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i never had nobody and no road home
Gray was twelve when Natsu left a crack in his defenses for the first time. He’d been a member of Fairy Tail for four years now, and he got by just fine by keeping his distance. It was easier this way—to keep everyone at arms’ length. His heart wouldn’t break again if he didn’t care about anyone. He was fine .
“Why do you sit by yourself all the time? You some kinda loner or somethin’?” Natsu asked him bluntly, plopping down next to the ice mage by the riverbank. The younger boy had only been at the guild for a year, and he was continuously getting on every last one of Gray’s nerves.
“Go away, Ash Breath.” he muttered, curling in on himself as the dragon slayer’s green eyes practically bore into his soul. He felt naked whenever Natsu looked at him, like the fire mage was seeing past all of his skin and bones and peering into his broken, bruised heart.
“I just wanna know why you won’t spend time with anyone else.” Natsu continued, watching with interest as the other boy shivered beneath his stare. He reluctantly unraveled his scarf, draping it over Gray’s neck. Didn’t the idiot know that ice mages don’t get cold?
“Why do you care?” Gray scowled in response, though he made no effort to remove Igneel’s scarf—he’d seen the damage to Laxus’s arm when the blonde tried to swipe it from Natsu on his very first day at Fairy Tail; he knew better than to rip it off and throw it to the ground like he desperately wanted to.
“I just do.” the dragon slayer said simply, leaning forward to headbutt the older boy’s shoulder. “So are you gonna answer my question, or what?”
Gray didn’t know him well enough to go into the details of his past. Everything was still so fresh and so new; the pain cut deep, as if he’d lost everything just yesterday. Even still, opening up a little wouldn’t do any harm, right? It was just to get Natsu to shut up, nothing more.
“I lost my family, so it’s just easier this way.”
Natsu hummed thoughtfully, his forehead still pressed against Gray’s bare skin. He gave up on worrying about losing his clothing; at this point all that mattered was that he wasn’t naked in public.
“Isn’t it exhausting to pretend like your heart doesn’t wanna, like,” he paused, smoke exiting his mouth as he exhaled. Asshole. “I dunno. Words are hard.”
“You’re an idiot.” Gray told him, though he knew what Natsu meant. His heart still yearned for a home.
He was decidedly not fine.
i wanna be somebody to someone
Gray was thirteen when he realized that perhaps home didn’t have to be a place. He frowned as he surveyed the scene in front of him, blood seeping through the cloth that Natsu was holding up to his nose. His eye was bruised, the twisted and jagged lines of black and blue and purple matching the marks on Gray’s fists. It wasn’t often that the two of them got into a fight this bad, but the dragonslayer had been incredibly annoying today.
“You’re an asshole.” Natsu said after Erza finally left the two of them alone in the infirmary. It was hard to take him seriously when his face was so puffy and swollen, but Gray tried.
“You started it.” So, maybe he wasn’t trying at all.
“How the hell did I start it?!” the fire mage asked indignantly, throwing his hands up in exasperation. The cloth fell from his face, and Gray winced at the dried blood trailing down his nose and onto his upper lip. He looked awful.
“You were being annoying.” the ice mage replied, choosing to ignore the desperation in the younger boy’s gaze. He couldn’t let it bother him; Natsu always had this weird way of getting him to lower his guard, but today would be different.
“Because you wouldn’t talk to me otherwise! What else was I supposed to do?” he questioned, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared at the other boy with so much conviction that it made Gray squirm in his seat.
“Maybe ask me what’s wrong, like a normal person?” he spat in response, satisfied with the flash of hurt dancing in the dragon slayer’s eyes.
“As if that’d work.” Natsu snorted, furrowing his eyebrows as he scowled. “You don’t ever open up.”
“That’s not true.” Gray blurted before he could stop himself, biting down on his tongue to keep from saying something even more incriminating.
“Yes, it is!” Natsu insisted, his frown forming into a pout, and his bottom lip jutted out in a way that made Gray’s heart do something funny in his chest.
“You know more than anyone else.” he whispered, looking down at his hands to avoid the inevitable pity. Natsu didn’t know much, in hindsight, but he’s always made Gray feel safe enough to share bits and pieces.
“Oh.” the fire mage said simply, and Gray’s shoulders sagged as silence enveloped them. He only looked up when the bed dipped next to him, and Natsu’s hair tickled his cheek. The warmth emanating from his skin should have burned, but it was surprisingly comforting. It was safe. It was home.
He stiffened at the realization, his breath catching in his throat as Natsu wordlessly rested his head on his shoulder.
The stillness of the quiet continued to cling to them like a wet blanket, thick and heavy and somewhat uncomfortable. Any unease disappeared when the dragon slayer spoke again.
“You know more than everyone else, too.”
and if the sun starts setting, the sky goes cold
Gray was fourteen when Natsu’s presence became his favorite source of comfort. It had been six years since he’d last seen Ur, since he’d last heard her voice.
“I’ll seal your darkness.” she had said.
“What a load of shit.” Gray thought aloud, bitterness heavily settling over him, so cold that he couldn’t ignore the chill creeping up his spine.
“What is?” Natsu asked suddenly, scaring the absolute fuck out of the ice mage. He let out a shriek as he fell off of his bed, glaring at the dragon slayer when he poked his head out over the blankets.
“What the hell are you doing in my room?” Gray asked instead of answering, his eyebrows furrowed.
“You smell sad.” the fire mage replied with a shrug, flopping ungracefully onto his bed. Gray frowned, climbing back up onto the mattress and shoving Natsu to the side.
“What does that even mean?” he questioned, ignoring the other boy’s grumbles of protest as he continued pushing him until the unnatural warmth of his skin was far enough away.
“‘Could smell your tears.” Natsu elaborated, pouting as he attempted to scoot closer to the ice mage as they spoke. He was strangely affectionate when the two of them were alone, often trying to nuzzle against Gray’s hand much like a cat would. Rather than start up another fight so late at night, Gray just let him do as he pleased.
“Something is wrong with you.” he said to save face, though he knew that it was pointless. Natsu already knew that he’d been crying, already knew that something was wrong.
“Says you.” Natsu replied, childishly sticking his tongue out. He let it go quiet between them before he opened his stupid mouth again, privy to the darkness in Gray’s heart. “Why are you sad?”
“None of your damn business.” the ice mage bit out in reply as he attempted to shove the younger boy again, but the dragon slayer reached out and wrapped his arms around Gray’s waist. “What the fuck, Natsu? Let go!”
“No!” the fire mage shouted, growling as Gray tried to push him off. “You’re sad and I can’t just let you sit here alone!”
“Then let go of me and sit somewhere else!”
“No!”
The two of them fought some more, pushing and pulling until they inevitably tumbled off of the bed and onto the floor. Natsu landed on top of Gray, the warmth of his skin searing as the older boy struggled to put space between the two of them.
Natsu Dragneel never knew when to give up, and usually that was a good thing. It was nice to have someone to rely on in the heat of battle, someone that would never let you go down without a fight. Right now, though, Gray felt the furthest from himself. He didn’t feel like fighting, and Natsu knew it.
Anger bubbled up in his chest as the fire mage made no effort to fucking move, so he took matters into his own hands and swapped their positions, staring down at the green eyes that haunted his thoughts whenever his mind gave him a break from his demons. Natsu’s hands, warm and familiar, flew to Gray’s hips, holding on for dear life as the ice mage’s chest heaved above him.
Natsu flinched as Gray punched the floor, fresh tears stinging his eyes as they slid down his cheeks and landed on the dragon slayer’s skin. Everything hurt and he was alone, and he wanted the ground to swallow him whole. He wanted to die in peace, and Natsu wouldn’t let him.
Gentle hands rubbed the tension out of his shoulders as he sobbed, his voice cracking around a whine as the younger boy tugged him down into a comforting embrace. He was uncharacteristically silent, holding Gray until his tears gave out. It was safe, and it was home.
Gray didn’t like the way his heart stuttered in his chest.
then if the clouds get heavy and start to fall
Gray was fifteen when Gildarts left for the 100-year quest, and he hadn’t seen Natsu in over a week. It was strange, to go from seeing someone every day to not at all, and the ice mage didn’t like how quiet the guild was without him. Everything felt different, wrong.
He found the dragon slayer out by the riverbank, sitting in the stream as rain started up and gently sprinkled down onto them.
“Hey, Pinky.” Gray said simply, taking a seat next to his friend in the water. Were they friends? he briefly wondered, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. Sure, he knew how he felt about Natsu, uncertain feelings and all, but that didn’t mean the fire mage felt the same way. The two of them were literally fire and ice, night and day. They fought every step of the way, and at every turn. Was that friendship?
“What do you want, Gray?” the lack of a nickname shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. His shock must have been evident on his face, because Natsu snarled out his next question. “I said what the fuck do you want?”
“I’m worried about you.” Gray replied dumbly, blinking a couple of times as the rain started pouring down harder. “I know you’ve been looking for Igneel for years now, and Gildarts just left, so—”
“So what? You think your presence magically makes everything better?” the fire mage snapped, his hair falling into his face as the water weighed it down. “You’re not anything special, so why did you think I wanted to see your stupid face?”
Gray was punching Natsu before he could even think of a proper response, his knuckles throbbing from how hard that idiot’s skull was. The younger boy just stared at him, hatred and fear dancing dangerously around the flames in his eyes, green irises bright like a forest on fire; yet Gray had never felt more seen .
“Fuck you.” the ice mage spat, rising to his feet. “I came to check in on you because I care about your dumb ass, but I’m not gonna let you treat me like shit. Enjoy your stupid pity party.”
A warm hand grabbed his ankle when he tried to walk away, pulling him back down into the river with a splash! Thunder boomed overhead, the rain making it hard to see when he resurfaced.
“Don’t go.” Natsu whispered, and Gray barely heard him over the storm. “I can’t lose you, too.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Ashes.” he replied softly, scooting closer and wrapping a protective arm around the younger boy. Neither of them were particularly good with words, but actions meant more anyway. They spoke with their fists, and Gray’s was currently tugging Natsu closer until his tears were mixing with the raindrops on his skin.
So many words bubbled up and promptly died on the tip of his tongue, but it was okay. This was enough.
i really need somebody to call my own
Gray was sixteen when he dared to clue Natsu in on his feelings. It wasn’t a big revelation or a dramatic declaration of love. He’d only just recently come to terms with the fact that he was in love with Natsu Dragneel. He was in love with Fairy Tail’s resident idiot: a pink-haired dumbass who spoke too loud and too much, a fire mage with incredibly powerful magic that always pushed Gray to his limits, a best friend who knew him better than anyone else.
The thought made him sick.
The news of Lisanna’s death had only been circulating for a day before Natsu was knocking on the door to Gray’s room, not even waiting for an answer before shoving his way past the older boy and flopping onto the mattress. He’d grown a lot in the last year, and while he was still shorter than Gray was, the dragon slayer was certainly a force to be reckoned with.
Gray was quiet as he returned to his bed, humming softly when Natsu headbutted his palm for attention as soon as he’d sat down. He indulged him, running his fingers through the fire mage’s hair as they sat in comfortable silence. This had become a common occurrence following Gildarts’s departure, with Natsu seeking the ice mage out whenever he needed the reminder that someone was going to stay.
They didn’t say much when they sat like this, if anything at all, but Gray found that he didn’t necessarily mind. It was still so strange, to see this different and new side of his friend, but he liked it. If Natsu trusted him enough to let him in and see his vulnerability, then perhaps Gray could give a little, too.
“What do you think of when someone says the word home?”
“What kind of question is that?” Natsu asked, voice gravelly as he lifted his face from the blanket. He wordlessly scooted closer to Gray, resting his head on his lap as he curled up around the older boy’s legs much like a cat would. A purr rumbled in his chest as a hand joined the other, Gray’s fingers gently scratching his scalp.
“I think of you.” he told him, stiffening when the dragon slayer’s eyes lifted to look up at him. Panic rapidly welled up inside of him at how easily the confession had left his lips, and he was sure that Natsu could hear how fast his heart was beating. “I mean, I think of everyone in Fairy Tail, ya know? But no one else has been a constant like you have.”
“I know what you mean.” the fire mage replied, tone atypically soft. “You’ve always been there for me, too.”
“I dunno, I guess home really hasn’t been a place for me, so much as it is a person. ”
“Oh yeah?” Natsu’s voice was teasing, but the purring in his throat only got louder as the two of them spoke. “You tellin’ me that I’m your home, Ice Princess?”
A pause.
“And if you are?” Gray swallowed down his fear, knowing that this could make or break everything. It was silly, to let Natsu of all people freak him out so badly, but he couldn’t help the anxiety that had made itself at home in his brain whenever the younger boy was concerned.
“Then I’d tell you that you’re mine.” he said easily, smiling up at Gray like he hung the moon and all of the stars. Gray found that to be oddly fitting, because Natsu would always be his sun.
i wanna be somebody to someone
Gray was seventeen when he kissed Natsu for the first time. It had been a very mundane day, which was rare for Fairy Tail. Erza had tried to convince him and Natsu to join her on a job, to no avail, which meant that they had to entertain themselves.
He would have been content with drinking with Cana until nightfall, but the dragon slayer had busted into the guild, much more riled up than usual. This level of passion was usually directed at Gray, and he found himself wondering why Natsu was so enraged.
He didn’t have to wait long for an answer.
“Hey Ice Princess!” the fire mage shouted as the door rattled behind him, pointing at Gray with such conviction that he couldn’t keep his eyes from widening in bewilderment at the scene in front of him. It wasn’t often that Natsu surprised him nowadays. “You. Me. Riverbank.”
And as quick as he’d shown up, he was gone; everyone currently sitting in the guild hall shared amused looks before every pair of eyes settled onto the ice mage. He sighed in response, downing the last of his drink before standing up and following his friend’s trail.
“Gray, your clothes!” Mirajane called after him, her laughter floating outside even as he waved her off and ignored the fact that he was shirtless. He was so used to losing his shirt by the end of the day, and he often debated on showing up without it.
It’s not like anyone would really care, though something told him that they enjoyed having to remind him to put his clothes back on. Who was he to rob them of such a simple pleasure?
He snorted at the thought as he made his way to the riverbank, his hands in his pockets. His thoughts drifted back to Natsu, as they always did when he had nothing else to focus on, and he couldn’t stave off his curiosity. What could his Flame Brain possibly want?
Gray stopped just before the clearing that led to where Natsu wanted to meet him, eyebrows furrowing. Since when did he refer to the dragon slayer as his? Was that a recent development? Had he always felt this way?
“I can smell you, snowflake! Get your ass over here!”
“Don’t get your panties in a twist!” Gray called back, cackling as the fire mage’s cries of protest reached his ears. It wasn’t long until he’d reached their spot, his heart warming at the fact that no one else would have Natsu like this.
God, he was full of possessive thoughts today. Something was clearly wrong with him, because never had he felt so strongly wherever the younger boy was concerned. At least, he liked to think that he had never felt this way before. Perhaps he had always been greedy when Natsu was involved, monopolizing his time and attention even when it wasn’t necessarily deserved.
“Helloooooo, Earth to the pervy popsicle!”
“Shut up, you overgrown lizard.” Gray retorted, nearly jumping out of his skin at the volume of the fire mage’s voice. “I’m five feet away; there’s no need to shout.”
“I dunno.” Natsu replied cheekily, grinning at the older boy with his canines poking out. Gray hated how cute he was. “You were really in your head about somethin’. Thinking about something in particular?”
“At least I know how to use my brain, dumbass.” He moved to get into the proper stance for a fight, his hands ready to cast his favorite spells. “Why aren’t you in position?”
“Because I didn’t call you here to fight, duh.”
“Huh?”
He stood up straight again, raising an eyebrow as the dragon slayer smiled sheepishly, almost… shyly. When was Natsu ever shy?
“I need your help with something… I didn’t know who else to ask.” the younger boy admitted, eyes falling to the ground as he toed at a rock. It was weird to see him so withdrawn and careful, so afraid of what Gray might have to say.
“I mean, yeah.” he said dumbly, bottom lip jutting out in a pout as he tried to wrack his brain for what Natsu could need help with. If not fighting, then what? “I guess I can help you out with whatever it is.”
“Good!” the dragon slayer’s smile was back, and relief filled the ice mage’s lungs like a breath of fresh air. “You have to promise that you won’t make fun of me.”
“That’ll be difficult, Ashes. You’re kind of stupid.”
“Gray, please.”
He didn’t like the effect that Natsu’s whine had on him, so he just sighed dramatically instead of allowing his thoughts to travel somewhere else entirely.
“Fine, I promise.”
It was silent for a moment as the two of them stared at one another, Natsu’s mouth opening and closing as he seemed to struggle with what to say. If he wasn’t so confused, maybe Gray would have teased him for it. It was a good thing that he bit his tongue, or else he would have missed Natsu’s next words.
“Can you kiss me?”
“I’m sorry?” Gray coughed, unsure that he had heard that correctly. “Can you repeat that?”
“I want you to kiss me.” Natsu said, biting down on his lip as he looked up at the ice mage. “Laxus was being stupid, and he made fun of me for not knowing anything about girls or kissing, or whatever the hell he was on about! I don’t know! I just didn’t know who else to ask and—”
His rambling was cut off by a squeak when Gray closed the distance between them and kissed him. Natsu was warm, so much warmer than he’d been whenever they shared a bed. His skin felt like sunshine on a cold day, like hot chocolate when snowflakes fell into your hair, like home.
That weird dragon slayer purring of his was back, and the older boy couldn’t fight a laugh. He tilted his head back from the force of it, shoulders shaking when Natsu started laughing, too. It took them a while for their giggles to die down, the both of them out of breath and gulping down every precious intake of air like they had never breathed before.
“Can you…”
“Hm?”
“Can you kiss me again?” Natsu’s voice was quiet, vulnerable. And god, Gray would do anything for the fire mage if he asked. Lucky for him, he would kiss him over and over again until he was sick of it.
He just hoped that Natsu wanted this as badly as he did.
someone to you
Gray is eighteen, and he doesn’t want to waste any more time. Waking up following the events of Tenrou was strange, everything was strange, and he still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that it had been seven years since they’d first left Magnolia for the S-Class trial.
Despite the fact that he desperately wanted to greet Bisca and Alzack and everyone else who came to retrieve them, Gray needed to find Natsu. He was up and running before he knew it, his legs carrying him to where he could hear Natsu's shouting. They’d lost seven years of their lives, seven years that he could have spent loving the fire mage if he had just told him how he felt sooner.
He had a feeling that Natsu was at least somewhat aware of his feelings, but he had ash for brains, so it really was impossible to tell what stuck and what didn't.
Maybe it was stupid, to need to see the dragon slayer so badly, but Natsu made him anything but rational. A battle was not won until he met Natsu’s eyes and saw for himself that he was safe. Nothing was worth celebrating if Natsu wasn’t there to scream his enthusiasm at the top of his lungs. Life was not worth living if he didn’t have Natsu by his side.
Such a thought was startling, because Gray had never once allowed himself to voice the depths of which he cared for Natsu Dragneel.
He started running faster.
“Natsu!” he exclaimed when pink hair was finally in his sights.
“Gray?” the fire mage didn’t get the chance to say anything else, because Gray tackled him to the ground without a care in the world, too caught up in the intensity of his emotions to give a shit about any injuries. “Jeez, Popsicle Pants; I get that it’s been seven years since we last saw one another, but you don’t need to be so excited.”
“Yes I do,” Gray told him breathlessly, straddling his hips as he looked down at the boy he loved. “I’m tired of waiting.”
“Waiting for what?” Natsu whispered, his fingers finding their place along the ice mage’s hip bones. Suddenly he was fourteen again, staring down at the dragon slayer as they sat on the floor of his room. He was fourteen, wanting—fiercely wanting, more than anything—to tell Natsu that he loved him.
So he did.
“I love you, Flame Brain.” his voice was quiet, and he knew that anyone close enough to them was watching on in curiosity, likely waiting with baited breath because this was Gray and Natsu. They were always at one another’s throats, even after the many heartfelt moments that they had shared over the years. They were always dancing around each other, like a yin and yang delicately treading the line of balance. It was an eternal game of tug and war, pushing and pulling until one of them was bound to snap.
Gray never thought he’d be the first to break.
“I love you too, Ice Princess.” Natsu replied, his voice tight as tears welled up in his eyes. And then Gray pulled him up by Igneel’s scarf, kissing him like his life depended on it.
And maybe it did.
He had spent years imagining what this moment would be like, and never did he think it would be so rushed, nor so desperate. But everything was intense when Natsu was involved, and Gray should have known better than to think otherwise. It was why the two of them worked so well.
The ice mage couldn’t fight a laugh, just like he had been unable to the last time they were in this position.
“What’re you laughin’ about this time?” Natsu asked in disbelief, green eyes wide and watery as he blinked away tears. The burning behind Gray’s own eyes told him that he was no different.
“Fire and ice.” he said simply, chuckling as he leaned down to kiss Natsu once more. “Who’d have thought?”