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The first night, Laura didn't sleep. She stared at the ceiling and prayed to the divines that she would hear a window open, or a door creak, or something, something that meant Carmilla had come back.
But nothing came.
Not a sound throughout the apartment.
And the silence persisted for a week and three days. Ten days. In those ten days, Laura got seven hours of sleep. But there was no time to be tired. There was no time to be weak. So she persisted and stayed up at night and instead of laying in bed, staring at the ceiling with tears in her eyes, she spent those sleepless hours researching. Working. She only slept when her body was almost to the point of collapse. When she did sleep, it was fitful, and restless. She would wake up with pounding headaches.
But nothing compared to those first few days. When she just waited. The silence was seeping into her body and destroying her, from the inside out. Her fingers would ghost over Carmillas favorite spots on her body.
Her hip. She could feel the fleeting pressure of Carmillas lips, like butterflies.
Her neck. She could feel the points of Carmillas teeth and fangs scraping across her pulse point.
Her lips tingled. She would brush her thumb across her bottom lip, closing her eyes. Her lips throbbed with the absence of Carmillas.
When Carmilla came back, Laura's first reaction was relief. And then she felt the past weeks worth of exhaustion, and she wanted to collapse.
The first night, Laura didn't go to bed. She went downstairs when Carmilla fell asleep and watched her. And as the sun rose, she got up and crouched next to Carmilla.
i love you, i love you, i love you
Carmillas hair fell in her face and her nose twitched. Laura held her breath as she carefully tucked it behind her ear. And then she went to bed and stared at the ceiling for five hours, until the disasters and violent bright awoke for the day and Laura made it her enemy.
And she left too soon. Because minutes later, Carmilla awoke with a start and Laura's name on her lips.
The night Carmilla got hurt Laura stayed downstairs with her again. This time she sat with her knees pulled up against the chaise. Every breath Carmilla took tickled her ear, and she would not admit that the reason she didn't move was because when they slept together, the sweet nothings she would whisper tickled her ear as well. And she would not admit that she closed her eyes and sat there for hours, just taking in Carmillas presence.
She would also not admit that she did this every night for four days straight.
At twenty-four hours with no sleep, Laura was okay. She'd gone longer.
At forty-eight hours, she would spend hours in bed. Staring at the ceiling. When she closed her eyes, she would see Carmilla. Carmillas eyes. Carmillas hair. Carmillas smile.
Carmilla.
The third day, as the sun rose and Carmilla slept, there was only one thought buzzing around Lauras head.
I'm done, I think
I'm done I'm done I'm done
LaFontaine noticed something was wrong on the second day. Laura would stare at walls. Her eyes would glaze over. Sometimes she would cry, in the middle of normal conversations, and then a few seconds later, she wouldn't remember why she was crying. But LaFontaine couldn't guess why, and it frustrated them beyond belief. Perry, within all of her jumbled and crazed feelings, suspected something was wrong on the third day, mostly because of LaFontaines worried attitude. But on the fourth day, she knew something was wrong.That night, Laura sat on the floor in the living room, staring at the wall, sometimes smiling madly and laughing, sometimes crying, and LaFontaine was sitting in a chair across the room with a thinly veiled expression of terror on their face.
And then Laura got up. And she looked straight at LaFontaine, and started trembling.
"Why are you here?" she barked. LaFontaine and Perry jumped.
"You're dead. You died! I saw your body!" Laura was hyperventilating now.
"You died, and Mom lived! Where is she? Where the fuck is she?" Tears were streaming down Laura's face now, and she was screaming. She charged at LaFontaine, who was on their feet now, mumbling comfort and confusion. She grabbed their shirt and snarled in their face.
"Where is she? I know she's not dead. I can hear her. She's not dead. You're dead. Why are you here?" When LaFontaine didn't answer Laura turned to Perry in the doorway.
"He's dead! Nate died! You saw the body too! Do you know where my Mom is? Have you seen her? Is she okay?" Laura let go of LaFontaines shirt and grabbed Perrys hand roughly, holding it with both of hers. She sank to her knees, crying.
"Please, Posy, I need to see her! Why won't you take me to her?" She was screaming now, shaking. She crumpled into the floor, whimpering pleases into her knees, her hands clawing at the carpet, some of it tearing, revealing the splintery hardwood beneath it. LaFontaine ran out of the room.
Perry just stood, shocked. Vaguely, she wondered where Carmilla was.
Eventually, she sat down against the wall, keeping a close eye on Laura's sobbing form.
LaFontaine came back with a small black box. They spoke quickly and quietly to Perry.
"She needs to be sedated, or tranquilized at least. I could use animal tranquilizer but thats not really a good idea, unless there's literally no other choice. Do you think you could coax her upstairs, into bed? I think this is severe sleep deprivation."
"S- LaFontaine, she's delusional, how could I-?"
"Perry, please. I know you can do this. She needs help."
Perry looked at her best friend, and she felt a rush of something like affection-
"Yeah, okay. I'll do it." LaFontaine smiled and ran out of the room again. Perry sighed. Anything to get her mind off of.. that. She took a deep breath, looking at Laura. She seemed to have calmed down.
"Laura? Hey, Laura, come on. We gotta go upstairs."
Laura looked up, her eyes glazed.
"Why, Posy? Is Momma up there?" Her voice was so small. So vulnerable.
It broke Perry's heart. She smiled.
"It's a surprise, dum-dum. Now come on, we gotta do it fast."
Laura got to her feet with a small smile, and grabbed Perrys hand. Perry held back on her instinct to pull her hand away. Lauras hand was so small, and soft, and warm in Perrys that she could've almost forgotten that Laura wasn't just a kid.
They went up the stairs silently, and Perry realized that LaFontaine just kinda ran off. Who knows where to. She glanced at Laura, who was kicking her feet a little.
"It's a good thing you're here, Posy. Dad would've been mad if he saw that I was up this late. Where are we going, Posy?" She said, to the ground.
"Well, we're, uh, we're gonna go to bed so if Dad checks on us he doesn't know we're awake, okay? I'll come back to get you once Dad goes to sleep." Perry said, surprised. Laura's eyes lit up with the promise of rebellion. Finally, they were at the bedroom. Laura took off her shorts, and changed into a long tshirt while Perry determinedly stared the exact opposite way.
"This is Dads shirt, and I sleep in one of his shirts most nights, so he'll really believe I'm asleep when he sees it." Laura said proudly, with a toothy grin.
"Man, you're smart. Now, hurry on into bed, I think I can hear your dad pulling up!" Perry widened her eyes and dramatically peeked out of the window, tucking Laura in quickly and leaving the room, shutting the door behind her.
She went downstairs solemnly. At the foot of the stairs, she broke down and started crying.
LaFontaine was actually going somewhere in particular. They realized that Perry was going to freak out, after she got done with Laura, but... it was an emergency. They ran to their car.
Remember me
for centuries..
Mummified my teenage dreams..
No, it's nothing wrong with me..
The kids are all wrong..
But they couldn't help laughing at that.
Pulling up to the abandoned church, LaFontaine could see a glimpse of a black figure, slinking around the old cracked bells in the tower. They rushed inside.
As always, it was breathtaking. Even after years of abandonment, this church was... magnificent. The mighty organ loomed in the background, behind the altar. LaFontaines chest constricts at the sight of Jesus on the cross, and the memories it brings.
But nevermind that.
They go up the stairs hidden behind one of the panels near the wall. After flight upon flight, they reach the bells. Carmilla always loved it up here.
"Hey, Dr. Herbert West," Carmilla was seated on the ledge, reading.
"Re-Animator."
"Fast. Guess I have to go back farther. Any reason you look like you got fondled by a ghost?"
"It's Laura."
That got Carmilla out of her joking mood.
"What's wrong?" she was trying to hide the concern in her voice, LaFontaine could tell.
"I.. have no idea. But come on, you should come to the apartment. I'll explain in the car."
Carmilla followed them down the stairs silently. She was running the worst case scenarios through her head.
Not that she cared.
(She did. A whole fucking lot more than she would ever admit.)
If she was dead LaF wouldn't be this urgent.
What if Mattie came back?
Did JP lash out in hunger?
Carmilla started biting her nails in the car. LaF slapped her hand away. She glared at them.
"Okay, 1985? Really? How would I have not seen Re-Animator?"
(Ever since LaF and Carmilla started bonding, and LaF told her that they were a bit of a film buff, Carmilla was testing them, through nicknames of mad scientists.)
"Okay, unless Laura just has the shits or something, can you please tell me what the fuck is going on?"
LaFontaine clenched their jaw.
"I think Laura's going through severe sleep deprivation. I noticed it a few days ago, but I didn't realize it was sleep deprivation till today. You probably haven't noticed it, because you don't really see her much," they said quickly.
Carmilla ran through her knowledge of sleep deprivation:
It happens when you don't get enough sleep.
"Wait, its been like three days since she's slept? She hasn't slept at all for the past three days? Is that even possible?"
"Yes, yes and yes. Well, it's been at least three days. Twenty-four hours is practically mild sleep deprivation, so imagine seventy-two. Sleep deprivation comes in two kind of symptoms: mild and severe. Mild symptoms appear during mild and severe deprivation, severe only appears in severe. Obviously. Anyway, mild symptoms are the usual, tiredness, slowed thoughts, lack of hand-eye coordination, things that happen after you pull an all nighter. Severe is.. terrifying. Hallucinations. Terrible headaches. Confusion. Episodes of microsleep, which is like passing out for 5 seconds, delusions. Cognitive dysfunction, depression, clumsiness. Immune system weakness, and eventual collapse. Also increases chances of cancer and heart disease."
"Thanks for the bio lesson. How is Laura doing?" Carmilla was tearing up. She looked out the window and willed her voice to stay strong. It still sounded weak.
"She just had a pretty major delusion. She thought I was someone called Nate, and Perry was someone called Posy. And she was talking about her mom. Saying she didn't die." Carmilla tensed. LaFontaine swallowed, pulling up to the apartment.
"You know something about that, don't you?"
Carmilla didn't trust her voice anymore. She nodded.
Carmilla got out.
LaFontaine got out.
They walked inside.
Perry cried for twenty minutes. And then she got up, took a shower, changed into her pajamas and started cleaning.
When she heard the door open she ran to it and almost tackled LaFontaine into a hug. She pulled back and saw Carmilla.
"Um.. we should.. go talk about this." she said, ignoring the blush rising to her cheeks.
They went into the living room and LaFontaine described Lauras meltdown. Carmilla sat on the floor and looked at the floor, where LaFontaine said Laura collapsed and grasped and clawed at the old carpets. She was staring at the tear. Her face was unreadable. Perry explained how she got Laura to bed.
"She asleep?" Carmilla was fingering the tear now, feeling the rough wood beneath the carpet.
"About that. No. She's unresponsive. She's awake, her eyes are open and shes blinking and breathing and stuff but she won't answer me. It's like she can't hear me. I heard her saying something, but I couldn't make it out, and I didn't want her to have another meltdown, so I just shut the door and left."
Carmilla nodded.
"Where's JP?" she said as she realized his absence.
"He's exploring the cellars and the tunnels, he was bored." LaF and Perry looked at each other. Carmilla stood up.
"I'm going to go see her." Nobody said anything, and the silence followed Carmilla up the stairs and into the master bedroom. She saw Laura laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling. She was humming. Carmilla sneaked around the bed. Laura didn't notice.
"Mom, did you die?" Carmilla held her breath.
"I can't tell. Because I can hear you. You're singing, you're singing our song. But you're not here. You haven't been here for a long time. I miss you, you know that? I want you to know that. Because if you know that, maybe you'll come back. Because you haven't been here for a long time. For years. I miss you. You already know that, though." Laura sighed. Carmilla started taking off her boots.
"Why don't you talk to me? I talk and talk and talk to you but you never answer. You're just there, singing that stupid little song, our stupid little song."
Carmilla slipped off her pants.
"You know, when you left, I couldn't sleep. They gave me pills and stuff. Sometimes they worked. But other times I would just lay there and talk to you, and you would just lay there and not talk to me."
Her shirt, her bra. She silently made her way to the drawer and grabbed an old softball tshirt. She slipped it on.
"Dad put me in Krav Maga. And he taught me how to use pepper spray, bear spray and mace. He thought that if he taught me those things, I wouldn't die, like you did. Because you died. I think you died. Yeah. I think you died."
She made her way back to the bed.
"You died, and Nate died, too. Posy didn't die, because Posy was with me, and I didn't die either. Dad put me in Krav Maga and taught me how to use pepper spray and bear spray and mace. And I didn't die."
Slowly, she crawled into bed. Laura didn't notice.
"Where are you? I haven't seen you in years. Is it pretty? Are you having fun? Is Nate there? Are you in love?"
Carmilla froze.
"Because I am, Momma. But it's not all pretty here. Some of it is. A lot of it is. I have fun sometimes. Nate's not here though. He's dead. Just like you."
Carmilla, under the blankets, slowly got closer to Laura. Laura just kept humming. She didn't speak.
"Laura," Carmilla whispered, almost under her breath.
Laura closed her eyes.
"Carmilla?" she sounded so broken. She sounded so tired. So, so tired. A tear spilled from Carmillas eye.
"Yeah. I'm here." Her voice wavered. She reached forward, hesitantly. She placed her hand on Lauras stomach softly, barely applying pressure. Laura gave a small gasp, and opened her eyes. They were unfocused, and her brow scrunched, and then relaxed again, like she finally answered a tough equation.
"Carmilla," she said. She reached a hand to Carmillas face and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"You're here."
Carmilla quickly grabbed Laura's waist and threw her arm around Laura's shoulders, pulling her in. Laura's hands grasped at Carmillas back, and she buried her face in Carmillas neck.
"I'm here," she murmured into Lauras hair. She pulled back.
"I'm here," she whispered, against Lauras lips.
Laura moaned into the kiss and her hands let go of Carmillas back to tangle in her hair. Then Laura pulled back and buried her face in Carmillas neck again. And she cried, running her hands through Carmillas dark hair.
"Please don't leave," she cried softly into soft skin.
"Not like she did," Carmilla clutched her tighter, like she was a lifeline and she was going to drown. It wouldn't be false.
"Please," Laura whispered, exhaustion finally filling her.
"I won't," Carmilla whispered back.
"I am yours. I am yours."
i love you, i love you, i love you.