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Taissa fucking hates herself. Feels the self-loathing curling deep in her gut, taking hold of her.
She hurt Van. Van, who has already been hurt so much. Who has the scars to show for it.
Van.
Van, who has been literally losing sleep because of her. Who has raw, bloody skin at her wrists because of her.
Tai bit Van, and now she’s fucking mortified.
Van shrugs it off, like she always does.
“I’m not scared of you, Tai.” But why isn’t she? Why doesn’t Van have some sense of self-preservation? Taissa thinks she knows why, and that makes it worse. Van deserves better than this. Better than her.
Tai’s eyes soften as Van’s finger traces her skin. She thinks maybe she should be grossed out, by the blood. But she’s not. How could she be? It’s Van.
Van’s teeth are stained red and she loves Taissa. She’s painting her love onto Tai’s skin, and how could anything about that be wrong?
This girl, who has never been met with tenderness, is so gentle with Tai, stroking her thumb along the thin skin of Taissa’s wrist, trying to assure her. To love her.
And because Van is, well, Van, she tries to make a joke of it, but Tai knows it’s half-hearted. It shows on her face. Tai’s been waiting to hear those words, to say them, even though they didn’t really feel necessary.
Of course she loves Van. Nothing feels more obvious or real.
And then Van’s mouth is on hers, and Tai can feel her smile against her own as Van climbs on top of her. When she deepens the kiss, she tastes blood. Van’s blood.
Tai thinks, for a second, that the taste should be off-putting, but it’s not. If anything, it spurs her on, and she quickly rolls them over, pushing Van back into their make-shift bed and kissing her, deeply.
“I love you,” she breathes against Van’s lips. Tai licks into her mouth, against her bottom teeth, tasting copper. She wants to lick it all away, wants to erase the evidence of her aggression, wants to take care of Van. She also wants to swallow her whole, wants to drink her up. Tai wants to consume her. Love and consumption, they’re not that different, are they?
“I love you,” she sighs again, pressing sweet kisses to the corner of Van’s mouth.
“I don’t hate hearing that,” Van admits, pulling back a bit to look into Tai’s eyes.
“You knew it, though, right?” Tai asks, her tongue running over her bottom lip, still tasting Van there.
“Yeah,” Van says, not breaking eye contact. “I knew.”
Tai feels a small victory at that, that she hasn’t failed in making Van feel loved, even if she hasn’t been good at saying it. Her fingers find Van’s wrist, the one she touched earlier, where the skin is red and angry. Her thumb brushes carefully against the raw skin, and she brings it to her mouth, placing a gentle kiss there, and then to Van’s palm.
Van’s looking up at her curiously, and Tai doesn’t feel like explaining, so she doesn’t. She just takes Van’s hand and lifts her arm up over Van’s head, and then repeats the motions on the other side, kissing the inside of her wrist, ghosting her lips over the soft skin of her hand.
Before Van can ask questions, she’s pushing up her shirt, palming at Van’s stomach.
“Off,” she directs, and Van complies, sitting up a bit so that Tai can quickly rid her of the layers she has on until she’s bare from the waist up. Recently they haven’t bothered with getting completely undressed–it’s too cold, there are so many people around. But Van isn’t objecting.
Tai leans in and places a soft kiss to Van’s neck, feeling the way her breath quickens. She knows how sensitive Van is, remembers the first time she kissed Van’s neck and Van fucking whimpered. She takes her time now, placing gentle open-mouthed kisses down her neck, across her collarbone.
“Tai,” Van sighs, a hint of desperation already present in her voice.
“Shhh, baby,” Tai quiets her. Tai needs this. Needs to take her time, to take care of Van. To show her how much she loves her.
Soon, Taissa’s mouth is on the soft skin of Van’s breasts, sucking gently underneath, along the curve, waiting, waiting. Van’s breathing picks up and she’s arching her back slightly, trying to get Tai where she wants her. This close, Tai can hear Van’s heart beating, can feel it.
Tai takes a nipple into her mouth and sucks, hard. She’s so pleased at the noise that generates, the way Van pushes against her.
She scrapes her teeth against Van’s nipple before moving to the other side, sucking a bruise into the underside of Van’s breast. Van is so pale, even more now that it’s winter and she isn’t getting some color from soccer, from hours spent outside. Taissa loves the way Van’s skin betrays everything they do, how she can see evidence of her mouth and teeth later.
Tai is showing no signs of stopping, her teeth scraping against Van’s nipple, and Van shudders.
“Tai,” Van whines.
“Yeah, baby?” Tai looks up at Van innocently, like she doesn’t know.
Van huffs, hating being made to say it, sometimes.
“You’re kind of killing me, here,” Van says, slightly out of breath.
Tai looks Van over, admires the way her chest is flushed, splotches of red across her skin, her nipples hard, and wet, and so pink. Tai’s tongue wets her own lips, and she smirks.
“I think you’re going to wish you didn’t say that.”
To prove her point, Tai kisses Van once, on the mouth, before moving back down, trailing kisses along her jaw, her throat, and down, between her breasts. She traces Van’s freckles with her tongue, drawing constellations into her skin. She takes her time, letting herself explore every inch she comes across, kissing the soft skin of her stomach, scraping her teeth over the too-present hip bones peaking out over the top of Van’s pants.
Van eagerly helps her get rid of the rest of her clothes, and then Van is completely bare, her skin flushed. Tai sits back to look at her.
“God, you’re so beautiful.”
Van blushes, and Tai loves the way the color looks on her.
Van’s legs have spread for her, automatically, out of habit and instinct and want. Tai runs her fingers along the inside of Van’s thigh, watching. She loves the way Van’s hips jump up, how worked up she is already.
Tai leans in and places a kiss to Van’s hip, moves down and in, replacing her fingers with her mouth on Van’s thigh. Van’s legs spread wider, eager. Tai’s tongue darts out, licking once, twice, before closing her mouth on the tender flesh and sucking, hard. She knows it will bruise, that tomorrow Van will feel her mouth there, so close to where she wants it.
Van is whimpering, so whiny, and Tai shushes her, mostly because she can. She moves to the other leg, kissing up from the inside of Van’s knee, and her hands have moved to Van’s waist, holding her gently but firmly as she bucks up.
“You’re so sensitive,” she teases, nipping at the inside of Van’s thigh.
“Yeah, well, you’re a fucking tease,” Van shoots back, unable to keep the edge out of her voice.
Tai pulls back to look at her girlfriend, to take pleasure in the way she’s pliant and waiting for her. Ready.
“I’d only be a tease if I didn’t follow through,” she points out. Tai has a devious smirk now, her fingers running up and down Van’s thighs, feeling the muscles jerk underneath her touch.
“I always do, don’t I?”
Van grunts her agreement, unable to make conversation and not willing to play this game. Tai takes pity on her and holds her gaze as her fingers move between Van’s legs, finally, finally, spreading her open and stroking through her.
Tai shouldn’t be surprised by how wet Van is, but it still fucking wrecks her. Her fingers slide easily against Van’s cunt, and it’s delicious.
“Fuck, Van,” she marvels, and Van bucks against her at that, loving when Tai says her name.
“You feel so good,” Tai adds, because it’s true, and because she knows Van loves to hear it.
Van is pressing up, trying to get more friction, bucking against Tai’s fingers, but it’s useless. Tai is avoiding her clit, and Van’s so wet, so slippery, it’s torturous.
“Please,” Van whines, looking up at Tai with pleading eyes.
Tai loves her so much, she can’t deny her anything. Her fingers finally make contact with Van’s clit, briefly, circling around and around and it’s so messy, she can’t really control her movements as much as she would like.
Finally, her fingers press against Van’s entrance, and it’s easy to fit two inside. Van groans, and Tai puts her other hand over Van’s mouth, quieting her.
“Shhh, baby, the whole cabin will hear you,” she warns, but it’s half-hearted. She loves how loud Van gets, but she’s selfish, she’s greedy, and she doesn’t want anyone else to know what Van sounds like when she’s getting fucked.
Van’s whole body is flushed, and she’s sweating somehow, even though it’s freezing out. Tai’s fingers are deep inside her, moving in and out, slowly, too slowly, and Van is begging.
“Please, Tai,” she whines, pushing up.
Tai’s mouth is at Van’s ear as she fucks her, curls her fingers the way Van likes.
“What, baby, what do you need?” she asks, and she means it this time, she’s not teasing. She wants to give Van everything.
“More,” Van pants out, and she sounds wrecked.
Tai is kissing right below Van’s ear, sucking on her earlobe when she slides two fingers out and three back in. Van groans. It feels so good like this, Tai half on top of Van, Van clenching around Tai’s fingers.
Tai thinks back to the first time she felt Van like this, hot and wet around her fingers. She felt so lucky, couldn’t believe anything this good existed, and that she was the one who got to see Van come undone, that Van trusted her. She knew she’d never get tired of it, and she hasn’t.
“You’re so good,” Tai whispers, and Van is close, she can tell. She’s so tight around Tai’s fingers now it’s hard to move them.
Tai’s thumb finds Van’s clit, and Van is wild against her, thrashing up. “I love you so much,” Tai says, and that’s all it takes. Van is making the sweetest noises and she’s pulsing against her, around her, and it’s so hot.
Tai kisses Van’s neck, licks the sweat there, and waits while Van comes down. Only when she feels Van relax does she remove her fingers.
“Fuck,” Van exhales, still catching her breath.
“Good?” Tai asks, eyes sparkling, seeking a little validation, if she’s honest. Van deserves the best, and Tai wants to make sure she gets it.
“Yeah,” Van assures, quietly, shyly almost. They kiss, softly, sweetly, and the taste of blood is gone.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Tai mumbles against Van’s mouth. “I never want to hurt you.”
“I know.” Van’s stroking Tai’s cheek, holding her so gently, like she’s something worth being careful with, and Tai wants to cry. She doesn’t deserve it.
“You’re too good to me,” she whispers. Van frowns, searching her eyes.
“Do you really think that?”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
Van kisses the corner of her mouth, and then all over her cheeks, her forehead. Van pulls back to look at her, serious.
“Taissa Turner, you are the coolest person I know. You’re so smart, and funny, and good at soccer. Way better than me. And you’re kind, if not always nice, and you care. You care about people.”
Tai shifts uncomfortably, not feeling deserving of all the compliments. Before she can protest, Van smiles, the secret smile that’s just for her, and continues. “And you’re so good at sex. I don’t have anything to compare it to, you know, but I feel pretty confident about that. That thing you do with your tongue…” Tai cuts her off with a kiss before she can continue, laughing against Van’s mouth.
“I could do it now, if you want,” Tai teases.
“As great as that sounds, I’m not letting you do that,” Van responds, and Tai is pouting. Tai only gets like this for Van.
“What? Why not?” Tai asks, indignant.
“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but you’re still wearing all these clothes.”
“So?”
“So I’m going to have to fix that,” Van explains, and then she does just that, quickly removing the mismatched items Taissa is wearing until they’re both finally naked.
“That’s better,” Van says as she gets on top of Tai, straddling her lap.
Van’s hands are greedy, moving up Tai’s chest until she’s cupping both of her breasts, palming them gently. She kneads until she can feel Tai’s nipples tighten and runs her thumbs against them, her fingers twisting them, a little hard, the way she knows Tai likes. One hand stays there, pulling and pinching at Tai’s nipple, while the other moves down, to the flat expanse of Tai’s stomach. Van’s finger traces into her skin, the way it did earlier.
I.
<3.
U.
Tai is embarrassed at how she flushes at that, at how she can feel herself dripping, already so worked up from making Van come and now this. Her sweet girl.
“Van,” she breathes, and Van smirks at her, not one to tease, not the way Tai can, does.
Van is moving down Tai’s body quickly, kissing down her stomach, and then pressing open mouthed kisses along her hips, above her pelvis. Van’s mouth is pressing against her mound, and she’s inhaling deeply, and if Taissa wasn’t so far gone already, she’d be embarrassed by how wet and needy she is.
“Van,” she says again, and then Van’s mouth is on her, hot and open. Van is messy and enthusiastic, so hungry. Van brings one of Tai’s legs over her shoulder, gets deeper, breathes Tai in. Tai knows that Van’s face is already slick with her, and she gets wetter at the thought.
Van sucks on Tai’s clit, and Tai is throbbing, pushing closer, bucking her hips against Van’s face.
“Inside,” she instructs, and Van listens, because she always does, her mouth moving down, down and then her tongue is teasing at her entrance, licking inside, pushing into her, and Tai feels lightheaded, thinks she might pass out.
Van is so eager to please, Tai doesn’t think she breathes at all. All of her energy, all of her focus is on Tai, and Tai loves her so fucking much.
“You’re so good,” Tai says, her fingers threading through Van’s hair, tugging gently, and Van groans against her. Van’s chin is slippery, bumping against Tai, and she suddenly is so overcome with love for this girl, she needs to see her.
“C’mere,” she whines, and she’s pulling Van up, despite her moans of protest.
Tai kisses Van hard, desperate, tasting herself on Van’s tongue, panting into her open mouth.
Van replaces her mouth with her fingers, stroking easily inside Taissa. Van lowers herself onto Tai’s thigh, and Tai groans into the kiss at how wet Van is against her.
It’s a little frantic now, but it doesn’t matter. Tai reaches between them, desperate to have her hands on Van again, and she’s overwhelmed by everything she’s feeling. Van’s fingers inside her, not faltering despite the way Van’s breath hitches when Tai strokes her, her head falling down into the crook of Tai’s neck. Tai can feel Van’s breath, hot and heavy against her skin, and that’s what makes her come. Van. Van. Van.
Van follows shortly after, rutting against Tai’s hand before collapsing against her.
They’re so sweaty, and the room smells so much like sex, and she’s sure everyone heard them, but she doesn’t care.
Tai fucking loves Van.
“I love you,” she whispers into Van’s ear, pushing her sweaty hair back, off her face. They roll over onto their sides, facing each other, and Tai brings the covers over them, wanting to keep them safe, wanting to shut out everyone and everything else.
Van is biting her lip and scrunching her nose in that way she does, and god, Tai really does love her. Suddenly, she feels nothing else.
“I’ve loved you since I first met you,” Van replies, and Tai rolls her eyes.
“No you did not.”
“Well, maybe not like this, no,” Van admits. “But I was in awe of you. You were so cool. So sure. I knew I had to know you.”
Tai’s heard this before, but still, it softens her.
“I’ve loved you since the first time, we, you know…” Tai trails off, blushing.
“Fucked?” Van supplies helpfully, laughing. “We just did it, and you can’t say it?”
Tai pushes Van’s shoulder, playfully. “I can say it.” She kisses Van’s shoulder, mumbling against it. “I just wasn’t going to say ‘fucked’ you know. I wasn’t going to be so crass about it.”
Tai doesn’t understand why she’s fucking blushing, still, after everything, but she is, because Van does things to her she doesn’t understand.
“Oh?” Van teases, her eyes sparkling. “What were you going to say?”
“Shut up.” Tai leans forward, kissing Van sweetly, softly, pressing their foreheads together.
“It doesn’t really matter when it started,” Van says quietly.
“Why not?”
“Because I’m going to love you forever,” Van says. “Until I die.”
Neither of them point out the obvious, that Van could die tomorrow, or next week, or next month. It doesn’t matter.
“Me too,” Tai promises, and then she’s pulling Van against her, turning her so she can spoon her. Tai drapes herself around Van, an arm tight around her waist, their bodies flush together.
“We should probably get dressed,” Van says, though Tai can tell she’s settling in, leaning back into Tai’s chest, that she won’t really make an effort to get up just yet.
“In a few” Tai replies, pressing her mouth to the back of Van’s neck, breathing her in.
She’s not sure how long she’ll have Van like this. How long they’ll have each other at all. Tai plans on enjoying it while she can.