Work Text:
it's always during their comebacks.
it's always during their comebacks that changbin loses his composure, loses himself. he forgets what reality he's in, and why he's here. he forgets that cameras are watching, forgets that everyone has their eyes on him. so he has to make sure his facade stays strong. he can't let it fall.
however, he also forgets he has a boyfriend who knows everything, even if it's unspoken. his beloved chan. his perfect, gorgeous chan. he doesn't know what he did that made him deserve such a loving man, but he's not complaining. chan's the type of person who will listen to anything at any time, especially with changbin. sometimes the younger will stumble into his room late at night. sometimes he'll be crying, other times he'll stumble to the bed. neither of them have to say anything, as chan simply scoots over to make room for his boyfriend and holds him close until they both fall asleep. sometimes changbin sits in the studio, pulling his hair out of frustration and throwing things across the room. chan walks in, and his aura causes a wave of peace to wash over the room. they finish composing songs together whenever the other gets frustrated.
so when changbin stumbles into chan's room at four in the morning on one of their days off, it's not a surprise.
chan wakes up when he hears the door open, and when he sees who it is, he automatically scoots over and lifts the blanket. changbin lays down in the empty spot, wiggling into chan's arms and sighing out of content. well, it's not really content. he's happy where he is right here and now, but he's not exactly content. he isn't satisfied with anything at the moment. his thoughts are painfully loud and there's a constant buzzing in his ears. he's not okay, nor content. but he can't mention that right now, not when chan is at peace and finally has a bit of the weight that comes with being a leader off of his shoulders.
"sleep," chan mumbles sleepily, interrupting the loud voices in the other's head. the other can only shake his head frantically and bury his face further into the older's chest. "can't, can't sleep," changbin whispers. he wants to tell chan. he wants to let everything out and tell chan about how he's hanging on by a thread. he wants to sob into chan's chest and listen as he takes the world off changbin's shoulders with just a few words. but he can't, he won't. not right now. not when it's four in the morning and chan, for once, is getting much needed sleep.
chan opens his mouth to say something, but before anything comes out, changbin shuffles out of his arms and quickly leaves the room. chan can't help but frown at how the spot next to him is now empty, but he goes back to sleep. not before he hears a door slightly slam shut and makes a mental note to check up on changbin first thing in the morning. it's grown into a habit for him, anyway.
chan wakes up the next morning, and stumbles into the living room before doing anything else. he subconciously does a head count in his head. jisung's on the couch, scrolling on his phone. hyunjin's leaning on his shoulder, still asleep. jeongin's vacuuming the floors and felix is wiping the kitchen counter. minho is at the stove, cooking something that is no doubt going to be delicious. seungmin's helping him. someone's missing. someone isn't present. someone's—
changbin. it's changbin. changbin isn't anywhere. not on the couch, not cleaning, not at the stove, not in the bathroom, nowhere.
"have you guys seen changbin?" chan asks, voice hoarse and groggy. after all, he'd just woken up a few seconds ago.
"saw him leave in the morning, went to the studio," hyunjin mumbles. chan asks him to repeat, and jisung says it again but louder. at that, chan quickly freshens up, slips on some shorts and a hoodie, and heads out the door, but not before minho gives him a 5 minute long lecture about how chan should be eating right after he freshens up. chan leaves after that. he walks around the building, his head jumbled up with ridiculous clusters of thoughts about where the hell changbin could be. he comes up with two possibilities: his studio, or changbin's favorite cafe down the street that he hides in after the group has an argument. he figures it's much more likely for changbin to be at his studio, so he checks there first.
chan is right. changbin is in his studio, sitting in chan's chair and looking up at his big screen. he's playing around with some audio tracks and fiddling with the keys on the small piano. he was clearly concentrated, since he almost jumps out of his chair when he sees chan standing there. the first thing chan notices when they meet eyes are the bags under changbin's eyes. they're dark.
"did you sleep?" chan asks. changbin shakes his head. "couldn't sleep. decided to just work instead," he mumbles. chan just takes a seat on the couch and watches as changbin puts his whole heart into coming up with a melody. a stupid smile crawls onto his lips when he sees changbin smile after finally coming up with a solid instrumental. he slowly turns the chair around to face chan, his gaze on the ground instead of his boyfriend. "could you— uh.." changbin hides his face in his hands, and chan doesn't know whether it's out of embarrassment or because he doesn't know how to say what he needs to. instead of speaking any further, changbin instead hands him a paper labeled "streetlight lyrics." chan's heart drops right away when he sees the first few lines at the start of a long verse.
i don't want anyone to see how incredibly weak i am
to people who relied on me, that's a contradiction
acting like i'm strong, acting like nothing is wrong, acting like i'm not hurting
i just wanted to be someone else's strength
chan gulps rather loudly, causing changbin to curl up in his seat. chan pulls him closer and keeps reading.
i can't let it out, i can't let it all out
and the pain i couldn't let out starts blaming myself
when i keep breathing in this stale air
it goes beyond uncomfortable and i'm left gasping for air
chan is quite literally speechless. he doesn't know what to say. he just wants changbin to be happy, to be okay.
he assumes changbin wants to be okay as well when tears spill from his eyes. he quietly pulls the younger off the chair and into his lap, shushing him and rubbing his back. "shh, it's alright, hyung's here. channie's here. i'm not going anywhere." changbin's sobs soon break free from his throat, and the wet spot on chan's shirt only grows. but it's okay, because he's going to help changbin be okay. then they'll both be okay, and everything will be okay.
"i'm sorry, i should've— i was going to tell— tell you.. but—"
"it's okay, baby. at least you told me at all. i'm so proud of you for telling me, bin." chan presses a kiss to the other's forehead. "you can always tell me anything. i'll hold your hand whenever you need it. you're worth everything to me, changbin."
changbin's okay, chan's okay. they're both okay, everything's okay.
the streetlight on the lonely, dark, abandoned street only glows brighter. it's comforted by the company of the other streetlight just across the street. it shines just as bright.