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Xiao sighs softly to himself as he eases quietly out of bed, taking care not to disturb the sleeping man behind him. He hisses at the cold air and the flare of pain movement brings, momentarily debating crawling back into bed and curling up against Itto’s warmth.
Itto would probably sleepily mumble something and wrap himself around Xiao like an octopus. Xiao smiles at the mental image, before frowning and moving to dress himself. He’s not as clean as he’d like to be, especially not after their antics last night, but he’d rather be a little gross than take a cold bath in the middle of the night.
It started as one night of curiosity and stress relief and then morphed into more nights of stress relief and then regular nights of stress relief. and now, whatever this is. Smiling at the idea of being held by a sleeping idiot. Smothering the urge to smile when Itto cracks a joke or does something stupid. The pain from his karmic debt easing around the oni. Appreciating the concern Itto shows for him after a particularly draining battle, the way he rushes to get him food or supplies or healing. Craving his touch all the time and knowing all he has to do to get it, is simply ask.
But Xiao doesn’t ask. He shouldn’t crave Itto’s incredibly tender touch, he doesn’t deserve such touches, the gentle intimacy of having the oni's stupid and pretty face so close to his. He pretends to merely tolerate Itto’s touching during and after sex and when Itto tends to his wounds, but beyond that, Itto knows not to touch him. Itto might struggle to keep track of other rules and boundaries, but that is one he never crosses. Because Xiao threatened to kill him for it when they first started this.
Xiao swallows down the sudden weird ache in his throat as he grabs his spear and slips out the window, closing it behind him. It’s just before dawn, the stars still out and shining brightly. He drops to the ground silently, hissing quietly in discomfort.
They had been parted for a while and well, their reunion last night had been enthusiastic and had lasted for hours. Perhaps too enthusiastic. Perhaps he shouldn’t have come back so soon. Not until he had regained his self control.
He heads for a distant tree, debating leaving entirely. Because he has no self control where Itto is involved, short of resisting the urge to ask for cuddles. Itto makes him weak, makes him desire things he has no business desiring. Being away from Itto had made the pain of his karmic debt so much worse. If he had stayed gone, the pain would have eventually returned to a tolerable level. If he leaves now, he could still have that.
Itto will eventually want to break this… thing between them. He will want things Xiao cannot give him, will find someone deserving of his gentle giant nature, who can openly laugh at his dumb jokes and antics, who will participate in them. Who will hold him and shower him in affection and allow it in return, like he so clearly desires. Perhaps it’s best if Xiao breaks it off now.
He stops, turns to look at the inn, at the window of Itto’s room. It will hurt him, he’s too soft to not be hurt. It’s too easy to imagine the look of hurt on Itto’s face, the way his tears would trail down his cheeks. The ache in Xiao’s throat worsens as he pictures the way Itto had looked at him last night, so happy, so open as he’d stopped Xiao from undressing, wanting his attention. The way Itto had leaned up into him, taking in Xiao as if he thought he might never see him again. Looking at Xiao like he’s something worthy of adoration before stuttering out the most heartfelt I missed you Xiao has ever heard.
Forcing himself to breathe through the ache, Xiao turns to look at the road. He should leave. But he can’t make his feet move forward, can’t make them move farther away from Itto. He’s so lost in his internal struggle that he doesn’t notice the shuffling in the grasses until whatever it is, is right behind him.
He whirls, spear in hand, instantly primed for battle. To find Ushi there. Giving him a judgmental stare.
Xiao makes his spear vanish, glaring back at the bull. “Don’t look at me like that.”
Ushi angrily moos in response, shuffling closer.
“It’s what’s best for him. He doesn’t need me.” Xiao doesn’t look away. Ushi is hard to understand.
The bull stomps a hoof in frustration and continues to moo.
“He should find a mortal like him, not waste his time on me. But come, let’s sit under that tree.”
Ushi remains silent as they reach the tree and settle underneath it.
Xiao continues as he leans back against the trunk. “He deserves someone like him, in every way. I am standing in the way of that. Plus, I am weaker now, because of him.”
Ushi gives an annoyed snort at the first half of that, but inches closer to rest his head on Xiao’s knee as if seeking to comfort the yaksha.
Xiao instinctively reaches out to pet his head and is rewarded by the bull letting out a happy little sigh. So he keeps petting him, thinking about what Ushi said about Itto, how he should have the right to decide what he wants and deserves. But Itto’s too sweet and too eager to help and he knows Xiao is broken. what if Itto wants to fix him, no matter the cost to himself?
Xiao doesn’t realize he was tired enough to fall asleep, until he comes around to a frantic Itto yelling his name in the distance. He’d slept for hours, it’s midday already. “Meet you back at the inn,” he calls back over his shoulder to Ushi, dashing towards the sound of Itto’s voice.
He warps to Itto’s side, weapon out, ready to defend him. But there’s nothing else there. “Are you alright?” He’s breathless from his mad dash to the oni’s side, his heart beating fast.
“Xiao! You’re here! I thought you’d left m- uhhhh I mean, like, you can do whatever you please, any time you want to, of course. I’m not trying to uh, cramp your style or anything.” Itto’s an adorable mix of relieved and nervous, rubbing the back of his neck, not quite meeting Xiao’s eyes. “I’m just glad you’re still here.”
Xiao can’t hide the soft smile that slips onto his face as he steps a little closer. “You are not…cramping my style, oni.”
Itto looks like he’s been struck by lightning one too many times when he realizes Xiao’s smiling and he just stands there, dazed.
Cheeks reddening, Xiao continues. “I am glad i’m still here too. I had to do some…thinking.” He’s uncharacteristically anxious and it’s readily apparent that Itto’s picking up on it.
“O-oh?” Itto flushes, hope and fear openly warring with each other on his dumb little face.
"Itto...If I- if I were to stay around longer, perhaps indefinitely, would you want that? Or would I be a burden?”
It takes Itto a moment to process Xiao’s words. “Pleasedon’tkillmebut-” Itto pulls the yaksha closer, one hand coming up to hold Xiao’s face tenderly. “I would want that so much, and you could never ever be a burden to me.”
The gentle ferocity and conviction in Itto’s voice moves Xiao to tears. He tries to stop it, tries to turn his head away, embarrassed, but Itto’s soft touch stops him. “P-please…don’t look at me.”
Itto gives him that at least, looking down. “Hey, it’s okay to cry and um, I know I’m not good with words. I’m stupid. But I mean my words. You’re not a burden. I know it’s hard to believe because of all the bad shit you’ve been through, but please give me a chance to prove it to you. Staying with me indefinitely, is uh, definitely a good start.”
Xiao gives Itto a glare through his tears. “You’re not stupid, silly sometimes and very impulsive, yes, but not stupid.” His gaze turns fond, one of his hands reaching up to tangle in Itto’s hair. “I'll stay… and I’ll give you a chance.” He pauses, working up the nerve to ask for intimacy. “K-kiss me? Please.”
Itto’s face lights up almost comically at Xiao’s shy little request. “You’ve never– we’ve…that’s a first! And um, I like it. A lot. I'll kiss you whenever, wherever. Oh! I haven’t kissed you yet. Oops. Better fix that.” He leans in to kiss Xiao sweetly, a little clumsy given his giddiness, but Xiao doesn’t mind.