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Alex is seething. Olivia would have been able to tell even if she hadn't just watched her yell at several junior officers until she was red in the face. The veins in her neck are so starkly visible that Olivia is sure she could take her pulse without even having to touch her. Her fists are clenched at her side as she storms out of the room with Olivia on her heels, catching her grumbling something about arrogance and incompetence. Olivia doesn't push it, instead dutifully following Alex as soon as she had turned on her heels and announced to her, "We're going home."
Her tone left little room for argument and Olivia didn't have one anyway, tired after working several hours over her scheduled shift while trying to handle the officers who rightly deserved to incur the wrath of Alex. The rookies had fumbled the case multiple times, going as far as to ridicule a victim within earshot of him and his family. Olivia had been furious then but Alex had been even more furious when they had mishandled key evidence. Their case was getting weaker and weaker by the second but it was time to go home; the other detectives had come on for a new set of eyes and Olivia was exhausted. Going home with Alex sounded like just what she needed right now.
Still, she can't help but trail reluctantly behind Alex. Olivia stays a couple of strides behind her, feeling uncharacteristically nervous about being in the same proximity at the current moment. She's angry, that much is evident, and Olivia can't help the apprehension weighing her down. It's a learned childhood instinct to avoid being alone with people who are upset. She doesn't have much of a choice, though, as she follows Alex into the elevator.
The doors close behind them and the knot of anxiety that has been tugging at Olivia's gut gets tighter. She glances at Alex furtively before venturing to ask, "You okay?" She makes her voice sound apparently normal and Alex sighs, leaning against the wall of the elevator as the floors tick down. It hits one just as she begins ranting.
"Those officers are incompetent," she bursts out angrily, waving her hands around as they step out of the elevator together. Olivia counts her blessings that Alex manages to keep her voice at a respectable level as they make their way out of the building. "They think they deserve more than what they've got and they don't. I'd almost think they're single-handedly trying to ruin our case. And the tall one—I don't know his name—with the brown hair—"
"McNally," Olivia supplies, a little hesitant to cut in. The hair on the back of her neck is prickling and the tips of her ears are hot with anxiety.
Alex nods empathetically. "He's the worst of them all!" She continues talking but Olivia tunes her out as they climb into the car together. Their doors slam closed simultaneously and the locks click into place, feeling like a threat to Olivia's safety as she buckles herself into place. Her ears are ringing so loudly that she can't even comprehend the angry tirade of words still coming out of Alex's mouth. Olivia sits back in her seat and tries to make herself as small as possible. She feels like a young child called into the principal's office and waiting to be punished.
Alex drives, one hand on the steering wheel and the other waving around like a mad woman as she continues her tirade while getting progressively louder. Olivia focuses on keeping her breathing even and not showing any outward signs of anxiety at being trapped in an enclosed space with Alex for so long.
She doesn't even remember the walk to her parking spot in the first place, the only thought bouncing around her skull is the distinct sound of the car doors locking into place. It plays on a loop in her head like a warning bell. Logically, Olivia knows Alex would never hurt her. She knows that. But still, something stops her from being sure.
The car ride home is hellishly long but also feels like it's over in an instant—Olivia remains caught between survival mode and remembering similar moments from her childhood that didn’t end well the entire time. When they finally park, having arrived at their apartment building, Olivia clambers out of the car and tries not to make it obvious that she's desperately gasping in the fresh air. She feels like she had held her breath the entire car ride, her lungs burning but too nervous to even twitch a muscle.
Alex doesn't seem to notice, her rant not tapering off until they slow to a stop in front of the apartment doorway after what had to have been a 30-minute journey to arrive here. Olivia unlocks the door, using her body to shield the fact that her hands are shaking as she does so. Alex is oblivious, already beginning to rummage through her purse for anything she might need to take out for the night. She comes up with a legal pad as they finally stumble their way into the apartment. Olivia sighs in relief, toeing off her boots as she drinks in the comfortable quiet of their home. Still, her heart rate spikes as she hears Alex click the locks on the front door into place. Once again, she feels like a caged animal.
Olivia has never quite learned how not to feel trapped in times like these. It never seems to stop. She tries to ignore the feelings, reminding herself that this is Alex for god's sake, the Alex she loves and adores and the one who loves and adores her right back. Nothing bad is going to happen. Olivia wishes she could make herself believe that.
Alex comes up behind her, heels dangling from the fingers of her right hand and her left hand coming up to gently rest on Olivia's elbow. She closes her eyes briefly, steadying herself and reminding herself to breathe as she remains faced away from Alex. She focuses on keeping her muscles loose and not tensing under her touch. Alex's voice is unexpectedly soft when she says, "I'll heat up the leftovers." Still, she hasn't seemed to notice Olivia's unease.
"I'll do it," Olivia insists, her voice sounding raspier than usual even to her own ears. "You go shower." She is desperate for a moment to herself without feeling vulnerable to the whims of another person. Alex in the shower makes her far less dangerous. It's a strategy that makes Olivia feel guilty for thinking this way about Alex at all but the resurfacing instincts from her childhood are making the rational side of her brain hazy. All she's searching for is safety.
"Are you sure?" Alex asks, stepping around the spot Olivia is frozen to and critically eyeing the look on her face once she can actually see her.
Olivia offers up a placating smile, one that she hopes is convincing. To really sell it, she leans forward and gives Alex a quick kiss on the cheek despite the vulnerable position it puts her in. When she pulls back, she's still forcing a smile. "I'm sure. Just be quick, I want to go to bed early." Within a second after she finishes speaking Olivia begins to feel bile rising in her throat, immediately panicking at having given Alex an order. If she had ever said something like that to her mom after a long day, she would've gotten hit.
Alex, however, just smiles tiredly but gratefully. "Okay, I'll be back before you know it."
Olivia huffs out a weak laugh as Alex retreats down the hallway toward their bedroom. She breathes a sigh of relief, shoulders sagging as she's finally safely alone. She takes a couple of minutes to breathe, wandering into the kitchen to at least feign productivity if Alex walks back in. She leans heavily on the counter, bracing both of her hands on the granite top and dropping her chin to her chest.
Olivia doesn't move from the position until she hears the water turn on and the shower curtain be pulled back and then slid into place again. Feeling a little more steady on her feet and no longer directly on the verge of collapse, she pulls the leftover lasagna from last night's dinner out of the fridge and puts the glass casserole dish in the oven to warm up.
As the food heats up, Olivia leaves the kitchen and pads quietly into the bedroom. She walks on her tiptoes despite how ridiculous it makes her feel, especially knowing the running water of the shower would cover just about any noise Olivia is making. Still, it's a habit she can't break as she quickly changes out of her work clothes and into an oversized t-shirt and a pair of sleep shorts. Even just changing clothes makes her feel a little bit more at ease and she walks back into the kitchen, still on her tiptoes but not glancing over her shoulder at every second or small noise.
The water turns off eventually although Olivia isn't quite aware of how long it takes. She's dazed and tired both from her long day and the hypervigilance she's now experiencing. Her energy is waning quickly and her movements feel sluggish as she checks on the food in the oven. The cheese on top of the pasta is bubbling so she pulls it out, thankful that it had been ready just in time for Alex to finish her shower. The thought of Alex coming out and the food still not being ready made her stomach hurt. She pulls it out of the oven, sending up a thanks to the heavens that she feels foolish about.
As she waits for Alex to finish up so that she can serve the food, Olivia pulls a glass out of the cupboard and fills it with ice and water from the fridge. She drinks it quickly, feverishly, and then refills it again. The cool glass grounds her as she holds it in her hands, bringing her back down to reality if only slightly. It soothes her as she leans against the counter and stares down at the floor, occasionally raising the glass to her lips for a drink or to gnaw on a piece of ice floating around in the water. As far as distractions go, it's not the worst. At the very least, it makes her feel more human than she has in over an hour.
That peace barely lasts a couple of minutes before Alex's voice is suddenly cutting through the still air of the kitchen, "How's dinner coming?" She's much closer than Olivia had expected. Her nerves are completely frayed and had rendered her momentarily unaware of her surrounding. She hadn't even heard Alex leave the bathroom.
Olivia is gasping and violently flinching at the sudden interruption before she's even quite realized what's happening. As she jumps, the glass begins to slip from her hands in almost slow motion. The cool surface, wet with condensation, easily falls out of her grasp despite how desperately she fumbles to keep it in her hold. It hits the ground with a loud sound of shattering glass. Olivia shuts her eyes at the sudden noise. It feels like her entire nervous system has gone into overdrive, every single one of her nerves tingling with fear.
Without thinking, Olivia falls to the floor to cover her mistake. Her knees are hitting the ground before she even realizes that she's stopped breathing completely, holding her breath in anticipation. She starts collecting the shards of glass in her hands, common sense completely thrown out the window as she tries to fix her mistake as quickly as possible. There's a faint buzzing in her head, clouding her judgment. All she can think back to is the time she dropped her mom's vodka bottle on the floor. The punishment she had gotten then was much worse than anything shards of glass could do to her now.
In her desperation, Olivia doesn't hear Alex's quiet gasp or her subsequent sharp command. Instead, all she is focused on is the broken glass in front of her. Dimly, she registers that she's in pain (she's bleeding she realizes a beat later and, god, when did that happen?) but the prickling and slicing of glass is nothing compared to the fear slithering its way up her throat and wrapping around her windpipe.
There's a hand on her shoulder suddenly, tugging at her, and Olivia flinches harder than she normally would—she had trained that knee-jerk reaction out of herself years ago. Still, she nearly falls face-first into the glass scattered across the floor but the hands on her shoulders keep her from tipping forward. Olivia almost wishes she had fallen, if only to get away from the hands on her—gripping hands that mean business, holding her in place. Distantly, she hears a voice calling her name as she tries to grasp at more shards of glass.
"...livia, Liv! Stop!" The disembodied hands move from her shoulders to her own hands, bloodied and shaking.
"I'm sorry," Olivia gasps out, finally taking a breath as everything offending her senses rushes back into focus, "I'm so sorry."
"Oh, Liv," Alex says softly and suddenly she's being pulled off the ground and away from the shattered mess. Her knees buckle as soon as they're a couple of feet away and Alex goes with her to the ground, tugging Olivia into her lap and cradling her to her chest. Alex runs a gentle hand through her hair, soothing. "Just take some deep breaths, you're okay. I've got you." Olivia realizes she's hyperventilating, having gone from not breathing at all to taking in only short bursts of air. She tries to breathe a little deeper, a little slower, but she can't. She feels the panic climb its way up her throat, threatening to smother her. Alex's voice is a constant—calm and collected despite the situation as she eases Olivia through her fears, "Come on, you can do it. Just like me—feel the way I'm breathing. That's it."
As Alex coaches her into taking in some deep breaths and the black spots at the edge of her vision begin to fade, everything begins to overwhelm her all at once—the pain in her hands and knees, the blood dripping down her skin and onto the floor, the stinging of glass in her skin that is sticky with blood, the tears running down her face. Olivia hadn't even realized she had been crying. Somehow, her hands are both numb and in excruciating pain.
Alex reaches up slowly—painfully slow—and wipes away the tears that have fallen down her cheeks. The tender gesture makes her stomach ache. She must see the lost look in Olivia's eyes as she looks around and tries to process what happened and how to react because she remains steady as she tries to ease her out of the anxiety she's feeling with a gentle, "Why don't we go get you cleaned up?"
Olivia doesn't look her in the eyes, instead casting a doubtful glance around the disaster she has created in the kitchen. There's glass everywhere and a puddle of water interspersed with droplets of blood. She frowns as she looks at it. "But—"
"We can clean this up later," Alex says when Olivia doesn't continue whatever she had been planning to say. Instead, she just keeps on staring at the mess. Alex shifts, trying to gently ease Olivia off of her lap. "I'm more concerned about you right now. Everything else can wait."
Olivia numbly follows Alex's suggestion, standing up on her feet with legs so wobbly they resemble a baby deer's. Feeling nervous and unsteady, she grasps Alex's arm for a moment to gather her bearings. When she pulls away, she's left a smear of blood on Alex's arm. She stares at it for a moment, long enough for Alex to also glance down at her arm, but all Olivia manages to say is, "Oh." She wants to apologize but the words won't form on her tongue.
Alex seems to get the message, though. She gives Olivia a crooked, sad smile and waves off her evident concern with a calm and collected, "Don't worry about it. I'll wash it off once we get to the bathroom." They stare at each other for a moment in silence, a beat of awkwardness passing between them before Alex glances over Olivia's body quickly and tilts her head in question. "Are you going to be able to walk? Is there any glass in your feet?"
Olivia blinks slowly at her, trying to work through the muddled depths of her mind to determine if any of the pain she is feeling is coming from her feet. She shrugs, unsure, but then thinks for a moment before changing her answer to a decisive shake of her head.
"Alright then," Alex says, not quite managing casual as concern underlines her words, "let's go to the bathroom. The first aid kit is in there." The explanation is pointless. Olivia knows that's where the first aid kit is and Alex knows that. Still, there was nothing else she could think to say.
Olivia nods silently, waiting for Alex to make the first step towards the bathroom so that she could follow behind her but instead, Alex motions for her to walk in front of her. Anxiety rolls through her abdomen but she doesn't dare disobey—not after this whole mess—so she does as instructed. Alex follows very closely behind her, a gentle hand pressed to her lower back to guide her through the apartment. Olivia is sure that Alex believes she could collapse at any moment and Olivia doesn't quite disagree with that assumption.
When they make it to the bathroom, Alex instructs Olivia to sit on the edge of the bathtub as she pulls the first aid kit out from under the sink. She also retrieves several washcloths, presumably to clean up her blood with. Olivia stares blankly ahead of her as Alex nervously flits around. She seems to be constantly in motion, a flurry of anxiety as she prepares to bandage Olivia up. It makes her feel guilty for causing the problems that she has.
Eventually, Alex comes to a stop in front of Olivia, placing various items on the ground next to the bathtub before settling herself down on the floor in front of Olivia. She sits cross-legged, faux-casual as she calculatingly stares up at Olivia. For a moment, all they do is stare at each other and for a split-second, Olivia is convinced her fears will come true and this will be when the dam breaks. But then Alex is glancing away from her and gently cradling Olivia's right hand in both of hers. She turns it carefully, examining it before she goes any further.
Alex's voice is even when she explains, "I'm going to remove the glass from your hands first with tweezers and then disinfect and bandage them before I move on to your knees and repeat the process, okay?" Her eyes are searching as she once again stares up at Olivia.
Olivia forces herself to nod and rasp out an acknowledgment of, "Okay."
Alex frowns grimly as she palms Olivia's right hand in hers, face up so that she can study her palm and decide where the best place to start with would be. Neither of them moves. Alex looks at Olivia's hands and Olivia watches Alex as she looks at her hands. Alex's eyes flick up to her in consideration, lip nervously held between her teeth before she releases it. "You did quite a number on yourself, didn't you?" she tsks softly and Olivia averts her eyes, heat rising to her cheeks. Shame floods through her, drowning her from the inside out.
"I'm sorry," she mumbles, not managing to look Alex in the eyes as she does so.
Alex's frown deepens. "No need to apologize, we both made mistakes," she says smoothly, the tone she usually reserves for work purposes surfacing just a little in her words. Olivia makes a confused noise at the statement. She doesn't say anything but Alex elaborates anyway, "I shouldn't have startled you."
They make eye contact for a brief second and Olivia sees the understanding in Alex's eyes, realizing that she knows why they ended up here—how they ended up here. Olivia winces as Alex picks up the tweezers to start pulling out the glass, evidently done with this conversation. Olivia thinks she's ending it for Olivia’s sake more than her own. Before the operation begins, Olivia manages to mumble out a quick, "You didn't know." It's an apology and also forgiveness.
Alex doesn't comment on it. Instead, she remains steadfastly focused on the task at hand, murmuring a kind but commanding, "Hold still," as she uses one hand to keep Olivia's hand steady and the other to hold the tweezers. Without further ado, she begins to expertly remove the glass sticking out from Olivia's skin. There's a decent amount. Despite that fact, Alex manages to stay gentle and careful. She starts with her fingertips, hands not shaking despite the tension Olivia can read in her shoulders clear as day. She also periodically glances up at Olivia to gauge how much pain she's in. Olivia tries not to let it show, but the process isn't exactly fun for her. She can feel her skin sticking to the sharp edges of the glass as it's pulled out. It's painful and numbing all at the same time, especially as her adrenaline starts to crash and everything begins to feel a little more real.
Still, they sit there for so long that Olivia begins to tune out the sharp pain of Alex slowly extracting the shards out of her skin. It all becomes background sensations after a while, grounding her as she shuts her eyes against the harsh lighting of the bathroom. She's so tired but she can't relax. Even with her eyes closed, Olivia is hyperaware of every movement Alex is making. She makes a valiant attempt to breathe evenly as Alex works on one hand and then the other, periodically wiping away some of the blood staining her skin. The palms are the worst part despite the fact that Alex is clearly trying her best to work efficiently so that she doesn't cause her any excess pain. Olivia appreciates it even if she can't manage the energy to vocalize it.
Alex does one hand and then the other, discarding the glass into a nearby trashcan as she goes. Olivia tries to count the pieces that she hears clinking into the bin but loses count, her brain too foggy to decipher which noises are from the discarded glass and which are from the clicking of the tweezers.
Eventually, Olivia hears Alex let out a long, slow breath as she pulls out a relatively small piece of glass—at least from the feel of it—and then she hears the clattering of metal on the sink countertop as Alex finally, blessedly, sets down the tweezers. Olivia squints her eyes open to watch Alex carefully inspect her hands. She's frowning as she does so and also simultaneously reaching for the antiseptic she had placed at her side, along with more than a dozen packets of sterile gauze.
She glances back up at Olivia, seeming to be able to sense that she's opened her eyes. "I'm going to clean these out now," Alex explains and Olivia falls a little more in love with her right there despite their situation. Her understanding and compassion are endless and it makes Olivia's heart ache. Olivia nods gratefully at her words. "This is going to sting," she warns as she dampens some gauze with antiseptic, intently examining the cuts on Olivia's hands for any glass she might have missed while she does so. She glances up at Olivia for a response or some kind of acknowledgment that she had heard her.
Olivia provides her response with a soft, "Mhmm." She doesn't know what else to say—what else she even could say considering her brain seems to be lagging so far behind she can't even form coherent sentences.
It doesn't sting, really, only aches in a way that Olivia finds unnerving. She keeps her eyes open for this part, watching as Alex carefully dabs at her hands with a washcloth to wipe away the excess blood before she goes right to disinfecting each of the wounds. The small ones are easy, some no bigger than paper cuts, but others are deep and jagged. Those are the ones that hurt the most, the ones that keep cracking open and bleeding as Alex wipes them down.
They sit in silence for several minutes, both of them losing themselves to their roles in this process—Olivia the watchful victim, and Alex the steady caregiver. It's Alex who breaks the silence once again. "We might need to go to the urgent care," she says, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth as she stares down at Olivia's hands. Alex continues to apply pressure but some of the cuts keep on bleeding—minimally but still steady.
Olivia jolts away from her as soon as she processes the suggestion, anxiety flooding through her immediately. "No, please," she whimpers, curling in on herself in a poor attempt to hide the damage littering her skin. The thought of being around more people, especially strangers, at the current moment felt like a life-or-death situation. She already felt unsafe but being in public would skyrocket that feeling to the moon. Just thinking about it made Olivia’s stomach heavy, like she had swallowed a handful of stones.
The gauze Alex had been applying to her hands falls away just as Alex's hands do, reopening a couple of the lacerations so that they begin to bleed again. Wanting to correct the mistake immediately to reduce any more damage that Olivia would cause by flailing away, Alex backs down. "I won't force you," she reassures, reaching for Olivia's hands again to reapply gauze to the freshly opened cuts. "I'm just concerned by how much some of these are bleeding."
"I'm fine," Olivia insists but she allows Alex to take hold of her hands again. As she begins to open a new package of sterile gauze, Alex scoffs a little.
Showing an attempt at levity for the first time all night, Alex plainly says, "I wouldn't exactly consider your current state 'fine.'"
Olivia says nothing, unsure of what response would be appropriate to fit the situation. She's overthinking and she knows that but the thousands of thoughts running through her head are relentless and she can't help but feel rattled by this whole experience. The silence stretches and Alex goes back to tending to her wounds without further comment.
Olivia’s hands keep on bleeding. After a minute or so more and apparently out of options, Alex clambers off the tile floor and urges Olivia to raise her hands above her head by pressing a gentle hand under each of her triceps, “Raise your arms for me.” Olivia does as she's instructed and then she feels Alex's cool fingers traveling up both of her upper arms as she holds them up, Alex leaning over her to get leverage. The proximity makes Olivia uneasy but she doesn't pull away, allowing Alex further into her space no matter how much she doesn't want to. It seems Alex has a sixth sense, however, for how Olivia seems to be feeling at the moment because she softly explains to her, "I'm going to apply pressure on your brachial arteries to reduce blood flow and hopefully encourage clots to form."
Olivia raises a skeptical eyebrow that she knows Alex can't see and closes her eyes when she feels Alex's lithe fingers digging firmly into the side of her biceps. She's doubtful of the method until she feels her arms begin to tingle from lack of blood flow and then her mouth falls open slightly at the sensation.
"What—" Olivia cuts herself off, not even able to form an intelligible question, but Alex gets the gist as she pulls away to once again inspect Olivia's injuries.
"I took a couple of CPR and first aid classes when we first started dating," Alex explains distractedly as she peers at Olivia's wounds, appearing triumphant when she sees that the bleeding has finally stopped. "It seemed like a necessary step to take. I didn't think this is how I would be using that knowledge, though."
"Sorry."
"Stop apologizing," Alex scolds lightly, her words holding no heat. Olivia keeps her mouth shut because her first instinct was to apologize again but she wasn’t about to disregard a direct order.
They move on, Alex determinedly working her way through Olivia’s medical needs. She begins applying fresh gauze to each of the cuts and then wraps her entire hand to keep them in place. She applies a couple of bandaids to particularly deep spots on her fingers before doing the same to the other hand. Olivia can’t help but think she looks like a burn victim as Alex begins to finish up, disposing of the used gauze in the trashcan. Flexing her hands experimentally, Olivia winces at the soreness in them and the restrictive nature of the bandages. Her hands are also trembling but Olivia can’t discern a direct cause considering there are likely multiple factors contributing to the shaking.
Alex watches the way Olivia winces at the pain and her face pales, analyzing her like she’s a puzzle meant for solving. She tilts her head sympathetically, settling herself more firmly on the ground after having shifted to reach the bathroom trashcan. "Why don't we take a break before I move on to your knees," she suggests but Olivia tenses at the thought of wasting more time. All she wants is for this humiliation to end.
Olivia shakes her head vehemently in response, whispering out a desperate, "Please. Don't." She refuses to look Alex in the eyes to see her reaction but she hears the sigh that involuntarily passes through her lips. Olivia flinches a little, curling in on herself as best she can while perched on the edge of the bathtub. She closes her eyes in anticipation of retaliation she knows Alex isn't likely to give. Logically, she does know that Alex would never but the instinct still lingers.
The anger Olivia is bracing for never comes. Instead, Alex acquiesces without a fight and kindly says, "If that's what you want." She places a warm, gentle hand on Olivia's lower thigh, right above her knee. Olivia relaxes into the touch, muscles sore from tensing for so long that she can no longer hold the defensive position she is so desperately relying on to protect her. She tries to remind herself that she is safe as Alex picks up the tweezers again to begin carefully extracting the glass out of her knees. She is safe, she is safe, she is safe. Still, it's impossible to drown out the little voice in the back of her head insisting the opposite.
There's less glass in her knees but it's dug in deeper, probably from the pressure exerted by her body weight directly onto the shards. Each one Alex pulls out is accompanied by more blood dripping down her legs. Alex tries to be as efficient as possible as she proceeds, cleaning and bandaging the wounds as she goes to try and minimize the bleeding. With Olivia's hands, that had been a nearly impossible course of action due to the sheer amount of tiny pieces of glass in her skin—Alex had needed to be more cautious in making sure they had all been removed. With Olivia's knees, the pieces are fairly large so it's quicker and easier, although much more painful, to remove those.
Olivia gasps as Alex removes one stray piece from the upper part of her shin and she contemplates all of her life choices that have led up to this moment. She definitely won’t be making this mistake again, mentally promising herself to look into buying plastic cups to replace her glass ones. She wonders if that would be a drastic measure but quickly loses her train of thought as Alex disinfects the laceration on her shin and bandages it before leaning back to admire her handiwork. Her eyes are piercing as they search every part of Olivia’s legs to check for any missed pieces.
Apparently, she doesn’t find any because she looks up at Olivia with raised eyebrows and, almost cheerfully, announces, “All done.” Olivia is left in shock at the abrupt finish as Alex clambers to her feet, throwing out the rest of the used medical supplies and tossing the damp washcloths into the hamper that is several feet away. The rags land in the bin with such practiced ease that Olivia considers the fact that Alex might make a habit out of playing basketball with their dirty laundry.
Alex quickly slips the first aid kit back under the sink before turning to Olivia thoughtfully. “You look exhausted. Do you still want to eat dinner?”
Unsure of the right answer, Olivia pauses and tries not to visibly shrink in on herself in fear. She hunches her back as she shakes her head, truthfully telling Alex, “I’d rather just sleep.” Her whole body aches from the top of her head to the tips of her toes even if a majority of her remains uninjured. She feels like she’s just run a marathon and is coming down from a runner’s high of epic proportion. Her body is entirely out of whack and all she wants to do is sleep it off.
To her relief, Alex just nods in agreement and sticks her hand out, palm up in an offer of help if Olivia needs it. Olivia waves her off, not quite tired enough to completely let her guard down as she hoists herself to her feet. She teeters a little, her center of gravity thrown off by her disorientation. Alex reaches out like she’s going to help steady her but stops herself, allowing Olivia to gather her bearings at her own pace. She manages, landing firmly on her feet after a couple of seconds of unbalance.
They move into the bedroom, Olivia going in front despite her resistance as Alex flicks the bathroom light off behind her. When they make it to the bedroom, Alex softly tells her, “I’m going to go put the lasagna away.” Although it wasn’t her intention, the statement makes Olivia feel guilty for ruining Alex’s evening and keeping her from eating dinner. Instead of voicing her feelings, she nods silently and settles herself onto the foot of the bed with her feet firmly on the floor and holding up the rest of her boneless body.
All Olivia wants to do is curl up under the covers and fall asleep but she can’t bring herself to do it no matter how much her body aches to lie down. The thought of Alex coming in after Olivia’s already laying down or, god forbid, fallen asleep, makes her want to crawl out of her skin and hide under the bed like a scared child. It makes her feel shaky and nervous and flighty and it’s times like this that Olivia misses having her own apartment, her own space to go away and hide in when things get tough. It’s not a healthy instinct but it’s something she’s never been able to escape.
When Alex gets back from clearing away the mess and presumably making sure everything was locked up and the lights are all off, Olivia is still sitting in the same position with her feet on the floor and leaning on the bed instead of actually on it. She doesn't look up when Alex walks back into the bedroom, instead keeping her eyes safely averted and on the floor. She's trembling a little, legs shaking as she braces herself against the bed. Her anxiety continues to rise when Alex settles herself on the mattress at Olivia's side. They're so close their arms almost brush but Alex doesn't reach out to touch her. Instead, she asks, "Can we talk?"
Olivia nods because she knows it’s necessary and she knew that Alex would take Olivia sitting the way she is as an invitation—and Olivia can’t quite work out whether that had been her intention or not. Alex doesn't say anything else. They sit in silence for a moment before Olivia can't take it, breaking the stillness with a pleading, "I'm sorry." It's the only thing she can think to say, the only thing she has ever been able to say in moments like these.
“I told you to stop apologizing,” Alex reminds her, but the words are kind instead of harsh like Olivia is prone to expect. There’s another beat of silence that has Olivia searching for something, anything to say. Alex beats her to it. "You don't have to be afraid, Liv," she starts, voice shaking just barely enough to be noticeable even in Olivia's altered state. "I will never, ever hurt you." She’s firm in that, leaving no room for speculation, and Olivia can feel Alex’s determined gaze on her. She doesn’t look up.
"I know," Olivia insists because that's the worst part of all this—she really does know but it's like there are two halves of her brain warring against each other and she can't quite get the logical side to win.
"And I know that you know, but it bears repeating." Alex's tone is calm in the face of Olivia's obvious distress and it settles some of the fire burning inside of her. "I need you to tell me whenever I'm doing anything that is scaring you. Even if you have to text it to me or write it down because you feel like you can't say it aloud—just tell me."
“I—” Olivia searches for the words to explain why it's so hard, to explain that she spent so long learning to keep her mouth shut that it’s a survival instinct more than a conscious choice.
Alex interprets her silence correctly—something Olivia has always found to be particularly meaningful given Alex’s inability to read most people in such an accurate way—and gently says, “I know that it feels impossible but all I’m asking is that you try.”
Olivia reminds herself that Rome wasn’t built in a day. And for Alex, she would be willing to achieve just about anything. “Okay,” she agrees and that must be that for tonight because Alex wraps an arm around Olivia’s shoulders and rests a warm, gentle hand over Olivia’s wrist just above where the gauze starts. She gives her a tight squeeze and it’s comforting instead of suffocating like Olivia thought it would be. And slowly, the ball of anxiety knitting itself together in Olivia’s chest begins to unravel and suddenly she can breathe more freely than she has been able to all night.
“In the spirit of apologies,” Alex says, teasing Olivia at first but serious as she moves into her point, “I’m sorry for the role I had in all of this. I don’t like seeing you hurt and I hope we can avoid a debacle like this in the future.”
Olivia leans her weight more heavily into Alex’s side, drawing in her warmth as she murmurs into their shared space, “No more apologies. There’s been plenty already tonight.”
“I figured it was my turn.” Alex shrugs, playful as she turns her head to give Olivia a lingering kiss on her cheek. “Time for bed?” she asks as she pulls away, taking note of the way it seems to take a Herculean effort for Olivia to open her eyes after every time she blinks.
Olivia nods sluggishly, grateful for the out before the embarrassment begin to swallow her whole again. She crawls into bed as Alex gets up to switch off the lights. The room is engulfed in darkness as Olivia gets under the covers. Her hands ache as she tugs the sheets up around her and they brush uncomfortably against the bandages on her knees as the blankets get pulled up over them and the fabrics catch slightly. Still, the pain is nothing compared to the shame she feels as she curls up, shifting into the middle of the bed so that Alex can meet halfway.
And Alex does meet her, urging Olivia to roll onto her side so that Alex can press up behind her and hold her. The familiarity of Alex’s arms around her pushes away her remaining doubts and fears, overshadowing the humiliation she feels from the whole ordeal. Her resistance to showing vulnerability, especially in such a drastic way, is a learned characteristic but with Alex holding her like this, Olivia thinks maybe she can unlearn it and avoid events like this in the future. With Alex behind her, there’s nothing that Olivia thinks she can’t do.