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So, About the Pants

Summary:

“It's about your estremità, your ... tail end, signorino,” said Ercole. “When you get wet, you go from having a little round butt to a long pointy tail, but when you get dry the seat of your pants is somehow not split wide open!” He tipped his head to one side, eyes wide and hands flailing. “How?!”

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

“Wow,” Luca breathed.

He held up the beautiful charcoal-colored wool suit to show his mother, his nonna, his best friend, and his ... Alberto. They all nodded happily, and Alberto was vibrating with excitement. Luca would be the best-dressed young man at his università graduation, thanks to the excellent taste of someone the boys never thought they would speak to again, let alone do business with.

“Yes, I like this suit very much. Grazie, Ercole.”

Signor Visconti’s smile lit up his little clothing store. "I will have it altered to your measurements by Friday," he said. His smile faded a bit and he tugged at his exquisite silk cravat. “But I do have a question about the correct tailoring of pantaloni for, um, sea folk such as yourself.”

“Yes?” asked Luca.

“It's about your estremità, your ... tail end, signorino,” said Ercole, squirming. He took a deep breath and clearly decided to jump right in. “When you get wet, you go from having a little round butt to a long pointy tail, but when you get dry the seat of your pants is somehow not split wide open!” He tipped his head to one side, eyes wide and hands flailing. “How?!”

The embarrassed silence was broken by Nonna’s incredibly dirty laugh.

"Is it magic?" asked Giulia.

"Perhaps you sew it back up very quickly," said a customer who’d been eavesdropping shamelessly.

“Uh, well, there’s ... that is, we…” Luca sputtered.

“We don’t talk about it,” said Luca's mother with a note of finality.

Nonna rolled her eyes. She linked arms with Ercole and led him off to one side. Her whispering was punctuated by Ercole’s scandalized cries of “what?” and “signora!”

Luca examined the ceiling. Alberto inspected the floor. Luca’s mother covered her eyes. Giulia looked mystified.

It was an older and wiser Ercole who returned to the group. He took the suit back from Luca and draped it over his arm. His left eye wouldn't stop twitching.

“Alterations. Friday. Grazie,” he said haltingly.

The little group made its way back outside to the piazza.

“Signora, what on earth did you tell him?” asked Giulia.

“Well, I just–”

“Nonna!”

Notes:

You cannot tell me you haven't wondered about this.