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Jesper watches, tears trailing down his cheeks and heart beating frantically in his chest, as Inej heads off down the hill, off to say her prayers, off to pack and leave and disappear from his life just like everyone he loves inevitably does.
He returns to his previous seat, breathes a little bit deeper, tries to process and breathe and calm himself. It takes him a good ten minutes to stop the tears, the button in his hand burning hot time and time again as he tries to meld it into something that will fix his aching heart.
“Can you…”
“Oh yeah. I’ll look out for him…”
Oh Saints, Kaz probably doesn’t even know . He’s always in a foul mood anyway, but Inej vanishing without a goodbye? That’s likely to bring forth a side of Kaz that Jesper does not want to bear witness to.
It barely takes him a second, his glance following the path his sister took down the hill, to make his decision.
He ambles back up the hill, palms resting on his guns as a comfort, and eventually reaches the courtyard. It’s slowly emptying of people and animals and bodies, just as the chill of the evening Ravkan air starts to permeate the white walls of the fort.
Jesper notices Wylan loitering by the apple cart, watches him pick up one of the fruits and take a bite, chewing around the flesh of the apple as he seems to conduct a frantic and animated conversation with Nina. Jesper’s not sure what it’s about, but he overhears the words ‘Neshyenyer’ and ‘Darkling’ and ‘Nichevo’ya’ , so the pair of them must be comparing stories of the battle.
Jesper subtly wipes his eyes once more as he approaches, but he can tell Wylan immediately senses something is off; his smile must be too wide, or his eyes still too red from the tears he’d shed.
“Jesper? What’s wr…”
“Where’s Kaz?”
Wylan halts, looks affronted for a second, folds his arms in front of him as if it makes himself look tough (it doesn’t, it’s more endearing than frightening.)
“Why?” Wylan asks, at the same time Nina says: “Probably moping around somewhere…”
Jesper frowns at the pair of them. How does he explain?
“I need… he needs… Inej is leaving …”
He lets the statement hang, hopes that the two of them are smart enough to get the hint. He can’t elaborate, can’t rehash the feelings he’s trying to clamp down on lest he start crying again. (He’s supposed to be the happy one, the casual one, he can’t, won’t , change that now…)
“Oh,” Nina and Wylan both utter in understanding, and they all turn to the entrance to the courtyard together, a simultaneous hunt for a black hat and crow headed cane.
It’s Nina who spots him first and points him out, the familiar figure hidden in the corner of the yard with Nikolai; the Prince and the Thief both seemingly deep in conversation. Jesper watches Nikolai laugh, sees him reach out a hand to shake Kaz’s and then spots a bag of what he presumes is coin or Kruge being handed over. Kaz lifts the bag as if to judge if it is ample payment for what they’d been through and then nods, shakes Nikolai’s hand and walks off without further conversation.
Kaz heads into the closest door, one that Jesper recognises as one that leads to the barracks - they’d stored some of their gear there after everything had started to calm down after the fighting. He watches as Kaz disappears inside.
Jesper follows.
Jesper finds Kaz sitting on one of the benches inside the barracks, cane to his left leaning against the stone wall, and a stack of Kruge in his hand. His gloved fingers move swiftly, counting through the stack and placing it to his right when finished, reaching into the bag for another and beginning the process again. Jesper eyes his friend, takes stock of the injuries he'd endured since they'd stepped foot back in Ketterdam what seemed like a lifetime ago.
The cut on Kaz’s eyebrow is still red, the bruises across his face fading, but he knows that Kaz is most likely feeling the pain of walking and running on his leg unaided more than anything else. (There’d been a slight wince, just one, as they’d entered the chapel, but Kaz hadn’t said a word, despite his obvious discomfort.) Jesper watches for a moment, leaning against what passes as a doorframe, aware that Kaz won’t start a conversation unless absolutely necessary.
The silence drags.
“Don’t trust the great Prince Nikolai to count honestly?” Jesper eventually utters, the quiet finally too much to bear. He aims for jovial, but he’s not sure he hits it (and his aim is normally so true.)
“I don’t trust Sturmhond …” comes the reply, though Kaz still doesn’t look up. Jesper sighs, and moves towards one of the beds, sitting on the edge. He fidgets as Kaz counts, a stray button flicking though his fingers as he tries to decide what to say.
“Inej is leaving.”
“As are we all Jesper; the sooner we get out of here the better - the power vacuum in the Barrel will be…”
“No,” Jesper interrupts, an action that occurs so infrequently that Kaz actually does look up, glaring at him for the audacity.
“She’s leaving…”
He lets it hang like he did with Nina and Wylan. Kaz is so observant, surely he cannot miss the implication.
“I am aware. She intended to leave Ketterdam long before this job came up. She is free now, she can go wherever she likes.”
It’s too impersonal, too casual, too unfeeling and Jesper hates him, hates Kaz, just a little for being able to block off his heart so readily. He notices, belatedly, that Kaz doesn't even say Inej's name.
“Kaz!” Jesper says, frustration lacing his tone. ”Inej is leaving and you’re… you’re just going to let her go without saying anything?”
“Yes.”
Saints he is going to murder him, the obstinate feeling repressed idiot .
“She’s going Kaz. Going and not coming back. She… wants to find her brother, find Harij,” he says, mouth forming around the unfamiliar name; three years he’d known her and never thought to ask her brother’s name. He sweeps the rush of guilt aside, he’ll deal with it later . “She’s not coming back to Ketterdam.”
“I know Jes,” the nickname slipping past Kaz’s lips, apparently without thought. If it were any other time, any other place, Jesper would comment, but who knows how long this idiot in front of him has. “I don’t have anything to say to her.”
“Liar.”
He receives a patented ‘Kaz Brekker’ glare, but he’s used to it, used to pushing his luck, to finding those nooks and crannies of Kaz Brekker’s personality and affection and humour that he can fit into, finding spots and claiming them as his own, as his friend, his brother .
“You should...” Jesper continues, ignoring the frown that continues to deepen on Kaz’s brow, “you should at least say goodbye. Even if you don’t… elaborate… on anything else, you should at least do that.” The ‘you podge’ is implied if not spoken. Jesper carries on, path chosen, consequences be damned. "Inej said she was going to say her prayers before she left."
Kaz pauses the count in his next stack of Kruge, flexes his fingers around the notes and looks up at him. There’s a look in his eye that Jesper is unable to decipher, doesn’t really want to; it’s not his place to rake Kaz Brekker over hot coals about the feelings he may or may not have for Inej Ghafa.
“Jesper?”
“Yes Kaz?”
“Get out.”
Jesper sighs. It was worth a shot.
“Yes Kaz.”
Jesper heads back towards the courtyard, winding his way through the corridor. Just as he reaches the door to the outside, back to Nina and Wylan and some semblance of peace, he hears the familiar click of a cane heading in the direction of the chapel.
Jesper smiles.