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It hurt. It hurt so much, to see Fredrika being free and so so happy with Alexander. It pained her, as if a thousand pins were stabbing her right in the centre of her heart. Stella was happy for her best friend, truly, but she could only pretend for so long.
She had drunkenly confessed to Fredrika a week back, high on alcohol and the radiance of her best friend. It went as well as she had expected, Fredrika had awkwardly, but not unkindly, rejected her and had completely forgotten about it the next morning. Stella, in hopes of guarding her utterly broken heart, decided not to bring it up. She decided to live with the painstaking fact that her best friend would never be hers and that she would have to pine from afar, just like how she had done all these years. She could do that, she hoped.
The gang was finally in their third year. Wilhelm and Simon were going as strong as ever, Henry and Walter had somehow managed to figure out their mutual attraction for each other, Nils and Vincent had this very weird homoerotic, friends with benefits thing going on (which no one understood), Felice and Sara had sorted their shit out and were friends again, Madison had started going out with one of Simon’s friends - Rosh. And finally, the relationship that shook Stella to her core, Fredrika had started dating Alexander. They had only been together for a few days, but Stella, being Fredrika’s best friend, knew that the brunette had been in love with the boy for the better half of the past year or so. Despite how much it hurt for her to admit it, Stella could see that they made a good couple. Alexander was gentle and kind, and treated Fredrika with the respect and adoration she deserved. Stella also understood the logical part of their relationship though she chose not to dwell on that too much.
It was among the last few parties of the year, just before their finals started, and Stella was genuinely looking forward to spending the evening with her friends and getting completely wasted. She figured she deserved the break after having to listen to Fredrika fawn over Alexander for god knows how long. Her fragile heart could only handle so much before she desperately, inevitably, unfortunately kissed Fredrika in a moment of queer panic and she figured she’d rather be mindlessly drunk when it happened. The lesser Stella remembered about her best friend’s lips, the better.
Stella lasted for about ten minutes before she had to go outside and vomit. Whether it was due to the copious amounts of vodka she had consumed both during and before the party, or whether it was seeing Fredrika being mushy and making out with Alexander from the moment the neon lights shone upon them and the blasting music reached their ears, was still undecided. It was probably a mix of both, not that Stella had half the mind-power to comprehend all this at the moment. She was too busy puking her guts out to notice the lone figure standing behind her. It was only when it started speaking that she realised that it was none other than Henry. Of course it was Henry, it’s always fucking Henry.
Look, she loved that kid like a brother, but sometimes his knack for showing up at places unexpectedly during rather personal moments was not something Stella appreciated. The amount of times Henry had been audience to her just staring at Fredrika during their English classes was honestly concerning. But right now, she was glad that he was here, and had enough sense in him to hold back her hair as she emptied her stomach’s contents. When she was done, he gave her a bottle of water, which she downed in record speed and joined her where she was sitting.
“Hej, you alright now?” Henry asked her, finally breaking the silence creeping up on them. While she appreciated the attempt at conversation, she didn’t really know how to answer the question.
“Oh uh yeah, I guess,” she replied vaguely instead. “Must’ve been the shots, probably had too much.” she said, shrugging her shoulders. She could sense that Henry wanted to prod at her further, but thankfully kept his mouth shut.
Alas, one’s luck only lasted so long.
“So, Fredrika huh?” he asked her a mere second later, with an understanding smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Definitely saw that coming from a mile away, but you don’t look too good. So I’m taking it didn’t go well?”
“I- what!” Stella all but screeched. “How in the actual fuck did you know? Was I that obvious? And more importantly, how have you kept quiet about it? Like I thought that you knowing was a guarantee that the whole school would, especially after the incident with Wilhelm and Felice.”
“Hey! That was one time, and for the record, I only told Walter, alright?” Henry retorted defensively. “I know you’re trying to distract me, it wont work. Now spill.”
Stella sighed, giving into his questions. She was but a weak woman with a weaker emotional stability. So she spoke, she spoke of the late nights of deep yearning, the days when Fredrika would plague her mind throughout, the gentle moments shared between them, the whispered secrets and the hushed drunken kisses in dim lit corners. She poured her entire heart out to the boy sitting next to her. Years of pining and frustration laid out for judgement in front of calm blue eyes. She could feel the weight fall off her shoulders, as if it were tangible. Sharing this deep secret, her most sacred one, with another person felt downright frightening. No one had seen this part of her fully, not even Fredrika. So what compelled her to confess to Henry, she would never know. But she was thankful, because Henry was one of the kindest people she had ever met, and her friendship with him had only blossomed further after they both had come out to each other. She knew that no matter what, he was sure to be there for her. Yet doubt lingered, it always did.
Henry being the absolute, precious gem that he was, crushed that doubt without a single thought. The moment Stella was done talking, she found herself being pulled into a bone crushing hug and filled with so much warmth and acceptance, that she couldn’t help but cry. She never knew that she needed this, needed this love and care for just existing and being who she was. It felt refreshing to let go and just be. Just be the sapphic heartbroken mess that she was, and be accepted for it.
When she was finally done crying, Henry spoke. “So uh- that was something huh? Pretty gay if I do say so myself,” he said. And Stella laughed, she couldn’t help but do so. Of course those were the words he would utter after Stella practically spilled her heart out to him. But she knew, she knew that this was his way of saying that he understood, that he saw her for all that she was and that she was ok. She knew and that was all that Stella needed at that moment.
Henry spoke again, his words surprising Stella. “Hey, for real though, we’re friends alright? I always got your back.” Stella had to refrain from crying so damn hard. She refused to tear up for the second time in less than thirty minutes. Hearing those words from Henry felt life-changing. Sure she was part of a tight-knit friends group and the girls were literally the best thing to happen to her. But also it was those exact tight-knit friendships that led to her suppressing her feelings for years, and the fact that she had people who cared for her outside of her little circle warmed her to the core.
She sobered up and went back inside along with Henry after a few minutes. He made sure that she was okay multiple times before he found his way back to his own boyfriend who seemed more than happy to have the ginger back at his side. Stella felt all gooey watching them, she was immensely glad that Henry got to have this, got to have what she couldn’t, that he got to be in love with his best friend in a way she never could. Seeing Fredrika again was without a doubt soul-crushing, but this time, she felt at peace with it. Sure it would take her months, maybe even years to get over the love she felt for her best friend, but knowing that she had people in her corner, who understood her and would stick with her no matter what came their way, was a comfort she had never known before (save for Fredrika).
Stella didn't have to be broken all by herself, she had friends to accompany her on her journey and help her back up despite the times she would fall. And that knowledge was enough for her to step into the party with a genuine smile and let herself be immersed in the lights and the music.