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“Say something, please.”
Sirius had noticed Remus withdrawing over the past week or so, so when he asked him to sit down just now, part of him was expecting for Remus to end their relationship. He was so busy trying to prepare himself for the gutpunch, that it barely even registered what Remus actually had to say. However, slowly but surely the words are starting to get through to him, and although he’s relieved that Remus isn’t breaking up with him, he’s not sure what to make of this news.
“You’re pregnant?” he checks. “Are you sure? We used protection, didn’t we?”
“Well, I guess it didn’t work,” Remus snaps. “Because yes, I’m sure.”
“Right…” Sirius nods. The words are starting to register, but it hasn’t fully hit him yet just how big this is. Perhaps because Remus is so calm, or perhaps because he was so busy preparing himself for a break-up. Either way, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say, or how he’s supposed to react. Because this wasn’t supposed to happen. Not yet, anyway. It isn’t that things aren’t serious between them, or that it’s too soon - as they have known each other and spent almost every day together for the last few years. But they’re still in school, and they are still having to hide their relationship because Sirius’ family wouldn’t accept it. Having a baby would not only mean that they would probably have to drop out, but they would also have to tell their parents, and more likely than not, Sirius would be out on the street. Meaning he’d be homeless, he’d be out of school, without a job, and he’d have no way to provide for this baby.
As these things are going through his mind, it’s starting to register just how big this is. And he can feel his face flush, as Remus sits down next to him to grab his hand.
“How can you be so calm?” Sirius asks. “You’re…”
“Pregnant.” Remus nods. “I freaked out too, believe me.” He smiles crookedly as he looks down at their hands. “I mean, we’re sixteen, we’re not ready for a baby, are we?”
“We’re not.” Sirius confirms, but he’s not sure what that means exactly. Because ready or not, Remus is pregnant, and they have no choice but to deal with the consequences of their actions now.
“I can’t…” Remus hesitates. “What if it’s like me?”
“Rem…”
“No, what if it is?” Remus asks.
“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Sirius tries to reassure him, but truth be told, he doesn’t have a clue. They had always made sure to use protection, and they hadn’t ever discussed having kids. It was simply too soon for those kinds of things, and it was left for the future.
“I can’t have this baby, Sirius,” Remus whispers, his voice shaking.
Sirius realises where he is going with this, and from the look on Remus’ face he can tell that he is terrified to be having this conversation. That he is scared to find out what Sirius’ reaction will be, and that he freaked out after finding out he’s pregnant not only because that in itself was a shock, but because he feared that it would result in him losing both his best friend and his boyfriend.
“Rem, look at me.” Sirius cups his chin, making him look up. “I’m not ready to be a father, either. So if you’re saying what I think you’re saying…”
“I am.”
“Then I agree,” Sirius sighs, a knot in his stomach as the words leave his mouth. “We can’t take care of a baby, can we? I mean, James and Lily would help, and I’m sure Professor…”
“You can’t tell them.”
“I won’t,” Sirius quickly reassures him. “I’m just saying, if you do want to keep it, then we’ll figure out a way to take care of it, okay? I don’t want you to feel like you’re being forced into this, just because…”
“I don’t want to have this baby, Sirius,” Remus cuts in, his voice trembling as a tear rolls down his face. “I can’t.”
“Okay.” Sirius nods. “Then we’ll…” He hesitates, as he wipes the tear from Remus’ face. “We’ll have to tell someone, okay? Because I don’t know where we can go. Not without people finding out.”
It kills Sirius to see Remus crying, so he wraps his arms around him, and he holds him as tight as he possibly can without hurting him. He himself is feeling sick to his stomach, so he can’t even begin to imagine how Remus must be feeling right now.
“We’ll talk to McGonagall.”
“And if she tells Dumbledore?” Remus sniffles.
“Dumbledore won’t tell anyone,” Sirius whispers as he strokes the back of his neck. “We’ll take care of this,” he says, but as soon as he hears the words coming out of his mouth, he realises how wrong it sounds. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that this is…”
“I know,” Remus quickly says as he frees himself from his grip. He wipes his eyes on his sleeve, looking down at the ground, before checking, “Having an abortion is the right thing to do, isn’t it?”
Sirius still has a knot in his stomach, and as much as he would love to say that they can have this baby, and that they will be a happy family - that it’s all rainbows and sunshine from now on - he knows that this is real life. And the reality is that even if they wanted to have this baby, and they could be reassured that Remus can’t pass his lycanthropy on, they just wouldn’t be able to provide for a child.
“It is.” Sirius nods, reaching out to wipe another tear from Remus’ cheek. “But if you’re not sure…”
“I am.”
“Then we’ll talk to McGonagall,” Sirius says. “When you’re ready.”
They had put off talking to Professor McGonagall for almost a week, but in the end Remus was growing so anxious that Sirius couldn’t stand it any longer. They had had a long conversation about it, but they both knew it could only come to one conclusion. So that afternoon they had gone to see Professor McGonagall, and as scared as they were that she was going to be upset with them, they didn’t know who else to ask for help.
Minerva hadn’t gotten upset, though. She was worried, and she had talked to them for a long time to make sure that this was what they wanted. She had talked them through their options - this clearly not being the first pregnant couple to have come to her for help - but Remus and Sirius were sure of their decision. So Minerva had given them a name and an address, and no more information than that.
“Do you think McGonagall told this Evanthe that we’re coming?” Remus asks, as he checks the piece of parchment with her name and address on it once again.
“I’m sure she did,” Sirius says, wanting nothing more than to calm his boyfriend’s nerves. But he’s been worrying himself since the moment they left Hogwarts. Because who is this Evanthe, and how can they be sure that she can be trusted? For all they know they are about to walk into a trap, and soon enough everyone will know about the pregnancy and their relationship. Deep down Sirius knows that McGonagall can be trusted, but that doesn’t make him feel any less nervous.
“Sirius?”
“Mhm?”
“Thank you for coming with me.” Remus smiles faintly as he nervously grabs his hand.
“Thank you for letting me,” Sirius says. “You didn’t have to tell me.”
“Of course I did. You think I’d keep something like this from you?”
“No, but you didn’t have to ask me what I wanted. You could have done it behind my back, and I never would have known. So thank you for telling me,” Sirius says, squeezing his hand. “And for letting me be here for you.”
It doesn’t take long for them to get to the address, but once they get there, it takes them a moment to knock on the door. Once they go in, it becomes real.
“Rem…”
“I’m scared,” Remus admits. His hands are getting clammier by the second, but Sirius still doesn’t let go.
“Do you want to head back?”
“And come back next week?” Remus asks, looking up at the house. “You’ll come in with me, won’t you?”
“Of course.”
Remus takes a deep breath, before finally knocking on the door. Within seconds, an older woman opens the door, flashing them a friendly smile.
“Ah, there you are. Come on in.”
Sirius isn’t sure what he was expecting, but he definitely didn’t think he’d be sitting in Evanthe’s - or Eva as she told them to call her - living room right now, having a cup of tea. He thought they’d go to the address and find a cold, sterile clinic, or a dodgy rundown house. But not a cosy home, with pictures of Eva and what he presumes to be her family hanging on the walls.
“So…” Eva begins as she sets down her cup. “Minerva told me about your situation.”
“The…” Remus hesitates, and he quickly glances over to Sirius. “The pregnancy?”
“Yes.” Eva smiles. “That, and the rest.”
Remus blushes, clearly not sure how to feel about Eva knowing about his lycanthropy. But she hasn’t picked up her pitchfork to hunt him down just yet, and from the way she’s still smiling at them, it doesn’t look likely to happen either.
“So you know that no one can find out about this?”
“I know, Mister Black.” Eva reassures him. “What happens here, and what Minerva told me, won’t leave this room.”
Sirius can’t bear to think what would happen if his parents were to find out about their relationship. They had lost it when they found out that he was friends with Remus, and things were said that should never be repeated. So who knows what they would do if they found out that Sirius is planning to spend the rest of his life with this man?
Sirius wasn’t allowed to come into the room while Eva wanted to have a chat with Remus - or rather, when she wanted to talk him through the procedure and make sure that he had been the one to make the decision to come here. Sirius couldn’t stop pacing through the living room, because he promised Remus that he would be there for him, and all he wanted to do was hold his hand and give him some kind of comfort.
It feels like forever by the time Remus finally comes back into the living room, and it’s obvious that he has been crying.
“Are you okay? What did she do? Is she…?”
“I’m fine.” Remus smiles faintly as he sits down on the couch. “I’m just scared.”
“Where is she?”
“Checking my test results.”
Sirius joins Remus on the couch, and he pulls him into his chest. He holds him tight, and he presses a kiss into his hair, and even though it’s obvious that they’re both scared and upset, he can’t help but smile as Remus curls up in his arms.
“Did she tell you about the procedure?” Sirius whispers. He is softly stroking Remus’ back, and part of him wants to sit here in silence and pretend that none of this is happening. He feels sick to his stomach with guilt, even though he knows that they’re doing the right thing. But all his life he has been told that abortion is wrong, and even though he doesn’t share his parents’ opinion and he has made up his own mind about it, their words still make him feel like he should be ashamed to be here now.
“I’ll be put under,” Remus explains. “Normally there’s a potion, but with the lycanthropy…” He shrugs. “She thinks this is the safest way.”
“Can I be there with you?”
“No, but you can stay with me tonight. She wants me to stay to make sure I’m okay.”
A long silence follows, where only the ticking of the grandfather’s clock can be heard. But when they hear a door open, Sirius leans into Remus’ ear.
“Are you sure this is what you want?”
“Stop asking me that. I know you mean well, but just…” Remus snaps, as he sits back up. “Just don’t. It makes me feel like you want me to change my mind.”
“I don’t,” Sirius quickly tells him. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m sure, Sirius.”
Sirius gives a nod, part of him feeling relieved when Eva comes in to tell them that Remus’ test results look good - that she can take him upstairs to carry out the procedure right now. But another part of him wants to pick Remus up and carry him away from here as far as possible. Not because he wants him to have this baby, but because he doesn’t want him to have to go through this. He doesn’t want him to have to make decisions like this, and he doesn’t want him to have to go through the procedure. He doesn’t want him to have to deal with the emotional consequences, and he doesn’t want him to have to live with the memory of this for the rest of his life. But there is nothing he can do to change it now.
As soon as Eva took Remus away, Sirius went up to the room she had given them for the night. He couldn’t stop pacing, his mind running through all the possible scenarios, even though he knew full well that Remus would be just fine. But still he was more than a little relieved when Remus was brought into the room. He was still drowsy from being put under, so there hadn’t been a chance to talk. They had simply helped him into bed, and within seconds he was out again.
He has just woken up, though, and after Sirius has forced him to eat something, he lies back down.
“How are you feeling?” Sirius asks, as he reaches down to brush a lock of hair from Remus’ eyes. “Does it hurt?”
“Not really.” Remus looks up at him, and he tries his best to flash a smile, but more than anything, it looks pained. “Is it bad that I am relieved?”
“That it’s over?”
“That we did this,” Remus whispers, and Sirius can tell that he’s embarrassed to say it.
“No. I’m relieved too,” he admits.
“But?” Remus asks. “Come on, Sirius, I know you.”
“This isn’t about me.”
“It is. It’s about both of us,” Remus points out. “So don’t pretend. Not with me. Please.”
Sirius is trying his hardest to be strong for Remus, but as he lies down next to him, he can feel tears forming in his eyes.
“But I’m sad,” Sirius sighs. “I know we did the right thing, but I still feel sad.”
“Me too.” Remus nods, reaching out to grab Sirius’ hand. He moves in closer, and he lays his head on Sirius’ chest - something about being together right now, without having to pretend, the exact comfort they need.
“We’ll get another chance,” Sirius whispers, as he softly begins to stroke Remus’ back. “When we’re older, and we’re all settled… when we’re married…”
“Married?” Remus asks, smiling into his boyfriend’s chest.
“Mhm.” Sirius presses a kiss into his hair. “And when it’s the right time, we can start a family.”
“Do you want to have kids?”
“Of course. One day. Don’t you?”
“I’m not sure,” Remus admits. “I can’t risk them being like me.”
“We’ll figure it out. We still have plenty of time for all of that,” Sirius whispers, and when Remus looks up at him, smiling, his face flushes. “What?”
“I’m just glad you’re here.”
“Me too.”
As nice as it was to fantasise about the future, it didn’t stop Sirius from lying awake all night, worrying about Remus. Remus had seemed fine in the morning, though. A little sore and groggy, but by the time they left to head back to Hogwarts, he already seemed less anxious. Seeing that he was okay made Sirius finally feel like he could breathe again, and although his emotions were still all over the place after yesterday, he couldn’t deny that he was feeling better than he was before they went to see Eva.
“Where did you two sneak off to, then?” Lily smiles as they join her and James in the courtyard not long after getting back. “A romantic getaway?”
Remus gives a nod, but Sirius can tell that it’s taking far too much energy to fake a smile and to come up with a lie right now. That even though he’s relieved and ready for their lives to go back to normal, yesterday did take its toll on his emotions.
“What did we miss?” Sirius asks, as he pulls Remus in between his legs, and he pulls him close against his chest, wrapping his arms around his waist.
“You’re not going to tell us where you’ve been?” James laughs, but when Sirius just shrugs, he shares a confused look with Lily, before answering Sirius’ question. “Not much. Just the usual.”
“Well, actually, Peter tried to…,” Lily begins, the confusion as to where Remus and Sirius have been all weekend quickly forgotten about. And as they are listening to Lily and James, Remus leans back against Sirius’ chest.
“I love you,” Sirius whispers, and for a moment he thinks Remus hasn’t heard.
Until he looks around with the softest smile on his face, and he whispers, “I love you too.”