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the voice in my head said LOVE IS THE DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU AND WHAT YOU LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE
- Frank Bidart, Guilty of Dust
Mark easily picks him out of the crowd. Renjun's hair is black and short now which makes him look a lot younger, his features softer at the edges. Mark can't remember the time he wasn't in awe of Renjun's presence. Now, he's at it again, it's like tunnel vision—only Renjun in his line of sight, everything around him simply a blur.
It's a talent, he used to tell Renjun, that he can pick him out in any kind of crowd without any difficulty, in any room, in any city, in any country, he would go on and on. Renjun would laugh at him, tells him he's just exaggerating, and calling that a talent is him being weird. What he doesn't tell Renjun is that maybe he's just that in love with him, in that it's basically instinct to always know where to look so he can easily find him.
There are things you can't outgrow, Mark thinks, and for him, it's seeing Renjun and have the whole world reduced into the room they're in, even it's been almost 4 and a half years since he last saw him and 5 years since they broke up.
---
When Donghyuck told Mark that Renjun was coming back to town, he felt he was doused with a bucket of ice. He wasn't exactly sure why. He hasn't heard from him in years, the only news he got about Renjun was from his occasional social media posts which he would see whenever he would go over his accounts occasionally. He argues, mostly with himself, that it's normal to do that, to see what your friends are up to and Renjun is still his friend after all, well, he hopes.
"I invited him to Jeno's gig next weekend, it can be a welcome-back thing for him. You should come. Catch up with him and all." Donghyuck says matter-of-factly, as if they're simply old friends, not exes with a shared history that is also shared with all their friends.
"Are you sure?" He says, a bit apprehensive of what this could mean, of what this could not mean. What he doesn't say is, How could you, Donghyuck, how could you think it would be that easy, how could you ask me that easily to see him again?
"Yeah, why not, it's been a while since you last saw each other. We barely see you too. It'd be nice to have you there." Hyuck reassures him, as if to say, he needs this. And he thinks there'd be no harm in it. He and Renjun, it was a clean break, they agreed to be friends still but only eventually lost contact when Renjun found an opportunity to work abroad, something about expanding his horizons or whatever he said. Back then, Mark thought it sounded kinda cruel, to make it seem that whatever Renjun had at that moment wasn't enough for him, that they weren't enough, he wasn't enough, which makes sense since they eventually fell apart. What was once a relationship their friends regarded as their ideal one suddenly turned into a lesson for them—something they had to avoid, something they feared happening to them.
---
It's Renjun who approaches him, and walks slowly to him. He holds Mark's gaze when he meets Mark's eyes from across the room. The bar is dimly lit but Renjun glows. He carries himself with an air of grace as if he can command everyone in the room to look at him, to pay close attention to him but he isn't aware of it at all. That's how it was when they were still together, Mark forgetting to mind anything else when he was with Renjun, his focus only on him. It's like a secret he keeps, because it mostly goes unnoticed by everyone else, that everything Renjun does is like magic to him, making everything else too mundane, too trivial, too ordinary.
When they're finally in front of each other, Mark only then realized that he was holding his breath.
They walk slowly to the side where's there less people, where Renjun leans by the wall and looks at him as if he's the only thing that matters right at that moment.
It's Mark who first says something, to break the ice, to convince himself that this was fine, that he'll be fine.
He tries to be casual, "So you're back in town," he says, trying not to leave a hint that having Renjun in front of him again after so long feels like he's about to combust.
"Yeah, it's been a while right?" Renjun smiles at him warmly, the kind of smile Mark still keeps an image of somewhere in his mind.
Mark hums and smiles, but doesn't say, Yes, a while. 4 years, 5 months, and 17 days is a while. He counted last night, or last week, or last month, it doesn't matter.
Renjun tries to speak louder, to level with the noise of the music, "I didn't think you'd come. Hyuck said you would but he's always been a liar."
"Well, I had nothing to do anyway, and yeah, since it's been a while since, you know, I last saw you." A little lie. Mark made sure his Saturday was free for this for which he's been mentally preparing himself for since he got invited by Hyuck. He spent the entire day mustering the courage to actually go, so here he is.
"I'm glad you made it, I kinda missed it here, missed you guys, everything I guess," Renjun says as he scans the room, his face seems to be taking everything in, as if he can't believe he's here because it's been minutes and Mark still can't believe Renjun is here.
"SMILE!" A loud voice from in front them. It was Jaemin holding his film camera, that distinct clicking sound going off before they could even register what was happening.
"Our friends seem to have never changed." Renjun laughs to himself. Our, Mark thinks, and it makes him feel something he refuses to name, for now.
"Some things did change, but I think you have time to catch up. Do you?" Mark knows that despite the years of distance between them, if Renjun is still the Renjun he knows, the one he fell in love with many moons ago, he'd easily understand what he's truly asking him.
"All the time in the world." Renjun smiles brightly that Renjun himself looks like a promise to Mark.
Mark didn't mean to but he sticks by Renjun's side all night who doesn't seem to mind. He's not interested in talking to anyone else, anyway. Mark can't say he didn't somehow imagine this, that he didn't want this happen, didn't want to be close to Renjun again, didn't want to be sharing stories with him again, didn't want to feel as if they're friends again. So he doesn't pay anyone or anything else attention. Well, he does, but barely. Donghyuck would understand, he'll just have to explain himself eventually.
The two of them cover a lot of topics. Mostly everything Renjun was up to all around in Europe. Mark bites his tongue for fear of slipping that he knows some of the things the younger has been up to because of… the keeping tabs on his social media accounts thing. Renjun asks him things too, how's life so far, and if he likes his job (he doesn't).
They're both close to 30 now, both having had to experience life away from each other, truly far from what they once were. It feels strange to Mark, to be able to talk like this again, as if there wasn't lost time in between them, as if there weren't gaps to bridge for them to pick it up where they left off.
The night gets deeper, Mark gets tipsier, and Jeno's band finish playing. Chenle says hi with a drunk Jisung by his side, mumbling something about all of them needing to hang out together again, that he missed seeing all of them together. Renjun coos at him, and tells him of course, they would do this again and that Jisung would always be his favorite, sober or not. Jaemin disappeared somewhere, somehow, in the middle of everything, like how he usually does. Hyuck berates him for keeping Renjun to himself, and Renjun for keeping Mark to himself. They laugh, a lot. At one point in the night, Mark fights the urge to pull Renjun closer to him, to somehow feel his warmth again, to hold him close again. It takes a lot of him to finally come to terms with how much he missed him, his ex but also his friend, someone he hasn't talked to for years, someone whose life he's basically not part of anymore but tonight it feels like he is.
And Mark wants to allow himself to want even a little, but it doesn't feel like it's little at all. It feels grand, too much to ask for, that he wants to be in Renjun's life again.
When the bar's about to close and it's just the four of them left among their friends, him with Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jeno, Mark feels like he's having an out of body experience. It's as if he's watching himself with Renjun from a distance because it feels so strange, to be in a reality where Renjun is near him again. They fix their things, make sure they're already quite sober to get home, and head outside.
Mark blames nostalgia for how he feels tonight. It suddenly feels like it's 7 years ago, the four of them still out at 2 in the morning, trying to sober up from everything they drank, having had begun to drink at 5 in the afternoon which was Donghyuck's idea. He tells them that it's just them trying to enjoy adulthood while it was still enjoyable—they were fresh from university, still clueless about how the world was gonna fuck them over. Mark looks back to when he was still full of hope, still not jaded by working a 9 to 5 job that makes him hate himself, still with Renjun, still thinking they were all set to face whatever future together.
But things happen, years later, Hyuck and Jeno are still together while he and Renjun feel like they've got oceans to cross just to make up for all the lost time. He doesn't fault anyone for it though, he stopped doing that a long time ago, and simply resolved it with himself. He knows Renjun is that person in his life, he simply doesn't know if this is the lifetime for them.
"Okay, we're going ahead, are you guys good to find your way home?" Jeno says as he tries to pry off Donghyuck's tight hold on Renjun's arm to which Renjun doesn't seem to mind which is new but also makes sense considering how long they haven't seen each other.
Both of them nod, Renjun hugs Jeno and Donghyuck tightly before they get inside their cab with exchanges of promises to see each other again soon, Renjun saying of course, he won't go anywhere far anytime soon again. Mark feels a tightening in his gut, he wants to ask Renjun to make him the same promise, to tell him he won't go anywhere far from him again, that Mark doesn't have to miss him anymore.
When Renjun turns to face him, Mark feels himself flush, as if he's caught red-handed in his yearning. But Renjun says nothing, his expression stays the same, still warm, so familiar and not familiar, so his and so not his.
"Ready to call it a night?" Renjun says. Looking at him and the street in front of them, taking everything in. He looks happy to be here.
"Yeah, I guess, it's been fun right?" Mark asks, because as much as he wants to spend more time with Renjun, he wants to pause for now, for fear of eventually having to name this growing unsettling feeling in his gut. He would argue later that it's simply heartburn even if he knows it's far from it. But then again, he also wants to keep this going on, for this not to be the last time he sees Renjun in a long time again, for this to be the starting point of something, somehow.
They stay quiet for a few minutes, both thinking of what to say, how to say goodbye, so Mark simply taps at the younger's shoulder and says, "I go this way." Renjun smiles, nods, and holds his gaze as Mark tries to walk away. Before he could even turn his back on Renjun, the other grabs his arm suddenly, stopping him from walking away, and speaks tentatively, "If it's okay with you, can we do this again?"
"Do what again?" Mark asks cautiously, afraid of assuming something he knows he's hoping for.
"This," Renjun vaguely gestures to the two of them, "hang out and spend time, or whatever, maybe you can show me around again, like how you did before," Renjun says carefully, as if testing the waters, as if he's thinking that there's a possibility that Mark would refuse him.
Before, just like the way they met and got to know each other. Renjun was new to Seoul, new to the city life, and Mark had lived in this city for practically his whole life. It was Mark who introduced the city to Renjun, its nooks and crannies, and in the process, Renjun was able to introduce himself to Mark, his hopes and fears, and ambitions which Mark accepted with all his heart. He let Renjun into his life with open doors and open windows and open arms and open everything.
All Mark wants to do is to assure him that yes, he would want that, he would give everything just to catch up with Renjun, to feel important to him again, to feel like he's part of his life again. "Of course, Jun. We'll do this again. You can, uh, text me anytime?" He says clearly and carefully, trying not to remind Renjun that with him, Mark always feels like he's tripping over his words.
"Yeah, I have a new number, here." Renjun hands him his phone for Mark to type in his number. When Mark is done, Renjun presses the call button, "To make sure you get mine," he says with a smile.
They finally walk away from each other but not without glancing at each other again and again, until they're too far from each other to see the smile even clearly on each other's faces. Mark laughs to himself, thinks they're teenagers again, on the verge of coming to terms with something, anything, whatever it is.
Mark's lost in thought on his walk home. He wonders if this means anything, if this would account for anything in the long run. He thinks about the days, months, and even years he tried to stop himself from thinking of Renjun. What was he stopping himself from? Was he truly not over him?
5 years should be more than enough to get over someone and that 4 years of not seeing your ex should even be more reason for him to get his act together and let all his hopes go.
He tries hard to fall asleep but when he closes his eyes all he sees is Renjun. Renjun is in the middle of the crowd, the only one in the room who matters, the only one in the room who he can see clearly and vividly. Mark sleeps fitfully that night.
---
Renjun texts him the next morning. He thanks Mark for the time they spent last night and tells him he meant it when he said he wanted to hang out some more. They text for the rest of the day, Mark finding himself smiling at his phone like an idiot, like a teenager with a crush or something. Renjun always had that effect on him. Mark used to tell him that he made him feel careless, in a way that he feels like he can do anything without anyone there to judge him. He used to love Renjun like that, uncaring about everything else, only intent on loving Renjun the way he wants to and the way he knows how to, not knowing that sometimes it also meant that he also didn't care about what Renjun truly wanted from him and out of their relationship.
It shouldn't be this easy, Mark thinks to himself, there might be a catch sooner or later. But then, he wants it to be easy, he wants to do everything but resist giving in to what Renjun wants, even if it somehow means putting himself at risk of making the same mistakes again which made them lose each other.
Mark can't say their break-up didn't strain their friend group. After calling it quits, their friends were walking on eggshells around them, afraid to bring it up, afraid to have them both together in one room. He took it against them at first but eventually learned to understand that they were protecting them both. It was a choice for Mark and Renjun to be in a relationship knowing not only the two of them may come out of it hurt if it ends badly. And it did end, not too badly for them to hate each other but just enough for them to not care too much about keeping each other in one's lives.
It doesn't feel weird, Mark thinks it should, but it doesn't. Renjun tells him what he's up to, what he's having for dinner, and what he plans to do the following day. Mark does the same, and shares everything he thinks he should. It's comfortable, it feels commonplace.
They set a schedule to meet again the weekend after seeing each other at Jeno's gig. Mark floats the idea of watching a movie at the theatre, the new Park Chan Wook which he thought Renjun would like. They agreed to have lunch, see where the day takes them then end the day with the movie.
Mark instantly sees Renjun when he enters the doors to the cafe. It's still the same, everything else around melts with him at the center of the room. It takes Renjun a few seconds to spot where he's sitting. He watches him carefully as he walks toward him, trying to see if there are parts of him that he somehow forgot but he's still the same, the same with the image of him Mark keeps away in the depths of his mind.
"Sorry, I'm late, had to take a call for work and they kept asking dumb questions." Renjun was rambling while still catching his breath, hair slightly disheveled which made it obvious he ran on the way here. He's still as beautiful as ever, Mark thinks, and he's still drawn to him just as much as he was before.
Mark gestured for him to take the seat in front of him, "Catch your breath first, we have time," he tells him softly and he's suddenly unsure what he means, if he means today, or if he means beyond that, beyond the now that they have together.
Mark waits for Renjun to even his breathing and shamelessly stares at him until the younger stares back, raising his eyebrows as if in question. He smiles at him in response, doesn't say, you look good even when you don't try, I'd look at you even when you don't want me to, and still be in awe of you.
"I ran here, I know how I look, stop looking at me funny," Renjun says sulkily which makes Mark laugh.
"No, no, you look good like you always do."
"Mark Lee, stop flattering me." He tells Mark, chuckling.
Mark orders for them and they talk and talk and talk. It feels like they're running after or towards something, it isn't clear yet, but soon it will be, Mark hopes.
The movie is nice. Renjun cried. He's still the same, Mark thinks, he still loves crying over sad movies, especially if they're arthouse ones. Mark also thinks the movie is nice but he's convinced looking at Renjun is nicer. He can rewatch it any other time whereas looking at Renjun feels like a new experience altogether every time.
It's comfortable, there's no awkwardness. It's as if they never really stopped talking. Everything feels like yesterday, everything, meaning, before it all fell apart for the both of them.
They get a late dinner and talk some more. Mark tells Renjun that working in corporate is a choice, and leaving it is something he'd always been meaning to do for the last couple of years but couldn't. He tells him he wanna go back to his more ambitious self. Renjun tells him it's fine to constantly feel like he's at a crossroads at this point in his life and that he's sure Mark will eventually find his way. What Mark wants to ask Renjun is that what if the way he wants to pursue is one where Renjun is in it?
When they were together, the one-year Mark had on Renjun didn't feel like anything. They were always both leveled off with everything at hand. In fact, they were both leveled off with practically everything that both of them simply agreed breaking up was the best decision for them years back. No arguments, just both of them saying, okay, maybe this is it, this is what we both need.
It's like reorienting himself to who Renjun is. Mark thinks he knows him but there's still so much more to dig up, so much more to strip down to get to the Renjun that Mark wants to get to know again.
It's almost midnight when they decide to call it a night, Mark offers to walk Renjun home since they were already just a few blocks away. He's enjoying just being with him, looking at him amidst the bright city lights.
"I had fun." Renjun smiles. And Mark tries hard to stop himself from kissing Renjun right then and there.
"Let's do this again?" Mark asks and Renjun nods pressing his side close to him, the smile never leaving his face.
When they reach Renjun's apartment building, Mark tries to stop thinking too hard and goes to hug Renjun and hold him close. Renjun hugs him back tightly. They stay like that a bit, both somehow trying to remember what it felt like to be in each other's arms. When they part, they simply smile at each other. As Renjun goes inside, Mark could feel something fuzzy in his chest, warm and comforting. When he gets home, his jaw feels strained from smiling too much.
Mark wishes for this to be a first of some sort, he wishes for it to not be a one time thing, that it wouldn't be the last.
---
That's not the last time they go out. They get dinner some nights after work. On weekends, Mark accompanies Renjun as he reacquaints himself with the city. They go to spots Mark has reserved for himself that he now wants to share with Renjun. They go to places that are new to them both. It's a good time every time. Mark is thankful that Renjun wants to spend time with him again and that Renjun seems to be enjoying his company.
Mark gets more and more comfortable. One night while walking, by some strange wave of courage, he puts his arm around Renjun's shoulders. The younger doesn't complain, doesn't move away, instead, he leans against Mark, them being as close as possible while walking to wherever they were going.
It's one thing to admit to himself that he always looks forward to spending time with Renjun but it's another thing to even entertain the idea that he wants all their time spent together to mean something more than it should.
"Are exes supposed to spend this much time together?" Mark floats the question to Chenle one Saturday night. He finds himself at Chenle's apartment because he thinks he needs someone reasonable to talk to, someone who he knows wouldn't judge him at all, especially if the conversation involves Renjun.
"It depends on a lot of things. What's on your mind?" Chenle scrunches his face as if readying himself to provide Mark with a long list of answers.
"Renjun."
"I know. We all know. What about him?"
Mark sighs, he suddenly feels all his questions about whatever's going on between him and Renjun are suddenly put to the fore, "Is this even normal? I feel like I shouldn't look at it as if it means nothing."
Chenle smiles, as if he knows so much more than Mark does, because most of the time, he truly does. "Well, who told you it means nothing?"
"Myself? But I don't want to make it seem that this is going somewhere. Why do I feel as if we're starting over?"
"Well, you aren't just exes, you were good friends, and I know you still are. It just happened that you lost touch with each other. You can't fault Renjun for wanting to reconnect with you and you can't fault yourself for wanting the same thing." Chenle looks at him knowingly, as if he can see through him because among all their friends, it was Chenle who was there to see him when he was hurting the most because of being unable to fix his relationship with Renjun.
"Do you think it would be different this time?"
"I think only you can answer that. And I think it depends on what you want. Do you even know what you want?"
"Renjun. I want Renjun."
"That much is obvious, what do you want with him?"
"Everything? All the things that we couldn't get right before?"
"There you go," Chenle says smugly, as if it that was easy, as if knowing what he wants is as easy as getting it. But he knows it's an important step, to know what he actually wants and to no longer resist wanting it, and of course, to do something about it.
He thanks the universe for Chenle, for somehow being able to say things he really doesn't want to articulate, much more admit to himself. He feels that if he says them out loud, he'd also be attracting what he fears but maybe that's the thing, he shouldn't be afraid of his fears, he needs to actually confront them in order to get over them. He wants to be braver, something he always failed to be before with Renjun—he wants to change that.
---
It's been two months since Renjun came back, and Mark can say most of it is spent with the two of them together. They cover a lot of ground each time they go out—they talk about everything they could except what happened to them, why they fell apart, why when Renjun moved away, they stopped talking altogether—why they didn't promise to stay in touch.
Every time they part, it feels as if Mark is getting closer and closer to the moment he can finally name the growing feeling in his chest.
When Mark thinks of where it all went wrong, the beginning of the end, he can't easily find where to trace it back to. All he knows is they got tired, they stopped trying. Messages started getting unanswered. Calls started getting ignored and eventually, deemed unnecessary. Mark knew they still loved each other but it came to a point where love was no longer enough because they didn't know how to fight for it.
In the beginning of their relationship, Mark and Renjun loved each other more intensely than calmly that it constantly felt they needed to come up for air every once in a while. It always felt urgent, as if they were running away from something. What Mark didn't know then was that they were simply running away from an eventual end both of them can't avoid. Now that Renjun's back, now that it feels like it's possible, he wants for that end to be something they simply had to face, so this time, they can begin again and make it right.
It was a clean break, they tell their friends a week later after calling it quits, we'll be fine, we're still friends, they assure them, well it was more Renjun than Mark. It wasn't a clean break for him, he doesn't even understand what a clean break means, if it's even possible if you know that you truly loved someone, truly wanted to be together with them, and then end things with them as if everything will eventually be okay. Yes, they agreed to be friends still, but Mark knows it's different. It's impossible to be friends with Renjun still when he still wants something more, when he can't let go of the idea of them together, when he agreed to break up because that felt better than ending up ruining everything he has with Renjun. For Mark, they broke up because it felt easier just calling it off instead of trying and watching them fail.
When Renjun decided to move abroad, he told Mark it'd be great if they kept in touch but there were no promises. Mark thought that was it, that he eventually needed to move forward, he needed time for himself without thinking of Renjun. That was 4 and a half years ago, when he thought time would do its part but here he is, time doing nothing about what he feels, nothing for how he looks at Renjun, for how everything around him melts away when he's near Mark.
But it isn't always easy. Mark thinks too much. He gets way into his head that it feels like he's suffocating. So he attempts to avoid Renjun. Well, everyone. He makes sure he's settled all the work he has to do before the weekend and puts his phone on do not disturb mode. He thinks this way he can think everything through without anyone influencing how he should think. Or more like, without the thought of Renjun plaguing his mind nonstop.
It works for a few hours until it doesn't since he's woken up on a Saturday morning with a loud banging on his door. He's barely done putting on a shirt when he opens the door because the knocking won't stop. What he doesn't need right now is a noise complaint from his neighbors. With his eyes still barely open, it takes him a few seconds to register it was Renjun who was in front of him.
"Junnie?" He asks with one eye still closed; half convinced he was still dreaming because Renjun is here looking panicked and breathless, in the doorway of his apartment, probably waiting for Mark to let him in.
"I asked Hyuck where you lived. You weren't answering your phone since last night. I was worried something happened to you. I was thinking you got sick because you didn't contact me the whole day yesterday, or worse, that you hit your head while you were in the shower and that you were unconscious or something. I was truly so scared, I suddenly imagined awful things and it was just so so so bad, Mark, I couldn't lose you again." Renjun honestly looked like he was about to cry so Mark pulls him into a tight hug.
"Jun, okay, calm down, nothing's wrong, I was just in a… weird mood." He says as Renjun hugs him back and begins to sob quietly.
"Please don't do that again, please promise me." Renjun's voice is muffled against his chest and Mark could feel the other's tears against his shirt.
"Yes, yes, I promise." Mark rubs Renjun's back softly to comfort him, thinking that this is the closest they've been to each other again.
When Renjun calmed down a bit, Mark led him inside and made him sit on his sofa, he's suddenly made conscious of his appearance, aware that he looked like a mess since he just woke with his hair sticking up and shirt looking it's seen better days.
Mark offers for Renjun to have breakfast with him but Renjun ends up cooking whatever's available in his pantry and fridge, still knowing Mark can't cook for shit.
They decide to watch movies, anything they can choose from Mark's Netflix account but it simply ends up as background noise because they ended up wanting to simply talk to each other rather than pay attention to what was on. This feels familiar for Mark, he wishes it was the same for Renjun.
That's the thing about traversing well-known paths you just happened not to take for the longest time. It's like muscle memory, to be able to know what step to first take. But there are still things about Renjun he wasn't able to catch on back then, things which were probably not there yet when they were still together, things he would like to learn, if Renjun lets him.
They spend the day comfortably, they end up ordering takeout, Renjun trying to inspect Mark's numerous bookshelves and commenting that some books are actually his that the older never bothered returning to him. Mark knows that, he thought back then that he could settle with Renjun's books as material reminders of the time they had together.
"I still can't believe you cried." Mark teases Renjun, he's been at it the whole day.
"I was just worried." Renjun pouts and there's a crazy thought that pops inside of Mark's head to kiss it away but he shakes it off quickly.
"I know but were you really worried about me that much?" Mark moves closer to Renjun in his sofa and the latter lets him, learning on his shoulder.
"Yeah."
"Why?" Mark pries, wants Renjun to say something, to say more, to help him understand what all this is.
"Because it's you. Stop asking more questions. I won't answer them anymore." Renjun says and Mark takes what he can from it. Because it's him. He wants it to mean something, something more than what he knows Renjun means.
---
It doesn't become easier after that. Mark only begins to embrace the growing want inside him.
Perhaps Mark hasn't changed at all. All those years that passed without ever hearing from Renjun made Mark bottle up all the yearning inside of him. At one point, he was convinced he was over him, that he was okay with it, that he didn't want anything more again, but he was proved wrong. Seeing Renjun again made him realize he simply put his feelings on hold, and stored it somewhere safe, where no one can take it away from him, where no one can question him about it.
With Renjun, Mark feels like he's always at the precipice, as if he's always just beginning, that there's always so much of himself he wants to give. He first realized this a month after they called it quits, when he woke up in the middle of the evening wanting to cry because Renjun wasn't beside him in bed, and that he won't ever find Renjun beside him ever again. He realized it the second time two years after they broke up, he was on a date with his co-worker who was obviously into him, a date which Chenle and Jisung had to convince him to go to despite wanting to flake out of it ever since he agreed to it. He was nice, easy to talk to, but all Mark could think once it was over is that he wasn't Renjun. He realized it for the third time when he saw Renjun again, when it felt like everything around Renjun didn't matter and Mark wanted to see nobody else but him, he wanted nothing else but to see him.
It's strange to finally come to terms with the fact that you were only letting yourself believe that you were over someone, Mark thinks. It's some sort of self-preservation—a way for him to stop from further hoping for an uncertain future, especially during a time that he had no idea Renjun would eventually want him in his life again.
Mark wants to get his act together, he wants to make it right this time, he wants Renjun to get his act together too. They fell apart because they failed to say things they truly mean, ending up hurting each other by saying nothing, by not fighting for something he knows they both wanted. This is why he ends up in Renjun's apartment building, unsure if Renjun is even home but he takes his chances, he knows he needs to take all his chances.
He pulls up Renjun's contact and presses call. "Hi," Mark says breathlessly through his phone, not waiting for Renjun to reply, "Are you home, because I'm outside your apartment, can you let me in?"
"Uh, yeah, give me a minute." He drops the call and tries to calm down his nerves. He hears movement from inside the apartment and the seconds he spends waiting suddenly feel like lifetimes. The door opens to confused-looking Renjun and Mark tries hard not to just say everything he wants to right then and there.
"Hey, are you okay?" Renjun says as a way of greeting him which makes him snap out of it.
"Uh, yeah, can I come in?" Mark asks. He wonders if Renjun can see in his face why he's here—how apparent his longing is and if Renjun would make something out of it.
"Oh, yeah sure, it's kinda late, are you sure you're okay?" Renjun asks while leading Mark to his sofa, they sit down and turn to face each other.
Mark wants to say, no I'm not, I haven't stopped thinking about you, you're all I see when I close my eyes, I feel like a teenager with an infatuation, but goes with, "Yeah, I just wanted to see you."
He could see Renjun's cheeks turn red as he tries to avoid Mark's eyes.
"You shouldn't be saying things like those," Renjun says while looking down, a little smile lingering on his mouth.
"Why not?"
Renjun sighs, "Because I might want it to mean something it doesn't mean."
"Like what?"
Renjun simply looks at him, as if he's expecting that Mark already knows the answers to his own questions but he wants it to come from Renjun, he wants
"Okay, let me ask you, why do you think we broke up years ago?"
Mark suddenly feels his chest tighten, he wonders where this will go, if every bit of courage he tried to muster up will simply be futile if Renjun wants nothing to do with it.
"I don't exactly know, Jun. I think about it a lot, I try to backtrack, you know, see if I can figure out that exact moment where it all went wrong, but I can't. I just think we stopped trying altogether." Mark says, feeling he's somehow finally able to admit something he wanted to deny from himself so badly.
"I thought about you a lot when I was away, I thought time would heal whatever it was that got broken in me when we fell apart but I found myself longing even more. When I left, I thought it would be a way to forget you, to forget what I wanted to have with you."
"I tried to come back so many times. Hyuck got tired of me talking about you. It was kinda fun seeing he's the one annoyed at me for once, not the other way around." He continues, and Mark listens, and wants to tell him, they have all the time in the world for this. He knows what Renjun's point truly is, that while Mark was trying to stop himself so much from thinking of Renjun, from trying to even hope to have something with him again, Renjun was also going through the same. It amuses Mark to find out that despite everything, despite being away from each other, despite falling away from each other, there were so many things they shared.
"Why didn't you contact me?"
"Why didn't you?"
"See?" Renjun says with a chuckle, as if this is their inside joke, something only they would understand.
"We just stopped trying. We were young and dumb. It wouldn't have worked out anyway, if we weren't really interested in working on ourselves first." Renjun continues and Mark completely understands. He even thinks that they wouldn't be here, and wouldn't have to come to separate but similar realizations that they needed to fall apart in order to know how to build their way towards each other again.
"We just let each other slip away like that, huh?" Mark asks lightly, remembering how that was exactly what happened. It felt inevitable back then, like it was a long time coming, something they couldn't escape no matter what they did.
They stay quiet, silently agreeing that they did let each other slip away—a thing of both their doing and now, it's still the both of them who will be able to go past that, to make amends with themselves and with each other, to know where they went wrong and to want to do something about it.
"Can I kiss you?" Mark asks, breaking a kind of tense silence in the room. A matter of permission. A matter of recognizing and revisiting a desire that never truly went away.
"By all means." Renjun smiles, all welcoming and all giving, and Mark goes in to kiss him, softly at first and then deeply, as if making up for their lost years, only coming for air when they were already both gasping against each other's mouths. They close the distance between them, the inches feeling like the oceans separating them when they were away from each other but now they're together again.
Mark leans his forehead against Renjun's, taking in everything that's happening, trying to believe that this was finally happening,
"Do you really want to try again?" Mark whispers, voice thin, still out of breath.
"Aren't we already doing that?" Renjun laughs softly and leans in to kiss him again. That's already an answer, and that's the answer Mark wanted. He wouldn't accept anything else.
They start again slowly until it feels suddenly urgent—Renjun licking the roof inside of his mouth and Mark reaching to grab and squeeze his ass, pressing their bodies close to each other until Renjun moves to straddle him. When they feel like it's no longer enough just to have each other's mouth, Renjun leads Mark to his bedroom, Mark doesn't register properly what the room looks like, only going on to pin him down and cage him in his arms, kissing him everywhere possible.
He missed this, touching Renjun, having to feel every inch of him as if mapping all the parts of him he can reach. Mark finally knows what he wants, and he wants everything—he wants all of him, he wants to be as close to him as their bodies would allow them to be.
Mark takes his time undressing them and he can feel Renjun getting impatient as he begins palming him with his boxers still on. He groans against Renjun's neck and kisses him there, all tongue and open mouth.
With all their clothes finally off, Mark takes a minute to look at Renjun, to make sure this isn't a dream—so he kisses every inch of him as if he's going to disappear any moment now. He leaves marks on Renjun's neck, on his chest, and down to his thighs. His hard-on practically feels painful so when Renjun holds it and starts stroking it, he feels like he's about to black out from all the pent-up tension suddenly materializing into pure pleasure.
Renjun flips them over, hand still fondling him, going down slowly, kissing his chest and then his stomach until his face was in front of his dick. He begins to tongue at the head of Mark's cock languidly all the while looking at him. When Renjun finally takes him by the mouth, Mark feels like his head is about to explode. He starts slow, taking in as much of Mark as he could in every go.
He grabs a fistful of Renjun's hair and pulls on it because he feels like he's gonna go mad if he doesn't hold onto him. As Renjun bobs his head up and down faster, Mark can't help but jerk his hips upward. Renjun seems to take it as another invitation, to go deeper and take him all the way, his nose pressing close to his crotch, Mark feeling all of Renjun's mouth and throat.
It feels too good, it feels unreal—to even look at Renjun in the eye with his cock in his mouth, gagging on it—something he never imagined happening again.
"Jun, I'm gonna come if you don't stop." He says, barely a whisper, but Renjun doesn't stop, only continues to go faster, swallowing him down even more, going as deep as he could, eyes already watering but Mark knows this much about Renjun—he won't stop until Mark begs him to. Mark closes his eyes, tries to feel everything, and lets go. He comes almost violently, jerking his dick further up Renjun's throat, filling it with his cum which Renjun happily laps up, not wasting a drop of it.
Renjun moves on top of him and kisses him desperately, Mark tasting himself on the other's mouth. Renjun grinds his cock with Mark's as he continues to kiss him, both of them pressing each other's bodies to be as close to each other as possible.
When he feels like he can't wait any longer, Renjun gestures to his bedside drawer which Mark quickly opens and gets a bottle of lube from. He coats his two fingers generously with lube and teases Renjun's rim until he feels it's already too much for himself too. He inserts a finger first and then two, spreading it inside the younger and reaching as deep as he could.
He opens him up slowly, trying to reach in as deep as he can, focusing on making Renjun feel the best he can tonight "You're still so tight." Mark whispers as he continues the work the younger with his fingers.
"More, please, more." Renjun sighs against his mouth, so he adds another finger and builds a faster rhythm until he reaches the right spot, making Renjun moan shamelessly. To hear Renjun again, Mark thinks, is already enough for him to want to give him everything he could, starting with this.
"Please, Mark, I want you inside me now." Renjun almost pleads, kissing Mark messily, all tongue and teeth. He says Mark's name with intention, with desire, with yearning.
This is familiar but it feels new all the same. To know no other body the way he knows Renjun's felt like a curse for the longest time but now it feels all the more rewarding, to have memorized every dip and curve, to know where to touch and where to press deeper. It feels like revisiting places he knows by heart, it's all instinct and memory.
"I'll just get something." Mark pants in Renjun's mouth as he's about to get up and get the pack of condoms in his bag (just trying to be hopeful… and ready, he told himself days ago when he went out to get them), but Renjun easily stops him from getting them, wrapping his legs around his waist to keep him in place. He looks at Renjun, recognizes the tenderness on his face and he understands. He knows what they both want.
"I haven't been with anyone since you," Renjun says softly against his mouth. A confession and an invitation.
"Me too," Mark says back. What he doesn't say is, it's always going to be you, I know everyone else wouldn't compare, I'd rather be with no one if it's not you.
It feels electric, like his whole body is a live wire. Mark squeezes lube on his length and lines himself up at Renjun's entrance. He pushes in slowly while watching the younger's face contort in pleasure. The slide feels like nothing else, as if Mark was waiting for this the entire time he was unknowingly waiting for Renjun to be back in his arms. Renjun is warm and tight and so so so beautiful with his eyes shut and nails starting to dig at Mark's back that he's sure will leave marks.
Renjun opens his eyes to look at him and Mark doesn't wait for him to say anything more to start moving. He reaches out to kiss Renjun again as he builds a pace that's just right—not too slow and not too quick, that satisfies them both.
The temporary satisfaction doesn't last, they both want more, Renjun pulls Mark even closer to him, puts his arms around Mark's neck, and kisses him as if he's pleading for something he couldn't even put into words.
"I feel so full, you still make me feel so full," Renjun whispers and that's all it takes for Mark to pound in him as hard as he could, making him scream.
"You're so good for me, Junnie," Mark tells him as he angles his body so he reaches deeper inside Renjun, feeling his walls clench against his cock. He grabs Renjun's leaking cock and strokes him as he thrusts into him messily, feeling the warmth in his stomach grow and grow until it feels too much. The room is filled with both their moans matched with the sound of their bodies, and their limbs, coming in contact with each other.
"Inside. Please." Renjun's voice is hoarse.
Mark lets out a loud moan as he comes. It's his second orgasm for the night but it feels just as much if not more. He fills Renjun with all of him and doesn't stop pushing into him, the squelch of his cum making very obscene sounds as he continues to pull in and out of Renjun.
He doesn't stop thrusting, continues to jerk Renjun off, goes to lick a stripe at his neck, and sucks hard on it as he feels Renjun clenching tighter and tighter against him. Mark is looking at Renjun when he comes with a scream, cum spurting on both of their stomachs. Both of them couldn't care less about the neighbors, they'd try to be quiet next time, but not now. He uses Renjun's hand to wipe the cum off both their stomachs and licks it off his hand, making sure to suck all of his fingers clean while making sure that he's watching him.
He missed out on this for so long, Mark thinks, he wants to be inside Renjun all night if he could, as long as Renjun lets him, until it feels too straining to walk the next day, refractory periods be damned. It's a weekend anyway, he'd want for them to do this again and again as if having to make up for the years they couldn't, the years when it felt like they wouldn't have each other this close again. He wants to engulf Renjun with every inch of his desire for him.
Mark stays inside Renjun for some moments more until both of them feel they need to clean up. When he pulls out, he sees some cum leak out of Renjun's ass so he uses his two fingers to stuff it back inside of him, reaching knuckle-deep, making the younger flinch. Mark cleans up both of them as best as he could. He then lies beside Renjun and pulls him close to him, still not getting enough of feeling the other's bare skin and entire body against his.
"I think we have to say something now," Renjun says quietly, a smile on his face.
"Why do I have to say it first?" Mark protests jokingly, trying to tease the other.
"Because. You were the one who asked if you could kiss me."
"You said yes."
"It's always been you, Mark." He says, as if knows Mark already knows, as if he expects Mark to always know.
"I don't think I can ever stop being in love with you, Jun," Mark says simply, confidently, because there's no other way to say it. He's in love with Renjun, always has been, only pausing but never waning. It's always growing and he's learned to grow with it, eventually finding out how to let go of parts of himself that only stopped him from loving Renjun even more.
Mark presses a soft kiss to Renjun's lips. A promise. Everything they've been through culminated in a single moment: this, a starting point from where they can begin again.
"We should shower," Renjun says after a few moments, without even trying to get up, only curling up against Mark even more. But nobody moves, both too comfortable and too overwhelmed that this just happened—all the tension built up from years of yearning they thought were one-sided finally finding its release.
Mark is in a daze that he feels lightheaded, post-coital bliss does that to you, he thinks, but maybe it's also just because he can at last admit to himself that he's still very much in love with Renjun, that his feelings were always there, dormant for a time, but never fading. And now, he feels like he's finally allowed to act on it again, to show him that all of him is ready for the taking as long as Renjun is ready to.
He snaps out of it when Renjun turns to face him and cups his cheek. Then, they're kissing again, gentle at first but it doesn't take long for it to feel like they're starting something again, (in more ways than one). Before Mark knows it, a hand is around his dick with a grip enough to spark something in his gut once more. It doesn't take long for Mark to get hard again, he's too drunk in his arousal, in the presence of Renjun, and at the thought of having him like this again. Renjun pushes him down on his back so he can sit on his thighs, legs wide open so that Mark has a good view of all of him. Next thing he knows, Renjun is pouring lube on his cock and positioning himself to sink down on him.
He watches Renjun intently as he rides him while jerking himself off. They don't break eye contact, drinking in the sight of each other, both with the intention of letting everything that this speaks for itself.
When they both know they're already close, Mark angles his hips upward, meeting Renjun's each and every movement.
"Mark, together," Renjun tells him breathlessly, panting, lust thick in his voice, as he bounces up and down Mark's cock, visibly trying to keep his body upright while stroking himself even faster.
And then they're coming together, holding each other's gaze, words unnecessary for now. It's clear they're saying the same thing to each other in their heads, that yes, let's start over, let's get it right this time.
Renjun spurts cum all over Mark and Mark filling Renjun with what seems like all that's left in him tonight.
It doesn't feel enough just to wipe themselves off of the traces of their shared sweat and cum all over their bodies so they do take a shower, not without Mark insisting they go together. They take longer than they should, Mark stopping himself from bending Renjun over right then and there to go for one last round for the night but the younger tells him, they shouldn't be greedy, like he always tells them, they have all the time in the world. They can do everything they want, Mark can fuck him against every piece of furniture in his apartment until they need to replace them, Renjun's words. They still make out a lot though until Renjun finally tells him they need to get some sleep so they can do everything all over again in the morning.
Mark wakes up in Renjun's bed, body sore in many places but he feels light as if he's floating. Light is peeking through the curtains, light hitting the younger in a way that he feels affection wash over him, as if what he feels for Renjun suddenly feels almost tangible.
He slowly realizes he's hard, his length pressing against Renjun's thigh. So, he gently pulls the younger closer to him by the waist, slotting his dick in between Renjun's ass cheeks, sliding up and down slowly until Renjun starts to stir awake.
"Junnie." He whispers breathlessly, "Is this okay?"
Still half asleep and not yet fully registering what's going on Renjun nods slowly as Mark mouths the crook of his neck, pressing his ass against Mark further to feel him even more. He teases the younger's rim with his cock until he can't stop himself anymore.
The slide in is easy, considering how much they fucked the night before. Mark knows he's not going to last too long so he drives himself into Renjun deep, hard, and fast—no rhythm, just raw desire. Renjun tries to meet his every thrust, lifting one leg up so Mark can have a better angle and reach even deeper.
Maybe it wouldn't always feel this urgent, that they have to give and take from each other as much as they could. Mark tries to commit to memory the sound of their skin meeting each other, all the sounds Renjun makes, the way he holds him, and clings to him. He familiarizes himself with all of Renjun's expressions although he knows he's never really forgotten any of them because he didn't let himself, they were just hazy for the longest time but now everything's vivid again.
Mark reaches out to jerk Renjun off, to make sure he feels as good as what he feels inside him. Renjun comes first, whimpering and trembling, and Mark follows, spilling everything inside of Renjun. They don't move for a while, Mark only pulling out when he already feels boneless.
"Well, good morning," Renjun says, giggling.
"If we start early, we can take advantage of most of the day." Mark teases but he knows Renjun knows he means it. With all the distance that kept them apart for years, proximity feels everything to Mark right now—love is all proximity.
He ends up spending the entire weekend in Renjun's apartment, a third of the time with both of them naked, trying to retrace the paths they have taken in each other's bodies back when they were still together years ago. They take their time—realizing bit by bit that yes, they're finally doing this again, and of course, they would do everything it takes to get everything right this time. They both know they have time for this, that they aren't running out of it, that they still have a lot to talk about, still so much ground left to cover from when they started talking again, but Mark knows they have nothing to worry about—he's convinced they'll do better this time.
---
Their friends don't question them. They simply accept the fact of the matter—that they decided to start over. It felt like something they all expected, that Renjun coming back and the two of them seeing each other again would eventually turn into this.
Chenle looks proud of him when all of them meet up for drinks one night, Renjun leaning his body against him as he talked to everyone else in the room.
As the night wears on, Renjun leaves his side but Mark doesn't have to look far to find him. They smile at each other from across the room, as if there's something unspoken going on between them. It's a thing they do whenever they're together and have to be away from each other in the same room. They find each other's eyes and giggle to themselves as if they're keeping a secret, as if there's something only they know—and it's that they're each other's person in the world, they're in love and they know it well, and the world could go on with only the two of them knowing, and that's fine. They're fine as long as they know what all this means.
"We should've talked more back then," Renjun says, voice still a bit hoarse, both of them still naked and spent.
"We were too proud, I guess," Mark says with a laugh and that's a thing now, he's able to look back at everything and not let his regrets wash over him.
"We're talking to each other better now. I'm glad we grew up, even if we had to do it separately." Renjun's voice is soft. His tone was thoughtful. And Mark thinks the same. Until now, they're still growing and learning, but they're choosing to do it together because now, they know they can and that's what they want.
They do this a lot in random moments of their days spent together. It's as if they're retelling the story of themselves from someone else's perspective. They remember both the good and the bad. They laugh and cry about all of it that sometimes it feels like it's not about them but rather a story of two people they both know so well.
But that's the thing with starting again with Renjun, whatever they were before, no matter how familiar, feels different altogether. Somehow, it's a way for them to truly realize that they've managed to grow past their mistakes and that now, they're able to look back without resentment or pain, only gratitude that despite everything, they're here now.
"If you aren't happy with something, you should do something about it," Renjun says one night while he was in bed with Mark. Renjun spends more nights at Mark's than at his own apartment nowadays. Mark isn't complaining, Renjun knows the code to his apartment, and right now, there's a spare key to his bedroom lying in his bedside drawer, something he'd like to give the younger as a way of saying this space can be theirs, he would want to share this space with him, for as long as Renjun would want to.
When he was in university, Mark was set on what he wanted to do—he wanted to do so many things, he wanted to make films, he wanted to tell stories—he wanted to have stories worth telling. So when he and Renjun broke up, he suddenly felt like nothing felt important to be shared with the world anymore.
It was too late when he realized that he wasn't actively planning to grow with Renjun which is why when they were apart, Mark felt like he was stunted in so many aspects of his life. But then again, he had no choice, he had to grow up, had to endure, had to make it seem like everything is alright and everything else will fall into place even if it made him hollow every time he thought about Renjun. He tells Renjun this and he tells Mark that he understands, that he always finds himself feeling the same about everything as he does.
That's the thing about them, after all, they're so similar in so many ways. Their friends told them that they got together over their shared interests and built their relationship over shared experiences so it's both strange and amusing to think how when they were apart from each other, they were struggling all the same, longing for each other, wanting the same thing from each other.
Right now, they're both on the same page about starting over. They feel grateful that they have this chance, that they're still both similar in longing to have each other in their lives. Now, Mark wants to do good by himself while knowing Renjun isn't going away.
He wants to make better decisions now, he wants to be kinder to himself, and he wants to be able to want to do something meaningful again. He wants to be ambitious again, and this time, his ambitions include Renjun in all ways possible.
---
Maybe they were both bound to simply fall in love with the same person over and over (Mark hopes that this is the case too in all lifetimes possible). It's also true that really didn't stop being in love with each other, both of them just keeping their feelings at bay. Mark considers that the time spent without Renjun in his life felt like being lost, him wandering aimlessly, unsure of where he wanted to go or maybe he had an idea, he just simply didn't know how to get there.
Mark quietly puts the key in Renjun's hand while they were walking home one night. Renjun doesn't register at first, he turns to look at Mark with a very confused expression until he realizes with wide eyes what Mark was asking him. For Mark, it was simply a formality, his wardrobe was already filled with Renjun's clothes. He can't remember the time Renjun spent more than a day away from him in his own apartment.
He wants a home with Renjun, he imagines a future with him. It's all clear now, something he couldn't even try to imagine when they were younger.
It's still true that Renjun makes him feel careless, like nobody's watching and the world is made only for them but now he also wants to be more careful with him—to put all the care he can into how he loves him. That way, he can be tender with his desire even if on most days, it feels like it's all-consuming. He wants to love Renjun loudly and quietly. He wants the world to know but he also wants to keep parts of it to themselves—like there's still a secret he's keeping, that there's a part of his love the world is still not privy to.
There are days when Mark wants to be selfish. He wants to share the world with Renjun but he doesn't want to share him with the world. He remembers the time he felt like a stranger to Renjun, when it seemed like they wouldn't be here again, not even close and it feels strange, to have even gone through a part of his life like that.
With Renjun, Mark wants everything, even the mundane and commonplace. Even though when he looks at Renjun, everything else seems to look pale, but now he now wants to see Renjun in all ways possible—when he's the brightest and even when he's not, and everything in between.
Renjun is warmth, everything and everywhere else is cold. Mark has nowhere else to go, he doesn't want to go anywhere else after all. He wants to stay here. Mark looks at Renjun and wants to spend all of his lifetimes knowing him. He wants all his lives to be a life where Renjun is in every room he walks into, wants the world to get reduced only into rooms where it's only the two of them there.
---
then the voice in my head said WHETHER YOU LOVE WHAT YOU LOVE OR LIVE IN DIVIDED CEASELESS REVOLT AGAINST IT WHAT YOU LOVE IS YOUR FATE
- Frank Bidart, Guilty of Dust