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Saki-chan’s condition has worsened, I’m afraid, the doctor quietly speaks to my parents outside the hospital room. She will need to stay here for at least a week longer, Tenma-san.
Will she be okay, doctor? She’s only eight, my mother asks, a voice so sweet, decorated with fear, and I want to cover my ears.
She should be, Tenma-san. The bill is…
Saki, what do you want to do when you get better? Onii-chan asked me, stealing my attention away from the conversation the adults are having. I stare at him, dumbfounded. That’s never going to happen. I don’t tell him that.
I want to play the piano with you, I say. It’s the truth. I want to go home and play Für Elise on our old grand piano, giggling as my and oniichan’s hands hit each other as we play in unison.
That’s it? Why not travel the world or something like that?
I’m fine with anything as long as it’s with you, I tell him.
I don’t tell him my selfish wishes: I want to change my hairstyle, maybe a bit more frizzy or even straighten it out, to lay on the grass and gaze the stars with my friends, to learn how to bake, so I can one day try to repay everyone who’s ever stayed by my side.
I already take and take and take so much from everyone, after all.
-
I’m definitely gonna make you better, Saki! Onii-chan fistbumped the air, his eyes scrunching up in excitement. How can he be so excited after the doctor told us I’ve gotten even worse?
Onii-chan, don’t be silly. You can’t make me better.
I’m gonna be a star! I’ll be able to do anything, he says. He leans on the back of my hospital bed right next to me. He rubs my head and I want him to leave. I know it’s his weak attempt at cheering me up. I know that he knows he truly cannot do anything. Saki, what do you want to do when you get better?
I want to watch a musical.
He smiles and grabs my hands with his own two hands. We can do that right now, he says, thrilled. He gets up from the bed and runs to our mother’s bag that she left at the table in front. I notice an uneaten peeled apple next to her bag. He pulls out a small laptop, grinning widely as he jumps back onto the bed.
We watched The Sound of Music. I wanted to live.
-
I hear my parents outside my door, what sounds like a hushed argument.
The bills are getting too high. I’m afraid we won’t be able to afford it.
She’s our daughter.
I’m tired of this. What if she—
I know. We will be okay, dear. We will be okay.
-
The days pass by in a blur, tangled in IV drips and white coats, and as I patiently wait for the Red Death to knock on my door, I realize,
I was born imprisoned and I will die imprisoned.
-
Tell me, Onii-chan, why do you love me? I ask him one day.
You’re my sister, obviously. He smiles, gentle and loving, a feeling so familiar yet foreign. I’ll love you forever, he says, rubbing my palm with his thumb.
My question goes unanswered: what have I ever done for you, to deserve your unconditional love?
Why do you look at me with such soft eyes, when I have never given you a reason to?
My dear brother,
When I die,
do not grieve for me.