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She’s sat now. Tears a distant dream. The heartache’s dulled. Sniffles are far and in between. She just sits, staring at the collection of tapes in her lap. The one she has in a deadly grip, digging into her skin, leaving imprints– like the realization did to her heart.
Andrea was telling the truth. She let old feelings, an old flame, distract her from who she is. What her job is. Her title. Her rank. Who he is. What kind of man. She let her mind slip to his predatory ways; ways she knew firsthand.
After hours of self-loathing on the floor in her hallway, plotting how to confront the situation, how to confront him, Olivia aimlessly studied the other tapes. Small smiles appeared as she searched the mixes. Fleetwood Mac sharing a tape with Queen, Whitney Houston and Janet Jackson, Springsteen and Collins; her youth piled into a dusty box, tucked away to hide the painful memories but also denying her the joyful ones.
Her hand freezes when her eyes catch sight of her familiar scrawl, song title never making it to the mainstream. This City . An Olivia Benson original. Tears flooded her eyes as her mind scrambled to remember all the lyrics. A part of the chorus louder than all the others.
This city's gonna break my heart
This city's gonna love me then leave me alone
Flashback 1987
“Olivia it’s a week, you’re being dramatic. They said you ain't gotta go home, but you gotta get the hell up outta here. Unless you want to stay with the growing ant population.” Sydney, her roommate this semester urged.
“I would rather the ants pick me up, carry me to their hole, and make me their queen before I have to spend a week in Manhattan with Serena Benson.” The sophomore complained. “Two years Syd, two years. Two years I’ve avoided going back to the city with the excuse of ‘I’m just too busy with school’. It’s not like she has been calling and inviting me anyway.” Olivia rolled her eyes. “Damn near 24 months of hard work, all gone because Dylan and Jesse don’t know how to use a broom and a mop.”
“That room needs more than a broom and a mop. More like a bleach bomb.” The girls laughed. “You can come with me, the offer still stands. Spending Spring Break in the Florida Keys.”
“I don’t have money to go to the Keys, and it’s Hurricane Season. You know that right?”
“It’s Florida. It’s always Hurricane Season.” Syd deadpanned, shoving clothes into her designer suitcase. “I can call my dad. Have you a ticket before you get done packing.”
“No, it’s fine. I need to be state-side so I can write my paper for Richards’ class. They are due the Monday we come back. Make time. Don’t forget. You get another F and Daddy’s gonna cut you off.” Olivia teased her friend.
“Eh, he can try. I’ll just guilt trip him about setting his black child up for failure in this economy, ‘The system is already against us Daddy and you want to make my life harder?’ Drop a few puppy dog tears. Get’s him every time.”
“You are terrible.”
“And you’re dramatic. But I love you. Stay safe. And if all else fails, call me and I will pay for you a very expensive hotel in the city so you don’t have to stay at a roach motel. You’ve dealt with enough bugs recently and we know that’s all you can afford on your salary.”
“Haha very funny. I make amazing money at my below the minimum wage job.” Olivia jests. “I don’t need to make real money, you’re going to make me a housewife after we graduate.”
“Sweetie, I’m going to be a Sexual Violence Counselor, I’m going to make less than you as a cop. Sorry to spoil your dreams.”
“Yo Syd, get a move on! Let’s go!” A voice, laced with a Brooklyn accent, yelled from under their window. The pair rush over to it in a fit of giggles and throw it open.
“Why you yelling? You disrupting all my neighbors.” Syd threw back with an exaggerated Queens accent in her tone. Their usual banter game commencing.
“I don’t care about them, I care about making our flight. Hey Olivia.” The man, Tony, gave her a quick head nod.
“Hi, Tony.” She playfully flirted.
“You joining us on this fine family, parentless, Spring Break Vacation?”
“No, I’m gonna just head to the city.”
“That sucks, I’ve been tryna see you in a bikini since I met you.” He winked.
Olivia allowed her face to portray a moment of shock before she caught Sydney’s eye and they burst out laughing at his attempt to flirt.
“What? C’mon. That was smooth.” Tony argued.
“Yeah, like your brain. She’s gonna be a Sex Cop dumbass. I’ll be down in a minute.” Syd rolled her eyes at her brother’s idiocy.
“You know, I’ve been thinking. I don’t think that’s what I want to do with my degree. I don’t belong in a uniform. Not that one at least.”
“What? C’mon. It’s all you ever talk about. Being able to help victims find closure and move on. You got the heart, brains, and skill for it, don’t start doubting yourself as you round second.”
The girls said their final goodbyes and Sydney was on her way. Olivia plopped down on her bed with a huff, shooting up to swat at an ant on her arm. Stupid ants.
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Olivia stepped off the bus onto the littered Manhattan road. Home sweet home, I guess.
After hiding away from Serena in her bedroom for most of the day, Olivia finally set foot outside just as the sun dropped below the horizon. Guitar strapped to her back, notebook in hand, recorder slung across her shoulder, she scaled the fire escape to the roof. Her sanctuary from the hell that lie downstairs. Surrounded by the city lights, the constellations she could usually find from the rooftop of her dorm at Siena are lost in brightness; Melding together with the artificial luminescence. She takes her acoustic and fiddles mindlessly with the chords. Content to just make sounds instead of music. The soft hum of the guitar combines with the tune of New York City.
As the hours shift by, the sporadic noise turns into a melody. She strums the strings with purpose now. Lyrics ricocheting across her mind, forming sentences and verses. The chorus comes to her first.
This city's gonna break my heart
This city's gonna love me then leave me alone
This city's got me chasing stars
It's been a couple months since I felt like I'm home
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city's gonna break my heart
She's always gonna break your heart, oh
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2021
Olivia pops the new tape into the player after practically throwing the one from Burton so hard it should have shattered against the wall. The first thing she hears are the sounds of Manhattan. Focusing on willing back the tears at the nostalgia, the memories of the night this was recorded, Olivia listens with bated breath for a voice from a lifetime ago, one that hasn’t turned guilty perps to puddles with its harsh words; that hasn’t been scratched raw from sobbing at the loss of the one person who always promised to have her back, “ I’m your partner, for better or worse” ; that hasn’t screamed in agony while a sociopath tortured her body for hours; that hasn’t cracked with tears and simultaneously whispered prayers that her son be found unharmed; that didn’t whisper his name as she saw him for the first time in a decade; that hadn’t agreed to go back to his hotel room; that hadn’t– her spiraling thoughts were cut by her youthful voice.
I've been seeing lonely people in crowded rooms
Covering their old heartbreaks with new tattoos
It's all about smoke screens and cigarettes
Looking through low lights at silhouettes
But all I see is lonely people in crowded rooms
“It’s a bar Syd, everyone here is lonely. That’s why they are here.” Olivia passed her friend a shot.
“Not me, I’m here for the free drinks.” Sydney smiled before downing the shot.
“I’m so not gonna make the police academy if they find out about any of this. Supplying alcohol to someone underage? The scandal.” She teased from behind the bar before taking her own shot.
This city's gonna break my heart
This city's gonna love me then leave me alone
This city's got me chasing stars
It's been a couple months since I felt like I'm home
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city's gonna break my heart
She's always gonna break your heart, oh
Olivia followed along with the lyrics in her tattered notebook. Shock gracing her features upon seeing the newer ink scribbled in the margins. Feels like a lifetime ago her heart cried out after her partner walked out on her. The edit was her way of telling him how she felt by putting it out in the universe and hoping he heard it. She sings the secondary lyrics as her past self sings the original.
edited/addition: 10/03/2011
Oh, no, no, yeah
Monday through Friday, I don't do so well
I remember mornings when my head didn't hurt
I wanna call you but I stop myself
And I remember nights when art didn't feel like work
And you're the only one
I wanna run to, yeah
She wakes up at noon and she's out 'til three
'Cause I've been drinkin' lately so I forget
Wonderin' what this place will give me next
She leaves her perfume all over me
'Cause all I see are lonely people with broken heart, yeah
But I remember mornings when my head didn't hurt
Oh, this city's gonna break my heart (it's gonna break my heart)
This city's gonna love me then leave me alone
This city's got me chasing stars (got me chasing stars)
It's been a couple months since I felt like I'm home (oh)
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city's gonna break my heart
She's always gonna break your heart
Tears are steady now. Flowing like a river that’ll never be dammed. She’s crying for her adolescent self; for the woman she was when he abandoned her; out of frustration at her recent actions; for herself, she could never catch a break it seems.
She got a hold on me
She got me wrapped 'round her finger
She got a hold on me
She got me wrapped 'round her finger
Sobbing in her hallway, wine drunk at two in the morning. The heartache is back, vibrant and persistent. Cassettes scattered in the small space, mocking her decisions, her choices, her mistakes. She thinks back to how she felt the night she wrote this song. Desperate to foresee where her life was headed, to escape the ruins of a city she once loved. To be among the stars, queen of the moon.
This city's gonna break my heart
This city's gonna love me then leave me alone
This city's got me chasing stars
It's been a couple months since I felt like I'm home
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This city's gonna break my heart
She's always gonna break your heart
Tear struck vocal chords added a watery inflection to her voice on the tape, her harmonizing broken by her cracking voice.
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah
Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh
This city's gonna break my heart, hey
She's always gonna break your heart
The song ended and the player went quiet, still she didn’t move. Back against the wall, head looking into the nothingness of the wall across from her. She sat there, mind blank, tears falling, heart tender and slowly shedding into a million different pieces.
This city didn’t break her heart, this time she did it to herself.