Chapter Text
Felix was slowly getting better, he could feel the confidence in him come back since the incident with his ex-friend. His friends definitely played a huge part in his healing process. They were patient with him when he was struggling, and celebrated with him when he had good days.
Whenever Jeongin sensed the slight sadness in the tone of Felix’s voice, invited him to go out and get some boba or go karaoke after school, while Seungmin would often invite him to play league when rain poured hard on an especially dark night, giving him some distraction from his mind. Jisung on the other hand would throw jokes at him or tell him a random fact when he noticed Felix’s thoughts getting led to a darker place and Hyunjin was always there for hugs and cuddles when he needed some, Felix especially liked the way he stroked his head as he nodded off, it lets him forget about everything that happened while he was embraced in Hyunjin’s arms. When Changbin noticed Felix eating less and avoiding any day outs that included food, he made sure to softly encourage him to eat by sitting with him during lunch and offering snacks, giving Felix the support he needs to get him back on track. Whereas Minho supported Felix in a more subtle way, it could be as small as spamming his phone with a bunch of cat pictures when Felix seems less active on the gc or as big as suddenly showing up at his house with all three of his cats for what Minho calls it the “cat therapy”. And Chan, he was the main reason Felix didn’t go back to crying on the cold bathroom tiles feeling sick from remembering what happened. It wasn’t necessary because Chan stopped him from crying (which he did as well), it was because he believed it’s good to cry it all out sometimes, so Felix often found himself in Chan’s arms with tears running down his face, soaking his hyung’s shirt.
And Felix appreciated all their kind words and actions, it helped him to feel more comfortable in his own skin. He wasn't completely healed, but he was on the road to recovery. He started giving out hugs to everyone again and even started trying to find a new start in his romantic life.
Felix had met a boy named Hyeonju during a house party with his family and his family friends. Hyeonju was a year younger than him at the age of 16 and he remembered being pretty close with Hyeonju when they were young but as they grew older, they barely hung out or kept in touch anymore. But seeing him all grown up to become a tall and handsome boy caught Felix’s eyes. The energetic and loud boy that Hyeonju used to be, grew up to become a caring and soft-spoken boy. He had this quiet confidence about him, and a sweet smile that made Felix's heart skip a beat.
They started talking again, and feeling the nostalgic emotions when talking with him, Felix found himself opening up to Hyeonju in a way that he hadn't with anyone else. Hyeonju was kind and understanding, and he listened to Felix without judgment. He had even opened up about the past incident, in a way to hint at him that he wasn’t interested in anything physical as of now. As they filled each other up with what happened since they last met and got to know each other better, Felix realised that he was developing feelings for Hyeonju. He had never felt this way before, not even with his previous crushes. However, he was also scared. He didn't know if he was ready for a relationship after everything he had been through.
But because Felix did want a boyfriend and also hoped that getting into a relationship will help him in recovering completely, he started to drop hints at Hyeonju. Whether it be through flirty texts or making a playlist together that only included love songs.
And with the encouragement of his friends, Felix finally worked up the courage to ask Hyeonju out on a date. Hyeonju agreed, and they decided to go on a picnic in a nearby park.
At first, everything was perfect. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and they had a beautiful view of the lake. They talked and laughed and ate the food they had brought. But as the sun started to set and the park emptied out, Hyeonju's behaviour started to change. He started getting closer and closer to Felix until he was practically on top of him. Felix felt his heart race, and not in a good way.
Then Hyeonju raised a question, “can we kiss?”
Felix actually felt relieved by this. Relieved that Hyeonju understands what consent is, and is asking for verbal permission to kiss him. So Felix had every chance to say no, tell him that he wasn’t ready yet.
But Felix was Felix, he was the type of person to not know how to say no, in a way, he was a people pleaser. He was too afraid to say no, scared that a rejection for a kiss will let all the progress he had made with Hyeonju crumble away. But he knew he wasn’t ready, he could feel himself get nauseous just at the idea of it, so he tried his best at saying no.
“I’m a bit too shy to kiss here, there’s still a lot of people around…” he said timidly
Hyeonju didn’t really get that was his way of saying no, so he persisted “Don’t worry, no one’s watching”
Felix started to feel cold sweat run down his spine, and all he could hear was his heart pounding. He didn’t know how to say no, he should just tell him that “I’m not ready”, but the words were stuck at his throat. So all he could master was to repeat “But I’m too embarrassed to kiss in the public”
And this went on for a while, Hyeonju repeatedly asking to kiss, pushing him to stop being embarrassed, telling him that no one will care.
So Felix agreed, feeling defeated. He simply said “Okay then”
Suddenly, Hyeonju grabbed Felix's face and kissed him. Felix was expecting it to be just a peck, but Hyeonju had different plans and decided to go further. The blond boy froze, feeling like he was back in his room pinned against his bed all over again. Felix could only close his hands in a fist hoping for all of this to end as soon as possible. As Hyeonju leaned back he felt a hope of it ending, but he kept on coming back for more.
And when Hyeonju finally detached his lips from Felix’s, Felix could only smile faintly as he was frozen from what happened, feeling sick to his stomach. What happened after was a blur, he knew that nothing more explicit happened, but he doesn’t really remember how he got home or how long he has been laying in bed, still with the outfit he carefully chose for the day.
Felix was devastated. He had thought that he was finally ready to move on from what had happened to him, but now he felt like he was back at square one. He couldn’t believe that he did this to himself again, why couldn’t he just say no, just tell him that he wasn’t ready to kiss? He could have avoided everything that happened today, he should have not invited him on a date, and he should have never sent those texts that might have indicated that he was interested and ready to kiss him. So he went down a rabbit hole that seems to not have an end, with an infinite amount of self-doubt and regret for all his past actions.
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For weeks, Felix suffered in silence. He couldn't shake off the feeling of disgust and violation that had taken over his body. He stopped hanging out with his friends, stopped going out to practice dance with Hyunjin and Minho and stopped caring about anything at all. He was a shell of his former self.
He often found himself coming straight back from school, not hanging out with his friends like he used to do, and going back to his bed. Feeling no energy and motivation to do anything, he didn’t go on his phone to check what his friends were doing or even play genshin like he always did.
He wanted to just fade away from the world.
Feeling that he isn’t worthy enough for love, wasn’t made to be loved. It didn’t matter how hard he tried to create a strong romantic relationship with someone, it always ended up with him losing control of everything that’s happening to him and them not listening to what he actually wanted. But Felix knew that that was all just an excuse, deep inside he knew that he brought this on to himself by not having the strength to say no, to get out of the situation while he can, because he was weak.
Felix just wanted to be heard by someone. He only wanted someone to hear his needs, but no one seemed to.
He really didn’t want to go back to his old habits of when he was overwhelmed. He recently silently celebrated being clean for 6 months. But for the past few weeks, there was this dull and heavy thought that just stayed in the back of his mind. Telling him to just get out of bed and reach for the tiny blade he kept in his drawers. The blade that he took out from a pencil sharpener when he was 14.
He couldn’t do this to himself again, he already knows all the regret that he will feel the next morning, especially when he wanted to wear a cute outfit with tiny shorts or a t-shirt.
But he couldn’t resist the urge. After all, no one listens to him, not even himself.
Holding the blade in his hand, he closed his eyes as he made one, two… three.. four… losing count of the number of lines he drew after some time.
It was on his arms and his thighs, none of them was deep. Most of them not even bleeding. But the stinging sensation brought his brain some tranquillity, peace that he desperately needed.
He lay there in bed, not even bothering to clean the wounds or anything, as he wanted to enjoy this calmness for longer. It felt refreshing, even the sound of rain hitting the window that he used to hate because it woke him up, felt like a cool breeze of wind on a boiling hot afternoon.
Felix bathed and soaked in this feeling for as long as possible, as long as he could. Until he could feel the tears stain his pillowcase and the numbing pain that he enjoyed change into a ringing pain reminding him of what he had just done.
Then he could feel those daunting thoughts come back to him in a huge wave. All he could feel was disappointment. He was ashamed of what he had done.
“Please…” he said to the darkness in his room with no one to hear him.
His tears could only pick up in speed as they ran down his cheeks, just like his breath that became fast-paced and shaky. Felix knew he needed someone right now or he will break into pieces right there on his bed with no one to hear his story.
So Felix did the only thing his brain could manage to do, and called Chan.