Work Text:
Levi is eight and there are two things he remembers the most clearly about Eren Jaeger:
1. he likes apple juice.
2. he likes girls.
These are the things that remain constant with Eren Jaeger even until they reach high school. It’s images like these that stick out the most in his mind when he attempts to recall them. Eren, eight, in the cafeteria during recess and sneaking a flower into Sasha Blouse’s hair, stealing her apple juice shortly thereafter; Eren, eleven, waving up at Levi from his back yard, smacking juice-stained lips together, kicking his legs from where he’s sitting on the swing in the yard; Eren, fourteen, pulling Annie Leonhart into a dark corner during her birthday party and leaning down to capture her lips with his, Levi turning away quickly with a sort of pang; Eren, sixteen, his arm slung around Mikasa in the hallways, pressing a kiss to her lips before they break apart for class; Eren, seventeen, sweaty and laughing with his head thrown back in the July breeze, and this is how Levi likes to imagine Eren best: tilting a bottle of apple juice to his lips, staining his lips sticky-sweet, Adam’s apple bobbing up and down the column of his throat. Levi’s eyes following the trickle of sweat down the nape of his neck. Swallowing. Averting his gaze hurriedly.
Levi, seventeen, who realises that he’s been in love with his best friend for ever and he hadn’t even known this until now.
Eren, who likes girls.
Levi is eighteen and he has no idea how to go about his sinful obsession with Eren Jaeger.
-
Hanji notices even before himself, as she always does. They’re sitting in a cafe with a name long-forgotten after last period gym, spent running around in the light spring drizzle. Hanji is working on her college essay or something—he doesn’t quite remember. He remembers he tells her that he thinks he likes Eren. Her head snaps up. He watches with bated breath as her shock melts away into a smile, lazy and long and stretching across her face like a large, fat cat reclining.
What, he barks at her, cheeks reddening—from the cold, possibly, it had been raining and their clothes are sodden and wet.
You’ve just only realised? she asks, still smiling. I swear, you’re so dense sometimes—everyone except for you and Eren knew. Even Mikasa knows.
Mikasa—knows?
So that’s the reason she’s always been so damn bitchy towards him, then—with her ice-cold stares and threatening to beat him up if he so much as laid a finger on her precious boyfriend—well, that’s certainly understandable.
Everyone knows, she says, and her smile only gets wider from there. It’s the way you look at him, like he’s the sun and he’s blinding you with all his greatness, or something—you can’t ever shut your goddamn mouth about him once you start. We were placing bets on how long it’d take you to realise.
…who’s we? Levi says, finding his voice.
Petra and I.
Levi stares mutely, astonished for once. Hanji’s smile is serene as she drops her gaze to her laptop, fingers clattering away on the keyboard. They sit in silence for quite a while after that, Levi sipping at his tea, Hanji working on her essay. Levi speaks up again.
What then?
What then…?
What’s next? We’ve only got three months or so before graduation. What the fuck do I do about…whatever this is?
Hanji regards him for a moment, unblinkingly.
You make the most of it.
-
Sometimes, it feels as though he’s on a fast-moving train, one that won’t stop until he’s reached his final destination. He could get off, really, that is, if he wants to—he knows he could always jump off this train of doom and walk away with hands shoved into his pockets and pretend that he just doesn’t care—but part of falling in love is to enjoy the ride.
Even when your feelings aren’t reciprocated.
(There’s no use getting over him at this point in time anyways. They’ll be heading in different directions in less than three months. One of them is off to study architecture in California; the other has opted for a gap year spent abroad in Australia.
Distance does not, in fact, make the heart grow fonder.)
He wants to savour every single moment about being in love. He wants to remember the flight of his heart whenever he catches a whiff of the familiar scent, the way he wants to sniff at the air and drink his presence in. He wants to be able to pick him out effortlessly from a crowd of people. He wants him to appear unexpected, in thoughts at the most treacherous hours of the night.
Sometimes, it feels as though he’s on a fast-moving train, one that won’t stop until it’s rammed repeatedly into the brick wall at the end of the tunnel. He will never love you back. It’s unrequited love. Give up.
He has been harbouring these feelings for a long time, etched red and raw into the darkest corners of his soul.
(He doesn’t know why he hasn’t given up hope yet.)
-
Levi realises that he loves the way Eren says his name.
It slips so effortlessly past his lips on any occasion. Sometimes he’ll drag out the -vi a little longer and whinier, just to annoy Levi. What he doesn’t know is Levi secretly appreciates it, the way it tugs a little bit at his heart when he says the two-syllable name. Lee-vaii. Lee-vaiii.
Sometimes he calls Levi Lee, when he’s being playful. It’s a childhood nickname, bestowed upon him the same year they met—eight—but now Levi finds his heart jumping whenever Eren uses it in conversation.
He replays them in his head at night, again and again and again like a broken record stuck on repeat.
Levi, Eren says, walking up to him, breathless, in the middle of a crowded hallway. His smile is brighter than the sun.
For a second he can’t see anything but Eren standing, isolate in the middle of the hallway.
Say it again, Levi wants to tell him. Say my name again.
God, he’s so hopelessly in love with him and Eren doesn’t even know a flicker of a thing.
-
Eren tilts a little to the left, unsteadily, and Levi pulls him back before he can fall to the ground.
Eren’s head falls onto Levi’s left shoulder instead.
Just let me rest for a while, Levi. I’m tired, he says, letting out a sleepy, soft yawn. He burrows his head further into the gap between Levi’s head and his shoulder. Levi tries not to think about the repercussions this is having on his poor heart. It’s positively thrumming in his chest right now. He turns away to allow himself a small grin.
And for a while, he can’t move. It’s not that Eren’s head is too heavy or anything, it’s the fear that if he moves, Eren will stop leaning on him like this. So he sits still, heart in his throat, ignoring the slightly uncomfortable weight on his left shoulder, for Eren’s sake, for his—and attempts to disregard the beating in his chest.
Levi realises that if he concentrates very, very hard, he can feel the other boy’s shallow breaths, the gentle rise and fall of his chest against Levi’s a soothing motion. Levi closes his eyes and wills the fluttering in his stomach to stop, but it’s distracting him, the way he’s aware of Eren’s every breath, every move against his own body. Eren shifts slightly, humming contentedly, and Levi freezes in place, heart hammering.
Levi, Levi, Levi, Eren murmurs sleepily. Levi’s heart constricts in his chest when Eren says his name. Thrice. I don’t wanna go to Australia next year.
I thought you wanted to take the gap year with Mikasa. You’ve been planning this for two years now.
Well, I don’t. Not anymore.
They fall silent then. Levi turns his gaze to the sunset before them, a myriad of golds and purples and deep reds and roses spilling into the dusty horizon. The lone gold orb in the sky, unobscured, slowly descends to where it will rise on the other side of the world. Is that where Australia is? He doesn’t know—doesn’t wishes to know, either, so long as Eren doesn’t go to the other side of the world.
Levi looks at the slowly setting sun, then at Eren.
That’s the largest thing in the world, he says. And it’s so weird to think that, without a large seemingly yellow sphere hanging about in outer space, everyone would just perish and die.
Is it? Eren asks, lips moving against the sleeve of Levi’s shirt now.
Yeah, Levi says. He checks the time—quarter part seven. Eren’s mum’ll have their heads if he doesn’t get them back before dinner. Reluctantly, he pushes Eren’s head gently off his shoulder. Eren lets out a whine of disapproval. It’s getting late, he tells Eren.
He drags the other boy to his feet and leads him back to the car.
Eren falls sound asleep on the drive back to his house. Levi wakes him up a little after fifteen minutes, coaxing him out of the passenger seat gently. Eren’s mother watches from the window and smiles, but he doesn’t care. He makes sure that Eren’s stumbled safely into his house with the door shut behind him.
That’s the last Levi sees of Eren till prom night.
-
In his memories, senior prom is perhaps the most confusing one of them all.
Mikasa is a vision to behold, dressed in a crimson red number with a sweetheart neckline, trailing across the gymnasium floor. She towers over Levi, balancing precariously on the thin metal spikes of her scrappy silver heels. Levi glares at her from where he’s taken up a permanent spot next to the punch table with Hanji and Petra. The three of them decided to go stag to prom together this year—Petra having just broke up with Auruo, Hanji being, well, Hanji, and Levi hadn’t felt like asking any girl (why would he?). So they’re spending prom next to the punch table with drinks in hand, passing critical comments on the downright ridiculous costumes their schoolmates are in.
Mikasa looks— Levi begins, ready to make a remark, but Petra beats him to it. Absolutely gorgeous, she gushes. That dress looks amazing on her. Her admiration is only further amplified when Mikasa starts walking in their direction.
Actually, the word I was looking for was snooty, but thanks for your input, Levi mutters hastily to Petra as Mikasa approaches.
Have you seen Eren? she asks. Concern passes over her face for a moment, the first flicker of emotion he’s seen on her face all night. I’ve been trying to get him all night but he hasn’t answered any of my texts.
Sorry, nope, Levi says. He doesn’t add that he’s been looking for him too. Instead, he watches as Mikasa sighs and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, digging into her bag for her phone with jewel-encrusted fingernails. She swipes through her notifications, biting on her bottom lip.
Any news?
Mikasa shakes her head distractedly and slips her phone back into her bag, turning away from them. She walks away to join the crowd.
Petra pulls at Levi’s arm with a cheeky smile blooming across her face. It’s prom, Levi, we gotta da-a-ance, she sings, yanking him onto the dance floor, where some Rihanna song is blasting through the speakers.
Alright, alright, he grumbles, rolling his eyes, letting Petra drag him out onto the dance floor.
They dance to Turn Down For What, Treasure, and a few other songs Levi can’t remember until he spots Eren, dressed in a white shirt, black pants ensemble, cutting his way through the crowd. Levi lights up when he sees Eren. Petra laughs knowingly, but he ignores her.
Also cutting through the crowd to reach him is Mikasa.
Eren is striding towards her now, a determined look on his face. They collide in the centre of the dance floor. Levi realises that the determined look on Eren’s face is quiet anger, not quite reaching the surface until it bubbles over and spills out.
What the fuck, Mikasa? he hears Eren’s muffled yell from where he is a few feet away. How could you just throw this bombshell on me?
I’m sorry, Eren, I’m so, so, so sorry, Eren—
You don’t just spring fucking surprises on people like that!
He’s screaming now. People around him are giving him dirty looks. Mikasa points in the direction of a darkened corner. Eren nods, seething quietly, and turns around in the direction that she’s pointing in, barely giving her enough time to gather up her skirts and run.
Trouble in paradise? Petra yells to him over the music, but he’s barely paying attention, barely giving her a quick glance before he pushes his way through the crowd to follow them. The couple ducks behind the darkened corner, and Levi flattens himself against a nearby wall, vanishing into the shadows so he can’t be seen, but still eavesdrop on their conversation.
They’re talking in much quieter, calmer tones now. Eren has mostly cooled down.
We’ve been planning this for two whole years and a month before we leave, after all the preparations have been made and trips booked and places rented out, you decide to tell me that you’re not going after all?
I know. I’m sorry. It’s just—it didn’t feel right with me. You don’t feel right for me.
And he hears Eren’s heart break, he swears, he knows all of the effort and love and thought he’s put into making this rocky two-year relationship work—he wants to carry Eren’s pain. Lessen the burden, somehow. He hears the small sigh that escapes Eren’s mouth.
To tell you the truth, I didn’t want to go to Australia either.
…what then?
What then? That’s it, Mikasa. We’re over.
It would be a lie to say that Levi doesn’t feel any sort of elation or joy when he hears those words, or that a thrill races through his heart. He ducks his head and mentally berates himself, but there’s a smile threatening to creep onto his lips.
There’s a long beat of silence. Then, Okay.
She takes it so nonchalantly, he can’t believe—well, she did say that they weren’t cut out for each other just a moment ago.
There’s a rustle of fabric, and then Mikasa swishes past him in blur of crimson and tears, makeup smudged, holding her head up high as she stalks smartly out of the gym, probably to the bathroom where she’ll spend the next two hours sobbing in a cubicle. She doesn’t see him, thankfully.
He hears Eren’s more audible sigh and the clicking of his tongue.
Levi feels a sort of despair grow in the bottom of his stomach.
-
The next few times Levi sees Eren, they’re mostly trading passing, swift glances in the corridor. Eren looks more haggard than ever, any trace of his usual fiery spirit gone, whittled down to nothingness. Levi knows without a doubt that the main reason for his mood is his breakup with Mikasa.
I heard he’s going to Australia, Hanji tells him one day over lunch, and Levi jerks up in his seat mid-chew, frozen in motion.
Still? he says, incredulously, and Hanji looks at him over the rim of her glasses, asking, what do you mean, still?
I thought him and Mikasa were gonna go to Australia together or something.
Well, I don’t know about that. He told Armin from Biology that Australia’s still the plan.
She’s staring at him with concern, moments after they’d returned to eating in silence. He chews, swallows and glares at her, snapping, What?
How do you feel?
Sad. Maybe. I don’t know.
To be honest, he knows he’s been expecting this moment since he’d confessed to Hanji. He should have known it wouldn’t last forever, but now that the moment’s actually here for him, it feels real, too real, too fast—the world is spinning on its axis. Levi gulps. The avocado in his mouth leaves a bitter aftertaste, and he has to fight to keep it down, feeling the uncomfortable lump in his throat. He puts down the sandwich.
I’m done, he tells Hanji, getting up from the table swiftly. She eyes him with worry as he walks off to the bathroom.
Levi’s afraid that he might enjoy riding this train far, far more than he would have liked.
At the rate that he’s going, he’s going to find the impact at the very end of the tunnel much more painful. Better to get off now than to suffer the consequences at the end of the journey.
-
Graduation comes and goes. He doesn’t think much of it. There’s a lot of crying, especially from Petra and Hanji—the three of them will be going to different universities come fall. It’s all a blur in his mind, unfocused and hazy with nostalgia and a little regret mixed in. Eren doesn’t stick around to chat and leaves early after the ceremony. Levi doesn’t see him go.
He decides to ring the Jaegers’ at seven the next morning, an hour before Eren is due to leave for the airport.
The porch is shining with a fresh, shining coat of paint. Levi remembers the time before the last when him and Eren watched Mr Jaeger repaint the porch, high up in Eren’s bedroom three years ago, and before that four years ago, sprawled out on the kitchen floor giggling over some kind of comic on a summer’s afternoon.
Mrs Jaeger invites him in and he stares at the exact spot on which him and Eren had been spread out on, sticky fingers flipping through comics. It feels so long ago now. He wonders if he had liked Eren then, too.
She tells him that Eren’s in the backyard and he nods at her, stepping through the kitchen door. He finds Eren on the swing, kicking his legs back and forth with a glass bottle of juice raised to his lips. Levi tries not to stare at the way Eren’s Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he’s drinking. It’s oddly attractive that way. He raises a hand in greeting as Levi approaches.
The swing gives a small creak as Levi lowers himself onto it. Eren smiles. Hey.
Hey.
So, I’m leaving in like…less than an hour.
So I heard.
Since Mikasa left, I wasn’t even sure why I wanted to go to Australia. Like, my family and friends are back here, you know? I figure it’s a way for me to start anew.
Eren sighs and lets the hand holding the bottle drop to his side, raising his eyes to the sky. He leans back and kicks his legs, holding out the bottle to Levi.
No thanks.
‘Kay.
He gulps down what’s left of the amber liquid, pouring its contents down his throat.
Levi decides to just gun for it.
So. I think…I don’t think. I am absolutely certain, after harbouring a crush on you for the majority of the years that you’ve been my best friend, that I am utterly, completely, inexorably in love with you.
Feels the fearful thrumming in his heart increase with every second passing between them, watches as Eren stops, eyes widening. Watches as Eren puts the drink down, swallows, wipes his lips. His heart nearly stops as Eren turns towards him with confusion furrowed into his brows.
Levi…
Yeah. Yeah. I get it that you don’t like me that way. You’re Eren Jaeger, you like girls—
He doesn’t register the split second moment before Eren leans in and presses his lips to Levi’s.
Eren tastes of apples. Eren tastes of tanginess, a zesty sweetness that zips at the underside of Levi’s tongue in bursts of flavor. Eren tastes of words left unsaid as they meld together, pressing urgently into each other with a desperate, harrowing need. He’s finally in Levi’s arms, at long last, he’s tracing circles on Levi’s bare skin as they break away, eyes locked on each other.
-
Levi is eighteen and this is what he knows best about the boy staring back at him, lips swollen and face flushed with wonderment and awe—
He is in love. They are in love. And that is all there is to it.