Chapter Text
Akk learns his new roommate has nightmares two weeks into his senior year of college.
Or should he call them night terrors? He isn’t sure, but they seem bad enough to be called that.
Akk doesn’t know much about dreams and such. He sleeps like the dead, falling into deep, dreamless slumber as soon as his head hits the pillow after his exhausting day of lectures, judo practice, and tutoring.
All Akk knows is that whatever it is that makes Ayan scream, shake and cry in his sleep, it must be bad.
Akk knows little about Ayan. He doesn’t talk much beyond the sarcastic, witty remarks about the stuck-up trust fund kids who make up ninety percent of the student body (Ayan’s words), and the occasional ‘what’s up’ whenever they happen to cross paths in and out of their shared dorm room.
Their room consists of scant furniture. Their beds are on opposite sides of the room, facing each other, only two or three meters apart. There’s a big window to the left, a cluttered desk right under it while their shared wardrobe is tucked on the right wall between the door that leads to the corridor and the bathroom door. It’s not a big room, but it’s comfortable enough for two people.
So when he wakes up to Ayan’s loud screaming as he repeats different variations of the same words, “No! Please, I’m sorry. Forgive me, please. Please,” Akk only needs to take half a dozen steps to end up at Ayan’s bedside.
Akk stands there, next to Ayan’s bed, not knowing if he should shake Ayan awake or try to calm him down without waking him up. He reaches towards Ayan but hesitates mid-motion when the other starts mumbling again, head whipping from side to side.
“I promise… I promise I’ll do right by you this time!” Ayan says before his crying intensifies, sobs wracking through his body. He is curled up into a ball, his usual small frame made even smaller, and Akk can see the tear streaks gleaming on his cheek under the light of the artificial lamp outside of the window.
“Fuck,” Akk curses under his breath before he moves forward, slowly and carefully, placing a bony knee on Ayan’s bed and leaning forward until he is half hovering above Ayan.
“Aye,” Akk calls softly. They’re not close enough for him to be using Ayan’s nickname but he has heard some people call him that so he figures it might help the situation. “Aye, it’s okay. It’s just a dream, you’re fine, you’re okay.”
Akk isn’t sure if Ayan can hear him, but he keeps assuring him everything is fine, keeping his tone gentle. He ends up sitting on the bed with an arm around Ayan’s shoulder and, much for Akk’s relief, it seems to have somewhat of a calming effect on the sleeping man.
Without thinking much of it, Akk starts rubbing Ayan’s shoulder soothingly, still talking to him, trying to pull Ayan back from whatever was so frightening that it had him shaking, and Akk notices, sweating through his t-shirt. The fabric stretched over Ayans back is damp with perspiration. Akk intends on waking the other up as soon as he’s calmed down completely so he can change to a clean, dry one. He doesn’t want Ayan to get sick.
It takes a while for Ayan to settle. At some point he’s scooted closer to Akk, his head now resting on Akk’s lap. He is still curled up in a fetal position but the tension in his body is gone, breathing evened out. Akk is relieved. He’s never had to hold someone like this, comfort someone. Not even a younger sibling since he’s an only child. It doesn’t feel so weird now that he’s done it, but he feels sorry for Ayan. Hopefully, this isn’t a regular thing.
Selfishly, Akk thinks he should’ve followed his parents' advice and gotten a place of his own for his last year of college. He deserved it after all, and he had made enough money with his tutoring job to be able to afford it. Akk refused to do it, though. He’d rather save the money to help build his parents a house.
Akk shakes his head slightly to rid himself of the thought. He was raised better than that. He should feel grateful he could be here to help Ayan. What if he’d ended up with an asshole roommate? Not that Akk is perfect. He knows he worries more about his grades and having a perfect academic record than about having a social life and his friends often resent him for it, but he isn’t that bad. He would never turn his back on a person who looked as distressed as Ayan did just now.
“W-what--”, Ayan’s voice startles Akk out of his reverie and he jolts suddenly, causing Ayan’s head to slide off his lap. Akk stands up quickly, running to his own bed.
He isn’t sure why he panicked and ran as soon as Ayan started giving signs of waking up, but the fact is, he did, and now he is safely tucked under his blanket hearing Ayan shuffle around in his bed, sheets rustling and the bed creaking softly as he does so.
Akk pretends to be asleep while he hears Ayan padding across the room, going in the direction of the bathroom. The sound of water running tells Akk it’s safe for him to open his eyes, and he exhales air he didn’t realize he was holding. The sound stops and he shuts his eyes again.
Ayan returns to his bed after a moment and the room is quiet again. All Akk can hear is the loud sound of his heartbeat still unusually fast, even as he assures himself Ayan probably didn’t notice Akk was in his bed.
For the first time since he moved away from home, Akk has trouble falling asleep.
The second time it happens, Akk is more prepared for it.
He’s also grown a little closer to Ayan.
It’s now been a month since they’ve become roommates and Akk has learned many things about the other man, such as, he has a propensity to break the ice by flirting with Akk whenever possible.
At first, that made Akk uncomfortable, but he’s getting used to it now.
Ayan has also started hanging out with Akk and his friends during lunch or after classes whenever they have some free time to spare. The only thing Akk didn’t expect was that Ayan would try out for the college’s judo team. He didn't strike Akk as the sporty type, always with a book under his arm, even though he looks pretty fit.
Contact sports have a way of making people get closer.
Akk was chosen by their coach to stay after practice and train with Ayan. He was one of the three students chosen to join the team - the other two being freshmen with years of practice under their belt. Ayan is naturally quick and light on his feet but he lacks skill and discipline.
Akk runs drills with Ayan or teaches him stances and moves but whenever they have to spar Akk doesn’t like how insecure and apprehensive he feels that he has to touch Ayan.
Ayan, on the other hand, seems to have no qualms about touching Akk.
“Relax, I don’t bite,” Ayan said once as he placed a hand on Akk’s left shoulder and took a step forward, entering Akk’s personal space. Akk can still feel the warmth of Ayan’s breath against the side of his neck, and can still smell his deodorant and the faint musky scent of his sweat.
It had reminded Akk of the night he held Ayan through his nightmare-induced panic.
They’ve never talked about it, Akk is still convinced Ayan doesn’t know that he woke up and coaxed Ayan into relaxing.
Until tonight, Akk thought it was a one-time thing, that they wouldn’t have to talk about it ever. But then, as Akk is getting out of the shower, he hears muffled screaming coming from the bedroom. He towels off quickly, slipping his night shorts on and throwing his towel around his neck to catch the droplets of water still clinging to his wet hair.
Yanking the door open, Akk finds Ayan thrashing around in his bed, head whipping from side to side as the same words from that first night rip out of his throat in between sobs.
This time, Akk doesn’t stop to ponder what to do next, he runs to Ayan’s bed, climbs on top of Ayan, and locks his legs on either side of the other’s hips to keep him from moving.
Despite his lanky build, Akk is quite strong. He grabs both of Ayan’s hands which are crossed over his chest protectively, then pries his fists open carefully. Examining Ayan’s palms, he can see the crescent-shaped indents left there by his fingernails.
Akk feels both panic and worry bubble up inside him, realizing he might be way out of his depth here. If Ayan’s nightmares are so bad he ends up hurting himself in his sleep, Akk is afraid he’ll have to talk to Ayan about it so he can see the campus counselor about seeking help.
Right now though, Akk’s main intent is to calm Ayan down, make him feel safe.
“Ayan, it’s okay. It’s me-- Akk. You’re okay, it’s just a bad dream,” Akk says softly but firmly as he holds both of Ayan’s wrists.
Ayan continues to struggle, mumbling incoherently under Akk’s weight. Akk tightens his legs on each side of Ayan, leaning forward as if to make Ayan hear him. A few drops of water drip down onto Ayan’s t-shirt, the one he uses more often than any other, that says ‘Caturday’ in green letters with a cute drawing of a cat on it.
“Aye, you’re safe. Wake up, please. Everything is okay. I got you,” Akk repeats the reassurances in a whisper-like manner since now he’s closer to Ayan’s face.
“No, no! Not Akk! He is good, please, not him!”
Akk immediately tenses, his heart doing a flip in his chest, at the mention of his name.
Is Ayan dreaming of him? Was he dreaming of Akk this whole time or did he say Akk’s name because Akk said his own name just now? Fuck, it doesn’t matter. Talking to Ayan, trying to will his nightmare away isn’t working like the first time.
Akk decides it’s better to wake Ayan up right away.
“Aye, wake up!” Akk says, raising his voice slightly. He brings Ayan’s hands together and manages to hold his wrists in his right hand. With his left, he cups Ayan’s face, deliberately ignoring the way his skin feels soft against his palm. “Please, wake up, Aye! You need to wake up now.”
Akk hesitates with his thumb over Ayan’s cheekbone before he brings its pad down softly, caressing it like he would a delicate, wounded bird he’s rescued.
Ayan’s chest is still heaving, breathing labored, and he lets out a painful whine as if someone was hurting him.
Akk squeezes Ayan’s wrists with his other hand in another attempt to wake Ayan up, and it seems to work a bit. Ayan’s eyelids flutter as if they’re about to open, his breathing starts to even out.
“That’s it, come back to me, Aye. You’re safe in your bed, in our room, you’re safe. I promise.”
“Akk?” Ayan calls, his eyebrows furrowing for a moment before he slowly opens his eyes, face morphing into confusion as soon as he becomes aware of Akk on top of him, pinning him down with a hand cradling his face.
“Hey. You were having a nightmare,” Akk replies softly, attempting a small smile that he hopes is more friendly and reassuring than awkward.
Ayan grimaces and lets out a small curse. “Yeah, I have those sometimes. Sorry for not giving you a heads up.”
“It’s fine. It’s-- Not the first time,” Akk says. He guesses since the cat is out of the bag, they might as well talk about the other night.
Ayan’s face goes from apologetic to downright mortified.
“You mean, I’ve-- Like this? What did you do?” The way Ayan’s gaze travels to where their bodies are connected and also the way Akk is still holding Ayan’s wrists reminds Akk of how compromising their positions are.
Akk doesn’t answer Ayan’s questions. Instead, he lets go of Ayan’s wrists first, then tries to withdraw the hand that’s still pressed softly against Ayan’s cheek, but before he can move it, Ayan stops him, grabbing Akk’s wrist and keeping his hand in place.
“Don’t. Not yet,” Ayan whispers, and it sounds too much like he’s pleading. It makes something warm spread inside Akk’s chest.
Without saying anything, Akk stays still, allowing Ayan to slide his hand up to cover Akk’s hand as he closes his eyes.
The room is only semi-dark thanks to the annoying lamplight outside. Akk has been meaning to get curtains since he moved in but he never got around to it. Now, he’s suddenly grateful he never bothered, because it allows him to admire Ayan’s face, serene now, as he inhales and exhales slowly, inadvertently syncing his breath with Akk’s.
Akk is observant. He notices everything, from the twitch of Ayan’s fingertips against the back of his hand to the slight shift of Ayan’s leg under him. He notices the way Ayan’s eyelids quiver slightly and the corners of his mouth rise into a small smile when Ayan’s free hand brushes against his side.
“Your weight is comforting,” Ayan says suddenly, startling Akk out of his thoughts.
“W-what?” Akk stutters, even though he heard Ayan very clearly the first time.
“You’re pretty big. And having you on top of me like this isn’t half bad.” Ayan is smirking, eyes still closed. He doesn’t see Akk rolling his eyes or the way he balls his right hand up into a fist where it rests on his thigh.
“You seem to be fine now. I’m going to bed,” Akk says, but does not attempt to pull his hand away from where it’s still resting against Ayan’s cheek, trapped under his palm.
“Why don’t you sleep here?” Ayan asks, eyes shooting open, staring at Akk.
“Why would I do that?” Akk asks, eyes growing bigger for a second before he catches himself and schools his expression.
“Wait, let me rephrase that. Can you sleep with me tonight? I--,” Ayan pauses, takes a deep breath, then continues, “I don’t want to sleep alone.”
Ayan’s eyes are fixed on Akk, searching for something in Akk’s face. Akk feels unsettled under the gaze but he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t want to say no, doesn’t think it would be all that bad to sleep in Ayan’s bed for a night if that’d help make him feel better. But Akk is scared. He knows that’s one of the feelings he can’t ignore.
He has never shared a bed with someone like Ayan… Someone who made him feel odd things, things he has never felt before.
“I promise I won’t do anything weird. No cuddling,” Ayan lets out a soft chuckle, his smirk growing.
“Shut up,” Akk warns, still not ready to answer.
Suddenly, Akk becomes aware of all the points of contact between him and Ayan: his hand touching the softness of Ayan’s cheek, Ayan’s hand pressed against his; their thighs warm against one another, even as two layers of fabric separate them.
Can Akk bear sleeping next to Ayan? Can he risk feeding his heart’s desire with things that could never be while pretending that they might, one day , be? Even if for only a night? Wouldn’t that be too dangerous?
“You’re always thinking so hard, you’re going to get premature wrinkles,” Ayan says, poking the space between Akk’s pinched eyebrows with his index finger.
“You’re so annoying,” Akk bats the finger away.
“So? Are you spooning me to sleep tonight or not, bigfoot?” Ayan teases, using his nickname for Akk, the one he never uses in front of other people.
“Fine, shorty. I’ll sleep here tonight. But don’t tell anyone about this, and we are definitely not spooning.”
“You’re no fun,” Ayan says, grinning.
Akk wasn’t expecting that climbing off of Ayan would be so difficult. He didn’t want to. He wanted to keep touching Ayan, which is hard to admit even to himself. There are things Akk still can’t figure out about himself, things he’s told himself repeatedly he’ll examine later, keeping them on the back burner for now as he focuses on his education.
But as Ayan lets go of his hand and Akk is forced to withdraw, the phantom feeling of Ayan’s soft skin still there on his palm, he wonders if that’s not something he should be working on figuring out right now.
Damn Ayan. Why does it have to be him?
The next morning, Akk wakes up alone, the space where Ayan is supposed to be, empty. Waves of relief and disappointment wash over him in equal intensity, and he sighs, stretching his arms over his head before he throws the blanket aside.
The sun is shining through the window, bathing the room in warm light. Akk checks the digital clock on the small round stool-turned-bedside table next to the bed and sees it’s only half past seven. Ayan is nowhere to be found in the room and no sounds are coming from the bathroom
Sunday is the only day he allows himself to be lazy when he isn’t visiting his parents for the weekend, so Akk decides it’s still too early to be awake. He turns to the side and easily falls asleep again, his head buried in pillows that smell like Ayan.
Akk isn’t sure for how long he slept, but as he starts to awaken, he feels hot so he kicks the blanket off and then turns on his back, placing an arm over his eyes.
“Are you planning on staying all day in bed? Did I tire you out last night?” Ayan’s voice sounds too close for comfort, and as Akk opens his eyes, he isn’t even half-surprised to see Ayan’s face only centimeters from his own.
Ayan smiles down at him and Akk grumbles, attempting to turn away, only to be stopped by a firm hand on his hip. The place where Ayan’s hand connects with Akk’s skin burns hot, making heat crawl all the way up Akk’s face.
All of a sudden, he remembers he isn’t wearing a shirt.
“I’ve never seen you sleep in,” Ayan points out, hand still pressing Akk down, keeping him from moving. Or maybe it’s all psychological, Akk could move if he wanted to. He is stronger than Ayan, anyway.
“I’m allowed to,” Akk says gruffly. He risks a look at Ayan who still looks like he is having too much fun right now.
“Oh, that you are. I’ve never seen someone take eight classes in a semester and still have time to tutor and take extra credits. You’re really something.”
Akk’s eyes grow wide at the words, staring at Ayan as he tries to figure out if there’s a backhanded compliment there or if he’s just being teased as usual.
“Can I get up now?” Akk asks, giving up on trying to figure out exactly what Ayan means. His body feels languid like he could still sleep for hours, and he doesn’t know if it’s because Ayan’s bed is extra comfortable or if he simply didn’t get enough sleep last night.
Ayan’s gaze travels down Akk’s naked torso to where his hand is resting on Akk’s hip. Akk can’t deny it makes his body temperature rise, to have Ayan openly check him out like this. “Sure,” Ayan says after a moment, withdrawing his hand.
Akk finally feels like he can breathe. He sits up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, grabs the towel he draped over the bed frame last night, and throws it over his shoulder. He’s aware of Ayan still watching him.
“Thanks for last night,” Ayan says, catching Akk off-guard.
“That-- It was nothing,” Akk mumbles, averting Ayan’s gaze.
“It wasn’t nothing, though. These-- nightmares, I’ve been working on getting rid of them. One day, I’ll tell you about it if you want to know.” Ayan looks a little embarrassed and that makes Akk want to reassure him there’s no reason for him to be, but instead, he just nods, mumbles an ‘’ok".
Ayan gives him a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, nods once in return, then gets up from the bed.
Akk does the same, going into the bathroom, his mind riddled with conflicting thoughts. He can still smell Ayan on him as he enters the shower, hesitating before he turns on the water to rinse himself off it. But he knows he can’t get rid of the feeling of having Ayan under him, touching him, or the image of Ayan asking Akk to sleep with him as if having Akk by his side would keep the nightmares at bay.
It’s a strange thing, to think he could be someone’s safe place, to think his presence could make someone feel more secure. Especially someone like Ayan, who’s always so confident, so sure of himself - unlike Akk.
He can’t say it’s bad, though, can see himself getting addicted to it. Not that he wants Ayan to keep having those nightmares. On the contrary, Akk hates seeing Ayan that vulnerable, that fragile - when normally he is everything but.
He wants to be there for Ayan when he needs him. It’s hard to explain, and Akk doesn’t like things he can’t explain.
Storing those thoughts away for a later time, he steps under the cold shower spray, allows the water to hit his back and cool him off. He does his best to will himself to stop thinking about Ayan, even if only for a brief moment.
Akk doesn’t succeed.