Work Text:
Fifteen minutes after Levi got him into the bathtub, Erwin fell into a deep sleep. The sight wasn’t anything particularly remarkable; he had spent most of his stay at the hospital knocked out from a crushing combination of exhaustion and one of the many painkillers the nurse administered to ease the pain of his crudely amputated limb. It had almost been pathetic. Commander Erwin Smith, the most brilliant mind the Corps had ever seen, was stuck in bed unshaven, poorly washed, and sleeping for days at a time. Levi couldn’t even begin to count how often he had to use his handkerchief to wipe sticky strings of drool off of Erwin’s chin.
On the day of Erwin’s discharge, Levi pretended to put up a fuss about the abuse his favorite handkerchief had suffered. Despite his obvious exhaustion, Erwin still smiled and promised to give him the funds to buy a new one the very next day. It was part of a well-worn routine – empty gripes and placating words, always teetering dangerously on the edge of flirtation, that never went anywhere or meant anything.
He figured that terrifying blurred line was the reason he was the person accompanying Erwin back to his apartment, and the one who would be staying there to take care of him until he was ready to return to headquarters, and the one who was giving him a bath where no amount of soap bubbles felt like enough to conceal what Levi knew hid underneath them.
Erwin insisted that it wasn’t a big deal. Bathing was clinical, he said, and given the circumstances it would be no different than a nurse caring for a patient. Although he didn’t say so, Levi had to disagree. The showers were a popular spot for soldiers to get their rocks off. Masturbation, sex, it all happened there since the showers were more private than the bunks. Once, years ago, he’d used the showers himself for a one night stand with another male soldier. That man was long dead and Levi hadn’t used the showers for that purpose again, but he was well aware that the tradition continued.
Even if none of that were true, Levi would still disagree. He was fairly sure that hospital rooms didn’t foster the same kind of intimacy that Erwin’s private apartment did, and he was extremely sure that nurses and patients didn’t have whatever it was that he and Erwin had. Clinical was Erwin’s word for removing sexuality from the equation, but announcing it most definitely did not change the fact that nothing the two of them did would ever be clinical.
Now, after pointedly avoiding any prolonged looks at Erwin’s body while undressing him and helping him into the tub, Levi sat on a stool behind Erwin and poured a small amount of liquid soap onto his palm.
The soap was expensive; he could tell from the scent alone that it must be from somewhere near the center of Wall Sina. Most soaps had no smell or were filled with overwhelmingly heavy scents meant to evoke a sense of luxury and mask just how cheap the ingredients actually were. This one had a delicate smell, light and airy, like the flowers Levi had seen beyond the walls. When he lathered it in his hands it felt so much cleaner than the greasy or chalky soaps he was used to in the barracks. He wondered where Erwin had gotten it, whether it was a gift or something he bought for himself, and why he had never smelled it on him before.
“I’m gathering that you like the soap?” Erwin asked. “You seem transfixed by it.”
Levi shrugged, setting the bottle aside as he began to lather the soap into Erwin’s hair. “It’s nice. Don’t see stuff this nice very often.”
“I’m glad you like it. You’re more than welcome to have it, you know. I’m sure you’d make better use of it than I have.”
Levi held back the urge to make some tired toilet joke about how if Erwin used it then maybe he wouldn’t smell like shit. That sort of deflection was commonplace for him, but now it didn’t feel appropriate. He pursed his lips in an attempt to seal away his words, instead directing his focus to the way Erwin’s hair felt smooth and slick between his fingers, and how the water made golden strands morph into a rich bronze.
“You’re going to put me to sleep if you aren’t careful,” Erwin said, breathing out a soft chuckle from his nostrils. It was a pleasant noise, despite Erwin having large and very hairy nostrils. It was one of the many features Levi had memorized, and one that made him wish he was taller so that he wouldn’t have to notice it. Still, it didn’t bother Levi too often. There were plenty of other features that more than made up for Erwin’s lack of nasal grooming.
Suddenly, Erwin shivered beneath him. “Your hands… they feel wonderful.”
Levi grimaced, relieved that Erwin couldn’t see the way the heat was rising in his face. “Tch. Keep talking and I’ll leave you to do this yourself. See how far you get with one hand, huh?”
Erwin let out a fuller laugh this time. “I don’t care to find out. I’d much prefer for you to keep going.”
“I bet,” Levi huffed. “Making me do the dirty work like always.”
“All I meant was that you’re an excellent masseuse. I haven’t felt this relaxed in ages.”
Levi paused. “Mass…?”
“Someone who gives massages – you give an excellent massage,” he clarified, and Levi nodded in response even though Erwin couldn’t see him. Levi learned a long time ago that revealing one’s gaps in knowledge was an easily exploitable weakness, but something about Erwin made him feel safe enough to do so. Perhaps it was because Erwin seemed to genuinely enjoy sharing his knowledge with others. Perhaps it was because of Levi’s deeply-rooted desire to see just how fully alive Erwin was in those moments.
“Tch. Don’t see why it needs such a complicated name,” Levi said. His hands drifted forward to work Erwin’s temples, eventually kneading into them with enough pressure that the man let out a low, keening sigh. Levi only swallowed in response, the sound echoing through his mind and embedding itself somewhere deep inside for him to use later on.
As he retreated back to Erwin’s scalp, desperate to return to the safety of a more neutral area, Erwin asked, “And what would you call it?”
“Huh?” Levi asked, voice breaking.
“Masseuse. What would you call it?”
Levi scoffed; only Erwin would care to know something so stupid. “I don’t know. Massager. Something that actually makes sense.”
“I see. Very straightforward, just like you.”
They continued the bath in comfortable quietness, save for the occasional murmured comment from Erwin before he eventually slumped into a deep sleep. Despite the stoic nature he often displayed to others, Levi didn’t think that silence was Erwin’s natural state. It didn’t suit him well. He looked so much more himself when he was talking about his theories or debating some asshole from Sina or screaming orders on the battlefield. Those were the things that first drew Levi to Erwin. Erwin had a unique power in his words that made Levi want to keep living and learn more about the world. Soon, admiration turned to trust, trust turned to friendship.
He would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t want more than friendship. Want was something he felt in the core of his very being, something that coursed through his veins as thick as blood and settled deep into the marrow of his bones. Want was an unrelenting ache in his chest, and when Erwin’s unconscious, nearly lifeless body was brought back to Trost the ache became an excruciating pain.
He would never be able to voice those feelings. Not to Erwin, not to anyone. Speaking about his feelings carried too much risk of pain and loss for the both of them. There was an unfortunate history of the people Levi loved dying too soon, so if he never told a single soul about the way he felt then maybe Erwin would be safe. Erwin was the one who gave him life when he was ready to die, the one who was so innately alive that Levi would have thought him invincible if not for the cruel truth that everyone died someday. Letting him die would be a disservice to everything Erwin had done for him and an irreversible blow to the Corps’ success. Most of all, though, letting him die, losing him for good, would break Levi in ways he couldn’t even fully wrap his head around.
So he would keep his feelings to himself. If there was no want, if they never moved past friendship, then everything would continue on as they always had.
The logical part of him supposed that holding onto a superstition like that was pure stupidity, but the doctor said that it was a miracle Erwin didn’t bleed out or contract an infection during the time it took for the Corps to return to the city. If his superstition was the reason that Erwin’s injury would ultimately be no more than an obstacle to overcome, then he would gladly keep his emotions bottled up for the rest of his life.
It wasn’t the happiest way to live, but…
“You dumb bastard,” Levi muttered, unsure whether he was referring to himself or Erwin, whose body was beginning to slip further into the tub, making the water slosh and ripple around him. He watched him drift further down into the water until only his head remained above the surface.
Levi shifted in his chair, anxiety radiating from his tensed muscles. “Hey, dumbass, you’re going to drown if you’re not careful,” he barked, but Erwin didn’t stir.
His first instinct was to aggressively yank Erwin back up into a seated position. That was how he’d usually handle Erwin’s perpetual lack of self-preservation, and Erwin was usually strong enough to handle it.
Instead, Levi got up and crouched on the ground beside the tub. He reached out slowly, his limb shaking almost imperceptibly in the air, before plunging his hand beneath the water and brushing his fingers against Erwin’s broad shoulder. Despite the gnarled scars and hardened muscles that defined his body, he felt soft and smooth beneath his touch. Steeling himself, he pressed his palm flush against Erwin’s bare skin. The warmth of the water and the natural heat of Erwin’s body against his own perpetually cold skin felt pleasant in a way entirely new to him, and he shoved the swelling feeling of persistent want away as his breath caught in his throat.
“Erwin,” he said after a few moments of revered silence, much softer than he believed he was capable of, “wake up. You’re going to drown if you don’t sit up.” He repeated himself a few more times before Erwin’s lashes fluttered open. Though weary and hollower than before, the lively spark that defined those blue eyes remained just as fantastically bright as it had always been.
Erwin kept a lot hidden behind his eyes. He rarely shared his secrets with anyone; despite Levi’s connection to him, he was no exception. There were many things Levi didn’t know about his commander, and it was likely that he would never learn what those things were. But there were other pieces of Erwin’s psyche that didn’t need to be spoken for him to know they were true. From the very day Levi agreed to join the Corps he knew that it would take more than grievous bodily harm to break Erwin’s spirit. No titan nor killer could take that away from him. The only thing in the world that could steal the light from Erwin’s eyes was Erwin himself. Levi prayed to any power that would listen for that day to never come.
And if it ever did, Levi begged those powers that he would be enough to stop it.