Chapter Text
“Did he tell you?”
Jake stills. “What?”
“That he was going to break up with me, I mean.”
“Oh, no. No, he didn’t tell me that.”
“Oh.” Heeseung’s eyes were red-rimmed. It was pretty much obvious that he’d been crying. “He tells you everything, though.”
“Yeah, well. Not this, apparently.” Jake felt a wave of nausea hit him. Heeseung really loved his hyung.
Not for the first time, Jake wondered if anyone would ever feel that way about him.
Jake Sim had always known that he had a penchant for liking boys. Sure, he liked both girls and boys, but girls had never been the one to make his heart nearly beat out of his chest in an overwhelming wave of affection.
For him, it had always been boys; boys and their boyish charm and boyish grins that made his head pound from the blood rush, and from the sheer exhilaration of liking someone he wasn’t allowed to, not when he was born to a family of devout christians. (his parents weren’t, really, but his grandparents were crazy religious.)
It was honestly ironic, considering that Jake and his two older brothers were all attracted to men.
When Jake was twelve, he wrote his first love letter:
It was a letter that was filled with all the whining and pining you’d expect from a seventh grader, and it was addressed to Jake’s first real boy crush (excluding Daniel Radcliffe in Harry Potter!), Choi Yeonjun. Yeonjun was three years Jake’s senior, and he was the only openly pansexual soccer player in Jake’s team.
In hindsight, Jake had probably admired Yeonjun more than liking him as a crush per se, but that didn’t mean that the feelings he had felt back then didn’t cause his head to spin, and his pulse to pick up at the sight of him. Not only was Yeonjun good looking, but he held his own well both on the field and in daily life, and Jake found himself harbouring his first crush.
It was nothing big, and faded in a few months after Yeonjun had to take a break from soccer due to an ankle injury, but it was a milestone in his life all the same. So Jake wrote a letter to commemorate his juvenile feelings for someone that he never saw again since their junior high school graduation, but would always remember.
The second letter he wrote was addressed to Huening Kai. Jake met Kai at a debate competition that his school hosted with a partnering school. The first thing Jake noticed was Kai’s face. His extremely attractive face.
Although that might’ve been shallow, it didn’t stop fourteen year old Jake who had been going through the woes of puberty from developing a quick crush on the opposing team’s member. Forbidden love and all that. Honestly, Jake had been pretty sure Kai noticed him too, considering the sly looks they’d been sending each other the whole afternoon. In fact, he’d seen Kai try to approach him multiple times but ultimately failing due to his own teammates stopping him.
But then Kai opened his also extremely attractive mouth and spoke, and his team won instead of Jake’s. And that was that. Jake’s competitiveness didn’t allow him to harbour feelings for Kai any longer, not when his own team had been so cruelly beaten to the ground because of him. Jake went home, wrote a letter addressed to Kai, and kept it along with his first one.
The third letter was dedicated to Park Jongseong, or Jay, in the same year that he had met Kai previously before. A few months after Jake’s debate competition, his family had to move back to Seoul from Brisbane due to his dad’s new job. Being a new student and all that, Jake had his reservations when attending a new school in such a foreign environment, until he met his seatmate.
He had fallen for Jay almost immediately after realising that they could communicate in English instead of in Jake’s broken Korean, and when Jay enthusiastically suggested that he could show Jake around school, that sealed the deal. Jake learnt a lot about Jay, and about how Jay had to be in the same grade as Jake despite being two years older because of the curriculum difference in America. Jake thought that Jay was perfect for him.
Or, well, until Jake invited Jay to his house after school and Jay met one of his older brothers, Jungwon. Any idiot could tell that Jay was in love at first sight. Honestly, Jake didn’t mind that much, considering that his crush hadn’t been thoroughly solidified yet. So he dedicated his time to helping his new best friend Jay pursue Jungwon, who eventually relented after a gruelling year. (and they’re still happily together now that Jake’s 17!) Really, Jake only wrote a letter because of how funny the situation was to him.
The fourth letter was also written in the very same year of Kai and Jay, and it had been written to Park Sunghoon. Park Sunghoon was—for lack of a better description—by far the most intense crush that Jake had ever experienced in his fourteen years of living. (which is admittedly not a lot, but enough.) Jake had met Sunghoon because he happened to be in Jay’s circle of friends, and since Jay had unofficially adopted Jake, that meant the same for his friend group as well. Sunghoon was reserved; even more reserved than Jake who had just transferred from a totally different continent, and Jake took it upon himself to make Sunghoon open up to him in any way he could. The task was easier said than done, though, but Jake would not give up. How was it possible that he could get along with all of Jay’s friends except Sunghoon!
The very first time Jake realised he had a crush on Sunghoon was when he and his new friends were gathered in Jay’s backyard, in his treehouse, playing spin the bottle. It was him, Jay, Sunghoon, and four others. Namely, Jang Wonyoung, Kim Jiwon (but she went by Liz now), Kim Gaeul, and Kang Taehyun.
Out of all of them, Jake had managed to form a unique connection with Wonyoung the most. Nothing romantic of course, but he found that she understood him the most, likely due to her empathetic nature. She never let him feel left out even though he was just an outsider, and Jake found himself being eternally grateful for her friendship and kindness. She was like the sister he’d never had. (his family had a tendency of producing only boys. it was the genes.)
There was, however, one teensy tiny problem.
Wonyoung also had a crush on Sunghoon.
Since Jake was unaware of his own crush back then, he simply acknowledged this as a fact, and when the bottle Sunghoon spun pointed directly at him, the first thing he did was to turn to Wonyoung hesitantly as if asking for her permission.
She avoided his gaze completely, and he reckoned that it must’ve been because she didn’t want her crush to be found out by anyone. Feeling guilty and panicked that he could’ve accidentally exposed a secret of his new friend’s, Jake crawled in front of Sunghoon in a frenzy and kissed him straight on the lips without warning.
It was awkward and lasted three seconds at best from the shock of both of them, and when Jake pulled away and saw the telltale blush on Sunghoon’s alabaster skin, he suddenly realised what he had done.
With his heart beating wildly, Jake immediately crawled back to his seat, ignoring the hooting of the others, even though he could practically feel Wonyoung’s glare on the side of his face. To say that Jake felt bad would be an understatement. And the fact that he liked the kiss made him feel so much worse.
When they finally ended the game, everyone left to go home before their curfew except for Jake, who always stayed back with Jay to clean up. Surprisingly, Jay told Jake that Sunghoon had apparently told him that he would help to clean as well. The cleanup was awkward and tense, and after a torturous five minutes of silence, Jay finally spoke up.
“That’s it. I can’t take all this tension between you two anymore. Just kiss and make up! Again!” He grunted, before throwing his broom onto the floor of the treehouse and climbing down the ladder.
Jake was mortified.
“I’m so sorry, Sunghoon! Please ignore Jay. And about just now… I’m so sorry for kissing you so abruptly—“
“Jaeyun. It’s fine. I liked it.”
Jake felt hot all over at the use of his Korean name instead of Jake. He hasn’t even told it to Sunghoon before! (And people usually found it weird that he even had one anyway, but it was really because he managed to fit in better with the crowd in Brisbane as compared to his brothers, and so he decided to adopt a second name so that it would be easier for his Australian friends.)
“I know, and I’m sorry— Wait. What?”
At the way Sunghoon’s cheeks were tinted a pale pink, Jake didn’t think he had misheard him either. The Park Sunghoon didn’t mind being kissed by Jake? And he even liked it too? Jake couldn’t believe his ears!
“O-oh! I really liked it too, Sunghoon…” Jake said, avoiding eye contact at all costs. “I-I mean, you’re my first kiss,”
Oh, God!
Did he really just say that? Now Sunghoon was gonna know how big of a loser he was! But when Jake shyly glanced over at Sunghoon, the other was simply picking up sweet wrappers from the ground with a barely there trace of a grin on his face.
Jake never knew that Sunghoon had dimples, but it only made him all the more endearing, and for the nth time that day, Jake could feel his heartbeat picking up. And when Jay finally returned to spy on the both of them once again, he was met with the sight of two boys with flushed faces and hidden smiles.
The reality, however, was much more cruel.
It seemed that after that fateful day, Sunghoon never approached Jake again, even going to the extent of avoiding Jay as well. Their friend group was split cleanly in two, with one half of Jay and Jake, and then the others. Jake knew that Wonyoung had been upset because of the kiss, and he tried to talk to her about it multiple times only to be met with either hostile dismissals or total avoidance. When their friendgroup had broken apart, Wonyoung and Sunghoon had joined different crowds, but they both ended up gaining popularity for their good looks and statuses, and even more so when they started dating.
It really hurt Jake that he had lost the friends he found a home in, especially Sunghoon, who he really thought he had gotten to open up even a little. He wondered if Sunghoon had been weirded out by him. But most of all, it hurt Jake that Jay was even more hurt by this than he was. And he felt guilty, too. After all, Jay hadn’t done anything wrong.
By the end of Jake’s sophomore year, Sunghoon and Wonyoung had begun a relationship together, and with the last traces of their friendships disappearing with time, the same could be said for Jake’s feelings. Although they fought a lot and kept breaking up repeatedly, they seemed to always find their way back to each other. Jake thought that they were a match made in heaven. At the peak of his pent up frustration owing to the loss of Sunghoon and Wonyoung, Jake had written a letter to Sunghoon, pouring out his feelings without reservations. The letter was then locked alongside the first three.
Jake’s last letter was written the latest, but the object of its affections was one of the earliest. When Jake’s family had first moved to Seoul, they were warmly welcomed by their neighbours, a small family consisting of Mr and Mrs Lee, and their son Lee Heeseung.
Heeseung was older than Jake by two years, and the same age as Jake’s older brothers. During Jake’s first year in Seoul, Heeseung was the one who had taken it upon himself to teach Jake Korean words that he was confused about with an endless amount of patience. He took care of Jake as if Jake was part of his own family, and always invited Jake and his brothers to have dinner over at his house. Not to mention that he was multi-talented in numerous aspects, being one of the more popular kids in school, what with his strikingly good looks as well.
Jake’s feelings for Heeseung were slow but steady, developing as the years went by and never dissipating because of their close proximity. Even now, Heeseung still attended Jake’s high school, not as a student, but through an internship he had gotten as a teaching assistant. His college was not far from their neighbourhood, and he was often able to travel back and forth for both the internship and to visit his own family, as well as Jake’s. Heeseung was just sweet like that.
One day, when Jake had been on his way home, and as he rounded the corner of his house, he heard fervent whispering coming from the direction of his backyard. His curiosity led him to peek around the walls of the house to see what was going on. Only, he wished he hadn’t. He was greeted with the sight of his other older brother, Sunoo, and Heeseung in a heated conversation.
At first, Jake had believed that they were in a fight, and was confused because of how close they were, but it was only when Heeseung pulled Sunoo into a kiss did he finally grasp the full gist of what had been going on.
Jake watched as Sunoo pushed Heeseung away, but the way his hand subconsciously curled around Heeseung’s arm told a different story from his actions. “Hee, we can’t be together. My dad would kill us. It would never work out, please just leave,”
“No, Sunoo. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Whatever happens, I’m willing to go through it together with you. I swear, Sunoo,” Heeseung said, wiping Sunoo’s tears away with a woeful expression on his face, as if Sunoo’s pain physically pained Heeseung as well. Perhaps they were just that connected.
Jake suddenly felt as if he was intruding in a moment that was too private and tender for others to be watching, and with a heavy heart, he entered the house.
And when Sunoo told Jake and his brothers about he and Heeseung’s relationship a few days later, Jake had only smiled and congratulated him.
He had never been jealous of any of his brothers in his life, but for the first time, Jake wished that he was his Sunoo-hyung. But that’s not to say that he wasn’t happy seeing Sunoo happy, because seeing his brothers happy was basically Jake’s only achievement in life. It was just that he knew he’d always have a soft spot for Heeseung, but he knew that Heeseung would never look at him that way. He knew that no one would.
If Heeseung was Jake’s world, then Sunoo was Heeseung’s universe. It was incomparable; just as much as Heeseung was unattainable for someone like Jake.
So, Jake wrote once again. This was likely the longest letter by far, exceeding Sunghoon’s letter by a few lines. He spilled all of his emotions into it, all of the heartache and want that he had felt over the years, believing that it would help him feel better. And it had. And the last letter Jake wrote was placed neatly above the pile of four once again.
But then Sunoo had broken up with Heeseung right before he left for university; something that had shocked everyone to the core. No one had expected it, and neither had Sunoo confided in anyone before making his choice.
By the time Heeseung was knocking on the door of Jake’s house, breathless and panicked, Sunoo had already left.
There was nothing else Jake could do but listen to Heeseung, who was evidently pained by the prospect of being separated from the one person he had spent years loving.
And while he did, Jake continued to lock away his feelings for Heeseung just as he had locked away everything else in that little box, hidden in the depths of his closet and his heart.