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To Erwin’s surprise, and utter elation, Levi’s last-moment chore—making sure his office is shut up tight—doesn’t end with his permanent disappearance. They planned for Levi to stay tonight, as they’ve done a few times before, only Levi has expressed his reluctance to sleep beside another person.
Erwin is confident his inexperience is a part of his… finicky-ness (sort of like a cat), but Levi’s continuing unease and anxiety to spending nights in one bed sits a little more wrong with Erwin each time it happens. It took a week of working late—leaving his door open to him so to speak—for Levi to finally take his invite this evening. He’s inclined to wonder now, if it’s something Erwin is doing to discomfort Levi. Otherwise, Erwin would call the rest of, their relationship, or—or him and Levi, what they have, wonderful.
Erwin raises a brow at his final reappearance in the slim doorway. Levi took additional time doing something in Erwin’s connected office, most likely rechecking the locks as he does, but now he’s here!—Dressed for sleep, too. Loose sleepwear adorns his lithe frame, including socks. The door clicks shut behind him.
Then he stops. “You waited up?”
“Well yes, of course.” Erwin nods, as if this was obvious. “You’d navigate the bedroom in total darkness otherwise…. You took your time.”
Levi frowns, and crosses his arms. Yet he approaches as he says, “What’d you think I was gonna do? Just leave?”
“Yes,” Erwin replies, reclining. “But I’m thankful you’re where you are now.”
‘Where he is now’ is sat on the side of the bed. With a gentle, resigned sigh, he crawls over Erwin to be up against the wall, and rests on his side with his back to it.
He feels shitty for Erwin thinking that, and worse that he can’t blame him. Genuinely, he says, “I’m here. This better?”
Erwin says back, “Much,” followed by the bed creaking with his movements. Levi readies himself, or, is he looking forward to it?—being smothered in Erwin’s arms, but he merely touches his cheek as he kisses his hair before resting again on his back, the same as before.
Now Levi’s face is hot—the blankets even seem like a sauna suddenly. He rolls his pillow to the cool side, and lays his head down, smushing his cheek in. It’s the finest silk, fluffy and thick. Almost too nice for the Survey Corps, even the Commander.
The Commander rests not a foot away from him, breathing at ease, but Levi can tell he isn’t asleep yet.
He’s filled with a sudden longing. They’re in the same bed, but not touching. How to explain to Erwin that it’s not that he doesn’t want to sleep here because of him (that’s the whole fucking reason Levi has been up for this in the first place), but that’s the way he’s always done things. Sleep forces your guard down. Makes you slower to react in clothes like this. Laying down anyhow leaves you open to attack.
But I like where I am right now.
But he chews on his lip, in case Erwin is somewhere close to sleep. It’s not very easy to come by for Erwin, either. No one in the Corps sees restful nights much.
Going into this at all, Levi had accepted that he’d be up most of the night, too antsy at being in a new place, dressed down like this to drift off even to nap. But… he became less nervous over time; he could lay still. He’d sleep dreamlessly for longer than his routine hour-long shifts. It’s comfortable. Erwin is comfortable.
Like now, he likes Erwin’s proximity to him here, like a powerful barrier separating Levi from the rest of the room. A warmth blooms on the inside. He feels safe.
Though they should be situated the other way around if an assassin busted in or something. Levi is quicker.
Huh. Maybe he should check the locks one more time. Maybe he forgot one.
No, he remembers he got them all. Even the locked bottom drawer on Erwin’s desk. He’s just unsure.
It’s better to be safe than dead, though. If he does so twice more, since he did it twice before coming in here, then that’d guarantee that Erwin is safe.
Trying the locks in case a few are weak, stuck or faulty, that’s important too. He quit it after learning that cheap locks are much more common Underground than Above, but there’s always a chance.
He plans in his head. Four knobs, eight handles including the windows. Check locks twice more, then try each knob four times, four times for four knobs, eight for the handles. That feels right.
But then again, the handles go up and down, knobs twist left and right—he has to double everything, yeah. Yeah.
Levi blinks. What if he wasted all this fucking time in his thoughts that someone got inside while he wasn’t paying attention? What if there’s someone inside right now? There’s always a non-zero chance. A silver switchblade is closed, pinned between his sock and ankle if so. But Erwin, the mountain of a man, blocks Levi’s line of sight.
He strains his hearing. Besides the faraway, muffled almost, nighttime hums of crickets, he hears Erwin’s slow, peaceful breathing loudest of all. He’s out cold.
Erwin has no idea how down his guard is right now. Levi could strangle him to death, or suffocate him with the pillow under his head, or snap his neck. It’d be so easy, even if he didn't use his full strength.
But he doesn’t want to fucking do that what the fuck? Why would that enter his mind? It’s Erwin. Levi would hurt himself before Erwin ever gets hurt, period. Why would he think that? He wouldn't hurt Erwin. He doesn't want that.
In his sleep, is it possible he’ll somehow get startled, and strangle Erwin to death while he’s having a nightmare, instinctively? Levi has never had a nightmare sleeping with Erwin because he simply hasn’t slept long or deep enough.
That could change tonight.
Levi swallows, feeling a little short of breath now. He needs to multiply by three to make it all alright—for the three years he's known Erwin. He does the math in his head with ease. He taps the surface beside his head twenty-four times for every knob he isn’t checking twice, and slips his hand underneath, taps that side forty-eight times for the eight handles he isn’t checking twice. Perfect.
Now he won’t kill Erwin in his sleep by accident.
He curls his toes, and counts all ten in his head. Same with his fingers. Twenty.
His heavy eyes float closed. It’s going to be fine, he rationalizes, now that those rituals are done. Tension melts away somewhere deep inside.
A peaceful darkness envelops him, opening to embrace. His thoughts slow.
Sooner or later, he finds his own breathing matching up to Erwin’s, which guides him further into deeper rest. He balances on the tipping point, that invisible line straddling the abyss and their room when Erwin sighs, and the mattress can be heard whining as he rolls over. Toward Levi.
Levi’s eyes blink open and grow wide. No. This is all wrong. Erwin’s back is towards the door now—he can be stabbed, he can easily be wrenched up by his blond hair and his throat slit, right in front of Levi.
And that’ll be one more time, yet again he’s just too slow to save someone he wants kept safe. All the shadows morph into assailants made of the darkest blood, sprung from Levi’s memories and instincts. His fear.
His chest ballooning with his silent breaths now, he raises his head, his brows pinching at the sight of a lone shred of moonlight penetrating between the curtains next to the bed. They aren’t, aren’t—closed. Enough.
Someone is going to get in and slit Erwin’s throat if Levi doesn’t close those curtains right now. He rises up into a sit with Erwin's slumber in mind.
Maybe it’s all ruined now… This room and its curse Levi brought in with him. Drawing open the curtains fully, say, for the five shadows cast about the bedroom by various furniture and shelves would make it right. That would make it secure—clean. The integrity of the curtains has been soiled by invisible blood. Levi’s obsession. He knows it’s insane, but he can’t not act.
He folds the edges of the blankets off, sitting cross-legged now.
But if he wakes Erwin up, then what?
The answer occurs to him easily—don’t sleep with Erwin for two nights if that happens, and his mistakes will be reset. Tonight would be one strike. Two more would add up to three, and erase his record.
He clutches at his biceps (blink four times squeeze arms four times for good luck for the fourth night) and curls his ten toes.
(Get your breathing under control.)
That breath he took just now was shorter than all the others. He must take four deep breaths, alternate between taps to his chest, his lungs, for good luck on the fourth night.
Wait, no, he didn’t tap the same spot as before. He holds his breath so he can restart until he gets to the number he was at before.
He can’t breathe. Too loud. Twenty deep breaths then for his fingers and toes—Fuck, he didn’t curl those fingers good enough that time, start over, but he can’t remember which number he was on he’s failed it’s fucked up he fucked up Erwin is going to die now and it’s all his fucking fault.
He clamps his palm over his mouth now that he’s panting and light-headed, but what about his other five fingers…
“Levi,” a voice whispers urgently, and its Erwin, who’s sitting up and looking at him now, his back to the door.
No. No no. If Erwin doesn’t turn around in the next twenty seconds for all twenty of Levi’s fingers and toes then Erwin is going to die in the night for sure. The curtains are still fucked up. It’s all so fucked up.
How many seconds has it been already?
Levi shakes his head furiously to cleanse himself—his shitty thoughts.
He makes himself small, his knees tucked under his chin and one palm flat on his blade. His smaller existence will negate the odds of death happening. Because it’s him. If he didn’t exist, nothing bad would happen to Erwin or Hange or Mike or Nibbles, and…
He’s so fucked up.
“Levi, Levi… Look at me now.”
Levi says his own name to make that three.
Erwin sputters. “Le—?”
“Shut up. Turn around. Now.”
He can only vaguely make out the angles of Erwin’s face in the dark, but Erwin is so confused that it’s clear as day. “Why should I?”
“Ten seconds,” he hisses back, like some mongrel, feral snake.
When he does, Erwin touches his shoulder which helps and solidifies their physical contact if someone tries to hurt Erwin, but that’s not good enough, that’s not his whole body.
“No. That’s not good you gotta do it again, twenty—twenty, you have—twen-twenty to”—Twenty-two?—“Fuck—fuck…. Fuck, Erwin. I’m sorry.”
Erwin squeezes his shoulder, then his touch disappears. Levi feels a momentary jolt of shame and panic until a small flame appears in the gas lamp next to the bed.
He shouldn’t stare at that knob for long before he gets ideas about fire. Like the ones he had about killing Erwin.
His face is hot with shame. Levi’s eyes squeeze shut as his own gasping engulfs his hearing and he spirals. Tingles crawl up and down his fingers.
He tries to rock sideways and fling himself off the bed, or somewhere far away from Erwin, anywhere but here, but he’s stopped by a strong, but loose pair of arms, enveloping his front and pulling him back against a very large, formidable and warm frame.
Erwin gives him plenty of room and time to escape, which Levi doesn’t take.
“Breathe, breathe… You’re—You’re safe here, Levi. You can breathe normally,” Erwin attempts to comfort. “Please breathe."
"F-Fuck off—"
"Do it for me.”
He shrinks and hunches until he drops into Erwin’s lap, surrounded by him now.
Levi breathes, matching them for Erwin’s without a thought. His eyes are stinging and he has tremors in his fingers, but he’s breathing.
“That was twenty seconds,” he says above Levi’s head. “It’s alright now. What did you think would happen at twenty seconds?”
It’d sound stupid or insane, or both, said aloud, so he just shakes his head, trembling in his arms.
Erwin hums in acknowledgement, then kisses his hair. “It’s alright, then, regardless. Nothing happened. Everything is alright. Everyone is, too.”
He shakes his head again, and the mess inside, mangled mixes of anxiety, dread, and the comfort, plus the guilt of all this—they wage war.
“I woke you up. I’ll just go.”
Neither of them move an inch.
Erwin breaks the moment first by finding Levi’s hand. He peels his grip off his bicep sleeve, and takes his much smaller hand in his own. “You warned me about nightmares. I don’t think that was one.”
Levi huffs at his measly attempt at a joke.
“Levi…” Erwin’s voice is now tender. “What happened, if I may ask? Am I—helping you by doing any of this?”
Levi sinks deeper against him in response, until Erwin might as well be holding a doll on his lap.
He remains quiet for quite some time, but Erwin doesn’t speak. He waits while Levi collects his thoughts.
“…I couldn’t stop thinking.”
“Are you still thinking?—In that way?”
He sniffles. Ugh, disgusting. “Don’t know.”
Erwin squeezes him tight. “Breathe deeply with me.”
Wordlessly, Levi matches Erwin’s deeper, slow breaths. It’s not a cure. But it helps.
By the time they’re mimicking each other, and Levi is finished breaking Erwin’s fingers with his grip on them he’s, ironically, just tired. Drained. He closes his eyes to the shred of moonlight, and turns his head instead, nestling in Erwin’s chest.
“Better?”
“Yeah,” Levi whispers back.
“…I have an idea, darling.”
His heart skips a little. “Hm.”
“If—nothing happens within the next thirty seconds, everything will be alright until you wake up in the morning. Does that sound accurate to you? I don’t understand your thought process above the patterns,” he relents quietly. “But you don’t have to explain it now.”
Oh.
Levi tips his chin, then waits until Erwin leans down, and kisses him. “Mm.”
“Mm. Alright. You count. I’m hearing you. So you’ll do so just fine.”
He relaxes. “One… two…”
In all Erwin’s mysterious logic, the way his mind works or just him—something about him gives Levi someone he can place all his trust in. If Erwin says it, he believes it. He has no reason not to.
Thirty seconds come and go, and it’s as Erwin said. Erwin leans down and kisses Levi’s hair when he’s done.
“Thank you,” Levi murmurs, raspy and yet warm.
“You’re… You’re of course welcome. You worried me at first.” He squeezes him briefly.
“…I like it here,” Levi blurts out. “So this place isn’t shitty. You’re not shitty. I’m good, here with you.”
Levi heard his favorite of Erwin’s chuckles, the one that rumbles low and almost secretive in his chest. Warmly, he cradles Levi to his chest again. “Ah.” A breath leaves him, seemingly taking all his tension with it. “I’m glad.”
“So Blondie—”
“Lev’—”
They quiet at the same time.
Erwin clears his throat faintly. “You don’t have to sleep, if you cannot. But if anything at that magnitude troubles you again, wake me up, please.”
It’s not an order. They don’t do orders here, but still, Levi finds a willingness to follow it, if that does happen.
He grunts, his silence as confirmation.
Erwin then begins to shift and turn them. Levi squirms until he lies on his side, facing the greater bedroom and the door, and that shred of moonlight.
Erwin reaches over him, and dies the flame down. Then, when he shuffles close, blanketing his back, Levi feels much more comfortable with the position like this, compared to before He doesn’t know how Erwin knew, but… Damn it, he always does.
He and Erwin, what they have is always so… wonderful.