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He wakes up to a soft voice saying, “Ludger? Ludger, can you hear me?” He opens his eyes, slowly, because it feels like he doesn’t want to, shouldn’t open his eyes, like he’s going to see something he doesn’t want to see.
But there’s just a boy – he has short, sandy hair and glasses. The boy smiles at him.
“Hello, Ludger,” the boy says.
Me? he thinks. I’m Ludger. “Hello,” Ludger replies. “Who are you?”
“I’m your big brother, Julius,” the boy – Julius – says.
Ludger nods. Big brother Julius pats Ludger’s head. There’s a little red stain on his sleeve.
“There’s been a little accident, Ludger,” Julius says, “so I’m going to take you home with me, okay?”
Ludger nods again – maybe he should tell Julius he doesn’t know where he is? But Julius is already getting up, and going over to a little chest of drawers. He takes out something shiny, and quickly puts it in his pocket, before glancing back and saying, “Come on, Ludger.”
Ludger follows. He can’t think of anything else to do.
Julius starts holding Ludger’s hand when they get near the sea. He hasn’t really spoken much at all, and he keeps walking too fast. Ludger’s tired, and worried, and there’s a weird squirmy feeling in his tummy, and Ludger’s eyes are all stingy. He has to keep running to catch up, and Julius keeps pulling – not on purpose, Ludger thinks, but like he’s never really held Ludger’s hand before.
Nothing looks familiar either, but Julius seems to know where he’s going, so Ludger doesn’t say anything. He just clutches Julius’ hand as tight as he can, and walks and walks and walks until his legs are shaking and his feet hurt and it still doesn’t seem like they’ve reached wherever they’re going.
Ludger bites his lip. The stinging in his eyes has turned into wetness, and now he can’t even see where they’re going. It’s all blurry, no matter how much he tries to blink the tears away.
He doesn’t want to cry in front of Julius though. He really, really doesn’t want to.
Finally, Julius leads Ludger onto a ship, and down to a little cramped cabin. There’s only one bed – Julius lets go of Ludger’s hand and says, “Stay here,” and then he’s gone again.
Ludger crawls onto the bed, presses his face against the soft, dry pillow, and cries until he can’t cry anymore.
When Julius comes back, he smiles and says, “Welcome back, big brother!”
They meet a man Julius calls Marvin – he looks at Ludger carefully, but he has a nice gentle face, so Ludger doesn’t hide behind Julius’ legs like he wants to.
“Yes,” Marvin says, to whatever it was Julius was asking, “I can sort you out, I’m sure.”
Julius nods, says, “Thank you,” and then says something else about names. He keeps his hand on Ludger’s shoulder. It’s warm and nice, and Ludger thinks, I love my big brother, because that’s what you’re meant to think, right? People love their big brothers, so Ludger must love Julius.
After meeting Marvin, Julius takes Ludger back to the inn. There are two beds here, so they get one each, and Julius bought Ludger some snacks so he won’t get hungry while he’s left alone.
“I’ll be back later,” Julius assures Ludger.
Ludger sits up, quietly, and waits.
It’s very dark before Julius comes back.
“This is where you’re going to live now,” Julius says. They’re in a city Ludger doesn’t know, with people he doesn’t know, but Julius had greeted a few of them by name, and Marvin had stopped by to see them and he’d given Ludger a little piece of candy, so it must be okay.
“Okay,” Ludger replies. It’s better than the inn – there’s a TV, and a big couch, and there are two bedrooms instead of just having the beds in the same room as everything else. There’s even a little kitchen and table, and Ludger feels a little excited – maybe Julius will cook now!
“I have to go to work,” Julius continues, and Ludger frowns a bit at that; Julius isn’t that much older than Ludger is. Why is he working? “But you get settled in and I’ll bring home dinner tonight.”
“Uh-huh,” Ludger agrees, because there’s nothing else to say.
At least there’s something to do here – someone’s left some books lying around, and they’re hard and Ludger doesn’t know what all the words mean but it’s something to do. He doesn’t touch the TV until his eyes hurt from reading so much, because it’s big and scary looking, and Ludger doesn’t want to break it. It might make Julius angry if he broke it, and Ludger couldn’t bear that.
It turns out okay though, because it turns on just fine. Ludger can’t seem to change the channel, so he just watches a weird little show about getting tough stains out of white clothes – and that’s when he remembers that little red mark on Julius’ coat.
It’s hung up on the back of the door still, because Julius had seen the red mark and looked- looked worried or something, and muttered, “I’ll deal with that later,” and then he’d taken his other coat instead. Ludger pokes through all the cupboards until he finds a big bottle of soap – it’s not the same one they were using on TV, but it should be okay. Maybe Ludger fills the washing machine up a little bit too much, but it would’ve been weird to only put one thing in there, and anyway, Ludger’s clothes needed a wash too.
It does get kind of cold though, waiting for the washing to be done. Ludger goes and gets a sheet off of one of the beds and wraps it around his shoulders – he feels kind of like a king dressed like this, or maybe a bride or a princess? It drags on the floor behind him, and Ludger almost trips over a few times. It gets pretty tangled up, so then Ludger feels like a cocoon, but at least he’s warm now.
When the washing finishes, Ludger puts all the clothes in the dryer, and really hopes he got the dials right or Julius is probably going to be upset.
He must doze off while the dryer’s running, because the next thing Ludger knows, he’s being scooped up into Julius’ arms. Ludger starts to protest, but then he wakes up just enough and- oh. Being held by Julius feels... really nice! Warm and safe and just nice-
“Honestly,” Julius is saying, “you should go to sleep in a bed, Ludger.”
Julius wears the coat out the next day.
They settle into a little routine; Julius goes out and works all day, while Ludger stays at home and does chores. He manages to figure out how to change the channel on the TV too, and there are a lot of channels, but mostly Ludger watches the ones that talk about doing housework because Julius never seems to do anything like that. Whenever Ludger does it instead, Julius gets a weird look on his face, but he pats Ludger’s head and says, “Thanks, Ludger,” and those two things are worth any amount of cleaning.
Julius buys Ludger some new clothes too, and hangs them up in Ludger’s wardrobe. Some of them have funny zips or hooks on, but Ludger figures out how to do them all up by himself, and Julius even says, “Well done,” for that.
It does get a bit boring living on takeaways though. Julius makes sandwiches one weekend – he usually works weekends too, but the day before he’d come home limping and muttering about someone from work being a bunch of rude words – and they’d been really horrible. Ludger had eaten his anyway, because it was food Julius made, but he must have made a face because Julius had laughed and said, “Yeah, they’re pretty terrible, huh?”
Eventually, Julius starts leaving money behind. “This way,” he says, “you can order dinner so it’ll be ready by the time I get home.”
It’s a good idea, because before Julius always had to make a detour to pick it up, or they had to wait for ages for it to be delivered. The first few times Ludger opens the door to the delivery person, they stare at him in surprise, but after a little while they all seem to remember him – they look sad when he orders from them three times a week.
“You should have a home cooked meal every so often,” one lady says.
But Julius can’t cook, Ludger doesn’t say.
Julius can’t cook, so... so Ludger will have to. It’ll be just like making the bed or doing the washing up or cleaning the floors, except at the end, there’ll be something to eat.
Ludger starts watching cooking shows on TV.
Of course, only a little while after Ludger starts trying to learn how to cook, Julius says, “I should probably take you to school, huh?”
On Ludger’s first day, he meets a girl called Nova. She pushes him in the playground and draws on him with a marker pen, and declares herself his best friend before lunchtime.
“I already have a best friend,” Ludger says, because if his big brother isn’t his best friend then who else would be?
“They can be your number two best friend,” Nova says, “like Vera’s my number two best friend.” Vera is Nova’s sister, and hasn’t spoken more than two words to her all day.
Ludger starts to mention this. “I thought Vera-”
“She’s just mad because I told Marcus about her worm thing,” Nova says, and doesn’t give Ludger a chance to ask worm thing? before saying, “she’ll have forgiven me tomorrow!”
“She will?” Ludger asks, because Vera looks pretty scary. She keeps glaring at Nova.
“Well, yeah! Vera always forgives me. Doesn’t your brother?” Nova asks.
Ludger frowns. As far as he knows, he’s never done anything to make Julius mad at him. “I don’t make Julius angry,” Ludger says.
Nova just laughs. “Are you really brothers then? All the brothers I know make each other angry. Usually by putting dirt down their clothes. Maybe you should put dirt down his clothes, and then he’ll get angry.”
“But... I wash Julius’ clothes,” Ludger says, confused. “Even if I did put dirt down his clothes, I’d just end up cleaning them again.”
Nova looks like she’s about to say something about that, but then Marcus throws a worm at Vera’s head and she shrieks and Nova takes off like a shot, and starts shoving handfuls of dirt down Marcus’ clothes, and then a teacher grabs them both and hauls them off.
Vera sits down next to Ludger. She doesn’t say anything, just sits. They both just sit until a teacher calls the end of playtime, and then utterly fails to teach Ludger anything useful about cooking.
Julius isn’t there to pick Ludger up from school, but it’s okay, because they don’t live very far away, and Ludger knows his way around a bit more these days.
“Are you sure?” his teacher asks. “I can call him – we really shouldn’t let you just wander off.”
“It’s fine,” Ludger says, “I have to get dinner anyway.”
Julius loves tomatoes. Every meal they order has tomatoes. Even his terrible sandwiches have tomatoes in them, even though they’re not enough to really make the sandwiches taste nice. Sometimes, Julius just buys a huge basket of tomatoes and slowly eats all of them – it’d been a little gross the first time Ludger saw it, because who could eat like twenty tomatoes all at once? But Julius seemed happy, and he’d smiled at Ludger afterwards, and Ludger loves Julius’ smile, so. Tomatoes.
If he was going to cook for Julius, it would be with tomatoes.
School continues to not teach anything about cooking, and most of the cooking shows Ludger was watching aren’t on after school’s finished, so Ludger has to resort to getting a cookbook. This is a little problem, because Ludger doesn’t have any of his own money, and if it’s going to be a surprise then he absolutely can’t ask Julius to buy him a cookbook.
This leaves only one option – steal some of the takeaway money.
If Julius notices that Ludger keeps ordering cheaper options, or that the change he gets back is... wrong, he doesn’t say anything. It still makes Ludger feel sick. He’s kept awake at night, terrified that Julius will come in and say, “I’m very disappointed in you, Ludger,” and then Ludger will- will die or have to run away and go and live with Nova and Vera.
But Julius doesn’t come in, and doesn’t say anything. He keeps leaving gald for takeaways, and doesn’t mention Ludger’s changing tastes at all, except for the one time Ludger orders something with eggplant and Julius wrinkles his nose and says, “Really?”
Ludger never orders eggplant after that.
It takes a long, long time for Ludger to save enough for the cookbook he wants. It’s called Tasty Tomatoes, and has over one hundred recipes, and every time they go to the bookshop Ludger has to make sure it hasn’t been sold yet.
When he finally does have enough gald, Ludger packs it all into his pockets, and carefully walks down to the shop alone. Tasty Tomatoes is still sitting on the shelf, untouched, and Ludger picks it up and carries it clutched against his chest. He has to stand on tiptoe to reach the desk – the lady behind it smiles down at him and says, “Finally saved enough, huh?”
Ludger nods solemnly, and doles out every last penny. The lady counts it up out loud, and the closer she gets to the right amount, the sicker Ludger feels. What if he counted it wrong? What if he doesn’t have enough?
But then she finally says, “And that’s seven hundred,” and puts it all in the till. “Would you like a bag?”
“Yes, please,” Ludger says, very quietly.
The lady smiles widely and puts Tasty Tomatoes into a bag and leans over the desk to hand it over. “You be careful now, sweetheart!” She waves when Ludger leaves the shop.
Ludger breathes a sigh of relief.
That first night, he stays up late to read it. There are a lot of instructions, but all of the recipes have little stars by them, and the fewer stars there are the easier it is. Part of Ludger wants to jump straight up to five stars, because surely they’re the best dishes, but the more sensible part of him says to stick with a one star, or maybe a two star.
The other problem is that all of the recipes need things Ludger doesn’t have. Getting tomatoes won’t be too much of a problem – Julius shares them sometimes, and if Ludger asks nicely he’s pretty sure he can get Julius to just leave him a few. It’s getting the other things, like pasta. Julius has never bought pasta, and the last onion they had started to grow things on it.
This means that Ludger will have to take even more money from Julius.
“It’ll be worth it,” he says. “I’ll cook Julius the best pasta ever and he’ll be happy.”
The first time there’s a thunderstorm, Ludger finds himself halfway into Julius’ bed before he even realises where his feet have taken him. Julius is still asleep – of course he’s not afraid of thunder, Julius isn’t afraid of anything – but he wakes up pretty quickly when Ludger presses himself against Julius’ chest.
“Ludger?” he asks, sleepily.
Ludger nods, and then whimpers. A crack of thunder echoes throughout the room.
“What are you doing here?” Julius asks, sitting up. Ludger grabs the blanket and pulls it down over his head. Julius turns the light on. “Ludger. Come out from under there.”
Ludger shakes his head no. There’s another crash.
Julius puts his hand on Ludger’s back. “Hey,” he says, “it’s just a little thunder. Nothing to be afraid of.”
“I’m scared,” Ludger says, anyway. He flinches when Julius pulls the blanket back, and stares up at him, blinking back tears. “Can- can I stay with you tonight?”
Julius sighs. “Okay,” he says, taking his glasses off. He turns out the light again, and settles next to Ludger. “Better?”
The thunder rings out again. Ludger tucks himself against Julius’ chest. “Uh-huh,” he whispers.
After a little while, Julius starts to hum. It’s a soft, soothing noise. The nicest sound Ludger’s ever heard, and it’s all for him.
Before he knows it, Ludger’s gone back to sleep. He doesn’t wake up again until morning.
It’s been ages since Ludger came home with Julius – Ludger’s not sure how long exactly, but his birthday’s come and gone and so has Julius’ and he’s been at school for a long time too, so it must be a long, long time – but eventually Ludger finally has enough gald saved up. He waits until the weekend, takes a little bit extra of the takeaway money just in case, and then takes his carefully written list of ingredients and walks down to the grocery store.
“Julius doing some cooking then?” the shopkeeper asks.
Ludger smiles, and asks, “Can you help me find these?”
He thinks that the shopkeeper gives him a little discount, but Ludger can’t quite be sure. A lot of people stare at him as he carries the bags home, but they smile at him. A lady asks if she can help him out but Ludger shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he tells her. “I can manage.”
Julius isn’t there when Ludger gets home, but Ludger’s expecting that – Julius has to work a lot, so Ludger doesn’t see him much, but that’s fine, because they’re brothers and he loves Julius even if he’s not around all the time.
It’s still hours until Julius should come home. Ludger unpacks all the food, puts it in the fridge, and puts on one of the cooking shows. It doesn’t help his nerves – he reads Tasty Tomatoes again, checks the recipe for pasta margherita again and again and again, until he could probably read it backwards. Ludger checks the clock. The recipe says it’ll only take twenty minutes to make, but... an hour until Julius gets home.
Ludger can’t wait anymore.
He cuts his finger while chopping the onion, and it takes ages to find the first aid kit. He nicks his fingers again while chopping the tomatoes, and burns his hand a little when he lifts the kettle – it’s very, very heavy, and hot. The water splashes out of the pot when Ludger pours it, but it’s just another injury to rub cream on.
Ludger watches the pasta cook obsessively, stirring it carefully. The steam is hot too, and stings where he’s wrapped plasters around his fingers, but it’s all worth it. It’ll all be worth it.
It’s a struggle to carry the pot over to the sink to drain the water, but Ludger manages it. He loses a bit of pasta into the sink, but most of it stays in the pot. It doesn’t look quite how it looks in the book, but. But it’ll be good. Julius will smile. Ludger chops up a few more tomatoes, because Julius loves tomatoes, and stirs it all up in the pot.
Getting it onto the plate proves just as difficult as everything else – this sure would be easier if Ludger was bigger – but Ludger manages it. A final sprinkling of cheese and then it’s ready to take over to the table. Ludger puts it in front of Julius’ seat. He didn’t make any for himself. Just enough gald to buy ingredients for one serving, and a little extra in case he made a mistake. There are still some tomatoes left over, though, so Ludger eats one of those. It does nothing to make his stomach settle down.
Any minute now, Julius will be home.
Maybe he’ll want a drink first. Oh, and Ludger should clean up the counters too. But a drink first. The glasses are in one of the high cupboards, and have always been a little hard to reach, so Ludger climbs on a chair to get one down and that’s when he hears the door slide open.
The glass slips out of Ludger’s fingers, smashing on the counter.
Julius looks around the corner, asking, “Ludger, what-” He stops when he sees everything.
Ludger smiles at him. “Julius! I made dinner!” He jumps down and hurries over to Julius’ seat, yanking it out.
Julius stares at the food like he’s never seen it before. “You... made this?” he asks.
“Uh-huh! Come try it!” Ludger says.
Julius walks over, slowly, and sits down at Ludger’s urging. When Ludger passes him his fork, he stares at Ludger’s hand. “Ludger, you... you’re hurt.”
“It’s fine, big brother! I put on plasters and cream myself.”
There’s something kind of funny about Julius’ face after Ludger says that, but he obediently takes the fork.
“You can start,” Ludger tells him, “I just have to clean up. Tell me if you like it!”
“Sure,” Julius says, distractedly, and then Ludger hurries back to the kitchen to sweep up the glass and clean the counters. Ludger’s heart is beating so hard it kind of hurts – he can hear Julius start eating behind him, and if he doesn’t like it Ludger’ll- Ludger will- he has to like it, he just has to.
“Is it okay?” Ludger asks, finally getting another glass down from the cupboard. He doesn’t drop this one, and doesn’t spill any of the water either.
Julius swallows. He keeps looking at Ludger. “It’s... it’s very good,” he says. “You... you really made this? All by yourself?”
It’s a weird question – who else would’ve made it? No-one ever visits them, and Julius has told Ludger never to let anyone in without Julius’ say so.
“Yeah! I’m really glad you like it, big brother,” Ludger says, and he is, he’s so, so glad – he feels so happy he’s surprised he’s not shaking from it, so happy he feels like jumping and shouting, and kind of like just hugging Julius really, really hard.
Julius puts down his spoon and fork. There’s still more than half the pasta left. “Come here,” he says, and he sounds... scary, but kind of sad too. Maybe he doesn’t like it. Maybe Ludger shouldn’t have made him dinner.
Ludger kind of creeps over, until he’s standing by Julius’ side. “It’s... is something wrong, Julius?”
Julius lets out a long shuddery breath, and scoops Ludger onto his lap. It’s- oh. He just wants a hug! That’s... that’s not wrong at all. He’s hugging kind of tight, and he’s pushed Ludger’s head against his shoulder, but he doesn’t protest when Ludger flings his arms around his neck, and- oh, oh, that’s Julius kissing his forehead! He’s never done that before!
“I swear to you,” Julius says, softly, like a secret, “I swear to you, Ludger, I will protect you. You will never- he’ll never know you exist. I promise this to you, Ludger, I will keep you safe if it’s the last thing I ever do.”
It’s a weird thing to say after being made pasta, but... Julius is kind of weird. And the hugging is nice, so Ludger just snuggles into Julius’ chest and says, “I love you, big brother,” and squirms when Julius hugs him tighter.