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Taissa had taken up whittling. When asked about it, she said it reminded her of shop class. Everyone had nodded and said they understood. When home was such a distant concept, any reminder, no matter how small, was valuable.
They had all started hobbies to stay distracted; anything to keep from ruminating too long on their predicament. Except, of course, for Misty, who thrived on the Wilderness. As for everyone else, Jackie listened to music on the Walkman, Nat made out with Travis, and Shauna mended clothes like she used to with her mom. It made them all feel a little more human. So they let Tai have her hobby as long as she kept the shavings for kindling and promised to sharpen the knives.
At first she produced small, bumpy creatures. A crudely carved bird, a chunk of pine that vaguely resembled a horse head, and, finally, a halfway decent frog. She smoothed them down with sand from the lake; picked the leaves and berries that Akilah said were inedible and used them to add color to the wood. Finally, she sealed them with melted beeswax that Misty and Lottie had harvested from an abandoned hive nearby. Then, the little critters would be displayed on the windowsill of the attic, looking out across the Trees.
Tai would use the free-time she had in between prepping food and chopping logs to carve. And when she could, Shauna would watch her. She didn’t mean to at first, but during the quiet moments sitting around the fire, her eyes would drift to Taissa’s vigorously working hands. The flickering shadows bounced off the bumps of her knuckles and the lines of her veins in a way that was almost hypnotic. Sometimes Tai would catch her staring and turn away, curling inside herself.
Shauna also watched her work at night when it was just the two of them in the attic. She pretended to sleep while keeping an eye open to see Tai sitting by the window, bathed in moonlight, brows furrowed in concentration.
On new moons, Tai brought up a candle to work by. Shauna liked these nights more because Tai would sit closer; close enough to touch. On these nights Shauna would fall asleep to the sounds of metal sliding against wood and Taissa’s short hums of satisfaction as her creation began to take shape.
She found herself observing how Tai’s skin seemed to transform at night, turning bronze in the light of the fire and stone in that of the moon; drastically different but always hard and impenetrable.
Recently, Taissa had started a new project. One she wasn’t letting anyone see. She tried to seem as though she wasn’t hiding it, but she had started turning her back to Shauna at night to keep her from seeing the item.
She understood the desire to keep a secret. She had one hell of a secret herself, but she had shared that with Taissa. What could Tai possibly be making that would be so bad? Shauna was going to find out, if only she could find where Tai hid the thing. That would have to wait until she knew Tai wouldn’t be in the attic, which might take a while. Survival in the Woods was not easy business, so, luckily, she had something to keep herself busy in the meantime.
She and Jackie were supposed to go for a walk that day. It was just another thing they did to try and stay sane.
Jackie had become more distant in the last few weeks. Shauna didn’t know why, but there was a small creeping feeling that went up her spine on the occasion she let herself ponder it. They still talked, but the conversation was light and hollow. It was as if they were strangers making small talk, not best friends destined to die together in the freezing Countryside.
When they worked together, it was always in silence. Shauna was no longer the first person Jackie turned to for her lazy after dinner chats. That honor now went to Van or Mari, or, worst of all, Misty. When they hugged goodnight, Shauna would feel a nervous, nauseating sensation. Her brain conjured scenarios in which her hardly developed fetus would break through the confines of her stomach and touch Jackie’s, alerting the other girl to its presence and somehow, its lineage.
But that didn’t happen. The child, if it could even be called that at this point, stayed firmly in her uterus. Sometimes Shauna hoped it would stay there until the end of its short life. But that thought riddled her with guilt, so she kept her mind off it as best she could.
Jackie also remained firmly in place at a metaphorical arms length away from her. Shauna didn’t know if this was a good thing or not. Even if it was ultimately for the better, that didn’t stop the small pangs of grief when they locked eyes over the fire.
It helped that Tai’s dark eyes were only a glance away. They were so much sterner and harder than Jackie’s, but they gave Shauna infinitely more comfort. Unlike Jackie who sometimes made Shauna feel like it was a privilege to be allowed into her gaze, Tai simply regarded her with a smooth, unwavering look. It made Shauna want to press close to her; to embrace her. No, not embrace. Something more, something deeper, something Shauna didn’t understand, or maybe something she was purposely trying not to.
—
The chicken-baby dream was never a pleasant one, but whenever she awoke from it, Taissa was always there. There to press her body to Shauna’s. There to whisper teasing remarks about all the different foods the baby could be. There to make Shauna laugh. There to ground her.
Tonight, however, when Shauna sprung out of sleep with the taste of poultry still on her tongue, Tai was nowhere to be found. She groped around for her warm body and found nothing but a nest of blankets. Turning her head, she saw only the empty attic. She felt cold, but she couldn’t tell if it was the drafty windows or something entirely different.
She got up as quietly as she could, so as not to wake the girls downstairs. Then, with a feeling of reckless excitement, she started her search.
There was nothing around the makeshift bed, but Shauna knew that already. She slept there every night after all. She began checking the beams of the ceiling where she had hidden her journal, but in the dark, her blind fingers found nothing but cobwebs and dust.
She went through the shelves and the small, white cabinets. She pushed aside the clutter and grime in the corners of the room only to find more clutter and grime behind it.
She resolved to give up her search for the elusive arts and crafts project and head back to bed. But as she tiptoed back to the blankets, her foot caught on something. She had to flail her arms slightly to regain balance, and the sound of her other foot quickly falling to the floor disturbed the relative silence she was trying to maintain.
Looking down, she saw what had caused her to stumble. A floorboard was out of place; one end raised out of the floor, the other shoved deeper in it. She knelt to get a closer look, peeling up the high end of the board to peer at what was underneath. She squinted, but it was far too dark to see. With a hesitant hand she reached into the floor and almost jumped when her hand made contact with an unknown object.
Her eyebrows furrowed, unsure of what the thing was. At first, it felt soft, but as her fingers explored she found that the softness was really a layer of fabric(maybe a t-shirt?) wrapped around the item. Her fingers examined it, feeling a solid material, with a vaguely cylindrical shape. She pulled at the shirt, trying to get a better feel.
She had just felt the grain of unfinished wood under her fingers when she heard the front door open downstairs.
Feeling caught, Shauna quickly pushed the plank back, wincing at the cracking sound it made, before scrambling over to the blankets to pretend to be asleep.
Before she could lay down, Taissa had climbed most of the ladder and was staring at her with an unusual expression. Looking just as much like a deer in headlights as Shauna felt.
She tried to act nonchalant, “Hey, where’ve you been?” Despite her best efforts, her voice sounded shaky.
Tai finished climbing and responded with an equally weak, “Had to pee.” Then, more confidently “What are you doing up?”
Shauna figured she’d tell what was as close to the truth as possible, “Had a bad dream.”
Tai gave a short, breathy, laugh. “What was it this time? A cheeseburger baby.”
The use of their inside joke helped alleviate the tension. Shauna relaxed her shoulders, and Tai didn’t look quite so worried. But there was still a question in the back of her mind about the god-forsaken dream. When the baby did come, would it still be human to them, or would it look like food?
—
“SHAUNA!”
Despite everything, despite where she was and what she was about to do, her first thought when she heard Taissa’s voice call her name was, that name sounds amazing when she says it.
The events that followed transpired quickly, but would remain sharp in her memory years later.
The fear on Tai’s face when they locked eyes.
Tai telling her that she wasn’t going to do this alone.
Tai’s expression going from worry to stone-faced concentration as she placed her hand on Shauna’s thigh.
The stone cracking the minute Shauna told her to stop.
And finally, the feeling of Tai’s slender body against hers, and the vibration of her throat as she whispered to Shauna, “It’s okay,” over and over again.
Later that afternoon, they were all sat around the fire. On her left, Jackie laid relaxed and confident, talking to Laura Lee. On her right, Taissa sat straight-backed and regal, staring into the flames. The chatter around them was loud enough for Shauna to feel safe leaning in to whisper in Tai’s ear.
“How did you know?”
Tai kept her expression schooled, not showing a reaction that might get someone’s attention. She leaned in as well, and Shauna felt her heartbeat pick up.
“You left your bra on the bed. It was missing the underwire.”
Shauna felt a giggle bubble in her chest, and a sly grin came across her face. “What were you doing touching my bra?”
Tai immediately shifted away from her. Fuck, definitely the wrong move. Her face remained blank. “I was trying to make sure you weren’t doing anything st–without me.”
Shauna didn’t know what it was about her comment that had pushed Taissa away, but she decided to tread more carefully. She needed to start avoiding saying the things her heart told her to, and start saying the things her brain did. Just like Tai.
However, when she risked a glance at Taissa’s face, she couldn’t help but notice that her cheeks appeared warmer in color. But that could have just been a trick of the light. Or of the Woods.
—
Tai was leaving. Shauna was staying behind and Tai was fucking leaving. She was leaving and taking Van, Mari, and Misty fucking Quigley with her, and Shauna was staying behind.
Shauna had weakly offered to go with when Tai explained her plan in detail that morning. But she had resolutely refused, citing Shauna’s pregnancy. Shauna didn’t correct her and say that she was hardly far enough along for it to make a difference. But they both knew that Shauna’s heart wasn’t in her offer. She felt like a coward, but Tai still embraced her and told her it was going to be okay. Shauna could still feel the weight of Tai’s arms around her shoulders hours after she had pulled away.
Now they were preparing to leave and all Shauna could do was watch from the attic window, feeling like she was watching a show through a screen. Like she was merely an audience member, unable to stop the characters from making decisions they would regret.
She caught sight of Tai and Van by the clotheslines. They were talking. Van looked pleading and Tai was her usual stone-faced self. The blankets and bras that hung around them fluttered in the breeze, temporarily obscuring their faces. When she could see them again, Taissa’s face had softened. She watched even closer, squinting her eyes as if that could help her hear their voices. Tai leaned towards the mirror, something glinting in her right hand. The blankets swished forward again, and when the wind pulled them back, Taissa had a lock of hair in her clenched fist. Shauna drew in a breath. She watched as the shining, metal scissors cut strand after strand, and felt a little pang in her chest every time another lock fell.
She knew why Tai was doing it, or at least she could guess. Tai had always taken pride in her hair; a pride that she now felt she had to leave behind for the sake of the group. Something the group in question would no doubt fail to appreciate. She had also halted all her whittling projects, probably to save more resources for the other girls. Shauna seemed to be the only one that noticed her abandonment of the craft, but then again she also seemed to be the only one besides Tai who cared. The little creatures that once inhabited and colored the sill were now stashed in her bag. Shauna wanted to hug her, tell her that it was okay, okay to have her indulgences. Okay to work for joy and not survival. But she knew if she did anything of the sort, Tai would push her away. Keep her at a distance like Jackie and she couldn’t let that happen.
But it didn’t really matter did it? Because Tai was leaving and Shauna was staying behind.
—
“TAISSA”
Her throat felt ragged. She and the others had been screaming for what felt like hours. Begging for the Woods to spit their friends back out. When Misty and the others had returned to the cabin without Tai and Van, Shauna felt like the world was collapsing around her, gravity felt stronger, like everything was drawing in on itself.
Her lantern didn’t burn nearly bright enough. Not bright enough to reveal where Taissa was. Not bright enough to show the world where they were.
When the flare appeared from behind the Trees, it felt like the breath one takes after coming up from underwater. Like a taste of new life.
She led the charge toward the light. She ran ahead of the other girls. Her head could hardly keep up with her feet as she rushed to see them. But she knew whatever she saw wouldn’t be comforting.
And it certainly wasn’t, when she stumbled into the clearing of trees she was created with the view of Van’s face constricted in blood soaked cloth, her eyes looked dazed, half-unconscious from the pain.
Shauna fell to her knees in front of the girls, she gripped Tai’s shoulders and tried to pull her up. But Tai held onto Van like a lifeline. She looked like a caged animal, eyes darting around for a way out. But there wasn’t one.
The voices and footsteps of the other girls approached. Without warning Shauna was yanked away from Tai and Van, she tried to reach out and grab something to keep her there but she was too late. Taissa’s eyes followed her as she was pulled away.
When she turned her head she was met with Jackie’s giant doe eyes looking at her with concern.
Jackie pulled me away
She was struck with the horrific memory of Van writhing in flames. No, she was going to be better this time. At least she was going to try.
The other girls were already helping Tai and Van stand. Shauna pushed herself away to join them. Leaving Jackie where she was standing.
The walk back was silent except for Van’s groans of pain. When they made it to the cabin they laid her down on the floor in front of the fire and unwrapped her face, revealing her gaping wounds.
It was the worst moment of Shauna’s life thus far. The sounds that came from Van’s mouth were unlike anything she’d ever heard. If she could look at anything else she might notice how Tai had not wiped the blood off her face, but she couldn’t take her eyes away from Van’s mangled face.
No one spoke, it felt like no one breathed. They had to do something but all anyone could seem to do is stare at the couple on the floor. Tai hadn’t let Van go since they were found. She gripped her like she couldn't let go.
Shauna made a decision, she was going to be there for Tai like Tai was there for her. She was going to be the leader for once. Her foot felt heavy as she took a step forward towards the girls.
Jackie’s eyes widened and she placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her. “Shauna, be careful”
There was a strange spike of anger that filled her gut. For what felt like the first time, it didn’t matter what Jackie thought, Tai and Van were her friends and at that moment that was the most important thing. She brushed Jackie’s hand away and knelt down next to Tai’s shivering form. The crackling of the fire and the painful sound of Van’s ragged breathing made an uncomfortable rhythm in the room.
She schooled her face, turned into stone, tried to be like Tai, or Jackie, or even Misty fucking Quigly. Anyone who would normally know what to do in a situation like this. With back straight and shoulders squared she spoke to her in a way that she hoped Tai would understand.
“Hey, Tai look at me, if Van is gonna live we have to stitch her up, can you help us do that?”
Tai seemed to turn stony in response to Shauna’s serious tone, she didn’t respond, but simply nodded.
Misty was already unpacking the first aid kit and Akilah had begun to sterilize the needle in the fire.
They were gonna fucking do this.
That night, Akilah summoned a bravery that they had only seen thus far from Misty. The bravery it took to hurt someone else so you could heal them. Not even Tai or Jackie had managed it. She pushed the needle in and out. Through the shrieks of agony and the writhing in pain. Tears rolled down her face and as Van screamed on, Shauna got the sense that the other girls were not only watching in fear of Van’s injuries, but also in awe of Akilah’s heart.
—
“I let the fire die down, I fell asleep
They were lying in bed together and Taissa’s voice was quiet and delicate in a way that Shauna had never heard before. It cracked and buckled like she was hardly containing the pain as she spoke. It didn’t sound as if Tai was talking to her though, but she chose to listen, in place of whatever god she knew was not.
“I must’ve been sleepwalking or something, because when I woke up I was in a fucking tree”
Shauna didn’t say anything, but her hand found itself tentatively placed on Tai’s shoulder.
“I’m the reason she went and I’m the reason she got hurt”
“No” Shauna said, more forcefully than she meant to. But she wouldn’t let Tai do this, refusing to spiral was the only thing that kept them sane. It was a skill they had all learned. Long before the crash and the Woods. Long before highschool, or the Yellowjackets. Refusing to give in was the gift they had to forge. When the world offers nothing to you, refusing to give in is the only thing you can do to keep the nothing at bay.
Taissa turned around curling inward like the vulnerability had gotten to be too much. This was the first time she had ever allowed Shauna to see this side of her. Shauna hoped it would not be the last, however she also wished that the next time she got to see Tai soften it wouldn’t be for something so traumatic, Tai weak voice squeaked out “I don’t know what’s happening to me Shauna, I’m scared to go to sleep”
Shauna leaned as close as she allowed herself, keeping her voice down she whispered “Then I’ll stay awake okay? I won’t let you go anywhere”
Before she could think better of it, Shauna pressed in close against her back. She wrapped an arm around her and wondered if Tai could feel her heart beating out of her chest. Tai gripped her hand like a lifeline and pressed back against her. She was going to keep Tai here, keep her safe. After tonight she was going to protect her like her life depended on it.
“Shhh, you’ll be fine”
—
Taissa and Van were not getting along, or at least it seemed that way. The expression on Tai's face after her outings to chop logs with Van was one that she knew well. It was the one Jackie wore whenever she and Shauna had a spat.
The heavy steps that came up the ladder that night were a clear indication of Tai’s mood. Shauna could see this even before she saw the aforementioned look on her friend’s face.
Before she can get a word in, Tai has started ranting “Lottie is going to get us fucking killed out here! And nobody is doing jack shit to keep that from happening!”
They both knew that by “nobody” Tai meant Van. She wouldn’t say that, she wasn’t ready to admit that her and Van were on the outs.
Shauna tried to stay neutral, “What happened?”
Tai stood in front of the window, arms crossed, the sunset cast a dramatic orange light across her face. Her anger seemed to fizzle out into hurt as she thought of how to respond. “Me and Van . . . We had a fight, she thinks we need to listen to Lottie, and it’s-“ she paused as her frustration caught up to her words, after a second of regaining her composure, she began again. “I’m trying to tell her that we shouldn’t get distracted by what might be and instead try to focus on what is”
Shauna pursed her lips, unsure of what Tai needed her to say. Taissa Turner was a pragmatist, always had her head on right and her eyes on the prize. She got her comfort from reality, from understanding.
“Well . . . Why do you think she’s doing it?
Tai scowled “I don’t know! she wasn’t always like this! Was she?”
Shauna shrugged “I don’t know”
“I know being here is hard and it feels fucking hopeless but we can’t fix it by sitting around and hoping for something to happen! It’s either live or die, the choice should be fucking obvious!” Her voice ended in a shout. She had angry tears gathering in the corners of her eyes. All Shauna wanted to do was hold her.
“Tai” she said “do you think it’s us who need to fix it or you ?”
She scoffs but doesn’t answer so Shauna continues.
“I know that was cheesy but I’m serious, there is no one here that would say you aren’t doing your fair share. If you want to stop and breath for second you can”
Tai looked like she was going to crumble “But I can’t” then she added quietly “I never have” she gave a shaky breath, one that sounded like the creaking of a dam about to burst. With some effort, she pushed herself from the window and walked to join Shauna on the bed.
Shauna moved to the side to make room for her and she sat down. Then all of a sudden, Taissa’s hand was holding hers. It was a staggering feeling and it made her heart race. She tried to remain calm as Tai pulled the blankets over them, not letting go of her hand.
A few minutes later, when they were both staring at the ceiling, still hand in hand, Shauna decided she would ask the question wriggling in her mind.
“Why did you stop whittling?”
Tai hummed in response, evidently more tired than she was.
“It just felt pointless”
“It made you happy” Shaun said, then huffed a laugh “and right now, I think that’s enough”
She could hear the soft pop of Tai’s lips opening and when she glanced over there was a small smile on her face.
She didn’t know what exactly it was that Taissa Turner made her feel, but she was getting dangerously close to naming it.
—
Delight.
That was the feeling that filled her chest the next day when she saw Tai chipping away at a chunk of maple. It delighted her to see the other girl taking joy for the sake of it. She didn’t know what the little thing was going to be, but she hoped that whatever it was, Tai would display it with pride.
Shauna noticed Tai slacking throughout the day. She didn’t chop as many logs as the others, or skin as much of the deer. She didn’t even lift a finger when Coach Ben told them to go get water from the lake. Shauna knew that the next day would probably be right back to business as usual but for the time being it brought her comfort to watch Tai pamper herself.
Later on Taissa's day of leisure she was napping in the cabin by the empty fireplace. Shauna came down from the attic, having had to change after her journey to the lake. She stopped upon reaching the base of the stairs, watching Tai snooze. She looked slightly softer when she slept less like jagged quartz and more like brittle soapstone.
The cabin door swung open, arousing her from her sleep. Misty all but skipped into the room and approached Tai, the two of them normally hiked out to the surrounding Wilderness about once a week to harvest the edible plants nearby. Tai winced slightly when Misty nudged her foot.
Misty’s high voice pierced the silent air. “C’mon Tai, we have work to do”
Taissa groaned, cracking her right eye open to peer up at the girl, looking as if she wanted to strangle her. Misty either didn’t notice or didn’t care. She reached to grab Tai’s and began trying to haul her up when Shauna spoke.
“Hey Misty, I can go with you!”
The younger girl looked suspicious, frowning and raising her eyebrows. Shauna thought hard to come up with a reason as to why she wanted to go.
“I wanted to ask you more about your first aid training” she knew the other girl would jump on any opportunity to be of use, so when her beady eyes lit up, Shauna simply offered her a smile. She glanced down at Tai who had already fallen back asleep and felt her body loosen, content with her decision.
—
As they walked through the Woods Misty chattered on about bird calls and amputations, seemingly unconcerned about how squeamish the latter made her companion. Despite the grim conversation topic, it was rather peaceful and the drone of unknown creatures created a sort of white noise that helped Shauna relax.
Misty wasn’t the worst company, when she wasn’t trying to impress other girls or seduce Coach Ben, she was even a little fun. Occasionally Shauna would find herself intrigued by the odd fun-fact and ask for elaboration, which Misty seemed more than happy to give. They talked quietly as they picked berries and edible leaves and the afternoon seemed to go by fast.
When they returned to camp holding their bounties aloft they were met with scattered cheers and greatful looks from the girls outside.
Coach Ben was sitting on the porch surveying the girls as they cut the deer Nat had shot that morning. His eyes widened slightly when he caught sight of them. He checked his watch, one of the only electronics that had not yet lost its life. “You guys are back early”
Misty shrugged, “It’s getting colder, not as much fruit”
That comment put an almost immediate stop to the jovial chatter among the other girls. It was getting colder, wasn't it? Soon the lake would freeze and the plants would die and they would be left with fewer and fewer options.
Shauna didn’t know how to break the tension so she just asked the question on her mind.
“Where’s Tai?”
Van, who was in the middle of flaying the deer’s flank, shifted uncomfortably. Mari, who was holding the flank still, looked thoughtful before she nodded her chin upwards towards the cabin roof.
“Think she’s in the attic”
Shauna tilted her head in thanks, attempting as best she could to avoid Van’s eyes. Unsure of what she might see in them. She handed off her bag of berries to Misty and almost ran up the stairs and into the cabin. She didn’t even acknowledge Nat and Jackie as she made her way to the ladder, her soul focus being to see Tai. She wanted to spend as much time with the girl as she could before she inevitably went back to attempting to carry the whole group on her shoulders.
It occurred to her as she was climbing the ladder that Taissa might be asleep and she should try and remain quiet if she could help it. She slowed her steps and peaked up over the attic floor.
Tai was in their bed and Shauna felt an odd, giddy feeling go through chest. The one she always felt when the thought of their bed came into her mind.
Her eyes were closed. The blankets were pulled up over her chest but despite that, she appeared to be shivering slightly. Her face was flushed, the tip of her nose a dusty pink. Her breathing was labored and small almost whining noises escaped her mouth.
Shauna was confused, maybe she was having a nightmare? She hadn’t sleepwalked since the night with Van but maybe she was still having nightmares. Or maybe she was sick, or infected. Shauna’s thoughts raced a mile a minute and she climbed up the rest of the ladder quickly, no longer worried about waking the other girl up.
As soon as her boots hit the floor Taissa’s eyes shot open in alarms
“Shauna?” She looked scared and cornered, shrinking inward as much as she could. Shauna didn’t respond, and did the only thing she could think of. She reached under the covers and pulled out Tai’s hand to check her pulse. One hand held Tai’s while the other pressed two fingers to her delicate wrist.
When she looked up at Tai’s face her expression was horrified but she didn’t pull back her hand. Her pulse was racing and as Shauna registered that fact she also realized that Tai’s fingers were wet. No, not wet. Slick.
Oh.
Holy shit.
She pulled away quickly, unsure of what to do from here. She held her offending hand to her chest. Tai’s face was redder than she had ever seen it, she looked to almost be shaking.
Shauna, having never been a situation like this, struggled for words “I am so fucking sorry, I- I- I didn’t know, I wouldn’t have-“
As Tai watched her ramble, her countenance seemed to shift from mortified and exposed to still mortified but also slightly amused. She sat up, grunting slightly as she did so. “It’s alright Shauna” she said quietly “We don’t have to make a big deal out of it”
Shauna gave an awkward laugh “Yeah, I mean it’s totally natural right? I’ve tried to do it a few times since we got here but I just can’t uh y’know?” Her face flamed, she wanted to hit herself. Why on earth had she just volunteered that information?
Tai’s eyebrows shot up her forehead at the admission. She shifted, and a small noise escaped her throat. “Yeah” she croaked “I meant it’s hard to uh . . . find the time”
This might be the strangest conversation she’s ever had, she kind of wants the earth to open and swallow her whole but she also kind of wants it not to stop. There’s something about the way Taissa is speaking to her, like she’s trying to make her feel better. As if she herself wasn’t the one who got walked in on masturbating.
Shauna laughed slightly at the absurdity of it “Well it seems like you found it” She saw Tai blush again “The time! I mean, you found the time. Hell, it’s probably gonna be the only time we get for a while” Would someone please stop her from ever speaking again?
Tai actually laughed this time. Then her face turned slightly determined, the look she got when she had a goal in mind. “We?”
Shauna decided that after this conversation she was going to sew her own mouth shut. “I didn’t mean it like- you know what I meant!”
Tai pursed her lips and sat up straight. “Well, you um, you said it yourself, it’s natural and all that. We don’t- it doesn’t have to be weird, if you wanna . . .” she paused and looked down “y’know?”
Her mouth fell open, was the other girl saying what she thought she was saying. Was Taissa really . . .
Her body was moving before her mind could catch up. She pulled off her jacket knelt to start untying her shoes, which was difficult given her shaking fingers. She heard Tai laugh and then the rustle of fabric. Shauna glanced up, she was taking off her shirt, her body was strong and elegant, all straight lines and harsh edges. Watching her made Shauna feel heavy and awkward, like she was made of rusted joints moving in unfamiliar ways.
She also stripped off her shirt, pulling it over her head, temporarily obscuring her vision. When she dropped it to the floor she saw it land next to Taissa’s bra. With hesitation she looked up to see Tai laying naked on the pillows, her lower body still covered by blankets. Her breasts were small but they fit her body well. Shauna watched transfixed as her nipples hardened in the cold. Taissa gave her a smug look.
Holy shit, they were really about to do this.
Shauna sank to her knees and crawled over to meet Tai on the pile of blankets they called a bed. Tai placed a cold hand on her neck and it sent a shock down her spine that settled just below her stomach. She was still wearing a skirt, bra, and underwear but it appeared that save for the blanket, Tai was completely nude. She somehow tore her gaze away from Tai’s breasts and looked the other girl in her eyes. They looked unsure, and that was the last thing Shauna wanted, she wanted Tai to want her.
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She heard Tai’s confused voice, “Shauna, are you al-“ before she could finish the sentence Shauna had pressed their lips together and wrapped her arms around Tai’s waist.
The sound Tai made into the kiss was almost a whimper, and it made Shauna want to press closer, so she did. She pushed herself forward and gasped slightly when her chest was flush with Taissa’s. Tai took her arm from Shauna’s shoulder and brought it down to wrap her hand around the back of her thigh. She pulled slightly, urging Shauna to mace her leg and straddle Taissa’s lap. And Shauna was nothing if not a follower of orders.
They spent a few minutes like that, just kissing. Shauna did her best not to think about what this meant, was she a lesbian? Or was it just desperation brought on by isolation in the Woods? That train of thought ceased to matter however when she bit down on Taissa’s lip and got a moan in return.
With monumental effort she broke the kiss, Tai looked up at her, her eyes glassy and aroused. It made a giddy, fiery feeling settle in Shauna’s gut. She pushed off of Tai’s lap and sat beside her. Then she reached forward and rested her fingers on the hem of the blanket.
“Can I?” She whispered, heart pounding like a drum in her ears.
Tai nodded and without hesitation Shauna pulled the blanket down.
She had no idea what she expected to see when Tai spread her legs, but it was certainly not the piece of wood that appeared to be inside her. Shauna’s eyes darted up and down, between her face and the pale wood between her thighs.
“Is this what I think it is? The carving you wouldn’t let me see?”
Taissa laughed “Maybe” she said unconvincingly “it was supposed to be for me and Van but . . .” She trailed off.
Shauna’s heart felt like it was cracking. Of course Taissa was with Van. It made so much sense, it made entirely too much sense for her not to have noticed before. She froze slightly, still kneeling between Taissa’s slim legs.
“Are you two . . ?”
Taissa looked like she would rather be having any other conversation. She sighed “I . . . don’t know”
She knew that not knowing was the one thing Taissa hated more than anything. She could make it through the most trying circumstances, as long as she knew what those circumstances were. She was off kilter when she was unsure.
But Shauna wanted to make her sure of one thing. That she cared about Tai and that she wanted to make her feel good.
So, she traced a finger down, from Tai’s collar bone, to the swell of her breast and the slope of her stomach. Then further downward until she was tracing the edge of the toy. Her hand brushed against Tai’s inner thigh, making her shiver.
With a fortifying breath, she wrapped her hand around the base and slowly pulled it out. She watched almost mesmerized as it slid out, it was slick on the surface and slightly warm from Tai’s body heat. It had subtle ribs that Shauna could practically feel between her legs, as she watched the other girl’s cunt clench down on the object.
Tai made small whining sounds as the toy finally left her. Shauna looked at her, a little unsure of what to do. Her chest was rising and falling and it was difficult for Shauna to keep her eyes on Taissa’s without them sliding down to her breasts.
“Shauna, please” her words were less spoken and more exhaled. Regardless they were enough to jumpstart Shauna into action. She positioned the toy and pushed it back in, angling it up slightly.
Something she remembered felt good when Jeff did it. She pushed the thought of him out of her mind, she didn’t want to think about him, or Jackie, or anyone else but Taissa Turner.
Tai gave a shout as the toy re entered her. Shauna repeated the motion. Another surprised noise of pleasure.
“Shauna, fuck please, please” Tai’s voice cracked on the last word. Her hips were bucking upward now, she looked more unrestrained than Shauna had ever seen her.
I made her that way, she thought. Again and again she thrust in and out. Watched in a trance as she writhed on the blankets. Tai turned her head into the pillow next to her, ostensibly to muffle her sounds.
Shauna placed the hand that wasn’t controlling the dildo on Tai’s chest, pinching roughly at one of her nipples. “Don’t do that, I wanna hear you”
Tai bucked her hips almost violently. Shauna didn’t know if it was in reaction to her words or the pinch so she decided to test it.
She caressed Taissa’s thigh affectionately but her tone when she spoke was slightly stern, “I said I want to hear you” she realized after she said it that she was definitely imitating the voice Tai used on the others to get them to listen. Hopefully the other girl wouldn’t notice.
Taissa moved her face from the pillow, looking at her with soft, desperate eyes. Then Shauna leaned down and before she could think better of it, lightly bit down on her breast. Tai inhaled sharply and her hands moved to grip Shauna’s shoulders tight.
Okay so Taissa Turner likes a bit of pain. If they did this again, and by god she hoped they would, she was definitely going to experiment with that more.
But for now she focused solely on the task at hand. She thrusted the toy in and out reveling in Tai’s attempts to keep her moans quiet. There was something about Tai being unable to contain herself at Shauna’s hands that made the heat in her stomach burn like fire. For so long Tai has remained the one in control, the one who always has to be on top of things. All day Shauna delighted in watching her let go of that and now she was almost completely unrestrained.
Shauna continued to tease her with small tastes of pain. She lightly ran her fingernails across the other girl’s tits, pinched the soft skin of her inner thighs, and finally gave a harsh slap to her flank.
It was then that Tai released Shauna’s shoulders to cover her own mouth, in an attempt to quiet the sound of her orgasm. All Shauna could do was watch as she convulsed against the blankets. Her body tensed then melted all at once, it was the most beautiful thing Shauna had ever seen.
Tai breathed heavily. Her hips bucked the last few times as she rode out the pleasure. Then they both stilled and Shauna pulled out the toy.
The room was silent, and She could hear the chatter of the girls downstairs. For some reason the awareness that they were right there the whole time, that while Shauna and Tai were doing that all their friends were just a few steps away, sent a lightning bolt up her spine. Maybe she had a few kinks to work out herself.
Taissa sat up, her soft brown eyes were wide, and they had a white hot determination behind them that Shauna recognized. She normally associated it with the other girl’s relentless, sometimes frightening ambition, but now there was something kinder in the mix.
Without warning, she sprang up and pushed Shauna to the ground. She gasped slightly as Taissa’s body pressed up against hers, her thigh slotted in between Shauna’s.
She had been aroused before, but this was unlike anything she had ever felt. The heat that surged through her body felt less like a dull warmth in her stomach and more like a blazing fire under her skin. She rutted against Taissa’s leg, Taissa hands made their way to her breasts, stroking her nipples lightly over her bra.
This was good, it was beyond good. Tai’s lips moved down to her neck, pressing tender kisses there.
“Shauna, so fucking beautiful, so pretty” her voice was soft and raspy, Shauna held her tighter.
“Hngh” was the only response she could muster.
For the next few minutes the only noise in the room was heavy breathing and the creaking of floorboards under their writhing bodies.
Taissa rucked up her skirt, sliding her fingers under the waistband of her panties, teasing her. Shauna arched up into her, feeling her orgasm swiftly approaching.
There was commotion downstairs, the other girls probably coming in for the night. But she could hardly focus on that when Taissa’s slim fingers began to stroke her clit. Her head whipped back and she felt a burst of pain when it collided with the floor. Tai paused briefly, seemingly to check if she was okay, but Shauna grabbed her wrist and tugged at it, encouraging her to keep going.
“Tai, Jesus Christ”
“C’mon Shauna, just let go” Tai pulled at the strap of bra and brought it down over her shoulder. She placed a kiss on Shauna’s breast and ran her tongue over the other girl’s nipple.
“Fuck!” She cried, much louder than she should have. She clamped a hand over her mouth in surprise. Looking up at Taissa with wide eyes. Tai didn’t stop her ministrations though, if anything she started moving faster.
The noises downstairs halted, the girls having obviously heard her yell. Natalie’s deep voice called up to them. “You alright Shauna?”
She didn’t say much at first, Tai looked down at her and raised an eyebrow as if asking well, are you?
“Yeah,” she almost gasped as Tai leaned back down to continue nipping at her breasts. “I’m fine, just stubbed my toe” she could hear Tai snicker at that and she pinched the soft flesh of her upper arm in retaliation.
Somehow the interaction had not killed the buzz of her arousal and she continued to practically hump into Taissa’s hand. Her hips moved faster and faster. She knew she was on the edge when she started whispering nonsense into Tai’s ear.
Words like “fuck” and “please” escaped her throat. Tai held her so tight it hurt. She bit down on Tai’s shoulder to keep quiet and with a final, violent jerk of her hips she came.
They both fell into each other's arms. To Shauna, the world seemed to fade around her until it was just the two of them. For a few moments there was no Wilderness, no impending doom, no baby in her womb. There was just Taissa Turner’s pliant body against hers.
Tai rested her forehead on Shauna’s shoulder. “That was . . . a lot”
Shauna squirmed slightly under her as she came back to reality. She risked a glance upward and made eye contact with the other girl.
Tai’s face looked so painfully open, her stone gaze had melted into magma. Her eyes were full of concern, and worry. A wave of disappointment hit Shauna as she processed Tai’s expression. She had wanted to alleviate that anxiety, but as she expected, it was back the moment Tai allowed herself to think.
“Was it good ‘a lot’ or bad ‘a lot’?” She asked, feeling her own anxiety creeping up her spine.
“Definitely good, but it certainly complicates things doesn’t it?” Tai sat up, shifting back to sit on the blankets, she was still completely nude, but it no longer felt like sexual nudity. It felt more like she was a model for a life drawing, like she was a piece of art.
“Does it have to?” Despite the fact that she was still partially clothed, Tai's serious manner made her feel like she was naked.
Tai focused on a spot just above Shauna’s shoulder as she spoke, looking like she was trying to solve a complicated math problem in her head. “I . . . don’t know”
Shauna crawled over to where Tai was sitting, trying to be slow and careful, like she was attempting not to scare her away.
She sat beside her and looked straight ahead, knowing that she might not be able to handle looking her in the eye. They remained together in silence for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of conversation and crackling fire beneath them.
“I know that I want you ” she said, still not looking at Tai “If you wanna be friends, I want that. If you wanna fuck around, I want that too. If you want-“ she paused and bit her lip, then soldered on “If you wanna be more than that, then well . . . I wouldn’t say no”
She flinched a little when Tai leaned over and put her head on Shauna’s shoulder. “I want you too, and I don’t really know what that means, but I know I wanna be around you Shauna. No matter what” She sat up and Shauna finally turned to face her. She nearly gasped when Tai pushed forward and connected their lips in a brief, chaste kiss.
They pulled back and simply looked at each other for a second. All Shauna could think about was what a fucking conundrum this girl was. She was acutely aware of how she carried the world on her shoulders, but seemed completely oblivious to the fact that it was crushing her. More than fucking anything, all Shauna wanted to do was take the weight from her eyes, but it seemed like she wasn’t letting it go any time soon.
Tai offered her a small smile and she returned it. Then, her face lit up and she turned back to the bed and reached under her pillow. “I have something for you!” She exclaimed. Her excitement made her look younger, it made Shauna’s smile widen.
When she pulled her hand out it was gripping a small round piece of wood. She pressed it into Shauna’s hand, looking proud.
When Shauna looked down she could help but let out a joyful laugh. The little carving was of a bunny, a rather chubby one with its ear timidly folded back on its head. She turned it in her hands to glance at the flat bottom and saw that the text “ Shauna S. ” was carved into it. Her heart fluttered.
“I love it!” She said and before Tai could react she had tackled her to the floor and placed a wet kiss on the tip of her nose. They hit the floor with a loud thunk.
Jackie’s voice rang out, “You alright up there?”
“Yeah” they called back in unison.
“Tai, you’re up there too?” Mari asked.
Tai tensed, “Uh yeah” she said, her voice wavering only slightly.
Coach Scott's voice came next. “Well both of you get down here, the food is ready”
Shauna looked down at Taissa. Taissa looked up at Shauna. After a beat of silence they both broke into laughter.
Yeah, she thought, whether Tai liked it or not, she was in Shauna’s heart for good.