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Shu remembers the day he became a ‘big brother’ very clearly. The precious new additions that turned their family of three into a family of five. Now, he realised he had taken on the role of being both a younger and older brother.
It felt weird. He had clearly gained something.
So why did it feel like he was losing his place?
It was a semi-rare afternoon for the household of five brothers. Everyone was home from school at the same time, meaning there was never going to be a moment of silence in the house as long as two or more people were in the same room at once.
“Come on, Mysta! Stay still! It’s time for your bath, don’t you want to feel nice and clean before dinner? We’re going to have playtime afterwards, and you don’t want to miss that now, would you?” Vox spoke in a singsong tone to Mysta, trying to get him to agree to taking a bath. As Mysta continued to vehemently shake his head and run away, Vox somehow managed to easily corral him into the bathroom, making Mysta gasp in shock as he realised where he had ended up going.
”Luca—we said no snacks before dinner right?” the golden-haired child nodded in response to Ike’s question, “Now, I wonder, what is that I see in your hands right now, hm?” Ike had a slightly scary smile on his face, chuckling before he started to chase Luca around the living room area, the younger boy giggling and laughing as he was caught and his cheddar cheese pringles were confiscated by an iron grip.
Shu watched all of this happening comfortably from the couch, his homework set out on the table before him. His adorable and precious younger brothers Mysta and Luca. They had both been incredibly energetic since the time they had started to learn how to crawl. His amazing older brothers Vox and Ike. They both felt very mature and Shu had nothing but admiration for them in his heart. And there was Shu. Right there in the middle, with his age being slightly too far from either group to really be considered part of either.
It was interesting seeing how his older brothers so easily managed to take care of their younger brothers, and it made him wonder. Was he like this as a child too? He remembers being told by both Vox and Ike that he was incredibly easy to take care of, and didn’t require too much effort.
Shu was a good child.
And perhaps that was a blessing, or it may have become a curse.
Closing his finished homework and standing up from the couch, he watched as Vox went into the bathroom with Mysta and Ike took Luca to the kitchen, most likely to get him to settle down before they ate.
“Ike-niisan, Vox-niisan,” he called out, “I’ll clean up the toys here then.” there were toys scattered through the vicinity, mostly toy trains and robot figures.
“As always, thank you, Shu.”
”You really are a good child, I’ll leave it to you then.”
”It’s alright! I’m also a older brother now, after all!”
Shu laughed and started cleaning up the bits and pieces, noting the most efficient way to do it. This was the new norm, as their parents were always too busy doing job-related things overseas to be home and take care of them, this was how they usually made life work. Before, while he was still the youngest, Vox and Ike would take care of him similarly, patting his head when he got sleepy and tucking him in bed, staying with him until he fell asleep. He could still get away with acting spoiled some of the time.
But it was different now. Now he had become the older brother. So he wanted to help take care of his younger brothers in the same way! Luca and Mysta were particularly energetic, so it was a full time job, looking after them.
Shu listened to the sounds of giggles and the pitter-patter of feet coming from the kitchen where Ike and Luca were. He listened to the sounds of splashing and loud laughing from the bathroom where Vox and Mysta were. He then looked around, focusing on the silence that enveloped the living room, and for some reason, his heart felt like it was being squeezed for a moment.
Everything is fine, this is the most efficient way of doing it. He continued cleaning up, but maybe, just maybe, he felt guilty for the pang of jealousy resonating within his heart.
I have to be good. I have to fit my role. I have to…
”Oh, I forgot about the parent in-class observation day…”
After dinner, Shu had headed back to his own room for a bit to check if there was any homework he had missed, instead finding the sheet of paper from his bag and staring at it for a good five minutes, wondering what to do.
There was no way his brothers that were already swamped with school work and taking care of their family had time for this sort of event. Before, Vox or Ike had always made the time to go, since it was only once a year, but now it was different. But it was okay. Shu was a good child, he didn’t need to be coddled forever.
I’m an older brother now. I can’t be taken care of forever…
But maybe if Mysta and Luca weren’t here they wou-
Shu slapped himself on the forehead. What was he thinking?! Hatred and guilt flooded his heart and body, he was shocked that he would even think of something like that even for a moment. The shock carried over into his actions, causing him to immediately crumple up the sheet of paper and dump it into the garbage bin.
How could he even think that?
He wasn’t being the good child that his brothers always praised him for being. It felt like he had betrayed them and their expectations.
Of course he loved Mysta and Luca so dearly. He could give up the world for them. But the more he thought about them the more twisted and hideous he himself became. He was becoming a monster filled with jealousy and envy.
Where was he supposed to fit? Who…was he supposed to be? If he couldn’t be the good child that his brothers wanted…would they throw him away? Would they not need him anymore? He imagined a house where he didn’t exist.
Why did it feel okay?
A flashback to the silent living room this afternoon came to his mind.
Maybe…they didn’t need him.
Diving onto his bed, he curled himself into a ball under the blankets. Shu felt warm liquid running down his cheeks as he muffled the sounds of sobbing. Why was he becoming like this? He didn’t want to be hated by his brothers. He couldn’t let anyone else see him like this. The Ike and Vox that gently ruffled his hair and stayed by his side until he fell asleep weren’t his anymore. The older brothers that he went to when he wanted to be coddled weren’t his anymore.
“I-I have to get it t-together…” Shu whispered to himself under the covers, quickly getting into a sleeping position facing away from the door as he heard footfalls coming up the stairs to his room, biting his lip harshly to stop himself from letting out a sound.
“Shu?” it was Ike-niisan, probably worried that he hadn’t come down after, “Oh, he’s asleep already, that was early…”
Shu desperately tried to keep his body from visibly shaking, tear tracks still wet on his face.
”IIIIIIIIIIIIke!!!!” he heard Mysta’s voice calling Ike from downstairs. Please. Go. Just go…
”I’m coming!” Ike softly called back as he closed the door, “Let’s be quiet alright? Shu-niisan is tired.”
It felt like a darker and lonelier night than usual.
It was fine if no one showed up for him at the parent observation class. He didn’t feel sad even if all his friends’ parents came and had lunch with their children. He was a good child. He could have lunch by himself in the classroom. He could make it home by himself.
He was good.
Shu was called to talk by his older brothers around two weeks later.
It was right after Luca and Mysta were put to bed, both insisting on clinging to Shu and holding his hands until they fell asleep in their shared bed, which meant he had to carefully extract himself slowly after making sure the both of them were asleep. It made him happy that his little brothers liked him to that extent. It made him feel like he was doing a good job.
Shu followed Vox to the living room, maybe they hadn’t finished cleaning up all the toys from this afternoon yet?
What he saw was Ike sat on the right edge of their couch, a fresh pot of chamomile tea sat in front of him, along with three cups. Vox gestured for Shu to sit in the middle, and he watched as Ike poured the tea into the cups and distributed one to each of them. Taking a small sip, Shu sighed with happiness. It almost felt like one of those nights when he was still only a younger brother.
However, glancing at his older brothers, they both had unreadable expressions on their faces, making him feel slightly uneasy.
Vox started speaking, “Shu, I bumped into one of your classmates today at the supermarket.”
”Oh, really?”
”Yes, his parent was there with him, and I got to speak with him for a while. He said that he was sad he missed his chance to greet me at the parent in-class observation day.”
Oh.
He had really gone and done it now. Shu was sure they were both mad at him for not telling them about it. The sip of tea he just took suddenly felt ice cold while going down his throat. He looked down at his lap, unsure of what to do in this situation.
“Shu,” Ike spoke up this time, “Why didn’t you tell us about the parent in-class observation? I’m sure you’re a smart and good child so you don’t often forget these things. If you did, was something bothering you? Could you tell us about it?”
The silence in the living room felt so loud. Shu could only hear the ticking of the clock in the background. Had the house always been this silent before Mysta and Luca came? It felt freezing cold to him all of a sudden. It felt like…there was no place for him here. He had been a bad child. He didn’t listen to his older brothers properly.
So did they not need him anymore?
Mysta and Luca were here, so Shu’s place had already been…
”…I-I’m s-sorry-“
”Shu, we’re not asking you to apologise right now, we’re not angry. It’s just that we haven’t had much time with you lately, so we want to hear exactly what happened, do you understand?” Vox spoke in a gentle tone, but it didn’t reach him properly.
“D-Do you not like me anymore…?” Ahh, Shu could feel the tears welling up.
”Why would you say that?” Ike had a confused expression on his face, “We could never dislike you.”
“B-But I-I was bad. A bad child. I-I had bad thoughts…s-so I thought you w-wouldn’t-hic-need me, any…more-hic-”
This was not good. Shu felt the droplets of tears pooling and falling onto his lap as he refused to look up. He started hiccuping, meaning he couldn’t speak properly.
No, no, no, his brothers might hate him now, he couldn’t make himself look like even more of a fool in front of them. The thought didn’t get processed correctly, and Shu started feeling a panic attack coming on. His whole body shook and it felt like there was something clogging up his throat. He couldn’t take deep breaths, he couldn’t breathe, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts—
“Calm down, Shu. Can you hear me?”
Strong arms enveloped him into a hug, and Shu could feel the slow, exaggerated breaths that Vox was taking. His grip was firm, but not to the point where it felt uncomfortable. He nodded.
”Good. Now, can you try matching your breathing to mine?” he continued, voice deep and soothing in Shu’s ear.
Shu grasped Vox’s shirt with both of his hands, trying his best to think clearly and match his breathing. He felt a smaller hand on his back, lightly rubbing circles in a relaxing way. It almost felt like…before, when the both of them would watch over him as he went to bed, their ever-soothing presence guiding him into dreamland.
“Don’t be absurd, we could never come to hate or dislike you, our precious Shu.” Vox’s voice was still in his ear, along with Ike giving a strong squeeze to his shoulder.
Both of their hands felt manlier than before, both of them having more pronounced joints than Shu remembered. Perhaps it was the fact that their chances of touching or holding hands had decreased during the last couple of years. Before he knew it, Shu had calmed down, now just feeling warm and safe in the embrace of his older brother.
“I’m, fine now.” Shu spoke first.
”Well, I, for one, don’t want this hug to end. So, would you allow me to keep holding you for a bit longer, our cute little brother Shu?”
”I-I’m an older brother now, so-“
”Mysta and Luca have gone to bed,” Ike cut him off, “Could you let us coddle you a bit for now? Don’t force yourself to be mature, you’re still our precious little brother, aren’t you?”
Shu blinked.
He didn’t, have to be ‘big brother’.
He didn’t have to be good.
It was okay for him to be taken care of too.
And just like that, Shu spoke.
He spoke of everything that had happened that night. How he thought he would be a burden, a bad child, if he had asked them to come to the class observation. How selfish he had been, the bad thoughts that intruded his head about Mysta and Luca, how guilty he felt, all of his feelings, they came out like a dam, flooding everything in sight.
He felt like after all of this, it would make sense if his older brothers came to hate him. But, as he spoke, Vox’s embrace never got any looser, nor did Ike’s hand move from it’s position on his shoulder.
Finally, Shu looked up, and the both of them were still looking at him with the kindest eyes he had ever seen.
“Thank you Shu, for telling us how you felt properly.”
”D-Do you still like me?”
”We said it, there will never come a day when we dislike you. From the moment you were born, we’ve loved you. Of course, as a family, there will be times when we disagree or fight, but the fact that we love each other will never, ever, change. We’re both very, very sorry.”
Shu stared in shock as both Ike and Vox apologised, it wasn’t as if they had done anything wrong, this was all just him going off on his own.
”Why are you guys apologising? Y-You haven’t done anything…”
”It’s because we didn’t do anything.” Ike said this in a firm tone, “We relied too much on how well-behaved you were, when we should have still been looking after you too.”
”B-But…I-“
“Shu, the feelings of love and adoration you have for Mysta and Luca, that’s exactly how we feel about all of you. Everything you guys do is just so adorable, it just can’t be helped. So please. Be selfish. Act more spoiled. When you’re angry, be angry and throw a tantrum. When you’re sad, cry and come to us whenever you want. There’s still lots of time before you have to grow up and become an adult.” Vox placed a soft kiss on Shu’s forehead as if to accentuate the point.
“If you’re ever unsatisfied with something, argue with us about it, we can always make up. That’s how a family’s bonds grow deeper.” Ike smiled softly at Shu, giving his shoulder another squeeze.
Vox’s words and Ike’s smile took Shu back to past times, when Shu was still just a younger brother. His brothers would listen to any of his requests, and he felt safe and unconditionally loved.
”…uh, well…”
”Yes, our beloved Shu?”
”I-I kind of want, you both to…pat my head, until I go to sleep. Just like…before…” this felt embarrassing, but the feeling of being taken care of made Shu’s heart feel warmed.
”Of course, well, let’s see, we can’t all fit onto Shu’s bed anymore, so why don’t we bring out the big futon into the living room?”
”Ooh, that’s nice. Wait here, I’ll go get it right now.”
”Oh! I can hel-“
”Shu, just allow yourself to be spoiled rotten by us right now?”
Shu flushed. This felt slightly out of place, but…he liked it.
By the time Mysta and Luca woke up, Shu would become an older brother once more. He definitely didn’t hate that fact. He wanted to protect them as an older brother just as he had been. However, during this time where it was just the three of them. He’d allow himself to think as just the younger brother of his amazing older brothers, Ike and Vox.