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Zack woke with a weight settled on his chest. His eyes cracked open to see what it was and stared somewhat confusedly at the blond tangle of hair before he fully came to understand what he was seeing.
He could smell the shampoo Cloud used - a distinct scent of pine that had quickly become home in some sense of the word. Maybe the only sense of the word that mattered, anymore. Gongaga would never be home again after what he’d been through. Midgar was gone, and even if Shinra hadn’t been gone, Zack would have never gone back to the tower. Not after what Shinra did to them following Nibelheim.
Zack knew it was dangerous, perhaps, to be so wrapped up in Cloud. He knew that there was a risk in being too… much, too attached. A risk for both of them, in a sense. But since their talk about the broken bits between them, about their feelings, Zack had felt closer to him than ever. As if that openness was the last thing he needed to understand the draw, the weight of the world around them.
Cloud wasn’t usually such a cuddler. This normally went the other way, where Zack had snuggled up against the blond in the night. Zack didn’t mind the reversal, but he hoped that it wasn’t a sign something was wrong. For the moment, he was content to lie where he was and enjoy Cloud’s presence. A chance to marvel at how far they’d come, at the fact that he and Cloud were both alive.
The path to get here had been littered with broken things and blood. Neither one of them would ever be who they were before Nibelheim again.
Cloud shifted a little against his chest, and Zack could see the blush spread across his cheeks as full awareness returned. Ah, that wouldn’t do at all.
“Mornin,” Zack murmured, one hand rubbing Cloud’s back lightly.
Cloud’s response was more of a groan as he curled up slightly and hid his face against Zack’s chest. Zack couldn’t help the smile tugging at his lips. Though concern lingered with it.
“You okay?”
“Was just a dream.” Cloud mumbled. “Didn’t want to wake you up so I just…” He faltered there, but really Zack didn’t need him to say anything else. He understood. Instead of waking Zack up, he’d cuddled closer, because knowing he wasn’t alone had helped him feel better.
Cloud seemed content to lie there a little longer against Zack. Zack was okay with that, though, reclined against the pillows with his arm around the other. Eventually, they’d have to get up to face the day and to eat. Cloud probably had a few deliveries. But for now, it was just them, and Zack wanted to linger in it for as long as he could.
“If you want to talk, I’ll listen.” Zack said, tone soft. Instead of pointing out that Cloud could have just woken up, that Zack would always rather be with him and comfort him than leave him to face it alone.
“Mm.” A slight shake of his head. And then a breath out. “It was about the wasteland. That’s all.”
That was all Cloud really needed to say. Zack’s hand stilled, and he squeezed just slightly to hug Cloud. The other responded by nuzzling against his chest a little closer and squeezing back.
“You know, you might as well just move in here at this rate.” Cloud said, a little bemused. He clearly wanted to change the subject. Zack would allow it - really, the only thing for dreams like that was to try to move on and remember what reality was like.
Zack hummed slightly. “Would you be okay with that?” He asked, tone serious.
“Yeah… I think so.” Cloud said. “Maybe we should wait until after the trip, though. Make sure we can still stand each other.”
There was a teasing edge to the tone. It gave Zack a little hope. Whatever wreckage the nightmare had left was clearly fading in the light of day.
“We can do that.” Zack agreed easily. But, still, the thought was kind of thrilling. Despite their conversation, they hadn’t really put words on what they were now. Zack wasn’t too worried about it.
Cloud sat up slowly until he was sitting there beside Zack instead. After a moment, Zack sat up, too. All too aware that the day wouldn’t wait on them. He captured one of Cloud’s hands for a moment and squeezed it lightly.
The slight flush had returned to Cloud’s face.
And without seeming to allow himself to think about it, Cloud leaned forward and kissed Zack. Lips pressed together. It was brief, but it was anything but chaste.
It set a fire in Zack’s stomach.
They broke apart.
It wasn’t long enough.
They shouldn’t rush this.
Zack leaned in and kissed Cloud again. This one was a little longer, a little deeper. Cloud nipped almost experimentally at Zack’s lip before drawing back finally after several moments.
Zack smirked. “You gotta be careful with that, Spike, if you wanna get anything done today.”
A laugh rumbled slightly in Cloud’s chest. “Tempting as that offer is,” Cloud said, “Barret’s gonna be here for lunch and then take Marlene and Denzel for a few days. I heard something about camping.”
Yeah, okay. Zack didn’t want their first time to have some kind of time limit. He wanted to be able to take his time and treat Cloud right.
“Guess it wouldn’t look great if we weren’t there for lunch.”
Cloud shook his head. “Nope. He wants to meet you. Fair warning, Barret can be a little abrasive.”
Zack nodded a little, and finally, he swung his legs off of the opposite side of the bed and stood up. These dark walls and those navy blankets had become comforting. Zack knew it was because of the association he had with Cloud, of course. But it still gave a feeling of home.
Home. They were just under a week from the planned visit to Gongaga. Zack didn’t know how he felt about that just then. He wanted to see his parents. He was… nervous about seeing his parents. What did they know? Had Cissnei told them? What had happened after the announcement that he’d been killed in action?
How would they feel about all of this? Maybe going to Gongaga had been a bad idea. But… Zack couldn’t take it back now. And he did want to see them, despite the fact that he was nervous about it all.
Zack paused in his own room to change into clothes for the day. Some days, it was still strange to look in the mirror and not be wearing a SOLDIER uniform.
Mostly, it was a relief. That was an odd thing to realize, given he’d left home at thirteen to become SOLDIER, and it had been all he dreamed of.
Angeal would have said something about life being that way, sometimes. And maybe have pointed out that Zack’s dream had been to become a hero. Zack understood now, better than he had before, what Director Lazard had meant when he said that unattainable dreams were the best kind.
Zack had done his best. There was no sense in being bitter about the past - he couldn’t change it now. A shake of his head to clear it, and then Zack went back to the task at hand.
After he’d finished changing and had straightened out the mess that his hair had become, Zack followed down the stairs. Cloud leaned against one of the walls, a cup of coffee in one hand. Cloud was not a morning person on the best days, and any day that started with an admission that he’d had a nightmare was definitely not one of those.
There was an unfamiliar voice from the living room. Zack would have described it as booming. The accent was not one he was instantly familiar with.
“Corel.” Cloud said, as if reading his mind. “Not that it’s there anymore. But that’s where Barret’s from.”
A nod. Not somewhere Zack had ever had the occasion to visit for any real length of time. That would be why he wasn’t familiar with the accent immediately. The casual slipping in of a statement that it wasn’t there anymore was a warning, Zack was sure. It wasn’t there, don’t ask about Corel. Had Shinra…? Perhaps it didn’t matter the answer.
“He’s a good guy.” Cloud continued. “But he really hates Shinra, for a lot of reasons. He might be a bit hard to get along with.”
Cloud sounded like he was speaking from experience. Zack offered a wry smile. “It’ll be fine, Spikey. It’s not the end of the world if he decides he doesn’t like me much.”
There was a time when Zack more or less made friends as easy as breathing. He’d not tried to use that talent in a good long time. Would be interesting to see how effective it was these days. But, it wasn’t like Zack still supported Shinra or anything similar. Maybe it wouldn’t buy him any points, but it would mean that whatever Barret had to say on the topic wouldn’t get too far under his skin.
“You ready?”
“Sec.”
Cloud nodded.
Zack moved around him to make his own cup of coffee. The caffeine didn’t do much for him one way or the other, but there was something to be said about routine. A warm drink to wrap his hands around, plus the smell was nice. And as a bonus, taking a sip of a drink was a good way to force a momentary pause to be sure of what he was about to say before he blurted it out.
Working around his tendencies to speak before he thought was usually wiser.
Zack would survive if Cloud’s friends didn’t like him, but that didn’t mean he wanted to antagonize one.
Zack followed Cloud out into the main room. Zack’s attention focused on the stranger who must have been Barret instantly: tall, extremely bulky, prosthetic hand, but no weapon. He couldn’t help the split second analysis of the situation. Happily clinging to part of his side was Marlene, of course. Denzel was sitting a bit away.
“You must be Cloud’s soldier friend.” Barret made the first move. Zack wasn’t surprised.
Zack inclined his head, offering a warm smile to meet the wariness in those eyes. “That’s me. Zack Fair. Pleased to meet you.” Still smiling, warm and upbeat as he offered a hand.
Barret didn’t take it. Zack wasn’t surprised. After a suitable length of time, he drew it back, letting it join his left on the mug. Zack could tell the man didn’t really feel the same about it being a good thing. This was fine.
Barret’s intensity was high, too high. It made Zack want to climb up the walls or crawl out of his skin, or even snap and push back and drive it home just how helplessly lied to the teens that got into SOLDIER really were. He did none of those things. None of them would be helpful.
“You promised to be nice.” Cloud said, frowning.
“I am bein nice!” Barret scoffed.
A glance towards Cloud, and Zack shook his head fractionally - he would have to figure this one out himself, and Cloud intervening wouldn’t help.
“So, Barret, Cloud mentioned you’re in the oil business?”
“Yeah. Had to find somethin’ to run off of other than Mako.”
Zack nodded his understanding of the answer.
It was a start, Zack thought. He’d take it.
Zack was a little rusty. Maybe not rusty enough to have agreed to this, where he drove and Cloud sat behind him, hands rested easily at Zack’s hips. But… he had. He’d said yes.
Zack was quite sure they both knew it was for the closeness more than because Zack was afraid he’d lose control of the bike. Zack had plenty of training, and even if he started to, he was confident he could recover.
They were on Fenrir, Cloud had insisted it would be more comfortable for the both of them. Zack was sure that was accurate. The seat had clearly been designed with a passenger in mind.
It made Zack wonder who Cloud had intended to have as a passenger often enough to modify the bike around it, but he didn’t ask. It didn’t matter.
It was exhilarating being able to ride again. Cloud’s arm shifted around Zack’s middle, and he felt the other lean into him a little more. “We’re going to end up on the wastes if you keep going this way.” He said, voice only just barely audible over the wind.
Zack nodded, but didn’t change paths.
“Little lighter on the next turn. Fenrir slides easy.” A warning, the first such warning that Cloud had given Zack.
He wanted to roll his eyes, because Zack had had all the same Soldier courses, thank you, but this was Cloud’s bike. There was probably a good reason for the warning. Zack tried to go easier into the turn than he had been.
As it turned out, he still leaned too far into it. He felt the back wheels threaten to slide out from under them as they hit the gravel. Zack swore, but managed to correct them before a crash.
“I tried to warn you.”
“You did.” Zack said back, huffing a little. “Do you have no traction on those things?”
He felt Cloud’s laughter against his neck.
The next curve was easier, smoother, now that Zack had more of a feeling for the way Fenrir handled. Tomorrow, probably, he’d want to get out on the other bike, ahead of their trip, to be sure he didn’t have a nasty wipe out at a bad time.
Zack brought them to a stop at the top of the cliff that stood out in his memory. The last time they’d been together, before all of them.
Where he’d entrusted everything to Cloud.
They sat in silence for a moment, Cloud’s arms still wrapped around his waist.
But, finally, he sat back a bit, loosening up and letting Zack go. “So, for a first run off of the paved roads, that wasn’t bad. I should have warned you sooner about how touchy Fenrir can be. I might’ve forgotten what a learning curve it is.”
Zack shook his head. “That’ll happen. I should’ve taken you more seriously.”
A shrug, even though they were not as close, Zack can feel the movement.
“You up for taking us back or you want to switch back now?”
“I’d like to watch the sunset,” He admitted. “If that’s okay?”
A hum of acknowledgement, and Cloud stood up, dismounting from the bike in a smooth motion. Zack joined him sitting on the ledge.
Cloud leaned into him, their fingers intertwined easily.
“I can’t help but notice you’re watching me, not the sky.” Cloud said with a flicker of amusement in his tone.
“We have a little time.” There’s a softness in Zack’s voice, even in his own ears. He shifted slightly, and Cloud tilted his head just so, and for a moment, there was another slow, lingering kiss.
“You’re incorrigible.”
“Maybe,” Zack acknowledged, ducking his head a bit. “But you definitely met me halfway on that one.”
“I did.” Cloud allowed, tone bemused. “I’ve never…” He trailed off slightly with a frown.
“I know I’m more tactile than you,” Zack said, letting his attention drift back to the sky, to lessen some of the intensity, and to gain a little control over himself in the process. “If we need to slow down, please tell me.”
“I would. I will.” Cloud said.
Zack would have to trust him.
“I’m more surprised by the intensity of my reaction, is all.”
Zack hummed, his tone thoughtful.
“I don’t know what I’m trying to say.” Cloud sounded frustrated.
“It’s okay.” Zack answered, easily, lightly. “It can be hard to put words to.”
“It’s not that I don’t want this.” Cloud said, finally, softly. “I’m more sure of that now than I’ve ever been sure of anything. But I’ve never wanted this.”
Kunsel would have had a word for that, Zack was sure. He didn’t remember what that word might have been, if he’d ever been told.
“So you’ve never-”
“No. I have.” Cloud said. “But I’ve never wanted it, not like this. I didn’t even know there was a difference before.”
Huh. There was a whisper that might have felt special, if it weren’t for the fact that mostly his heart ached at the idea.
Zack would keep that to himself. Instead, he slipped his arm around Cloud’s back, and let his hand rest there at his hip. Cloud shifted, leaning into Zack’s touch, and what tension was left there seemed to melt from his form.
“It’s weird being up here with you again.”
“Yeah… sorry. It was the first place I could think of away from all of that.” Zack had gestured with his free hand towards Midgar, towards Edge.
Cloud nodded a little.
Zack was thankful that he seemed to understand Zack’s need to be away from all of it without making him explain. But then they’d talked, before, a little about how Cloud would be happy to spend a little time on the road. Maybe it was a similar feeling.
For a while, they said nothing more. They didn’t really need words, maybe. Not for this.
“You had to have had friends still in Soldier, after everything,” Cloud said carefully, into the open air. “Have you tried to contact them at all?”
Zack shook his head. “Don’t know where to begin. Not sure I’m even the same guy I was the last time they saw me.”
“Mm. No, probably not.” Cloud acknowledged. “But most of them probably aren’t either.”
“There’s still the first problem.”
“Yeah, well. There are still turks around. And the WRO has links with a lot of former Soldier. You say the word and I’m sure we could get you contact for at least some of them.”
“Is Cissnei around?”
“I’m not familiar with the name.” Cloud admitted. “She was…?”
“A turk. Tseng would know her.”
“Do you want me to ask about her?”
“I can do it.”
“Hm. Do you want to come with me tomorrow, then?”
Zack tilted his head, obviously confused.
“Reeve has something he wants me to bring to Gongaga with us. Said there’s an operative there. Tseng is supposed to be at the briefing. It’ll be short and to the point, but I’m sure no one will object if I bring you.”
Reeve had practically asked him to bring Zack even. Cloud was sure he wanted a chance to impress upon Zack the good the WRO was doing, to try to invite him to join. Reeve was a good ally, but he was… still former Shinra. Cloud wasn’t as cautious with him as he was with the Turks.
“Surprised you’d agree to do a run for a Turk.”
“It’s for Reeve. But the operative is Tseng’s. I didn’t ask for many details.”
“I suppose those wouldn’t really be your concern.”
“Not really. All I know is that it relates to the reactor decommissioning project that the WRO is working on.”
Ah. That actually made sense. The reactor at Gongaga. “It’s the only one I’m taking. I didn’t really want to do it, but there’s not much sense in insisting the WRO expend the resources on a separate trip when we’ll be there, anyway.”
Zack nodded. “It’s perfectly logical. Is this the price of the bike?”
“Maybe a bit. But mostly it’s the former point. Gongaga is quite a bit out there, and the WRO wants a little more information about the site before they send in a team. Tseng’s operative is supposed to be able to provide that information so we can bring it back when we return to Edge.”
Zack was quiet for a beat longer. “I’ll come with you tomorrow.”
“Alright. Any other friends of yours?”
“Kunsel maybe.”
“Ah.” The name was familiar. “Think he works for Reeve. Pretty sure he’s the one orchestrating this ambitious project. First the labs, then the reactors. Then he wants to tackle Midgar’s ruins.”
“Somehow that sounds like him.” Zack said, but there was relief there. “I’m glad he’s okay.”
“I’m glad too.”
“You’re not going to be rid of me so easily, though, Spikey.”
“I should hope not.” Cloud said, a little dryly. “I’m not trying to be rid of you. I think we’re a bit past that by now.” Yeah, just maybe. “I thought it would be nice for you to reconnect with your friends. Even if you find… that because you aren’t the same people, you can’t be as close.”
The stillness fell again between them. The sun was almost gone.
I love you.
He thought about it, but Zack did not say it. It didn’t feel right, not yet. It wasn’t that Zack didn’t feel it, but it felt too soon. It felt like it would be asking more of Cloud than he might be ready to give.
Zack shifted and rested his cheek against Cloud’s hair for the moment.
He didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, exactly. Or the coming weeks, as they went on towards Gongaga. But Zack thought if he could have little moments like this along the way, it wouldn’t make up for everything that had happened before. But it would make the future worth seeking out.