Work Text:
Lawrence has never been in love. Despite having been married for well over a decade, he’s never had that experience. This is something he’s learning to come to terms with as a person.
(Don’t get him wrong, he loved, and still loves frankly, Alison in his own way. But he’s coming to the realization that he was never truly in love with her for the entire duration of their marriage.)
Maybe that’s why it takes him so long to realize he’s in love with Adam.
They slot together well from the beginning, which Lawrence finds surprising by itself. They’re extremely different people in a variety of ways, but they fit together well in ways that Lawrence appreciates.
(They sleep in the same bed, learn each other’s schedules, make an effort to be in each other’s lives. Many people, namely trashy tabloid stories, view Adam as a charity case, but they couldn’t be more wrong. Lawrence needs Adam around as much, if not more, than Adam needs him.)
Still, Lawrence thinks nothing of his rapidly growing fondness for Adam, and his borderline dependence on Adam’s presence.
(It’s a feeling he’s not wholly unfamiliar with. He’s lived with other people for the entirety of his adult life, the idea of living alone is unappealing to him. That’s all, he figures, Adam provides company.)
…
As time goes on, Adam becomes more and more of a permanent fixture in his life. They don’t have any conversations about when Adam is going to move out and get his own place again, not even when Adam starts to look for employment options.
He introduces Diana and Adam, and they get along so well it fills Lawrence with joy. That feels like a turning point in their relationship, where he starts to think of Adam outside of the context of both their shared experience and his own desires.
Not to mention he feels when he’s around Adam. The way Adam can make him laugh like nobody else can. The way his heartbeat speeds up when Adam looks at him with just the right amount of fond exasperation in his eyes.
It makes him feel different than he’s ever felt before.
(Clearly, all of these feelings are purely coincidental. After all, he’s still reeling from his divorce and finding out he’s gay at roughly the same time. That’s a great deal for a person to process, he’s bound to be feeling a large amount of new feelings that he can’t place.)
…
It hits him on an otherwise uneventful morning. Adam is helping him cook that night's dinner, stealing bites of food in between when he thinks Lawrence won’t notice, and Lawrence’s chest feels full.
God, he loves him.
Something clicks into place inside him as soon as the thought passes through his brain and his world tilts on its axis, a sense of vertigo overtaking him rapidly.
He loves him. He loves him. He loves Adam.
“You okay Larry?” Adam says, sounding as nonchalant as ever as Lawrence stands still. As though Lawrence hasn’t just made the discovery of possibly his entire life.
He’s in love with Adam.
“Just fine.” He says, shaking his head slightly and putting on a smile that he hopes doesn’t look forced. Adam doesn’t seem to notice, given that he snatches another bite off of the pan and shoots Lawrence a grin.
(Nothing feels fine, everything feels far too much. But there’s no reason to act on that now, so he pushes it down and finishes the evening like normal. That night, however, he watches as Adam sleeps next to him, and replays the thought over and over like a broken record)
…
Once he’s aware of this, he struggles to figure out what to do with this discovery.
(He feels out of his depth. He’s a man in his forties, a doctor, a survivor, and he feels lost at how to express his feelings to another grown man. It’s as true as it is absurd.)
The most obvious answer, and the one he balks at, is tell Adam what he feels and move forward with that.
But there’s consequences to being honest. The first of which being that he makes Adam uncomfortable and drives him away.
(He’s very well aware of their age difference, and frankly, their financial difference. The last thing he wants is for Adam to feel pressured into a relationship. Even just the idea of that kills Lawrence inside.)
The worst thing, though, is the idea that he could ruin their friendship if Adam rejects him, or finds him presumptuous. He enjoys having Adam in his life as a companion.
Adam’s been open about his sexuality for as long as they’ve lived together, even before Lawrence had his own realization. Is it possible that Adam will think Lawrence’s feelings are misplaced, just a symptom of figuring himself out later in life?
(Lawrence wonders himself initially, is his attraction to Adam part of a larger net of trauma surrounding the bathroom? He decides against it, he appreciates Adam’s company and Adam as a person regardless of the bathroom. But there is that extra level of understanding that he gets from Adam that he can’t get from anybody else)
There’s no answers to any of his questions or any of his internal dilemmas. So he decides to keep this revelation to himself for the time being.
(It’s possible deflection and possibly self preservation, or possibly both.)
…
He sits in emotional limbo for a long time, stuck between what he wants and what feels right. Confessing feels intensely selfish, and Lawrence can’t deny it. But as time goes on, it becomes more and more difficult, and he can feel it weighing on his time with Adam.
He’s not as immersed as he usually is, he can feel the strain of the distance he’s putting between himself and Adam.
(He doesn’t completely avoid Adam of course, but he does stay late when he can or find excuses to be out of the apartment at odd hours. Sometimes he doesn’t come back until Adam is already asleep, and he slips into bed beside him. For a moment he considers moving to the couch, but he knows that and Adam both have nightmares when left alone. He won’t do that to him.)
It has to break eventually, and deep down he knows that.
“Somethings up with you.” Adam says one day, out of the blue as the pair of them are spending a quiet weekend evening together. They’re on the couch together, the closest they’ve been in at least several days.
“What?” Lawrence says. Adam sighs, and Lawrence can hear some of the frustration starting to creep into his voice when he speaks next.
“Larry, I’m not stupid. You’ve been acting super fucking weird recently.” Adam tells him, a small frown clouding his face. Lawrence can’t help but wince slightly at his words.
(Lawrence thought he was better at being subtle, but apparently he was wrong. It’s just like before, he realizes, his attempts at hiding were always noticed by those around him. He should’ve learned by now. )
“It’s like you don’t wanna be around me. If you’re sick of me hanging out I get it, but you gotta tell me that directly.” Adam looks ready for a fight, which Lawrence is completely uninterested in. He has no desire to fight Adam, and he has no desire for Adam to leave.
“No, no that’s not it at all. It’s not you.” Lawrence says. That statement is half true, it’s not about Adam for the most part, or at least it’s not anything that Adam has done. It’s about him and what he feels.
“Then what’s going on?” Adam demands. He sounds more than frustrated, he sounds hurt. That falls entirely on Lawrence, and he chastises himself for letting things get this far, for unintentionally hurting Adam rather than confronting his feelings directly.
(It’s far from second nature to him, addressing and identifying his emotions, but he knows he needs to get somewhere with it.)
“You deserve the truth Adam.” Lawrence says softly.
“Okay.” Adam says, looking like he’s using all of his energy to stay neutral. Lawrence takes a deep breath before even attempting to continue.
“I…” He can’t say it. The words won’t come out, they keep dying in his throat before he can say them.
(I love you. I want to be with you. I want you to love me back. These are all phrases that are crowding in his brain and attempting to come out of him to no avail.)
He must look as nervous as he feels, because he can see concern reflecting on Adam’s face and his expression softens dramatically. He no longer looks angry, which is a relief.
“Larry, what’s going on? You can tell me, promise.” Adam says, and the sincerity in his voice is enough for Lawrence to finally speak.
(This is the moment he’s both been waiting for and dreading in equal parts ever since that one unsuspecting dinner. He’s at a precipice and he needs to jump.)
“I…I have feelings for you.” He manages to force out, his eyes darting around to avoid looking at Adam’s face directly. The words hang between them for a solid second, and he finally sneaks a glimpse of Adam’s face.
“Lawrence…” Adam looks at him with wide eyes. Lawrence can count on one hand the number of times he’s seen Adam completely speechless.
“And I understand if you no longer want to stay here, knowing that-“ Lawrence continues on, once he has the ability to speak he needs to get every word out.
“Lawrence-“ Adam repeats.
“But I needed to tell you-“ Lawrence needs to finish, to get the last word in before Adam turns him down and he has to deal with the fallout of his confession.
(Before he has to deal with the possibility of Adam not wanting anything to do with him after this.)
“Lawrence!” Adam’s hands come up and hold each side of his face gently.
“Stop talking.” He says. Lawrence does. All he can feel is the light pressure of Adam’s hands below the curve of his jaw and the increasing thump of his own heartbeat in his ears, the roar of blood flowing through him.
“What-“ He starts to say. He’s not even sure what he wants to say, or what he should say. Out of his depth doesn’t even begin to cover what he feels right now.
Adam kisses him before he can finish, pressing his lips directly to Lawrence’s. It’s an almost tentative kiss at first, before Lawrence reciprocates and keeps them together. He almost can’t believe it’s happening, it feels like something he would dream up.
It’s maybe a little clumsy on his end, seeing as he’s never kissed a man, but he doesn’t care. It’s him and it’s Adam and it’s just the two of them in the world right now as his eyes close for a moment. Finally, Adam pulls back carefully.
“I like you too.” Adam says as soon as the kiss breaks.
“Oh.” Lawrence says, his eyes opening and his breath still catching up with him. Adam’s hands are still on his face and that’s what he’s focusing on.
“I’m gonna be honest, I’ve liked you for a really, really, really long time. Like, since I came over here that first night.” Adam admits, letting his hands drop from Lawrence’s face into his lap.
“Then why didn’t you say anything?” Lawrence asks, his head spinning a little from all the information he’s getting. The idea that he and Adam have been feeling the same thing for an extended period of time is almost incomprehensible to him.
“Christ, a million reasons. I didn’t wanna make things weird between us. I didn’t want you to be weirded out. And I just, I don’t know, I didn’t think you’d actually like me back.” Adam sighs.
(Lawrence hears all of his own anxieties reflected through Adam. For how different they are, it’s almost a comfort that they have the same worries.)
Guess I didn’t need to worry huh?” Adam says and Lawrence lets out a relieved huff of laughter in agreement. Not even in his most indulgently optimistic fantasies was the outcome of this conversation this good.
“Kiss me again?” Adam asks, and the eagerness in his voice borders on tangible. Lawrence is more than happy to oblige him.