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The Captain sat behind her desk, absentmindedly staring at the memo on her computer screen. Her mind was far off, reminiscing on the events of the last few days. The regret she feels. The anger at herself. Regret . Why would you tell him about the victim? You know better, you are better! Anger. Why would you sleep with him? That glass was very close, why would you put yourself in a situation like that? You’ve known what kind of man he is for a long time!
She comes back to herself when steady wet drops fall to her hands. Olivia quickly wipes the tears away, hoping no one can see her reddened face from the bullpen, as her cruel mind tormented her with facts. You’re running. Running from him . You ran. Ran from the man that actually loves you, and wants to take you and your son out for lunch; dinner. Who invites you to be a part of his family once again, because he wants all of you. You ran! Right into the arms of a predator.
She sobs at the thought. The evergrowing, soul-crushing regret and disgust threatening to overtake her. Tears fall fast and freely now, too frequent to wipe completely away, as silent cries pour from her.
You ran from the man who would snap Burton Lowe like a twig if he ever found out about that close encounter with a whiskey tumbler.
The voice in her mind morphed from her own, into one that she was very familiar with when it came to words of belittlement. Serena . You let that man touch you. You regressed and you let that man touch you! To use you. All so he can what? Throw you away when he was done? You should be ashamed because it’s shameful.
Memo and possible onlookers forgotten, Olivia broke right where she sat. Body-wracking sobs and choked wails caught her team's attention, prompting her Sergeant to jump into action.
“Liv? What is it? What’s wrong?” Fin closed the door behind him, headed to draw the blinds closed, sparing her from any further embarrassment later. The shaken woman barely registered the new presence, until he placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, spinning her chair towards him. The Captain fell into him at once, taking him by surprise.
“You’ve been acting off for three days, telling me to leave it alone, because you’re fine. This isn’t fine. Is it Stabler, did he say something? Do you want me to beat his ass? Is it this Lowe thing? Do you want me to beat his ass? Because I have been waiting to ever since I learned how you two know each other.” Fin tried to gather answers as he rubbed her back, trying to not be awkward because this is not them.
“I need to leave.” Her tiny, muffled voice floated to his ears.
“What did you say?” The Sergeant lifted her head so they were looking each other in the eye. His heart broke at the litter of emotions swirling in her drowning irises. Pain. Uncertainty. Regret. Disdain. The most prominent that flowed from her eyes and was sprawled across her face with every swipe at tears, self-hatred.
“I need to leave.” Her breaths ragged as she tries to compose herself. “I need– I can’t– I have to speak. I have to let this out and I don’t how.” The usually strong woman had reached her limit. Folding in on herself, a frail comparison to the lioness that is Olivia Benson.
“I gotchu. You know I gotchu. Do you want to go to the studio? You can yell as loud as you want in the booth?”
—----------------------------------
After fielding so many questions, Fin finally managed to get the rest of the squad out of the precinct so he could get Liv out without her being pestered. 30 minutes later, she’s sulking around in the recording booth. Hands sliding distractedly across the instruments, no real effort being made to create a melody. The deafening silence bringing her peace. Olivia finally sat at the, seemingly out-of-place, grand piano in the corner of the room. She fiddled with a few keys, frown still firmly planted on her face, tears threatening to spill.
The men sat quietly watching her after Fin filled Damian in on all the details he had.
Olivia finally seems to find a tune that she is happy with and starts softly vocalizing.
Love, love, hey
No
She plays with the keys a bit more before her voice sounds again, more sure this time. Damian hits record, not wanting her to lose any progress or lyrics that she likes.
All by myself
Can't share my heart
With no one else
Her voice and the music end. Olivia sits, willing the tears to stay in. Willing the right words to flow effortlessly. She needs to create, instead of destroy like these past few days. Giving into her emotions, she plays the piano through blurry vision.
So I sit alone and reflect
On everything I regret
But in the silence I have found my solace
She pauses, taking a centering breath. A few more “stop and go” sessions take place before she’s finally composed herself enough to focus on just the music and not all the thoughts invading her mind. This time, her hands dance effortlessly across the keys with conviction. She’s ready to let her feelings spill into the song. Ready to face her mistakes.
Love, love, hey
No
No need for meal with choices
I'll just have my favorite
No, it's not a special occasion, I'm treatin' myself
Or what's left of it
Just a view of my reflection
No room for doubt or second guessin'
This is your safe space. This is who you are. Nothing can hurt you here but yourself. Whatever you create here will be amazing because you put in the work. The mantra Damian and Fin made her come up with when she was unsure of herself and her works back in the day.
I got my fork and my knife (My fork and knife)
And this table napkin to wipe the tears from my eyes
(Wipe the tears from my eyes)
So I've made this reservation for me alone
“You know, that– that means we–,” David whispered.
“I know.” Olivia tried to keep her voice steady. “Us…this… never happened.”
Table for one
All by myself
Can't share my heart
With no one else
“I saw Cassidy. He looks like someone ran over his puppy.”
“What do you want, Fin?” She asked the man that welcomed himself into her office.
“Just to make sure your puppy is alive and kicking.” He joked pulling a smile from her.
“She’s… trying to move on.”
You didn't reserve it
So you don't deserve it
I need to undo what's been done
“You can’t take it back, Liv! He knows already. You have just made her even more of a target.” Carisi argued with the Captain. “Whatever Burton Lowe does with that information is on you.”
I'm not able to love
So I got a table for one
La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
With patrons all around me
Patience hasn't found me
So I sit alone and reflect
On everything I regret
“I was 16…you were 21…”
“Do you remember the first time we had sex? I do.”
“And the other night, are you gonna change the narrative there, too…” Burton argued back.
The shatter of the glass shook her more than she would have expected. The closed door, her only protector in that moment.
But in the silence I have found my solace
I don't have much fight left
That's why I came here by myself
Her voice cracks as the cries make it harder to speak. To focus.
I'm at this fork in my life (I'm at a fork in my life)
And heartbreak is hard to swallow
That's why I chase it with wine (Chase it with wine)
So I've made this reservation for me alone
“You’re gonna retire?”
“...Hopefully, with somebody like you.”
"You know, maybe we're in different places right now… I have this little boy who needs me, who needs his mother…”
"He has to be your priority right now," Tucker said. "I get that, I do."
And that was that.
Table for one
All alone, as usual.
All by myself
You push everyone who cares for you away.
Can't share my heart
With no one else
No one else but you, but not even with you, Elliot Stabler. You may break it again.
You didn't reserve it
So you don't deserve it
You left me when I needed you most.
I need to undo what's been done
I'm not able to love
So I got a table for one
“You don’t know how many people are telling me to stay away from this. Away from you.”
“Who said that? Who’s telling you that?”
“And I think we should… stay apart for a while.” Olivia gives as a goodbye.
La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
La-la-la-la
Oh, dim lights with a full plate
Self-lovin' me with no hate
You are the strongest person you know. Who else has been through what you’ve been through and survived? Thrived? Didn’t let the weight of the evil in this world drag you under? Olivia encouraged herself.
Maybe I'm not that bad
To set another date
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Sometimes your judgment can get clouded and that’s okay.
I'm lookin' at this bill that I gotta pay
Sometimes I just need faith
You can’t change the past but you can damn sure learn from it and not make the same errors. You have to keep your head up and believe in yourself.
Ooh, in conversation, have a mini realization, yeah
You are Olivia Benson. The one and only. You play by your own rules. Set the standards. You are the blueprint. You are the best at what you do, never doubt that. You are loved and you are worthy of love. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Lean on someone for God’s sake. You may be superwoman to some but you are still human. Remember that before you shatter.
Table for one (Table for one), yeah
All by myself, myself
Can't tear my heart
With no one else
(You didn't deserve it)
Didn't reserve it
I love you, and I want to be with you but I need time and so do you. We’ll get it when the time is right. Olivia sent up a tiny message, praying Elliot somehow got it.
(So you don't deserve it)
So you don't deserve it
I'm not ready to love
So I got a table for one
The studio goes quiet as the music fades out. Olivia takes one last sniffle, finally feeling like a weight has been lifted and she can think clearly again. She walks from the booth to be greeted by two tear-stained faces, looking at her with worry. Damian struggles to form a coherent sentence, puffs of air meant to be words the only thing falling from his lips.
“I don’t think you’re okay , Liv,” Fin spoke up.
“I’m not, Fin. Not yet anyway.” She gives him a resigned smile.