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If Dazai could take himself back just a few hours ago, he would shut his phone off and bury it under the pile of clothes stacked messily in his closet. If he had just let it ring- had let it buzz all throughout the day until it ran out of battery, he wouldn’t be here, standing in front of his home of 9 years.
Atsushi’s voice sounded so soft and shaky on the other line, even the bad reception couldn’t drown out his hopeful tone as he asked Dazai whether he could come home for the break. Dazai hated himself for picking up the phone call, but he would be lying if he said that hearing his voice again didn’t release a bit of the knot coiled tight in his heart.
It was the first phone call Dazai had not rejected in months since he moved away for college. He considered telling Atsushi that he was busy, and that he had other things to do holding him up, but the small sniffle that Atsushi tried to muffle had shot a bullet straight to his chest.
There was a numbing pain that started right where he had been hit, spreading into his system in slow, corrosive waves until he found himself packing his bag, and catching the next train that would take him home. Then and only then, did he feel the dread that stood over his head like a guillotine, feeling like his neck was trapped and he can only anticipate the rapid fall of a blade.
He was going to see Atsushi.
Fuck.
Dazai hesitated to open the door, clenching, and unclenching his fists as he considered just bolting out into the street and pretend that he had never even left his dorm. But his thoughts were stopped short as the door opened, revealing a familiar head of silver hair.
“Osamu-kun!” Atsushi gasped both in disbelief and relief, voice still nasally from crying.
“…I’m home.” Dazai says, looking past Atsushi’s face as he bounces on his heels, trying so hard to ignore the bubbling set of tears now clouding Atsushi’s beautiful eyes.
“Welcome home…” Atsushi softly says before wrapping his arms around Dazai, tiptoeing slightly to do so. Dazai stiffens in his hold, not returning the hug as his brown eyes widened at the sudden gesture.
“How much have you grown…” Atsushi wonders aloud, taking in the fact that Dazai is a lot taller than him now, with wider shoulders and a more defined jaw. Hadn’t it been only months when they had last seen each other?
Dazai squeezes his eyes shut as he inhales Atsushi’s scent. Having the other so close to him was enough to send his mind reeling, unwanted thoughts trying to claw at the surface and scratch at the rational part of his brain.
Atsushi was so small against him. If Dazai would put his hand on Atsushi’s waist, he had no doubt that he could cover half of the expanse. He wonders how Atsushi would react if he pushed him against the door, pinning him by the wrists while Dazai kisses him senseless.
Dazai’s fingers flexed at the thought of grabbing the smaller man, and he had to fight the urge to grip the other by his hips, pulling him against his body until they mold inseparably. These weren’t thoughts that a son ought to have for his father.
“Atsushi, if you’re not going to let me in, I’ll go back and eat somewhere else.” Dazai’s voice was cold and empty, so were his eyes when Atsushi braved a glance to his face once he pulls out of the hug.
“Right-! I’m so sorry. Here, let me get your bag.” Atsushi tries to get Dazai’s backpack, but the other was quick to slide out of his reach, bypassing him on the door as Dazai wordlessly went upstairs to his room after taking his shoes off.
Looking down with a sigh, Atsushi makes his way to the dining table to prepare Dazai’s late lunch.
Upstairs, Dazai was not surprised to see that his bedroom was kept clean. There were no dust collecting on his bedside table, his bedsheets were freshly laundered and smelled of that same detergent Atsushi’s been using for years.
He drops the bag by the foot of his bed and lays down on top of the covers, eyes flitting towards his ceiling were Atsushi’s sloppy paint job chipped at the edges, stars and misshapen planets covering the expanse of the galaxy Atsushi had created for him.
When he was young, he had no regard for his life and how he lived. He never dreamed of having a permanent home or growing up in a loving family. He was simply existing against his own will.
Until Atsushi came to his life, picked him up from the orphanage and showed him what it was like to be a kid. Finally, Dazai had a roof over his head that did not leak, had food on his stomach whenever it growled, and had arms to crawl into when nightmares would plague him.
Those things were stuffs he never thought he would ever need. But Atsushi proved him wrong. Atsushi had worked hard to provide everything for Dazai- had went above and beyond to give him the best life he could possibly give. You see, Atsushi is Dazai’s dad.
Dazai grew up lacking nothing. Atsushi couldn’t provide him with a lavish life, but Dazai didn’t care for such trivial things. As long as he has Atsushi by his side, he was contented.
Until it wasn’t enough.
As Dazai grew up, he grew hungrier, despite the fact that Atsushi spoils him with his cooking. It was a different kind of sensation- one that makes his hands quiver with want, making his mouth water whenever he catches sight of Atsushi’s perky behind. At first, he was left bewildered by his desires, and couldn’t comprehend the greed he had felt whenever Atsushi sits close to him, or whenever he sees those dazzling purple-golden eyes softly looking at him.
He couldn’t stand it when Atsushi spends time with his friends, especially when that raven-haired prick would hog Atsushi’s time, taking him on friendly dates that Dazai knew weren’t friendly at all. But Atsushi, sweet and naïve, wouldn’t know if someone is lusting over him.
Atsushi wouldn’t know. He wouldn’t even know how much Dazai had spent stroking his cock at the thought of Atsushi’s crying face. He wouldn’t know that when Dazai figured out how his body worked, he had wished he could barge into Atsushi’s room and have his way with him, leave him gasping and breathless as Dazai takes him.
Atsushi was Dazai’s dad. On his younger years, Dazai had sought to call him that, much to Atsushi’s delight. But when the day came that Atsushi’s lewd face became the star of Dazai’s dreams, he could never bring himself to call him the same again. From then on, Atsushi was just “Atsushi” to him.
Dazai knew he broke Atsushi’s heart over and over. Getting with the wrong crowd and coming home with bandages, until he had made it a personal fashion, wearing bandages to cover a part of his eyes that always lustfully lingered on Atsushi.
He had indulged in his fantasies, especially on dark nights when there was no moon on the sky. The walls were thin enough that he could hear Atsushi’s even breaths as he slept peacefully next door, unaware of the light footsteps on the floor. Dazai would crack Atsushi’s door open, hands creeping inside his pajama pants as he jerked himself off frantically.
Atsushi was a deep sleeper, his mouth always hangs slightly open, with a bit of drool coming out. To Dazai, it was the most adorable sight, and not even the darkness could hide that image from him. Sometimes, Dazai entertains the thought of pushing the tip of his shaft in that luscious mouth- and had wanted to know how it would feel to fuck into those soft, warm lips.
But he would always be deterred by the fact that this was his dad. The person who raised him from childhood. But Dazai refuses to think of Atsushi as such. They don’t even have the same last name!
It was an endless back and forth, and as he comes into his hand, careful not to spill his load on Atsushi’s floor, he could feel the slight twinge of guilt eating at his insides. But his desires were stronger than his conscience. And sometimes- only sometimes, he would smear a bit of his spend on Atsushi’s bed. Not that far from a stray dog marking his territory.
“Osamu-kun, come down to eat!” Atsushi’s voice cuts Dazai out of his musings.
When Dazai arrives on the dining table, different crab dishes were spread on the table as if there was a feast. His heart quickens its pace at the sight of Atsushi’s homecooked meals, the enticing smell wafting over his nose as he sat down.
Atsushi stands in front of him with a smile, looking no older than the day he had shown up to change Dazai’s life forever. He still had an uneven fringe, silver hair glinting in the afternoon sun like the moon, misplaced yet oh so beautiful. His eyes were the same sunset hue. And Dazai doesn’t know if they shine because of love, or perhaps there were diamond fractals trapped inside those irises.
Dazai had been so adamant to get away from Atsushi as soon as he graduated high school, and chose a university that was far enough to keep his distance, but near enough to go home in a day if ever Atsushi would need him.
Looking at him now, standing in the glowing afternoon light while wearing the frilly apron that Dazai had gifted him years ago as a joke, made Dazai’s heart tremble with the desire to hold him close and never let go. Atsushi had never gotten rid of the apron, even as tacky as it looked. He had cherished it from the bottom of his heart, evident on the frayed edges and worn-down fabric.
This was why Dazai had chosen to run away and evade him for as long as he can. Dazai would never forgive himself if he turns the sunset into a cloudy sky. And should it rain, he doesn’t know whether he would have the strength to make it stop.
Dazai makes no other sound as he digs into the delicious food, aware of Atsushi’s gaze that never left his visage.
“Are you eating well, Osamu-kun? You haven’t been skipping breakfast, I hope. It’s bad for you. I’d appreciate it if you would grab an apple or some sandwich before going to your classes.” Atsushi seats himself across Dazai, a small smile adorning his face as he watches the younger one eat.
“Hm.” Dazai only hums and stuffs his face with crab meat, not trusting his words around Atsushi.
“Do you remember the first time I took you to this seafood restaurant? You fell in love with crabs! I had to carry you away because you wanted to live in the aquarium. Leaving your poor dad alone.” Atsushi chuckles a little, his eyes glazing slightly. Dazai can only grit his teeth, enduring the rising heat of frustration.
“You know, I really missed you. I missed Osamu-kun who would follow me around like a little duckling and would call me dad. Now, you don’t even want to hang out with me.” Atsushi says this in a joking tone, but his eyes betray the hurt and desperation he feels. Had he been a horrible parent?
“I’m no longer a child, Atsushi. You can’t expect me to be the same person all those years ago just like you hoped I would be. Time flies. People grow up.” Dazai snaps suddenly, pushing his chair as if to stand up. But Atsushi’s hands were quick to snatch Dazai’s hand, holding on to stop him.
“Osamu, I don’t know what I did wrong. You haven’t answered my messages for months. I haven’t heard from you. I was worried sick thinking about what could have happened to you!” Atsushi’s voice rises with his emotions.
“I was busy studying and had no time to spend on my phone. Didn’t you want me to study hard?” Dazai’s takes his hand back from Atsushi’s hold, his chest tightening as Atsushi flinches.
“Yes-, but couldn’t you let me know that you were alright? That’s all I ask, please.” Atsushi’s voice goes soft and airy, then he continues, “I can’t help but feel that you hate me now…”
Dazai’s eyes stayed rooted to the tabletop until he snaps his brown eyes to Atsushi’s forlorn form, alight with newfound courage.
“You wanna know why I’ve been avoiding home? Avoiding you? Why I’ve chosen to go away so I won’t be able to see you?” Dazai had a grin to his face now, but it was wrong. It didn’t reach his eye, nor did it contain the usual mischief.
Atsushi nods, preparing himself to let Dazai understand that he loves him more than his own life. And that whatever it is that Atsushi did wrong, he will find a way to right it.
“Atsushi, you’ve never been a father to me.” Dazai whispers, but the words slammed down on Atsushi like thunder.
Atsushi’s heart was split that day, laying down on the wooden floor in a bloody clump, dripping red as it flowed like a river by his feet. The tears that welled at the edges of his lids were burning a trail down his cheek, scalding him with sorrow and self-hatred. He knew it all along. He was never enough.
“It’s alright, Atsushi-kun. It’s not your fault. At least, not entirely.” Atsushi had no time to register much of Dazai’s words as the younger man rounds the table to cradle Atsushi’s face within his hands, thumbs brushing the tears one by one as his blurry face comes closer.
“You were never a father to me, cause I’ve always wanted you to be my wife.” Dazai confesses, heart in his throat at the revelation that he never imagines would happen today of all days. He watches in fascination and bated breath as Atsushi processes the words, purple-golden eyes blown wide as shock and confusion dawns on his expression.
“What- Osamu-kun? I don’t understand.” Atsushi shakes his head and lets out a broken sob, searching Dazai’s eyes for some semblance of a lie, but only finding a deep desire swirling within those depths.
“Let me have you, Atsushi-kun. I won’t be angry anymore. I won’t avoid you anymore.” Dazai coaxes, taking Atsushi by the waist and hoisting him up for an embrace.
Dazai’s arms fit perfectly around Atsushi, and he relishes in the embrace despite Atsushi’s shaking form. He coos at the older man before pressing a kiss on top of his head, tightening the hug when he feels Atsushi try to pull away.
“I don’t know why I waited so long to say this to you. But now that the secret is out, it feels so good to say them right on your pretty face.” Dazai chuckles as he holds Atsushi, putting their foreheads against each other. He smiles as Atsushi’s face scrunches up adorably, tears freely flowing as he was still in denial.
“I’ve always wanted to fuck you, and have you all to myself. I wanted you to become my little wife, not as my father!” Dazai pouts, pulling his face away to look at Atsushi better. The older man was flushed at his words, but his tears kept rolling down.
“P-please! No more! I- I don’t want to hear it.” Atsushi pleads and squirms against Dazai.
“Oh, but I’m not done yet. I see you don’t like it when I call you by your name, huh? Alright, dad. I come the hardest when I look at your pretty face while I tug on my dick.”
“Dazai Osamu!” Atsushi yells, his voice loud and clear as he manages to pull away from Dazai.
In a blink, Dazai pushes Atsushi into the floor, earning a grunt from the older man as his back collides with the hard floor. Dazai wastes no time to straddle Atsushi, trapping him beneath as he ties Atsushi’s wrists above his head with his tie.
“Ssshh, dad. This will be quick. I would like to live out one of my dreams. You want me to reach them, right? Well, I’m only following your words like a good son.” Dazai unzips his pants, hissing at the tight fit as his erection strains against its confines. The sight of Atsushi’s crying face had turned him on so much.
“P-please don’t do this!” Atsushi cries out as he catches sight of Dazai’s hard dick bobbing close to his face. He heaves as Dazai puts more weight to constrict Atsushi.
Grabbing his shaft, Dazai groans as Atsushi’s tears endlessly fell, welling on and on as his purple-golden eyes seemed to turn into liquid.
“Open up, dad. It’s time for you to taste your son’s cooking.” Prying Atsushi’s lips open, Dazai pushes the tip of his cock into Atsushi’s straining mouth, careful not to get bitten down as the man sobs beneath him, helpless as Dazai’s dick glides down his throat roughly.
“Ah- so this is how it feels like!” Dazai moans as Atsushi’s warm, wet mouth wraps around him lovingly, having no other choice but to take that hot cock in his mouth as more tears squeezed his eyes dry. Dazai bucks his hips as Atsushi’s tongue lays flat beneath his dick, unmoving as the older man chokes at the lack of air.
“Come on, Nakajima Atsushi! Move that tongue or I will bring you outside and have everyone watch while you get fucked silly!” And just like that, Atsushi tries his best to lap at Dazai’s dick that was pistoning in and out of his mouth, wrists rubbed raw as he struggles against the tie to no avail.
Cradling Atsushi’s soft jaw, Dazai fucks into his mouth even more roughly, groaning at the feel of Atsushi’s throat closing around the tip of his cock, and the way his small body trembles beneath Dazai’s towering frame.
Atsushi was really made for him. The tight fit of Dazai’s erection in Atsushi’s mouth provided the best friction. It was adorable how Atsushi couldn’t take all of Dazai in his mouth, but no matter! Dazai had all the time in the world to train him. Right now, Dazai was focused on the pleasurable feeling of having his Atsushi suck on his cock like it was his life work. Shuddering at the heat surging down his shaft, Dazai stares mesmerized at the sight of Atsushi’s swollen mouth being demolished by his angry cock, and it makes him move faster, chasing for that high that only Atsushi could give.
Dazai felt euphoric- not only in the physical sense, but his soul felt ablaze with so much power. Having Atsushi crying on the floor as his mouth wraps around Dazai’s cock was something only out of a wet dream, but now it had come alive right before his eyes. He couldn’t wait to fuck all of Atsushi’s holes one day. And it was sooner than later!
Atsushi’s face was a mess of tears, snot, and saliva, but to Dazai, it was the most erotic sight ever. Younger Dazai would not believe that this day would even come. His first hard on had been caused by Atsushi. His first burst of cum was in honor of Atsushi. Everything was Atsushi.
“Atsushi. Atsushi! Atsushi!” Dazai growls his name like a man possessed, bucking his hips wildly as he slams his dick into Atsushi’s throat repeatedly, breaching the flimsy cavern and bruising it so hard. As much as Atsushi wanted to scream, he couldn’t do so as his mouth was stuffed full of dick.
“Fuck-Take it all, you little slut!” Dazai moans as his balls tighten up, releasing a gushing load of cum streaming down Atsushi’s throat. Atsushi can only let out a muffled scream as he goes lightheaded at the pressure and the deprivation of air, his throat working hard to guzzle all of Dazai’s seed.
Pulling his soft dick out of Atsushi’s abused mouth, Dazai pants and gets off of the older man, shaking with so much pleasure.
His brown eyes turn darker at the sight of Atsushi’s absolutely wrecked face, a dribble of cum dripping out of his mouth as he lays down with a dazed expression, possibly turned cock stupid by his so called son.
With a playful smile, Dazai puts a hand over the bulge on Atsushi’s pants, earning a sweet mewl from Atsushi as he tries to move away.
“I knew it, dad. You loved it as much as I did.”
Atsushi tries to shake his head, but he only had energy left to moan, the color red never leaving his face as he flushes at the way Dazai massages his cock through his pants.
“Admit it, Atsushi. You knew that you belonged to me. You couldn’t take yourself back now, can you? Fall with me.” Dazai’s voice seductively whispered as he slowly unzips Atsushi’s zipper.
“We have years of catching up to do.”
If Atsushi could take himself back ten years ago, would he still save the boy that is now defiling him?
The world continued on outside, but the time inside the Nakajima household had seemed suspended. The clock was broken now. Shattered like the bond they have built for life.
To be continued?