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Seokjin knew what he was getting into when he made his decision. Just now he realizes knowing about something and actually facing it are two very different things. For example, he knew Jungkook would be upset when he found out he was the last to be informed, but he didn’t expect the look he gave him. It’s a silent look, definitely sad, but there’s something about the way Jungkook’s eyes water without letting the tears fall, that makes Seokjin’s stomach twist.
He knows that the best course of action to keep their relationship safe is to apologize, to tell Jungkook that he did it because he thought he’d spare him the pain. But what does Seokjin know about pain? About Jungkook’s pain?
“I knew you couldn’t take it,” Seokjin says.
Jungkook pouts and the first tear falls as his face tilts down. Seokjin feels like he’s drowning in that one single drop. He can’t breathe. He needs to get away.
He turns for the door before Jungkook starts crying for real, and he doesn’t stop when Jungkook calls for him between hiccups. Seokjin can’t deal with this. He has never been good with this kind of situation, it’s why he doesn’t show his weak side, why he always tries to keep the mood light. He’s awkward with feelings, always has been. It’s easier to deal with Jungkook when he isn’t crying, so Seokjin leaves.
The days that follow, there’s a heavy weight pushing the whole group down. It stems from Jungkook being unable to stay in the same room as Seokjin without bursting into tears.
When Yoongi approaches Seokjin to ask what happened, the conversation boils down to one single thing. Jungkook found out, and it hurt him more than what Seokjin was trying to protect him from.
It’s stupid, Seokjin thinks. Ultimately, he still believes what he did was the best course of action, and Jungkook being upset is just a variable that he didn’t account for properly. And of course he comes up with a way to remedy all of it, to take away the pain. He just has to remove himself from the picture a little sooner than planned.
He starts by leaving group activities as soon as they’re done. When before he would stick around and chatter with everyone, invite Hoseok for a drink, bicker for a few minutes with Jungkook, now he just silently takes his things and leaves without saying goodbye.
The first one to come to him about it is, as expected, Namjoon. When all is explained, Namjoon just stares at him with a puzzled expression.
“Why don’t you just talk to him?” Namjoon asks.
“Because it won’t change anything.” Seokjin replies. “He won’t understand that I’m doing it for his own good.”
Namjoon tries to convince Seokjin that talking to Jungkook is the best thing he can do, not this crazy self-alienating plan of his. Sure, it’s always worked for them before, but problems solved in the past didn’t end with one of them going away for a long time. Somehow, doing it like this is the only way that makes sense in Seokjin’s brain.
If they’re mad at him, if Jungkook is mad at him, the hole he makes when he leaves won’t be as big, it won’t hurt as much, maybe it won’t hurt at all because the anger will help him forget. The anger will make Jungkook forget, Seokjin tells himself, ignoring the horrible way his heart clenches inside his chest when he thinks about it. About the horrible thing he has to do to get Jungkook angry enough to protect him from the pain.
Being apart from him is very hard to do, Seokjin realizes by the end of the first month. He still doesn’t know exactly what makes it that hard, especially when Jungkook looks better now than when all of this started. It means Seokjin’s plan is working, it doesn’t matter that he’s hurting inside as long as Jungkook gets better.
But Seokjin is only human, and like every other human, his biggest weakness are the people he cares about, the person he loves the most. He caves to the pain and the loneliness, and the longing the night before his departure.
Five bottles of Soju on an empty stomach leave him standing in front of Jungkook’s door. He knows the code, given that Jungkook didn’t change it after the last time Seokjin was here, he could just punch the number combination and let himself in. But even as drunk as he may be, invading Jungkook’s private space like that still feels like taking one step too far.
It’s been weeks since the last time he properly talked to Jungkook, since he last properly saw him face to face, since he last saw Jungkook smile. Alcohol may make Seokjin think that’s all he wants now before leaving. But a deeper, darker part of himself tells him that’s not it. There’s something more that he wants, and if being gone for a long time will permanently damage his relationship with Jungkook, he might as well take that something now.
The door opens almost immediately after the third knock, which means Jungkook knew it was him, no one else knocks but him.
They just stare at each other. Seokjin feels as if he was naked on an examination table as Jungkook’s eyes scan him up and down, taking him in. The alcohol doesn’t let him see what lays behind that simple action, but when Jungkook’s eyes meet his again something urges Seokjin forward.
He steps into the apartment, shoving the door closed behind. Jungkook’s but a breath away, his big doe eyes staring directly at Seokjin.
Seokjin cups Jungkook’s face with his hands and, barely aware of the soft hitch in Jungkook’s inhale, he leans in for a kiss. Jungkook goes stiff for a fraction of a second before melting into Seokjin’s touch, he whimpers softly as he throws his arms around Seokjin’s neck. Seokjin’s hands find their perfect spot on Jungkook’s oh-so-tiny waist and he squeezes, bringing Jungkook closer until their heaving chests are touching.
All the problems and worries fade from Seokjin’s mind as the kiss continues, as he presses Jungkook against the wall and slots his thigh between Jungkook’s legs. The little sound Jungkook breathes into his mouth when Seokjin’s hands grab his hips and grind him down is nothing short of angelical, it dissipates whatever white noise had started buzzing in Seokjin’s ears after the first drink, it makes him want more.
Jungkook mewls the second their mouths part, he noses at Seokjin’s jaw when Seokjin tries to pull back. “Hyung, please…”
Seokjin looks at Jungkook’s teary eyes, the soft blush spreading across his face, the way his chest moves erratically and how his hips buck against Seokjin’s thigh. It’s all too much and too little at the same time.
He says nothing as he grabs Jungkook by the shoulders and steps back. The complaint turns into a gasp before leaving Jungkook’s lips when Seokjin turns him around and pushes him back against the wall. Seokjin drops to his knees behind Jungkook, hastily pulling Jungkook’s sweatpants down and slapping the inside of his thigh.
Jungkook knows what Seokjin wants and obeys immediately, arching his back.
The first taste has Seokjin seeing stars. He hums against Jungkook’s clenching hole as he slides a hand between Jungkook’s legs to touch his weeping cock. Jungkook keens, drooling a flurry of Seokjin’s name and pleas for him to move faster, do it harder.
It’s easy for Seokjin to take Jungkook apart with just his tongue, to make him become a crying, sputtering mess.
Jungkook cries beautifully when Seokjin finally slides his cock inside, his knees buckle and hit the wall, Seokjin has to hold him with an arm around the waist, his lips attached to Jungkook’s neck.
It all becomes desperate after that. Jungkook claws at Seokjin’s arm, trying to bring him closer, even when they’re as close as they can be. Seokjin puts a hand on Jungkook’s belly, something primal burning in him when he feels the little bump his cock makes when it’s buried as deep as he can go. He presses down on it and Jungkook cums with a strangled sob, untouched.
Seokjin keeps going, punching soft little noises from Jungkook with every push of his hips. Jungkook’s hand comes to the back of Seokjin’s head and guides him to his lips when Seokjin’s pace falters. Jungkook clenches around him, mouth hungrily claiming Seokjin’s.
When he pulls out Jungkook immediately turns around and throws himself at Seokjin again. “Don’t go,” He sobs in Seokjin’s ear. “Not yet, please.”
They spend the night in Jungkook’s living room mattress, tangled in each other, until they’re so tired they can’t do anything but look into each other’s eyes. Jungkook’s eyes are bright, and full of hope, and Seokjin knows he made a mistake by coming here.
Jungkook pecks Seokjin’s mouth one last time before cuddling closer, the tip of his nose cold against Seokjin’s heated skin.
Seokjin wakes up first the next morning. Sometime during the night Jungkook pulled back from him, but he’s still laying on top of Seokjin’s arm. He stares at Jungkook’s sleeping face, at the way his eyelids flutter and his nose scrunches as he starts to wake up.
I love you, Seokjin thinks. “I’ve wanted to fuck you for so long,” he says.
“What?” Jungkook whispers shakily, still half asleep.
“You were a worthy last one night stand, thanks.” Seokjin replies, fairly surprised by the firmness of his voice. “I have to go now or I’ll miss my flight.”
Jungkook scrambles to get a hold of Seokjin’s arm as he pulls it from under Jungkook’s warm body. “It doesn’t have to be a one-night thing,” Jungkook says. “I lo—”
“No. I’m leaving.” Seokjin yanks his arm away from Jungkook’s trembling hands, feeling the cold slowly creep into his chest as he turns around and starts picking his clothes from the floor. “Don’t you dare wait for me.”
Time goes slow in the military, so slow that sometimes Seokjin feels like he’s actually already dead and serving his sentence in hell for having hurt Jungkook.
He doesn’t reach out to them when he’s allowed to have his phone, ignores the hundreds of texts from Jungkook and the group chat, and Namjoon and Yoongi. He only calls his family a couple of times to let them know he’s okay (as okay as one can be with a self-inflicted broken heart).
Some way or another, he pulls through.
During his time away he learns a lot of things about himself and who he is without the other six around him all the time. It’s a life changing experience to not have them (him) close after more than ten years of constantly being close to each other practically all the time.
He even goes to therapy after the bad days become more frequent, and he discovers a whole new side of him that he didn’t know existed… or maybe he did and decided to ignore because it wasn’t what he required to be where he needed to be. He learns to embrace his worries and his fears and deal with them, and he has a full breakdown in front of his therapist when he acknowledges that the way he managed his feelings towards Jungkook and everything that happened the weeks prior to his departure could and should have been better.
After his time is done, Seokjin fully expects to come back to a new kind of life. Well, maybe not new, but definitely different. He hopes Jungkook learned from what Seokjin did to him and moved on, that he’s happy now. He hopes that he can apologize and move on too, alongside the friends that he left behind if they are willing to have him again. But he dreads what will actually happen once he’s back in the city. Whatever happens, he’s better equipped now to deal with it.
Jungkook waiting for him at the airport sends him in for a loop. Definitely not what he expected and definitely his mother’s fault, because he didn’t tell anyone but his parents that he was getting back today.
Seokjin stops in his tracks when he sees him. Jungkook looks good and healthy, maybe a little bulkier? But that may be Seokjin’s imagination. Jungkook’s hair is longer, his natural color, half held up in a bun. He’s wearing a facemask but Seokjin can tell he’s smiling from how his eyes crescent. Seokjin was wrong, he’s not prepared to deal with this.
“Hi,” Jungkook says as he walks up to the spot where Seokjin’s glued.
“What are you doing here?” Seokjin asks, not trying to sound defensive, but very perplexed.
“They told me. Yoongi hyung and Namjoon hyung, I mean. For a long time I didn’t understand why you did what you did, I still don’t. But I know how you feel… or how you felt.” Jungkook’s smile fades a little, his eyes cast down. “I still love you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stop.”
Seokjin stays silent, unable to say something because there’s a huge knot clogging his throat. So much for getting rid of it in therapy. He stares at Jungkook, at how soft he looks in his oversized sweater and with a couple of locks of hair falling on his face. He’s still the most beautiful thing Seokjin has ever seen, and his heart still beats just for him. He reaches a hand out to tuck some of the loose locks behind Jungkook’s ear, his fingertips brush Jungkook’s cheekbone in the process and Jungkook looks up.
“I wouldn’t be able to stop loving you either,” Seokjin breathes out. “I love you so much I feel like my heart is about to burst. I’m sorry for the things I said to you before I left, I was just—”
Jungkook pulls their masks down in the empty waiting room and kisses him. Seokjin feels as if a heavy weight was lifted off his shoulders as he wraps his arms around Jungkook, holding him tight.
“I forgive you,” Jungkook whispers against his lips, then kisses him again. “Let’s go home, I need to give you something to remember me before I have to leave tomorrow.”
And remember Seokjin does, in fact, is all he can think about when he isn’t missing Jungkook terribly or pouring the flood of emotions into his music. But it’s okay, because he knows they will be alright and he still has the silly selfies Jungkook sends him when he has phone privileges, with little captions that count down the days for when he comes back.
✨THE END✨