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“Knock it off, Jisung.”
The quiet patter of Jisung’s bare feet against the hardwood floor of their shared room comes to a stop, along with a sheepish muttered apology. Renjun is a notoriously light sleeper, and the last thirty minutes or so of his roommate pacing up and down the narrow walkway between their beds was enough to keep slumber just out of reach.
Jisung quickly climbs into the bottom bunk of the one-man bunk bed, the upper bunk rendered useless when the younger had injured his knee two years ago. They had decided to use the upper bunk for storage of their bits and bobs, dedicating a small corner for the plush toys Jisung had for some peculiar reason deemed too childish to sleep with, but too sentimental to throw away.
His pacing was another peculiarity Renjun noticed long ago, a habit born during times of high stress and contemplation. He’d been doing it quite often lately, but this night seemed worse than usual. With a quiet huff, the elder pulls himself into a seated position against the headboard, patting the vacated space by the foot of his bed. “Come,” he murmurs softly, “tell hyung what’s on your mind.”
It would be funny if it weren’t so worrisome-- the overgrown maknae making his way over in one long stride, quickly taking up more than his fair share of space as he sits cross-legged in Renjun’s bed. His cuticles are red and bitten raw, and his dark hair shadowing his face as he determinedly avoids making eye-contact. Renjun had long since grown to appreciate the contradictions that were Jisung. Young, but forced to mature quick and far beyond his years. Naturally introspective often to the point of self-induced anxiety, but a natural born performer. Private and guarded, but quick to open up to the people he loved and trusted.
“Something weird happened today, just before we got on stage,” Jisung whispered, pointedly looking straight at his fingers as he continued to pick at his skin. Renjun quickly covered his hands with his own, not quite holding them but enough to put a stop to the nervous tic. Jisung stills for a moment, not expecting the sudden contact, before taking a quiet inhale and continuing on. “While I was trying to find my in-ears, one of the MCs— he—“
“Did someone say something bad to you?” Renjun’s grip on the maknae’s hands tighten involuntarily, a swirl of worry and preemptive anger consuming his brain. As an idol, he has had no choice but to learn tolerate disrespect directed towards himself, but that grace was much harder to extend when the people he cared about were the ones being disrespected.
“No hyung, relax. Nothing bad, I promise.” Jisung reassures him quickly, peering up through the wispy hairs falling over his forehead. “He asked for my number, and if he could take me on a date,” he rushes to say, barely loud enough for Renjun to hear. “When I said no, he said he’d heard from someone that I was gay.”
A wave of relief rushes over Renjun, who would laugh if the anguish he could feel radiating off Jisung wasn’t so palpable. A small part of him felt strangely disappointed in the younger’s reaction as well, but he wasn’t quite ready to analyze what that meant. “People say a lot of things, Jisung-ah. You know someone thinking you’re gay isn’t a bad thing or an insult, right?”
“Yes, I know that. It’s just…” Jisung whispers, almost as if he were afraid of being overheard. His nails are digging into the skin of Renjun’s palms almost painfully, eyes trained on the matching rings on each of their hands. He pulls his hands free from Renjun’s grip, twisting the ring around his finger faster and faster as his words begin tumbling out, heart racing almost audibly. “How can he tell? Is it obvious? I don’t know how he knows and it’s freaking me out, I haven’t ever told anyone and I don’t even know for sure and I just don’t know what i’m—“
“Jisung, it’s okay. You can calm down.”
As surprised by this sudden revelation Renjun is, he tries his best not to let it show on his face. Jisung, his roommate and beloved friend had just sort-of come out to him, and not entirely by choice. He wanted to make sure Jisung didn’t think he was uncomfortable or displeased by any means. If anything, Renjun felt a surge of warmth and pride flow through him, knowing that Jisung had entrusted him with something he had been holding close to his heart for who knows how long.
“I promise he isn’t a mind reader, Jisung,” Renjun murmurs with a hint of a smile playing on the corners of his lips. He smooths his hand down the back of Jisung’s head, flattening down any flyaways. “Even if his speculation is true, only you can share the truth with others when and if you ever decide to. Hyung will always keep your secrets, so you don’t need to worry anymore. You know that, right?”
Jisung only releases a heavy breath in response, his body slowly relaxing and losing tension as he rearranges himself to lay across the bed, head propped up against Renjun’s knee and feet hanging off the edge. Exhaustion seeps through his pores as Renjun finally gets a clear look at his face, albeit upside down from their positions. Jisung’s eyes are closed, his eyelids puffy and slightly raw, blemished skin almost angelic under the soft glow of their bedroom lamp. His relief is palpable, and Renjun feels relieved too.
“I know hyung,” Jisung breathes, fingers looping around the drawstring of his hoodie. “I always trust you. I think I was just caught off-guard and it freaked me out. You know how I can get.”
Renjun chuckles at that, because he really does know. It was very on-brand for Jisung to jump to the worst possible conclusion. The quiet part did not need to be said out loud— being identified as gay in their industry would not only bring their careers crashing down, but it would open up Jisung to a level of scrutiny and hate that his already tender heart could not bear. “Is that why you’ve never told us? Are you afraid it might come out somehow?”
“A little bit, but not entirely,” the younger hums contemplatively. “I was honestly afraid that I’d make you guys uncomfortable. I don’t think I’d be able to handle that.” His honesty hurts, and the pang in Renjun’s heart is hard to ignore. “I also hoped I could just avoid the topic altogether. I had honestly kind of decided to never bring it up, and just live my life alone…”
Tender fingers brush Jisung’s hair back entirely, until his whole face is exposed. Affection and empathy overtake Renjun, until he can feel the familiar prickle of tears in the corners of his eyes. No one deserves a life of loneliness, much less Jisung with his overgrown heart and so much love to give. He tries his hardest to keep his voice stable. “You’ve been having it hard Jisungie, hyung is really sorry.”
“You should be able to live how you want, and I’m sorry you can’t right now,” Renjun continues, the injustice of the situation leaving his voice unstable and low. The soft but vulnerable atmosphere in their dimly lit room spurring him on. “We all deserve to be loved in that way, and in every way. And to love whoever we want back. Hyung understands… perhaps in a different way, but I do.”
“Wait,” Jisung says as his eyes flit back up to Renjun’s face, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. “Are you… like me?”
“Not quite,” Renjun admits, a bit surprised with himself at how quickly it comes together in his mind. His own inclinations had never been quite clear to him, but there was one thing he knew for sure. “I guess I just never cared much for the boundaries people have set up around love, romance, any of that,” Renjun murmurs, piecing his thoughts together out loud. “If someone I love happens to be a girl, great. If they’re not…” he exhales quietly, “that’s okay too.” Jisung looks up at him with a smile.
“I appreciate you, hyung” Jisung mumbles, a faint dusting of pink over his cheeks. Affection never really came naturally to him. This earned him a pinch to his soft cheeks.
“I know, Jisungie. Now move over if you’re planning to stay here, because I need to get some sleep.”
—————————
The cloud of contemplation hanging over Jisung’s head quickly dissipated over the following days. He was their playful maknae again, enjoying the scheduled activities and free time in equal measure. Generally, he was back to his usual self, to the great relief of the entire team. This particular evening, however, he had something else on his mind.
“Renjunnie?”
Jisung was quickly met with a glare from the small man across the room. He couldn’t help but laugh at the full sight of Renjun with his reading glasses perched on his tall nose, bundled up in bed for the evening as he held his reading tablet in one hand, and a warm mug of tea in the other. Hardly threatening, but he acquiesced anyways.
“Renjun hyung?”
“What do you want, Jisung-ah?” he fake-sighed, trying to seem annoyed but finding it hard to keep from smiling as the maknae made his way into his bed uninvited. Renjun quickly set down the cup of tea on the bedside table, scooting over to make space for the younger. They laid parallel to one another, sharing a pillow on the bed that was perfectly sized for just Renjun, but a bit too crowded by Jisung’s broad frame. It was okay though, only because he was cute.
“I wanted to ask you something, but it’s a bit… personal.” Jisung preempts, a blush beginning on the high points of his cheeks. “Is that okay?”
Renjun raises an eyebrow, peering over at the younger. Knowing Jisung, it could literally be anything. His mind worked in ways that Renjun would never fully understand. “Sure, go for it.”
“Have you ever, um…” Jisung hesitates, again fiddling subconsciously with the ring on his middle finger with a pained expression. “I was wondering, after we talked a few days ago. Fuck, this is so embarassing.”
“Quit cussing, Jisungie. Spit it out.”
“Have you ever kissed a boy?”
Not what Renjun was expecting, and now it was his turn to blush. Jisung took his silence as a prompt to keep going.
“I mean, I’m asking because I haven’t. Not that I haven’t kissed anyone at all! I kissed a girl once, she was one of our makeup artists when we were in Busan, but it really wasn’t that exciting. Kind of weird. Not that she was weird! She was very pretty, and good at flirting, even though I didn’t notice she was flirting with me at first. Everyone said she was, so we met up backstage after the performance. But I didn’t feel anyth—“
“I haven’t,” Renjun interrupts, in part to save Jisung from his own rambling. He continues, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t do much kissing anyone, honestly. Part of the job.”
“True,” Jisung sighs, the prickly hairs rubbing from his legs on Renjun’s side as he taps his foot on the end of the bed frame contemplatively. “I know this probably sounds stupid, but you know how people always talk about getting butterflies in the stomach when they kiss, or something like that?”
Renjun hums in acknowledgment, not really sure where Jisung was going with this one.
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m not really… you know,” he gestures vaguely, literally at nothing, but years of interpreting Jisung-isms has Renjun nodding in understanding. He doesn’t want to say it out loud quite yet. “If I could find a boy to kiss, at least I’d have that frame of reference. But that’s not possible, because I can’t tell anyone about— you know.” He concludes with a sigh.
“What about me?” Renjun blurts out, before his good judgement has time to kick in. He can think of about a million reasons as to why kissing your younger bandmate and friend is a bad idea, but only one logical solution to Jisung’s problem. “I mean, if the idea makes you uncomfortable, we can just forget it.”
The look of unfiltered shock makes it clear that Jisung had not thought of this first, before coming to talk with Renjun. “Do you mean that, hyung?”
Renjun nods, resolutely ignoring the cacophony of voices in his mind telling him to back out. He and Jisung had known each other for years at this point, experiencing all of the highs and lows of adolescence and idol life all in one go. The two years between them seemed like a canyon when they were teenagers. Now, however, it was truly undeniable that Jisung was an adult just like him, through and through. Sure, he was still occasionally petulant and tearful, but he had become simultaneously dependable and mature, impressing each and every person he came across in his life. He had also grown like a weed, first becoming tall and lanky, but in recent years, settling into his height and his stature beginning to match. Jisung was grown, and he was lovely. It didn’t hurt that he was incredibly handsome, but that was par for the course in their industry.
“If you want to Jisung, yes. I trust you, and I hope you trust me too. Just know that this can be casual, just trying something out. Nothing has to change between us, okay?” Renjun wasn’t sure if he fully believed that part himself.
“I do. I mean, trust you. And want to.” Jisung answers quickly and resolutely, as if it weren’t even a question that he wanted Renjun to kiss him. To add insult to Renjun’s already injured psyche, Jisung sits up, his expression endearingly eager cheeks slightly puffed. “Please?”
“Don’t act cute Jisungie, it’s not working.” Renjun tries to joke to hide the fact that he’s internally fully freaking the fuck out. He can’t believe that Jisung of all people is the composed one, considering what is about to go down between them. Renjun also doesn’t know why he himself is so on edge, but puts that thought to the back of his mind for now. Renjun sits up, and they once again find themselves cross legged, sitting across the bed. Jisung scoots forward until their knees are touching.
“So,” Jisung breathes, his nerves finally beginning to reveal themselves. “Can I kiss you?”
Renjun can only nod, not willing to trust his voice in this moment. His eyes flutter close and in a heart beat, he feels the warm aura of Jisung closing in on him. A large, heated hand rests awkwardly on his shoulder, and a tentative pair of lips press against his.
Sure, Renjun will admit he isn’t exactly the most experienced kisser, but he’s got a little know-how under his belt. Since he offered to kiss Jisung in the first place, he figures he owes it to the younger to make it a good one. Once the initial shock of “oh my god, I’m kissing Jisungie” is pushed to the side Renjun rests his hands on Jisung’s knees before leaning in and upwards, tilting his head to deepen the kiss.
Jisung’s lips are mostly still, almost vibrating self-consciousness as Renjun takes the lead, but he makes no move to pull back. Renjun gently alternates between Jisung’s soft upper and lower lips, tasting the sweet mint of his lip balm before pulling back to analyze the younger’s expression. “Was that okay? What are you thinking?”
Jisung doesn’t open his eyes right away, but the violent blush and quiet uneven breathing gives him away. Renjun takes the opportunity to admire Jisung’s soft, full and pink lips and the cute mole underneath them. “I think…” Jisung begins, eyes slowly opening as he looks right into Renjun’s inquiring ones. “Yeah. Definitely gay.”
Renjun can’t help but laugh, a mixture of relief, exhilaration, and something else he can’t quite put a finger on. “Glad to be of service to you, Jisungie.”
“Can we do that again, hyung?” Jisung asks abruptly, hand running through his hair nervously. “If you want to, I mean.” He doesn’t make a move to justify why he wants to kiss Renjun again, and secretly, Renjun is glad he didn’t. “Sure Jisungie, we can do whatever you want.”
If Jisung could flush any more than he already had, he’d be bright red. The unintentional innuendo was not lost on him, oblivious as he could be sometimes. Without another word, scoots himself even closer to Renjun, crowding him against the headboard, before pressing their lips together again.
Instinctively, Renjun’s arms make their way around Jisung’s shoulders to stabilize himself, pointedly ignoring the intimacy of their positioning. Jisung’s lips are more quizzical this time, moving gently but with little finesse along the seam of Renjun’s tender mouth. Large, warm hands rest on the elder’s small waist, and Renjun sincerely hopes his involuntary shiver goes unnoticed.
Their kiss remains relatively chaste, and time passes without the acknowledgment of either of them. Jisung’s hands periodically make their way slightly up and down Renjun’s sides, in a way that is a little too enthusiastic to be definitively labelled as “friendly”. Again, filed away to think about later. One thing Renjun absolutely cannot file away to think about later is the sensation of Jisung’s warm, wet tongue running along the seam of his lips. A flash of heat ripples through his body from head to toe, as his lips part instinctively, arms tightening around Jisung’s broad (and now that he’s really feeling them, kind of muscular?) shoulders. Jisung licks tentatively into the small, warm mouth of his hyung, curiosity, affection and a smidgen of arousal seeping through his movements. Renjun quickly reciprocated, teeth grazing the plump lip between his, eliciting a quiet gasp.
A bit of strength and mainly the element of surprise are what help Renjun get the upper hand, very suddenly pushing Jisung down into the mattress as he doesn’t think, and just does. He admires the artwork sprawled out beneath him— Jisung’s sweater completely off one shoulder, his lips looking slightly bruised and thoroughly kissed. Kind, warm eyes trained only on Renjun, as if he couldn’t bear to look away. Renjun quickly settles over Jisung, supporting himself on his elbows and knees before catching his mouth once again. They kiss languidly, unhurried for what seems like forever, their purpose for being here in the first place long forgotten. Renjun has decided that the consequences of his actions will be a problem for later, for he is enjoying this far too much, and Jisung’s heavy breathing and pliant lips indicate that he feels the same. Eventually Renjun’s arms tire and he settles fully into Jisung’s side, the younger curling into him and intertwining their legs for a brief second. His kiss-addled brain takes longer than expected to realize what the warm, firm object pressed against his thigh is, and why he is being unceremoniously dumped on the side of the bed by a panicked, babbling Jisung.
“Oh my god, oh my fucking god, hyung I—“ Jisung panics, quickly sitting up and drawing his knees in towards his chest to hide his erection, the pulling the soft fabric of his basketball shorts up to cover as much of himself as possible. “I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to— to do that! I can’t believe I did that, we were just kissing, I didn’t even reali—“ he gasps out, unable to take in a full breath.
“Jisung, you need to calm down. It’s okay, I’m hard too.”
In the moment of silence, Jisung pauses before his eyes flit down to the conspicuous tenting fabric of Renjun’s sleep pants, eyes wide and mouth open without a sound.
Renjun sounds far more composed than he feels. He’d been so caught up in the moment, the all-consuming feeling of Jisung’s lips, hands and the sheer size of him surrounding Renjun’s admittedly smaller frame, he hadn’t bothered to acknowledge the warm and familiar heat building in his core. He felt embarassed too, but wanted to make sure Jisung was okay more than anything. “I mean, we both got pretty into it, didn’t we? It’s a very natural reaction. In fact,” Renjun jokes, “I’m kind of flattered. Guess I’m a better kisser than I thought.”
“You are. A good kisser, I mean.” Jisung mumbles, his knuckles turning white as he grips the hems of his short as if someone were trying to take them away. “I just, didn’t mean to press… it against you like that, especially without your permission, hyung.”
“Well, you can ask for my permission now.” Renjun murmured quietly, almost afraid to hear himself speak these words out loud. He knew what he was insinuating was very clear, but it was no use in pretending anymore. His feelings about Jisung grew more and more complicated with every passing second, but this was the one thing he was sure of in that moment. “Hyung will do whatever you want.”
“Can you touch me, please?” Jisung breathes, his voice wavering. His were darker than Renjun had ever seen them, full of arousal, and a little bit of desperation.
“Of course Jisungie. Come—“ Renjun pats the same spot next to him that the younger had just vacated. “Let hyung take care of you.”
Jisung’s movements are jerky with self-consciousness and nerves as he settles back in beside Renjun, his hands still hovering over the front of his pants. Renjun quickly takes both of his hands into his own, interlacing their fingers in a small display of the ever-present affection he had for the younger. Without another word, Renjun reconnects them, trying to bring them back to an atmosphere where they were both relaxed into the newly familiar sensation of their lips meeting.
Before long, Jisung is panting against Renjun’s slick mouth once again, less kissing and more an attempt to keep his breathing in check without breaking contact. Renjun takes the opportunity to move down and pepper wet kisses along the maknae’s sharp jaw, and the long line of his neck. The breathy moans Jisung lets out in response is more than enough to spur him on.
Gently, Renjun pulls his hands from Jisung’s tight grasp, settling them on his own hips. “Listen,” he murmurs softly against the heated skin under his lips. “When you want to stop, you tell me right away okay?” Jisung quickly nods in response, his “yes, okay” sounding punched out. Renjun continues to drag his lips along his neck and the sliver of chest exposed by the scooped neck of Jisung’s t-shirt under his sweatshirt as he drags his hand down Jisung’s toned abdomen, before settling over the heat in the front of his pants and giving a gentle squeeze.
Jisung reacts like he’s been struck by lightning, his entire body jerking in response to the new sensation. He was so hard by now that it was bordering on painful, and dazedly wondered how much he’d be able to handle. He didn’t have time to wonder for long, as the gentle squeeze morphed into firm massaging over the layers of fabric, his hips bucking up into the touch.
“Wow Jisungie,” Renjun sighed, his unsteady voice giving away just how aroused he was. “I shouldn’t be surprised, considering how big you are everywhere else. But this is a lot,” he chuckled breathlessly, thoroughly enjoying the way Jisung whined in embarrassment through gritted teeth. “Can I take these off?” Renjun gestures towards the shorts.
“Yes, hyung. Please.”
Renjun makes quick work of the fabric, the surreality of the fact that Jisung was in his bed and naked from the waist down not lost on him. He couldn’t help but ogle a bit. Jisung, who was still so shy he insisted in full privacy when changing around the members, was laid out here with his cock flushed an angry, swollen red and already drooling onto his abdomen. And it was kind of huge, even when surrounded by a thatch of thick, dark hair. If Renjun wasn’t so dizzy with arousal, he might feel a bit self-conscious.
No further time was was wasted, as Renjun’s fingers wrapped tenderly around the pink head of the length in front of him, rubbing his thumb against the slit and eliciting a sharp gasp from Jisung as he spread the wetness around. The teasing came to a quick end, as Renjun gripped his cock and pumped his hand at a firm and steady pace, reading Jisung’s expression for feedback. He shifted closer to Jisung, pressing himself along Jisung’s hip and sighing as the slight pressure brought him some sweet relief.
“Is this okay, Jisungie?” Renjun breathes, his tongue tracing his words gently along the shell of Jisung’s ear. He begins to rock his hips against Jisung’s side, the fabric of his sleep pants slightly uncomfortable against his erection but too good for him to care. “Is hyung making you feel good?”
“Don’t—d-don’t talk like that, please,” Jisung stammers, his hips bucking erratically into the tight circle of Renjun’s fist, made slick with sweat and precome. The smell of sex permeated the small room, heavy with arousal and the musky smell of a young man in heat. The sound of Renjun working his erection slick and loud in the otherwise quiet room. “Ah, hyung— I think I’m gonna, ah fuck—“ the younger panted, dark hair matted to his forehead with sweat, the front of his t-shirt damp with exertion.
“Come on Jisungie, it’s okay. Let it go,” Renjun whispers, his own orgasm fast approaching as he humps Jisung’s leg with all the enthusiasm of a teenage boy. “Hyung is gonna come too—“
With a choked groan and hand fisted in the fabric of Renjun’s shirt, Jisung’s eyes squeeze close as he orgasms, back arching, cum thick and warm dribbling into and over Renjun’s fist. He doesn’t stop his ministrations until Jisung’s hips have stopped bucking entirely, exhaustion seeping heavy into his bones.
“Ah— you’ve got hyung so hot Jisungie, don’t move” Renjun grits out, his legs now firmly wrapped around Jisung’s bare one as he pleasures himself on the maknae’s body, his cock pulsing. “Fuck—“ he chokes, panting into Jisung’s sweat-damp hair as his vision whites out, relishing in the full-body high as cum pulses into the front of his pants before he collapses into the mattress as well.
Heavy breaths are the only sound permeating the room, the post orgasmic bliss coursing through the both of them. Jisung curls back into Renjun, scooting himself down to press his face into Renjun’s equally sweaty chest. It have been comical to any unlucky passer-by— the enormous maknae curled into his tiny hyung, bare legs dangling off the edge of the bed. They were kind of gross, but neither could find it in themselves to care.
“Hyung?”
“Hmm?”
“Can I tell you something?”
Terror seized Renjun’s entire body, and he reactively tensed up. Did Jisung not enjoy it? Renjun was the older one after all, he shouldn’t have persuaded— no, even offered to do this, he shouldn’t have taken something Jisung should have given to someone he loved. Jisung confided in him in a moment of vulnerability, and Renjun took advantage of that. Now their relationship was about to be ruined forever an—
“I think I like you. I have for a long time, and I should have said so before now.” A shy, tired smile graces Jisung’s face. “I don’t really know what love is yet, but you always take such good care of me. I want to take care of you too. And it doesn’t hurt that I think you’re cute. Thank you.”