Chapter Text
Nolan realises that he’s in love with his brothers at different points in their teenage years. The four of them had always been close, that was guaranteed because of their upbringing, relying on each other a lot of the time. There was an unbreakable bond between them, a comfortable affection that they shared.
Nolan found himself wanting more.
***
It’s when Adam is looking at the stars one night that Nolan realises he’s in love with him. The way Adam’s eyes shine in the moonlight, how his whole face lights up when he talks about space. The way he leans into Nolan’s body pressed against him, without a second thought.
Nolan knows that it’s romantic love, because all he can think about is kissing Adam, cradling his head in his hands, kissing him slowly. Holding hands as they walk down the street, saying I Love You and meaning it in the wrong way.
If only Adam wasn’t his brother.
If only Nolan didn’t feel so ashamed about his feelings, his overwhelming adoration for his own brother.
Part of it, a vain part of Nolan realises, is the way Adam looks at him, with those wide eyes. Like Nolan was a star in the sky, something to admire and learn more about. Nolan wants to wake up to that every day, if he can.
It fits every description of love he’s ever read about, every stereotypical depiction in tv shows and films. Butterflies in his stomach, heart skipping a beat, daydreaming about kissing Adam. He’s one step away from doodling a little heart in his notebook, he knows it.
But Nolan knows he can’t act on his feelings for Adam, his own brother. So he keeps it to himself, knowing what he feels is wrong, labelling it as brotherly affection, as being overprotective. Tells himself that he’s supposed to love his brother, of course he is.
Nolan does the same thing when he realises he feels the same for Will. Comforting him after a nightmare, holding him in his arms in the bathroom, Will shaking and sweating.
Nolan can feel the familiar pull, the familiar affection that isn’t quite appropriate, so he buries it. He fights the urge to kiss Will, to kiss away his fears and help soothe him and calm him down.
He kisses Will on the forehead, an actual show of brotherly affection that he often does with all of his brothers, and hates how his heart races, how a small voice in the back of his mind tells him to kiss Will on the lips.
He can’t.
Nolan tells himself, over and over, that it’s brotherly love, that’s all it is. He’s just an overly affectionate person, that’s all. Family members kiss all the time, they do it in Europe, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Until he dreams one night of kissing Will, pulling his brother into his lap, kissing him in a way that’s not brotherly. He wakes with a start, tells himself that it’s a dream, it doesn’t mean anything.
He forgets, buries it completely.
Until the same thing happens with Bobby.
They sleep in the same beds, the two sets of twins. A way to save space in their bedrooms in their small home, and it's not weird between them. It feels like the most natural thing in the world, and it’s not sexual.
So when Nolan wakes one sunday morning to find Bobby had taken his shirt off at some point in the night, his heart races. It was summer, and a particularly hot one at that. But they usually all slept clothed, to make things less awkward, especially as they were teenagers.
Nolan couldn’t help but stare at Bobby’s bare chest, the faint tan, the muscles. A bruise or a scar here and there from a fight, because it was Bobby after all.
Nolan imagined himself running his hands over the faint smattering of chest hair he could see, of running his tongue down the muscles of Bobby’s stomach, of kissing every inch of skin.
He wanted to do much more than that, but those were thoughts he wouldn’t even let himself think about. Bobby was handsome, he could see it. And Nolan felt a small pang of jealousy for whoever Bobby ended up with, who would wake up to that face every day, who would get to kiss him and not feel guilty. Because Nolan wanted to.
The guilt was eating at Nolan slowly, and he could feel himself start to distance from his brothers, lest he go too far one day or say the wrong thing. He was wrong, he shouldn’t be like this. Shouldn’t be in love with his own brothers, and he knew it.
Nolan resigned himself to a life on his own, never acting on his feelings and remaining distant from his brothers, for their own sakes. Because if they ever found out he was sure they would hate him, cast him out forever, look at him in disgust for holding romantic and sexual feelings for his own brothers.
He never imagined how wrong he was.