Chapter Text
the past.
i. you’re like the sun, you wake me up.
Huang Renjun was good at classifying things: he could easily categorize his regrets or biggest accomplishments, which granted weren’t many in each category yet. Still, he was good at it. An organized mind would always be the way for him.
Until he didn’t know if meeting Lee Donghyuck was his greatest mistake or his most valuable achievement. Maybe he existed in-between, or in a category created only for him. Both of those possibilities scared him more than he was willing to admit.
Huang Renjun could be good at loving, but never at giving his heart without any protection. Without thousands of requirements or promises impossible to break. Without the security that he was safe. It didn't matter how lonely it could get.
“Stop cheating, dude. Seriously!” Mark yelled, punching Donghyuck’s arm. “I saw you hiding the card!”
“You are framing me so unjustifiably-”
“Unjustifiably?” Renjun arched an eyebrow and searched Donghyuck’s body until they were all laughing and all the cards were on the floor. It was a routine, Renjun supposed: his fake anger over something that Donghyuck did and his breathless laughter against his ear. Donghyuck always received all he had to give without protest.
It was normal for them.
But this time, the sight of Donghyuck smiling so brightly under him with the dim lights of Chenle’s living room dancing on a part of his face softly squeezed his ribcage. Renjun instantly stopped wrestling with him and noticed his heart was beating quicker than he expected, something inside himself twisting.
For the alcohol or the sudden movement, surely.
He refused to believe that he, out of all people, had a crush on Lee Donghyuck. Or the frightening thought that he was past that point, impossible to stop.
If he found himself blushing lately for noticing his reflection on Donghyuck’s eyes framed with such a gentleness he did not know how to receive or how he was willing to go out of his way to lend Donghyuck a hand with one of his projects or simply how his smile disarmed him... Renjun was ready to toss all of it aside for the sake of him being a good friend.
A good friend didn’t fall in love with another friend being scared out of his mind.
So Huang Renjun was also good at ignoring what was not helpful to him.
Renjun took what he believed was his cup and drank it fully to his friends’ surprise. Bitter.
“Renjunnie, you need to work out more,” Jeno said. Renjun would rather have Jeno explain all the reasons why he should go to the gym with him instead of saying his nerves were playing him and he was thirsty for other reasons.
Renjun sat down beside Jeno this time, as far from Donghyuck as possible.
They were at Chenle’s apartment on a lame excuse of trying what they were supposed to do at college but without the pressure of having to already know all those things. None of them were big partiers or drank often before meeting each other. Renjun’s biggest scandal at high school had been sneaking out to buy a new brand of ice cream. Either way, he tried to not get too repelled the first time someone offered him weed.
That was partly the reason why he didn’t protest as he should have when Chenle offered a night out that didn’t include any outside place but his apartment and the only people they were going to meet would be each other. Or that it didn’t count as a night out because the sun hadn’t even set yet. However, his friends were there — Jaemin included despite his occasional hermit tendencies — and Renjun felt more content than he had been in weeks.
Unpleasant feelings were suddenly manageable, pushed aside with Mark’s high laughter or Jisung’s curious remarks.
Renjun put his head on Jeno’s shoulder, watching Mark and Jaemin organize the cards again. Even Chenle’s music taste got bearable.
“I don’t think we should mix the two,” Jisung suddenly blurted out as if he had thought deeply about it by Chenle’s side. “The alcohol and the… well, that. ”
“You’re not going to touch that , Jisung,” Jaemin said in the same tone. “You’re a kid.”
“Here comes the grandpa,” Chenle whispered, not helping his smile. Renjun could feel Jeno’s smile as well, soft in everything Jaemin did or said.
“Have you tried it, hyung?” Jisung asked Mark, as he was the only one he respected enough to call hyung all the time. None of them took any offense by it.
Mark shook his head. “Nope. I tried to but… uh, someone kind of… didn’t let me. Said it was bad.”
“You are not fooling us! It’s impossible that your other friends didn’t let you try at least once,” Donghyuck whined.
“They aren’t addicts, Hyuck. God.”
“Who are ‘they’?” Jaemin asked, opening the chips bag Donghyuck had bought. Renjun realized they were his favorites. “Does Mark have popular friends? I thought you only had us. I’m honestly betrayed!”
“They are Kim Jungwoo’s friends. We ,” he side-eyed Donghyuck, “went out with them last week. I brought Hyuck along. Emotional support and stuff.”
Renjun frowned a little. Mark was one year older than all of them, so he had adapted already in ways they hadn’t yet. Renjun didn’t know much about his other friends and he didn’t mind anyway. He was sure Kim Doyoung, one of his few reliable seniors whom he spoke to often, was fond of Mark but it never occurred to him to hang out with him or his friends either.
“Emotional support? Were they gangsters?” Chenle said.
“I thought the same! Only three of them scared me a little at first,” Donghyuck smirked. “But they were all super chill. Johnny Suh basically adopted Mark.”
“Dude!”
“And Jung Jaehyun is also The Man if you get what I mean.”
“Did you meet Jung Jaehyun? I can’t believe we’re here instead of his house. Mark, you disappoint me,” Chenle threw a chip at him.
“Don’t mention him ,” Mark quickly interrupted Donghyuck’s next words. “You just want to start gossip, Hyuck.”
“Gossip?” Jisung, probably thinking about how they could die if they drank and smoked, repeated. “Gossip of what?”
“Nothing,” Mark said.
“That Mark has a big crush on Nakamoto Yuta,” Donghyuck said at the same time. Renjun and Jeno exchanged a look. Mark would never show he had a crush on someone if he could help it.
“Na Yuta? The one with the tattoos and the piercings?” Chenle smirked. “Aiming high, aren’t we?”
“Yuta hyung is just… uh,” Mark shook his head, the tip of his ears red. “I speak around him normally! Hyuck is way worse.”
“You barely can get a word out when Yuta-hyung is around you!” Donghyuck widened his eyes. “Wait, was he the one who didn’t let you try-?”
“I don’t have a crush on Yuta hyung,” Mark almost stammered. “He’s just really nice.”
“With you!” Donghyuck rolled his eyes.
“With everyone!”
Renjun laughed a little noticing how red Mark’s face had become. He had the urge to offer Mark some moral support if he was that unlucky and had a crush on him. Despite never crossing a word with him, and doubting he was someone you could just approach, Renjun had heard what they said about him. Serious relationships were out of the table.
However, there was an itch inside his mind that needed an outlet. A part of Renjun was begging him to not ask, to not say anything about it. He was not going to like the answer. But sometimes, when it came to enticing things, Renjun never listened.
“With whom is Hyuck way worse? Do you like any of them?” He ignored the strange tone of his voice. He should be better than that.
“Jungwoo and Yuta’s roommate,” Mark replied, ignoring Donghyuck bugging him with his elbow. “He already graduated but Hyuck is-”
It was note-worthy, Renjun realized later on. How the sinking of a heart always started slowly.
Donghyuck covered his mouth. “You’re going to jinx it, Markie. Let’s shut up for now.”
Before Renjun could ask something else, Chenle interrupted.
“I thought all of us were losers who didn’t have any love life,” Chenle shook his head. “And now you two are going for seniors and graduated students.”
“I’m not going for a senior!” Mark rebuked. “Or for anyone!”
“I’m definitely going for a graduated student,” Donghyuck nodded at the same time.
Renjun had started to drink a few minutes ago and now he had the urge of drinking even Mark’s cup. The movement startled Jeno who looked at him with concern.
It’s nothing , Renjun meant to say, it’s just that my chest is starting to tighten up. And it hurts, Jeno. It hurts.
“Nasty,” Jaemin said and passed Renjun his cup, filled again. “Now are talking about love, gentlemen? That’s not very manly.”
“You make us sound like losers,” Donghyuck said.
“Because that’s what we are,” Jaemin winked at him. “Didn’t you go out with a girl for a few days in your first year, Mark? Or is this Yuta hyung the love of your life?”
Mark coughed. “God, Yuta hyung and I will never have anything!”
“You sound sad about it,” Donghyuck rubbed his hands together. “At least I have a plan.”
“Trying to befriend Jungwoo because Yuta hyung doesn’t put up with you is not a good plan,” Mark pointed out. “I’m not looking for that, seriously.”
Renjun rested his head against Jeno’s shoulder again, closing his eyes for a moment. Mark was one of the people he was more fond of and all of them were aware he was a hidden hopeless romantic. He might not be as devoted as Jeno surely would be to the person he liked, or as mysterious and dedicated as Jaemin, but he probably did expect someone who would put his world upside down; would even welcome it. Renjun envied that about Mark: despite his insecurities, it was so easy to fall into his orbit. Being Mark’s friend was like stretching on a warm day after an unyielding winter: it didn’t burn. It simply soothed.
It was a little harder for Renjun. He seemed kind and easy-going, but there was a private world no one could go to either way. He was razor-sharp if provoked, ready to strike at any moment.
The conversation shifted to past girlfriends or boyfriends — Jaemin evaded the topic—, but Renjun pretended to drink and checked his phone. He was not ashamed of the fact that he had kissed two people in his whole life, and it had been forgettable at most. First kisses weren’t supposed to be good, but the rule was to surely remember them at most. Since then, the urge to kiss anyone had disappeared.
Until Lee Donghyuck, that was it.
The conversation stopped being fun.
“Minjun hyung is just… good,” Donghyuck said, his expression dreamy as if he was seeing him from memory. Renjun tensed, not wanting to hear anymore, and Jeno brought him closer. “He’s super kind and smart and talented and…”
“The man of your dreams,” Jaemin completed. “He’s older than you, though.”
“Renjun said a few days ago that age didn’t matter.”
“Uh?” Renjun said, his voice strained. He prayed it sounded playful. “I never said that.”
Suddenly, he considered the age difference the worst obstacle to having a relationship. Or a crush. Or anything slightly romantic.
“I’m not in love with him or anything. I just think he’s nice,” Donghyuck said, slowing down a little. Mark threw a gaze his way but said nothing and ate a few chips as well.
“Love never brings anything good,” Chenle touched his cup but didn’t drink. “Or well, how could I know? I pity the first one who falls in love here.”
“Mess around, fellow friends,” Jaemin agreed. “Hearts on the line are hearts meant to be broken regardless of the reason.”
Jeno slightly tensed this time, but it was over quickly. He didn’t meet Renjun’s eyes, and joked, “Stop with the divorced comments, Nana. Someday it will be your turn.”
“I’ll enjoy it then,” Jaemin winked. “Who will be fortunate enough?”
“And,” Jisung interrupted out of the blue, glancing at Jaemin, “Don’t fall in love between the people here. It would make… us awkward.”
At that, everyone made disgusted noises, some of them louder than others. Renjun looked at Donghyuck, and to his surprise, he was looking at him too. Specifically, at that intersection of Renjun’s cheek meeting Jeno’s shoulder.
Renjun cleared his throat.
“Are we going to try the weed? I guess it won’t kill us or give us enough brain damage for a lifetime.”
“I don’t think I’ll try it yet,” Chenle said, standing up and grabbing Jisung. “And you won’t either.”
No one said anything about Chenle not wanting Jisung to be left out. It was the recurrent things that worked for them since they met — Renjun and Donghyuck bickered often, Jeno and Jaemin were something even deeper than soulmates and nobody knew where that would take them, Chenle and Jisung were the same albeit differently, and Mark was the glue for them all.
It was an equilibrium that nobody was allowed to break.
“I don’t think I need weed to be stoned,” Jaemin said, standing up. All of them could agree on that. “In fact, I need a love-”
“If you don’t want to, it’s perfectly okay,” Mark assured, cutting Jaemin’s monologue. “No pressure. I mean, I’m just doing it for the laughs.”
“And because Yuta hyung is not here to stop you. Rebellious.”
“Hyuck, shut up.”
“Renjunie?” Donghyuck said, grabbing his arm so he finally separated from Jeno who followed Jaemin to the kitchen. “Want to give your brain some damage?”
Renjun rolled his eyes. “With you, I have enough.”
Donghyuck laughed. “Yah, you’re so mean.”
“I saw Johnny-hyung do this once,” Mark said, grabbing the blunt wraps. Mark’s hands were a little hesitant, but he made a decent excuse for a joint nonetheless. He didn’t seem that excited but as they were testing only, or that was the plan, Renjun doubted their brains would get ruined forever.
He was not counting that there would be something with a stronger effect that night.
Mark accepted the cups of water Jaemin brought before leaving again. “Just read it somewhere.”
At first, Renjun waited for something to happen — would he have hallucinations? would he throw up? would he die? or his paranoid thoughts were caused by what he had smoked?
After a few minutes though, he felt rather chilled out. The room was nice, his friends were nice, and there was nothing that could crush him. He was glad that he was there, that Donghyuck out of a sudden was by his side, their legs touching as he laid back on the floor.
Renjun laid back as well, the floor not uncomfortable on his back. He stared directly at Donghyuck’s face. His proximity didn’t bother him this time; it really never did. He could see his moles scattered softly all over his face and the almost unnoticeable blemishes on his skin. Renjun wondered how it would feel to put his lips all over them.
The light that came from the window showed that the sun was setting.
The different colors danced in Donghyuck’s face: the oranges, pinks, purples, and even the hidden blues, creating an effect that was higher than what was traveling through his system. It was faster too. Donghyuck liked his hair short most of the time, but lately, he had small bangs that covered his face. Renjun suppressed the urge to remove them from his face, to stare at him better against the sunset.
For some reason, he thought about Donghyuck a few hours ago sitting down as a king on Chenle’s couch, legs spread out, ready to tease him. Renjun had felt something else at that.
Things he definitely should not.
“Why are you looking at me?” Donghyuck asked with a hidden laugh in his words. His face was made for all those smiles. Renjun didn’t bother to point out that he was looking so intensely at him as well. Oddly exposed. There was that pleasant buzz in his head and Donghyuck eyes on him. Donghyuck removed something on Renjun’s hair, and through his state, he still noticed the hesitation of the movement. “Are you annoyed at me?”
“I’m not annoyed at you,” Renjun smiled softly. “Unless you give me a reason to.”
“I hope I never do, but it’s funny when you are,” he said, so low it was more like whispering. Renjun looked around and saw that only Mark remained with them in the room, laying on the couch. “I like your attention on me.”
Drugs were such a dangerous thing, but there could be more corrosive things. Spells that were created out of words, binding irreparably.
“What if we fought?” Renjun asked.
“We would never seriously fight. It’s you and me, Huang Renjun,” Donghyuck said. “We will come back together every time.”
They were silent for a long moment, Renjun strangely sleepy.
“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Before Renjun could get some words out, the spell poisoning them both, Donghyuck continued. Focused on him. “I haven’t either.”
In the back of his mind, the different answers were there: I kissed a girl in the back of some building at my school but I can’t remember how it was.
I have kissed a lot of people, Hyuck. I’m not like you.
Or I am not interested in kissing anyone.
You look stunning under those lights, Hyuck. How do you do it?
I wouldn’t mind if it were you.
“I haven’t,” he whispered at the end.
“Would you mind?” Donghyuck asked, caressing Renjun’s cheek almost absent-minded. Donghyuck was gone to a place nobody knew, but Renjun was not going to let him go that far. He liked the contact. He liked him. “Would you mind if I do this?”
He raised his head a little, closer to Renjun that was polite. They were friends, he reminded himself through his haze. Best friends if you stretched the term. Renjun’s eyes were bright, his body both trembling and so relaxed he would melt in Donghyuck’s arms, unable to be contained. The visual made him smile.
Renjun didn’t mind anything else. Grounded only by that hand on his cheek.
He grabbed Donghyuck’s shoulder. “I wouldn’t mind.”
“Are you sure?” he said against his lips.
“I will never mind.”
Renjun giggled when he felt those lips over his own, the contact was so tentative as if not even drugs could lessen what they were doing. He closed his eyes, the colors of the sunset remaining behind his eyelids anyway. Donghyuck never did things softly, scorching whoever went close to him; he always went all in or did nothing at all. And yet here there was, moving softly as if Renjun was the only thing keeping him tethered. Renjun deepened the kiss placing his hand on his neck this time.
It was like chasing an elusive piece of one of his drawings that begged him to exist. Or those rare nights where he could bleed out on the canvas, his feelings and his pain not in shadows anymore. An unsafe thrill that left him empty. The world was manageable and yet confusing.
But at that moment, it was as if he hadn’t heard Donghyuck had a crush on someone else. As if it wasn’t borrowed time; something he would need to treasure because time was unforgiving and it would be his first and last chance.
He moved his head out of reflex, and Donghyuck explored his lips as slowly as he could. Before it was tender, now it was something else entirely. Renjun received it all, taking piece by piece leisurely.
They weren’t in the right mind — who kissed other people after drinking and smoking — but Renjun’s heart managed to skip a beat. It was supposed to be one quick peck, to have a first kiss, but now he wondered what would happen if Donghyuck’s grip became stronger, the hand on his waist weakening his legs.
Renjun sighed after Donghyuck moved away. He wasn’t much taller, all things considered, though he did look stronger, and yet Renjun didn’t feel trapped. He didn’t mind the world dissolving and Donghyuck the only thing holding him close.
His lips were all tingly and he couldn’t help the little laugh at that as if he had waited months to have something and finally there it was in his arms, his lips, or all over his heart. And his greedy hands couldn’t catch it fast enough but he somehow had the sensation of it slipping through his fingers. He tried.
Huang Renjun always tried.
And yet, there was no point in hiding it anymore.
Huang Renjun was in love with Lee Donghyuck.
They stayed like that for a long moment, the dark setting steadily inside the room. Renjun wanted to reach for him again, to memorize the shape of his lips against his own, but Donghyuck only put his arm over Renjun’s stomach and didn’t move anymore. The effect started to disappear and Renjun, on the verge of falling asleep, heard Donghyuck’s mumble.
“Would you mind if I fall for Minjun hyung?”
Renjun blinked.
The sinking of a heart always started slowly, until you noticed you already drowned, too late to go back to the shore.
He would wonder so many nights what he could have answered. What he could have said. What Donghyuck, high out of his mind, wanted to hear from him.
His words died every time. Except the ones meant to cut.
“I won’t mind.”
And just like that, the sun definitely set.
Renjun’s love did too.
“Love? Is it important for you?” someone asked Renjun once.
“I’m not fit for it,” Renjun had replied. “It would shatter me.”
the present.
ii. but you drain me out if i get too much
“That was nice,” the guy said, his voice a little high. “Wish we could have done more.”
Renjun nodded, offering an uncompromising gesture. He dried his hands with his shirt as the bathroom was deplorable at most. Renjun hadn’t bothered learning the guy’s name, but he willingly accepted he was rather handsome under the greenish awful lights that were worsening his headache. He needed to take a painkiller before he went to bed.
The music had been so loud he barely heard all the words he mused as he was touching him. Renjun was glad. At first, it reminded him of the voice of someone else; sweet and rich, as if he could melt anyone who heard it. Maybe that was the reason he chose him after his last recurrent fling had failed, but now the voice of the guy in front of him annoyed him.
Someday he would accept that all those boys were washed-out copies, never as vibrant as him . They were both perfect and awful for Renjun.
A safe thrill this time.
He lowered his defenses as he had the vague impression of seeing a phantom that resembled him so much earlier that day. It scared him senseless. Not even the boy knowing how to move his hands and his tongue tossed that prickling sensation aside.
“Hey, you okay?” the guy spoke again, swinging slightly from one foot to another. A nervous habit. Despite his better judgment, Renjun liked how he seemed rather simple: no hidden jokes or too much cleverness for his own good. “You look… kind of empty.”
“Hmm,” Renjun laughed at that. Noticing his scared expression, Renjun controlled himself and gave him an easy smile instead. The boy relaxed immediately. “Rough week.”
“Yeah, I get that,” Renjun was about to go as he continued, “I mean I had fun with you. You’re also super gorgeous. Maybe we can finish it in another place-”
“No need,” he fixed his clothes and looked at his reflection in the scratched mirror one last time. He didn’t like what he saw: his black hair was getting longer again, and the blush of their activities inside of a random bathroom stall was starting to dissipate with his skin becoming nearly ghostly once again. “But thanks.”
The guy didn’t press which almost made Renjun give him his number just for the sake of it, but he needed to stop creating problems for himself — they always started saying that they did not want anything else than physical, and then they were telling Renjun how heartless he was. How selfish. He didn’t make eye contact with anyone as he was going out, afraid of a familiar face.
It was ridiculous — none of his friends cared about parties, and only Yangyang knew what Renjun was up to at night some days. As it was recommended to him long ago, he tried to make a list of the good things that happened to him that day: he had gotten some passable action to distract himself and there was no one waiting for him at home. Jaemin always went to his parent's house on the weekends, and a few months ago Renjun used to tag along occasionally, but now he and Jaemin weren’t exactly on bad terms, but there was a distance that no one could build a bridge for. It was a free fall trying to get to Renjun.
He tightened his jacket on him as the cold outside dizzied him. Renjun switched to not thinking about anything too deeply as he called a taxi. The driver noticed his bored expression so he didn’t try to strike up a conversation. Renjun was completely drained; no one would have been able to make him talk.
Renjun was sure the driver muttered something about the recklessness of young people as he exited the car, but Renjun didn’t care if the driver went to his wife to say how he picked up a boy who looked as if he had committed a crime a minute ago.
The apartment always felt somewhat empty without Jaemin. It was not that big — only two rooms and a small living room along with the kitchen — but their place was definitely nicer than the average college student’s even if it was all because of Jaemin’s parents. Renjun did have his means, and yet, it would have allowed him to stay in Jeno’s study at most.
Lately, Renjun spent most of his time studying or hanging out with Yangyang among his other activities like working on his (empty) final project, but Jaemin was there regardless if Renjun arrived late enough for them to not cross, taking care of him in secret ways. A lot of roommates didn’t care about each other but Jaemin was not good at that. At not caring.
Removing his shoes and his jacket, he got a cup of water and finally turned on his phone. The first message was Mark’s, a picture of him with a big plushie that his boyfriend got for him on his screen. Mark received the silences, the strained answers, and his constant declining of invitations to hang out. So Renjun couldn’t help his fondness of his friend’s happiness.
He read the other texts.
9:05 p.m. [mark]: you know we need to plan what we will do for jisung’s birthday!! don’t forget it.
9:07 p.m. [mark]: it’s next thursday at jeno’s flat. jisung has dance practice so he won’t be there.
9:15 p.m. [mark]: we all miss you.
9:20 p.m. [mark]: but i get it, man. i truly do.
Renjun replied with a thumbs up, unsure if he should go or not. They wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t appear, but it was the first time Mark said he missed him so outrightly. Renjun used to be very different: spamming their group chat with jokes he found funny and that only Mark supported, going to even Jisung’s reunions of his odd extracurricular group. He used to be very loud, and suddenly there was nothing. He had muted it long ago. All of those conversations caught dust, making them all sick.
There were other texts from Yangyang asking if he was alive as he was the only one aware of Renjun’s whereabouts. Besides a reassuring message in the form of i’m alive now don’t bother me, he didn’t add anything else. Yangyang instantly sent another asking if he had fun.
“You are way smarter than I am, Jun-jun,” Yangyang said once when they were watching one of those movies he liked. “You know what you are doing. Just don’t get pregnant.”
Renjun had punched him right after, but they both had been laughing at the end.
Renjun’s finger hovered on one particular chat, now on the bottom for the amount of time that had passed. He blamed it all on the little alcohol he had consumed. He had seen that last text so many nights he probably could spell it perfectly from memory alone, but Renjun doubted new messages would ever be typed unless he knew how to say he was sorry, or unless he felt sorry to start with.
Huang Renjun and Lee Donghyuck didn’t speak since four months ago.
All was well.
Now that he thought about it, Renjun had failed to foresee how that particular feeling started to eat away at his heart. How it went from an excited confusion to a quiet resignation, deadly in its calmness. It was an ever-lasting and sharp pain.
It had been Mark’s birthday last year. They celebrated it in the nicest place they all could afford without relying on Chenle too much so the food and the drinks and anything Mark could enjoy was more than good for all of them, average college students. They could have given Mark a rock and he would have been happy either way, his gratefulness piling up every time he opened his mouth, followed by reassuring comments from all of them in the second after.
Renjun sometimes wished he had fallen for Mark instead — he would have been in the same situation as Mark was in love with someone else if the way he checked his phone as it vibrated with a faint blush was the indicator of something, but he was sure it wouldn’t feel as nerve-wracking as having Donghyuck by his side, moving too excitedly than the space allowed, did.
Out of a sudden, Donghyuck grabbed him by the waist and whispered in his ear, “Don’t you think he’s all…giddy lately?”
Every time Donghyuck touched him had started to be daunting, to say the least; At first, Renjun had longed for physical touch, but it had started to hurt without meaning to. Renjun almost jumped from his seat, and one of his chopsticks fell from his hand. They all stared at him, but he didn’t mind their teasing. He was not ready for the moment Donghyuck gave his cheek a loud kiss. “Don’t get so nervous, darling. It’s just me.”
Jisung pretended to gag. Renjun narrowed his eyes at him but Donghyuck was not an inch affected. His hand was still in the same place and Renjun repeated inside his mind that he and Donghyuck were friends. They worked that way. Renjun followed his lead, but he also knew it would be better if he distanced himself slowly.
And yet, friends gossiped in each other’s ears, voices becoming low for the sake of secrecy. He did that with Dejun all the time during class.
Renjun collected his fallen chopstick and used it to put something else on the roll he was making, and replied in the same tone: “It suits him.”
Donghyuck, finally releasing him, looked at Mark by his side. Oblivious to it, he took his phone out again as if to double-check the message was indeed there. For all Donghyuck teased Mark, Renjun couldn’t help the thing twisting inside him when he looked at someone else with such fondness. Or when he smiled at them, but for the particular way he did, Renjun couldn’t categorize them as just smiles.
The different smiles of Lee Donghyuck were a subject of study he never got tired of. There were his smirks, the rise of his mouth that indicated he was causing chaos on purpose, or the smile he had when he was doing something he loved and that he knew he was good at it. The last one was blinding enough, but then there was the one Renjun couldn’t get enough of, the one that was only a smile; a gesture so bare there was nothing hidden in it, or maybe it hid all the beautiful things he had to offer and words simply fell short to describe it.
A small window to Donghyuck’s core — he might be loud, he might be too much for the people who weren’t ready for him, but Renjun fell into it as easily as opening his eyes in the morning, as easy as sitting down by his side, nervous heart hammering against his ribcage. It was not supposed to be like that.
It suffocated him.
Donghyuck looked at him this time, and Renjun, without meaning to, thought about Minjun. Back then, he hadn’t met him yet, but he wondered if he got too close to Donghyuck, being the one he wanted, would his hands be stained with gold by the end they inevitably collided? Would Minjun be careful with him?
“Here, try this,” Donghyuck used his chopsticks to grab the food. Renjun was so surprised that he accepted it without any resistance. After that, Donghyuck drank in all his reactions to the food, and Renjun couldn’t help but smile at him. A reflex from within.
Throughout dinner, Renjun became constantly aware of the small distance between them, the brush of his legs against his own. Every time he moved, a little or too much, Renjun had it in the back of his mind. In the end, while the others laughed and listened to Chenle telling a story, Donghyuck put his head on his shoulder, content. Renjun could hear his quiet breathing against his neck, and he let himself taste what it was to have that quiet clinginess. Since Donghyuck fell in love with Minjun, he stopped joking about how much he liked Renjun: he simply was loyal to even a hopeless crush, that ‘darling’ at the start of the night a slip of the tongue out of some forgotten tradition.
He often thought about that night after what had happened between them, about how he had wished he could steal a wish from Mark, one that would keep Donghyuck laughing against him. That he could be the one getting his heart painted gold, that loud soul of his vibrating against his own.
Renjun was convinced that If he tried hard enough, Donghyuck could become a normal friend again. The only feelings that surged for him would be the occasional annoyance and fondness, that long-forgotten kiss eventually disappearing in his mind. Maybe he could speak about it, someday, as something funny to recall. Nothing else.
It didn’t happen that way.
So his love started to be stained with his self-loathing.
“Mark Lee,” Donghyuck called. “Would you let me sing you a song?”
After hearing those words, all of them started to rise and accommodate the empty dishes. Jaemin and Chenle went to pay as Mark ignored Donghyuck’s jests and whispered to Renjun, “Can I talk to you?”
“Of course. What is it?”
Renjun had resisted the urge to laugh as Mark, stuttering through the whole conversation, said he was about to meet with one of his “friends” but didn’t want to leave Donghyuck completely alone.
“Is this friend of yours Na Yuta?” Renjun winked at him. “It’s true, then? Aw, Mark-”
“Nothing of the sort!” Mark raised his hands, blushing. “We are just friends. Friends celebrate birthdays together. Like we did!”
“Hyuck can stay with us if that’s what he wants,” Renjun offered.
“Why are you making such offers, Renjunnie?” Jaemin asked, coming closer with Chenle behind him.
“Mark is going to celebrate with his other… uh, hyungs, as well,” Renjun said as Mark was bad at lying. “Maybe Hyuck can stay with us, Nana?”
“That would be your real birthday gift, Mark,” Jaemin said but acceded. They met in the front of the restaurant again and Mark exchanged a few words with Donghyuck before leaving first and repeating how thankful he was for all of them. Jaemin grabbed his elbow. “Do you mind if I go to Jeno’s?”
“Jaemin!”
“Just saying!”
Chenle said his goodbyes as well, Jeno and Jisung following after him with Jaemin talking about how much he wanted to go with them instead. Renjun glared at Jeno, daring him to cave in this time as he often did for Jaemin.
“Nana, don’t-”
“You’re so bad to me, Lee Jeno. I’ll think about this forever!”
“Renjunie,” Donghyuck appeared by his side, unfazed by Jaemin’s scandal. “Did Mark tell you with whom he was going?”
“Don’t know,” he replied, lying to Donghyuck becoming easier as time went on. A sign if there was any. “You can stay with us if you want.”
“Would it be a sleepover?” Donghyuck’s serious demeanor disappeared. “I can sleep with you and all.”
“Are you drunk?” Renjun shoved him playfully. “Behave.”
“Hey, don’t be mean,” Donghyuck held him by his waist and laughed seeing his face. “We’re in public, darling.”
Then he released him, grinning. “Don’t worry. I can go back to the dorms.”
“Sorry we can’t be as entertaining as spending the night alone,” Jaemin chimed in, catching up with them. “We are inviting you to our home and this is how you pay us. A disgrace, Lee Donghyuck.”
“You sound like you two are married.”
“Who knows if we will at some point! Renjun’s face is very pleasing to look at.”
Renjun punched Jaemin’s arm, ignoring how silent Donghyuck got. He stared at them both for a moment, something passing in his face until it was over, and there he was, the Donghyuck who would never let his guard down.
It took him time to accept it.
“Do you still like him? Minjun, I mean.” Renjun couldn’t help but ask him, trying to keep his voice neutral. Jaemin surely didn’t think he had a thing for Donghyuck, but his friend was perceptive to the point he would easily notice something amiss with him. There was nothing rarer than Jaemin getting truly serious, and Renjun didn’t want him to worry about him.
Donghyuck removed something in Renjun’s hair. The movement was so delicate it was very unlike him, and it reminded him of that night months ago, but he continued, “I’ll always like him, Renjunnie. You just need to meet him.”
“I hope we do at our wedding,” Jaemin said, getting between them. “Now, let’s walk. Donghyuck hates us.”
Renjun was glad for Jaemin’s arm around his shoulder, but the night started to get cold.
It always did when the sun went down.
“This place is a mess,” Renjun said now, lifting one of Yangyang’s cats. “Be glad this little guy here is cute enough to lighten the place.”
“Jun-jun, stay outside if you come to criticize!” he rolled his eyes but tried to clean a little. Renjun hated how Yangyang found out that one of his high school classmates called him ‘Jun-jun’ and decided to run with it since then. “How did last night go?”
“I had fun,” Renjun said, sitting down beside Yangyang’s pile of books after rearranging some of the hoodies that were all over the place. “It’s so cold at night though. I won’t go out until spring, probably. I don’t want to die yet.”
Yangyang was silent for a few seconds, probably wanting to ask if Renjun would ever get tired of his good-for-nothings-dates, or his hook-ups, but the answer was that Renjun didn’t know what he would do if he got bored of it. His grades were more than okay as he didn’t hang out with his friends as he used to, and he also didn’t drink more than he should. In fact, he found all the things he did repulsive at most but there was something that called to him in all of that: a normal Renjun would be crushed under the pressure of his guilt and the anxiety of fixing what was broken as quickly as possible while a numb Renjun just wanted to chase his next high. Whatever made him feel he was worthy of even the lowest of things.
“The midterm has barely started and you are already having fun,” Yangyang put music on and started to make circles with his chair. “Couldn’t be me! Kun ruins this place as if it were the military.”
“Where is Kun-ge, by the way?”
“Visiting his family, I think,” he said. “I would tell him you came by but you practically live here.”
“I’m sorry!” Renjun clutched his chest. “I’m visiting you and this is how you pay me!”
Yangyang suddenly asked, “How is your project going? Is it better?”
Renjun shook his head. “It will come around.”
“Maybe you’re too stressed. Do you want to play something? Or are you sick and come to sleep?”
“Let me sleep first and then we’ll play,” Renjun said, closing his eyes. Yangyang hit his leg and motioned to the bed. It was the only place that didn’t have books or clothes on it as if he had anticipated Renjun’s actions already. It wasn’t surprising as Renjun often slept there.
Renjun laid down on the bed, and as sleep started to cloud his mind, Yangyang interrupted him:
“Renjun, do you really know what you are doing?”
He opened one eye. “I’m not doing something very different from 90% of the people around here.”
“Yeah, but-”
“You worry too much. I’m just having fun.”
“Is it because of… Donghyuck?”
That woke him up instantly. It had been months since someone dared to speak that name to him, and the fact that it was Yangyang out of all people was enough to rile him up. Yangyang was supposed to be different. There was no need to explain himself anymore, or any pleading looks because he had torn a group of friends apart without any explanation. He liked the way Yangyang was always devoid of any judgment or resentment. There was no reason to talk about he had crushed Lee Donghyuck without any remorse.
Yangyang was supposed to be his protective wall against so many things.
The person he loved, and yet how easily it was for Renjun to grab his heart and turn it to dust. As if by not having it, he needed to destroy it.
Renjun, you care so much about him. This is not the way , Mark had said.
He never means the things he says, Renjunie. He cares so much about you. What do you say about going out for dinner? I’ll intoxicate myself by eating hot pot with you again… Jeno’s smile was so kind as always, Renjun suppressed the urge to hide.
I’m on your team, Renjunnie but Hyuck has been so sad lately. Even I notice it, Jaemin frowned, unsure as to what to say.
“No one,” Yangyang quickly replied, his tone soft. “Seriously. It’s just that it’s not rocket science that you don’t hang out with your other friends anymore. And… I’m worried. Do you want me to have my emo phase with you? Or is it more of a ‘hoe’ phase? Renjun, don’t make me that face! I just want to…”
“I don’t believe you,” Renjun stood up, an empty apartment more enticing in his eyes than minutes before. He didn’t need Yangyang. Or anyone. “Is it your way of saying you don’t want me here anymore?”
“What? Jun-jun, no. I’m just worried about you. For real. You’re my friend. I don’t want you to commit any mistakes.”
“There’s no need..”
Yangyang sighed. “It was Donghyuck. He asked me about you. Happy?”
Renjun widened his eyes, unable to utter a word. He sat down again.
“I-I don’t believe you either,” Renjun repeated. His voice started to tremble along with his heart — he said he looked for other guys to feel something, and yet a name was enough to make him dizzy. The world was suddenly so sharp. It cut him. “He would never-”
“Why would he never? He is your friend! I think he even hates me. Like I know you said I lied that one time, but I’m sure of it.”
“He doesn’t hate you,” Renjun defended him without thinking. “Why would he hate you? Hell, is he texting you?”
“I wish he had texted me, man!” Yangyang petted one of his cars. “But nope, he almost went full bully with me outside the Arts Building. He stared at me and started to walk away but suddenly he was all menacing asking about you.”
“He’s not menacing!”
“To you!” Yangyang rubbed his eyes. “He looked genuinely pissed but not with me in my opinion. Just with you so it clicked.”
“I-” Renjun laid down in the bed again. “Sorry for that. Are you sure he asked about me because-”
“Don’t be dense, Jun-jun. He told me to remind you about, uh, someone’s birthday. He said you never reply to anyone’s texts.”
“I reply to Mark just fine!”
Yangyang threw his hands at the sky as if asking himself why he, out of all people, was the chosen one to be Renjun’s best friend. “I guessed you two were fighting, but I didn’t mean to ask. It’s not my business.”
“We aren’t fighting,” Renjun mumbled. “We… aren’t just friends anymore.”
Yangyang frowned. “Did he do something to you?”
Renjun took a deep breath, hating how people assumed it was Donghyuck the one who had ruined it all. There was only one person who had destroyed everything between them, and that was him. “No, it was all me.”
“Did he piss you off?”
“He didn’t do anything, Yangyang. It was all me.”
Yangyang regarded him with something akin to sadness; Renjun couldn’t take it. “Despite my words, I don’t think you’re particularly cruel. Annoying? For sure. Some narcissistic tendencies? Definitely. But never cruel.”
“I…hurt him. Badly.”
He closed his eyes. There was the elation of Donghyuck asking about him, interested in him even after all Renjun’s actions that never resulted in the apology he deserved, but it was all tainted by a heartbreak so deep it strangled him.
When he fell in love with Lee Donghyuck he was sure he would be the end of him and yet the reality surpassed any expectation: he was the one who left Lee Donghyuck standing alone after unleashing all the awful things he was capable of. The Donghyuck Renjun had broken into pieces in front of him, and they were both at loss.
The worst days were those when Renjun was still torn between the idea of apologizing, saying he never meant any of the things he said that night, and being simply glad he didn’t have to see him anymore. Because he did mean any word. Renjun finally stopped lying to him.
But time passed, and all his possible apologies withered. The lack of sincerity only quickened the process.
“But why, Jun-jun? You put up with all his teasing. As I’m sure he hates me, these are unconfirmed facts but he doesn’t seem like a bad guy. The opposite.”
“Why would he hate you?”
“How could I know? He probably thought we were hooking up or something.”
Renjun laughed. “It’s none of his business.”
“Try to tell him that! Plus, we would never.”
“I don’t want to be in the same place as him,” Renjun confessed, needing a nap. “It will be…uncomfortable for him.”
“But why? You make no sense.”
Because I thought that breaking things with him would eliminate those feelings from my system. That being in his presence wouldn’t be like being burned from the inside and no matter how much I try to run, the flame never goes out.
“I can’t speak about it yet.”
“So you’re going to go?”
“Do I have an option? Mark’s disappointment would kill me for sure. Or his boyfriend for making him sad. I’m not sure what’s worse.”
“Definitely his boyfriend.”
Yangyang threw one of his wrapped covers to Renjun. “Rest, Jun-jun. You look awful.”
As Donghyuck entered Minjun’s shared apartment with Nakamoto Yuta and Kim Jungwoo the first thing he saw was two people cuddled up on the sofa. The light of the TV illuminated Mark’s excited face while his boyfriend, Nakamoto Yuta, had one arm around him, being more interested in Mark’s reactions to what they were watching than the movie itself.
“What a hooligan,” Donghyuck whispered to Minjun. “Is he this bothersome all the time?”
“Nope. Mark is without any doubt the best boyfriend Yuta’s had,” Minjun replied in the same hushing tone. He looked adorable with his favorite oversized hoodie after work. “It’s good to see them happy.”
It was impossible to not love Mark, so it was not surprising that he spent more time than he used to with Yuta’s friends, finding more common ground with them than he thought was possible. Mark barely voiced his insecurities, but it was obvious his wish to look good for the people Yuta considered close. Donghyuck didn’t mind that Yuta didn’t hang out with Mark’s friends that much in return. They all respected him ( Your boyfriend is so cool, hyung. Where did you get him from? Jisung had asked excitedly ) and Yuta did the same.
“Mark!” Donghyuck yelled, just to be a menace. He couldn’t help his laughter when Mark almost fell if it wasn’t for Yuta’s grip on him. “What are you doing?!”
“Hyuck, damn, you almost killed me!” Mark would be angrier if Yuta didn’t burst out laughing. Mark narrowed his eyes at him. “Why are you laughing for?”
“You’re so cute,” Yuta kissed his cheek. “Hyuck, be quiet. We are watching important things.”
“I’m being silenced,” Donghyuck sighed. “I thought you were studying.”
“Don’t say something corny,” Mark warned Yuta. His boyfriend grinned. “I was studying. Yeah.”
“Those books are pretty handsome,” Donghyuck arched a brow.
“Thank you,” Yuta said. “I do my best to enhance learning.”
“Hyung!”
“It could have been worse,” Minjun chimed in, patting Donghyuck’s shoulder. He melted. “Jungwoo found them making out on the couch.”
Mark turned red. “Th-that’s not, uh-”
“And yet he didn’t leave when the fun was starting,” Yuta winked at him. “Don’t worry, Markie. I bought his silence.”
“Don’t do any of that while we are in the kitchen,” Minjun narrowed his eyes at Yuta.
“I would never. That’s what my room is for,” Yuta smirked and Mark punched his arm. “It’s true!”
Donghyuck noticed Mark’s backpack on another chair and his laptop on the dining table. Months before it would have annoyed him to some degree: he spent more time than he could dream of inside Minjun’s space, interacted with him way more than he did as he didn’t text Minjun often as he was busy, and simply saw him way more than he did. But he realized he didn’t mind. Since that night, he needed some space. He might not know from what, or why it was all related to Minjun and his feelings for him, if that was the case, but he found his jokes with Minjun weren’t what he used to. They were blighted somehow.
Mark whispered something in Yuta’s ear and he exchanged a look with Minjun instantly. Yuta quickly kissed the top of Mark’s head and dragged Minjun to the kitchen. Minjun touched his arm before leaving. It was a soft gesture. Warm.
His heart was wretched by it.
“We can turn the lights on,” Mark offered as the living room was barely illuminated by the light of the TV. Donghyuck shook his head — he had never liked the cold and the darkness, but lately, he was more comfortable with it in ways that would be non-existent in the past. His mood and his thoughts didn’t speak of anything else.
“So, I have the feeling Renjun will go tomorrow to Jeno’s flat,” Mark rubbed his neck. Donghyuck didn’t move an inch. “He replied with a thumbs-up and all.”
“Looking for the meaning of some emoji?” Donghyuck teased, but his expression was still cautious. “Huang Renjun so cryptic as always.”
“Are you ready for that? Because he will understand if you don’t want him there.”
He and Mark weren’t the same anymore, either. But he appreciated him at that exact moment more than he could put into words as if something was slowly mending between them. It was unusual for people to notice his bad moods, too convinced they existed in another dimension that didn’t include him. There was always restless energy inside him that needed an outlet, full of teasing and easy laughter that it was inconceivable he would need to put his head down from time to time. Hurt, anger, resentment, all of that was so unlike him. Lee Donghyuck wouldn’t be himself if he hold onto any of that.
Their friendship was proof of that. Mark had hidden so many things from him, asking for understanding and patience but limiting what Donghyuck could do. So Donghyuck couldn’t help but do the same; not in some sort of twisted game, but more in a natural response. Mark guessed he and Renjun had fought seriously, but he didn’t give up on the idea of Renjun coming around, of he and Donghyuck bickering again as they often did. Of them fixing what was damaged, without considering the idea that something between them had broken into pieces and Donghyuck would bleed if he tried to touch it.
Mark didn’t know that it had not been a typical fight, that Donghyuck didn’t utter a word as Renjun turned a part of him to dust — he wanted to say it was his heart, or his mind, or something deeper than that, but it all was tangled and… he simply was paralyzed. He just stood there, watching silently as his worst fear came to life: Renjun giving up on him, deciding he truly was all the things everyone said about him. Lee Donghyuck was too much, unable for a quiet and normal love, exhausting for anyone who was around him more than necessary.
He drained everyone and everything, and Huang Renjun was not the exception. He was just brave enough to say it.
It was almost odd how he could picture Renjun’s face so vividly. He had known Renjun in so many ways, all of them so lovely to him, that seeing him that way completely replaced all of them. As if there hadn’t existed a Renjun throwing his head laughing at something he said, or a Renjun fighting him playfully. Or a Renjun with secrets in his eyes.
There was only a Renjun who hated him.
“I just…” Mark sighed. “I just want you two to fix things, you know? It can help you both.”
The thing was that in the darkest corner of his mind there was the echo about how whatever had happened between Renjun and him was not meaningless. That it tore something fragile, unable to fix. No matter how much Donghyuck wanted to try after all the hurt and anger, and all the things that festered because Renjun’s every word was safely suppressed, there was no way he could do it if every door to Renjun was permanently closed.
Somedays he wondered what would happen if it became a contest of who was going to hit the hardest or wound the deepest until their friendship was severed and full of bloodstains, or Renjun would finally tell him why he hated him so much, but then Donghyuck was himself again and all of it was a fleeting dream.
The reality was much crueler: despite all his teasing, gentleness was his only answer to Huang Renjun.
He could stab him, so full of malice, as he did, and yet Donghyuck’s first thought would be about how stunning he looked while doing it.
It was not the first time he fought with any of his friends or said awful things to each other but he never counted on Renjun out of all people to give up on him. To see him on an empty street, a birthday party behind them with the laughter of two people in love traveling softly in the place, and decide Donghyuck was not worthy of his time anymore.
Had he expected it? Not at all. Was he surprised? The answer was the same.
But Renjun was the owner of a special spot in his mind, a truly vulnerable one, and Donghyuck dealt with the loss of it every day.
Was he ready to see Huang Renjun again? He was not sure. But he should keep it fun and light-hearted. For everyone’s sake.
For his sake.
It wouldn’t be the first time he saw him since that night anyway.
“Yeah, as long as Jisungie is happy,” Donghyuck said at the end. “He misses him.”
“Yeah, he does,” Mark stood up and repeated, “If you don’t want Renjun there-”
“Are you saying you would take my side?” Donghyuck couldn’t help but ask.
“Do I need to take a side?”
Donghyuck said nothing.
“I’m getting hungry. I’ll go with Illie-hyung.”
“Hyuck-”
“You kept your secrets so I keep mine, hyung,” Donghyuck turned around. “Illie-hyung!”
Minjun smiled when he saw him enter the kitchen. It clutched his heart. It was warm indeed.
As Yuta went back to the living room, ruffling Donghyuck’s hair, Minjun and Donghyuck fell into a comfortable silence until he surprised him by saying, “Is everything okay, Hyuckie? You’ve been…distant.”
Donghyuck didn’t know how to react — should he go for a flirty comment? To distract Minjun by throwing himself at him? Should he…
“Just been busy, hyung. Don’t worry about me. You’re too pretty for that.”
Sloppy, but worked. Minjun seemed doubtful for a moment but then smiled at him and the moment was over. Donghyuck’s hands trembled slightly. It was all okay.
“Did you get someone to go with you to that art thing of your friend’s?”
“Not yet. Will ask Jaem tomorrow. He draws… I mean, he could try. Better than Jeno for sure.”
One of Donghyuck’s friends was going to host some sort of painting date for couples and he was scared no one was going to show up regardless of the past ones being successful. Even Mark and Yuta had attended a few weeks ago with his friend so enamored by Yuta that Mark was complaining via text. Donghyuck didn’t have anyone to go to as they would have to pretend to be a couple, and if it wasn’t because his friend told him he could go for free and win something, he wouldn’t be in this situation to start with.
“Isn’t Huang Renjun good at drawing-?”
“I think he would prefer dying than being close to me,” Donghyuck blurted out, surprising them both. The way Donghyuck said it was not playful at all. He coughed. “I mean, he’s busy. We don’t hang out that much either.”
Minjun could become pretty awkward with those sentimental situations, so Donghyuck didn’t need him thinking his state was related to Huang Renjun in any form. Donghyuck himself couldn’t even accept it.
“So,” Donghyuck continued. “I mean, tomorrow we’re going to see each other. Maybe I’ll ask.”
“Are you two…?”
“We’re good, Illie-hyung,” Donghyuck assured, not wanting to look like a child in his eyes either. Donghyuck had handled it well. “We just don’t connect as we used to.”
“Yeah, that can happen,” Minjun nodded, but he didn’t press for more details. “Help me with this.”
The conversation died there.
And Donghyuck was sure he would never be ready to face Huang Renjun ever again.
3:50 a.m.[Hyuck]: renjun, talk to me.
3:50 a.m.[Hyuck]: renjun, i know you didn’t mean it.
3:51 a.m.[Hyuck]: renjun, don’t do this to me.
4:10 a.m.[Hyuck]: i’m sorry.