Chapter Text
— 1 —
When Ava opened her eyes, she became aware of two things at exactly the same time: she had overslept, and she was falling in love with her best friend.
The first she knew because of the sun, bright and hot on her back as it streamed through the window. The second was just as obvious to her as the warmth on her skin from the ray of light shining through the glass pane, spreading through her body to wake up newly-realized nerve endings.
Beatrice was lying next to her, but their bodies weren’t touching. Ava was constantly amazed at the level of control Beatrice had, even asleep. When Ava woke up, her limbs were usually everywhere, taking up as much of the bed as possible. Beatrice, however, was always tucked into her corner of the mattress, often in the same position Ava had last seen her before she drifted off to sleep. On this morning, Beatrice’s face was relaxed, her lips slightly pouted as she breathed out small puffs of air through them. It was adorable.
Ava could wake up like this every day for the rest of her life and be happy.
The sun was just beginning to peek over the clouds on the horizon. They’d been in Switzerland for long enough now that the days had started to blend together, a seamless stream of moments, like the sky at dusk – vibrant, rich, and fleeting.
Ugh. Sappy, Ava thought. But looking at Beatrice sleeping next to her, Ava couldn’t help but get a little bit corny. She’d never had anyone like Beatrice before, and she would do anything to keep her by her side.
She’s so pretty.
Ava reached out to touch her before her hand stilled, her fingers closing around nothing.
Get a grip, Ava.
Their entire existence here was a series of torturous contradictions. They’d only known each other for only a few months, yet they were each all the other had. They were best friends, and they were barely acquainted. Beatrice was her protector, but Beatrice needed to be kept safe, too — not in the physical, I’m-being-chased-by-a-demon way that Ava needed from Bea, but something much more delicate.
Beatrice was a fucking nun, sworn to serve a Lord that Ava didn’t believe existed. And Ava? Ava was falling hard.
It was a difficult situation, to say the least. And it wasn’t the sort of thing that could be rushed. It wasn’t like the simple love stories in the songs, or the overwrought storylines on the shows Ava would force Beatrice to watch with her each night. If anything were ever to happen, it would have to be when Beatrice was ready, and not a moment sooner.
So, Ava would wait. She would be patient.
She was willing to do just about anything for Beatrice.
Ava knew she had to get up, that if she just lay here thinking about how beautiful Beatrice was, her day would never begin. Still, she could give herself a little leeway. What would one more minute hurt?
She allowed herself another sixty seconds, counting them evenly, the way Hans had taught her to so she could pour shots without measuring. The rhythm of it timed niceley with Beatrice’s breathing, the up and down of her chest, the puffs of air leaving her lips. By the time she’d hit sixty, Ava was nearly ready to slip back to sleep, but she forced herself up on her elbows, moving gently to not wake Beatrice. She slipped out from under the blanket, but not before leaning forward first to brush a soft kiss against the warm skin of Beatrice’s forehead.
/
The shower was warm and comforting, and if Ava didn’t have to be at work by ten, she could’ve stayed in there for hours. It felt silly, sometimes, how something as simple as hot water running down her back could bring her so much joy. She knew most people would never understand, but she liked to cherish these moments on her own, in her own skin. If that meant taking a forty minute shower, then… well, too bad.
She wasn’t sure how long it had been exactly when her feet finally stepped on the fuzzy bathmat they’d bought to protect her from the cold tile floor of the bathroom.
She’d just finished drying her legs when the door flew open with a bang.
Ava yelped, clutching the towel to her body a second too late for Beatrice not to have gotten an eyeful. But it wasn’t her fault. Beatrice couldn’t possibly blame her, when she was the one who had thrown open the door without knocking.
Beatrice looked just as surprised to see Ava standing there, as if she somehow hadn’t heard the shower or seen the steam escaping from under the door. Ava had a habit of running the water so close to scalding that it stung her skin a little, burning through their hot water fast enough that Beatrice insisted Ava was only allowed to shower in the mornings, hours before Beatrice would, so the ancient water heater would have time to recouperate.
The air in the bathroom was thick and foggy, and the open door sucked it away and let in a cold burst of air that had Ava shivering. Or at least, that’s what she normally would have blamed it on. Today, something else was sending a chill down her spine.
Beatrice’s gaze was all over her, roaming over her entire body several times like she was checking her for signs of injury, before her eyes settled on Ava’s.
“Bea? What’s — are you okay?” She tilted her head to the side. She tried to keep her voice calm, not wanting to pile on more nerves to the already-frantic energy in the small space. “You’re kind of freaking me out here. You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“Ava?” Beatrice said her name like it was a surprise the word was able to make it past her lips. She took a step closer, then hesitated. “You’re – you’re here.”
“Um, yeah?”
“Are you… hurt?”
Ava glanced down at her body, hidden mostly beneath the towel, and frowned. Hurt? What could possibly have hurt her, here in the bathroom? Putting aside the one time that Ava had slipped in the tub, or the time she’d cut her leg shaving so badly that the Halo had to heal her.
Ava shook off the thought, focusing back on her growing concern for Beatrice. “I’m good, Bea. Are you?”
“No, I’m…” Beatrice blinked. “What – what day is it?”
“Tuesday.”
Beatrice nodded, her eyes leaving Ava for the first time since she’d come barging in. It gave Ava a second to take in Beatrice’s stance. Beatrice was a fierce guard over her own emotions, but Ava could read past in the tightness of her jaw and the clench of her fists to tell that something was wrong.
“Hey,” Ava said, taking a step closer. She tried not to be too offended when Beatrice looked up at her with wild eyes.
You’re still in a towel, Ava. And she’s still a nun.
She had never seen Beatrice look like this before. She wondered, briefly, if her friend was about to pass out. The sight of her wearing only a towel couldn’t be that overwhelming, right?
“Are you good? Do you need some – I don’t know, water or something?”
Beatrice shook her head. “I need to leave.” She took one step back, then another. “I can’t be here, this…”
“Bea?”
But Beatrice just shook her head more furiously, muttering something to herself that Ava couldn’t quite understand, and walked out.
Ava wanted to follow, but she knew she shouldn’t. Everything about Beatrice was about balance. Push and pull, delicate and measured. Their motions were carefully stacked like the world's most precarious game of Jenga. One wrong move and the whole thing could fall apart, and Ava would be left in the rubble.
Ava would wait. She would be patient. She was willing to do just about anything for Beatrice.
But god, did it suck some sometimes.
/
“Where’s Beatrice?”
Hans was behind the bar when Ava walked in to work, five minutes late as usual. At his question, she looked around, frowning.
“She’s not here?” Shit. Had she upset Beatrice so much that she was late? That had never happened before. “Oh, that’s – right, I um, totally forgot. She’s – she’s sick today. She might not make it in.”
“How unfortunate.” Hans didn’t sound too sorry about it. He and Beatrice were friendly enough, but it was obvious which of the two roommates he preferred – especially since Beatrice had been promoted over him. Still, he did have a sympathetic look when he said, “Tell her to feel better soon, yes?”
“Sure thing.”
Ava pulled out her phone, biting her lip as she considered sending Beatrice a message. She tucked it back away a moment later. She didn’t want to seem as clingy as she felt.
She set about getting the bar ready for the afternoon rush, worry bunching up in her stomach like a ball of knotted yarn, the kind of mess that would happen in an instant and take forever to detangle. She sliced the citrus, made sure the speed rail was stocked, and polished the glasses, all the while with one eye on the door, waiting for Beatrice to walk through.
She didn’t.
Ava slipped into the storage room to ‘grab a bottle of tequila’ or whatever excuse she had made – she wasn’t paying much attention, but then again, neither was Hans – and pulled out her phone.
ava: bea???? where are you????
It had been an hour since her shift was supposed to start, and Ava was starting to get nervous. It was unlike Beatrice to do something like this, especially not without getting in touch.
She put her phone away, and hoped for a response.
The rest of the shift was agonizing. Seven hours of checking the door, checking her phone, checking her nerves to try and keep them at a reasonable level. Ava tried to remind herself that Beatrice was the most capable person she knew, and she would be fine. She had to be fine.
But Adriel’s followers were on the rise, and Beatrice had left the house in a hurry that morning, distracted and not entirely her usual self. What if someone had caught her unaware? What if she was hurt, or captured, and Ava was stuck behind the bar slinging drinks to tourists?
For once, Ava didn’t stop to admire the sunset on the way home.
The apartment was dark when she turned her key in the lock.
“Beatrice?” she called out as soon as the door was open. A looming silence answered her back.
Ava checked the bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen – heck, she even checked the small balcony, which barely had room enough for one person to stand comfortably. Beatrice was nowhere to be found.
“Where the fuck are you?” Ava asked to the empty apartment.
She pulled her phone out of her back pocket, her fingers quickly punching in Beatrice’s number. She had her contact saved, of course, but Beatrice made Ava memorize the digits the first day they’d gotten their cell phones – just in case.
A buzzing came from inside the bedroom, and Ava’s head snapped up. When she walked in, she could see Beatrice’s phone glowing from the nightstand, still plugged in from the night before.
She didn’t bring her phone?
Panic sunk its claws into the back of her neck. She slid down into a chair at the kitchen table, her head falling against clenched fists, knuckles pushing into her forehead.
Oh, fuck.
Beatrice had never come home, and Ava had no way of contacting her. What was she going to do? What if Beatrice was hurt? Or still upset? What if she needed Ava’s help?
Ava was about to leave and just start looking when she heard the doorknob turn and someone entered the apartment.
She froze as their eyes connected.
Beatrice shut the door behind her, leaning against it with her hands tucked into the small of her back. “You’re still here.”
"You're goddamn right I'm here." Ava stood up, her voice shaking as the worry that had been simmering inside her all day boiled over into anger. "Where the hell were you? You didn't bring your phone, and you know how I feel about us always being able to reach each other."
“Yes.” Beatrice was still in the doorway. “I’m sorry, Ava, I–”
“Where were you?”
“I went for a walk. I was—” Beatrice stopped to tuck her hands into her pockets. “I needed to clear my head.”
Ava crossed her arms, the white-hot rage dimming. “Okay. Yeah, that’s… that’s fine, you’re allowed to do that. Of course you are. Obviously. It’s just – you were gone all day. And you didn’t take your phone.”
“I’m sorry if I worried you.”
“Worried me? Bea, you scared the shit out of me.”
“Sorry,” Beatrice mumbled again, her eyes falling. “It wasn’t my intention.”
With her head bowed and eyes downcast, Ava could almost perfectly picture what Beatrice might have looked like as a child, being scolded by a parent. The thought dulled her anger further.
“Okay.” Ava walked forward and hugged her, held her tight, even as Beatrice stiffened. “Please don’t do that again.”
“I’m sorry. I really am. I suppose I lost track of time.” Beatrice pulled back, looking no less upset. Ava frowned. Usually her hugs had more of an effect on her friend. “Today has felt like a dream. Like I’m floating above it all, like none of this is – is real.”
Ava gave her a soft look, then raised her hand up to Beatrice’s cheek and pinched. This seemed to surprise Beatrice, who tugged her head away with an incredulous look on her face.
“What are you doing?”
“Pinching you. So you know it’s not a dream.” Ava gave Beatrice her best smile. “Come on. Let’s go get into pajamas and watch reruns of Grey’s Anatomy.”
They each donned a comfortable shirt and sweat-shorts, finding their usual places on the small couch. By mid-episode, Ava had let her body lean into Beatrice’s, shoulder-to-shoulder at first, sliding further and further down until she was fully laying on Beatrice.
She was asleep by the time the credits were rolling.
— 2 —
When Ava opened her eyes, she became aware of two things at exactly the same time: she had overslept, and Beatrice was watching her.
She could feel it before she even turned around, sense it in the tension in the air, in the way the hairs on the back of her neck stood, as obvious as the sun beams warm on her back.
Ava rolled over, taking it slow enough to give Beatrice a moment to pretend that she wasn’t staring, if that's what she wanted. But Beatrice’s eyes didn’t flinch for even a second, unfazed as Ava blinked up at her.
“Hey.” Ava’s voice was still clouded with sleep. “You okay?”
Beatrice nodded, but didn’t say anything. Her hand traveled upwards, fingers cupping Ava’s jaw – a different destination from the usual caress of her knuckles against Ava’s cheek. The slight deviation from the norm rocked her, made her shiver, which she did her best to hide in a stretch.
“You’re still here.”
The words sounded like an echo in her ears, and Ava blinked a few times, trying to wake up further. Had she – had she dreamed it, or had Beatrice said that to her recently? She racked her brain, but couldn’t come up with anything.
“Of course I am. Where would I have gone?”
Beatrice’s eyebrows drew together, her lip pulled taut against her teeth as she thought. It was a good look.
Focus, Ava.
“I don’t quite know.” Beatrice’s eyes searched her face. “I feel like I’m having the strangest dream.”
“Hm.” Ava’s hands were trapped under the blanket, leaving her no other choice than to lean forward and press her lips to Beatrice’s forehead. “Well, you don’t have a fever.”
From this distance, it was easy to track the blush as it spread through Beatrice. It started, as it always did, in her ears, the tips turning a soft pink. Beatrice tucked her chin, hiding her gaze from Ava’s. Ava would pretend not to notice any of it, for Beatrice’s sake, but she would be lying if she said that moments like this – these little signs and signals – did bring her some comfort in knowing she wasn't alone in her feelings.
“Come on. You know I like to take the long way to work.” Ava rolled out of the bed, pulling her phone off her charger and checking her messages. Nothing yet. Not terribly surprising, since Beatrice was one of three people who ever sent her anything.
Beatrice pushed herself into a seated position, watching Ava carefully as she began to gather her outfit for the day. Sometimes she liked to come out of the bathroom wearing just a towel, to see the look on Beatrice’s face, count the seconds she stared before she turned her gaze away in what she must have thought was a subtle manner.
Today, when Beatrice already seemed off-balance, wasn’t one of those days. She would get dressed in the hot steam that filled the bathroom each time after she showered, ignoring the unpleasant way it made the fabric stick to her skin.
Just as Ava was about to disappear into the bathroom, Beatrice spoke up.
“But – we have off on Wednesdays.”
“That is true.” Ava nodded sagely. “And that would be an excellent point, if it were Wednesday. But since it’s Tuesday, you have to—”
Beatrice looked up sharply, and Ava's next words faltered under the intensity of her gaze. “What did you just say?”
“Uh, that it’s Tuesday?”
Beatrice shook her head. “Yesterday was Tuesday.”
Ava took a step back towards the bed, towards Beatrice with growing concern. “Are you feeling okay? Maybe you are getting sick.”
Beatrice turned, finding her phone where she’d left it charging overnight on her nightstand. She pressed a button, lighting up the screen, and Ava watched as her face went through a range of emotions before dropping the phone into her lap.
“It’s Tuesday,” Beatrice announced, like it was news.
“Yeah. Yes?”
“Today is Tuesday. Yesterday was…”
“Monday?” Ava provided, though she was pretty sure Beatrice, in her seemingly infinite wisdom, probably knew the days of the week.
Beatrice’s jaw worked as she thought. “Did – did anything… unusual happen yesterday?”
“What? No, it was—”
Ava found herself unable to remember anything specific about the day before. She was sure they had done their usual Monday routine – work, antagonize Hans, go home, eat dinner. A few episodes of some soapy show, if Ava had the remote, or a documentary, if Beatrice had grabbed it first. She’d probably fallen asleep on the couch until Beatrice nudged her awake and then guided her to bed. It had happened enough times in the past.
But Ava couldn’t remember – couldn’t be sure – if it had happened yesterday.
“It was completely unremarkable.” Her head felt a little fuzzy, like her thoughts were actively pulling her in a different direction, begging her not to go down this path. “I’m gonna grab a shower before work, if that’s cool.”
Beatrice nodded. “Cool,” she repeated, though her mind was clearly elsewhere as she picked at a loose thread on the quilt.
Ava wanted to press, to make sure Beatrice was okay, but knew better than to push when she was tense like this. Things would be better in a few minutes. She just had to be patient. And what better place to wait than in the comfort of the shower?
Just as she turned, there was a loud thunk of something slamming into their window. Ava instinctively ducked, hands coming over her head in a comically useless defense.
“Jesus!” she said, turning around “What was that?”
“It sounded like a bird.”
Ava walked to the window, opening it so she could lean out. She couldn’t see any sign of a bird. It must have flown away. That was a good sign, right? “Poor thing.”
/
They barely made it to work in time, partly due to Ava’s insistence that they take the scenic route, but also due to Beatrice moving slower than usual. She seemed dazed, like maybe she hadn’t slept well, and Ava tried to ignore the ravenous worry that was eating at her stomach each time she looked at her best friend.
She wasn’t the only one who noticed.
“Is Beatrice feeling alright? She does not seem herself.” Hans waited until Beatrice disappeared upstairs before whispering to Ava.
“Yeah, she’s – she didn’t sleep well, I think. Maybe I’ll make her a coffee once I’m done setting up.”
It was over an hour later when Ava made her way upstairs. She found Beatrice sitting at her desk, pouring over her books. At least, that’s what she thought at first. Beatrice was holding her head in her hands as she stared down at the open notebook. Ava watched her for a moment, observed her perfect stillness, her eyes not even moving as she looked down at the page lost in some deep thought.
“Bea?”
Beatrice flinched, her head turning sharply towards her. It was the first time Ava had ever snuck up on her, and she would have felt bad if the idea didn’t make her feel a little giddy.
“Ava,” she said, her voice not betraying the fact that she’d just been caught unaware. “Is everything alright?”
“Totally.” Ava took a step towards Beatrice, holding out the warm mug. “I just thought maybe you could use this.”
Beatrice looked down, taking the mug from Ava, her fingers coming agonizingly close to touching hers – but Beatrice was too precise for a simple mistake like that. “Coffee?”
“You seem tired.”
Beatrice raised the mug to her lips, taking a sip, and Ava had to look away. “Thank you.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“You’d tell me if it weren’t, right? Like, if you heard something – about Mary, or Adriel, or –”
Beatrice’s face contorted as she looked over Ava’s shoulder. “Ava, quiet. Hans could hear you.”
“Oh don’t worry, he’s busy. There’s kind of a lunch rush right now.”
Her frown only deepend. “And you left him down there alone?”
Ava glanced behind her, wincing. “Right. Yeah, I should probably get back, huh?” Still, she made no move to leave. “You’re sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, Ava.” The way she huffed Ava’s name did not leave her convinced. “Go help Hans.”
She didn’t want to go. She wanted to stay here, to prod and poke until Beatrice gave her something to assuage her fears. Still, she knew that she didn’t have a choice – both because Beatrice was her boss, and because Beatrice was her best friend, and if she didn’t want to talk about it, Ava would just have to respect that.
“On it, boss.” She swooped down, pressing a soft kiss to Beatrice’s temple before she had time to think better of it.
/
“A water, please.”
“Feeling adventurous today, I see.”
Miguel flashed her a smile, ducking his head. “No ice this time. How’s that?”
Ava laughed, taking the opportunity to pour herself a glass of water as well. It was hot and sticky behind the bar, and she rarely had a moment of down time. Might as well take advantage and hydrate, right?
They made pleasant conversation – Michael had a day planned with friends, something about checking out some historic old church that Ava tuned out (that was much more Beatrice’s thing). She was too busy worrying about Beatrice to give him her full attention.
“Michael?”
They both turned to find Beatrice standing there, looking as if she’d seen a ghost.
“Oh, it’s – it’s Miguel, actually.” The back of Ava’s neck felt funny, like someone had just cracked an egg over her head, cold and slick. “Miguel, this is Beatrice.”
“Nice to finally meet you.” He held out his hand, and Beatrice glanced down at it. “I’ve heard a lot.”
Beatrice took his hand, shaking it once firmly. “Pleasure.”
Beatrice probably thought she was being sneaky, but Ava had noticed the looks she’d given Miguel each time he’d walked up to the bar to talk to Ava in the past. She was jealous, much in the same way she had been when they first met Hans.
“Miguel here was just telling me about some… church thing, right?”
“Church thing?” Miguel laughed, shaking his head. “Not exactly. I’m going to check out an old church downtown that we’re pretty sure the Firstborn Children have been using as a meeting space.”
Huh. Had she really been so distracted by her concerns about Beatrice that she’d missed talk about Adriel?
You need to get your shit together.
She expected Beatrice to react to the mention of Adriel, to send her a warning glance or a worried look. Instead, her eyes stayed on Miguel, rueful.
“Be safe,” she said, after a moment. “Ava, could I have some water, please?”
She surprised Ava even further by taking a seat next to Miguel.
Beatrice didn’t say much during the rest of the conversation, just watched the easy back-and-forth rapport that Ava and Miguel had developed over their short friendship with a soft smile and an occasional laugh.
On the way home that evening, Ava paused as they crossed over the bridge. She reached forward for Beatrice’s hand to tug her to a stop. “Can we just stay here a minute?”
Beatrice turned, looking out over the lake, the clouds dyed pink from the setting sun. “Of course.”
— 3 —
When Ava opened her eyes, she became aware of two things at exactly the same time: she had overslept, and Beatrice was having a bad dream.
The first clue was her breathing. Instead of the shallow, restful breaths Ava had gotten used to – relied on, now, to fall asleep each night – they were coming fast and uneven. Her brow was set in a deep frown, unlike her typical peaceful expression as she slept.
Ava considered waking her up, but knew that Beatrice was a creature of habit, and her whole day could be thrown off by not waking up to her alarm. But then Beatrice’s face contorted, from worry to fear, and a small cry escaped her parted lips.
“No!”
Ava couldn’t stand it anymore.
“Beatrice, hey.”
As soon as Ava’s hand landed on her arm, Beatrice woke up with a start. She sat up like she was ready to fight, her hands in front of her body and her eyes searching for a threat.
“Hey, hey – it’s okay.” Ava put her hand on Beatrice’s shoulder, rubbing a small circle against the fabric of Beatrice’s shirt with her thumb until she turned to face her.
“Sorry.” Beatrice sounded out of breath. “Sorry, I – I guess I was dreaming.”
“Sounded like a pretty bad one. Do you remember what was happening?”
Beatrice took a moment, her face stuck in a look of concentration. She closed her eyes and shook her head. “Adriel. He had you, and he…” She shook her head a second time and sighed.
Ava took her hand and squeezed. “It was just a dream. Okay? We’re going to kick his ass.”
Beatrice smiled, but it wasn’t convincing. It lacked its usual warmth. “Of course you are.”
Ava pressed the back of her hand to Beatrice’s forehead, still damp with sweat. “You’re a little warm, you know? Maybe you’re coming down with something.”
When she pulled back, Beatrice was looking at her with an unreadable expression. Ava worried, briefly, if she had pushed a little too far when the look softened. “Maybe.”
“I’m sure Hans could cover for you, if you wanted to take the day off.”
Beatrice’s brow creased for a moment, then she was twisting her body to reach for her phone where it sat plugged in on her nightstand.
“...I think that might be for the best.”
/
Work was torture without Beatrice there, so busy for a Tuesday afternoon that Ava and Hans were scrambling to keep up with the lunch crowd. By the time she left the bar to walk home, she was exhausted.
When Ava walked into the apartment, she found Beatrice at the table, nearly hidden by a pile of books. She barely glanced up at Ava as she came through the door, her eyes quickly returning to the open page in front of her.
“Sorry about the mess.”
Ava took off her hat, hanging it on the hook next to the door and kicked off her shoes. “That’s okay. Where did you get all these?”
“The library.” Beatrice didn’t look back up as she spoke. Ava watched as her eyes moved from side to side, scanning line after line, like the book held the answer to the world’s most urgent question.
Ava briefly imagined Beatrice lugging the tomes all the way from the library – wherever the hell that was. She considered scolding Beatrice – she’d taken the day off to recover, after all, but then thought better of it.
She walked over to the table, taking stock of the books. They were written in German – the titles were mostly words that Ava didn’t quite understand. She’d learned the language through listening, and had done very little reading in German aside from basics. She could read a menu or a street sign, but anything else was a struggle.
It wasn’t like Ava particularly wanted to read them, anyway. The books were thick and smelled musty – they were probably some overly complicated religious histories, knowing Beatrice. She’d have to bug Beatrice to show her where the library was so she could pick out a few books of her own.
“Anything good?”
Beatrice sighed, leaning back in her chair. She brought a finger to her temple, rubbing at the skin there. “Just… research.”
“Cool, cool.” Ava tipped forward on her toes, then rocked back on her heels. “So… do you want to do takeout?”
Beatrice’s head snapped over to the clock, eyes widening when she realized the time. “I’m sorry. I completely forgot about dinner.”
“It’s okay. I know you can get kind of lost in this stuff. It’s important though, right?”
Beatrice looked back down at her book. “Right.”
“So, Lebanese? I’ve been having a mean craving.”
— 4 —
When Ava opened her eyes, she became aware of two things at exactly the same time: she had overslept, and Beatrice was having a full on nightmare.
Her limbs were thrashing under the sheets, her face covered in a thin sheen of sweat. She was mumbling the word no on repeat, over and over and over, and the desperation in her voice twisted something deep inside of Ava’s chest.
“Bea?”
“No, no – God, no. Ava, please –”
She frowned at the sound of her own name falling from Beatrice’s lips. “Bea?” Ava’s voice was gentle at first, but became more urgent. “Beatrice, wake up.” Her fingers wrapped around Beatrice’s shoulder, shaking her as she spoke until her eyes opened. “Hey, you’re okay.”
Beatrice’s forehead was damp with sweat, her eyes primal and wide, and Ava only just barely registered either of those things before Beatrice was burying her head in the crook of Ava’s neck and holding her tight.
“You’re… you’re…” She stopped, shuddered, and Ava tightened her embrace. “Ava?”
“That’s me.”
Her joke fell flat. When Beatrice pulled back, her gaze was still fearful, her breathing shallow and labored, the exact opposite of the Ki breathing she’d been teaching Ava during their training.
Ava tucked a strand of loose hair behind Beatrice’s ear. “You were having a nightmare, Bea. Everything is okay.”
Beatrice was still shaking. “You’re okay?”
“I’m okay.” Ava lifted her hand to Beatrice’s cheek – Beatrice’s signature move – and brushed her thumb against her cheekbone. “Are you?”
Beatrice was nodding before Ava had even finished asking. “Sorry. It was just a bad dream.”
“Don’t be.” Ava pressed a soft kiss to Beatrice’s forehead. “You’re a little warm. Do you think you’re coming down with something?”
Beatrice shook her head. “No. I’m fine. I don’t want to – I can’t miss work again today.”
Again? Ava suppressed a frown. Beatrice had never missed work, at least not to Ava’s knowledge.
“Okay. Will you be alright if I take a shower?”
Beatrice nodded. “Yes, of course.”
“I’ll leave the door unlocked in case you need anything.” It was a joke, of course. The lock had been broken on the door since the day they moved in. Beatrice gave her a small, pitiful laugh. Considering her state, Ava would take that as a victory.
/
When she stepped out of the shower, she could hear Beatrice on the phone in the other room. She got dressed quickly, eager to know who she was talking to that early in the morning. When she swung open the door, she found Beatrice standing near the foot of their bed.
Beatrice’s phone was tucked between her shoulder and her ear. “Yes, okay. I will. I promise. Yes.” She glanced up at Ava, who sent her a questioning look. “I’ll tell her. Thank you.”
Beatrice hung up and pocketed the phone.
“Mother Superion?”
Beatrice nodded.
“I didn’t know you had a call scheduled today.”
“I didn’t. I called her.” Ava frowned. She didn’t even know that was allowed. “I had a few things I wanted her advice about.”
Ava tried not to be offended that she wasn’t the one Beatrice went to for advice. Maybe it was Jesus stuff. “Oh. And did it help?”
“Hm. Not really, no.” Beatrice shrugged. “She said she’d pray for me, though.”
“Is that a good thing?”
Beatrice sighed. “I don’t really know anymore.”
/
It was a typical Tuesday until Miguel walked in.
It wasn’t Miguel himself. Miguel was fine. He was funny, he was kind, and he didn’t get drunk and hit on her, which was more than she could say for at least half of their patrons at the bar. No, Miguel was perfectly well-behaved that afternoon.
It was Beatrice that was the problem.
Beatrice stopped as soon as she saw Miguel sitting at the bar. Ava smiled, but could practically feel it bounce off of Beatrice’s icy stare. Miguel had been coming in every day for the past two weeks. Beatrice, of course, had noticed him right away. She was immediately suspicious, or maybe jealous. Ava wasn’t entirely sure which, but watching the way Beatrice’s eyes narrowed in on him, she had a feeling that it wasn’t just caution that had Beatrice glaring.
Beatrice walked up so she was standing next to Miguel. She didn’t turn her head away from him as she spoke. “Ava, could you go grab a case of chardonnay, please?”
Ava hesitated. She didn’t want to leave the two of them alone. But she couldn’t think of a good enough reason to say no, so she nodded.
Ava tried to be as quick as possible, but she couldn’t find the right box at first, having to move several cases of merlot, pinot noir and cab franc – yuck, yuck, and yuck – before she finally found the chardonnay.
When she got downstairs, she realized immediately that she should have moved faster. Beatrice was standing only a few inches away from Miguel, her hand wrapped around his wrist so tightly his skin was turning white.
“Stay away from her.” Her voice was a low growl, but Ava, always tuned to Beatrice’s frequency, heard it anyway.
Miguel looked like he wanted to argue, then his eyes found Ava’s over Beatrice’s shoulders. She watched as Beatrice registered his gaze, her back stiffening before she turned to face Ava.
“I’ll be going now.” Miguel nodded at Ava before he walked away, leaving his half-drank water on the bar.
Ava walked behind the bar, setting the box down on top of the back bar before she turned to face Beatrice.
Beatrice’s hands gripped at the wood, her eyes focused on a drip of condensation that had fallen off of his glass. Her jaw worked as she thought. Normally, Ava might find it cute. Right now, she was furious.
“What the fuck was that?”
“What was what?” Beatrice snapped back without looking up.
“That. You. What you just said to Miguel.”
“Nothing. A private matter.”
“A private – fuck, Beatirce, did you just threaten him to stay away from me or not?”
Beatrice’s eyes finally flicked over to hers, and when they did, Ava could feel the heat coming off of them. Beatrice was angry. Was it directed at her? No, that couldn’t be right – she was the one with the right to be mad at this moment.
Beatrice, to her credit, didn’t lie. She merely took a deep breath, nostrils flaring, then nodded. “Yes.”
Ava’s mouth dropped open, incredulous. “Why?”
“Because I – because he –” Beatrice stopped to pinch the bridge of her nose between two fingers before she shook her head. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
Beatrice laughed weakly. “I wouldn’t even know where to start, Ava.”
“Yeah, well, figure it out.”
She left Beatrice standing by herself at the bar, storming off into the walk-in for a much needed cool-down. When she came back out a minute or two later, Beatrice was gone.
/
The rest of the shift was awkward, to put it lightly. Hans picked up on the energy immediately, and – in what Ava assumed was an effort to not get involved – avoided them both as much as he could.
The result was a poorly run bar, frustrated customers, and an increasingly incensed Ava.
By the time they were locking up and walking home, Ava was ready to crawl into bed, close her eyes and forget today ever happened.
They didn’t talk on the way home, or as they climbed the stairs to the apartment. They didn’t talk as Beatrice unlocked the door, or when Ava pushed past her and walked into the bathroom to wash up. They didn’t talk when Ava sat on the bed and turned on the lamp, grabbed her book and pretended to read.
Beatrice broke first. Ava had been sitting and staring at the first page of her book for nearly ten minutes when she heard her voice.
“Ava.” She could tell without looking that Beatrice was standing in the doorway. She could picture her perfectly. Hesitant, but still perfectly composed.
God, she was so infuriating sometimes.
“Can we talk?”
Ava didn’t look up from her book, flipping the page even though she hadn’t read a single word. “I don’t know what there is to talk about.”
“I’d like to explain myself. Or try to, at least.”
“No need.” Ava glanced up at Beatrice, closing her book with a snap. “I know why you threatened Miguel.”
“I really don’t think you do.”
“You’re jealous.”
Beatrice’s mouth clicked shut. Ava expected her to deny it. She expected her to roll her eyes, to shake her head, to walk away. She didn’t expect Beatrice to shift on her feet, poise quickly fading, and apologize. And yet –
“I’m sorry.”
Ava blinked. “You are?”
“Yes.”
“Oh. That’s – that’s good. You don’t have to be, you know. Jealous, I mean, not sorry. I’m glad you’re sorry.”
Beatrice’s eyes dropped again at this, looking shamed. It wasn’t Ava’s intention. She just wanted Beatrice to know that she – what, loved her? The thought of telling Beatrice made Ava’s chest constrict, squeezing the air out of her lungs. But Beatrice did need to know that there was nothing to be jealous of, that she didn’t need to be threatened by every guy who sat in front of Ava at the bar and told her a joke or flashed her a smile. None of them could ever compare.
She needed to say this now, and more importantly, she needed to say this right. Luckily, Beatrice was patient as Ava took the time to choose her words.
“You matter more to me than just about anything, Bea. I would never do anything to hurt you. But the way you act – like I’m just gonna run off with the first guy I see – that hurts.”
Beatrice stared at her for several long seconds before she dropped her gaze. “That was never my intention.”
“It’s… it’s fine. I mean, I get it. I did kind of spend a while running off with quite literally the first guy I saw, but that was before I –”
Beatrice’s eyes snapped up to hers, and before I loved you died in her throat.
Be brave. Please, just be brave.
But she isn’t. She can’t be. Not about this.
“That was before I really knew you.”
“I know. You’ve grown a lot. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you haven’t.”
“Thank you.” Ava wasn’t sure what else to say.
Beatrice didn’t seem to know either. She took a step forward, then stopped. “I can sleep on the couch, if you want.”
It wasn’t something Ava had allowed Beatrice to do since the third night they’d lived in the apartment. The first two, the argument was hopeless, but on the third, something shifted. Ava wasn’t sure if it was the lumpy mattress of the futon, her puppy eyes, or something else, but Beatrice had relented without needing much convincing. They’d slept side-by-side ever since.
“No. You don’t have to. I don’t want you to.”
“Okay.”
Beatrice got ready for bed in silence, disappearing into the bathroom and reemerging in her pajamas a minute later. She crawled into bed from the bottom, careful not to touch Ava as she slid under the covers.
— 5 —
When Ava opened her eyes, she became aware of two things at exactly the same time: she had overslept, and Beatrice was not by her side.
Ava sat up, looking around the room. She frowned when she saw it was completely empty.
“Bea?” she called out, but there was no answer. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed, the floor cold beneath her feet. The apartment was small enough that she was certain within seconds that she was alone.
There was a loud thump at the window, and Ava spun around, fists raised as if she was expecting an intruder. But there was nothing there. Her heart racing, she walked over, lifting the pane, and stuck her head outside.
Nothing.
It must have been a bird. She laid a hand flat over her chest, trying to calm her pounding heart. At least Bea wasn’t here to see that.
Ava had almost made it back to her nightstand to grab her phone and text Beatrice when she heard the door open.
“Where were you?”
In retrospect, it should have seemed obvious. If Ava wasn’t distressed, she might’ve noticed right away. But there was an unknown tension stirring deep in her chest, an anxiety that she woke up with that she couldn’t quite shake, so she missed the clear answer.
“I went for a run.”
It was then that she noticed. Beatrice was dressed for a workout – wearing a tank and shorts, her hair tied back in a messy bun, sweat dotting her forehead from the warm summer air. She could do nothing but watch as Beatrice grabbed a glass from the cupboard and poured herself some water, downing it all at once before refilling it from the tap again. Ava swallowed along with her, watching the movement of her throat as it bobbed.
“A – a run?”
The words even felt dumb as they left her mouth, tripping over each other on the way out.
Beatrice raised an eyebrow at her. “Yes, it’s when –”
“Fuck off,” Ava said, and Beatrice cracked an unexpected smile. Ava’s nerves began to melt, or at least thaw. “Was it good?”
“I needed to clear my head. A run usually does the trick.”
It wasn’t an answer to her question, Ava noticed, but knew that if Beatrice didn’t want to answer, she wouldn’t. There was no use in asking twice. She glanced over at the clock, surprised at the late hour. She would have to take a quick shower today.
“I’m going to take a –”
“Guess I should start getting –”
They both started for the bathroom at the same time, then paused.
“Sorry, you go –”
“Oh, I can wait for –”
There was a beat of silence before Ava laughed, just to fill it. “Sorry, sorry. You go first. You’re much quicker than me, anyway.”
She’d thought Beatrice was the creature of habit, but apparently this small disruption in their morning routine had Ava disoriented.
Beatrice nodded. “I’ll be fast. I’ll even save you some hot water.”
Beatrice was fast, in and out of the shower in less than ten minutes. It was nice, showering second. The room was already warm for her, and she didn’t have to spend time shivering when she inevitably forgot to turn the shower on before she took her clothes off and had to spend minutes waiting.
When she got out, she stepped back into the bedroom, wrapped in a towel. Beatrice was standing near the window, fully dressed. She could tell Beatrice heard her open the door, but she didn’t turn to look. Instead, she spoke facing the street below.
“I have a few things I have to take care of today.” Beatrice was stiff in both her posture and her words. “I told Hans I won’t be able to make it in.”
“You – you did?” It was unlike Beatrice to skip out on work. She hadn’t missed a day yet, in fact. “What do you have to do?”
“Errands.”
It was vague, and left no room for conversation.
“What time will you be back?”
“I don’t know.” Beatrice shrugged.
If Ava felt disoriented before, now she was completely fucking lost. Was Beatrice mad at her? She tried to rack her brain for something – anything – that she might’ve done the night before to earn a cold shoulder, but came up totally blank.
Beatrice waited in the kitchen while Ava got dressed. She spent a full minute staring at her open dresser drawer, trying to put together the pieces, before she forced herself to get a move on.
When she slipped out of the bedroom, Beatrice was sitting at the kitchen table, a hot mug of tea in front of her.
Ava hesitated near the door. “I guess I’ll see you later?”
Beatrice only nodded, and the ball of tension building in her chest swelled, pushing against her lungs and forcing the words out.
“Did I do something wrong?”
“What?” Beatrice looked over at her, frowning. “No, of course not. I’m the one who –” Beatrice punctuated her sentence with a sigh. “I’m sorry, Ava. I woke up in a bad mood, and I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
Ava let out a breath, stress quickly fading. Beatrice was allowed to have a bad day. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah. I appreciate the apology. I’m sorry you woke up in a bad mood.” She considered, briefly, walking over and planting a kiss on Beatrice’s cheek, but decided against it. “I hope your day gets better. I’ll miss you, though.”
Beatrice’s smile was small, but it was there, and that was enough for Ava. “I’ll miss you too.”
“See you tonight!”
/
It was a completely unremarkable, boring day, except Beatrice could apparently read minds now, because when she arrived home after work, there were several bags waiting for her on the kitchen table. It smelled delicious.
“What’s this?”
“Lebanese.”
Her stomach growled in response.
“Oh my god.” Ava grinned. “How did you know I was craving kafta?”
——
The dream started out normally.
She was in the woods, the same one that she and Beatrice frequented at least four times a week to train. The path was familiar to her, her feet knowing the way even when her mind did not as she ran.
It took her a few minutes to realize that she was chasing someone. Usually, in her dreams, she was being chased, but tonight she kept catching glimpses – a bit of hair, a black shirt, or sometimes just a feeling – and she knew without really knowing how that she was chasing after Beatrice.
She picked up speed.
“Bea!” She called out when she was finally in her sights. Beatrice didn’t turn around, and Ava wasn’t sure she could be any louder with how out of breath she was. She had no choice but to continue forward, to follow.
Beatrice led her up a rocky bluff, but when Ava reached the top of it, she was nowhere to be seen. “Beatrice?”
“Ava!”
She turned just in time to see Beatrice, behind her, face fearful and eyes panicked as she careened backwards towards the edge. It happened in a blur, the way things in dreams often did, but the feat she felt in that moment was sharp, in perfect focus. Ava reached, and reached, but she wasn’t close enough to grab, their fingers barely grazing before they separated, the inches between them growing quickly as Beatrice began to fall.
Then the Halo pushed Ava forward, and her fingers circled Beatrice’s wrist. Her feet weren’t on the ground but she was able to pull her to safety, and they both stumbled against the rocks.
It took them a minute to catch their breath, each waiting with their hands on their knees, chests heaving from exertion and adrenaline.
“Thank you.” Beatrice looked up at her, still breathless. “You’re a lifesaver.”
Ava smiled. “No problem. That’s the Warrior Nun’s job, right?”
The world froze. Beatrice’s eyes narrowed. “What did you just say?”
“That’s the –” The world shifted around her, the sky fading to a deep yellow. The trees around her turned to concrete, claustrophobic compared to the wide open air of the Alps. When she looked back up at Beatrice, her eyes were wide and fearful. “ – Warrior Nun’s job, right?” she heard herself say again. “They die so everyone else can live.”
“Ava, don’t.” Beatrice took a step towards her, grabbing for her hands. “Don’t do this. It doesn’t have to go like this. We don’t have to keep doing this, please, just don’t do –”
— 6 —
When Ava opened her eyes, she became aware of two things at exactly the same time: she had overslept, and she was alone.
The last thought panicked her at first. Beatrice rarely, if ever, woke up before she did. It had surprised her at first, to learn that Beatrice wasn’t a morning person, that she needed to be coaxed awake gently or else she’d be unbearably grumpy for at least an hour. Beatrice had a routine, a set way of doing things, and this? This was not a part of it.
Ava looked around the room and found Beatrice standing near the window.
“Beatrice?” Ava stretched her arms over her head as she sat up. “What are you doing over there?”
Beatrice’s gaze didn’t shift away from the window. “I couldn’t sleep. I’ve been having these dreams. Nightmares, really.”
Ava knew the feeling. She’d often had nightmares since they arrived in Switzerland – reminders of all the terrible shit that had happened to her in the past few months, plus a few scenarios her brain cooked up just for fun.
“I’m sorry.”
Beatrice looked over at Ava. Her arms were crossed in front of her, the way she often did when she was upset – not mad, but upset. There was a distinct difference. “What day is it, Ava?”
“Tuesday. Why?”
Beatrice let out a long breath, nodding as she turned back towards the window. “That’s what I was afraid of.”
It was such an odd response that Ava didn’t know what to say, just watched as Beatrice stood at the window for another minute or two.
Finally, Beatrice broke out of whatever daydream had captured her attention, and she walked over and sat at the edge of the bed. “Let’s take the day off. Call in sick.”
“You want to – what?”
“Let’s go somewhere. A hike, or we could get on a train and –”
“Whoa, whoa.” Ava sat up a little straighter. “Are you suggesting we play hooky?”
A smile tugged at the right corner of Beatrice’s mouth, unsure and beautiful. “I suppose I am.”
Ava reached her hand upwards, wanting to press the back of it to Beatrice’s forehead to check for a fever, but Beatrice’s fingers circled around her wrist about halfway and held her still.
The look in Beatrice’s eye was serious, intense in a way that Ava could feel in her veins. “Let’s just run away. From all of it. Just for a day, just to – to see what happens.”
Ava didn’t have to think before she nodded, a wide grin taking over her face.
/
Beatrice bought them tickets at the station. The timing was just right – they only had to wait a few minutes for the train to arrive. Ava took the window seat at Beatrice’s insistence. She was surprised when Beatrice sat down next to her instead of across from her.
“Where are we going?” she asked, but Beatrice just shrugged.
“You’ll see.”
The train ride took two hours, and Ava stared out the window in awe the entire time as the train chugged through the Swiss countryside. The majestic peaks of the Alps loomed in the distance, their snow-capped summits glistening in the sunlight. They passed through picturesque villages and towns, with colorful houses nestled among lush green forests and meadows.
Ava couldn't help but notice the stark contrast between the town they had been staying in and this new place as they stepped off the train. Their town was nestled in the foothills of the Alps and had a more alpine feel with its chalet-style buildings, green pastures and the crisp mountain air. It was warmer here, and she could see the large lake along the edge of town out the window as they approached. Even the buildings were different here – colorful, with terracotta roofs and ornate details.
She was excited to explore it all.
Beatrice held a hand up to her eyes to block the sun as she looked around. She pointed across the street. “Let’s rent bicycles. It’ll be easier to see the whole city in a day.”
“Oh.” Ava followed Beatrice’s finger to a row of blue bicycles. She frowned. “I don’t think I know how to ride. Is it easy?”
“No.”
Beatrice’s answer was so succinct that Ava couldn’t stop the laugh that came out of her. “Can I hitch a ride with you, maybe?”
The thought of riding around on the back of Beatrice’s bike, arms wrapped around her middle, cheek pressed against her shoulder blades as they cut through the warm summer air —
She was delighted when Beatrice nodded.
/
They arrived at a small cafe, one where people sat outside to eat. Ava hopped off the back of the bike while Beatrice situated it in the bike rack. They stood in line together, Ava enjoying the bustle of the other customers, the sound of a language she didn’t know being spoken all around her creating a nice backdrop for her thoughts.
When it was their turn, Beatrice surprised her by stepping up to the counter and placing an order without missing a beat.
Ava’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Wait, you speak Italian? Since when?”
Beatrice shrugged, a smile toying at her lips, and Ava just shook her head with a grin, happy to be endlessly impressed by Beatrice.
They rode to the lake, which was breathtaking in its own right, but Ava was too distracted by the half-sandwich that Beatrice unwrapped and offered to her. Ava read through a pamphlet she’d picked up at the train station as she ate, pointing out all the various things she’d like to see while they were here.
She was nearly finished when she realized that Beatrice hadn’t spoken a word the entire time. “You’re being really quiet.”
Beatrice tilted her head to the side. “Am I? I’m sorry. I just – I guess I’m taking it all in.”
“You’ve been here before though, right?”
“I have, yes.” Beatrice dabbed at her mouth with a napkin. “I suppose I’m enjoying watching you take it all in, would be a better way of putting it.”
There was a sadness in the way Beatrice said it, like she knew that their time here was reaching an end – a feeling of impending something that Ava hadn’t been able to shake lately, either.
She was about to respond when her phone buzzed in her pocket.
“Oh my god.” Ava turned her screen to Beatrice, showing her the photo Hans sent of the bar, incredibly crowded for a Tuesday afternoon. “Poor Hans. Look at how busy it is. He’s going to kill us tomorrow.”
“Maybe.”
Beatrice’s smile was small, secretive, and Ava didn’t understand why but she wanted to pocket it.
/
“Look, Bea! A church. It’s the –” Ava pulled out the pamphlet she’d picked up at the train station, the one that told her about all the cool spots around town to visit. “It’s the ‘most famous place of pilgrimage’ in the city, if that means anything to you. Want to check it out?”
She expected a smile, or some other form of enthusiasm. What she wasn’t expecting was for Beatrice to shake her head. “That’s okay.”
“Come on, I know you want to. It’s only – wait, it’s a twenty minute walk to the top? Oh, I mean – that sounds so cool! Christ and cardio? That’s gotta be right up your alley.”
“No, that’s quite alright. I’m sure there are more fun ways to spend our day than at a church.”
“What?” Ava’s smile faltered. “You’re telling me Sister Beatrice really doesn’t want to go into a cool old church? I bet they give tours and everything!”
Beatrice didn’t seem to know what to say, her eyes searching Ava’s face for a moment before her gaze dropped to her own feet. “I – I haven’t been – I’ve been feeling a bit disconnected from it all, lately. It’s fine. We don’t have to go in. Let’s find something else to do.”
She began to walk away, but Ava didn’t follow. “What? Since when?” For some reason, this new information shook Ava. Beatrice’s faith was steadfast, unwavering. Ava wished she believed in anything as much as Beatrice seemed to believe in her religion. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Beatrice shrugged. “It’s nothing. It’s just, with everything that’s happened…”
She struggled to find what came next, but Ava knew where she was going with it anyway. “It makes sense, don’t get me wrong.” She folded her arms in front of her chest, taking a moment to consider her words. “I’m just surprised you hadn’t mentioned it. It seems like kind of a big deal.”
“I’m sorry.” Beatrice's eyes flicked up to hers. Ava could see the weight of everything that had happened on her shoulders, and she felt a twinge of pity for her friend.
Ava shook her head. “No, you shouldn’t be. I’m sorry. I was being... you’re totally allowed to keep stuff from your – um, from me.”
“You’re my best friend, Ava.”
Ava’s breath caught in her throat. She frequently thought of Beatrice as her best friend — she thought it when Beatrice made her tea in the mornings, when she readied her ice packs after a hard training session, when she let Ava rest her head in her lap while they watched movies — but she hadn’t expected to earn the title back herself. After all, Beatrice had a full life, one with many people who she loved and cared about, and Ava was just – Ava.
“I promise if I’m not telling you something, it’s not because of you. Sometimes I just…don’t understand it enough myself, yet. But it’s never you.”
It felt suddenly like they were talking about something else, and Ava’s heart stuttered against her ribs. It wasn’t until Beatrice began to look concerned, brows pinching together, that Ava realized she was taking way too fucking long to answer.
“Okay.” It was the best she could come up with under the circumstances. ”Where to next?”
/
“I love this.” Ava’s eyes traced the shapes of the clouds as they lay on the ground. “We should do this more often.”
“Skip out on work?”
Ava shook her head, reaching for Beatrice’s hand next to her. “Lay in the grass. Watch the clouds.” She turned to look at Beatrice. “Just… be together.”
While we still can.
“Yes, we should.”
She wasn’t expecting Beatrice to agree, and her face broke out in a grin. “Next week, I’ll plan something. Okay?”
“Next week.” Beatrice turned her eyes back to the clouds. “I would like that very much.”
/
The day passed quickly – too quickly – and before Ava was ready to say goodbye to it, they were watching the sunset by the lake. Beatrice had bought them a bottle of wine, and they shared it as they walked along the shore of the lake.
The moon rose, full and bright. It provided just enough light that Ava could make out Beatrice’s features as she stared out at the stillness, deep in thought.
After what felt like ages of silence, Ava nudged her. “What’s going on in there?”
“Sorry, I’m – thinking.”
“Always are. Care to share what?”
Beatrice shook her head, but spoke anyway. She turned to Ava. “Let’s stay out all night. We can watch the sunrise over the water. We can find a bar – go dancing, if you’d like.”
“You’re – you’re joking, right?” It was hard for her to picture Beatrice, loose and free on the dance floor, but once she did she was in love with the thought.
“No.”
“That sounds – wow.” Ava laughed.
Beatrice’s brow furrowed. “Do you not want to?”
“I do, I do, I just – maybe we could just stay here a little longer. Just the two of us.” She pulled Beatrice’s hand into her own. “I like it when it’s just me and you.”
It was then that she realized how quickly the wine was going to her head.
Beatrice smiled – wide and soft and beautiful, so fucking beautiful – and Ava wanted to crash right into it.
It suddenly occurred to her that she could kiss her. She played it over and over in her head in the span of a single second. She could lean in right now and press their lips together, and she was almost positive that Beatrice wouldn’t pull away. It was the almost that got her, the slight chance that this – whatever this was – was all in her head.
“Ava?”
“Hm?”
“Maybe we should go for a walk. Clear our heads a little. The wine —”
“Right. Yeah, good idea.”
/
They finished the bottle as they circled the lake. It felt like no time at all had passed, but when Ava checked her watch, it was nearing midnight. When Ava stumbled one too many times into Beatrice’s waiting arms – the first couple were an accident, she swore — Beatrice insisted they find a bench to sit down on.
Ava tried to remember if she’d ever had a more perfect day. She couldn’t, and she wouldn’t be able to, because she hadn’t. There are tears in her eyes before she realizes it, and she cursed herself for being such a sappy drunk. At least Beatrice hadn’t noticed yet.
“Ava?”
Shit.
“Nothing, it’s nothing,” she started to say, but then Beatrice’s hands were on hers, pulling them into her own lap, and her thumb was caressing the back of her knuckles as she looked at Ava with so much concern that she wanted to just kiss her, so she started talking instead.
“It’s just… this. Being here, with you. I love it so much, you know? It’s like…I never let myself dream of having this when I was – when I was at St. Michael’s. Even once I got the halo, no matter how badly I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t just run away.”
Once Ava had started, she couldn’t stop. The words just came pouring out as she stared ahead at the water, watching the ripples move through the lake, distorting the reflection of the moon.
“I wanted to, but I knew that it wasn’t possible. My life wasn’t mine to enjoy anymore – maybe that’s why I tried so hard to escape all this those first few days. I wanted to get it all in while I could, you know? But these past few weeks with you, I…”
Ava glanced over at Beatrice, her voice suddenly choking off when she saw a tear traveling down her friend’s cheek. “Whoa, hey, what’s —”
And then Beatrice was hugging her, arms around her neck and body against hers, warm and soft, her nose buried somewhere just below Ava’s ear. When she pulled back, there were tear tracks on both of their cheeks.
“Thank you for today, Ava. No matter what comes next, I need you to know that I –”
“Hey.” Ava cursed her wine-drunk brain for interrupting, but couldn’t stop herself. It felt like Beatrice was saying goodbye, and that wasn’t something she could stand. “Hey, don’t – nothing bad is going to happen, okay? We’re going to keep training, keep working, and then I’m going to kick Adriel’s ass with you by my side.”
Ava’s hand rose to Beatrice’s cheek to brush away the tear that was falling there.
Her fingers lingered against the curve of her cheek, curling against soft skin, and she couldn’t stop her eyes from drifting downwards. Beatrice’s lips parted at the attention, and Ava could practically see the air as it moved through them, dragging heavily against the pink skin. She wanted to, so badly, but she couldn't. She wouldn’t. Not like this.
Instead, when she leaned forward, she directed her head to Beatrice’s shoulder. She melted against her, letting her body release every bit of tension she’d been holding onto against Beatrice’s sturdy frame.
“Ava?”
Ava nuzzled a little further into Beatrice’s shoulder. She was warm. Comfortable. Happy. Her eyes felt heavy, and she didn’t fight the urge to close them. “Hm?”
“Is it midnight already?” She felt Beatrice lift her arm, checking her watch. Ava fell further into her chest when she sighed, and Beatrice’s hand rose to her shoulder, propping her up and shaking her. “Stay awake, Ava. Can you do that for me?”
Ava tried to respond, but her vision was already fading. “Sorry, Bea. No can do. Love you.”
She didn’t have time to panic about what she’d just said before sleep overtook her.
— 7 —
When Ava opened her eyes, she became aware of two things at exactly the same time: she had overslept, and Beatrice was sitting next to her on the edge of the bed.
“Beatrice?” Ava sat up, immediately concerned at the look on Beatrice’s face – her jaw was set, her lips pressed into a firm line, her eyes focused in a way Ava had only seen when she was about to get into a fight. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Beatrice didn’t flinch when Ava spoke, but she didn’t look over at her either, her eyes instead dropping to her hands, clasped in front of her.
“Ava, I need to tell you something.”
Her mind immediately began to run through the possibilities – the handful of good ones (ranging from ‘we’re getting ice cream for breakfast’ to ‘I think maybe I’m in love with you’) and the dozens of bad ones (things that she doesn’t even want to name) – before she forced herself to nod. “Okay. What?”
“I don’t know how to say this without sounding positively insane, but I have to try.” Beatrice took a deep breath through her nose, letting it pass through her lips on the way out. She turned to face Ava. “I’ve been living this day – this same Tuesday – on a loop for a week now.”
At first, Ava smiled. It seemed like a joke. One Beatrice would never make, sure, but a joke nonetheless. But as Beatrice just stared at her with an unwavering determination, her stomach began to sink like an anchor. “Huh?”
Beatrice leaned over to grab her phone, turning the screen on to check the time. “Eight fourteen,” she muttered to herself. “In two minutes and twenty seven seconds, a bird is going to crash into that window.”
Ava looked at the window, then back at Beatrice.
“I know, this sounds impossible, but I promise—”
“Beatrice, I… It’s not that I don’t believe you. I want to believe you, I just – I don’t –”
“I understand.” Beatrice nodded. She seemed oddly calm for the bomb she had just dropped on Ava. “Just… wait. Two minutes. You’ll see.”
Ava watched the clock as it ticked by.
At the last second, she jumped out of the bed and threw open the window.
“What are you –” Before Beatrice could even finish her sentence, a bird flew in through the window, and Ava shrieked.
“Oh, shit!”
Beatrice leapt out of bed as the bird flew into the corner of the room, frantically beating its wings as it tried to figure out where the hell it was. Beatrice was quick on her feet as she made her way to the kitchen. She grabbed a broom and with a determined look, she started to guide the bird towards the window with gentle strokes, trying to corral it towards the opening. As the bird neared the window, it suddenly darted past Beatrice and flew out into the open air.
They stood there for a second, both struggling to catch their breath.
“What – why would you do that?”
“You said it flew into the window.” When that didn’t wipe the bewildered look off Beatrice’s face, Ava shrugged. “I didn’t want it to get hurt.”
This seemed to take the wind out of Beatrice’s sails. “So you — you believe me?”
“Of course I do, Bea.” It wasn’t like it was the craziest thing she’d ever heard – that was reserved for the thousands-of-years-old being trapped in a cave beneath the Vatican. “How did you get here? What happened? Is it… Adriel?”
“No. Not Adriel, not exactly.”
“Okay, then what?”
“I didn’t remember, not at first, but it started coming back to me in dreams. You won, Ava. You defeated him, but the cost was too great. You were injured, you were dying, and I couldn’t—” Beatrice’s voice stopped as she choked on the thought.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. I’m here, see? I’m fine. Not dying.” Ava wiggled her fingers, as if that were proof.
It earned her a wavering smile, even if only for a second. “There was only one way to save you. The arc. There’s a realm beyond the portal, one where you could heal – or be healed, rather, by Reya.”
“Reya?” The name seared a sharp path through her brain, cleaving it in two with a sudden headache.
“I had to let you go. It’s the last thing I remember: watching you slip away, watching you disappear.”
“And then what?”
“Then… then I woke up here. And you’re here, and you’re not dying, and it’s—” Beatrice sucked her lip into her mouth, taking a deep breath through her nose. “It’s wonderful, and it’s the worst thing in the world because I know it’s not real. I know we left this all behind, I know that you’re not really here – neither of us are – and it’s–”
“Beatrice.” Ava reached for her hand, and she stilled at once. Beatrice’s fingers were warm as Ava wrapped her own around them, squeezing. “See? I promise you, I am a hundred percent here. I’m real. Even if we’re living through some weird, fucked up Groundhog Day knock-off, I haven’t gone anywhere, okay? I’ll never leave you.”
They both stood completely still in the heaviness of her words, and Beatrice took what felt like a minute before her shoulders finally relaxed, sagging as she leaned into Ava’s touch.
Beatrice’s hand rose, fingers brushing against her cheek before settling on her neck. She pulled forward until their heads rested together. It was intimate, maybe unusually so for a moment between two friends – but Ava pushed that thought down, focusing on the feeling of Beatrice’s fingers on her skin.
I love you.
“That’s my line, you know.”
Ava blinked, attempting to clear the fog of Beatrice from her mind enough to speak. “Hm?”
Beatrice’s smile was torturously close to her own mouth. “I’ll never leave you.”
“I know.”
/
Ava texted Hans that neither of them would be able to make it to work that day, excusing them both with a highly contagious, extremely fictional stomach bug.
“So, what now?” Ava asked.
Beatrice shrugged from where she sat on the couch. “Do you have more questions?”
“So, so many.” Ava flopped down next to her, propping her head up on her elbow against the back cushion. “When does it reset?”
“It seems to happen at midnight.”
“What happens if you try to stay up past midnight?”
“We fall asleep. Or at least, that’s what it feels like.”
“Have you told me about it before?”
“No, this is the first time.”
“Will you tell me again?”
“I – I think so.”
After Ava had asked everything she could possibly think of – Beatrice patiently answering each question – she took Beatrice’s hand and squeezed. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Thank you for believing me.”
Something occurred to her, but she wasn’t sure how she should ask. Or even if she should. “So this whole me dying thing. How far in the future does that happen?”
Beatrice pinched her mouth to the side in thought. “How long have we been here?”
“A month and a half.”
Beatrice nodded slowly, her throat working. When she spoke, her voice was uncomfortably tight. “We leave in two weeks, and then…”
Ava’s heart sunk somewhere deep, deep inside of her. “Oh. It’s, um – not long at all then, huh?”
Beatrice didn’t answer with words. She pressed her lips into a thin line and shook her head, once, looking like she was trying very hard to not think about it.
Ava couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for either of them. To hear Beatrice tell it, Ava had been very brave, but the thought now – safe, in her living room, with Beatrice by her side… giving any of this up felt impossible.
Ava brought in a breath, haggard and unstable as she prepared for one last question that she couldn’t go on without knowing the answer to.
“Before I – before all that happened, did I… did I say anything? To you?” She hoped Beatrice could understand her meaning.
Beatrice’s eyes found hers immediately. “Yes.”
The breath left her body in a rush. At least that was one less regret she’d have to carry for the rest of her (apparently very short) life.
“Good.” She nodded. She waited a second for Beatrice to elaborate, but she didn’t. “Okay, good. Glad I wasn’t a total coward about it forever.”
“You’ve never been a coward, Ava.” Beatrice took her hand. “You’re the bravest person I know.”
Brave, Ava repeated in her head. In the face of death, maybe. Here? On the couch in their living room, with Beatrice, the person she loved most in the world – the one she would spend a thousand years with, if she could, and it wouldn’t be enough – who she’d just found out she had a few more weeks left to love before she was –
No. She wasn’t brave. She couldn’t be. Not yet, anyway.
Ava pulled away, clearing her throat. “We should totally watch Groundhog Day.”
/
Hours later, as the clock ticked steadily towards midnight, they lay side-by-side in bed.
They’d spent the day simply – Beatrice cooked them breakfast, and they ate it in bed. When it came time to eat dinner, they’d ordered in. They watched movies, read books, and talked infrequently, neither knowing what exactly to say to the other. What could be said?
They hadn’t left each other's side except for the occasional minute or two when it was strictly necessary. Beatrice’s hand had been in hers all day, if not on the back of her neck, or resting on her knee.
Beatrice seemed resigned, but content. Like she knew that all she could do was enjoy this one day before it was all gone. Ava, on the other hand, had been restless.
“Are you okay?”
Ava turned to face Beatrice at the sound of her voice. She must’ve looked at least a fraction as nervous as she felt, judging by the concerned expression on Beatrice’s face.
“Not really.” The honesty felt easier now that there were only a few minutes left. Ava didn’t want to forget any of it. “Is it weird that I’m nervous?”
“I don’t think so.” Beatrice squeezed her hand, inching closer so their shoulders were touching. “It’ll be okay. I promise.”
She glanced at the clock on the nightstand, heart seizing when 11:59 flashed back at her. She only had a minute.
“I’m sorry this is happening to you. I know it must be – I can’t even begin to understand, I don’t think. But I’m sorry. And if you tell me, I promise I’ll believe you every time, okay? Because you’re my best friend, and I – I –” Ava’s voice trailed off as she yawned. “I trust you.”
And then, because she knew it was safe – because maybe Beatrice already knew –
“I love you.”
Beatrice smiled – sad and watery, but a smile nonetheless, earning its usual reaction in Ava’s heart. She said something, her lips moving, but Ava was too tired to hear the words, too tired to do anything but to close her eyes and let sleep take her.