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Erwin isn’t loud, doesn’t turn it into a fight, because he doesn’t fight back. Levi tries, he tries to get Erwin to at least try to salvage what may still be left of their relationship, but he doesn’t get what he wants. Instead, he gets to witness defeat, surrender. Instead, Levi sees a man in front of him now who has never been one to give up in the first place… give up. Just like that. It’s not right, not them, not supposed to happen. They’ve been the one power couple among their friends who has stayed together for so long that Levi barely remembers a life before Erwin.
They were supposed to be it, and now they aren’t. With so little effort, Erwin turned ‘us’ into ‘you and I’ but not in the sense of them being together. Because that’s apparently the point with breakups, that you aren’t together anymore. Levi refuses to see it because he still has Erwin in front of him, but the fear of it sinking in once he’s left the apartment slowly grows and takes a hold of Levi. It has him in a vice grip soon, which renders him unable to continue fighting for Erwin, for them—much like Erwin himself.
Levi wants to think that Erwin is scared, too. That would certainly make him feel less alone in this situation where he now is alone, where Erwin did just speak a few simple words that so easily shattered Levi’s world into smithereens.
“I think we should go our separate ways, Levi.”
There’s nothing quite like being forced to face and acknowledge all of one’s shortcomings in one fell swoop like when you’re standing at the bottom of the steps up to your best friend’s apartment with only a duffel bag haphazardly packed full with what you’ll need for the night. Levi’s grip on the bag’s shoulder bands tightens, and he clenches his jaw while looking up at the apartment complex he’s about to enter.
It truly feels like admitting defeat and waving the white flag, being here. The worst part about it is that this defeat is mostly a result of his own actions—or rather, inaction. This didn’t have to happen, but it also felt necessary because of how Levi apparently has been neglecting Erwin and their entire relationship for who knows how long.
He doesn’t want to think about how long this has been going on. But knowing Hanji, they’ll make sure that he thinks long and hard about it because he needs to.
Levi trudges up the steps to Hanji’s apartment, knocking on their door instead of using that godawful doorbell that just lets out a shrill noise that should alert the entire building. Somehow, it doesn’t.
Hanji opens the door and barely even greets Levi verbally before they let him inside. He feels like he’s a puppy about to be scolded for pissing on an expensive rug, walking into the apartment after Hanji. They sit down at the kitchen table, and Levi interlaces his fingers in his lap to prevent himself from fidgeting.
“Start from the beginning,” Hanji says. “And be objective, please—as much as you can, at least.”
Levi barely even raises his eyebrows, doesn’t have the energy to scoff despite wanting to. “You think I’m gonna blame it all on him, huh.”
“Wouldn’t put it past you. It’s happened before.”
He grimaces. They’re right, of course; Hanji has known the both of them for a long time, they know both Levi and Erwin better than anyone else does. Which is why this situation is extra awful, because Hanji will be able to piece things together from Erwin’s perspective even without having talked to him. Levi, however, highly suspects that they’ve absolutely talked before Levi came over. It only makes sense: Erwin was always the better one at communicating in general out of the two of them.
Levi sighs, and he doesn’t mean for his shrug to come off as nonchalant, more on the helpless side. But he’s aware that Hanji doesn’t know that since they don’t have all of the pieces to this puzzle—he does.
“I don’t… know? Where shit went to hell? Honestly, you’re better off asking him—”
“—which I did,” Hanji interrupts, “but I want to hear your side of it, too. Since I’m friends with both of you idiots.”
“Wow, thanks,” Levi scoffs, but Hanji doesn’t budge. “He said that I’m… that I suck at communicating. He never knows what I’m thinking. And I… think I agree. That I’m shit at communicating.”
“You think,” Hanji says dryly. “That’s always been one of your biggest issues, Levi. Communication.”
While he appreciates the honesty, it still stings to hear it not just from his now ex-boyfriend but also his best friend that Levi doesn’t know how to communicate his thoughts and feelings. Is he completely ignorant as to how to communicate such things? No. But Levi lived most of his childhood without knowing how to deal with these things because he was raised by parents who never told him that they loved him, much less showed it. He never dated in school, and he didn’t have many friends. Any and all sort of intimacy he gained was through sex—no strings attached arrangements where the sole purpose was sexual satisfaction.
His past certainly isn’t an excuse for the way he behaves today, Levi knows this much. But it’s at least an explanation, and the rest is on him to make sure that he rectifies this if he wants to have any chance of being with Erwin again. Because, as much as his life never made sense, it made all the sense since meeting Erwin. And now he’s fucked that up, by neglecting Erwin and not meeting his wants and needs.
Levi feels awful. He wonders to himself what it is that Erwin saw in him all those years ago that made Erwin fall for him, why he wanted to get into a relationship in the first place. Levi knows why he fell in love, but their reasons have to be vastly different from each other. It isn’t all that surprising: people have told them time and time again how different they are, like polar opposites. But it worked very well for a long time, during which they just never had any problems whatsoever.
Or so Levi thought.
He sighs, crossing his arms over the table and resting his chin in the gap between his arms. “I’ve been absolute fucking shit to him, haven’t I?”
Hanji hums, sounding unsure. “It’s not just your fault, Levi. I say that you suck at communication, but Erwin isn’t the best at that, either. If he was, you would’ve been aware of your own issues with it way sooner.”
“But I’m worse.”
“You are,” Hanji agrees. “But you’re not a tree, Levi—you can change. If you want to.” They shrug. “I’m not a relationship expect, but you both have some shit to work out if you want to get back together.”
Levi really doesn’t want to ask this question, but his mind tells him otherwise. “Do you think he wants to?”
Hanji smiles sadly. “Of course he does. Erwin adores you. He just… well. I think he finally decided to put himself first for a change. Which I think is good for him, because everyone needs to do that every once in a while.”
“What if putting himself first means never getting back together with me, then?”
“Then that’s what it means. Erwin doesn’t have to be your one true love, just because this didn’t work out and if you can’t get back together—that doesn’t mean you’re destined to die alone. You’ll move on, even if it takes time.”
Levi frowns. “You say that so easily as if you know it for a fact.”
“Because I do. Not out of experience, but… that’s how humans work. Fascinating creatures.”
“Don’t talk about humans as if you’re not a human yourself, you fucking weirdo.”
Hanji laughs a little. “I’ll fetch you a blanket and a pillow for the couch.”
“I’m glad your couch is comfortable.”
“I bet you are,” Hanji says before getting up from their chair.
Long after Hanji has gone to bed, Levi still lies on the couch staring up at the ceiling. He’s lucky to be short, because anyone of a normal stature would probably struggle to sleep on this couch as easily as Levi does. He hasn’t slept on it that many times, just those very few times he was too drunk to go back home the same night. But this feels different on so many levels: the most obvious reason being that he isn’t too drunk to go home.
He doesn’t have a home to return to.
A lump forms in Levi’s throat, and he chokes on a sob while clutching the blanket tighter to himself. Levi crawls into a foetal position, hugging his knees, and prays that whatever deity may exist up there has mercy on him and lets him get in a little sleep before work come tomorrow morning.
Focusing on work is so much more difficult when one’s life is a mess, Levi quickly finds out. He drops two coffee mugs and spills ground coffee beans on the floor all in the first day back at work since his and Erwin’s split, and it’s so unlike him that Mike calls him in around back for a ‘talk’. Mike isn’t much for talking, which was one of the main things Levi remembers really liking about this job when he first started. No fuss, no complications. His co-workers are a different story, but the coffee shop boss is the one Levi has always found it easiest to get along with.
For him to call Levi in for a conversation with a capital C is not only more unusual than seeing shooting stars, it’s also following a very serious mishap, if it gets to that point. Which it has done now for Levi who never messes up. He takes pride in the fact that he’s got his shit together more than anyone else at work. But today is, clearly, different.
“Do you need time off?” Mike asks.
Levi stares incredulously at his boss. “Why would I need time off?”
“You’re all over the place today, Ackerman. This isn’t like you. You know how I like my shop: quiet, simple, things run smoothly. Today has offered none of that so far, all because of you being off your game.”
Levi bows his head a little to hide his frustrated frown. “I’ll get my shit together, promise. Won’t happen again.”
“It definitely won’t, ‘cause I’m forcing you to take time off. You’ve got so many paid vacation days to take out that management is suspecting me of keeping a slave.”
A mild sense of panic lodges itself in between Levi’s ribs, and he feels his heart thumping uncomfortably against the cage of bone keeping it confined. It’s beneath him to beg for something like being allowed to continue working instead of being sent home where all he’ll do is wallow in self-pity, but Levi sees no other choice. Mike is a tough one to barter with, regardless of who attempts to negotiate with him in the first place. “Please, Mike. I’m just having a shit day, alright?”
“Yeah, so I’ve heard. And I think your circumstances are reason enough to take some time off. Get some sleep, for starters—you look awful and I heard you only moved out yesterday.”
Leave it to fucking Hanji to spread details about Levi’s personal life to all of their friends within seconds of hearing about it themselves. Hanji never means anything bad by talking about this sort of stuff with their other friends, but they still don’t make it easy for Levi to conceal the reason behind him being out of sync at work today. Had Mike not heard from Hanji already, Levi is certain he would’ve been off the hook with just a warning by now.
He’s sent home without room for argument, and Levi types away a very angry text message to Hanji filled with more cuss words than he’s written to anyone in a long time. He knows they’ll understand how angry he is and how betrayed he feels. Work would’ve been a perfect way for Levi to distract himself from the fact that he and Erwin broke up and that he isn’t living in their apartment anymore.
Erwin’s apartment.
It was always his; Levi just moved in and made half of the expenses and the space his own. His name was only on the mailbox, never on the lease. Which he was fine with, and it made sense. It was originally Erwin’s space, and now it’s only his space again. Back to square one… except they can’t go back to the way things were before they started dating. Far too many things have happened since for either of them to be able to pretend like they didn’t basically spend an entire lifetime together as more than friends—hell, more than lovers. Erwin was Levi’s everything, and he still managed to take it for granted.
He rounds the corner to Hanji’s apartment building but stops in his tracks when he sees a familiar figure stand by the stairs leading up to Hanji’s apartment. He knows exactly why Nile is here, because Nile has no reason to come over for a spontaneous, friendly visit. He’s not a friend of Hanji’s, nor has Levi ever liked him enough to call him a friend. Which only leaves Erwin, and that’s why Levi has a hunch that this might, just might turn ugly.
Levi inhales and exhales a breath before he steels himself, closing the distance between himself and Erwin’s best friend Nile Dok.
“Hey,” Nile says. “You look like hell.”
Levi holds back his worst insults, but knows they’ll probably come out soon, anyway. “Thanks. As do you, on more of a permanent level.”
He notes the cardboard box by Nile’s feet, knowing exactly what it is, and his heart aches. Despite their breakup, Erwin is still too kind to Levi, and it makes him feel like he must’ve been heartless to Erwin in comparison.
“I don’t wanna stick around longer than I have to,” Nike spits out, “’cause just seeing your face makes me want to rearrange it with a fist or two.”
“Poetic.”
“S’not supposed to be.” Nile at least has the decency to not kick the cardboard box he brought with him but instead slides it towards Levi with the toe of his shoe. “Some of your shit. Erwin says you should give him a call once you’ve gotten yourself a new place. So he can send the rest of your shit.”
There’s a funny feeling that forms in the pit of Levi’s stomach. It feels like what he imagines being eaten from the inside feels like. “Thanks,” he mutters.
“Not doing this for you, if that’s what you think. You know, you really fucked him over, man. I never understood what he saw in you and I guess he finally came to his senses.”
Levi wants so badly to punch this guy in the face, rearrange his face before Nile has the chance to do the same to Levi’s. But instead, he just lets his clenched fists stay at his sides, and he exhales a quiet, long breath through his nostrils. It’s not worth it.
“Guess so,” he replies hollowly before Nile gives him one last glare, and then he returns to the car he parked on the side of the street. Levi doesn’t see him off before picking up his cardboard box and carrying it up the stairs to Hanji’s.
“Hey.”
Levi doesn’t peek his head out from under the blanket. “Go and be important or annoying somewhere else.”
“You should eat something. I made congee. Not that you’re… sick sick. But it’s easy to eat.”
“Not hungry.”
“You haven’t eaten since Tuesday, Levi,” Hanji tries, voice gentle. Which is a funny thing to say, because that implies Hanji expects Levi to know when Tuesday was. “I may not have seen much of you since, but I know you. And I know that you probably look like shit right now.”
He manages a huff despite himself. “Nile said the same thing. Not surprised; you probably talked to him, too.”
“He doesn’t know you, but I do. The way we say that is different. Now come on, eat at least a little bit? Or drink something? Water, tea?”
Levi snorts. “You got anything stronger than that?”
Without as much as a warning, Hanji pulls the blanket off of Levi where he lies on the couch. He immediately tries to take it away from them, but Hanji is, again, stronger and also much faster with their reflexes. Which makes sense, if Levi hasn’t eaten since Tuesday. Not that he knows what today is, but the way Hanji speaks makes it sound like it at least wasn’t just yesterday he had one third of a pizza before he gave up and let Hanji have the rest.
“Levi,” Hanji says, and now their voice has lost all gentleness that’s now replaced with a sharp edge, one Levi feels like he could actually cut himself on. “I get that you’re feeling sorry for yourself. That’s normal, and it’s fine to an extent. But you also have to realise three things. One: I’m not going to be your babysitter who makes sure you eat, sleep, and shit. Two: You have to get the fuck out of your funk at some point. I get that Mike banned you from coming into work until next week, but that doesn’t give you an excuse to just lie here on my couch and be a dick until then.”
“… what’s the third?”
“The third thing is that you’re acting like the world ended and Erwin died or something. He didn’t. All he did was break up with you, and I’m not saying that it isn’t significant or anything like that. But it’s not the end of the world, and if you get your shit together, you do still have a chance at getting him back. But you’ve gotta work hard for it, ‘cause you’re still nowhere near the mindset you need to be in.”
“Where should I be, then?”
Hanji rolls their eyes, laughing humourlessly. “You can’t expect me to do all of the dirty work for you. That’s something you’ve gotta figure out yourself.”
As he’d expected, Hanji is of very little help in the Erwin department. It isn’t as if Levi doesn’t want to think for himself, the main issue is that he doesn’t know where to start. Maybe the fact that they are polar opposites is finally starting to sink in and show its effects to Levi. It only took a few years, but this might just be the moment Levi realises the drawbacks to their vastly different personalities.
“Fine,” Levi relents through a mutter.
Hanji places a hand on his arm. “Congee?”
“… yeah. Thanks.”
It hurts him like hell that Erwin hasn’t even sent a message. It’s so much Erwin to care needlessly even after something like this; Levi almost wonders if Erwin doesn’t care anymore. It wasn’t that long ago that Erwin still sent Levi messages at work to make sure he’d had a proper lunch instead of a sandwich from Seven-Eleven or an onigiri from the family mart across the street from Levi’s coffee shop. Now that Levi’s been forced on a ‘vacation’ leave from work, the absence of those types of text messages is less noticeable, but the other messages and calls from Erwin are obviously also inexistent.
In all of the mess he finds himself in, Levi appreciates the hell out of Hanji’s help even though he outwardly shows annoyance whenever they force him to eat something so he won’t starve or they remind him to at least shave off that godawful stubble. He could be way worse off, couch surfing at friends’ places, friends who don’t care the way Hanji does. He could’ve been more stressed about finding his own place if he didn’t have anywhere to stay in the meantime. But now he does, despite how much Hanji dislikes to be the so-called middle-man between Levi and Erwin after their breakup.
Whenever enough energy has returned for Levi to be able to sit at a laptop and browse for apartments, he quickly finds that a lot of properties are way out of his budget. He works at a coffee shop, after all, and there’s not much to brag about in terms of his salary even if he can make very good coffee. Levi hates to settle—he doesn’t want to settle, because he wants to be happy with whatever apartment he’s going to have to call ‘home’ next. It’s going to be borderline difficult since the only definition of ‘home’ that Levi is familiar with, is wherever Erwin is.
Correction, Erwin was his home, regardless of wherever they may have lived or temporarily stayed.
He swallows a large portion of whatever pride he has left well into his second week of apartment hunting, and decides to call Petra. She doesn’t necessarily work in the business, but she has contacts like no one else Levi is friends with. Not that he has many friends to begin with, but that’s exactly why he hopes Petra can lend a helping hand. Even if she, too, much like Hanji, is torn between both Levi and Erwin in terms of taking sides. They don’t take sides, but when it comes to a breakup between their best friends, Levi knows that at both of them are struggling to stay partial.
“I don’t know,” Petra says over the line. “I can check—I have a co-worker whose uncle works in real estate.”
“I’m not interested in buying, just renting,” Levi replies.
“Right, yeah. Why not buy?”
“I don’t wanna feel bound to the apartment. I know you can sell if you wanna move, but it’s so much more hassle than just renting a place that someone else owns.”
Petra hums. “Alright. Well, I’ll talk to people and see what I can pull off. How… how are you doing?”
“I didn’t call you to talk about how I’m doing, Petra.” Please don’t ask, he thinks.
“I know, it’s just—I worry about you. And him, of course. Have you talked to Erwin since you moved out?”
“No,” he says. “I’ll inevitably have to when I go to get the rest of my stuff before moving.”
Petra lets out a sigh. “For what it’s worth… he’s not doing well either. It’s a wonder he’s able to go into work.”
“Petra, I’m going to hang up if you keep talking about this.”
“You can’t blame me for caring,” she says, and Levi hates how it sounds like Petra is on the verge of tears. “You two are too good for each other, Levi. Don’t you miss him?”
Levi drags his hand down his face, suppressing a long sigh by instead exhaling it through his nostrils. There was always that risk when calling Petra, that she would bring up Erwin and be persistent about continuing to talk about him even when Levi tells her he doesn’t want to. Of course, like the sadist he is, he does want to know how Erwin is doing, wants to know everything he can find out about Erwin just to know that he’s okay.
But Erwin isn’t okay, and there’s a sick part of Levi that feels relieved that he isn’t alone in it. Maybe Erwin still cares, after all—and if he does, maybe Levi still has a chance to make things right. Nothing has made sense since Levi left their previously shared apartment; all he wants is to be with Erwin again and make him happy. He hasn’t done a good job at that at all in far too long.
“I do,” Levi admits, jaw clenched, his free hand balled up into a fist. “Of course I do; that’s a stupid question and you know it.”
“Then what’s stopping you from talking to him?”
All he wants is for Petra to drop this so he doesn’t have to talk about or think about Erwin for just a goddamn minute. He knows that she means well but Petra also doesn’t quite know when to quit. It might not matter what Levi wants; in the end, maybe they’re just not meant to be together. What they had was good, fantastic even, and Levi doesn’t regret a single moment spent with Erwin. But he did Erwin dirty, let him down, and Levi wasn’t there for Erwin the same way Erwin was there for him. He took it all for granted, simply put, and Erwin deserves better.
“Me,” Levi says simply. “I’m the problem and I always have been. It’s unfair for me to ask him to take me back only for me to string him along like before where it’ll just end with the both of us being miserable again.”
Petra huffs on her end of the line. “Are you even listening to yourself? You’re talking as if you’re incapable of change. Or maybe it’s just that you don’t want to change?”
“Of course I do!” he almost barks. “And I’m trying to. But it’s not that easy, Petra. Shit doesn’t happen overnight, and I don’t want to force shit to change at anything but a natural pace, either. Just… just drop it. Okay? This might just be for the best. I want him to be happy.”
Now, Petra sighs. She doesn’t immediately respond, but Levi can practically see her shoulders slumping with disappointment and defeat. He seems to be pretty good at doing that to people recently: making them admit defeat because of his own shortcomings.
“I’ve never taken you for a guy who gives up like that.”
“I’m doing it for his sake,” Levi hisses. “Get off my case.”
“What about you, then? What do you want?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it matters, Levi. Stop acting like a martyr, it doesn’t suit you.”
Levi loves Petra, he really does—but she’s both way too persistent for his liking, and she always, always knows better than him in situations like these. She’s the ideal person to go to, but Levi’s pride can’t take all of these hits she’s sending his way like gut punches. It’s too much all at once, and again, while he knows that she cares, her way of dealing with change is vastly different from that of Levi.
But then again, like Hanji said, Levi isn’t a tree—he’s capable of change. He has changed, mostly thanks to Erwin. Erwin has always been who inspires Levi to change, to be a better version of himself. And he might as well continue on that line, if Erwin is who he wants to be with. He might as well try, and if Erwin still doesn’t want to give him a second chance, then Levi can at least say that he tried and gave it his all. It hurts to realise that it’s been a while since he did that, since he gave Erwin his all. It’s just one of the many things he did Erwin wrong, and Levi is determined to make up for it.
If only Erwin will let him.
His first day back at work after the forced, paid leave, Levi spends most of it trying not to punch Mike in the face. Mike hovers over Levi like a parent supervising a child handling something even remotely risky, like a pair of scissors. He’s just working, all he’s doing is making coffee, doing the dishes, making forced conversation with the customers walking in. It’s not only aggravating, but also humiliating to have his boss on his ass all day, making sure he doesn’t fuck up the way he did on the same day Mike told him to take some time off.
Everyone makes mistakes, Levi just happens to make more of those than the average person, at least when it comes to his personal life. And sometimes it apparently spills over his job.
One of the most glaringly obvious things that changed after Levi and Erwin’s breakup is that one of their most faithful regulars stopped coming in for a morning coffee and a cheddar cheese bagel. It was another one of the many things Levi apparently took for granted, that Erwin would always come in here around seven thirty in the morning, like clockwork, make conversation with Levi and whoever else he’s working with, before taking his leave when his order was ready.
She doesn’t say it at first, but Levi noticed it on the first day he was back at work after the breakup and he notices it even now. Feels Mikasa’s gaze almost burn a hole in the back of his head when he’s loading the dishwasher. He can’t blame her: it was his fault, and Mikasa has always liked Erwin, as did literally everyone else working at Café Trost. Eren has been the most vocal about it, not in an angry sense as one might’ve expected from the café’s infamous hothead associate, but he’s complained about Erwin’s absence and the lack of Erwin’s conversations to brighten up their morning.
Everyone misses Erwin, because of course they do. And Levi hates that it’s his fault that they all have to miss him in the first place.
Levi goes to a few apartment viewings in-between work and the duties he’s taken on at Hanji’s, but finds nothing that ticks off enough boxes on his list of wants and needs. They’re needs, for the most part—Levi isn’t picky when it comes to superficial things. He doesn’t need a bath tub even if one would be nice; a shower works just fine. He doesn’t need a balcony as long as there’s windows he can open to let in some fresh air. He definitely doesn’t need a walk-in closet, but if one were to come with the apartment he eventually signs a lease for, he’d probably turn the space into something else useful.
The stress over finding a new place to live, not just to get out of Hanji’s hair but also to take his stuff from Erwin’s place finally, develops a dull headache that at times thuds behind Levi’s eyes, makes his temples and forehead feel like they’re tightly screwed between the metal jaws of a vice. Levi hates to settle. He doesn’t want to, but if he wants to get this stress out of his system, he might just have to. Nothing will ever be good enough if he wants it to feel like a home and not just an apartment. Nothing will ever feel like home if Erwin isn’t there.
But maybe in time, Levi will learn to live with the consequences of his inactions, what happens when he doesn’t do the bare minimum to keep the one he loves happy. Maybe one day he’ll come to the point where he can call his new apartment a home even if Erwin Smith doesn’t take up half of said space.
By the time Hanji walks in through the door, Levi has already made dinner and set it out on the table for his host. Levi is, as is often the case these days, not in the mood to eat. But now that Hanji is here, he knows he’ll probably be forced to eat something, anyway, just to keep his miserable self alive for just a little while longer. And of course, as well as Levi knows Hanji, they do force Levi to eat, but has the audacity to call it ‘strongly encourage’. Everyone has their own, unique ways of showing love, and this is part of how Hanji does it.
While it doesn’t serve as Levi’s makeshift bed, Hanji joins Levi on the couch to watch cooking shows where most of what they do is criticise the narrator’s flat tone of voice, the way the camera films so close to the judges taste-testing the food—to the point where Levi gags and almost has to turn away because he can practically see food particles in the one judge’s moustache—and how the layout of these shows is always so predictable.
It’s fun, definitely, but the fun exists almost entirely in poking fun at what they’re watching, and not the content in and of itself.
The episode ends, and Hanji turns off the TV. They know each other so well at this point that they even know when they’re both done watching TV even without saying anything. It’s pretty nice, saves unnecessary smalltalk. Levi doesn’t mind smalltalk with those close to him for the most part, but he still likes to keep out the unnecessary stuff. And since he and Hanji work so well together, it’s all the better if they don’t have to have the awkward ‘are we going to watch something else and if so what’ conversation.
“Erwin and I used to watch these sorts of things all the time in college,” Hanji says. “He used it as inspiration for cooking, though; not like you and I who watch just to make fun of it.”
Levi hums. “Uh-huh.”
“Still a sore subject?”
He frowns down at his kneecaps, pulling his knees in tighter between his arms. “Not really. He’s your friend, you can talk about him however much you want.”
Levi doesn’t have to look up to feel Hanji’s gaze on him. It’s not like how Mike was watching Levi his entire first day back at work, and it’s not like when Mikasa was glaring daggers at him probably thinking he didn’t notice. Hanji’s gaze is rarely judging, but mostly full of pity when it comes to stuff like this. And Levi doesn’t need nor want to see it for himself if he already knows what’s there in the first place. The message still comes across.
“But you’d prefer if we didn’t.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You’re like a wounded animal, you know that?”
Levi can’t help but look up now, and he gives Hanji a look. “Am I supposed to know what you mean by that?”
“Animals that have been wounded tend to hide to lick their wounds and suffer alone.” Hanji draws Levi close, placing his head against their chest. Levi immediately tries to get away, but he’s foolish to think that he can get out of Hanji’s embrace. It rarely works. “You know… crying isn’t a sign of weakness. You aren’t weak, Levi.”
“I’ve never said that I am.”
“But you think that showing emotions is what makes you look weak. I know you. You’re very similar to him in that regard, but Erwin at least does let himself crumble every once in a while, whereas you don’t.”
Levi shoves the blanket off him. “You’re not my fucking therapist, Hanji.”
“I’m not,” they agree, “I’m just looking out for you because I love and care for you. Stop baring your fangs at the very notion of someone giving a damn about you.”
“I’m not, I just—”
Hanji reaches their arms out to pull Levi towards them in an embrace. Levi, in turn, begins trying to squirm his way out, but as is often the case, this isn’t a battle he can win. Hanji places a hand at the back of Levi’s head, directing it to lay against their chest, and they exhale slowly.
“I think you should meet up and talk to him. At the very least clear the air between you if you decide that you’re better off not being together. It’ll be better for you both if you do.”
Levi clenches his jaw. “I’m only going to contact him when I want the rest of my stuff.”
“Why?”
“It’s unnecessary. He won’t want to talk.”
“You don’t know that,” Hanji says. “You’re scared, I get it. But you won’t get him back by being passive about it and hoping for the best. Hope doesn’t help you.”
Levi scoffs quietly. “I know.”
Hanji cards their fingers through Levi’s hair, resting their chin atop his head and letting out a quiet sigh. Levi expects them to say something else, but nothing comes. Instead, Levi is forced to mull over Hanji’s words, hell—even over Petra’s words, and he thinks about how much he really fucking misses Erwin. It was never supposed to end that way, Levi should have done more to prevent it from happening.
He doesn’t want to give himself too much hope, because like Hanji says, hope won’t do him any good. But he knows Erwin, clearly better than vice versa, and he knows that Erwin loves him. He could tell even as Erwin suggested that they go their separate ways. Levi just hates that it took a breakup for him to see these things clearly, that he couldn’t realise it while he still had Erwin. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say.
Levi’s exhale is a shaky one, and the next time he inhales, he feels tears prick at his eyes. He clenches his fists, feeling like he shrinks in Hanji’s embrace. They’re too kind to him, even when being direct, honest, holding back on the sugar when laying out the truth for Levi. Hanji only spells it out for him this way because they know that’s how Levi prefers it, and he deserves to hear it like it is. Not covered in tonnes and tonnes of layers of sugar where it’s almost depicted as something else. Almost as if none of this was ever Levi’s fault, when the truth is that most of it is Levi’s fault.
“I want to talk to him,” Levi whispers. “But I’m terrified of fucking up again.”
Hanji’s embrace tightens ever so slightly, but otherwise, nothing about it changes. “At least try? You won’t know unless you do. And Erwin isn’t cold-hearted, he won’t turn you away if you don’t get your point across the way you want to the first time, you know that. Give him a little more credit. Just reach out. It’s been weeks since you last spoke, I’m sure he won’t mind. In fact, and I’m speaking from experience of having known you both for as long as I have, I know he’ll appreciate you taking the initiative.”
Levi nods. “I’m gonna… talk to him. Try to.”
“And if at first you don’t succeed…” Hanji says, almost in a sing-song-y voice. Levi snorts, rolling his eyes.
“Don’t…” he pauses to sniffle, “… don’t push it, four-eyes.”
His finger hovers over the phone icon next to Erwin’s name in his call history. Levi chews on his lower lip, wonders to himself if maybe a phone call is a bit too direct—maybe he should at least start out with a text message. That seems like the better way to ease the conversation into ‘I want to meet up and talk to you’ territory. As well as Levi may know Erwin, he still doesn’t know if Erwin would ever want them to get back together. Still loving and missing someone—if Erwin even does—is not always the same thing as wanting someone back. Erwin should put himself and his needs first, and if he’s better off without Levi in his life, then so be it.
But again, Levi won’t know unless he tries. And while he didn’t want to finish Hanji’s sentence that night, he does know that he has to try again if his first attempt isn’t successful. As long as Erwin doesn’t flat-out tell him that Levi should give up, then he won’t.
[You: hey, erwin. i was wondering if]
Delete.
[You: hey. can we talk? can i at least call you?]
Delete.
[You: i really fucking miss you and]
Delete. Delete. Delete.
Levi rakes his fingers through his hair with an exasperated sigh before leaning back to stare up at the ceiling. He’s never been good with words. What was it that Erwin saw in him, again? He’s got a short fuse, he’s foul-mouthed like none other, doesn’t know how to communicate, forgets how to make compromises, neglects people near and dear to him… the list goes on. None of it is anything to brag about, like the very opposite of a resumé you show off to a potential employer. Despite his list of awful drawbacks, Erwin still chose Levi somehow. Erwin still fell for him, spent so many years with him.
Trying to compose a completely normal text message to an ex-boyfriend about meeting up to attempt getting a second chance is entirely impossible, Levi finds after having deleted roughly twenty halfway composed messages that didn’t work for many reasons. Levi may be a perfectionist to his own detriment, but in some cases it can be objectively bad. Like his ability to put his thoughts into words, especially when he isn’t using his mouth to convey them.
… maybe he’ll have to resort to calling Erwin, after all.
Levi exits his messaging app, never before happier to close an application on his phone, and he goes back to his recent calls instead. Once again, his finger hovers with frustrating hesitation over Erwin’s name, but at least this time Levi knows that the other option doesn’t work. Well, there is a third option, but it’s pretty much guaranteed to give Levi bad results, which involves going straight to Erwin’s, ringing the doorbell, and confronting Erwin in person when he most definitely isn’t expecting his ex on his doorstep.
… clearly, that isn’t an option if Levi wants to have a chance at salvaging what he may have possibly damaged beyond repair.
Finally, after an eternity of dilly-dallying uncharacteristically, Levi lets out a frustrated huff before he rips off the band-aid and calls Erwin. The more he prolongs this, the longer he’ll have to wait for a resolution, whatever kind it may be. The sooner it’s over, the sooner Levi can move on, either with or without Erwin. As it stands, Levi can’t move on, because he still thinks that he and Erwin can do better, that Levi himself can do better, and that this can’t be it for them. There’s definitely more in store for them if Levi just plays his cards right.
The signals that go through make time feel like it’s slowed down to a crawl, as if everything around Levi—maybe even he himself—is moving in slow-motion. Part of him wants to chicken out, wants to hang up and pretend like his finger slipped if Erwin were to inquire. If he were to. But he doesn’t, mostly because a bigger part of him just wants to get this out of the way, no matter how terrifying it is. Levi doesn’t even know if he’s mentally prepared to hear Erwin’s voice after what feels like an eternity of not having heard it, nor even seen Erwin anywhere around town.
“Levi?”
And just like that, Levi’s heart stops beating. He sucks in a quiet breath, and for the longest few seconds, speaking is the most difficult thing he’s ever done. His brain keeps yelling at him to just open his mouth and let words out like normal human beings do when they communicate verbally, but it feels easier said than done. At last, after those agonisingly long seconds of silence, Levi manages to open his mouth, and so he speaks.
“Hey,” he says lamely. “I… know it’s weird of me to call. Maybe presumptuous, to think that I can just… call you out of the blue these days. But I wanted to… I—well, I want to talk. To you. In person, if possible.”
While he was able to get words out past his lips, it did feel pretty much like how Levi imagines swallowing sand feels. Like a million sharp little particles scratch and stab his throat on the way out of his mouth and come out a bloodied mess. Considering how that went, Levi almost goes the pessimistic route and expects the worst. At least that way he wouldn’t have to be disappointed, but maybe there’s something to what his friends have tried to not-so-gently whack into him over the last couple of weeks—keep a bit of optimism and hope but stay realistic.
Is it realistic that Erwin might want Levi back? As odd as it sounds to his own ears, it is. Is it possible? That’s another issue entirely.
Levi only focuses and listens to his own breathing while he waits for Erwin’s response. It’s probably only a matter of two or three seconds that pass, but it certainly feels a lot longer than that.
“We can do that,” Erwin says, and Levi’s heart jolts in his chest. “When are you available?”
Anytime, is what he wants to say but doesn’t, to preserve at least some of his pride and dignity, and to not sound like he is available at all times. He does have a job, after all, so that statement wouldn’t technically be correct, anyway. Although, Levi would probably not hesitate to call in sick to work if it was the only day he and Erwin could meet up, so the work excuse isn’t an airtight one.
“Weekends, mostly. But weekday evenings are fine, too.”
Erwin hums pensively. “How about Wednesday? I can pick you up after work; should be done a little earlier than you, so I’ll be there when you finish.”
Levi shouldn’t feel anything about the fact that Erwin still remembers his schedule, but his heart has always worked independently of his brain. “That sounds good. I’ll, uh… see you on Wednesday.” He almost hangs up before he mentally slaps his cheeks. “Hey… thanks.”
“Sure,” Erwin says, and that becomes the end of their phone call, save for the parting phrases.
Levi hangs up, and stares at the display on his phone with disbelief and a sense of surrealism. Then reality catches up with him, and it dawns on him that today is Monday, which means Wednesday is merely two days from now. Whether or not he’ll have enough time to prepare himself for whatever may happen on Wednesday is still up in the air, but considering all of the damn time he’s had in these past few weeks—forced upon him by Mike making him take time off work, and Levi willingly doing some soul-searching—he’d say he’s lucky to have had as much time and preparation for this as he has.
He doesn’t tell Hanji about his phone call with Erwin, because it’s just going to make Hanji possibly unnecessarily excited for something that might not even happen. He’d rather tell them afterwards when there’s nothing to be excited about, if worse comes to worse.
Levi hates getting hung up on details. Like the fact that Erwin did remember his work schedule, or the fact that Erwin chooses to wait out in the car for Levi instead of coming in and greeting everyone. Like he used to before they broke up. Levi almost wants to say something about it, because in or around the coffee shop, it’s not just about Levi—it’s about everyone else Erwin befriended while he was still frequenting the shop. And then he just stopped coming, which is understandable in a way, but then again, he did make friends there he could at least drop in to say hi to.
But Levi pushes the thought aside, knowing Erwin probably has his reasons even if Levi won’t understand them. Sometimes that’s just going to happen—they won’t understand everything about each other, and that’s fine as long as they can move past it.
Maybe this is what Levi had needed to realise all along. Even if their relationship seemed perfect on the surface, there were miniscule things that bothered him that, if he’d only accepted the fact that he won’t ever love a hundred percent of Erwin and his quirks, habits, way of thinking, and the like—then maybe things wouldn’t have had to happen the way they did. Then maybe Erwin wouldn’t feel like he’s carrying the relationship all by himself.
That’s probably what compromises are all about.
“Hi,” Erwin says when Levi opens the passenger door. “How was your day?”
Levi holds back a salty comment about Erwin making smalltalk as if they don’t have what feels like a lifetime of history between them encompassing so many things that neither of them will ever experience with anyone else. It could be a good way for them to start over, after all. Change of perspective, Levi tells himself.
Seeing Erwin again makes Levi feel a thousand things all at once. He’s relieved, he’s upset, angry, confused, hopeful, despondent. Erwin has absolutely seen better days: he hasn’t shaved in at least a week judging by the long stubble, his hair is longer—not quite as long as Levi’s has gotten in the time they were apart, but noticeable still for someone like Erwin—he may even have lost some weight, if his slightly hollowed out cheeks and more pronounced cheekbones are anything to go by.
“It was fine, the usual,” Levi says, forcing himself back to the present. “How was yours?”
“Mine was pretty good. I met up with Nile and Marie for lunch—haven’t seen Marie in ages.”
Levi thinks back to the last time he met Nile, and that was anything but a pleasant experience. As is literally every interaction and meeting between them, and at this point, Levi doesn’t even remember what made him dislike Nile in the first place. Nowadays Nile is just overall unpleasant what with his overly aggressive behaviour that comes out as soon as Levi just breathes in his vicinity, and of course, if Levi is met with hostility, he isn’t going to be courteous in return.
It may have just turned into a vicious cycle of neither of them giving each other the benefit of the doubt or possessing the desire to bury the hatchet, but Levi also doesn’t see the need to be friends with Nile since he’s not exactly missing out on any friends. He’s got plenty of those already, plenty that he gets along with and cares for a great deal.
“I see,” he says when Erwin starts the engine. “That’s nice.”
Erwin laughs. “I know you don’t get along well with Nile. You don’t have to make an effort.”
“Alright,” Levi says, shrugging, “then I won’t.”
“What do you say we have dinner at my place? If you don’t mind my cooking.”
Levi frowns to himself as he looks out the window. He’s never ‘minded’ Erwin’s cooking because it’s always been perfect. Is Erwin just being modest? Levi hopes that’s all this is, that he isn’t trying to act like they haven’t known each other forever. It’s not like Erwin to treat his exes like strangers, Levi should know, since Erwin is still good friends with at least one of his exes. Why would Levi be any different if some of Erwin’s past breakups have been worse?
“I don’t ‘mind’ it,” Levi says. “I like your cooking.”
Erwin chuckles. “That’s decided, then.”
It feels strange, like an out-of-body experience, to walk through the grocery store with Erwin, as his ex. Levi finds that he doesn’t know how to behave around Erwin now, the first time they meet since the breakup. Levi has never been big on publicly displaying affection, even if Erwin didn’t mind showing people around them that Levi was his, never minded pulling Levi to his side to press a kiss to Levi’s temple—much to Levi’s chagrin, no matter how many times it happened. But right now, all Levi wants to do is to take Erwin’s hand in his just to gauge how much of a chance he’s got at being with Erwin once more.
Levi is instructed to sit by Erwin’s kitchen table when they get back, while Erwin busies himself with food prep and talking to Levi. He seems to be handling this situation pretty well, again, as if they didn’t break up or as if they never even dated at all. Levi can usually tell what’s going on in Erwin’s head, but this Erwin is a mystery to him, and it makes him almost anxious. Has he really been away from Erwin that long, that Levi now can’t read Erwin like he used to? Or did Erwin simply change this much in the time they were apart to the point where Erwin is basically just an acquaintance to Levi now?
“I heard that Mike sent you home from work a few weeks ago,” comes Erwin’s voice to pull Levi out of his thoughts. When Levi looks at him, Erwin smiles apologetically. “Hanji told me.”
“’Course they did,” Levi mutters. “Well, it’s true. I fucked up at work, and Mike sent me home for two weeks.”
“I see.”
What about you? Did the breakup not affect you at all, at least to the point where work was more difficult? What are you thinking, Erwin? Do you still love me, or did you turn into a callous fucking prick? Is this my fault?
Levi chews on the inside of his cheek, internally scolding himself for all of these thoughts intruding his mind like uninvited guests. He lowers his eyebrows and clenches a fist under the table. This was never going to be easy and Levi knew it even before he even saw Erwin in the car outside his coffee shop, but actually being here and actively living through his first time spent with Erwin in almost two months is a lot harder than he could’ve ever expected. And yet, Erwin acts like this isn’t a big deal, which Levi finds highly insulting and hurtful.
Erwin sets down their bowls of pasta on the table, and then their conversation continues over dinner and a bottle of red wine that Levi recognises from their—from Erwin’s wine rack that’s been there for a while. Levi was never as much of a wine enthusiast in comparison to Erwin; he likes it, sure, but his interest in wine isn’t a passion like Erwin’s is. Levi still enjoyed their trips to Spain and France that were somewhat focused around wine. Mostly, Levi just enjoyed it for the whole experience, and to get to see that passion of Erwin’s, to see his excitement over something he considers a hobby.
He wants that again, so badly it almost makes Levi’s heart ache for it.
“Let me help,” Levi insists after dinner when Erwin gets up to pick their empty bowls off the table. “Even if I’m just a guest.”
Levi doesn’t miss the way Erwin winces at that response, and he immediately feels bad for his wording. He doesn’t mean for it to come off as accusatory, it’s just him merely stating a fact and making an argument as to why Erwin should let him help with the dishes. Levi’s habit still comes out full force, where he unintentionally hurts people with little to no effort. He sighs, and takes a step towards Erwin.
“I didn’t mean for it to sound that way,” he says, hoping that it comes off as apologetic as he intends. “I just… feel awful for letting you take on everything while I sit back and passively watch.”
Erwin puts the bowls back down on the table, and he lets out a very quiet, soft chuckle. “Why do I get the feeling that this isn’t just about doing the dishes?”
“Because it isn’t,” Levi says. He dares himself to take a hold of Erwin’s wrist, prompting Erwin to look his way no matter how much Levi himself wants to avert his gaze. “Erwin, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I took you for granted, that I didn’t compromise with you or listen to you whenever you voiced a need or a wish. I never meant to hurt you.”
“I know, Levi,” Erwin says, and he exhales a quiet sigh that Levi hopes he shouldn’t interpret as one of resignation. “Everyone makes mistakes; I didn’t always do right by you, either. But we both needed time apart, maybe temporarily, or maybe we’d come to realise that we’re better off going down separate paths.”
Levi feels like he’s swallowing sand again when he attempts speaking, asking the question that he needs to ask no matter how it may make him sound. He wants to be able to show all sides of himself to Erwin, even the vulnerable moments. “And what did you decide? Have you decided?”
Erwin shakes his head with a little smile gracing his lips. “Nothing can’t really change the way I feel about you, Levi. I’m always going to love you no matter what I do.”
“What… does that mean?”
Levi feels sick to his stomach, and he wants to walk away right now because he’s not sure he wants to hear what Erwin has to say next. It sounds final, like Erwin has just accepted the fact that he’ll always love Levi, but he can’t be with Levi. Those don’t have to be synonymous, and in this one instance, Levi hates that fact.
“It means that my life doesn’t make sense without you.” Erwin laughs humourlessly, pointing at himself with the index finger on his free hand. “Look at me, Levi. Does it look like I’ve enjoyed being apart from you?”
Levi loosens his grip on Erwin’s wrist. “You do look like hell.”
“I could say the same for you.”
“Yeah, well,” Levi scoffs. “I deserved that.”
Erwin frowns. “What makes you say that?”
“You’re definitely aware, not only because you’re the one who suggested we’d break up. I haven’t treated you with the respect you deserve—I see that now. I took you for granted. I… am really fucking bad at showing and talking about feelings, but I want to get better at it. I suck at communicating, but I want to better at that, too.”
“I would say that you’re already well on your way,” Erwin replies. “Sounds to me like you’ve done a lot of thinking these past few weeks.”
Levi rolls his eyes. “I could barely do anything but, even if I didn’t want to. I did, though, ‘cause I think I can do better by you if you’ll let me.”
Erwin gently wriggles out of Levi’s grip just to lace their fingers together instead. “In return, I’ll do better at voicing my own thoughts and feelings. I promise you that, Levi.”
Levi inhales a trembling breath. He doesn’t feel like he has any right to say anything to Erwin promising him effort and patience, not at all like the other way around where Erwin definitely has all the right to decide if Levi’s effort is worth it, in the end. But Erwin has already said that it is, and all that’s left is, somehow, Levi returning the favour. And nothing has ever been more simple for him to decide.
So he steps forward into Erwin’s waiting embrace, hugging the love of his life back and hoping that he can convey all that he’s currently feeling—at least for now. Actions will always speak louder than words, but words will certainly help carry said actions across and give them more weight, especially for people like Levi who were never good at verbal communication to begin with. But Levi makes it a goal of his to stop using that as an excuse and rather as a motivation to get better at voicing his thoughts, intentions, and feelings out loud.
If it’s Erwin, Levi will do anything. And now he feels more confident than ever that Erwin will do the same for him.
They say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone, and that you also don’t know how much you could miss something or someone until they aren’t around in the same way anymore. Levi is experiencing that at full-force with Erwin, and he realise how touch-starved he’s been since their breakup. He can’t get enough of Erwin’s kisses all over him: his face, his collarbones, his shoulders, chest, torso, the insides of his thighs. He also can’t get enough of Erwin’s hands: delicate, deft fingers caressing the skin they come across as if handling something fragile. Except not quite, it doesn’t feel like Erwin thinks Levi is fragile, but someone to be cherished and treasured.
And all Levi can do is hope that he can return these feelings and gestures in full and then some.
Erwin pushes into Levi with a sense of urgency not measured by the force used but in his emotions displayed on his face and in the way he handles Levi. It feels like he’s afraid that this might all be a dream and that he has to make sure that it lasts, that neither of them forget this moment come morning. But Levi knows he won’t, and he reassures Erwin with a hand on his cheek and a kiss against his lips that Levi will always be here if Erwin wants him to. And if there’s at least one thing Levi gleans from Erwin’s gestures, whispered words of affirmation and affection, and his movements—it is that Erwin does want him.
Levi wraps his legs around Erwin’s middle, prompting them both to gasp as Erwin sinks deeper inside Levi as a result. “I love you,” Levi says. “And I’m so thankful to you. Thankful for you.”
“Levi,” Erwin sighs. “You are my reason for living; you always have been.”
Unable to coherently respond verbally due to the wave of emotions crashing over him, Levi elects to kiss Erwin instead, conveying his emotions in a way that he’s more familiar with—for now. Words will come in time—for now, Levi makes sure that his actions speak for him the way he one day hopes he can put into words as well.
“This is going to sound terribly selfish of me,” Erwin says. “But I was kind of hoping that it would take you a while to find a new place.”
Levi snorts. He lazily traces the tip of his finger along Erwin’s chest, letting himself enjoy the sound of Erwin’s steady heartbeat. “None of the ones I looked at or could’ve looked at would’ve been good enough, anyway.”
“Why’s that?”
In the past, Levi would’ve kicked Erwin in the shin and told him to figure it out himself. But their breakup told and taught Levi more than a few things, forced him to swallow a few hard pills. One of those is that it’s always better that he says what he thinks and means when prompted for a clarification rather than expecting Erwin to figure it out. Erwin isn’t an idiot by any means, far from it—but it’s the principle of expecting Erwin to understand when it shouldn’t always be a guarantee that he does.
It's embarrassing, mortifying, to lay his thoughts, feelings, and emotions out bare like this. But Levi does so anyway, because he wants it to become something that eventually comes naturally to him. He’ll never be a sap quite like Erwin, but at least Levi can learn how to convey things better using words rather than vague hand gestures and facial expressions.
“Because it wouldn’t be home if you weren’t there,” he says despite himself, and Erwin pulls Levi tighter into his embrace.
“This hasn’t felt like home since you left, either. Hey… look at me?”
Levi briefly frowns to himself in confusion before he moves up to look at Erwin properly as asked to. Erwin’s clear blue eyes often feel like they see right into Levi’s soul, not in an intimidating or intrusive way, but in the way that Erwin sees Levi for who he is and not who he was or could be. So rather than making Levi feel uncomfortable, it’s made him feel seen, and he’s always, despite his other ways of neglecting Erwin until now, been something that Levi has appreciated.
“I want you to move in with me, again,” Erwin continues. “And we’ll do things right this time.”
“What if we don’t?”
Erwin smiles. “That’s easy: we try again. I’m not willing to give up on you unless you tell me to.”
Since Levi thinks the exact same thing about Erwin, he has no right nor desire to tell Erwin to give up on him. “Okay,” he says. “I like that plan. And yes, I’ll move in with you again.”
“Good,” Erwin says, actually sounding relieved in the way he exhales afterward. “Good thing you didn’t move more than just a few things out of here, then.”
Levi lets out a soft laugh, laying his head back down on Erwin’s chest. “Indeed.”
*