Chapter Text
Lottie has the bloodiest hands Shauna has ever seen.
The crimson drips from her slender fingers to the floor in fat, slow rivers, forming a pool beneath her knees, where she is crushed in the middle of the field. Shauna absently thinks that they're going to be an ugly purple by the end of the week.
No one moves. No one even breathes.
The yellowjackets are a circle around Lottie. To protect her from the judging eyes of the whole crowd or to join the accusations against her, Shauna doesn't know. There is, objectively, a judgment from a moral arrow. Shauna drives her eyes to Taissa and her furrowed eyebrows, along with the shock and the horror. To Jackie, who seems quiet for just this moment, probably thinking about how to contain the damage. To Van, to Nat, and finds the same quiet confusion, after all, this is Lottie Matthews, the girl who refused to hurt a teammate even if to win because it didn't feel right.
Lottie, the most calm and grounded of the group. Who is now, looking at Shauna, eyelashes fluttering with worry and guilt between her own bloody palms and Shauna's face, because if someone ever gets the blood and the guilt, then it is Shauna. How could she not? Shauna was known for being a tick bomb. Push her a bit and watch her explode, it's like the pent up anger was under her skin all along, only waiting for an excuse to hurt someone. The guilt comes later, when she can't wash away the things she's done down the sink. And for that moment, if anything matters, Shauna gets it.
Before she can move, the noise of the whistle cuts the shock short and all the girls come back to themselves. There is the furious crowd of the other team, the team of the girl that Lottie has beaten up until her knuckles had split, and Lottie isn't trying to defend herself from the insults. She lowers her head even when their rival pulls her by the shirt, spitting in her face.
That's when the yellowjackets intervene. The judge is trying to separate them, the fight going for far too long until Jackie manages to calm the girl down by talking to her in the corner. Shauna notices that no one has seen how Lottie is, so she goes down on one knee to help her get up.
Shauna doesn't touch her. For some reason, she thinks Lottie doesn't want to be reminded that she has a body right now. She looks weak, fragile, even with the evidence that she's not in her fingers.
"Lottie? Are you okay?" Shauna whispers, not sure if Lottie hears it because of the noise.
"I don't want to be here." Lottie answers, almost as low. "I didn't… I don't… I just wanted to protect you guys."
Shauna doesn't understand what she means by that, but she nods. She gets the need to protect, but doesn't know how that girl would be a threat to the yellowjackets.
"We're gonna get you home, don't worry." And Lottie seems even more panicked now that Shauna mentions her home, brown eyes filling with tears instantly. "Oh shit, I'm sorry, we're… not gonna get you home? Y-You just have to rest, yeah? C'mon, I will help you up."
Laura Lee is faster than Shauna, because of course she is. She pushes Shauna before she can even touch Lottie, wraps her in a hug that seems too tight to be comfortable, and goes up with the brunette. Laura Lee pulls her away from the field to the backseat. Shauna bites her tongue to not make the situation worse, she just thinks that Lottie is already hurt enough to be dragged like that so aggressively.
Shauna is too angry with the way Lottie was taken from her to notice that the game goes on. The other girl, beaten by Lottie, is already receiving medical care and also out of the game. She only snaps out of it when Tai says so, then she follows.
Still, Shauna can't get it out of her head. Her mind fills with images of Lottie, her desperation, the blood on her hands, her voice cracking, her tears. Shauna twists someone's ankle and pushes the girls hard, ball in her feet, even when the sun is binding her with sweat and tiredness. She goes with all, gives her all, driven by an anger within her that doesn't seem to rest, especially when she catches a glimpse of Lottie in the seats.
She doesn't know how Laura Lee isn't seeing red too. Doesn't know how she keeps her face straight and even without her lovely smile, she is calm and secure in herself. It seems that the fact that Lottie is hurt didn't even happen to her.
Shauna tries to dismiss that thought. Laura Lee cares for Lottie, there's a reason why they're best friends. She simply must believe in her faith more, her friend's suffering must not overwhelm her until the point of hurting someone. Shauna doesn't believe in God, she dropped out of church when she was little and never thought of coming back. She still feels guilty about it sometimes, wishing she could be more like Laura Lee, good girl born good, someone that Lottie would–
For a second, Shauna sees her own hands bloody, knuckles split, just like Lottie's. Just one second, the image is gone and she scores the goal that classifies them to the next game.
All the girls come running to Shauna and embracing her in a sweaty, honest hug. They're all screaming and talking at the same time, the happiness compensating the dried blood in the grass at their feet. Shauna looks at Lottie and Lottie doesn't look away.
"We should get some drinks! Who's up to celebrating at the mall?" Jackie suggests, wrapping her arm around Shauna's shoulders.
The contact almost makes Shauna jump from her skin because of how unexpected it was. She forces herself to look at Jackie and manages a smile with cheeks burning, sweat in her temples.
"No, every time we go drink you want to go bowling too, Jackie, I can't handle one more of your disaster moves!" Taissa jokes, although it is true. Jackie is awful at bowling.
"I will bring a camera this time for blackmailing purposes," Van laughs when Jackie pushes her shoulder a little bit. "But seriously, no bowling. Last time my arm almost fell off."
"Fine! No bowling. Just drinks then, ladies?" Jackie pouts, knowing that everyone has a soft spot for her when she does that. "Pretty please! We can't let this go to waste, it's a once in a lifetime moment!"
"We win games all the time, Jackie, let's not give a sentimental bullshit speech right now, okay?" Nat interrupts but she's smiling, like she secretly enjoys Jackie's speeches.
"But–"
Shauna bites her lip when she notices that Laura Lee is too quiet, probably thinking the same as her. This time, she is quicker.
"You know guys, I'm tired…I think it's better to go home." Shauna announces and tries to ignore Jackie's face contorting into disappointment. But then her best friend smiles again, lips curled too tightly, knowing something was off but deciding to brush it off.
"Call me when you get there? I want to talk to you later."
For now, at least. Knowing Jackie, she will go for the throat later. Coating Shauna in her best clothes and best talks and pretending they are twelve again, making Shauna comfortable to ask what the hell bothered her so much about today. It would be nice, Jackie is well intended, but Shauna doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't know how to explain it. Of course Shauna doesn't like the idea of calling her later, but she likes Jackie, so she doesn't reject her.
"Okay." She smiles a bit. "I'm going to see how Lottie is."
The urge comes before she can think of what it means. Shauna repeats to herself that she wants to take care of Lottie because Lottie is a mystery to her. They're on the same team and they do talk, but they're not properly close. And seeing her hurt… She would do this for any of her teammates. Shauna gulps, swallows down her own voice saying that this is not the only reason.
When she gets there, Lottie isn't alone. Misty is saying something to her in detail and giving her some bottles of pills. Shauna smiles when Lottie's expression turns into a bit of confusion and she asks Misty to explain it again. The brunette waits for the talk to finish while Misty wraps Lottie in a blanket.
Shauna thinks she looks cute. Lottie is very tall, so in the field, it makes her presence noticed by everyone. Even if she is really quiet outside the games, her personality is quite timid, she's pretty enough to have people whisper about her in the halls. Lottie has an allure to herself, magnetic because she doesn't want the attention, so she makes herself smaller and smaller. It makes people curious about her, a deer caught in the headlights. Right now, though, she looks small. Her cheeks are flushed from the cold, her wavy hair is messy, hands tight on the blanket.
She's beautiful. Shauna thinks. When Lottie looks at her, Shauna is caught staring and all her face burns.
"Hey," Shauna blurts out, sitting by her side to look more nonchalant.
"Hi,"
"Just checking on you, you know. Things can get pretty rough in the field."
"Yeah."
Silence again. Lottie smiles, all knowing.
"You can ask, Shauna. It's fine."
Shauna exhales the air from her lungs and Lottie laughs at her attempt to be subtle about that topic.
"What happened out there? God, Lottie, you were fine one second and the next no one could even see you move. You were just… all over that girl. What did she say?"
"It was some shit about Nat, how we managed to play with a 'junkie' that couldn't even keep her grades up with how much she's addicted to. Some stupid bullshit about her depression, too. And then she kept going on about how fucked we all were, and that she would make sure to leave us a 'present' that we wouldn't forget."
"A present?"
"I don't know what she meant. All I know it's that I wanted to protect you guys from all of that, and when I noticed..I was hitting her." She whispers the last part, like she expects Shauna to point fingers at her, afraid to say it out loud.
That same guilt, now reflected in her voice. Instead, Shauna looks at Lottie's knees and remembers the bruises. Lottie's hands are wrapped in bandages, probably made by Misty, so she couldn't see the blood anymore. Shauna doesn't understand the disappointment that washes over her. She is glad that Lottie seems fine, of course, but she wants to see the blood, to have evidence of that tiny moment between them when Shauna kneeled in front of her.
Maybe that girl was right, Shauna is fucked up.
"At least you hit her very well," Shauna jokes instead.
Lottie's face lights up with a genuine laughter, surprisingly because of the dark topic, bubbling from her chest. Shauna never heard her laugh like that so she feels so much pride in being the cause of it, even if it's just for a silly joke.
"So… when will your parents pick you up?"
Lottie's smile disappears. Shauna feels sorry for asking even before hearing the answer.
"They're on a trip, I don't think they're coming."
"Oh." Shauna lowers her head. "You should come to my house, then." Shauna tries to fix it. "You're not okay, Lottie, it's not good to be by yourself when you're like this."
"What, do I need help to pick books from a shelf now that my legs are a bit bruised? Can't hold a glass of water now that my hands are awful?" Lottie jokes and Shauna thinks about doing all of this stuff with her. To her. She blushes all the way to her clavicles.
"Yeah, I mean, no! You are able to do these things I guess, but it's better to have someone around. You should rest, isn't that what Misty, our great doctor, recommended?"
"Something along these lines, yeah." Lottie recalls. "It won't be a burden to you?" A bit lower, too ashamed to acknowledge herself at all.
It. Like Lottie didn't even consider herself a person.
"You're not a burden, Lottie." Shauna reassures and has the sudden urge to hold her hand and feel the hurt in her knuckles. She closes her fist, instead. Gets up. Doesn't look at Lottie, doesn't dare to. "We should go, it's getting cold."
[♤]
It's night and Lottie is tucked in the blankets along with Shauna, same bed, pillows underneath them. They're face to face, their pinkies almost touching. The intimacy doesn't feel real, but Shauna knows it is by how her heart pounds in her throat.
"Do you want something else? Are you comfortable?" Shauna offers.
"I'm okay, thanks." Lottie pushes a part of the blanket closer to Shauna's body, keeping her warm. "What about you?"
"Yes, I'm comfortable in my own bed, Lottie," Shauna smiles, she can't help it, Lottie is too sweet.
Her phone rings and Shauna sighs, picking it up. Lottie is looking at her with curiosity, but trying to contain it to not be a pushover. Shauna hears Jackie's voice on the line.
"So, Jeff," Jackie starts.
"Jeff." Shauna repeats, mentally cursing that that stupid boy is the topic Jackie chooses.
She loves Jackie so much, but ever since they started high school, all she thinks about is boys and popularity. Which, itself, it's not a bad thing. The problem is that this was all Jackie wanted to talk about. Shauna was just tired of it, wanting to come back to the time when their friendship was all about them.
"–and then he kissed me in front of everyone. I don't know, it felt weird but it must be that thing about the butterflies, you know? Can you want someone so much that it feels weird to kiss them?"
"Hmm… I wouldn't know." Shauna clicks her tongue. "The only experience I have with kissing is making out with Taissa at like, the eighth grade for a dare. And kissing a random boy when I was drunk. I never…" Shauna is aware of Lottie's brown, beautiful eyes on her, gaze dropping from Shauna's eyes to her mouth. The smaller girl licks her lips unconsciously. "I never thought about it too much. Wait, do you want Jeff?"
"Of course I do, Shauna! He's my boyfriend!" Jackie sounds outraged by the possibility of not wanting him. "And Taissa in the eighth grade was life changing, you have to admit that. I'm shocked that you guys are friends with how much tongue was involved."
"It was my first kiss!" Shauna blushes furiously and Lottie squeaks a laugh, trying hard to not make a sound.
Jackie, being Jackie, listens anyway.
"Are you with someone, Shipman? In the middle of the night?"
Shauna chokes on the implications, but decides to go smooth instead. Jackie wouldn't let her live if she thought that Shauna was sleeping with someone and not telling her.
"It's Lottie."
"Hi, Jackie," Lottie greets even when Jackie is probably thinking this whole conversation is awkward.
"Are you guys…?"
"..."
"..."
"Are you…?"
Shauna wants to hide under the blanket.
"No, I guess? Lottie needed help." Shauna amends it.
"And the solution was a sleepover…"
Lottie's face falls immediately, lips tight in a sad frown. Damn Jackie and her jealousy.
"Jackie, stop."
"I just think it's weird, that's all! You guys barely talk and now she's sleeping at yours? What's next? Is she going to become your best friend too?"
"This is not about becoming my next best friend at all. I said it, she's hurt–"
"Hurt?" Jackie laughs, all bitter. "She beats a girl to almost death and you think Lottie Matthews is the one that's hurt?"
"Fuck off, Jackie!" Shauna growls, voice so raspy in a way Lottie has never seen directed to Jackie. The girl seems to witness it for the first time too, breath caught in her throat. "You don't get to talk about her like she isn't listening!"
"You've seen the girl's face, Shauna! Why the hell are you defending her?" Jackie's voice cracks. "Why are you with her and not here?"
Shauna hangs up the call and drops her phone to the floor so she doesn't break it against a wall.
"Maybe I should just go…" Lottie murmurs, locking all in herself like she is used to. "She's right, Shauna, I'm bothering you–"
Lottie tries to leave the bed, but Shauna grips her wrist hard. The taller girl whimpers, probably from pain, and the sound makes Shauna bite her lip, chew on something to calm down the heat on her core. She dismisses the sensation to plead at the brunette.
"You're not bothering me, I invited you. Stay here." Their eyes meet. There's doubt, still, in Lottie's. "Please? I don't want you out there on your own."
Lottie sighs and gives in, nodding a bit. Shauna pulls her closer to the edge of the bed, laying her down slowly. She lets Shauna move her body without protest, even if the touch it's too rough, looking through Shauna the whole time to see if she changes her mind. Shauna doesn't, she wants her here.
"She is kind of right, you can't deny it," Lottie whispers, afraid that it is true.
"She's not. I love Jackie to death, but she's so used to being the center of my life that when I spend time with someone else, she gets… like that." Shauna explains. "It's like she wants me to be in her shadow all the time. Which, usually, I don't mind. But, sometimes… I just miss being my own person, you know?" It's the first time Shauna admits that to someone else. Lottie is listening. "Sometimes all the lines blur and I think that I'm not living like I'm supposed to because I'm too concerned about what Jackie would think."
"How are you supposed to live?"
Shauna holds back a smile.
"I don't even like soccer, I wanted to go to a literature club. Maybe even do something with writing?"
"I can imagine that. Remember that time when we were supposed to write a story for English class? Yours was the best."
"I didn't even remember that, Lottie, please," Shauna laughs. "It was a stupid story, anyway."
"It wasn't! I really liked it. It was tragic, but I thought it was nice, back then. Definitely the best." Lottie reassures.
"Well, the competition wasn't very hard. It was mine or Laura Lee's retelling of the bible."
"The Bible has been written a million times. I prefer yours."
Shauna hides her smile under the blankets. It feels nice, easy, to be with Lottie. They talk until both of them are too tired, sleep heaving their eyelids.