Work Text:
Han Jisung loves few things in this life. He loves music, the members of his group, the carnation flower, and Christopher Bang, his leader and friend. While everyone faithfully believed that the rapper is in love with the second eldest in the group, Minho was nothing but his whining diary, his shoulder to cry on and talk about how much of a fag he is for Bang. And Lee, like a good friend, let the boy vent, even though he thought people in love were annoying, he knew he couldn't judge him, after all, he did even worse when the subject was Hwang Hyunjin. And Jisung, even though he was tired, couldn't help but listen to the older boy complaining about the boy's forced hiatus; after all, they are each other's diary of lamentations.
For the rapper, it's complicated having to spend a good part of his day with the leader, being two workaholics, just like Changbin, because he knew that Chris didn't see him as anything more than a little brother. And this feeling causes him pain, makes him anxious. Ironically, the one who welcomed him and helped him through his anxiety crises was the very one who caused them. He feels safe in his older brother's arms and is soothed by the natural smell of his skin, while at the same time his heartbeat speeds up and he feels suffocated by the desire to tell him about his love.
It was no surprise to you when the first symptoms came. The dry cough caught the attention of the other two members of the 3racha, but the boy assured them it was no big deal. They did not protest, knowing how stubborn the younger one is. Then came the nausea, which made the Danceracha members worried and Minho knew that Jisung was not well. It was a matter of days before the boy had difficulty breathing, especially during dance practices, and this was enough for the older Lee to drag him to a doctor.
Jisung hates hospitals, medicine, and having to do tests. He hates it even more because he knows he worries his friends about it, so seeing Minho holding back tears when the doctor told him about the possible diseases Han may have contracted, hurt. The rapper took the prescribed medication and rested as instructed, helping with the compositions and the training in whatever way he could, but he lacked air when he needed to sing or rap, so he understood that the medication was not helping him as it should.
The boy sighed, knowing what decision he would make about his own life, when he started coughing up carnation petals, which were stained by his blood. He didn't want to go back to the doctor, he felt weak as eating was becoming a difficult task, but he tried to eat so as not to worry his friends so much. He tried not to show how tired and weak he was feeling, after all, he knew they would try to change his decision. Han would rather die than have to erase his memories with hyung, he didn't want to make the boys go through the loss of having him leave the group for simply not knowing who Bang Chan is and what they lived through together. He didn't want to hurt his friend in this way.
He enjoyed the time he still had with his boys, watching them work during the day, and at night he lay on the couch with his head in Christopher's lap. The eight of them stayed there watching romantic comedy movies, with the leader petting Han's hair. Felix and Minho would make them something to eat, and then he would wage war against his own body to be able to eat at least a little, even though he knew he would throw up afterwards along with the flowers. Of course he didn't like to have to hide his condition from his friends, because picking the petals and the flowers, and then getting rid of the rest of them was a lot of work, and he wasn't one to hide things from them. But she wanted to spare them that. He even thought about leaving the dormitory and waiting for death somewhere else, but he wanted to enjoy his short time.
When bedtime came, he knew that Chan stood in the doorway of his room, next to Minho, like concerned parents wanting to watch over their child's sleep. Han knew that this was what was killing him. Knowing that he would only be seen as the younger brother or a son. And as much as they suspected that the leader has little interest in girls, Bang's sexuality had always been a mystery. And Jisung blamed himself for not being able to love Chan the way he loves him, no romantic interests, just a sibling love.
He felt the fear hit him when, one early morning, he got up and threw up a larger amount of flowers, almost able to form a bouquet. He locked himself in the bathroom and cried alone, thinking about how he would say goodbye to his family, how he would explain to the boys why he was leaving them. He didn't go back to bed, but he knew that someone was on the other side of the bathroom door, sitting on the floor, waiting for him to open the door and let his feelings flow out into an outburst. At dawn, she found the leader asleep sitting in the doorway and felt the tears streaming down her cheeks as she thought about how she was causing him worry.
He locked himself in the studio that afternoon, alone with his thoughts, Han knew he had to start saying goodbye. He wrote a song, saying goodbye to his fans and thanking them. He would record it the next day, so he dedicated himself to writing eight goodbye letters, one of which was addressed to his parents. He asked the deities that when the time came, at least he wouldn't feel pain. He didn't want to let the boys notice that he was suffering, and if possible, he would like to make the passage in his sleep, to save the boys from trying to save him. He didn't know if anyone could read his letters, the pen ink was smudged, from the first one, in several pieces because of the tears.
When the bouquets appeared, he had no way to hide. Minho was the first to notice, and seeing his support losing strength from seeing him in that state made his structures collapse even more. The elder Lee doesn't cry in front of them, but that day, he collapsed, as did each of the members when they saw the bouquet of white carnations stained by blood. He felt guilty for making them cry, even though he was being enveloped in tear-filled group hugs. He had failed to spare them pain. He had hurt them. He made Minho promise not to tell them about his unrequited passion, he didn't want to put this weight on Chan's shoulders, even more so knowing how much weight he put on his own shoulders. He apologized to Bang for giving him even more trouble, knowing how complicated things would be when he died, and laughed sadly when the older man just told him to stop talking nonsense.
That night they moved the furniture out of the living room and put the mattresses there, promising that they would sleep with Han every night so that he wouldn't be lonely with his flowers smothering him. And he fell asleep crying in Christopher's arms, who didn't even know what to say to comfort him.
Chan arranged a small vacation for them, due to the rapper's condition, so that they could better enjoy their time together. Jisung was not wearing his own clothes anymore, all too baggy because of the weight he had lost, and because of the cold he felt, he preferred to wear Bang's clothes, trying to cover himself with the feeling of protection that the older man brought him.
The leader felt his heart squeeze as he saw Jisung all tucked up in his sweatshirts, sitting on the couch fighting with Hyunjin as if he wasn't dying for unrequited love. He felt helpless knowing that there was nothing he could do to help him, so he tried hard to distract him from the pain that coughing and vomiting flowers caused. Seungmin had become less nagging in the last few days as well, helping to try and soften the funereal atmosphere that formed in the house whenever Jisung ran off to the bathroom. And Jeongin was doing his best to give Han all the affection he always asked for, not that he denied it before, he just stopped pretending that he didn't like having the little squirrel hanging around him and kissing his cheeks.
They were spoiling Jisung, as if he was going to leave at any moment and well, who could judge them? Since the boy refused to go to a hospital to have his last breaths, or try to prolong his life, they could only pamper and care for him in whatever way was possible. Han handed all the little cards and the recorded music on a flash drive to Changbin and asked that hyung open it only after his funeral. He also informed Seo that Minho would know what to do about it. He didn't want to throw this responsibility on Christopher's shoulders and knew that after him, Minho and Changbin are the most responsible and focused.
He woke up that Friday morning feeling a strong wave of discomfort, got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door open. He tried to cough and vomit, but the feeling of something stuck in his throat, preventing the passage of anything, only got worse. He sat down on the floor and cried silently, pulling up the hood of his sweatshirt to cover himself with the smell of the owner of the garment. Chan felt an emptiness on the mattress and woke up in alertness, he made his way towards the lit bathroom light and sat down next to little Han, hugging him. He asked what he was feeling, but Jisung could only feel the air getting smaller and smaller, and when he forced a cough again, only petals came out, but the feeling was still there. And it was long minutes, with Christopher completely frightened, not knowing how to help the younger man, who slowly lost consciousness and let himself be carried away by death, while suffocating with a bouquet of carnations in his throat.
Bang Chan tried heart massage, mouth-to-mouth breathing, did everything he knew to try to keep Han's pulse going, but didn't call the ambulance because he knew he didn't want to be taken to the hospital. And when the boy's body stopped beating, the older man allowed the tears to flow without any restriction, hugging the already lifeless rapper. Han died smiling, even though he was crying and in pain, he was smiling because he was in his hyung's arms and felt at peace with the decision he had made.