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Corruption.
My biggest regret was becoming a cop. I had grown up with such a distain for authority. Me and my friends broke into buildings, I pierced my friends myself, I did drugs and I got in trouble. For some reason, defeat, I joined the academy. I was the town inside joke.
“You heard Javi is a cop now?”
They would laugh. I would laugh too, it was ironic. They all watched me grow up causing havoc, fighting and making my mom nearly send me away to military school. At least while being a cop I hadn’t falsely imprisoned anyone or planted drugs. I wasn’t necessarily peaceful but I wasn’t ashamed of that.
The only corruption in my time was towards myself. I would take a share when there was a drug bust, some cocaine, hey he’ll get less time, I reduced his sentence with my addiction.
I did this so many times. For years, the second they put me in the narcotics department and rumors of sending me to the DEA, I thought I had it all under control. They wouldn’t know. It was like putting a baby in a candy store. I had been so dependent on coke, I knew somehow it would kill me. Yet at 36 I did it to the wrong person. We had an assignment for a hot shot dealer, me and my colleagues laughed at him name. Julien Montana.
“He must’ve watched Scarface a bit too young.” My partner Diana joked. I laughed, sniffling. Diana knew about my habits, but she would never tell because she also frequented my bed every Friday night while being married. There wasn’t much to it, she’s a bored wife and I, a single man. I would’ve never snitched but I’m sure she never reported me because we were having sex for 2 years by that point.
My mom would call and tell me “Javi, you’re breaking my heart. I’m 72 with no grandchildren you want me dead.”
She was dramatic like every other Latina mother, I would promise her I’m working on it but I hadn’t had a girlfriend since I was 24, well fiancé. And my mom decided not to show her face for 2 months when I left Stefani at the altar. But I push those memories aside those of my life in my 20s.
Julien.
Diana and I found where his main distribution location was. I helped myself to a lot more coke than I have before. In the location there was about 200 pounds of it. I went home with 10.
“Javier, please don’t take that much you’re going to get caught.” Diana puts her hand on my lower back like she always did when she wanted to talk me out of something. I looked over my shoulder, disease blinding me, I smile at her and continue taking my share.
I should’ve listened to her because I was put on “leave”. What’s fucked up is somehow I achieved that cop privilege. I did no time, not a spec on my record, not even in the report at the precinct. Shit, I wasn’t even really fired, just sent away until it blew over. Diana cut all communication with me out of fear. Which was a good idea in hindsight because Julien Montana hadn’t even served 6 months, and he knew about someone fucking with his money.
Diana and I laughed at him at our desks but he really was a character. One with connections, in the precinct, in the court and in my neighborhood.
But I was put on leave 7 months ago and now I’m sat, bruised and in the sweating stage of withdrawal. I’m sat in front of Julien with my hands behind my back. My head was pounding, I haven’t— in 2 days.
“You know how much I hate police.” Julien begins. nausea, sweating, head ache, I took drugs to avoid ever having to feel this. Good thing Julien is going to take me out of my misery. Not good Javi, mom will literally die if you die. “When I found out 10 pounds of my hard earned…work-was taken by none other than a pig. I thought about doing a lot of bad things Javier”
My breathing was slow because of the symptoms but I was getting more and more anxious. Julien put a hand on my shoulder, a lighter in his other hand, the flame getting closer to my neck. “I thought about burning you alive and leaving the corpse in the living room of your family home.”
My heart was beating out my chest, I didn’t dare to say a word. I’m not sure if at that moment I could. All I could do is whine and grunt in pain at the thought of my mother seeing that.
“I thought long and hard, right now just seeing you I wonder if it’ll be better for everyone around me if I just shot you in the head.” The flame was burning, I cried, I couldn’t stop. How did I get this bad? Julien laughs before stepping away, patting the fresh burn on my neck causing me to let out a pathetic whine. The burn on my neck throbbing in pain. I was never this weak, or fearful but the ache deep in my bones from the lack of coke in my blood stream and the fact that I’m probably about to die did the job. “Do you have any kids Javier? Who am I kidding I know you don’t have any. I do. Two of them, a son and a daughter.” He pauses for a moment, his eyes drifting to the wall behind me. “My sweet Ariana.” It came out like a whisper.
Silence falls after the name is dropped. I couldn’t know in a million years where this was going. At this point if there was someone I cared about it was just my mom. She tried so hard for me. Look at me now.
Julien sat, the silence rung in the air and I was just waiting for him to just end me, to end all of this.
Julien nodded slowly before speaking, “You are going to work for me. You are going to get Ariana to Canada by car with some stops to sell.” My heart skipped at the thought of possibly being spared, but it sank just as quick. I would be closer to him than I ever wanted. Julien inhaled through his nose, the desk had a picture but It was facing him, he stared at it for a moment. “If you touch my daughter, disrespect or even look at her funny I will dismember you, personally.” He wiped his hands on the front of his suit. “I deal with crack heads like you all the time. My wife will detox you, you will not be able to leave from here until next week. Next week, you will drive.”
The second I get my hand on some, I’m binging again.
Julien’s wife was much nicer, Florence. She was nice in the way every mother should be. She reminded me of my own, she even put vicks on me after a shower. I was incapable of being on my own for the first 2 days of the withdrawal. Her face was soft looking, her skin brown, her eyes kind. I wondered how a beautiful woman like her ended up with someone like Julien.
“Your mother must be so worried.” On day three she rubbed my back when I coughed up the home cooked meal she fed me. “You’ve lived a lot of your life on drugs I’m assuming. How old are you?”
I wretch into the bowl, “36” She wipes my mouth and shakes her head.
“So young, I was that age 20 years ago. You’re only about 10 years older than Ariana you know. She’ll be a handful, I hope you’re prepared.” Her hand rubbed my back more, I felt safe but I knew she was only nursing me so I could be well enough to complete drug deals for her husband.
Day 6, I was dressed. I was up and being taken to the room where Julien burned me. It was a nearly vacant office space. I felt a deep fear strike in me when Florence held out clothing from my house. The thought of one of their people running through my house made this feel too real. Julien held a car key out in front of me. “Ariana has a map of all your stops. She hasn’t done this before but she has a card to pay for overnight stays. She’s my daughter don’t make her stay in some shitty motel.” His hand on my shoulder. “If you mess this up, remember that burn on your neck.”
“I won’t. When I’m done, we’re done right?” I naively ask, I’ve been around criminals and victims, I know it will never be that simple.
Julien smiles a crooked smile.
“She’s in the car.” He pats my back. My shoulders slightly sink. I crouch down to pick up my bag and walk out of the door.
The May California sun burned, and for whatever reason in made the scar on my neck more sensitive. The car was nicer than I thought, it was a black 70s Plymouth. I looked back over my shoulder, this was some real mobster shit. In the passengers seat I spotted wavy black hair leaning against the window. I walked behind the truck, opening the truck finding two bags inside, Ariana’s. I placed my bag in the truck, opening it up digging for my sunglasses. The yellow tinted glasses were quickly placed on my head, I looked to my left seeing Julien watch my every move.
I shut the trunk, checking the watch on my wrist. 8 am. I lock eyes with Julien giving him a nod. I had no intention of messing this up, I’d like to come home in the next few weeks in one piece, I’d like to bring his daughter to Canada unscathed. I walk to the drivers seat, having to crouch to adjust to the car for a second before even laying my eyes on the girl in the passengers seat. I turn the car on, shooting a small glance at the girl. Her face was turned from me, she was small, she had on a white tank top and a long skirt.
I internally shrug and put my hand on the back of her head rest, look over my shoulder and pull out of the driveway. I give Julien a final glance, he had a gun tucked in his waistband, I was almost worried that this was a sick joke and he would shoot me straight in the head as I left.
I looked over at Ariana because she apparently had the map. “Uh-“
“First stop is in Vegas, we should be there by 1:30 if the traffic isn’t bad.” Her voice was soft, like her mothers and she finally looked at me. My eyebrows shot up quickly before my eyes were back on the road. She looked just like her mom, more young in the face considering she’s in her mid twenties. She also sported a black eye on her left and a white birthmark on the corner of her right.
I nod, looking at the road ahead. I’ve driven to Vegas more times than I could count, when I was 24 my main dealer moved out there, I was so tied up I would take the trip there and spend the weekend getting high. No wonder my engagement failed the way it did. I wonder what Stefani was doing right now.
20 minutes in she put up the music. Minnie Riperton high pitched voice surrounded the car. She didn’t have a phone, I would assume she would prefer to be on a phone than sitting in silence with her knees facing her car door. “So you stole from my dad?” She speaks, Truly I was far from interested in a conversation, this was going to be a reminder of the shitty position I put myself in. My legs spread further as I shift in my seat, shifting trying to signal to her that I didn’t want to have this conversation. “I’ve stolen plenty from him, that’s probably why he’s sending me all this way with you.”
I look at her quickly, her knees now facing me. Her hands were picking at the skirt. I look away again. I shook my head, wondering what she had stolen from him.
“You missed the exit.”
2 hours in.
“What’s your name anyway.” Her knees now to her chest in the passengers seat. She hadn’t smiled once but any movement of her lips deepened her dimples. I wondered how people got so lucky with their looks.
I wave my hand in front of her legs, “Put your legs down, it’s not safe to sit like that.” She dropped her legs with an annoyed groan. “It’s Javier.”
“Javier, Javier, Javier. I feel like I could’ve guessed that.” She closes her eyes for a second, I’ve realized that every few minutes she had to close her eyes probably from the fresh bruise. I wondered how she got it. I wouldn’t dare to ask. “Did you enjoy being a pig, officer Javier?” She asks her eyes still shut, rubbing her head. The hit must’ve caused a headache.
I don’t feel insulted by the question. I hated being an officer, I hated how even though I stole I wasn’t punished. I hated my co workers, I can’t believe I did it for so long. I wasn’t even getting paid well, at all. The only thing I enjoyed was the drugs, and the fact that I knew I could protect myself.
“We should stop by Walgreens, get you something for that eye.” I side eyed her, in my peripheral I could see her lips curve the slightest bit.
She shifted in her seat, her knees again. “I’m fine, really I am. Are you sure you can play macho drug dealer at our first stop.” She was trying to pry any answer out of me.
I squint my eyes, the sun still finding it’s way through my sunglasses. A road marker, “Roadside Rest Stop in 1 mile” with Chic Fil-A, Mcdonald’s, CVS and Starbucks. Gas ahead.
The tank was still good. “I’ve done my fair share of undercover jobs, they see the mustache and assume I know what I’m doing.” A giggle erupts from my right side and my head tilts towards her, her hand was covering her smile.
I bit the inside of my lip, turning into the rest stop, surrounded by people. I guess this will be the last time we stop in a place like this. I stop the car in a space without many cars near. I take off my sunglasses and toss it in her lap. “Put it on let’s go.”
We step out the car, she wasn’t as small as I assumed, she was a about 4 inches smaller than me, her hair was almost darker in the sun which was surprising, it was also curlier. I wait for her to walk in front of me, I follow behind her into the CVS.
The white noise from the kiosk checkout and the air conditioner blasting almost relaxes me. With her sunglasses she watches a young girl pass her hand in hand with her dad. Ariana shakes her head and continues to walk towards the frozen section. I could see the goosebumps on the back of her arms.
“I hope you packed for Canada.” The skirt swishing as she walked. She shook her head, opening the freezer pulling out a frozen pack of peas and small ice cream tub. “Seriously?”
Ariana looks at me over her shoulder, her eyes peeking a bit outside the thin rim. She passes me the cold products and walks over to the checkout. There’s a camera showing us in front of me, I put my head down immediately feeling anxious about this. About everything, part of me hopes that if I get caught Julien would use some sort of connection to get me out but I know deep down that I’m not his “associate”, i’m his puppet.
I swipe the card, passing it back to Ariana. She puts it in the pocket of my vest.
“So what are we doing in Vegas? What exactly?” I ask quietly as we walk back to the gorgeous classic. She opens the door climbing in, and so did I. I looked over at her, already comfortable with my sunglasses on. I nod to her to take off the glasses. She furrows her brows and lifts them. I pass her the frozen vegetables, she puts it just on her cheek bone.
I shake my head grabbing her hand to lift it closer to her eye. “Your eye is most swollen, focus on your cheek later.”
She didn’t respond to my advice but to my first question. “We’ll get a hotel first, you have to meet with one of my dads associates 10 minutes off the strip, we could stay in a motel off the strip but I would much rather stay-“
“Yeah, yeah. What am I doing when I meet this associate exactly.” I turn on the car looking at her lap. “Seatbelt.”
She sighs. “He has a few pounds, you’re an addict so I’m sure you’re able to tell if it’s real.” She digs, I squint my eyes at her and continue on our path. “I have the money in my bag, you pay him and deliver it to some guy in Arizona. We won’t stay there though.”
My stomach turns, he’s really having me go on a cross country tour for him.
I don’t reply I just soaked in my fate. She fell asleep. Down a road that felt like there would be no end I called my mom. It might be stupid to use my phone while driving a drug lords daughter cross country but If I don’t my mom would report me missing.
She picks up with the first ring, “Javi, you haven’t called is everything okay?” No, nothing was fine. I’m nearly 40 and I’m beginning my career in drug dealing.
I nodded, a bit drowsy, I forget she can’t see me. “Yes, yea I am.” Ariana stirs next to me, taking the bag of peas to her eye the second she wakes.
“How long do we have?” She asks, completely disregarding the phone in my ear. I give her pleading eyes to stop speaking, she raises her eyebrows and mutters an apology.
“Javi, estás con una chica?” She lowers her voice speaking to me in spanish so that Ariana doesn’t hear. Fuck.
“Si mama, I’m 36 is it so shocking?” I mutter, Ariana is staring at me I can feel it.
She laughs beyond the line, “Where are you two going? Is she pretty? Put me on speaker papa.” I groan, putting her on speaker. “Hi sweetheart, where are you two heading.” Her small accent peeks through the speakers of my cracked iphone 7.
Ariana looks shocked but answers immediately. “Hi, this is Ari, oh we’re just going on a-“
“Road trip mom, we’re gonna be gone for a while. I’ll keep you updated but I can’t stay on the phone for long.”
She’s suspicious because she allows silence to hold the line. She sighs behind the phone, “Be safe, don’t come back married and if you do make sure a baby is already on the way, i’m getting really old.”
Ariana laughs, of course she does. It’s only been 3 hours with her and anything that makes me the butt of the joke is awfully amusing to the girl. “Love you.” I whisper before hanging up the phone and placing it back in the cup holder. I exhale, white knuckling the wheel and staying forward. This road really doesn’t end. I could feel Ariana’s gaze, I give her a double take when I see her small smile. Dimples. “What?”
She shrugs and turns back to facing the window. “36 year old ex cop addict mamas boy. No wife, girlfriend or kids. Just funny.”
Black eye, dimples, freckles, birthmark and a smile only a smart ass feels comfortable enough to flaunt.
I stay quiet and let her rest.
-------
Traffic caused us to make it by 2.
I had all the bags in my hands, Ariana walked in front of me with my sunglasses on. “Planet Hollywood it’s not too expensive.” My stomach grumbles, hopefully the food is good.
The glory of the Vegas strip isn’t so when it’s daylight. The large advertising screens outside the hotel wasn’t bright like the ones in Times Square. I follow Ariana into the purple lit lobby, a smell of cigarettes comforting me. In places where being coked up wasn’t favorable a cigarette dangled from my lip, I could really do with one right now.
My eyes scan the crowd spread out in the lobby, it was what most students would consider spring break. Ariana almost immediately slowed down at the sight sticking to my side instead of having me trail behind. “I came here for spring break in college.” She points at a group of college girls in bathing suits. To their left a large group of elderly men leave the casino entrance, I belong with those guys.
“Mm” I mutter not really caring to have a conversation now that we were outside of the car. The front desk was large, and long, about 15 attendants so there was no need to wait. My hand slipping under the collar of my shirt, a nervous itch.
“Hello welcome to Planet Hollywood, do you guys have a reservation?” The kind eyed man asks, his eyes glued to Ariana through her glasses. I don’t respond for a second observing his rude stare.
My nostrils flare, “No what rooms do you have. We need two. ” I urge, Ariana gets on her tip toes to see what the front desk worker was looking at. Ariana was distracted but her head snapped to me. She leans into me whispering, we are not being in separate rooms that’s so dangerous for me.
I sigh. “One room actually, double bed.”
The worker clicked, and scrolled. “Well you see we have a large group of our local college students and there’s a poker tournament this weekend. We have a single bedroom and a two bed honeymoon suite.”
“Honeymoon, just one night, late check out of thats possible.” I state quickly before Ariana could speak.
“There’s a $15 fee.”
“Okay.” I interrupt starting to feel extremely irritable. It wasn’t anything that Ariana did, or the front desk. It was the headache that strikes between my brow and the fact that I have to be doing this right now. Ariana hands the card to the man.
“It’ll be $315. Names?”
“Ar-“
“Bonnie and Clyde.” Ariana cuts, no smile or humor playing in her face. I glare at her as the man at the desk laughs. “What’s funny?” She tilts her head at him looking at him through the non tinted space of the sunglasses. The mans laugh quickly comes to a stop but now sported with a smile.
“Well, here’s your key Bonnie.” He winks. I screw my face up at him. Good god somebody shoot me. She grabs the card and the key card. She smiles back at him.
We start walking through the crowd, trying to keep up with the girl. “Was that necessary? That wasn’t suspicious at all.” I say lowly behind her. She looks at me over her shoulder screwing her eyebrows together in annoyance.
“Poor guy just thought I was flirting with him.”
“You were, were you not?” I ask, not really caring but just confused.
“God men are clueless.” She steps into the elevator, almost halting when meeting eyes with a group of college aged boys. I walk in, tugging at her shirt to pull her closer to me. They all stare at her, at her chest since she sported a thin tank and no bra in this air conditioned elevator. I narrow my eyes at the group.
It reminded me of how disgusting the criminals me and Diana would handle. You lose your hope for humanity, the grabs and the profanity. Of course she was the type that was to prideful to let me defend her, it was more so I would detain them and she would use that force. It was fully justified. I wondered who raised the lot of these men. I did miss her from time to time, not really because she was the only person I had sex with for 2 years but besides all of that we made a good team. She tried to get me help for my addiction which I rejected. She started to cry but I was so doped up I don’t really remember how I handled that.
The elevator dinged and we took a short walk to room 713. The room was extremely large, with that price for one night, frightfully so. It wasn’t too flashy like I pictured it would be. It was mostly white, with accents of red. Red pillows, red drapes, and a red bath tub exposed. I put our bags down, Ariana pushes my glasses up to her head, pushing her loose curls out of her face. The swelling was significantly lower. The black and blue still prominent.
She looked over my shoulder with a horrified face. Panic rising I turn quickly.
“Oh my god ew, that cannot be sanitary.” In front of us by the window was a sex chair. My chest rises and falls, she really startled me. “Relax, If you’re so nervous you should keep the gun on you, Nevada is open carry you know. “
I look over my shoulder and shake my head. It was a good idea. I go back to the bags as Ariana lays down on the bed next to mine.
“Honeymoon suite with two beds, kind of dumb.” She moves up the bed. “Could we do something to kill time.”
I shake my head, removing the gun from the bag and placing it on the nightstand. “More room for those couples and no. Why am I taking you to Canada again?” I ask. It’s been on my mind and so has the bruise on her face. Despite the protectiveness of her father I’m not naive to think he had nothing to do with it.
She laughs, “Nasty, and I wish I knew. You look tired you should nap.”
“You gonna kill me in my sleep?” My hands on my hip, I am tired from driving, i’m anxious about tomorrow and I need a cig. She doesn’t laugh but instead looks away in annoyance. I’m assuming she didn’t like that joke. I sigh, bending down to remove my shoes. “I’ll nap. Just please don’t leave the room.” I climb into the bed.
She looks back at me, her face still solemn. Slightly shaking her head, “So who did my dad threaten? You’ve got no daughter? No girlfriend, was it a brother or was it your mom.” I felt she knew the answer deep inside, she heard my mothers shock over the phone, she even made fun of me for being a man child. Ariana confirms my inner voice, “Is it just you and your mom?”
“I live alone but yes I’m my moms only child.” I cross my arms, fully adjusting myself to the bed, why is that hotel sheets are tucked so tightly, I feel like i’m in a straight jacket.
I don’t really want to talk about this, not with her. “I’m not too interested in speaking to you If i’m being honest. I just want these weeks to pass.” I close my eyes.
There’s silence between us for a while. I try to sleep but I’m reminded of coke. I haven’t truly craved it but I’m not sure how I’ll react when I’m around it tomorrow. I was so good at hiding it. My mom never suspected a thing, she was suspicious to why all of my relationships failed. She hadn’t know that my first love was drugs. Even when I dated a girl I went to high school with when I was 26. She left me just 3 months in.
I was so high I never got sad. I actually don’t even remember much of that relationship. I don’t remember all of the club hook ups, I don’t even remember where and how me and Diana had sex. I just know it happened.
“I’ve never been around this sort of stuff, my dad has found ways to keep me away from him my whole life so I’m really scared about tomorrow.” Ariana cuts into my head. I turn to face her from my tired state, suddenly my chest caves for a moment.
I hated the thought of exposing people to crime in any capacity. I never spoke to my mother about my days at work. She isn’t looking at me back, she’s kind of just staring off like there’s a million thoughts in her head.
I didn’t know what to say. She was just 26 years old, which to many people isn’t that young but at 36, these things are extremely difficult.
“I-“ Fuck. “I won’t let you see anything bad.”
She does look to me this time, a smile slowly creeping. “Lack of sleep causes people to be delusional, sorry. I was just being dramatic go to sleep.”
My lips tighten in a line and I turn again.
“I’ll wake you at 5pm Clyde”
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His body instantly woke at 5. I was brushing my hair, trying to get any knots out of my hair. Having your head against a car seat, really could just mat your hair, and the spring breeze.
He really didn’t look so old to me. Being away for so long you almost forget that you aren’t a 19-year-old college student. I was 26, I’d like to think I’m free but this cross country road trip with a stranger is telling me otherwise.
I wasn’t afraid of him. My dad, he will do anything to keep me away even if it’s to the hands of someone who doesn’t have my best interest. He thinks being away from him is better than anything.
Javier reminded me of someone I knew when my dad allowed me to go to college. I begged him to go, he had me do high school at a catholic school in Utah , he visited me 3 times a year. My mom lived over there with me. He let me go with exceptions.
I couldn’t date, I couldn’t party and I sure as hell couldn’t do drugs.
When my brother Benji went, he sold my dads drugs on campus, bring my dad in nearly 5 grand a week at Tulane. But that was men’s business, not mine.
While I hated the idea that I was this precious doll that shouldn’t be involved, I was okay without the headache of not being safe. Being his daughter was unsafe enough. And he was scared ever since Gianna.
Javier reminded me of a boy on my dorm floor. His name was Eli. Despite me locking myself in my dorm with the cycle of class, dining hall, library and dorm room, he had found a way into my life. He denied having a crush on me but we both know that wasn’t true. I couldn’t date so it didn’t even matter if I liked him.
He looked a little like Javier, of course more boyish. He also was a bit of a momma’s boy but in the way that he had a better understanding of women than any men I met. I’ve only known Javier for a few hours sure, i’d like to think my judgement is correct. He’s already eased my nerves 3 times today and I know many men in his situation would just want to instill more fear in me.
“You hungry?” Javier asks from behind me. He had walked into the bathroom; I took a few steps away from him as he grabbed a cup of water swishing it in his mouth. Something in me sank. I lost something at that moment, I think a small bit of my sanity.
My hair now a large puff, I pulled it into a low bun. “Yeah, you can get anything I’ll pick out of it.” I walk out of the bathroom and sat on the bed. He stayed in the bathroom, he turned the sink back on and the sounds of aggressive brushing filled the room.
Jesus christ I am so nervous about tomorrow. I hope Javier really knew how to handle this, he was a big guy and he looked strong. I saw it when he scratched his neck downstairs, his arm flexing at the small action. I wondered if he’d kill someone if it came down to it. I’m sure he has, he worked for the DEA in California.
“Don’t leave the room I’ll be back.” Javier steps out the door before even waiting for me to agree, I think he knew I wouldn’t leave.
I turn over and open the bed side table seeing a bible I open it to see if there’s any hidden message or cash, saw it in a movie. Of course there was nothing. I just hope Javier hurry’s, I can’t be left alone in this boring room. The hotel was familiar, my dad kept a close look on me in college but the one thing I convinced him of was letting me come to Vegas for spring break. It was fun for the time being, it was the only time I got to loosen up. I stayed in a hotel room with my roommates Kelsey and Ivanna. It was such a culture shock for me that in retrospect I might’ve gone a little to “all out”. Me and my girls frequented the pool parties. We got so drunk I slipped in the pool and nearly drowned but once they grabbed ahold of my hand, my top had fallen off. The cheers from the frat boys thrilled me for 10 seconds, the next morning I promised to never drink ever again. So regrettable.
I also lost my virginity in a hotel in Vegas. Eli was on the Vegas trip, and we just let it happen. The next morning Kelsey tugged my blanket from my legs and jumped on my bed yelling a few choice words about me finally fucking Eli.
The fun was stopped the second Kelsey posted a picture to her Instagram of me and her in bikinis. My dad pulled me out of school, my mom says it’s because pictures like that just make me a larger target to the people who are against him. For the longest I thought it was just because I was half naked. I knew next stop was Arizona which is where I have been residing until this year when I came back home. Kelsey and Ivanna were still roommates to this day, we kept in contact, but it was hard. It was hard to explain to them everything that would happen in my life so suddenly.
Javier walked back into the room with a bag. “It’s like a sampler meal from the restaurant, I’m eating the wings though.”
I climbed out of the bed and sat at the small table next to the large window. He sat too, his legs wide, so wide. I was shameful in admitting that since he sat in car I wondered if he had someone waiting for him at home. He seemed like the type to have many on his roster, but it was much more romantic to imagine he would go home from work to just one girl. I start picking at my food, not shying from stuffing my face. It was my first meal, he wasn’t shy either, but I could feel his gaze while I ate. His legs were long, long enough for our knees to touch at the small two-seater round table.
I wondered if he would give up the tight 70s cop wardrobe, it looked awfully good on him. The tight-fitting jeans.
“I’m going to shower”
A cold one.
--------------
Most of the night she tried to ask me small questions about myself in which I ignored.
“Why aren’t you married?”
“What was your biggest drug bust?”
“How long did it take for you to grow out that mustache?”
“Does your clothes always have to fit so tight?”
That question caused me to snap my head to her, she already had a smile on her face knowing that was going to be the one. I’ve never been picked on for my choice of clothing, it was dated but I thought it looked good on me.
Her scent after her shower filled the room, I would be a liar if I said it didn’t calm my nerves in the slightest. She packed her own wash; the scent was chocolate-y not something I was too fond of until today. She rested in a silk pajama set; I lay in my jeans and t-shirt- fearing that if we get put in any danger at least I’ll be clothed. Her questions weren’t consecutive. She let many minutes pass before asking another as we both faced the small television playing The Office.
It was 8 now, I was far from being drowsy and with her questions I’m doubtful she’s falling asleep any time soon.
After an hour and 5 questions with no answers I gave in. Sitting up straight, looking at the gun on the nightstand between us. “Question for a question.” I state.
Ariana fully and swiftly turns her entire body to face me. Sitting criss-crossed in the bed adjacent to me. “Okay.” She nearly squeaks and it annoys me how excited she is. Nosy.
“What body wash did you use?” That sounded creepy as fuck, I realize when she jolts her head back for a second and blinks. “Sorry, the smell is just super strong.”
Ariana shakes her head, “It’s just posh chocolate, it’s lush you weirdo. You can use it if you want.” I look down at her knees, they were scraped, and I hadn’t noticed. “My turn, who’s your favorite singer?”
My brows furrow, it was a tough one. What a silly question. My brain raked down the list of concerts I’ve been to, songs I’ve listened to on my way to work and music I’ve bought. There was one good answer, “Donny Hathaway.” Lowly I admit, wishing I could listen to some of his music in this moment instead of conversing.
Despite the low laugh track from the tv, it was quiescent.
In an instant, a pillow is thrown at my face. “What the fuck?” I rub my face and throw the pillow back at Ariana who has a grin on her face.
“Javier, my favorite singer is Amy Winehouse, Donny is like her idol.” She hugs the pillow close to her chest. It was late, she must be losing her mind.
“I-don’t care, don’t throw shit at me?” I shout slightly and her shoulders sink for a moment. She lets go of the pillow and continues to get comfortable in the bed, signaling that our game was over. I groan, “Ariana, my bad I-what’s your favorite song by her.”
Her back turned to me, “It’s her cover of We’re Still Friends by Donny Hathaway, that’s why I got excited Dick.” I could see the back of her head shaking.
——--
My back was facing him again. Unkind, maybe that was just in his bones. Most men were like that, unkind. I thought we were finally getting along, I was so desperate for any sort of connection. We’re Still Friends played on my way to Arizona the second time. I will always remember it as the song that started the worst part of my story, yet I held it so close to me.
Javier speaks again, “When I got fired a few months ago I stopped seeing my partner who I was also sleeping with, I listened to Love is a Losing game like 24 times while drunk, crying. I wasn’t even in love with her I’m just a really, really dramatic drunk.” His voice was so low and sincere. His eyebrows furrowed and focused. My lips twitched instantly.
I couldn’t control the laughs that fell from my lips. His serious look fading the instant I started laughing. His eyes disappear as he grinned. How could someone look so good. How two people could create someone so beautiful. How lucky he got. “For you I was a flame” I half sing between laughs.
He fakes a wince and covers his face, “please don’t it hurts too much.” Javier jokes. My giggles uncontrollable and his laugh rich and loud. I wish he would put his hands down so I could see what he looked in this state longer
The laughing stopped a bit ago and we were back to silence and staring at the tv. I looked at him for a few seconds knowing his expressions so well already. He felt as if he had just over-stepped making me laugh like that. For some reason it made me sick.
I had only known him for a few hours, yet my curiosity was already consuming me. I didn’t want to sleep, I feel like I’d be wasting time. Time I could use to get to know him.
My curiosity has been something I’ve held so close to me, but I was never allowed to express. When I was young, and I caught my dad packing coke in his room. I was curious what would have happened if that was the moment, he decided to involve me. Of course, I was packed up and sent to Utah the next week. Curious of what his life would have been like if Gianna was found, I wouldn’t be here that’s for sure.
Most of my curiosity was made from what-if scenarios in my head. I was never curious enough to physically act on it of course.
I spent most of my teen years just daydreaming. I dreamt of doing the things I wasn’t allowed to do. Concerts was a big one. When I was 16 Amy Winehouse was on tour.
The answer was no. I swear I cried for days, and I cried for weeks when she died.
I daydreamed about being in a relationship. I wasn’t allowed to date so every boy I liked felt like my world was going to end. Christian that lived 6 houses down, Ryan from church and especially Eli from campus. It all felt like the end of the world.
I remembered the night my mom told me my dad was arranging a marriage for my brother. There was that sick and twisted curiosity that struck down my back. I went to bed smiling at the idea, the idea of having someone for myself even it was arranged. That there was a possibility to have something normal, to be with someone, regardless of the start. And being able to be far from my dad. I was 19 and I asked a few of my high school friends if they know anyone who was arranged.
“Well my parents are from Albania, its super common they worked out so well. Most of the couples in my family were, only one of them got divorced so it can’t be so bad.” Davina from calculus explained with a mouth full of food. Her friend Dariella next to her nodding.
“My parents are Mormon and got arranged. They don’t like hate each other, why are you asking anyway? Granted lots of older men were just more chivalrous and respectful to women then, I can’t think of one man good enough for me.” Her eyes narrow after they had just been drifting away thinking about all the men she knew. “Your dad got someone for you? Boys this generation are God awful, you better hope he’s at least over 28”
I recall telling them he wasn’t. But they gave me hope in a place where no normal person should find hope. There shouldn’t be hope there. I know that at 26 but at 19 I dreamt of it.
I just wanted to dream.