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The thing is: Yeonjun is a really good boyfriend. He walks Yunjin to all her classes, always kisses her hello and goodbye. He’s nice to all her friends, and all his friends are nice to Yunjin as well. He takes off work to come to her shows, and whenever she goes to his performances, he finds her out in the crowd and smiles so brightly it makes her chest hurt from how fast her heart is beating.
Being cared for so much is novel for Yunjin. By age twenty-one she’s had a string of terrible boyfriends who ranged from lazy to arrogant to downright neglectful, each one disappointing her in new and terrible ways. After every catastrophic break-up, she announces that she’s taking a break for a while, that she plans to work on herself and strive towards her goals, but all those ideas go out the nearest open window when the next cute guy comes around. What can she say, she’s a hopeless romantic. She can’t imagine closing herself off to love when the next guy could be The One. So, she does the song and dance over again, hoping for a different result. And all that resilience had paid off, because being with Yeonjun is everything she ever hoped it could be. There was never a moment in their relationship that she didn’t feel loved.
Yunjin tries to pay that back in return as best she can. She helps him with his schoolwork when he struggles and stays over at his apartment on weekends when he gets overwhelmed. Once, they watch a movie where the main characters have a picnic on the beach and Yeonjun offhandedly mentions how it’s his favorite romantic cliché, so for their 100 days, Yunjin spends the day slaving in the kitchen to make a full picnic basket and borrows her friend Kazuha’s car to pick him up from his apartment. Halfway through the plan, Yunjin starts thinking she might be taking it too far, but when Yeonjun sees all the work she’d put in, he spins her around and kisses her with so much love she feels herself melting into goo.
And maybe that’s why when Yeonjun began to pull away, Yunjin told herself it wasn’t a big deal. Everyone goes through rough patches sometimes. Midterms were around the corner and Yeonjun’s never been the best test-taker, so that was probably it. Or maybe he was worried about his dance troupe, as music department politics seem to always reach Roman-senate levels of controversy and haste. Yeonjun is a chronic perfectionist, and gets lost in his own head a lot, and Yunjin knows well enough to give him space to sort out his thoughts and he’d come to her eventually and explain everything.
But that didn’t happen. Yunjin waited patiently, always supportive and attentive, present at the snap of Yeonjun’s fingers, it seemed, but still that distance remained. He began to get preoccupied with other things, skipping their dates with flimsy excuses and ending calls without returning her teasing. He didn’t touch her as much as he used to, either. The casual kisses became fewer and far between, and where he used to love resting his hands on her waist, he now sometimes even dropped her hand when she tries to hold it. It stung worse every time it happened.
“And it’s not like I need him to constantly be all over me,” Yunjin explains. She and Chaewon are sitting in Chaewon’s apartment on the floor of her living room, their usual haunt. Yunjin has a key to Chaewon’s place “for emergencies” but the definition of emergency has gotten perilously ambiguous over the past several months. Chaewon is sorting through old DVDs to figure out which ones were worth throwing away, and Yunjin is eating cucumber slices and providing moral support, insofar as ‘moral support’ means taking advantage of her captive audience to give updates on her Yeonjun Situation.
“I don’t need him to jump me as soon as I get home. But dropping my hand? And he didn’t kiss me goodbye today either. He just hugged me. He always used to kiss me goodbye. Am I being unreasonable? Maybe this isn’t a big deal.”
Chaewon hums to show she’s deliberating. Her hands are buried deep in the box of cases, her hair falling over her eyes as she bends over her work. The ring Yunjin gave her for her twenty-first birthday dangles on a chain around her neck, suspended over the carboard in midair.
“You’re not being unreasonable. If he needed space, he could just tell you.”
“Right! That’s what I was thinking. Like if I suddenly started pulling away from him, he would be upset, y’know? He’d ask me what was wrong.”
Chaewon pulls up another batch of DVDs and piles them on the ground to her left. “So ask him then.”
Yunjin balks. “I can’t. What if it’s something serious and he’s just not ready to say? I don’t want to force him to tell me when he doesn’t want to.”
Chaewon fixes Yunjin with an unimpressed look. After being friends for so many years, Chaewon has a keen sense of when Yunjin is bullshitting her, and an even more precise sense for when Yunjin is bullshitting herself.
Chaewon and Yunjin go way back, to even before Yunjin had started university. They’d attended the same international school, and Chaewon had taken on the job of helping Yunjin acclimate to Korean society. When Yunjin went back to the U.S. for university, Chaewon cried for her, but wished her luck all the same. They’d stayed in contact for that entire first year, before Yunjin decided she actually did want to come back to Korea and transferred to a university in Seoul for her sophomore year. She’d never seen Chaewon so happy as when she greeted Yunjin at the airport with a smile worth a thousand shining suns.
Even when they lived across the world from each other, they supported each other through everything- all their family drama and health issues and makeup pallet discontinuances were shared and commiserated in real time. Chaewon had supported Yunjin through every failed relationship both awful and mundane, and her advice had always been solid, despite the fact that Chaewon herself had never dated anyone before. She didn’t like to admit it, but she was a little insecure about this fact, and Yunjin felt bad sometimes for complaining about boys constantly, knowing that Chaewon had never even had her first kiss. But Chaewon always said she didn’t mind, that she wanted to be there for Yunjin during important moments. And this was important. This was her boyfriend losing interest in her. How was she supposed to cope with that?
“Maybe he wants you to say something,” Chaewon is saying “You know sometimes you’re waiting for him to confront you about why you’re upset?”
“That’s because he did something wrong and I want him to acknowledge it on his own. This is different. He isn’t angry with me, he’s just not really there with me like he should be.”
“Well, one of you is going to have to budge,” Chaewon says. “If he won’t tell you and you won’t ask then how will it get figured out?”
Yunjin sighs, frustrated with her own helplessness. “It’s whatever. I’ll figure it out somehow.”
“If you say so,” Chaewon mumbles. She holds up two copies of the same movie, both cases dented and scratched at the corners from age and use. “Should I keep the Blu-Ray or the regular DVD version?”
“Give me the Blu-Ray,” Yunjin says. “Sakura took her Blu-Ray player with her when she moved out, but I still have mine.”
“The Blu-Ray player was mine. I just let her have it because I’m nice.”
She passed the case over, and Yunjin blew her a kiss in thanks.
“My hero. Working so hard every day to put dinner on the table. And by dinner I mean a physical copy of Big Hero 6.”
“Shut up,” Chaewon says, batting her kiss away. She turns away, and her face is hidden by her hair again, but Yunjin can see the small smile peeking out from the shadows.
Yunjin chucks the DVD case into her bag, slides her plate of cucumbers closer so that Chaewon, and rolls up the sleeves of her sweatshirt.
“Here, give me to box. You’ll crack a nail if you keep digging in it like that.”
The thing about Yeonjun is that the issue waxes and wanes. By the time she’s gathered up the nerve to confront him, the weird behavior has passed, and he’s back to doing on her again. He surprises her with flowers after her math final, congratulating her on finishing the test without having a nervous breakdown. He’d taken her to the studio to listen to the new song his friend Beomgyu was working on. He surprised Yunjin at Chaewon’s house, and even brought dinner for Chaewon as well. Chaewon accepted the food graciously, but explained apologetically that she couldn’t stay, as she had a study group at the library. She had a giant exam coming up, along with a group project with a bunch of people who had been trying her patience since syllabus week, and more often than not she was preoccupied with making they all passed the class than anything else. Yunjin admired her determination and leadership skills in situations like this, even as unwilling as she was to exercise them. Chaewon always knew how to fight for what she wanted, how to live with a sense of purpose that Yunjin sometimes worried she lacked.
Chaewon left the food wrapped in the fridge and told them not to burn down her apartment, shooting Yunjin a discreet smile and thumbs up as she left, excited that everything seemed to be going back to normal. Still, something in Yunjin didn’t feel right about being in Chaewon’s house without Chaewon there, and with her boyfriend instead to boot. It was breaking girl code somehow, in some cryptic, abstract way. So even though they had permission to stay, she made Yeonjun get up and they walked the half a mile to her own apartment, where she could bask in his affection without the odd sense of guilt nagging at the back of her mind.
All that is to say, she’d tricked herself into thinking it was all over and her relationship wasn’t on the brink of failure. It was just a rough patch. Everyone had them, and they’d survived theirs. She was proud, even, that she hadn’t given into her catastrophizing and ruined the best relationship she’d ever had.
Her bliss didn’t even last two weeks.
Yeonjun’s odd behavior returns, but worse this time. He barely touches Yunjin at all, even leaving space between them when they sit on a couch or bench together. When she meets up with Yeonjun in between classes, there’s distance between them once again. He asks her questions, but Yunjin can’t help but feel like he’s not really listening to her. He keeps zoning out, and he’s barely touched his own food. His eyes keep darting towards his phone, as if he’s waiting for it to ring.
Only fifteen minutes into their lunch date, Yunjin decides she’s had enough.
“Are you waiting for something?” she asks, interrupting her own story with a harsher tone to draw his attention.
Yeonjun blinks, focusing back on her like he’d forgotten she was there. She bets that he doesn’t even know what she’s been saying for the past few minutes.
“Sorry?” he asks, eyebrows knit together.
“You’re distracted,” Yunjin says. “Is something going on? Are you expecting a call?”
“Ah,” Yeonjun says, sheepish, like he’s embarrassed to be caught. “In a way. Soobin asked for my help with something after class. I was waiting for him to text me.”
“I mean, don’t you know when Soobin gets out of class?” Yunjin pointed out. “What are you so anxious for?”
“It’s an exam period, so he could finish whenever.”
“Right.” The answer was perfectly reasonable, but Yunjin didn’t feel settled. “What does he need your help with.”
“Just some stuff with his car.”
“So he asked you? A person who knows nothing about cars?”
Yeonjun immediately tensed. “I do ‘know things about cars’ actually. I can take care of my own car.”
“Yeah, okay,” Yunjin says. “Whatever then.”
This isn’t unusual. Soobin, Yeonjun’s roommate and best friend, seems to be living in a perpetual series of disasters. If it’s not his car, it’s a mishap at the grocery store. If it’s not public humiliation, it’s dealing with his evil TA. The guy can’t catch a break. Yeonjun is often enlisted to help Soobin sort out his disasters, partly because Yeonjun can be level-headed when he needs to be, and partly because they’re roommates and most of Soobin’s problems eventually become Yeonjun’s problems if left unattended. Yunjin has always associated Soobin together with Yeonjun in some way. When she first met Yeonjun, they were standing side by side, like a matching set with DO NOT SEPARATE written on the packaging.
Yunjin likes Soobin fine; she doesn’t have a problem with any of Yeonjun’s friends. Soobin has always been kind to her and understanding of her place in Yeonjun’s life. Or at least, he’s always appeared that way to her face, which is mostly all she asks for. She certainly doesn’t have a problem with Yeonjun going to help his friends, either. Part of the reason she likes him so much is because he’s so altruistic. But with the way Yeonjun’s been acting lately, and the insecurity feeding into her heart, Yeonjun’s impending departure balloons one of the worst offenses ever committed against her.
She’s fed up with Yeonjun’s attitude, with his lack of interest in her, and his shoddy excuses. Ditching her to go tinker with Soobin’s car? Since when had that been a way he wanted to spend his time? Yeonjun bitched the entire morning when he had to change his own oil, and he’d had Yunjin there for moral support at the time. And doesn’t their friend Kai literally take apart engines for fun? Wouldn’t he be better suited for this?
Yunjin thinks of Chaewon’s words again, and decides that this may be the time to suggest something, just lightly, to get to the bottom of this.
“Hey, I’m really not trying to be naggy or anything, but-”
Before Yunjin can finish her sentence, Yeonjun’s phone rings. He picks it up on the first ring, cutting Yunjin off completely as he turns away from her to focus on the call.
“Hey. How was the exam?...No, I bet….Yeah, I can come get you, just wait there.”
He glanced back at Yunjin and mouthed sorry with sincerity in his eyes, but she couldn’t find it in herself to believe him. She sagged in her chair and gestured for him to go. Yeonjun blew her a kiss, gathered his things, and was gone in a second, leaving Yunjin alone with two unfinished sandwiches and a horrible churning in her heart.
She abandoned her afternoon class to go back to Chaewon’s place, hoping her friend could ease her mind. In the half hour since Yeonjun’s departure, so many horrible ideas had crossed her mind, leaving her reeling. Was Yeonjun losing interest in her? Was she boring to him, or else he didn’t find her attractive anymore?
“It’s just the inconsistency that’s getting to me,” Yunjin says. “Like if we’d been steadily declining for the past month, then at least I’d know the end was coming. But no, it’s like we have really good weeks and really bad weeks so I don’t know what to believe.”
Chaewon stayed silent. She was still in her pajamas, her hair tied back in a low ponytail that barely held half of her bobbed hair. She didn’t have classes on Tuesday and thus spent as long as she could in bed before someone (usually Yunjin) forced her to leave it. She’d made both of them tea before sitting down, and she busied herself taking slow deliberate sips instead of interjecting with her usual understanding noises.
Yunjin pressed on.
“And of course I want him to spend time with his friends. It’s important to me that he has like, a life outside me, y’know? Or he’ll turn into a possessive creep who thinks I only exist for his benefit, which isn’t what I want. And I don’t think that of him either! I just- I don’t know what to think lately.”
“Yunjin,” Chaewon started. “Have you ever thought that maybe-”
“But he wasn’t even listening to me today, is the thing. Like he just didn’t care at all what I was saying. And makes me wonder if he ever cares, right? Like maybe I think he’s paying attention to me but he’s just faking it then too. It makes me crazy, seriously. Like maybe I don’t know him at all!”
“Yunjin, I just think-”
“Do you think he’s cheating on me?” Yunjin asks, horror coloring her tone. “Like is he seeing someone else? Maybe he says he’s going to hang out with his friends but it’s just a cover. Are they in on it? Maybe if I went and asked Jimin she could-”
“Yunjin!”
Yunjin stops in her tracks, mind screeching to a halt. She focuses on Chaewon, really looks at her, and realizes Chaewon is upset. No, not upset, seething. Her grip on her mug of tea is so harsh her knuckles are white. Chaewon closes her eyes, takes a deep breath.
“I’m sick of having the same conversation with you over and over. Every day it’s something else. Aren’t you tired of this?”
“What else can I do?” Yunjin asks, almost hysterically. “I can’t just act like everything is okay when it’s not.”
“You could do something about it, maybe? You come to me for ‘advice’ but you don’t listen to a word I’m saying.”
“You’re my best friend. Who else can I complain to?”
“That’s not fair. I want to be there for you, but it’s so hard to watch you be miserable over this guy- you’ve been complaining about him for months!”
“I’m not miserable. I still- I care about him a lot!” She stumbles a bit over her words, cursing herself as Chaewon’s expression sours even more.
“You can’t even say you still love him. This is so insane. Just break up with him!”
“I can’t!” Yunjin insists. “It shouldn’t be me breaking up with him. Why is that my job, after he’s been ignoring me all this time? If he doesn’t want to date me anymore, he should just say so!”
“When did you become so spineless,” Chaewon spits. “Still dating a guy who treats you like shit, for what?”
“Relationships have ups and downs! You wouldn’t get it, considering you’ve never dated anyone before. You wouldn’t know what it’s like when you’ve never been in love with anyone before in your life! God, why do I even bother telling you any of this in the first place?”
Yunjin recognizes the mistake as soon as she makes it. She wants to pull the words from the air and shove them back in her mouth, but Chaewon’s face has already shut down, hurt passing over for a millisecond before she goes flat, impassive.
“Get out,” she says.
“Chae, unnie, wait-”
“I said get out!” Chaewon actually pushes her, batting her hands enough that Yunjin almost spills her cold tea on Chaewon’s cushions. “Go back to your cheating boyfriend, since he understands you so much better than I do!”
Yunjin wants nothing more than to stay, then to fix this thing she’s broken without realizing what she was doing. But Chaewon’s expression is harsh, and her eyes are shimmering, and Yunjin knows she doesn’t deserve to be taking up any more of her time.
She sets the cup carefully down on the table and stands up.
“I’m sorry,” she offers, but Chaewon has already turned away from her, and offers no acknowledgement that Yunjin has even spoken. Yunjin swallows harshly, tears pricking at her own eyes, and goes to fetch her shoes from the door.
Four days pass. They feel like years. Yunjin finds herself thinking of Chaewon every second of every day, thinking about her anger, about her white knuckles on her cup, on the tears in her eyes. Belatedly, she realizes that Chaewon’s group project was due the day after their fight, and Chaewon had put aside her schoolwork to make time for Yunjin’s complaining. Yunjin hadn’t even asked her how it was going, or if she needed support. Now that she thinks about it, she doesn’t know a lot about what Chaewon is doing lately, since she’s been so caught up in her own problems. Normally Chaewon is content to let Yunjin ramble on for hours, but wonders with rising shame if she’s been talking to Chaewon these past few weeks or at her. How rich of her to spend hours complaining about Yeonjun’s behavior when she’s been so abhorrent lately herself.
She feels…like a bad best friend.
“Have I been annoying lately?” she asks Kazuha eventually as they’re waiting for Sakura to pick them up from campus. “About Yeonjun?”
“Yes,” Kazuha says with absolutely no hesitation. “Both in general and about Yeonjun.”
“Well, don’t mince words, now,” Yunjin grumbles.
Kazuha is only a first year, but she too has her life together in a way Yunjin finds enviable. During her own first semester, Yunjin had been caught up in the stress of returning home after so many years and realizing she didn’t fit in New York the way she did in Korea. Then, when she moved back to Korea for her second year, she had to contend with the fact that no, it wasn’t reverse culture shock, university was just very hard and she wasn’t as good at it as she’d thought she’d be. Kazuha had no such acclimation issues. She’d settled into her role as a university student like she’d been born for it. Between her and Chaewon, somehow Yunjin is the hot mess of their trio, which only serves to make her feel worse about the current state of affairs.
Kazuha flicks harshly at Yunjin’s arm. “You asked,” she reminds Yunjin. “And saying ‘annoying’ is mincing words.”
“I didn’t mean to monopolize conversation,” Yunjin says feebly, as if she has any grounds to defend herself..
“It’s not that you’re monopolizing conversation. It’s that the topic of conversation is exhaustion. You complain about Yeonjun constantly, but you won’t leave him. Like, what are we supposed to say?”
“I thought if it bothered you all, someone would’ve said something.”
“It’s not that it bothers us. It’s just hard to listen to you suffer. If one of us was dating someone who blew us off every other day and forced us to keep a spreadsheet on our laptops of the date and time of every rejected facetime call, wouldn’t you also start to feel sad? It’s like he’s emotionally neglecting all of us.”
Yunjin hadn’t been thinking about that, really.
“Actually, I lied about you monopolizing conversation,” Kazuha amended. “When we’re all in a group it’s fine, but like, when was the last time you asked Chae how she was doing?”
Yunjin laughed awkwardly. “Ah, well…”
Kazuha let out a disapproving sound. “If I was her I would be developing a stress reaction to you showing up on my doorstep, seriously.”
“I…you’re right.” She’d known she was in the wrong before even starting the conversation, but at least now she knew it wasn’t needless self-flagellation, but the exact correct amount of it. The thought that she might’ve messed up her relationship with Chaewon irrevocably because she was too caught up in her own problems was beginning to make her feel sick to her stomach.
“I don’t know what to do, though. I didn’t mean to make her feel like I didn’t care about her feelings. But I feel like even if she forgives me, I won’t be able to even breathe about Yeonjun without her getting upset.”
“I don’t think the situation is that dire,” Kazuha assures her. “And Chae unnie doesn’t like to stay mad at you for long. You should apologize, though, because she deserves to hear it.” She paused, then continued. “I do think you should break up with Yeonjun, though. It’s starting to drive me crazy too.”
“I’m sorry. And you’re right,” Yunjin said, resignation settling in her gut. “I’ll…I’ll sort it out.”
“Will you?”
“Yes, I will. Y’know what? Tell Kkura that I had an errand to run.”
She turns and starts walking away from the drive, leaving a bemused Kazuha alone in the drive.
“Where are you going?”
“To make a phone call!” Yunjin yells back. As soon as she turns the corner, she lifts her phone and opens Yeonjun’s contact.
Miracle of miracles, Yeonjun actually picks up on the second ring. What a shame to squander what might have turned out to be a good day for them
“Jagi?”
“Hey, baby, are you busy? I need to talk to you. Urgently.”
An hour later finds her in Yeonjun’s apartment, sitting across from him on his bed. Soobin is nowhere to be found; Yunjin suspects that Yeonjun kicked him out upon hearing how serious her tone was over their brief call. She’s holding a glass of water that does little to soothe her tight throat. Yeonjun is empty-handed and wide-eyed. He’s wearing a cut-off t-shirt and baggy shorts that he probably dug out of the wash. He looks…small. Fragile. Yunjin isn’t sure she’s seen someone more aware of their impending doom.
“Look,” Yunjin starts, trying to find a diplomatic turn of phrase. “I know that you like to have space to figure things out on your own, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait for you to come to me. Something has been bothering you for weeks, and you’ve been distant and cold, and that affects me too. I need to know where I stand with you.”
Yeonjun winced. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you away.”
“Well, you did.”
Yeonjun swallows, still looking torn.
“I’m asking because I care about you,” Yunjin says, trying to exude how much she means it. “It just feels like you’re never really here with me, and I want to be where you are.”
Yeonjun is silent for a long while, his eyes still fixated on the bedspread away from Yunjin’s eyes.
“I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately,” he says eventually. “I was working out some things in my head, and then I guess I got scared to tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Yunjin’s heart is beating fast in her chest.
“I always want you to be honest with me,” she says finally. “If it’s something you think I won’t want to hear, I still have the right to know it so that I can make my own decisions.”
Yeonjun nods.
“I don’t really know how to say this…but I’ve come to terms lately with the fact that I’m attracted to men.”
Yunjin blinked. “Okay.”
“I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but it’s just…it’s been on my mind so much recently. I haven’t known what to do with myself. I want to spend time with you, always, but I’ve felt so weird around you not knowing if I’m even being genuine, or if my feelings for you are what I think they are.”
“I...okay.” Yunjin forced herself to breathe, to stay in the moment and not react negatively. She reached out for Yeonjun’s hand, and he took it, lacing their fingers together.
“That’s okay,” Yunjin said, fuller, with more air in her lungs. “I’m proud of you for accepting this, and for being willing to tell me. I’m sure it was hard.”
Yunjin let out a long breath of his own. “Yeah, it was. I just don’t want you to think I was leading you on, or that I wasn’t giving you all I had, because I swear I care about you so much.”
“I know you do. And I care about you.” She wants to be able to leave it there and not turn this conversation into anything else, but it eats at her, still, his behavior. And that coupled with the things he’d said…
“Can I ask you something?” Yunjin says. “And I promise I’m not trying to be accusatory when I say this.”
“Go ahead.”
“When you say you realized that you like men…have you been having feelings for anyone else recently?”
The pause is long enough for Yunjin to glean her answer.
“I didn’t cheat on you,” Yeonjun says, which is the worst way he could’ve started. “I would never do that to you.”
“But you do like someone else,” Yunjin says. “Do I know them? Do they have class with you?”
Yeonjun’s whole body is tensed like a bowstring. He tugs his hand away from Yunjin and pulls his legs criss-cross, brimming with nervous energy.
“It’s Soobin.”
The satisfaction of being right is met harshly with the conflict of just how right she’d been.
“Your roommate Soobin?” she asks, unable to tramp the shock in her voice. “The one you ditched me for last week?”
“I didn’t ditch you!” Yeonjun insists. “I mean, that’s not how I thought of it. And I swear we didn’t do anything, I promise! He’s really just my friend. I don’t even know if he likes guys.”
“You don’t know if Soobin likes guys.”
“I’ve never asked him! He’s my best friend, I can’t just-”
“Isn’t that all the more reason for you to know?”
“It’s different now,” Yeonjun insists. “Not when the answer actually affects me. Do you know if Chaewon likes girls?”
“I know everything about Chaewon,” she answers, easy as breathing. “It has nothing to do with whether I want to date her or not.”
“I don’t want to date Soobin,” Yeonjun insists. “I don’t want to leave you. It’s just been all so new, and I didn’t know what to do with all my feelings. You can’t-” Yeonjun sighs, dropping his hands. “That’s not the point. I’m not being fair. I hurt you, and I’m sorry. I’m hurting you right now.”
He is, that’s true, but there’s not really anything Yunjin can do about it.
“Like I said, I always want you to be honest,” she says, voice faint. “So, if this is how you feel, then this is what I want to hear.”
They sit in silence for a while. Yunjin doesn’t know what to say. She thinks maybe she should leave, but she doesn’t want to leave. Not when she still doesn’t know about her relationship status with Yeonjun, and everything was still a mess in her head.
“Why Soobin?” she asks, mostly because it feels like the safest question. “What made you realize that you wanted him.”
Yeonjun deflates. “I don’t think I should tell you that.”
“No, I want to hear.”
“Yunjin-”
“Don’t I have the right?” she asks, slipping into cruelty. “To know what made my boyfriend lose interest in me?”
Yeonjun looks pained.
“It’s not that he made me lose interest in you. It’s that…everything is different, when it’s him. I feel so much…brighter. Of course, you mean a lot to me, and I think you’re beautiful, and we work so well together, but when I’m with Soobin I feel understood in a way that I don’t always feel with you. I feel seen. He’s so smart and funny, and he’s so protective of me, and I realized at some point that I just can’t imagine my life without him in it, no matter what else happens. I couldn’t imagine moving out of this apartment. It started to pain me to turn him down when he asked me for something. It’s…” Yeonjun clamps his mouth shut, as if deeming he’s said enough. When Yunjin meets his eyes, he just shakes his head.
“I’m sorry,” Yeonjun says. “I know that’s the last thing you want to hear from your boyfriend.”
Yunjin shakes her own head, deliberating. She thinks about what Yeonjun said, about being “seen”, about being unable to imagine a life without Soobin. She thinks of her own feelings, and how she feels about Yeonjun. Does she need him that way? Does she need anyone that way?
Chaewon, came the immediate thought. I don’t know how I’d survive without Chaewon. I’m here right now because of Chaewon.
It’s like the clouds part above her. Between one breath and the next, the ache in Yunjin’s chest disappears. Everything becomes clear and full of light.
“Okay,” Yunjin says. “We should break up.”
Yeonjun’s eyes widen comically. “What?”
“I think it’d be better for us to do our own thing. I can’t stand the thought that I’m holding you back from being who you want to be.”
“You’re not holding me back,” Yeonjun insists. “It’s-”
“I’m being so serious when I say you don’t have to fight for me just because you think you should. I know you already feel bad about not being honest with me. I can do the hard part. I can break up with you, so you don’t have to do it. Then you can go ask out Soobin.”
Yeonjun’s eyes were nearly bugging out of his head. “Soobin? I can’t ask out Soobin. He doesn’t like me that way.”
“You just said you had no idea if he did or he didn’t,” Yunjin said. “So go ask. I’m rooting for you, seriously. You should call him as soon as I leave.”
Yunjin scooted to the side to climb off the bed, and Yeonjun reached out and grabbed her arm.
“Yunjin-ah, wait.” His grip on her wrist was tight, hands barely trembling.
“I can’t let you leave like this. I don’t want you to leave here upset.”
“I’m not upset,” Yunjin says. “I’m not angry. I’m a little sad, I guess. But even good things end. If we’ve run our course, then I can accept that. I don’t hold anything against you, I swear.”
She pulled Yeonjun’s hand off her own and gently set it on the bed. “I always want the best for you. But I also want the best for myself. So I’m going to go see someone now, and you are going to call Soobin. And then we’ll both be happier. You get me?”
She reached out to press a soft kiss to his lips, and wiped away a stray tear with her eyes. She was doing the right thing, she knew she was. It was clear now that this was always inevitable for them. But that didn’t mean it didn’t sting, or that she wasn’t hurting him in turn. She hoped he’d be able to forgive her selfishness someday.
“I get you,” Yeonjun says, voice duller.
“You can be mad at me if you want,” Yunjin says “But I’m not mad. And I’m always a phone call away.”
“Where are you even going?”
“Chaewon’s house,” Yunjin said. “You helped me realize a couple of things just now, and she’s the only one who can tell it to me straight. I need her.”
And maybe her voice had too much inflection in it, that Yeonjun could see through her so easily, because he sighed and shifted away from her, leaving Yunjin’s hand to fall from his face, their last moment of contact unceremoniously severed.”
“Go,” he said. “I hope it works out for you.”
“Same to you,” Yunjin said, and she picks up her shoes from his entryway and leaves.
When Yunjin arrives at Chaewon’s place, she knocks instead of letting herself in She’d called on the way over, but Chaewon hadn’t answered. Her classes aren’t until later in the day though, and Yunjin doesn’t think she’d been at work, not that she knows exactly what Chaewon’s work schedule these days is, the way she’s been so caught up in herself. Her chest is spilling over with thoughts of Chaewon, of their lives together, of the way Chaewon looks at her, of the way she looks at Chaewon…
Chaewon doesn’t answer, so she knocks again.
“Chae? Are you in there?” She’s loud in her panic, more than is probably appropriate. She hopes that Chaewon isn’t going to get a noise complaint on her behalf.
She debates calling Chaewon again, or calling Sakura to ask where she is, when she hears the lock click and Chaewon’s face appears in a crack in the door.
“What do you want?” Chaewon asked. “Came to complain about Yeonjun again?”
“I broke up with him,” Yunjin says immediately. Chaewon’s eye in the doorway widens. “He admitted he liked someone else, so I broke up with him. But that’s not why I’m here. I mean, it is, but like-” Yunjin sucks in a deep breath, trying to compose herself. “I came to apologize. And to talk. Please.”
Chaewon stares at her for a while, then backs away from the doorway and swings the door open fully. Her apartment is freezing cold. When she closes the door behind Yunjin, she doesn’t walk further into her apartment. She doesn’t offer to make Yunjin tea. She just stands at the front of her living room and waits, arms crossed.
Yunjin takes a shaky breath. “I’m sorry about what I said before. You do understand you. I spend time with you because you understand me. You were right the whole time. I should’ve listened to you.”
“I don’t need you to admit I’m right,” Chaewon said. “I just need you to want better for yourself. It’s dumb guy after dumb guy, and it never ends.”
“I know I don’t always have the best judgement,” Yunjin said as diplomatically as she can. “And I know I’ve relied on you a lot to support me when things go bad, and I’ve been thinking lately how unfair that is to you. I’ve been doing a lot of taking and no giving. I’m not there for you like you are for me, and I’m sorry.”
Chaewon gives Yunjin a long, hard look, like a teacher positing over a rowdy class, before eventually sighing.
“You’re forgiven. I also might’ve been taking it a little bit personally. I was having a bad day last week and I wanted all of your attention. I didn’t want to share space with him.”
“You shouldn’t have had to. I should’ve cared about how you were doing. I’m sorry. How did your project go? You turned it in already, right?”
“It’s okay,” she assures Yunjin. “Really, I’m fine now. And the project…well, it got turned in, so all I can do is hope for the best.” She gives Yunjin a tentative look. “You really broke up with him?”
“Yes. Like I said, he has feelings for someone else. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us to stay together.”
“I’m sorry,” Chaewon said, and she really sounded sympathetic. “I know you liked him a lot.”
“It’s okay. It needed to happen. Honestly…” she wasn’t sure how much to push, not when she was barely forgiven, but she had to know…
“Honestly, I’m surprised you aren’t jumping for joy. Didn’t you hate him?”
“I didn’t hate him. I liked him a lot at first. He was good for you. But I can’t stand seeing you upset, so I started liking him a lot less.” Her face soured. “You were right when you said he should’ve just ended it himself. He’s kind of a coward.”
“He didn’t want to hurt me.”
“Yeah, well, he did anyway. And hurting you hurts me, so he’s 0 for 2.”
Yunjin smiles despite herself. Hearing Chaewon whine about her, hearing her be so defensive, fills Yunjin’s heart with warmth.
“Well, you mean more to me than he ever did, so he’s 0 for 3 since we’re counting you twice.”
“Horrible record on his part,” Chaewon agrees.
And Yunjin could leave it there. She could bask in her forgiveness and take all her other landmine thoughts and bury them somewhere deep in her mind, where they would become Future-Yunjin’s problems. But she’s already done so much today, and set so many things in motion, she finds herself wanting finality to this whole saga. She wants to ride the wave of bravery she’s on to its end, even if that end is harsher and lonelier than where she is now.
“Can I tell you something else I realized?” she starts.
“Always.” It’s borderline flippant, easy as breathing. Chaewon loves me, she tries to remind herself. Chaewon would never turn me away.
“I think I like girls.”
“Oh!” Chaewon’s eyes widen a bit. “Congratulations. Thanks for telling me.”
But Yunjin wasn’t done. “I realized I liked girls because I realized I like you.”
Chaewon looks like a deer in the headlights now, face frozen on the way to the kitchen.
“Me?”
“You don’t have to say anything about it,” Yunjin says. “I know we just had a week-long argument, and this probably isn’t the best time. But Yeonjun was explaining why he liked this other person, and how they made him feel that’s different to how he feels with me, and I realized that I…agreed with him. I don’t love him like I thought I did. It’s like I said: you mean more to me than he ever did. I just…hadn’t been focusing on it until now. I didn’t think about how serious it was. But I did, then. So I broke up with him and came straight here.”
Now that she’s said it, she realized how horrible it sounded. She felt her face heat up, blood pounding in her chest.
“I should leave, maybe,” she says, and prepares to turn around, but Chaewon stops her.
“You broke up with Yeonjun to confess to me?” she asks, still shocked.
“I broke up with Yeonjun because he didn’t want to be with me. I just realized at the same time that I wanted to be with you. You’re just so smart and hardworking and kind, and I look up to you so much, and we’ve been together so long that you’re such a big part of me. It’s…this is so embarrassing, oh my god. I’m sorry to dump that on you. This is too- you’re probably still mad at me, and-”
“I’m not mad at you,” Chaewon says. Yunjin realizes she sounds a bit breathless. She’s caught off guard entirely by Yunjin’s words, which isn’t typical for her. Cool and collected Chaewon has developed an immunity to Yunjin over the past six years. Who knew that all Yunjin needed to do to get past it was offer a love confession.
“You sound mad,” Yunjin says, because pointing out all that other stuff just seems mean. “Again, I just wanted to say that. You don’t have to-”
“Huh Yunjin, can you please be quiet for two seconds so I can get my thoughts together?” her voice is tinged with hysteria. Yunjin snaps her mouth shut. And tries to control her nerves and Chaewon centers herself.
When Chaewon has finished having her mini heart attack, she turns back to Yunjin, hand still over her heart.
“You’re going to kill me one day,” she says, voice a mix of annoyance and exhaustion and the resigned fondness that Chaewon normally presents her with. “Did you come up with all of that on the walk over here?”
“I came up with that past bit on the spot,” Yunjin admits. “Sorry it’s corny.”
“It’s not corny. And if it was, I wouldn’t know. It was…cute. The whole speech was cute.” Chaewon sighs, summing up some of her own bravery.
“Am I cute?” Yunjin asked. The tension in the air is to think Yunjin is sure she can see it. She thinks she might break out in a cold sweat.
“You’re beautiful,” Chaewon says, so simply it takes Yunjin’s breath away. “And if you meant what you said just now, then come here and give me my first kiss.”
The air leaves Yunjin’s lungs. “You want that? For it to be me?”
“I’ve wanted it to be you the whole time.”
It’s like Yunjin is a woman possessed as she surges forward, so desperate to get close to Chaewon, but she pulls herself in when she cups Chaewon’s cheek in her hand, every movement slow, gentle, and presses their lips together. Chaewon’s skin is soft and warm, and she can feel her bangs brushing against her own forehead, and her blood thrums in her veins and her heart swells and she feels something electric and piercing and bright flood through her.
Yeonjun was right. It is so different. It’s also better in every single way.
Later, they discuss how Chaewon had a crush on Yunjin even before she started dating Yeonjun but didn’t want to say anything out of fear of losing their friendship. She tried to be a supportive friend because Yunjin was happy, but it got harder and harder as the months went by to keep her personal feelings out of it.
“It was making me homicidal,” Chaewon confesses from where they sit bundled on her couch, cups in hand, just as they should be. “I hated him for doing that to you.”
“You were jealous of him,” Yunjin realizes.
“I thought it was unfair that you were in love with someone who made you cry every day when I would never do that to you.”
“You’re not going to make me cry every day?”
“You’re the one who drives me to tears,” Chaewon mutters, but smiles wide when Yunjin let out a whine of protest.
Sakura and Kazuha are relieved they no longer have to hear about the chronicles of Yeonjun and Yunjin’s failing relationship anymore, and more than excited to hear about recent developments between Chaewon and Yunjin. A bit of teasing over her denial and obsession is penance enough for all the suffering she’s caused. And it’s hard to feel too poorly about it when she has Chaewon next to her, bright-eyed and smiling wider than Yunjin’s seen in weeks. They’re taking it slow as rocks, trying to figure out where the bounds of their friendship ar starting to change into something more, but Yunjin finds she likes the relaxed pace and its contrast to the vibrant whirlwind romances she always found herself embroiled in. Sometimes Chaewon will hide her face in Yunjin’s shoulder on the couch, or lace their hands together under the table, and Yunjin feels butterflies in her stomach like she’s sixteen again, and she’s never wanted anything more.
They meet with Kazuha after her last class to go pick Eunchae up from her high school, when Yunjin spots Yeonjun across the green. They haven’t spoken since their breakup, and Yunjin has tried not to feel too guilty about it. The situation was poorly handled by them both, she must admit. But she also can’t deny she’s worried about him.
He’s standing in front of the engineering building, his friends clustered around him in a semicircle as they do whatever the hell it is they’re doing. Yeonjun is caught in intense discussion with Beomgyu, but he’s not as animated as he normally is, held back by Soobin’s arms around his waist, holding him in place. When he sees her looking, he pauses momentarily, but Yunjin shoots back a bright smile and a thumbs up, and he relaxes, waving at her in turn.
“Okay, that’s enough,” Chaewon says, lacing their fingers together and pulling Yunjin away. “You’re keeping Eunchae waiting.”
“Her school doesn’t even let out for another fifteen minutes,” Yunjin whines, but comes willingly, hooking her elbow together with Chaewon’s and ignoring Kazuha’s exasperated expression as they leave the university avenue without looking back.