to one side, clutching his yoga mat and pretending this is perfectly normal until suddenly-
"Roy did you bring a friend-"
"Oh my god it's Jamie from series eight of Lust Conquers All-"
"The footballer, you play for England-"
Everyone is speaking at once and Jamie is great at being the centre of attention but this is a lot, even for him.
"Oi!" Roy shouts and the ladies all go silent. "Yes, I brought a fu-" He stops and grits his teeth in frustration as he catches himself just in time. "A friend, yes, it's Jamie from series eight, yes, he’s a footballer and he plays for England."
"But you two always hated each other at Richmond!" The woman nearest to Roy speaks up and Jamie notices the lady beside her dig an elbow into her ribs, which is definitely weird.
"No, that's all in the past." A different one pipes up. "I mean." She clears her throat. "Oh, this is ridiculous. Roy, we know who you are."
Roy looks from one woman to the next, nodding slowly. Jamie is entranced. He has absolutely no fucking clue what's happening but he feels like he shouldn't speak or move or probably even breathe just in case.
"I know, Janice."
The woman - Janice - stares at Roy. Everyone else turns to look at him too. "You know?"
"I thought we all knew I knew you knew." Roy shrugs and Jamie's head is starting to hurt. He didn't come to yoga for fucking riddles. "I've always known you all knew, I thought we just weren’t talking about it."
"You've known all along?"
"You're not exactly flamin' stealthy." Roy laughs a bit. "Last month Tara wanted me to countersign her passport photo and she told me there was a new rule that you have to submit a picture of you with the applicant to prove you really know them."
The rib-elbower grimaces at being called out like that in front of the group and Jamie bites his lip to stifle a laugh.
"Listen, we're all good. Everything is out in the open." Roy starts to roll his mat on the floor. "Now are we going to do some fu-" He stops again, and Jamie is hanging on every syllable. "Fun. Are we going to do some fun yoga or are we just going to stand around and gossip all smegging day?"
Jamie watches as all six women look around the group and then back at Roy before answering in unison.
"Both!"
Roy rolls his eyes and laughs as they all begin to gravitate to individual spots on the floor and roll out their mats. Jamie hangs back at first, suddenly feeling a bit uncertain about being there. When he'd seen 'Yoga: 10:00-11:00' in Roy's diary, he hadn't anticipated he'd be crashing a regular thing Roy does with a group of friends. He wasn't sure exactly what he was expecting, but it wasn't this.
"Oi, Tartt." Roy's all set up and he's starting his stretches. He points at an empty space in front of him. "You can go there. Mary's not coming, her cat's got sciatica."
"Oh right, cheers, yeah." Jamie nods as if he knows what that means, other than that Mary's spot is available. He hopes her cat is okay. He winds his way through the people and rolls out his own mat, and he's quite relieved he's going to have his back to Roy for this. He hadn't really thought enough about what it might be like to watch Roy demonstrating his flexibility for an hour.
He pulls at his shorts uncomfortably. The lycra probably wasn't the most practical decision but at least he looks fucking banging.
"She's off limits, by the way." Roy's voice appears at his shoulder and he jumps in surprise as he turns around, confused.
"Hm?"
Roy nods towards the pretty brunette who's just arrived and is busy getting set up at the front of the room. Jamie presumes she must be the instructor and rolls his eyes.
"Not interested." Really not interested.
Roy nods and goes back to his stretching, and Jamie follows suit.
Suddenly he feels a hand on his arm and Maureen has appeared by his side. People need to stop creeping up on him with their bare feet and light footsteps. "If you need a hand with any of the moves, Jamie, just ask!"
"Leave him alone, Maureen!" Janice swoops past, looping her arm through Maureen's and guiding her away from Jamie.
"Just ask! Happy to help!" Maureen calls over her shoulder.
"Cheers Maureen, yeah. I think I'll be okay, but cheers." Jamie laughs to himself.
"They'll eat you alive if you're not careful." Roy mutters, and Jamie turns to look at him. He's already lying flat on his back, stretching his hamstrings. "But seriously, if any of the moves are too difficult, just skip them. It’s a pretty relaxed class."
"Like I said." Jamie turns away from Roy. "Think I'll be okay." He knows he should warm up properly but while he's got Roy's attention he wants to show off.
He lowers himself easily into a squat and plants his hands on the floor in front of him, propping his knees against the back of his arms. He takes a deep breath and his tongue pokes out involuntarily in concentration as he slowly rocks forward, putting all of his weight onto his arms and lifting his legs up into the air behind him. He holds the position for a few seconds and then drops out of it just as he hears coughing from behind him.
"Show off." Roy mutters. Jamie glances behind him and sees Roy's face is red, he's still coughing and he's reaching for his water bottle.
"It's nice to see a new face!" The instructor calls out from the front of the room, waving and smiling at Jamie. "We'd usually leave a move as advanced as Crow Pose until after the warm up, but it's nice to see you're keen to get started!"
"Sorry!" Jamie grins sheepishly and turns to beam at Roy. "Did you hear that? She called me advanced."
"You're an advanced muppet, that's for sure." Roy stands up, ready to start. "Now shut up, turn around and pay attention."
Jamie grins and does as he's told. He behaves like an angel, completes every move with near perfect form and of the few times Jamie steals a glance behind at Roy, at least twice he catches Roy just sitting on the floor, staring at him.
Roy pretends he's just taking a sip of his water but Jamie isn't going to fall for that. Roy was checking him out, impressed with his mad flexibility, Jamie's sure of it. And probably also wishing he was allowed to call Jamie a flash twat or a swotty dickhead or any one of the thousand insults-but-he-loves-me-really phrases Jamie knows Roy is dying to say.
When the class finishes they go from yoga to brunch, and from brunch to Phoebe's school to meet Maureen's grandson. Now that Maureen no longer has to pretend she doesn't know that Roy is actually a famous footballer, she asks if he'd mind coming with her to pick him up because apparently the boy doesn't believe his gran really knows one of Chelsea's greatest ever players.
Jamie's invited too, and although he's obviously a bit wide-eyed at meeting Jamie Tartt, the lad is a Blue through and through and is definitely more interested in meeting Roy. At one point, Jamie nudges Roy and leans in. "Nice of the lad to be interested in charity work, letting an old man go on and on about the good old days."
After all, there was nothing in the rules to say he couldn't try to provoke Roy into swearing. Roy turns slowly and stares at Jamie for a good ten seconds, and then reaches forward and flicks him on the ear.
"Ow!"
"Behave yourself if you don't want another one of those."
Since they're already at the school, Roy phones his sister and tells her that he and Jamie will take Phoebe for ice cream when they've finished their impromptu meet & greet.
After ice cream they take Phoebe home and she wants Uncle Roy and his best friend to share the very important job of reading with her before bed. Jamie bites his cheek to keep from smiling too much when he notices that Roy isn’t insisting this time that Jamie isn’t his best friend, and Jamie doesn't argue either.
By the time they get back to Roy's place, where Jamie had left his car before yoga, it's late.
"You might as well just stay here." Roy throws it out there casually like it's nothing while he's opening the door. "Since I assume you're planning on coming back here tomorrow to babysit my language again."
Jamie thinks he does a pretty good job of covering his delight. "Yeah, sound." He smiles. "Shall we order a kebab? I know a place."
-
THURSDAY
Jamie wakes up in a strange bed and it takes him a minute to remember he's in Roy's guest room. He'd fallen into bed in the dark and dropped off straight to sleep last night, so he hadn't really taken in his surroundings at the time. The room is pristine, with white walls accented by dark picture frames and mahogany furniture.
In the en-suite he finds little bottles of shower gel and shampoo and a brand new toothbrush and toothpaste. He wouldn't be surprised if he opened the wardrobe to find a dressing gown and slippers.
He can hear Roy moving around downstairs already so he rolls out of bed and has a quick shower, making use of Roy's free toiletries. He pulls on his clothes from yesterday, extra glad he’d brought something to change into after yoga. Nobody should ever be wearing yesterday's lycra.
The room he slept in is on the top floor of the house and he tries not to be too nosy as he makes his way down to the kitchen, resisting the urge to poke his head into every room he passes and have a quick shufty inside. He does, however, stop in his tracks as he rounds the corner outside of Roy’s bedroom to come down the last flight of stairs and is faced with a carefully framed England shirt with KUNT printed on it, taking pride of place on the wall between a Chelsea shirt and a Sunderland one. He grins to himself that his (not so) silly little gift had made such an impact and decides not to make a fuss about it.
"How come your guest room is like you Googled how to seem hospitable?" He grins as he walks into the kitchen where Roy is busy unloading the dishwasher. "Cheers for the toothpaste by the way."
"The interior designer bought all that boll- baloney. That stuff. Whatever. The point is, nobody's ever used that room."
Jamie has already started opening cupboards, looking for where the plates live so that he can help Roy put things away. He stops and screws up his face, surprised. "What, never?!"
Roy shrugs as he points at the right cupboard and hands the plates to Jamie. "Phoebe has her own room. Nobody else has ever stayed here except for Keeley and obviously I wasn't making her sleep in the spare bed."
"Right." Jamie finishes with the plates and starts poking around in the fruit bowl. "Where's my banana?"
"The banana you ate half of yesterday and left out, open, at room temperature? It's in the clucking compost bin where it belongs."
Jamie pouts. "I was gonna finish that for my breakfast."
"Disgusting." Roy shakes his head. "It was brown."
Jamie shrugs and jumps up onto the counter, swinging his legs and banging his heels off the cupboards. "So what are we doing today then?"
"You tell me, you've apparently got my calendar."
"Nothing in it today."
"Exactly."
"Boring."
Roy sighs and Jamie half expects him to say something like you're welcome to leave but instead he picks up his house keys and wallet. "Why don't we go out and get breakfast?"
Jamie grins. "Yeah?" He jumps down from the counter and picks up his jacket from where he'd abandoned it on the back of one of Roy's breakfast bar chairs. "Let's go!"
They head out to a café Roy recommends and Jamie happily goes along with his suggestion. Roy buys fancy coffees and bacon sandwiches for both of them and he pays and if Jamie didn't know better he'd wonder if it was a date. It's definitely not a date.
"I could have paid for mine."
"You're good. You're gonna be a hundred grand down by the weekend, the least I can do is buy your breakfast." Roy collects the sandwiches from the server and hands one of the bags to Jamie so they can move down to the condiments table. Roy opens his sandwich up and liberally squirts ketchup all over it while Jamie debates whether he wants red sauce or brown. He goes with brown and then looks up to see Roy staring disapprovingly.
"You've just ruined a perfectly good bacon roll."
"Fuck off. Sauce of the gods, this." They pick up their food and their coffees and head out. Jamie isn't sure where they're going, but a walk sounds like fun.
"It's just called brown sauce, brown isn't a flavour. What’s it got in it? I don't trust it."
"Colours can be flavours, Roy. Blue slush. Oranges. Are you telling me you don't trust an orange? What's it gonna do to you?"
Jamie doesn't get the chance to find out Roy's opinion on oranges because at that very moment an orange tries to kill them both.
An orange car, anyway.
It happens in a flash - they're standing at the zebra crossing and nothing is coming, so they step out to cross. Roy turns to look at Jamie and presumably is about to tell him exactly why you should never trust an orange when a fucking orange monstrosity comes flying around the corner paying no attention to the people in the middle of the road. Jamie throws his arm out to push Roy back onto the pavement just as the car comes screeching to a halt on top of the zebra markings.
"What the fuck, man! You could have fucking killed us!" Jamie steps in front of the car as the driver scrambles to get out.
"Shit, Jamie!" Jamie recognises that voice. Come to think of it, he recognises the car too. "I'm so sorry!"
Roy sighs loudly from somewhere behind Jamie's right shoulder and Jamie turns to see Roy's full cup of hot coffee has been distributed evenly across his front. He peels his t-shirt away from his chest with his thumb and forefinger and tries to waft it dry. "Hi Colin."
Colin is standing beside his car, pushing his sunglasses on top of his head as Michael gets out the passenger side. Colin's eyes widen as surveys the scene.
"Roy, fuck. I'm so sorry, I-"
"You really fudging need to think about buying a fudging car that you can fudging handle, Colin. This isn't a cute fudging personality quirk any more, it's an actual danger to fudging life."
Colin narrows his eyes at Roy as he processes the fudge-based rant, then turns to Jamie and lowers his voice. "Did he hit his head? Have I broken Roy?"
Jamie starts to laugh. "No, Colin, don't worry. You haven't broken him." A bit of a crowd is starting to gather around them. "We're in the middle of a bet, and he's not allowed to swear until Saturday."
"He's what?" Colin squeaks. "Holy shit."
"So you picked a brilliant time to try and kill us, because he can't swear at you."
"I didn't try to - I'm sorry!"
"I'm trying to get him to buy a Volvo," Michael pipes up and Colin makes a vomiting motion. "Or get the bus."
"Oi, you flash twat," somebody shouts from the back of the crowd. "You gonna leave your dickheadmobile in the middle of the road all fucking day?"
Colin pulls a face and shouts back in the direction it came from. "Sorry!" He jogs back to the car, climbing in and winding down the window to point at Roy. "I'm so sorry again Roy, send me your dry cleaning bill and I'll take care of it."
"Colin mate, Roy's got five hundred black t-shirts, he won't miss one."
There's a queue of traffic building up behind Colin's car now and few people have started to honk their horns. Roy grunts. "Go on. Get lost."
Colin doesn't need to be told twice and he manages to control the car enough to exit the scene without any further incidents.
"Come on." Jamie loops his arm through Roy's. "Back to the café. I'll buy you another coffee and we can take them back to yours."
-
When they get back to Roy's place he heads upstairs to change out of his soggy, coffee covered t-shirt while Jamie carefully unboxes the selection of pastries he'd bought for them to share. Roy's phone is sitting on the kitchen table and it pings once and then after a few seconds gap, starts pinging over and over again.
Roy walks back into the room just as Jamie is licking his sticky fingers and bringing the plates across to the table. "Someone's popular!"
Roy frowns and picks up his phone. Jamie realises he's not sure where he left his own mobile and goes to retrieve his jacket from the coat hook in the hall so that he can check the pockets.
"Oh for fu-"
"What's up?" He shouts back as he successfully locates his phone. He glances down at the messages that are flooding the group chat and thinks he knows the answer.
"Colin spilled the beans about the bet in the group chat." Roy sighs. "Am I allowed to swear if it's in writing?"
"Obviously fucking not." Jamie sits down with his coffee and reads through the messages that have come into the chat. They're a mixture of confusion, conspiracy (those are just the ones from Bumbercatch) and some of the lads trying to goad Roy into saying something to lose the bet.
The one from Jan simply says This is impossible, Jamie. You cannot win this bet.
"How about emojis?"
Jamie laughs. "You can't use the middle finger, or the V's."
"Hm." Roy grunts and Jamie watches the chat as Roy replies to each message with the censored Memoji. He stops at Dani's message (a note very kindly asking if there's anything anyone can do to help) and looks up at Jamie. "How about if it's in another language?"
"Do you know how to swear in another language, Roy?"
"A bit, in Spanish and Italian. The important words."
"Then no."
Roy frowns. "What would you have said if I'd said I don't know how?"
"Well then it wouldn't have mattered, would it? Because you wouldn't have been able to, because you don't know how."
Roy blinks at him. "You're such a weirdo."
"Right though, aren't I?"
Roy just stares at him some more and doesn't say anything, which makes Jamie grin even more smugly as he takes the last bite of his pastry and wipes crumbs from his chest.
"I'm gonna go home and get changed into something I didn't wear yesterday. If you want to spend an hour swearing your face off to get it out of your system, that'll be your chance."
"No." Roy grumbles. "That's cheating and I'm not a cheat."
Jamie grins. "Atta boy, grandad." He picks up his phone. "I'll be back soon."
-
FRIDAY
"Oi."
Jamie's obviously still asleep and this is a dream, because there's no reason Roy would be standing beside his bed. "No." He slides his arms underneath his pillow and cuddles into it. "Asleep."
The next thing Jamie knows, the pillow is gone and his head hits his arm. "Hey!" He opens one eye and then quickly opens the other one when he sees Roy actually is standing beside his bed, only it isn't his bed, he's back in Roy's guest room. "What time is it?"
"Do you want to go for a run?"
Jamie sits up and rubs the back of his hand over his eyes. "That's a funny sounding time." He leans over and checks his phone. "Roy, mate. It's 6am!"
"Yeah, I've given you a lie in."
"It's the close season, this is not a lie in." Jamie yawns. "Give me ten minutes."
Roy nods and leaves the room. Jamie stretches out in the bed for a minute and then rolls out of it, rummaging through the overnight bag he'd brought back with him yesterday. Roy hadn't questioned the fact he’d turned up with a bag of clothes.
He gets dressed and makes his way downstairs, pushing his headband back into position as he jogs down the last few steps. "Ready to go, coach!"
He's not really sure what's happening here. They hadn't actually discussed the close season, they'd just sort of fallen away from training and Jamie had missed it. The structure and the challenge, sure, but mostly he missed hanging out with Roy. Which is hardly surprising on account of the fucking giant crush, but still. He'd accepted they probably wouldn't start training together again until next season and even then, who knows if they'd start up again in the same way. It all depends on who comes in to replace Ted.
So this is a nice surprise that he's not going to argue with even if it is six in the fucking morning.
They head out and it's like they've never stopped. They fall nicely into a familiar rhythm, running side by side in silence for the first mile or so.
"My dad wants to see me." He blurts out. He doesn't know where it came from, he hadn't been planning to say it. He’d barely even been thinking about it. "Or like, I think he does. Maybe. I'm not sure, really."
"What?" Roy glances over at Jamie and manages not to miss a step. "What does that cun-"
"Roy!" Jamie cuts across the word before Roy can finish and Roy clamps his mouth shut. It's the last day, the final stretch. As funny as it would be for Roy to fall at the final hurdle, Jamie doesn't really want him to and he certainly doesn't want his dad to be the reason.
"Sorry." Roy swallows as he runs. "What does he want? Money? Glory? Something else?"
Jamie shakes his head and runs a bit further without answering while he gathers his words. "I think he's sorry."
Whatever Roy thought Jamie was going to say next, it's clear from his face that it definitely wasn't that. "He's what?"
"He's sorry. He's in rehab, and he's like - we've been texting a bit and it just feels different. He's never tried to get better like this before."
"Down here." Roy takes a left as they reach a corner and Jamie follows. "What does Georgie think?"
Jamie gets a warm feeling in his chest that Roy can just casually talk about his mum like that now. Two of the most important people in Jamie's life. "She said it's up to me. She doesn't think he's ever really properly tried before, either, so it's new for both of us." He bites the inside of his cheek. "She doesn't want to see him or anything, she's got Simon and she's happy and she doesn't need this, but she said if I want to I should do it for me, not for him."
"She's right about that."
"Do you think, like. Can people really change? People like him."
Roy comes to a halt and Jamie's a few paces ahead when he realises, so he has to track back. He thinks it's Roy's knee at first but Roy doesn't look like he's in pain.
"I hope so." Roy nods a bit and he looks like he's going to say something else, but he just nods some more. "I really do hope so."
"I might go and see him." Jamie nods. "Maybe. Not yet, but I think that's what I want. For me."
"That's the spirit." Roy smiles and holds both fists out for a double bump. Jamie beams back at him as he obliges, tapping his fists against Roy's.
"Now are we finishing this run or what?" Jamie jogs on the spot. "Last one back to yours buys dinner tonight!" He sprints off before Roy can either agree or decline and he doesn't look back.
-
Roy is leaning against his front door when Jamie gets there.
"What the fuck man! How’ve you done that?" He comes to a stop, his hands on his thighs while he catches his breath. "Did you get a fucking taxi? Please don't tell me you stole a fucking bike and my selfless act of teaching you how to ride has come back to bite me in the arse."
"You didn't say I had to be on foot, you just said that the last one back buys dinner."
"Roy! It was implied!"
Roy grins and opens the front door. "Kidding. Told you I don't cheat, didn't I? The only thing you didn't account for is that I live here and that means that I know the shortcuts."
"Ugh. Twat." Jamie sighs as he follows Roy inside and collapses on the sofa. "Get me a drink then." He kicks off his shoes and curls his feet under him.
"Nice to see you're making yourself at home." Roy hands him a glass of water. "Good run."
"Yeah." He gulps down the whole glass of water and tips his head back against the couch back. "Can we do that again? I've missed training with you. I've always hated the summer. I've got too much energy to sit around doing nothing and it's fucking boring training alone."
"Jamie." Roy grins. "You didn't have to invent a whole bet - a very expensive bet - just to have a reason to hang out with me. You could have just asked."
Jamie feels his face flushing. After all, it's not not true that he'd realised quite quickly that this would give him a reason to have some fun annoying Roy for a few days. "Fuck off. It's for the kids!"
He catches Roy glance down at his lips and away again for a split second and that fucking drives him insane. He's got a catalogue in his brain of all the times he's noticed Roy doing that and he still doesn't know what it means. Maybe it doesn't mean anything but maybe - maybe - Roy's thinking some of the same things Jamie is.
Probably not though, that would be ridiculous. Fuck. Jamie has self-confidence by the bucketload in most situations but he has absolutely no idea where he stands with Roy sometimes and he values their relationship way too much to make a move in case he fucks everything up.
"Jamie?"
Jamie realises Roy has been talking. "Sorry, what was that?"
"I was just saying that I do think that people can change. If you want to, and if you've got the right people around you I think it's probably easier. And I can't speak for whether that will be true for your dad, because he did some really awful things to you and your mum, but it's a start."
"Yeah."
"I know it's not anywhere near the same level but I wondered the same thing recently. Can people change? I was asking for me. To know if I can change."
Jamie frowns and twists to face Roy, propping up his cheek on his fist. "What are you talking about? Why do you think you need to change?"
"I think I'm a better person than I was when Ted got here. We messed up with Keeley the other night, and it made me doubt whether I was any better at all. But I am."
"Obviously you are, you daft twat. We both are. Like - I'm still me. I'm still Jamie fucking Tartt, I'm still the same person but I'm the best version of me that I've ever been." Jamie smiles. "And that's because of Ted, and it's because of Keeley, and it's Sam and Colin and it's because of you, Roy." He shifts a bit closer to Roy without really thinking about it. "I'm a fucking human sponge, just soaking everything up. I'm faster, stronger, better, more dedicated, more focused and that's all down to you." He takes a deep breath when Roy looks at his lips again and this time his eyes linger there for longer. "I need you in my life and there was a time not so long ago that I wouldn't have known how to tell you that."
Jamie realises that Roy is going to kiss him about half a second before their lips meet and he instinctively wraps his arms around Roy's neck. If this is the only time they ever kiss, he wants to make sure it's fucking worth it.
By the time they pull apart Jamie is flushed and breathless and Roy's hair is an absolute state because Jamie wasn't able to control his hands. "Well." Roy bites his lip and leans his forehead against Jamie's with a smile. "That's a thing that happened."
"Yeah." Jamie breathes out. "It definitely did."
"Been thinking about that for a while."
"Oh?" Jamie's brain is racing and his heart is beating so fast he can feel it. "What took you so long then?"
"It's not like you did anything about it either!"
"Roy, you’d have fucking Cantona kung-fu kicked me in the head if I’d tried to kiss you and you know it."
"I would not!" Roy looks outraged and Jamie just tilts his head at him until he rolls his eyes and concedes. "Not in the head."
-
SATURDAY
Jamie wakes up in a strange bed again, only this time he remembers exactly where he is. He runs the sole of his foot up the side of Roy's leg with a smile as he plasters himself against Roy's back and wraps his arms around his middle.
"Your feet are fucking freezing." Roy mutters, eyes still closed.
Jamie laughs. "Oh, he's back."
"Too fucking right I am." Roy laughs quietly. "What, did you think I was going to get so used to saying fudge I'd be cured? No fucking chance."
"It was always a possibility!" Jamie grins, rolling away from Roy and slipping out of bed.
"Where did you go?" Roy sounds pouty and Jamie is fucking ecstatic that this is his life now.
"I'll be back. Thirty seconds, a minute, tops." He runs upstairs to the guest room he'd been sleeping in before and grabs his overnight bag, rummaging through the pockets until he finds what he's looking for.
"That was at least a minute and a half." Roy yawns as he comes back into the room. "What was so important?"
"Got you a gift." Jamie grins and dumps the little parcel down on the bedside table. "I'll call the bank later to arrange transferring the money, but this is a little something just for you, to say well done."
Roy sits up against the headboard and picks up the box. "Better not be a ring, dickhead, it's a bit early for that."
"Damn." Jamie grins as he flops back down onto the bed beside Roy and wriggles under the covers. "Better give it back to me then."
Roy pulls away the wrapping to reveal a little pink box. "Is it fucking shortbread?"
Jamie pulls a face. "No, why would it be shortbread?"
"Never mind." He tugs open the box and starts to laugh. "Oh, for fucks - you fucking cheeky bastard. Fucking fudge."
"It's fucking good fudge. Fresh and sticky. I got you a selection. Chocolate and chilli if you're feeling spicy. One of them is tea flavour!"
Roy rolls his eyes and puts the box back down, leaning back to kiss Jamie. "Thank you. For the fudge and for this week. It's been fun."
"Fun, yeah? So does that mean-" Jamie starts to speak but Roy presses his finger to his lips to shush him.
"It’s not an exercise I'll be repeating, but yeah. Fucking fun."
Jamie grins. "We should call Phoebe later and tell her you did it."
"We should." Roy rolls on top of Jamie, pinning him down and leaning to kiss him. "Much, much later."