Chapter Text
The morning after the train derailment, Abby had called Buck and left a voicemail asking to meet with him. He wanted to just... not respond. He wanted her to feel a modicum of what he had felt, but in the end, he just wasn't that person. He told her that he wasn't very free, which was true, but that she could try coming to the station. It might be nice to get some semblance of closure.
Later that week, for the first time in over 2 years, Buck watched Abby walk into the 118. For a moment, he lets himself remember what it was like to be with her, to feel loved, to feel heard. He leads her up the stairs, and they sit at the kitchen table.
He sits across from her.
He won't - can't - look at her.
"Thanks for agreeing to meet with me," Abby says after an uncomfortable silence.
"How, uh, how's Sam?" Buck asks. It's all he can ask right now.
"He's doing okay, expected to make a full recovery," He can hear her smile.
"Glad to hear it." He won't look at her.
"I will never be able to thank you enough for what you did." She ducks her head, trying to catch his eye. He won't look at her. He shrugs.
"Just doin' my job, that's all." He won't look at her.
"I'm... sorry you had to find out about it this way." That gets Buck's attention. His eyes snap to Abby's. He can't look away. "I had actually wanted to talk to you about everything while I was in town." Abby inches her hand closer to his hand- the one on the table. His other hand curls into a fist against his thigh.
"That's what you're sorry for?" Bucks says, his voice barely a whisper. He's looking right at her, he can't look away. "Not for-" the lump in his throat catches and he looks down, takes a breath, and nods. He can't do this anymore. He wants to be done, wants to forget this conversation ever happened. Fuck closure. He doesn't need closure. Closure is overrated- like Drake, or La La Land. "Great. Thanks." He runs a hand over his face and moves to stand, but Abby puts a hand on his wrist and he freezes.
"Buck," Abby pleads. "I didn't..." She finally looks away, and sighs. "I didn't know I wasn't coming back when I left. Look, I was a person whose life revolved around everybody else's problems." Buck hates that he understands. "I had no identity other than... the people that I was helping: my 9-1-1 calls, my dying mother. I just had no sense of self. I had to leave everything that I knew so that I could remember who I actually am." Her hand is still on his wrist and it burns. He can't look away from it.
Buck gets it- he really does- but all he can hear, apart from the blood rushing in his own head, is that he was just another problem.
"And, uh, you did, right? I mean. You remembered, but you still didn't come back." Is that his voice? He can't move his wrist.
"Yeah, I know." She tugs on his wrist, and he sits down again. Why does he sit back down? "I think I was afraid that if I came back, I would become that person again. Because I missed you. I wanted to see you," A pang goes through his chest. He can't look away. "but I didn't trust myself." She finally lets go of his wrist, and Buck closes his eyes.
His mind is racing, his anger and his compassion battling against each other. On the one hand, she needed time to process her mother's death - what kind of a person is he to be mad at her? They hadn't even been dating that long. But on the other... didn't he deserve to have that freedom to know himself too? What, was he not worth the amount of time it takes to break up with someone? Not even a 'hey, i want to break up' then block them on all social media and turn off your phone?
In the end, his compassion wins. If there's one thing he can relate to, it's living your life for other people.
"Because... because being here with me, you might lose yourself." He looks at his hands.
"Yeah." Her voice is... sad. And there's something else there- pity. It's faint, but it's there. Buck hates her. He gets it. He gets it, and he's so fucking angry at her. And part of him, however small, still loves her. The lump in his throat gets harder to swallow.
He looks at her, and then he hears the voices of his team - Bobby, Hen, Chimney, Eddie - coming up the stairs. They can't see him like this. He feels nauseous, lightheaded- he has to get air. He stands and finally, over his shoulder, he manages to speak.
"I'm glad. You deserve to be happy." And then, as fast as he can without alarming his coworkers, he makes his way downstairs. Eddie smiles at him.
Yeah. Fat chance of that.
Fast as he can, then.
"Hey man," Eddie says. Buck's gait doesn't slow. "are you-" And then Buck walks past him, down the stairs, and out the bay doors, leaving Eddie and the rest of the team to guess as to what spooked him.
______________________
They don't have to guess for long- Abby is still sitting at the table. Eddie can feel Bobby tense beside him. He hears Hen curse under her breath. Chim stops chewing his gum.
Chimney, surprisingly, is the first to move. He makes his way towards the coffee maker - after spending an appropriate amount of time glaring at Abby. Eddie follows him; he wasn't there for Abby, and even though he knows what happened, he doesn't know her. He turns to look back at Bobby and Hen, still stuck in place and staring at the former dispatcher.
Abby takes them all in, then stands and grabs her purse. "I should um, I should go." She makes her way towards the stairs and Bobby stops her with an arm.
"Actually, I'd like to speak to you for a moment." Bobby says, and yeesh. That's a tone usually reserved for incompetent bosses or workers, who don't leave signs by elevator doors they're actively working on. Hen's eyes dart from Abby to her captain, and then she turns on her heel, and heads back downstairs.
"Of course." Abby clears her throat. "I wanted- I also wanted to thank you, Captain Nash, for-"
"I'm gonna stop you right there. I don't want your gratitude. A job well done and a life saved is all the thanks I need. What I need from you, is for you to tell me what you just said to my firefighter to make him flee this house like a bat outta hell." Bobby puts his hands on his hips.
Chimney and Eddie share a glance, continuing to pour themselves coffee.
'This is gonna be good' Chim mouths at Eddie. Eddie cracks a smile at that.
"I had just... thanked him for saving my fiancé." She crosses her arms, almost hugging her purse.
Eddie rolls his eyes.
"Right. Your fiancé. How long have you been engaged?" Bobby asks, but it's rhetorical.
"Look, Captain Nash-"
"When did you know you weren't coming back?" He snaps.
"I...," Abby sighs. "I needed to leave all this behind to get myself back. I don't know when-"
"Well let me tell you how long he waited. 5 months." Bobby crosses his arms. Abby looks surprised at this. "Oh, longer than you had though, huh?"
"I thought he would have... I didn't- after we stopped talking..." She stammers.
"Right, if I remember correctly that was what, a month and a half?" At least she has the decency to look ashamed. "You were out across the world finding yourself and grieving, and healing. I get it, more than anyone, I really do understand that. But in all of that work on yourself, you couldn't spare a single text? A single, courteous call?" Bobby's voice sounds just like a father's. Disappointed, furious, righteous. Chimney abandons the coffee machine, walking just a bit closer to intervene if necessary.
"I didn't know what to say to him." Abby snaps back, throwing her arms out. "I didn't think-"
"No. You didn't. Evan Buckley is the most loyal and kind firefighter - man - I've ever had the pleasure of working with." He laughs a little, gestures to the bay doors. "Turned down a settlement from the city in favor of just going back to work with his family. And you couldn't spare a moment of your time to let him go. Not a word for 2 years, not to apologize, not to tell him about your fiancé, not even to just check in." He holds up a finger for each scenario, never once breaking eye contact. "He deserved better. Deserves better."
She swallows, clearly fighting back tears. "Captain Nash, I-" He holds up a hand.
"Get out of my house."
They hold each other's stare, but of course, Bobby wins. Abby hangs her head, nodding. She begins to walk out, then pauses next to him.
"I'm glad he has you looking out for him, Captain Nash." She says softly. And with that, she's gone.