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day and night, time is drunk with us
Local News— Park Jiyeong, the man who was hit by a car three days ago at Route 31, underwent an 8-hour emergency brain surgery and survived.
In the CCTV footage, we can see that the driver and his female companion stepped out of the vehicle to check on Mr. Park, but after a few seconds, they scramble back to the car and drive off. Seoul National Police has released a statement, calling the incident a clear case of hit and run.
A witness—the driver of the SUV that was behind the couple’s car minutes before the accident—said that he saw the couple kiss several times while on the road, so he decided to overtake them for his own safety.
A fully recovered Mr. Park sat down with our correspondent, Cha Minjung, for an exclusive interview.
‘I got a good look at them before I lost consciousness. They’re a beautiful couple. Like a pair of movie stars. They both looked terrified. But they just left me there to die.’
The couple is still on the run. If you have any information on the whereabouts of the man and the woman on your screen, please contact the police.
~~
It’s been seven days.
Seven days of searching. Of scouring towns and streets for clues. Of piecing together a puzzle. And of slowly coming to terms with the fact that they have been betrayed.
Taemin blows smoke from his puffy lips, cigarette still close to his face and in between his short fingers.
Kibum mentally scolds himself for staring at Taemin and focuses his eyes on the road. How could a man have such sinful lips? He accelerates the speed of his vintage sports car so they could get to their next destination faster.
It is Taemin who is now staring—Kibum’s hands gripping hard on the steering wheel are making them look more enticing than usual. He realizes that, since they met a week ago, he’s been looking at Kibum’s hands a lot. How could he not when he’s making an effort not to look too much at the man’s face? Taemin is still in disbelief about finding another man so attractive to the point that it affects him. But it’s not like looking at Kibum’s hands instead of his face is helping quell whatever is brewing in the pit of his belly. Taemin flicks his cigarette away and rolls up the car window shut.
“Not to be intrusive, but you should quit smoking at some point. As a dancer, your lungs are just as important as your limbs.”
“I actually have quit. Years ago. But since my wife’s disappearance, I found this old habit quite calming.”
“Fair enough. But like I said, at some point you must stop.”
Kibum pulls out a small tub of peppermint candies from the center console and hands it to Taemin.
“Thanks,” Taemin says before taking one inside his mouth.
“Can I have one too?”
“Of course, here.” Taemin plucks a candy from the tub and dumps it inside Kibum’s mouth. He realizes too late how intimate of a gesture it is, especially that they are practically strangers to each other. Especially when their eyes lock for a second.
Kibum clears his throat to break the ice. “This is a good substitute for cigarettes.”
“No, not really. It tastes good and the mint flavor is refreshing, but it does nothing for the nerves.”
“I actually agree with you. My nerves are not calming one bit.”
“Are you worried? About your husband?”
“I am irked. But I don’t think you want to know why.”
“I didn’t want to know everything that I came to know, but I wouldn’t want to go back to not knowing anything. Or to being fooled, to be more accurate.”
“All right. What irks me most is that they had no intentions of leaving us. They were just on a usual rendezvous. But the accident got them fleeing, and now the news got them hiding. That morning, Songkang was begging me to contact this brilliant dance teacher in Busan to give him another set of training sessions. He said he needs a refresher and that he plans to bring along a classmate of his to train with him because she is poor but a promising dancer.”
“So that’s why Sohee told me she was going to Busan for a month for dance training. She said it was a sponsorship so she can’t miss the opportunity.”
“Fuckin’ great. The asshole was going to use my connections and my money to have his mediocre dancer mistress train under a dance master. Shit, I’m sorry, Taemin.”
Taemin lights another cigarette. Kibum says nothing this time.
~~
Without leaving any behind (day one)
Kibum cannot believe his eyes. The husband is young… very young and very good-looking. The kind of good-looking that also screams good-natured. How did the guy end up in this situation? Then again they are in the same predicament, and Kibum knows he deserves to have shit happen to him every now and then for his occasional snarky attitude towards people and the rarity of his appearance at church. But not this.
“Uh, hi. I’m Lee Taemin. I understand my wife’s, uhm, lover has a husband. Perhaps you are him?”
Kibum thanks his propensity to look his best even when he’s feeling absolutely worst inside. He trusts that his gray pinstripe blazer and slacks set with plain black t-shirt, and black-rimmed light-tinted sunglasses saved him from looking like the pitiful spouse who’s been cheated on.
Lee Taemin, the other spouse who has been cheated on, looks far from pitiable himself, Kibum thinks. Taemin may be in casual clothes, but the preference for black makes him look sharp. And with a clean-cut hair dyed dirty blonde and eyebrow slits, he looks piercing.
“I am him, unfortunately. Kim Kibum.” They shake hands. “I guess eyebrow slits are bad luck for marriages, although mine was a result of a childhood accident so it’s an actual scar. You should grow yours back for a reversal of fortune.”
Taemin looks unsure how to respond. Kibum understands, given the circumstances of their meeting. His awkward attempt at alleviating some of the heaviness in the air must have come as a surprise to the young man. But if there’s anything Kibum has mastered in all his years in the corporate world, it’s bouncing back like a tennis ball.
“Taemin, there’s a tea house across the police headquarters. Would you like to join me?”
--
The celadon teacup looks even daintier in Taemin’s small hands. He is holding it with both hands, obviously hogging the heat with the way his fingers are curled around it. Kibum thinks it’s fascinating how someone can possess such innocent features down to his hands. He wonders how Taemin’s feet look like. Taemin is also aptly wearing a black hoodie with the face of a child looking surprised, mouth formed into an O.
“Let me guess— not in your wildest dreams did you see this happening.”
Taemin takes a sip of the tea. He nods stiffly, as if he’s hesitant to show vulnerability. Kibum’s a stranger to him, after all.
“I assume it’s the same for you, Mr. Kim.”
“Just call me Kibum. You probably got wind of my business profile from the nosey cops. I am still young. To answer your question, I can’t say I never suspected such tendencies, but it’s still a shock to me how soon it happened. And with a woman. I didn’t even know I married a bisexual man.”
“They must have met at the University of Performing Arts. I graduated last year so I’ve been out of the scene for a while. Sohee is two years younger than me. He must be her senior for him to take her under his wing. If I had been more sociable like her and her friends, maybe I would’ve seen him or met him in school. Are you a former student? Or maybe you’re in the industry? Although the officer called you CEO.”
“Songkang is five years younger than me. Your wife must be very good for her to be admitted in UPA. It was my dream in my earlier youth to be a student there, but I did not even audition. I’m a dancer in my own right… in my spare time, in my sparse personal spaces. But my story isn’t one wherein I tearfully traded my passion for a CEO position because I’m an only son and therefore an heir. The truth is my parents are both from middle class clans and they worked hard to build our business empire, which I’ve learned to love like it’s an extension of our home. So I willingly did my part. I went to business school and took over my father’s post as soon as I graduated, so I became the new president and CEO, and he, the chairman. I still do partake of the art of dance in my own way— sponsoring productions and just throwing my weight behind gifted but struggling dancers. I try my best to support them financially and even in their craft. I’m a very good dance critic, you know.”
“And that’s how you met your husband.”
“Yes. I sponsored a ballet production wherein he played the lead. His performance earned him a slot in the university.”
“Earned him a husband, too.”
“Oh, no. It’s nothing like that. You don’t really think I use my money and influence for those things, do you? He actually pursued me. Relentlessly. And I’m the idiot who looked at the dancer before the person. Anyway, tell me about your wife.”
“Uh—you assumed that she’s a good dancer. Well, I always praised her; it was the right thing to do, I guess. Honestly, though, she is lacking in talent. But to her credit, her beauty and confidence delay criticism of her dance. Once you get past the looks and appeal, you’d realize she’s more of a dabbler than a dancer. I’m sorry if I sound horrible, but it’s the truth. She knows it too. The only reason she got in the university is because her mother is the mistress of the head of the board of trustees.”
“Oh. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I’m sorry, my mouth is lightning and my good sense is thunder, so I end up talking before thinking. Anyway, feel free to drop idioms pertaining to my wonderful husband.”
“A wolf in sheep’s clothing?”
“More like a snake in the grass. Songkang’s name has almost all the letters that spell ‘snake’.”
“And you’re as green as grass. It goes together.”
“Excuse me, I am not naïve so that expression doesn’t apply to me! I recognized the signs, you know. But I’m a stubborn motherfucker. While people would fight the world to prove themselves right, I’d fight my own instincts to prove myself wrong. Now here I am, wondering where he is and whether he has emptied our joint bank account. I hope my secretary beat him to it.”
Taemin hisses like a snake but sounded more like a sneezing kitten. Kibum bites his lips to keep himself from bursting into laughter. What an interesting boy.
“How did you and your wife end up being married so young?”
“Her mother eloped with a boyfriend and left Sohee broke and homeless. I was a working student and a scholar at UPA so I could afford to rent a small apartment. I took her in. We’re actually childhood friends or childhood sweethearts, as what they call it. Anyway, she grew up hounded by nasty chatter because of her mother’s reputation, so she wanted to hang on to what little dignity she has left. She can’t live with a man without being shamed for it, so we got married at City Hall a week after she moved in. But as it turns out, she really is her mother's offspring.”
“Childhood sweethearts, wow. My husband and I are the opposite. At least they can’t say it’s just whirlwind romances that go to hell.” Kibum refills Taemin’s cup with black tea.
“Can I ask you why you want to go find your husband, even if he’s on the run with my wife?”
“If the cops find Songkang first, it’s going to be a scandal. He’ll be identified as my husband, and considering the pair’s good looks, it will be sensationalized and all over the news. I want to protect the name and company my parents worked hard for. I can’t let my mistake jeopardize our business. My lawyer suggested that we hide him for a few days, and once our divorce papers are finalized, we’ll ask him to turn himself in. He has no choice but to agree to it. He wouldn’t dare beg me to take him back. At least that much he knows about me. I’m a fiercely loyal person, so I do not take kindly to deception.”
“Can I come with you?”
“Are you sure? It could take days. And we both know it won’t be fun.”
“I’d like to talk to Sohee as soon as I can. You know, get my answers and figure out what to do next. I feel like a hurricane hit my life and then everything came to a standstill. I don’t even know what to do after I leave this tea shop.”
An inexplicable ache creeps into Kibum’s heart. Taemin is definitely in a worse shape than him.
“All right. I’ll lead. Let me drive you home after this so I’ll know where to pick you up tomorrow. Get your essentials ready. Pack as you would for a short trip.”
Taemin looks grateful for just getting instructions from Kibum. He’s like a little boy lost.
“I want to say that everything will be okay, Taemin, but I honestly don’t know about that. But whatever we get out of this search, you can be assured that it’ll be a little less cruel because you won’t be facing it alone.”
~~
This melody is like your voice (day nine)
It was day nine into their search when Kibum first noticed the tattoo on Taemin’s forearm: a heart-shaped flame in black ink, filled in gradient style. The sleeves of the flannel shirt Taemin was wearing over a white tee was aptly rolled up at high noon as they drove along a highway.
On another man, it would look tacky, like the equivalent of a butterfly tattoo on a woman’s lower back, or what some call a tramp stamp. But on Taemin it looks so wonderfully raw and completely opposed to pretentiously profound symbols. It’s direct and just out there on his skin— a burning heart. Burning love.
How ironic that Taemin’s eyes and general demeanor are more in the area of cold and ice. But Kibum is no stranger to the effects of a failed marriage. Apart from his own ordeal, Kibum has witnessed many of his friends go through divorce. One can go from being a warm person to a walking dead.
“Does it hurt getting a tattoo?”
Taemin rubs a thumb over his tattoo. “It depends on one’s pain threshold, I guess. Are you afraid of needles?”
“Not really. But the idea of having something permanently mark my skin is not so appealing to me. But yours looks nice. Tattoos always mean something personal, right?”
Taemin pulls out his phone from his pocket and starts scrolling. Kibum takes it that the answer to his question is something unsavory. He then decides it’s best they have a quiet drive for a while, until a song starts to play from Taemin’s phone.
“This is one of my favorite songs. It’s called Flame of Love. I created a choreography for it. It’s my dream, or more like fantasy, to perform it inside a grand theater before a large audience. Like the New National Theater in Tokyo. Anyway, this is why I have a flaming heart tattoo. I think my muse is a song and not a person.”
Kibum nods and listens intently. “Burning red flame of love.”
“Oh, you speak Japanese?”
“I do. I’m fluent in English, Japanese, and Mandarin. I conduct businesses in Tokyo, Hong Kong, Singapore, and L.A.”
“Wow, that’s so cool. I don’t think I have ever met someone so… important.”
“I’m just like any other working dude, Taemin. Don’t mistake us for a chaebol. My folks raised me to have constant awareness of their humble background. It actually feels filthy sometimes to have a lot of money. Especially when people take advantage of it. Anyway, I would like it if you treat me like you did the guys in your school.”
“Oh, you want me to ignore you?” They both end up snickering.
“How did you learn Japanese, Taemin?”
“Promise you won’t laugh?”
“You called me important and I didn’t laugh. You can trust me.”
Taemin full-on chuckles. Kibum thinks Taemin looks so different with an unrestrained smile on his face. Taemin is wearing a cap so between it and his bunched up cheeks, his eyes are no longer visible.
“I got hooked on anime and manga so I decided to learn it.”
“That’s nothing to be ashamed about. It’s actually cool. I watch Japanese animated films. Know what, all this Japanese talk got me craving sushi all of a sudden. Do you like sushi?”
“Oh god, yes!” There is an actual cheerful smile on Taemin’s face this time. Kibum is torn between wanting to see that smile more and dreading it. He knows he’ll be besotted. But then again Kibum is glad to know that his company could melt some of Taemin’s ice.
Taemin is a stranger to him but there is something so powerfully magnetic and yet tender about him that Kibum cannot help but wish the day will come when Taemin would once again find himself caught in a fiery kind of love.
--
On the first week of their search, they bought food from convenience stores or from joints with drive-thru service. The one time they stopped by a diner (the one by the city exit to Route 31) to eat and inquire about their spouses, they lost their appetite after the waiter told them that the couple had in fact stopped by the diner and was even reprimanded by the manager because they fooled around inside the communal restroom.
Although recent, that episode seems like a distant memory now.
Taemin finds himself chuckling at Kibum’s sushi-filled cheeks. The fox-like or even feline-featured man suddenly looking like a hamster is amusing to him. Taemin is unaware that the way he gobbled up his tuna tataki in seconds is more than mildly amusing to Kibum. In another universe, Kibum thinks, I want to be the one who makes tuna tataki for him and just spoil him crazy.
The sushi “date” was a catalyst for many, many conversations between them. Even Taemin, who’s been an introvert all his life and shuns socialization in all its forms, finds himself feeling unfettered around this dashing stranger. As for Kibum, he never expected he’d immensely enjoy conversing with Taemin. He wouldn’t be surprised if other people find the boy weird, but to Kibum it is endearing. There’s something offbeat about Taemin’s comments, and they’re always so candid. So real. He’s nothing like smooth-talking Songkang whose words are calculated.
“He left you because he wants a woman. Isn’t that easier to accept? Because there’s nothing you could’ve done to rectify that, unless you undergo a sex reassignment surgery, which doesn’t seem like something you’d ever consider. As for me, Sohee left me because what? Because I’m poor? Because I’m not ambitious? Because my dick isn’t as big as Songkang’s?” Taemin doesn’t realize he’s wiggling his chopsticks as he speaks, making the sliver of tuna in between dangle comically. Kibum chokes on his salmon so he grabs his iced lychee tea.
“Well, if your wife is after Songkang’s money, that makes my situation more pathetic because my husband left me for a woman who likes his money, which actually came from me. I financed the demise of my marriage. Oh, and don’t worry, Songkang’s just average. But of course I have no basis for comparing his dick to yours.”
They both laugh. Out loud. Very loud.
They can’t remember the last time they laughed.
~~
The sound of your breathing pulls me across the distance to your face (day ten)
They are sprawled side by side on a blanket on the grass for a short stop— Kibum’s legs started cramping after a long drive, so Taemin suggested that they pull over the hillside where a large pine tree is looming over nicely on a patch of lush green ground.
“Sohee is kind. She never complained about what we lacked. Never demanded for more. But I saw how her eyes sparkle when her rich friends pick her up in their flashy cars and when she puts on the designer clothes they hand down to her.”
“You are the kind one, Taemin, for calling her kind. There is no kindness in insincerity. She was merely sparing you out of pity.”
Taemin lets out of a huff, not an angry one, but it still ignites guilt in Kibum.
“I’m sorry, Taemin. I am too blunt for my own good.”
“No, you’re actually right. It’s honesty that I should appreciate most from now on. After everything.”
Kibum reaches out and dares to caress Taemin’s cheek with the back of his hand. “And sincerity. It’s what you deserve.”
Taemin grabs Kibum’s hand to make him stop. Kibum’s heart sinks. But Taemin doesn’t let go of it; he merely brings it down to his chest and grips on it firmly.
“So do you, Kibum.”
--
That night a knock on Kibum’s door startles him. He already knows it’s Taemin, considering that the inn they are booked in tonight is practically empty. The jolt in his gut is not caused by the identity of the person on the other side of the door but by the purpose for this unexpected visit close to midnight.
He patted down his pajama top out of habit, smiling to himself and remembering he’s not at home, where his loungewear is usually littered with his cat Kkoongie’s hair. He opens the door and finds Taemin in a pajama set as well, hair still wet from shower.
“Taemin?”
“I didn’t wake you, did I?”
“No, I just finished drying off and getting dressed. I see you just showered yourself.”
“Perfect. I have this eucalyptus lavender massage oil, my favorite. If you don’t mind, I’d like to massage your calves and feet. It’ll prevent cramping and, well, will help you feel relaxed.”
“Uh-why? I mean, really?” Kibum is stunned but he steps aside as an invitation for Taemin to come in.
“Yeah, you don’t want to get cramps again, right? Besides, I just want to do something nice for you. You’ve been so good to me and generous too. You pay for our lodging and food. I feel like a freeloader.”
“Taemin, don’t think you owe me favors or anything. I had planned on doing this alone, and now I’m realizing how miserable I would’ve been if you hadn’t tagged along. I should be grateful to you. So it’s not necessary, okay?”
“Just let me do this for you, Kibum. I massage my legs all the time, especially after dance practice, so it wouldn’t be that much of an effort for me.”
“Okay. Thanks in advance? I suppose I’ll just sit over there in the corner.” Kibum is thankful he wore pajama shorts tonight and that he didn’t skip his appointment at the wax salon in spite of being distraught that week he saw Songkang’s face in the news.
Taemin grabs the throw pillow from the other chair and puts it on the floor for him to sit on. He uncaps the bottle of massage oil and pours a generous amount on his palm. He feels Kibum tense up at the initial contact of his hand against the man’s shin.
“Just relax. Your calf muscle is understandably stiff from all those long drives. By the way, I could help, you know. I can actually drive. I just didn’t volunteer because I’m quite shy to drive your posh car.”
Kibum sighs.
“I’m sorry, Kibum. I should’ve offered to drive sooner.”
“No, it’s fine. It’s just that— on our first date, Songkang insisted on driving my car. I should’ve sensed right there and then how materialistic he is. He kept saying he has only seen Jaguar E-type cars in movies and magazines.”
“Wow. I don’t really know much about cars. But I know all the Star Wars spacecrafts.”
Did it really have to take something so messed up to happen for me to find someone so perfect?
“Oh god that hurts, but it feels good!”
“Right? That’s the best feeling. When I massage my legs and feet after a long day of dance routines, it feels like sweet torture.”
Taemin chuckles whenever Kibum lets out satisfied groans.
Kibum tries hard not to focus on the sensuality of having Taemin’s slicked hands knead his legs and feet, especially whenever the boy’s fingers press firmly on the fleshiest parts.
Taemin is so good at this that he’d doze off from relaxation if he weren’t a tad turned on.
“Your feet are nice, Kibum. Just like your hands.”
“You know, in my line of work, I have conversed with all kinds of people, and I’m good at anticipating how those conversations will flow. But with you… I cannot ever predict what you’re going to say next. You’re an enigma, Lee Taemin. I cannot imagine how one’s fascination with you could ever end.”
Taemin keeps his eyes on the foot he’s massaging but he has a shy, toothless smile on his face. Kibum wishes it could’ve been there longer but he knows that Taemin knows what he meant by what he said, and this knowledge makes the boy sigh faintly.
And just like that, the sadness is back in Taemin’s eyes.
Kibum grabs Taemin’s hands and starts massaging them. He responds to the question on Taemin’s face.
“You can stop. I feel great now. That was so soothing. Thank you. Now let me soothe your tired hands.”
Taemin’s hands have a bizarre form but Kibum thinks they’re attractive.
There’s something so intimate and beyond sexual about what they’re doing now. It’s like holding hands but being greedy about it. After massaging the palms down to the fingertips, Kibum laces their fingers together so he could bend and stretch Taemin’s hands backwards.
He looks at Taemin, who’s staring at their interlaced hands. The sadness in his eyes now replaced with wonder. Kibum doesn’t know what thoughts are running in Taemin’s mind, but this is better. Kibum doesn’t know why this stranger’s healing suddenly means the world to him.
~~
I didn’t know how to stop (Day Eleven)
Taemin wonders what kind of a man he is to feel nothing near broken over the potential breakdown of his marriage, and instead he feels irrational contentment as he sits cozily inside Kibum’s car. They are traveling on a tree-lined road and the sky is gray— a kind of weather Taemin will usually see as gloomy, but at the moment he’d rather call it balmy. And nice. There’s something calming about the smell of it all. He doesn’t know if it’s the car scent or Kibum’s smell, which is part-musky, part-citrusy. Whatever it is, it appeases him.
“I feel guilty,” he blurts out. Taemin didn’t expect his thoughts would compel him to speak.
“About what? Don’t tell me you feel guilty being alone with me. Trust me, our spouses don’t just use the car to travel side by side like this.”
“I know. But that’s the thing. I know what they are doing, so I should be furious and devastated right now.”
“Maybe you haven’t really processed everything. Oops, I think I made a wrong turn.”
Taemin watches Kibum back the car up slowly and make a turn. He notices that Kibum’s wearing white leather gloves. Must be protection for his hands, since he drives for hours daily.
“Sexy.” Taemin wants to slap himself. Maybe his loose tongue is his psyche’s way of rebelling against life.
“What’s sexy?” Kibum’s eyes are on the truck in front of them, to Taemin’s relief. He is positive the heat he is feeling crawling up his cheeks is visible.
“Ah, the billboard we just passed by. It’s a sexy resort house.” Taemin knows he sounds dumb calling a resort sexy, but he will have to roll with it.
“Fuck, why didn’t I realize sooner?“
“Realize what?”
“I have a vacation house in Sokcho! A bungalow with a great view of the sea. Songkang has a key to it.”
--
They were here.
The house is empty and neat, but Kibum senses that there was an activity inside the house not too long ago. An energy still lingering.
His instincts are right. He sees two of the wine glasses on the kitchen counter’s corner tray noticeably upright among the others that are arranged cup down, stem up.
Kibum quickly checks the fridge and sees that the unopened chardonnay he left in there to chill is now half empty.
“They were here, I’m sure of it.”
“This is a nice house.”
Kibum isn’t sure if Taemin means to ignore his statement or if he’s just truly captivated by the house. It is a beautiful house. Kibum hired his favorite interior designer to work on it.
“I’d show you around, but I don’t think it’s a good idea that we see the bedroom and have our imagination torture us.”
“The image has unwittingly entered my head many times.”
“But having a visual aid would still be too much, don’t you think?”
Taemin shrugs but his face bears acceptance. Kibum doesn’t know why he’s more hurt for Taemin than himself the longer he looks at the latter’s face.
“Okay, since we’re here, I might as well show you my favorite part of the house. Come.”
Kibum leads Taemin to a spacious wooden-floored patio overlooking the sea. Taemin gasps.
“Wow. The view is spectacular. No wonder it’s your favorite part of the house.”
“It’s what I do here that makes it more special to me.”
Taemin looks at him with furrowed brows.
“This is where I dance. Or practice dance. Look over there at the corner. I have a little sound system installed there. I have an idea— Maybe you can show me how you interpret your favorite song. Don’t you think Flame of Love would be magical to dance on an elevated place surrounded by nature’s beauty? I could give you valuable feedback too.”
---
It’s one of those events that are so phenomenal it just breezed right through time, that recalling what you have just witnessed is like waking up from a vivid dream and spending the next agonizing seconds trying to remember what you dreamed about.
Not only is Taemin more beautiful than Songkang; he is the better dancer. In fact, Kibum thinks it’s the best performance he has ever seen in his life. Taemin doesn’t need to fall apart because of one woman. He can go out there and dance, and the world will fall for him. The thought registers unpleasantly to Kibum, and this bothers him.
“So? What do you think?”
How can Kibum tell Taemin that he made the tragic mistake of falling into Songkang’s trap, and he realizes now that it is Taemin who deserves the universe, and therefore he wants to give the universe to Taemin?
“I think you are so powerful as a dancer that you can set any cold heart aflame.”
“Even yours?”
“Even mine. It’s burning now, Taemin,” Kibum says breathlessly, even if he is not the one who just danced a whole song.
He pulls Taemin in by the waist and notices that the boy has started panting. Kibum is curious if it’s adrenaline and the physical workout that is causing it, or if it’s jitters from the way their bodies are pressed together.
Kibum already knows that Taemin would be against being kissed. The man is straight, after all, and is still reeling from his wayward wife’s betrayal. But seconds go by and he is not being pushed away, nor is there a warning falling from Taemin’s lips, which Kibum regretfully stares at because he then loses whatever control he has summoned from the time Taemin started dancing.
He crashes his lips against Taemin’s, and Taemin ends up clutching the lapels of Kibum’s blazer, much to his surprise. The shove Kibum was waiting for didn’t come, even after he deepens the kiss and seeks Taemin’s tongue with his.
They kiss as though it was part of the performance. Burning red flame of love. Until Taemin pulls away and mutters what sounds like an apology before rushing inside the house.
They were back on the road that afternoon. Their silence carries an unspoken agreement not to talk about this kiss.
~~
I didn’t know how to hide my heart (day fourteen)
On the first day of their search, Kibum and Taemin had a long discussion about their nightly lodging. Taemin refused to allow Kibum to shoulder the expenses for it entirely and insisted that they pay for their own rooms, provided that they stay at inns, motels, or guesthouses so that he can afford it. Of course Kibum will not have it— he is aware of Taemin’s economic situation. He also suspects that it is his husband who ignited the fire that is his illicit affair with Taemin’s wife, ergo the first shot was fired from their base. The fact that Taemin has enough dignity to refuse Kibum’s offer moves him deeply. It results to a greater compulsion on Kibum’s end to look after Taemin’s needs.
“Taemin, do you really want me to disclose to you how much I make in a month? Or will you just take my word for it— that it won’t even scratch the surface of my daily budget? You have to be practical. Especially that you’re about to have a reset of your life.”
Despite his reluctance and embarrassment, Taemin finally agreed, but on the condition that they stick to the kind of accommodations he suggested.
They usually occupy adjacent rooms and they meet in the morning for breakfast. Kibum is not used to having non-business conversations in the mornings, but he found himself enjoying this temporary routine. Eating and conversing with Taemin as he starts his day make him forget that he’s with Taemin because of undesirable circumstances. It also reminded him that he and Songkang never have breakfast together. Songkang often woke up at noon while Kibum rushes off to work early in the morning.
“We’ve been having breakfast together for thirteen days now, and all you’ve ever ordered is omelette.”
“Taemin, it’s a breakfast option that every establishment has, big or small. Besides, you can never go wrong with omelette. How horrible a cook you are if you fail at whipping a decent omelette.”
“Makes sense. I will probably end up thinking of you whenever I eat or see omelette.”
“That’s not good. There’s nothing special about omelette.” Kibum doesn’t realize that he’s pouting and that this is the reason why Taemin is chuckling.
“Maybe to you, Kibum. But to me— omelette is irreplaceable.”
Kibum’s pout softens to a grin.
That night, after an exhausting trip to Songkang’s hometown (they already went to the coastal town where Sohee spent most of her childhood, but they got nothing), they end up in a guesthouse in a small town with only two rooms. Perfect, they think, until the elderly woman who owns the house informs them that one of the rooms has a non-working heater.
Too tired to consider other lodging options and already too comfortable with each other to have any concerns about sharing a queen-sized bed for a night, they request an extra blanket before taking the key from the owner.
--
The room is bigger than they expected. There’s a whole oval carpet between the bed and the television. Just like the rest of the house, the room is decorated country style— wooden furniture, lots of floral prints, and doily mats under small appliances and random displays.
Kibum removes his blazer and shoes and hurriedly puts down the brown paper bag on the tea table by the corner. They had ramen at a convenience store earlier, and while there Kibum spotted a glass display cabinet full of liquor in the farthest corner of the store.
He eagerly unfolds the opening of the brown paper bag and pulls out its contents one by one: a bag of salted pretzels, a can of Vienna sausages, a small jar of olives, a pack of gouda cheese slices, and a bottle that Kibum—instead of putting down on the table like he did the other items—cradles in his arms.
“I can’t believe I found this there! My favorite drink in the whole world is Prosecco. Let’s unwind tonight, Taemin, and make a pact not to talk about our favorite treacherous pair.”
Taemin hums in agreement and surveys the spacious room.
“Kibum, look. They have vinyl records and a turn table!”
“Perfect!” Kibum’s light squeal causes Taemin to chuckle.
They have a dance-off to Motown hits for an hour. Taemin was about to accept defeat to Kibum’s dancing to upbeat songs until Kibum makes the mistake of putting on Michael Jackson.
Exhausted, they relax on the carpet in front of the low table where Kibum has arranged the antipasti and Prosecco.
They talk about everything from dance to their silliest interests, drinking and laughing and momentarily forgetting the reason they’re together. Taemin swoons when Kibum enumerates the names of the dishes he can cook like a pro.
“I’m sorry for my weird response. It’s just that no one in our home cooks so I’m deprived of good food. But don’t pity me; it helps me maintain my dancer figure.”
The bottle of Prosecco is almost empty. They know in their alcohol-buzzed consciousness that it’s stupid to come up with the rule that they cannot bring up the subject of their spouses.
“Now it makes sense why Songkang always asked to pack a generous portion of my dishes. He shared his food with her. I thought he just really loved them.”
“Why did you marry him, Kibum?”
“He was arrestingly beautiful when I first saw him. I live for beauty. I really shouldn’t, not anymore at least, but--”
“But-? What?”
“But… You.”
“Me?”
“If I had met you first, I will find that his is only a likeness of beauty.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re beautiful, Taemin. So much more than him.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“That was pretty straightforward. What don’t you understand?”
“This. This thing that is happening between us.”
“I don’t understand it either."
“What do we do now?”
Kibum paces around the room and then sits on the edge of the bed. He sucks his lips in and releases with a pop. Taemin cannot decide if Kibum looks nervous or absolutely sure about what he’s about to say.
“How about we kiss? It won’t be a surprise this time.”
They are now looking at each other’s lips.
“I don’t want to be a rebound, Kibum. And I don’t want to taint my idea of intimacy by engaging in it as a form of revenge.”
“I am in no need of a rebound and I am far from feeling vengeful. What do you say we fuck this out? Maybe after that we’ll understand what this is.”
Kibum is just shooting his shot but he knows Taemin would be opposed to, or even be repulsed at, the idea of them sleeping together. His rejection won’t offend Kibum. After all, it is Taemin’s decency and prudence that endeared him to Kibum. He is nothing like the snake Songkang, who uses his dick to get what he wants.
Thoughts of Songkang come to an abrupt stop when Taemin starts unbuttoning his shirt.
Is he actually agreeing to have sex with me?
“Taemin, I was just being cheeky. You don’t have to--”
Taemin shushes Kibum before pulling his shirt open and sliding it off his shoulders. Kibum’s eyes follow the garment until it falls on the floor. He swallows at the sight of Taemin’s bare and perfect torso.
Taemin’s fingers fumble with the button of his pants. “If you tell me that you honestly did not mean what you said, I will stop and put my shirt back on.”
“No. Please continue. As a matter of fact, let me join you.” Kibum sheds his sweater. He was nervous at first until he sees the glint in Taemin’s eye. He untucks his shirt before pulling it off completely.
“Do you want this, Kibum?”
“I know that the affair bruised your ego badly, Taemin, but anyone with the capacity to want someone would want you. And keep you.” The last sentence a mere whisper. “But is this really something you can do, Taemin?”
“I have never been with a man.”
“Do you want to be with a man? Right now, at least.”
“I want to be with you, Kibum. Even just this once.”
Kibum tries hard not to show how the statement is triggering profound sentimentality in him.
“You know how it goes, right?”
“Of course I do, Kibum. I am not a child.”
“Then you know that one of us will be taking the other in... will be bottoming, if you’re familiar with the term.”
“And that would be you, I suppose. I mean… since my experience is limited to… you know, women.”
“Actually… since this is your first time, and possibly your only time with a dude, how about I show you what you’ve been missing all along?”
--
Kibum realizes he never experienced post-coital vulnerability with Songkang. It seems that their encounters have always been primal. Kibum would’ve dreaded this... this supposed moment of weakness. But looking at Taemin beside him, asleep and naked and flawless, except for the marks on his torso and thighs made by Kibum’s mouth, he realizes how nice it is to feel fragile beside someone he just shared his body with. It isn’t just sex this way. But intimacy involves two parties. And he knows Taemin's feelings wouldn’t necessarily match his just because they fucked.
Kibum is already anticipating the guilt that will take over Taemin. He hopes there wouldn’t be a single ounce of disgust, but he cannot discount this possibility. If ever, he’ll just take comfort in the fact that Taemin enjoyed it. The moans and cries are still fresh in Kibum’s mind, just like the scratches on his back that still sting.
Taemin stirs. Kibum’s gut turns. He’s been hurt badly enough by the recent events… he can handle more pain, right? His thoughts are disrupted by a warm hand on his chest and smooth legs entangling with his.
“This was the last thing on my mind when I decided to go with you on this search.” Taemin’s calm tone finally puts Kibum at ease.
“Why, am I not attractive to you?” Kibum plays with Taemin’s fingers, which are splayed on his chest.
“That’s not what I meant. Considering the circumstances, I didn’t see you as a hookup prospect.”
“I get it—I’m not your type. You’re straight, after all.”
“No, that’s not… you are--”
“Honey, I was just teasing you. Yeah, I know how fucked up it is to be having sex in mind at such a time. And beautiful as you are, it never escaped me that moment we met that you have a wife.”
“Speaking of my wife-- I wonder how Sohee would feel if she finds out her lover’s husband fucked her husband.”
“Now that’s gonna be a whole new level of mind fuck for her. Seriously, though, if I were married to you, Songkang will have to physically grab my head to make me look his way.”
The silence that follows worries Kibum anew. He’s relieved that Taemin isn’t appalled by the act they just did, but he’s pushing his luck with all this talk. He makes amends by carefully turning to his side and surrendering to sleep.
~~
You’re still inside me, like a cold that won’t get better (day fifteen)
Kibum almost throws his phone hard against the wall when it alarms like a deafening emergency siren. It woke him up brutally, but he’s actually more concerned about it disrupting Taemin’s sleep. To his surprise, though, Taemin is already awake and propped up against the headboard, his bare chest a more blinding sight than the sun outside the window.
“Have you been awake long? You should have woken me up.”
“How long do you think it took them?”
“Huh?”
“I mean, how many days since they met before they went to bed together.”
“I can’t even guess, Taemin. I was too preoccupied with work to notice any change in Songkang’s routine. Come to think of it, I don't even know his routine.”
“What if we’re worse? Because we’ve only known each other for two weeks and here we are.”
“We can never be worse than them, Taemin. The circumstances are different.”
“Because this is revenge sex? Is it what happened between us, Kibum?”
“If it was for revenge, I would’ve thought about Songkang and my grudge against him, but the thought of him never crossed my mind last night. I was completely immersed in you.”
Taemin wishes they could both agree that it’s revenge sex. Because right now he’s feeling guilty about not feeling guilty about what they did. He feels bad that he feels good. He feels lavished. He has never been on the receiving end of such generous attention during sex. He has never been showered with so much kisses that it seemed like all the kisses he had ever received in his life couldn’t top the number of kisses he got from Kibum in one night. Like Kibum was sent on a mission to show him how every inch of his skin could feel pleasure. Like Taemin was nothing but a mound of flesh that Kibum formed and brought to life with his hands and mouth. Fingers and tongue. And cock, which Taemin never knew he’d ever desire. Having Kibum's cock inside him was the most exquisite sexual feeling he has ever experienced.
He must get out of bed before his body takes control of him and he ends up begging Kibum to fuck him again. He needs a cold shower.
When Taemin moves to stand up, Kibum catches his wrist.
“It’s okay, Taemin, if it’s just revenge sex for you. My messed up emotions shouldn’t be your concern. It’s my problem to deal with.”
Taemin wants to say it isn’t revenge sex for him too, but he’s looking at Kibum’s face and remembering how it looked when Kibum was finishing inside Taemin earlier… how beautiful and arousing Kibum’s orgasm face is. Taemin feels dizzy. He needs space.
He nods and smiles faintly at Kibum before walking towards the bathroom.
--
They are back on the road and Taemin is fidgeting in his seat. He cannot stop replaying the sex they had last night. He tells himself that the reason for this is because he is still sore and it feels worse with prolonged sitting.
“So… You now have a basis for comparing his dick to mine. So…?
“Taemin, you hardly ever initiate conversations, but when you do, it short-circuits my brain.” Kibum laughs hard, and laughs even harder when he sees on Taemin’s face that the boy is actually waiting for an answer.
“I already told you that he’s average, right? Yours is… just lovely. Like the rest of you.”
“Is that a good feedback?” Taemin is looking so diffident, so fragile that Kibum wants to stop the car and pull him into his arms for a tight hug.
“Were my actions last night bereft of any show of appreciation for your lovely cock, lovely Lee Taemin?”
Taemin looks away, blushing and smiling shyly. But when he looks at Kibum again, his expression has lost all shyness.
“Why are you staring at my lips, Taemin?” Kibum stops the car for real.
~~
The day I was you, the night you were me (day seventeen)
“Kibum?”
“Yes?”
“Do you hate Songkang and Sohee?”
“Hmm... I hated Songkang for using me. After spending some time with you, I started hating Sohee too, because how could she? You’re precious. But now, I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m just too exhausted to hate them, or maybe in the process of searching for them I’ve learned to accept that my marriage is over. Besides, if he hadn’t been that much of an asshole to screw someone else’s wife, I wouldn’t have met you. It hasn’t been a long journey, but I cannot imagine undoing the existence of Lee Taemin in the world as I know it. What about you? Do you hate them?”
“I don’t, honestly.”
“Really? I will understand that you cannot hate Sohee because she’s been in your life forever. But Songkang too? Not even a bit?”
“I realized that it’s possible that they simply fell in love with each other. They certainly didn’t plan it. I realized it happens. It could happen to anyone.”
“Did you just realize that?”
Taemin hums. Kibum isn’t sure if the hum is an affirmation or deflection. All he knows is that he came to the same realization when he spent the night with Taemin.
The image of Taemin as a lover is haunting him now and will continue haunting him long after this. Taemin’s body, which appears willowy and svelte in form-fitting clothes, is surprisingly very masculine when unclothed. His shoulders are wide and his arms are perfectly sculpted. And his chest is gloriously defined, as well as his abs. And yet there is a dainty aspect to his overall physique that matches his coyness.
When Kibum was thrusting in and out of Taemin, the boy covered his face shyly in an attempt to conceal the euphoria of being fucked so good by a man for the first time. Kibum dropped his hands on the bed, caging Taemin's head, and breathed on the hands covering the most perfect face Kibum has ever seen.
“Taemin, look at me. Please.”
Kibum slowed down to calm Taemin a bit. Taemin brought his hands and arms down and stared into Kibum’s eyes. Kibum stared back and resumed pumping rhythmically.
“If only you could see what I see. You are so beautiful, Taemin.”
A couple of weeks ago, Kibum was convinced his life is falling apart. And worse, he is too responsible to allow himself an immediate crash and burn, which is horrible but guaranteed to get him on the road to self-redemption sooner. But no—he has too many responsibilities and he is committed heart and mind to each one of those. So the heartbreak could only seep into the lulls of his schedule in increments. His misery will then be dragged on and on until God knows when.
But Taemin came along. And for someone who tries to make himself small so as not to burden anyone, Taemin was a force to Kibum that proved to be stronger than anything he had ever contended with.
Kibum dipped down to plant a kiss on Taemin’s lips. A kiss so tender it made them forget for a second that Kibum is still buried deep inside Taemin.
“Unexpected intrusions of beauty. This is what life is.” Kibum brushed a few strands of sweat-soaked bangs off Taemin’s forehead. “It’s a quote from writer Saul Bellow which I’ve always loved with a sense of wonder. Although in reality I’m more inclined to believe it’s a bother. But now I can agree with him. This is what life is.”
Taemin pulled Kibum in by the neck for a furious kiss that prompted the latter to pound on the boy like he’s the last beautiful thing Kibum is allowed to covet.
When Taemin’s cock finally released between their torsos, Kibum stilled to prolong the orgasmic haze for Taemin. To his surprise, however, Taemin’s blissful shuddering made him come unceremoniously. Later, Kibum would feel embarrassed by the half-moan, half-shriek that was pulled out of him when he first exploded.
They held each other until the tremors stopped.
Kibum still feels the tremors at present.
~~
You and I are different from now. This is it, there’s nowhere else to go. (day eighteen)
They hit a dead end in their journey on the eighteenth day. They have covered all the places pertinent to their search, even exploring areas that weren’t part of what they originally mapped out. Kibum wonders whether they stretched it out for as long as they could, but for what reason? He could only account for his, and at this point he can bravely admit to himself that he wanted to spend more time with Taemin. In spite of the fortitude he knows he has developed as an adult, Kibum is unnerved by the idea that Taemin’s presence merely delayed the misery. And when they part ways, will he then mourn for the end of his marriage to Songkang? Or for Taemin’s absence?
Whatever turmoil Kibum feels inside, work and responsibilities beckon. They need to return to their lives. Taemin has work and auditions to prepare for, and Kibum has a company to run. So now they are on their way back to Seoul.
“Can I be honest with you, Taemin?
“That’s all I would want you to be, Kibum.”
Kibum doesn’t just steal a glance this time. He turns to look fully at Taemin, confident that it won’t pose any danger to them on the road, which is a long stretch of an empty highway at this point. What a sight Taemin is… especially that he’s wearing the white sleeveless top that Kibum bought from a boutique in the last town they went to. He saw it and immediately thought it would look perfect on Taemin. It has a text printed by the neckline that says take a small bite. Kibum lied and said he bought it because he needed loose change. He’ll make up for that lie by confessing a bigger truth.
“I don’t care anymore if I don’t ever find out what happened to them. If they eloped or ran into trouble, or died even. They did something horrible, and not just to us but to that old man. Besides, I don’t think I need closure for something that is just a sham. But I do care about the outcome that you want, Taemin. If you want to know what happened to them and where they are. If you want to repair your marriage.” Kibum sighs and looks back on the road. Taemin sees that his eyes are misting.
“What I’m saying is that you’re all I care about now, Taemin. I know that I may have once again fallen into the trap of turning into a complete fool in the face of beauty, so I won’t pursue anything. I just want to make sure you’ll be fine when this journey is over.”
“I want to reciprocate your honesty, Kibum. I really do. But being honest about how I feel will only complicate my life further. So let’s just say that whether or not this mission has been a failure, we stumbled into each other, into a bizarre but special friendship. I will be fine, Kibum.”
“Taemin?”
“Yes?”
“If you make it to the New National Theater in Tokyo—I know you will—can I travel there and watch you?”
“Of course you can.”
“Thank you. Any last request from me?”
“Actually, yes.” Taemin is looking ahead on the road, a smile taking over his face except for his eyes.
“What is it?”
“Don’t marry the next arrestingly beautiful person you meet.”
No one can ever exceed your beauty. Kibum has so much he wants to say, and maybe he would when the time is right, when the universe deems him worthy of one who is absolutely beautiful. Maybe then he can be Taemin’s burning love.
Thankful that Taemin’s humor is quelling the ache in his chest, Kibum lets out a loud laugh.
Taemin hasn’t been hearing it for that long, but he knows he will miss this laugh.
~
“Day by day and night by night we were together—all else has long been forgotten by me..."
-Walt Whitman
END