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Pernille stepped through the sliding glass door into the garden behind Jenni’s flat, taking in a deep breath of the cooler May air outdoors. In spite of the fun atmosphere and entertaining music of the Eurovision party, the gathering had become suffocating to her at some point. It had started well, sitting close beside Magda, talking and laughing as they always did together. So what if she had rested her hand on Magda’s knee for a moment and just left it there? Where else was she supposed to position her arm with five of them eventually crammed onto the sofa? She certainly hadn’t been distracted by how Magda practically radiated warmth, or the way her quads occasionally tightened when she shifted positions. Not at all.
Pernille again told herself that she just needed a few moments away from the activity inside to gather her thoughts.
A few deep breaths with her eyes closed easily countered the three drinks she’d consumed, an assortment of colorful cocktails that Frido had kept pressing into her hand. Pernille realized that her tolerance was fairly low, but it was difficult to judge when one had the metabolism of an elite athlete who rarely partook of alcoholic beverages in season.
She was calm again when she opened her eyes on a world that was no longer swirling. Her vision had also adjusted to the low light in the garden, so she could now clearly delineate Magda’s form, leaning back casually in one of the lounge chairs set up on the lawn. The muscles in her arms flexed under her long-sleeve shirt as she held herself up on her elbows, face directed toward the sky.
Pernille felt breathless again, the strange flutter in her stomach that had been getting stronger over the past months abruptly making itself known. She barely managed to gasp, “Magda…”
“Oh, hey.” Magda held out a beckoning hand, inviting Pernille to join her. She immediately occupied the chair beside Magda, who went on, “The news said there was going to be a meteor shower tonight.”
Pernille obediently directed her gaze to the sky, but she saw nothing other than the static stars. It didn’t take long before she was focused on Magda again. “Are you…interested in astrology? No, er, astronomy, I mean. Star signs are so silly. I mean, unless you think…I’m a Scorpio…”
“Pernille,” Magda cut off her rambling. “You’re missing it.”
When she looked up, Pernille’s breath caught in her throat as two thin, bright streaks shot across the sky in quick succession. “Oh!”
“You must be good luck! These are the first I’ve seen since I came out here!”
“Should…should we be making wishes?” She could barely breathe as Magda turned toward her with a bright smile.
“Maybe. I don’t know if wishing on a shooting star is less effective when you know it may be coming.”
“Oh…sure.” Pernille suddenly became aware that she had been unconsciously searching the party for Magda for the past…how long had it been since they’d been chatting together on the couch? Too long, in Pernille’s opinion. She needed to stop being so inappropriately nervous around the other woman while simultaneously craving her presence. Though she had recently recognized and even accepted the fact that she had a massive crush on her friend, Pernille had yet to decide how to proceed. A conversation seemed ideal, but had thus far devolved into fumbled and mistaken words that she couldn’t blame on a language barrier any time she’d tried to initiate it. So…maybe now was the time for action?
Pernille licked her lips and swallowed hard. Another meteor streaked overhead, possibly a sign that she should just make her move. Still, she hesitated. Her gaze was again drawn to Magda’s upturned face. She was so beautiful with a slight smile turning up the corners of her mouth as she looked to the sky, her eyes reflecting more light than the stars seemed capable of providing.
The flutter in Pernille’s stomach shifted from a swarm of butterflies to an intense beating of raptors’ wings that promised to persist if she didn’t do something right now. Throwing caution to the wind, she leaned forward and caught Magda’s jaw in one hand, guiding her forward until their lips met. Pernille was both shocked and driven by the absolute softness she found – no rough, untreated chapped lips or scratch of five o’clock shadow against her cheeks or overwhelming smell of slapped-on aftershave. There were only the sensations of an all-enveloping cloud that seemed to pulse with the name, Magda, Magda, Magda… As the kiss continued and Pernille needed to inhale, she caught the deeper scents of Magda’s lip gloss, her shampoo, the light powdered foundation she used.
She would have stayed there forever, pressing her lips to Magda’s in new and revolutionary ways, if Magda hadn’t hastily pulled back. Her eyes, always so deep and green, were searching now. “Pernille…you’re drunk.”
“No. Not drunk.” Pernille blinked to reassure herself that she wasn’t imagining the situation. “Just a bit brave.”
She leaned in again, kissing Magda in a way that left no questions. Magda was more receptive this time, the press of her tongue tasting like red wine as Pernille pushed her own forward. Oh, this was heaven, the best kiss Pernille had ever had. She allowed her hand to tangle in dirty blonde hair she’d been imagining between her fingers for months even as she felt Magda’s blunt nails scratching against her scalp.
Before Pernille could consider how to maneuver herself onto the adjoining lounge chair, Magda pulled back again. “No.”
Confusion and hurt welled in Pernille’s chest. “What?”
“We can’t do this.”
“Why not?”
“We play for the same team. And we’ve both been drinking. It’s not right.”
Pernille had the sensation of the floor dropping out from under her. “Magda…”
“This isn’t the right time to talk about this,” Magda insisted. She redirected her gaze toward the sky. “Let’s just enjoy the meteor shower.”
In spite of her petty impulse to simply leave and rejoin the party inside, Pernille settled into her lounge chair and looked up. All of the wishes she made on the now-frequent shooting stars were the same, though they didn’t seem to be working; Magda didn’t acknowledge her with anything but a hand out of the chair when the party broke up some time later.
Just when she had lost all faith and resigned herself to rejection, Pernille felt Magda pull her into a brief hug as the party drew to a definitive close on the pavement outside Jenni’s flat. “We need to have a real conversation. And we will, okay? I’ll see you soon.”
Pernille could only nod as she mounted her bicycle and pedaled toward her own flat in a daze. When she arrived home, she looked up at the sky in spite of herself and spotted another meteor. Squeezing her eyes shut for a moment, she made one last wish.
Magda did her best to carry on with her regular life. She assigned the events – or event – of the Eurovision party as an aberration in her usual orderly schedule. That was the only reasonable explanation for why Pernille had kissed her. And kissed her again. And why Magda kept kissing her back. Regardless of the attraction she felt toward the Dane, she could acknowledge that Pernille probably felt silly about it now and would be embarrassed the next time they saw each other.
A tiny corner of Magda’s mind kept suggesting that, in spite of the alcohol, Pernille had been being sincere in her actions. Then the larger part of her brain would shout that corner into submission with more likely scenarios – like Pernille had been much drunker than she’d seemed or she was having a delayed reaction to her breakup with Aleksander. So what if the latter had happened months ago? She could absolutely still be upset and confused about the situation. There was no reason for Pernille to suddenly be attracted to her, Magda. It was totally obvious that it was some kind of reflexive response to someone she was close to. Magda wasn’t about to take advantage of one of her closest friends who was so clearly wrapped up in her own uncertainty to realize what she was doing.
Satisfied with her own justifications, Magda poured herself a cup of coffee in the kitchen of the flat she shared with Frido. Today would be their first training session since the party, the first time she would be forced to confront Pernille in person since that night. Magda had somewhat guiltily ignored Pernille’s tentative-sounding ‘hey’ text the previous day. Settling at the table, she flipped through the mail, finding only their electric bill and some catalogues, along with the usual assortment of advertisements.
She was turning the pages of a sports equipment flier when Frido swept into the room with her usual flourish of movement. “I know it was three days ago, but I still can’t believe friggin’ Austria actually won! I mean, nothing against…”
“I kissed Pernille,” Magda interrupted the declarations about the Eurovision, surprising herself when the words came out of her mouth.
Rather than looking shocked, Frido’s smile widened. “Seriously?”
“Why do you look so excited?”
“Come on, why wouldn’t I be? I’m so happy for the two of you!”
“What are you talking about?”
Frido looked at her for a long moment like she was trying to determine if Magda was being intentionally dumb or genuine. When Magda could only blink blankly, Frido went on, “This is a good thing! You two can finally admit you want to be together! You can’t really be this dense, can you? Pernille has been into you for months!”
“That’s not…she can’t be…”
“Okay, so, I’ve been imagining the lingering glances and subtle touches that have been obvious for, like, ever? I’m not the only one who’s noticed, either. I mean, how long has it been since you two started sitting together all the time on the bus?”
Magda drew back, offended. “Pernille is my friend! Why wouldn’t we share seats?”
Frido didn’t relent, “Yeah, why wouldn’t you get all cuddly with your bestie to keep her comfortable on an hour ride? I look forward to hearing about your reasons for wrapping your arm around her in all our photos.”
“Just because we end up standing beside each other…”
“Face it, Magda. You kissed Pernille and you liked it. I’m willing to bet she liked it, too.”
“Shut up,” Magda replied, shaking her head. It wasn’t possible. Even if she and Pernille had shared a life changing kiss, it wasn’t in the cards for them. Pernille was out of Magda’s league, even if she had suddenly discovered that she was interested in women. “Please, Frido, don’t do this to me. If you must know, I am attracted to Pernille and I’ve been trying to push it down because I know she’s not…”
“Magda…” Her roommate’s teasing grin suddenly dropped. “She told me that she likes you, you know.”
All the processes in Magda’s brain ground to a halt. She had constructed plenty of fantasies, but there was no imagined scenario in which she and Pernille shared a mutual attraction. She could only gasp, “What?”
“Pernille. She told me that she has feelings for you. She was so nervous when we talked…” Frido scuffed her feet on the floor as she fiddled with the dishcloth hanging on the refrigerator handle. “I said I thought you felt the same and that I wouldn’t say anything to you, but…Magda, she’s serious. Like, really serious. You have to at least talk to her.”
Magda closed her eyes, doing her best not to think about how good kissing Pernille had felt. “We’re teammates.”
“Uh-huh. And friends. Sure, it’s a risk but, Magda, think about what else it could be. You two together, you just…work. How could you not want to find out how far that goes?”
Magda didn’t respond, just shaking her head as she stared down into her coffee cup. If something dropped into the dark liquid, she ignored it. And if Frido grasped her in a hug as a result…well, they had to get to training.
Pernille didn’t normally get nervous about football, but she had nearly convinced herself that the tension that had her so high-strung before training was related to the upcoming match against…who were they playing this weekend? Well, it didn’t matter. The team needed points and she had to focus on that. She kept her head down through the drills, laser-focused on runs down the right in scrimmage. If she didn’t go through the left, she wouldn’t have to confront Magda, who she definitely wasn’t avoiding after being left on ‘read’ the other day.
She didn’t settle until she was taking her usual round of penalty kicks after training. Deep breath, measured steps, power in the wind up, the hit, the follow through as the ball ricocheted in the back of the net…familiar, calming even. She nodded toward the third keeper when several balls were passed back toward her.
“Pernille!” She turned at the sound of her name shouted across the pitch in a familiar voice. Sure enough, Magda was jogging toward her, skin shining beautifully with the glow of a good training session. Pernille grabbed a water bottle and took a long drink to cover her sudden discomfiture. Magda pulled up her run a meter or two away. “So…I know you’re busy right now, but, um, could you maybe stop by my place after training? Or I could come to your flat? I just…I need to talk with you.”
“Oh.” Pernille nodded for what felt like too long before continuing, “Yeah, sure. I’ll swing by your flat when I’m done here.”
“Okay. See you then.” It may have been Pernille’s imagination, but she thought Magda had made a brief gesture forward to grasp her hand. Or not.
She had made far too many penalties for the keeper’s patience when she decided to call it a day. The locker room was blessedly empty when she finally entered to strip off her sweaty training gear. After a quick shower, she looked over her clothing with distaste. She had thrown on simple Linköping sweats before leaving her flat this morning. Much as she wanted to look good for the impending conversation with Magda, she also didn’t want to act like she was trying too hard. Magda was used to seeing her in training gear, so this could be for the best.
Pernille zipped up her training jacket and headed out to the parking lot where her bicycle was locked up. The brief ride to Magda’s gave her a moment to clear her head as the cool wind ran through wet hair she had neglected to tie up. She took a moment to pull it back when she arrived, prolonging the moment before she would have to confront Magda. It was difficult to feel the simultaneous pull of attraction contrasted with the dread of what the actual encounter might bring. She jogged up the stairs with her brain repeating, You got this, Harder.
Magda opened the door barely a second after Pernille stopped knocking. “Hi! Come in. Frido ran out to the market to get stuff for dinner.”
Pernille bit back the impulse to say she wasn’t here to see Frido in favor of a more neutral, “Hi.”
“Yeah.” For perhaps the first time since they’d met, Magda seemed shy. “So, why don’t you sit? I made coffee.”
“Oh, coffee sounds good.” Pernille was grateful for Magda’s instinct for planning. They could sit at the small table indefinitely, drinking coffee and talking about everything and nothing, just like they had been doing for ages. It didn’t have to be awkward.
The situation quickly settled into a more familiar dynamic once they were seated across from each other with steaming cups of strong coffee. It felt so good to be with Magda, just talking about football and the news and the weather. Pernille almost unconsciously reached over the table to grasp Magda’s hand when the other woman pounded her fist to emphasize a point. Magda twisted her grip for a moment to stroke her thumb across Pernille’s knuckles before pulling back. Pernille ducked her head, taking a quick sip of coffee before saying, “Sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize.” Magda reached out again, this time taking both of Pernille’s hands in hers. “Hey, look at me. I don’t want anything to be weird between us.”
“I don’t either.” Pernille tried not to blink too much, but how much was too much when you weren’t trying to hold back tears? Not that she was trying not to cry, just that…she wanted to be able to look into Magda’s eyes right now. She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment to control herself. God, why did those green eyes have to be so gentle and inviting? “Magda…”
“I know.” Magda raised a hand to gently stroke Pernille’s cheek. “And I know that…look, I can’t deny that we shared a real moment the other night. I just don’t know if…we’re both committed to Linköping for the next two years, at least. I don’t want us to mess up our careers…or my career, anyway. I’m surprised Lyon or someone hasn’t already snatched you up.” Magda pulled her hands back and looked down. “You are going to be one of the best footballers in the world. I can’t hold you back from that. I won’t.”
“Why would you?” Pernille asked, genuinely confused. While she had confidence in her own game, she knew that she wasn’t quite at an internationally competitive level yet. “We’re doing so well where we are right now.”
“But you’re better than the Damallsvenskan.” Magda held up a hand to silence her protest. “Don’t try to deny it. You’re going on to one of the top leagues and…”
“And why is that a problem?” Pernille interrupted, suddenly annoyed by Magda’s inappropriate hero worship. “Why do you think the best teams won’t be clamoring to sign you? And what does any of that have to do with you and me?”
Magda snorted derisively. “Stop it, Pernille. You don’t have to say things just because…” She abruptly stood, grabbing her coffee mug off the table. “I think we need to focus on our game here and now rather than being distracted by the future.”
“Okay. Fine. We can focus on the team here and now. But what does that mean for us?” Pernille insisted.
“What do you mean, for us? We’re teammates. We keep playing like we always have. We don’t let anything distract us from becoming the best footballers we can be.”
“I’m not talking about what happens on the pitch!” Pernille nearly knocked over her mug as she stood from the table. “Can we just talk about what happened the other night? I kissed you and I felt things I’ve never felt before. You just said it was a moment. If you didn’t feel anything, please, just tell me. I can leave you alone and…and…please…if you tell me to forget this, I promise that I will.” She felt tears threatening to fall as she whispered, “Please…Magda…”
There was a moment when it seemed like Magda would embrace her. “Oh, Pernille…” Her name hung heavily in the air for a moment before it dissipated like a morning fog and the Swede suddenly withdrew both physically and emotionally. “We’re teammates. We need to be professionals.”
It felt like a body blow to Pernille. She took a step back toward the door. “Sure. Professionals.” She waved off Magda’s vague gesture toward her. “No, no, you’re right. It’s fine. I hope we can still be friends.” She was running down the stairs a moment later, trying to outpace her feelings of hurt and rejection.
She nearly collided with Frido at the bike rack. The other woman steadied both of them while juggling her shopping bags. “Hey, why are you in such a hurry? You have to stay for dinner. We’re doing shrimp tacos tonight! We chop lettuce and shred cheese while we watch Magda do all the actual cooking.”
Pernille could only shake her head. “Not tonight. I just…I need to get home.”
Frido grabbed her shoulders. “P, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just…” Pernille bit down on her lower lip while swiping at her eyes. “She doesn’t want me. Magda,” she added, as if it weren’t obvious.
“That’s not true.”
She couldn’t bring herself to meet Frido’s gaze as she replied, “It is.”
“She really said that?”
“She didn’t have to.”
“Oh, P…” Frido wrapped her in a hug. “I’m sorry Magda’s being an idiot.”
“Don’t apologize. She’s just being honest.”
“She’s not, though. I’m sorry she won’t admit it.”
“She doesn’t have anything to admit. Please, you don’t have to lie just to make me feel better.”
“I’m not…”
“I’ll see you later, Frido.” Pernille kicked off the pavement as she mounted her bicycle and headed down the street.
Magda was leaning against the kitchen counter feeling shellshocked when her roommate burst through the door and greeted her with slap to the back of her head. “What the hell was that for?”
“For making Pernille cry for no reason!”
“I didn’t…” Magda paused as she processed the accusation. “Pernille was crying?”
“Of course! And I don’t blame her! You’re being such an asshole about this whole situation!” In spite of her words Frido grasped Magda in a sudden hug. “Please get over yourself and fix things with her. I can’t bear the thought of you two fighting or not talking or…you have to tell her how you really feel and fix this!”
Magda allowed herself to relax into her friend’s hug. “What if I don’t know how I feel?”
“Oh, please,” Frido snorted into her neck. “You know exactly how you really feel. You’re crazy about Pernille. She’s your oxygen, your water, your bananas…”
“Bananas?” Magda had to laugh through the tears she suddenly realized she was shedding.
“Bananas are necessary football equipment,” Frido replied, stroking her hair. “Magda, let yourself feel something good. Let this happen with Pernille.”
“I can’t. I shouldn’t.” Magda couldn’t help but clutch her friend tighter as she admitted, “I think I love her.”
“It’s okay. Okay,” Frido repeated. “You don’t have to tell her that right away, but you know you have to talk to her, right? You have to tell her something.”
“I know. I just…she was really crying?”
“Yes. Please, go find her right now. She said she was going home. You’re the only one who can fix this.”
Giving Frido a final squeeze, Magda confirmed, “I will.” She was on her bicycle not long after, riding harder than she ever had to cover the distance to Pernille’s flat. There was no answer when she knocked on the door repeatedly. When her texts went unread, she concluded that Pernille wasn’t home, in spite of the fact that her bicycle was locked in the rack. Magda jogged toward the nearest park.
Sure enough, Pernille was there, kicking a ball against one of the backstops in the dark. Magda allowed herself a moment to watch the other woman’s form – her expert passes and traps when the ball bounced back to her. She was incredible. So talented, so beautiful.
The darkness was deep enough to envelop Magda until she was close enough to grasp Pernille’s hips. The Dane tensed for the moment it took her to recognize whose hands were on her. “Magda, please…”
“I’m so sorry I made you feel like I didn’t…that I don’t…” She leaned forward, burying her face in Pernille’s hair and inhaling the clean, slightly fruity scent. She wrapped her arms around Pernille’s midsection as she burrowed her nose through the silky strands to her neck. Her lips moved against smooth skin as she whispered, “I meant what I said about us being teammates. We need to be professional when we’re at the club.”
Pernille gasped as Magda suddenly sucked at the skin at the nape of her neck. “And when we’re not at the club?”
“You know how I said that kiss was a moment?”
“Yeah?”
Magda gently turned her so they were face to face. “When we’re not at the club, I think we could keep having moments.” She pressed her lips against Pernille’s in a soft kiss. She followed it up with gentle pecks to the other woman’s jawline and neck as she continued, “Short moments…long moments…moments that last all night…whatever you like.”
“Oh, Magda. Please, you don’t have to do this just because I…”
“Shhh. I never meant to make you feel like I don’t want you, like I don’t…Pernille…I can’t promise that I’ll be good at this, that I’ll always be the perfect girlfriend, but I want to do this. With you.” She moved back to Pernille’s mouth, kissing her with all the passion she felt in that moment. And it was a hell of a moment that stretched on and on under the clear, starry Swedish night.
They were both breathing hard when they drew back some time later. Magda waited expectantly for a few seconds before Pernille opened her eyes with a smile. “Guess all those shooting stars I wished on the other night were worth it.”
Magda just smiled back and pulled her into another long kiss before they walked back to Pernille’s flat, hand in hand.