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“A-xuan,” Xie Lian called, and she looked up from her books, blinking her long lashes at him. “Are you free tomorrow? I think I need to go into town to pick up some new pants.” Xie Lian looked down at the ones he was currently wearing, the knees ripped and the seams coming apart.
Shi Qingxuan had declared herself his stylist already the first time they met, four months ago, in the dorm hallway, so it was only fair he asked her to come with him. They were dorm neighbours, both of them in their first year of college. They were currently in Shi Qingxuan’s room, Xie Lian sitting on her couch with his laptop open in his lap, Shi Qingxuan sitting cross legged on her bed, her own laptop before her.
“No, I have a thing with He Xuan tmorrown,” she said with a happy sigh, her eyes going a little dreamy. Xie Lian smiled. She had been trying to get He Xuan’s attention ever since the start of the semester. It seemed she had finally succeeded. “Why don’t you ask your boyfriend?” she suggested instead and looked back down at the screen, and Xie Lian frowned at her.
“My boyfriend?” he asked, just to make sure he had really heard what he thought he heard. Maybe he was mistaken. Shi Qingxuan looked up at him once again, one eyebrow raised as if he was the one saying odd things.
“Your boyfriend,” she said again, deadpan, as if this was something they both knew. “Hua Cheng,” she clarified, and Xie Lian’s heart flipped in his chest, his cheeks suddenly dreadfully hot.
“San Lang isn’t my boyfriend?!” he exclaimed, feeling awfully embarrassed. Why would she think such a thing?
“Uhm, yes he is?” she disputed, which made Xie Lian reel even more. He sat up straighter, and looked right at her with an expression he hoped was serious enough to tell her he wasn’t joking.
“Shi Qingxuan, I think I would know if San Lang was my boyfriend!” he argued, and she laughed for a moment, but then looked back at him, the giggling subduing as she blinked at him slowly.
“Wait, really?” she asked, looking well and truly shocked. Well. That made two of them.
“Really!” Xie Lian exclaimed. Shi Qingxuan looked like she was having a revelation, as if the world was tilting on its axis. Xie Lian frowned at her, wondering what had made her so sure of something which was so false.
“Woah, I have never seen two people I was more sure were together. Are you sure?” she asked, and Xie Lian had to laugh then, at the absurdity of the question.
“A-xuan,” he laughed, and she frowned, shaking her head.
“But you look at him like-” she started, and Xie Lian’s cheeks turned bright red once again, his chest filling with butterflies.
“Yes!” he cut her off, to try to save himself some face. “Just because I look at him like that doesn’t mean that-”
“Xie Lian it is not just you, he looks at you like that too,” Shi Qingxuan cut him off this time, looking more determined now, which was never a good thing. “I just assumed you weren’t big on public displays of affection or something.”
“San Lang is just sweet,” Xie Lian argued, because he was. He and Hua Cheng had known each other since high school, and were now attending the same university, even if they rarely had classes together. Hua Cheng was his best friend. So what if Xie Lian had been in love with him for years. Hua Cheng was just… he just made Xie Lian feel good about himself. He was sweet. It didn’t mean that they were dating.
“I hate to break it to you if you didn’t already know, but Hua Cheng is not sweet,” Shi Qingxuan stated plainly. “He is only sweet to you, which was sort of why I also just assumed you were together. Xie Lian you're always together,” she pointed out. Xie Lian crossed his arms, leaning back a little.
“So? I like spending time with San Lang,” he said feeling defensive suddenly, but he wasn’t sure why.
“Well, it seems like he likes to spend time with you too,” Shi Qingxuan pointed out, raising both her brows to prove her point.
“That doesn’t mean that he likes me like that ,” Xie Lian shot back. Shi Qingxuan did not look convinced.
“Okay, I would bet you all the money I have that he does,” she said with a shrug, and Xie Lian frowned, squirming a bit.
“I don’t do bets, I always lose,” he mumbled and looked away.
“Ha! See!” she exclaimed triumphantly, and Xie Lian groaned, falling back onto the couch and covering his eyes. After this conversation, he could absolutely not ask Hua Cheng to help him go shopping. Shi Qingxuan giggled as if she had won something, and Xie Lian sighed deeply.
He and Hua Cheng weren’t together. He knew they weren’t. Still, he couldn’t stop thinking about what Shi Qingxuan had said… and if others thought so too. Did the entire campus walk around believing that he and Hua Cheng were a couple? Xie Lian didn’t talk to that many, and he wasn’t really into all the gossip.
Hua Cheng always knew everything however.
If it had been anything else, Xie Lian would have texted Hua Cheng immediately, gotten a quick response, and then put the matter to rest. This though… he couldn’t just text Hua Cheng a question about if everyone on campus thought they were dating. It was far too embarrassing, and close to Xie Lian’s heart. Neither answer was a good one either, so that was a further indication that he couldn’t just text him. Xie Lian couldn’t stop thinking about it though. It turned over and over in his head, to the point of driving him a little mad. When he met Hua Cheng the next day, he couldn’t stop himself from asking.
“San Lang?” he said, as they stood hip to hip by Hua Cheng’s kitchen counter, doing the dishes. They had been quiet for a moment before, and it had allowed Xie Lian’s thoughts to run away with him once more. It had been fine during dinner, the conversations had just flowed then, as they always did. Now he had to ask. It felt like he was going to burst if he didn’t.
“Yes Gege?” Hua Cheng answered, in his calm and deep voice. Xie Lian didn’t look up at him. He would lose all of his nerve if he did. He took a deep breath, his shoulders rising and falling.
“Ah- I was- Well… It’s kind of embarrassing,” he started, feeling his own cheeks colouring by the thought of what he was about to say, about to ask. He couldn’t think about Hua Cheng’s reaction either. Would he simply laugh it off?
“I see, like that time when Gege got stuck in that bookshelf when he had just moved into the dorm, and this San Lang had to come and pull him out and-”
“No!” Xie Lian exclaimed, cheeks thoroughly flushed now. He looked over at Hua Cheng, who was grinning in that mischievous, charming way which always made Xie Lian’s heart pound in his chest. “San Lang, you’re making me blush!” he accused, which only made Hua Cheng grin wider.
“Sorry Gege,” he said, without sounding sorry at all. “You just look so cute when you do.” His grin widened, sharp and sweet all at once. “The bookshelf was fun too.”
“I’m sure you thought so,” Xie Lian muttered, looking away from him and down at the dishes again. He took a deep breath. Perhaps it was better not to ask what Hua Cheng thought about Shi Qingxuan’s question. Xie Lian had embarrassed himself enough in front of him as it was already. He scrubbed the cup in his hands, considering.
“Okay, so something embarrassing which isn’t related to bookshelves,” Hua Cheng said with a gentle bump of his hip against Xie Lian’s. Xie Lian looked up at him, and Hua Cheng smiled gently down at him. He was so good. Xie Lian knew, really, that Hua Cheng had never done anything to make him sad or uncomfortable. He always treated Xie Lian with more respect than anyone else did.
“So I had an interesting conversation with Shi Qingxuan the other day,” he said, keeping his gaze on Hua Cheng’s face, placing the cup back into the sink. His hands were still soapy.
“What was the conversation about?” Hua Cheng asked, leaning his hip against the counter, turning his full attention towards Xie Lian.
“Well she- she said something and I wanted to ask- well if you think that-” he started, fumbling with the words before he paused. Hua Cheng chuckled, leaning down a bit.
“Gege, it’s alright, you can say it,” he urged, and then a frown appeared between his brows. “Did she make you uncomfortable?” he asked, and Xie Lian clenched his hands to fists for a moment, shaking his head.
“No, no nothing like that,” he said, swallowing. “She said- she thought we were a- a couple.” Xie Lian’s cheeks colored, and he saw Hua Cheng’s eyes grow wide, and he leaned back a little. Xie Lian’s heart rushed up into his throat, and he continued. “I don’t know, I just, I was wondering if- if San Lang had heard something about that, she seemed to think it was something people on campus assume and I…” Xie Lian didn’t know where to stop himself, didn’t know what to make of Hua Cheng’s increasingly panicked expression. “If it makes San Lang uncomfortable I- I understand if that’s not something you want, that you don’t want people to think that… that you and I- and that you don’t see me that way.” Xie Lian was coming far too close to exposing his own feelings, of letting Hua Cheng know what he had been hiding for so long. At the same time he couldn’t lie. He couldn’t tell Hua Cheng that he wasn’t in love with him. He couldn’t lie.
“Gege,” Hua Cheng said, filling the silence which had fallen between them. Xie Lian’s gaze flickered over his expression, trying to know what was coming next. “This one- I- Gege.” he looked down at his hands. Xie Lian’s heart ached.
“San Lang,” Xie Lian answered, and was just about to pull back, to move away and give him more space, when Hua Cheng continued.
“It’s not- I-” He looked up and met Xie Lian’s gaze, looking a little bashful. “Gege please don’t be mad but… this one might have let people think that…” the bridge of Hua Cheng’s nose colored, a smile tugging at his lips.
“You let people think we’re a couple?” Xie Lian asked, and Hua Cheng ducked his head again, the tips of his ears growing red too.
“Yes,” he admitted, looking up to meet Xie Lian’s eyes, which must be wide as saucers because… what? “It’s just that Gege is so good, and none of the trash here is good enough for him, and when people started assuming, I didn’t correct them.”
“San Lang!” Xie Lian exclaimed, laughing a little. “This one apprichates San Lang taking care of him, but San Lang that will mean that you can’t meet anyone, because they’ll think you’re already taken.”
“I don’t need anyone,” Hua Cheng said with a shrug. “If people think I’m good enough for Gege it’s the highest form of compliment.”
“San Lang,” Xie Lian said again, fond, his cheeks colouring again. It was a relief in a way, but his heart was aching too. It was almost as if he had admitted his feelings for Hua Cheng, and didn’t have them acknowledged. “San Lang doesn’t need to do that.”
“Does Gege want this one to stop?” Hua Cheng asked, and Xie Lian shook his head before he had the chance to stop himself.
“No, this one does not mind being considered San Lang’s,” Xie Lian said, shocked by his own words. His emotions were so raw. It was like it had to be said.
“Gege,” Hua Cheng breathed, blinking as he looked at him. “If- would- This San Lang could never be worthy of Gege in that way, but if Gege- if it’s something Gege wants-”
“San Lang,” Xie Lian called, gentle now. Hua Cheng carried too much self loathing which was unjust, so much hatred towards himself when really he was the best person Xie Lian knew in the entire world. “This one thinks that San Lang is the best. He’s my favourite.” He reached a hand out, letting it caress down Hua Cheng’s arm. Hua Cheng looked down at it, and then back up to Xie Lian’s face.
“Gege,” he said again, and the way he was looking at Xie Lian, like he couldn’t believe what was happening. Xie Lian shifted closer, his hand moving higher on Hua Cheng’s arm.
“San Lang should stop me if he’s uncomfortable,” Xie Lian said, but Hua Cheng was moving towards him too, a tentative hand reaching up to cup Xie Lian’s cheek. Xie Lian sighed, tilting his face up towards him. Hua Cheng sucked in a breath, and Xie Lian’s body surged forward, as if chasing it.
Hua Cheng’s lips were soft, warm. Xie Lian had thought about kissing him before, in the darkness of his bedroom, in classrooms, in coffee shops, when sitting opposite him at a dinner table. He had thought about how it would feel so many times, but it could not compare to the feeling of Hua Cheng’s hand on his cheek travelling down his neck. It was nothing compared to the sensation of his lips sliding against his own. Xie Lian moved closer, and Hua Cheng’s other arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him further in.
They kissed, and kissed, and Xie Lian felt dizzy and breathless as the kiss deepened, his heart rushing in his chest, swelling with joy. “San Lang,” he whispered, and Hua Cheng pulled back, only to press his lips to Xie Lian’s cheek, causing him to giggle. “Does this mean that San Lang wants to be this one’s actual boyfriend?”
Xie Lian felt bold asking, silly even. It didn’t matter though, not when Hua Cheng smiled against his skin, his hands tightening their grip. “This San Lang would be beyond honoured,” he whispered, and Xie Lian had to kiss him again, until they were smiling so widely that it became impossible to continue.