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First regrets many things he has done in life.
His first girlfriend who he only dated because he thought it was what he was supposed to do.
The times he has missed calls from home because he was too busy.
Or even, the cake he’d eaten last night despite knowing the havoc dairy would wreak on his bowels.
But perhaps, what he regrets the most right this second, is trusting Neo to give any sort of sound advice.
Mix is looking at him with a knowing look on his face, a lascivious smile that makes him want to run far, far away, ‘Nong First,’ he says, ‘what is it exactly you need help with?’ Mix raises his eyebrows in a ridiculously exaggerated arch. First looks at Neo with the best death glare he can manage, while Neo only looks on expectantly at Mix, awaiting the fountain of wisdom First knows will not be springing for him. Mix is enjoying this too much, Mix enjoys First’s suffering a little too much to be any amount of helpful. First can’t tell if Neo truly doesn’t see that Mix is only filled with evil intent or if he’s in on this mission to torture First.
‘I was wondering if you had any advice on being in a CP, Phi ’ First asks with just as much over exaggerated enthusiasm, a tiny part of him hoping that Mix actually says something helpful.
‘Aeow~’ Mix responds, scratching his forehead in fake confusion, ‘is this your first BL? You were never in any CP before this?’
‘Neo~’ First breaks, grabbing a pillow nearby and throwing it at Neo. Neo deserves it, mostly because First’s agitation will only fuel Mix’s black magic and also because it was Neo who dragged him here insisting that his dads were the best CP to have ever CP’d.
The pillow hits the side of Neo’s head before it plops onto the floor, startling Somporn who jumps up with his ears tucked back before running away.
‘Oy oy oy, don’t harass the kids.’ Earth chimes in from where he’s laid out on the carpet a little bit away from them, not even looking up from the book he’s reading.
‘Do you hear that nong ? Don’t harass our kids.’ Mix says, failing to hide the smug look on his face.
‘I meant you, Mix!’ Earth still hasn’t looked away from his book but it has the instant effect of sobering Mix up, ‘okay okay I’ll stop teasing our sweet nong . Well then, what kind of advice are you looking for?’
‘Just–
Now that Mix is looking at him seriously, ready to open the gates to his fountain of CP wisdom, First is acutely aware of how he doesn’t know what to actually ask.
–what makes the fans happy.’ He finally settles on, and hopes Mix can’t see how he cringes at his own apathy.
Mix raises his eyebrows, this time looking thoroughly unimpressed, but thankfully doesn’t say much else. First already regrets this so much more than when he was being teased, ‘the staff will brief you on what will make the fans happy. But also you know what will make the fans happy.’
‘Like games and stuff? And being close to him?’ First asks even though he knows. It’s a well known routine amongst every BL actor: compliment him, touch him affectionately, act shy. He’s done this with Gawin already, but there are some significant differences between that and this time. Gawin hadn’t really cared too much and so First didn’t have to care so much either. Not only were they not the leads, but P’Off and P’Gun were already so well loved that creating chemistry and believable CPs were the last thing on anybody’s mind.
But perhaps more importantly, Gawin wasn’t–
Gawin isn’t Khaotung.
His best friend.
The guy he wants by his side till he’s old and graying and ready to croak.
Changing anything about his relationship with Khaotung terrifies him. It’s perfect, they’re perfect and he doesn’t know how to express how prying eyes can only destroy what they have. So maybe what he wants to ask…what he’s here to ask is.
‘It didn’t change anything between you two?’ First says, trying to not appear as anxious as he’s feeling, ‘all the CP things, the games, the constant being together, the- the pretending .’ Mix’s face does this thing , where it goes all soft with understanding and First feels like he’s cracked something open in himself. He scrambles to reign it back in, tries to find words that will make Mix understand him less .
‘First…’ Mix starts and there’s a bit of vindication at seeing Mix finally at a loss for words, ‘of course it changed things and we had to-but we-’
There’s a gentle hand in First’s hair and his heart drops when he looks up to see Earth’s eyes gently looking back at him.
‘You don’t have to pretend. You know him. You already love him, right?’ And if Earth looks at Mix then, filled with a meaning that can only be truly understood between them, then First doesn’t notice. First can only think about answers that he was expecting to be told.
He loves Khaotung, of course he does. It isn’t something he’s ever doubted…until this whole thing began. And suddenly, there’s staff telling him he had to be sweeter, that he shouldn’t recoil when Khaotung tried to kiss his cheek – he hadn’t thought he was recoiling – or when fans on twitter kept doubting whether they could work, whether casting them was the right choice, whether First really loved Khaotung.
And now First has to think about things like - was loving Khaotung the way he did enough?
Didn’t Khaotung deserve better than the flawed way that First loved him?
Perhaps, First knows what he’s here to ask. And perhaps, what he’s here to ask he can never ask out loud.
He’s paused for too long, he knows this because Earth looks a little concerned and First is suddenly aware that if there’s any time to flex his professionalism it's now, it’s with Khaotung and their series, it’s with giving Khaotung what he needs to succeed.
‘Yeah,’ First nods, trying to smile reassuringly, ‘I do, I love him.’
‘There it is!’ Mix says and all three of his friends seem to be in a good mood as they pat each other triumphantly, ‘if you are sincere about each other, then those feelings will reach the audience no matter what you do.’ Mix says and his eyes dart to Earth, who’s passing behind him to get back to his book, one finger trailing along Mix’s back as he does so. Mix smiles sappily up at Earth then, eyes dripping with affection.
And something in First squeezes, persistent and unpleasant. That niggling anxiety that might have been identified but not soothed. That ugly, inadequate feeling he gets when he sees Earth and Mix together. When he sees how happy Earth and Mix make each other.
Maybe the answers he got today weren't the ones he wanted or even applicable to the question he needs answered. And maybe there’s not one answer, or maybe there’s no answer. But somewhere between fumbling through this, this partnership with Khaotung, this bittersweet path of sanctioned, scrutinized closeness, he’ll find it.
That somehow, someday what makes Khaotung happy will illuminate itself and First will just know.
But until then - he supposes Earth is right - he’ll just have to love Khaotung and hope that it’s enough.