Chapter Text
oh, goddamn
my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand
taking mine, but it’s been promised to another
oh, i can’t stop you putting roots in my dreamland
my house of stone, your ivy grows
and now i’m covered in you
At 7AM on a Saturday morning, Jungkook looks in the mirror and feels sick to his stomach.
He’s obviously tired, with dark circles prominent on his swollen face, but he doesn’t really look any different than usual— same dark, fluffy hair; same big eyes and little mouth. And yet he feels like anybody could glance at him and just know, like there’s a visible negative aura floating around him.
He’s a worse person than he was twenty-four hours ago. He’s tainted.
“Wow.” Jungkook jumps, head snapping over to look toward the voice. Mingyu leans in their bathroom doorway, eyebrows raised. “Look who’s already up and out of bed. I’m not used to actually seeing you awake at a productive hour.”
Usually, Jungkook would feel a flare of annoyance at the underlying tone of condescension in his fiancé’s voice. This morning, he just shrugs, forces a smile, and tries to swallow down the way he’s actually feeling like he might throw up soon.
“I didn’t sleep that well.”
Mingyu pouts at him, overexaggerated in a way that’s supposed to come off as cute and sympathetic. “Even after we were out so late?”
“Yeah. Weird, I know.” Jungkook shrugs again, looking away to face himself in the mirror once more before he splashes some water on his face. “Maybe it’s because of the alcohol. Just a bad hangover.”
Mingyu had invited Jungkook out for drinks with his work friends once again last night, and if Mingyu had actually been paying attention, he’d know that Jungkook had had no more than two shots of soju. Jungkook couldn’t blame his lack of sleep on the alcohol any more than he could blame anything else that happened in the past twelve hours on it. Luckily for Jungkook, though, Mingyu had been far too busy kissing up to his team leader to notice anything that Jungkook had been up to.
“Poor thing,” Mingyu says. “You gonna be okay on your own while I go meet up with Eunwoo?”
Even as he asks, he’s moving back into their bedroom to grab his keys, and Jungkook knows Mingyu was only asking because he expects Jungkook to tell him not to worry about it. For once, this doesn’t hurt Jungkook’s feelings.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I think I’m gonna go to the gym, actually.”
“Sounds like a good idea.” Mingyu flashes him a smile as he walks over and smacks a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll see you tonight.”
Jungkook forces himself to smile back. “Have fun with Eunwoo.”
Mingyu leaves, and Jungkook waits until he hears the door to their apartment snap shut before he digs his phone out of the pocket of his pajama pants, hands shaking as he unlocks it and stares at a message he’d received from an unsaved number. It was the first thing he’d seen after waking up from a fitful sleep that morning, the unpleasant jolt he’d felt when he saw it and was hit once again by the truth of what he’d done having been all it took for him to decide he couldn’t possibly fall asleep again.
unknown
are you okay?
The message was sent hours ago— before Jungkook had fallen asleep, even, but he hadn’t been looking at his phone at that point. He takes a deep breath, and then he types a response.
me
im fine
don’t message this number again
Jungkook locks his phone and gets dressed as quickly as possible. He tries not to think about it on the way to the gym, but he can’t stop his mind from wandering as he sits on the bus and stares out the window, buildings blurring past. Jungkook wishes he had been drunk last night, so that maybe the memories wouldn’t be so clear and inescapable—
Getting up from the table where he was sitting next to Mingyu and excusing himself, knowing he shouldn’t be doing it. Walking down the restaurant’s narrow back hallway without turning to go into the bathrooms like he said he would, instead following a tall, broad silhouette out the service doorway and into the alley behind the restaurant— knowing he shouldn’t be doing that, either. The quirk of an eyebrow; plump lips smirking at him. A voice right next to his ear, so deep it made Jungkook’s toes curl. Hands gripping his waist so tightly that he’s lucky— relieved— they hadn’t left any marks. A brick wall against his back. A mouth over his own that didn’t belong to Mingyu for the first time in over five years, hot lips moving over his jaw and down the skin of his neck. A warm hand sliding into his pants, and his own voice, breathless and broken as he kept whining: Hyung— hyung, please —
Jungkook flinches and shakes his head vigorously. Stop thinking about it . He’s flushed, his gut fluttering with faint arousal, and he hates himself for it.
Once he’s at the gym, he puts his AirPods in and blasts the sort of angry, guitar heavy music that he was obsessed with as a teenager as he goes through his regular routine of stretching, weights, and treadmill. He runs for longer than usual, not stopping until his legs are aching and he’s drenched in sweat, mind clear of everything but the effort it takes to keep breathing evenly— in through the nose, out through the mouth. Once he’s finished and has showered in the gym’s locker room, he almost feels better.
He heads to his favorite smoothie place a block away from his gym, orders something with a lot of green stuff and protein powder that he knows Mingyu would turn his nose up at, and heads over to his regular corner booth. He thinks about pulling his sketchbook out, or maybe calling Jimin. Then he feels his phone buzz in his pocket as he sits down, and the tension floods right back into him. Even though it’s been a good few hours since he sent that last text now, it’s like he somehow just knows who it is.
unknown
okay
I won’t message you anymore
you can still message me if you want, though
me
i don’t want to
unknown
okay
me
i really can’t talk to you anymore
unknown
okay
me
i’m serious
unknown
okay
Jungkook huffs.
me
why do you just keep saying that?? it’s annoying
unknown
I thought you didn’t want to talk to me
what else would you like me to say?
me
i don’t know
whatever
forget about it
unknown
okay
Feeling inordinately pissed off, Jungkook scowls at the screen, thumbs flying over the keyboard.
me
stop doing that!!
unknown
jungkook-ah…
if you don’t want to talk to me, then why do you keep replying?
And Jungkook has no good answer that wouldn’t make him an even worse person than he already is, so he finally stops.
Over a month passes, during which Jungkook pretends like nothing happened and tells no one— not even Jimin and Taehyung, his best friends of a decade— what he’s done. He doesn’t text the unsaved number again. The unsaved number doesn’t reach out to him, either. It’s a good thing.
Jungkook stops accepting Mingyu’s occasional invitations to meet up with his work friends for drinks. Mingyu doesn’t care, because Jungkook had been the one to suggest the idea all those months ago to begin with. It’s a good thing.
Things are going fine, and then Mingyu’s company’s annual dinner party rolls around, and Jungkook has to be his date. They’re engaged; of course Jungkook is supposed to go. It’s the first dinner party since Mingyu got hired onto BigHit Entertainment’s marketing team, and Mingyu keeps joking about how Jungkook gets to be his trophy wife for the evening. He’s always loved showing Jungkook’s good looks off to other people. Jungkook used to love it, too.
His stomach is in knots the whole day leading up to the dinner party. He sits in his art studio for hours without getting anything done, and then he goes home to shower and change before Mingyu comes to pick him up from their apartment. He keeps his makeup light, because he knows Mingyu likes it that way, and Jungkook feels like he owes him right now. It’s been a little tense between them lately, and that’s Jungkook’s fault too— because they’ve only had sex once in the last month and a half since Jungkook’s fuck up, Jungkook felt disgusting the whole time, and he’s been avoiding Mingyu’s occasional advances ever since. Mingyu confronted him about it a few days ago, demanded to know whether or not Jungkook even found him attractive anymore, and Jungkook had to lie and say he was just stressed about a painting commission from one of his clients.
“You think my job isn’t stressful?” Mingyu had asked, with an air of disbelief. “I have a million emails and a million things to worry about every day. But you know what would be really great stress relief? For both of us?”
Ever since his indiscretion, Jungkook has been telling himself he has no right to get mad at Mingyu for anything anymore, and so he had just taken a deep breath and replied, “I know. I just don’t feel up to it. I’m sorry.”
And Mingyu, at least, had dropped it there, although Jungkook can’t say his fiancé hasn’t been a bit sulky in the days since. Still, he’s cheerful tonight, giving Jungkook his most charming smile and telling him he looks great in his outfit— fitted black dress pants and a silky, dark blue button-up with a few buttons undone, loose and flowy but tucked in to show his figure. Jungkook smiles back and says thank you, and when they arrive at the dinner party, he tries to find the same comfort in the gesture that he used to when Mingyu wraps an arm around his waist as they walk inside.
Kim Seokjin, Mingyu’s team leader, is the first to greet them. He’s friendly with his whole team, and he’s always been welcoming to Jungkook whenever he’s tagged along with them during their after work drinks, which Jungkook appreciates extra given the fact that he’s pretty sure that Mingyu is one of only a few openly queer employees at the company.
“It’s good to see your other half around again,” Seokjin says to Mingyu, teasing. “We all like him better than you.”
“He’s definitely much nicer to look at,” Mingyu acknowledges with a laugh, and Jungkook feels himself turning red.
He inclines his head a bit, being polite, which is really his only job when he comes with Mingyu to this sort of thing. “It’s good to see you too, Team Leader Kim.”
After a bit more small talk, Seokjin moves on, and the couple goes to find a table with Mingyu’s friends. There are a few familiar faces seated there already, people who Jungkook has met before— Jinyoung, who is one of Mingyu’s hyungs on the marketing team, and Yoongi, who is one of BigHit’s music producers. Choosing to ignore the empty seat next to Yoongi and hope for the best, Jungkook greets them both before letting himself zone out as Mingyu and Jinyoung discuss some upcoming artist’s merch launch. He stares at the table and doesn’t look up when someone eventually sits in the empty seat beside Yoongi— which, of course, is directly across from Jungkook.
“Hyung!” Mingyu greets the newcomer. “You were almost late.”
“Almost late just means I’m on time, Mingyu.”
Jungkook finally makes himself look up.
“Hello,” he says, still making sure to be polite.
“Hello, Jungkook-ssi,” Kim Namjoon replies— equally polite, with a small but friendly smile. “It’s nice to see you.”
Namjoon is another hyung of Mingyu’s, and apparently a good friend to have in their workplace, because he’s close with both the producers and the choreographers. Good for communication, good for networking. It’s important, when you’re all working together to create and promote the same creative concepts.
Rather than reply, Jungkook just bows his head a bit in acknowledgment, reverting back to his original shyness from the first time he’d found himself sitting at a table full of Mingyu’s work friends, all of them strangers to Jungkook at the time. Even though Jungkook has gotten to know them a bit now, they’re still much more Mingyu’s friends than his own— especially the other guys from marketing, with whom Mingyu spends all day every day.
It’s fine. Jungkook doesn’t need to be friends with his fiancé’s coworkers. As Mingyu would say, he’s just here to sit there and look pretty. Like artist, like art.
Jungkook still has nerves so bad he can barely make himself eat his food when it’s served to them, but the dinner is actually going much better than he expected. He makes minimal contributions to the conversation, smiles when he’s supposed to, and laughs at Mingyu’s jokes even when they’re not that funny. It’s going well, but then Jinyoung just has to try to be nice and include him.
“Jungkook-ssi, remind me again where you work?”
Jungkook represses a sigh and plasters on another smile. “Ah, I’m a freelancer, actually.”
“Right!” And Jinyoung seems genuinely interested by this, his own grin not faltering in the slightest. “You do paintings, right?”
“Mostly,” Jungkook says. “For work, anyway. I sketch too, but that’s mostly just for fun or brainstorming.”
“Such an art school kid,” Mingyu interjects with a laugh and a roll of his eyes, and it’s probably sad that Jungkook immediately just knows that he’s about to say something offensive. “You’re lucky your fiancé has a full time job with an actual salary, huh?”
It’s actually kind of incredible how Mingyu seems to be the only one completely unaware of how awkward he’s just made the entire table feel by deriding his fiancé’s occupation and financial situation in front of everyone, absolutely unprovoked. There’s an uncomfortable beat of silence, and just as Jungkook opens his mouth— whether to force himself to laugh along or to tell Mingyu to shut the fuck up, even he isn’t sure— someone else cuts in.
“Careful, Mingyu,” Namjoon says lightly, like he’s some sort of expert mediator. “You shouldn’t discredit artists. Yoongi-hyung is in the arts, and he probably makes more than all of us combined just from the IU royalties.”
Yoongi snorts, and everyone else seems to relax. “Well, that’s an exaggeration,” he says. “But yeah, I do okay.”
“Fair enough,” Mingyu says with a grin, seeming blissfully unaware of the fact that he had potentially been seconds away from his fiancé blowing up at him in the middle of a company event.
Jungkook exhales heavily. He looks up to see that Namjoon is looking at him, and he gives the older man a small, grateful smile. Namjoon nods, just a little, and then he looks away. Jungkook waits a few minutes, just for the sake of not making it totally obvious that he’s still feeling… irked. Once he feels like it’s been long enough, he stands up and excuses himself to the restroom.
He’s grinding his teeth the whole walk through the room that BigHit had rented out, his smile feeling tense on his own face as he passes Kim Seokjin’s table and makes his way out the door and down the convention center’s hallway. Jungkook’s never been here before, but the signs for the bathrooms are easy enough to follow, and it only takes another minute before he’s ducking into a stall, closing the toilet seat with his foot, and sitting down.
He just— he hates it when Mingyu says shit like that. To be fair, maybe Jungkook should communicate more about the way it makes him feel— but he’s tried before, multiple times, and he’s tired of arguing about it. Whenever he brings it up, Mingyu just tells him how he didn’t mean it that way, and of course he respects Jungkook and his work, even though he’s made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t really think that Jungkook has a real job. Of course, he’s never said those words, exactly, but it’s there in the way that he doesn’t seem to understand that artists experience things like hard deadlines, or stress, or financial security. The most annoying part is the assumption that Jungkook would be broke without him, because it’s simply not true.
Sure, the apartment that Jungkook shares with Mingyu is definitely nicer than what he could afford by himself, but it’s not like he couldn’t still pay rent somewhere else with his freelance money. Not like Mingyu’s parents aren’t also helping him with their rent, anyway.
It’s just more financially comfortable living with Mingyu, but Jungkook could make it alone. Not that he wants to leave. They’re already balls deep in wedding planning, after all, and his future mother in law is very attached to the venue she booked over a year in advance— just to be safe!
But if Jungkook did want to live by himself, he could do it.
After a few more frustrated moments spent staring at the bathroom floor, his shoe tracing over the scuffs on the white tile, he pulls out his phone. I shouldn’t be doing this, he thinks, but once again, he ignores his conscience. For the first time in over a month, he opens his conversation with the unsaved number.
me
thank you
Admittedly, Jungkook is surprised at how quickly he receives a reply.
unknown
no problem
are you okay?
me
yeah
i’m fine
unknown
he shouldn’t talk about you like that
especially not in front of us
Jungkook sucks in a breath, guilt flooding him once again and bringing the nausea back with it.
me
don’t
please
unknown
sorry
Jungkook closes his eyes. He just… he can’t complain about his fiancé. Not to Kim Namjoon. Not when Namjoon was Mingyu’s friend, and not knowing that Namjoon was also the one that Jungkook had let touch him, kiss him, make him come in a fucking alleyway— with Jungkook’s shiny, expensive engagement ring staying on his finger the whole time.
me
it’s fine
just. don’t
unknown
okay
With a deep breath, Jungkook swipes out of the conversation and opens another chat.
me
i’m really sorry but i think i might be getting sick
A few minutes pass. Jungkook sighs and opens Twitter. A few more minutes pass. He scrolls through his timeline and contemplates retracting his lie.
me
hello?
Just as Jungkook is about to give up and go back to the table, a reply comes through.
mingyu<3
uh oh
what kind of sick?
me
my stomach :(
mingyu<3
oh no
how bad? do you need to leave early
me
i think so
i’m sorry
A minute passes with no response, and then another notification comes through— except it’s not from Mingyu.
unknown
you’re not actually sick, right
Jungkook scowls. Partially because Namjoon is being annoying, and partially because he’s slightly worried that Mingyu just implied that he’s having explosive diarrhea or something to a table full of men that Jungkook is going to have to look in the eye again someday.
He doesn’t answer, but another message comes through anyway.
unknown
you don’t have to avoid me
I’m sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable
I’m sorry about what happened before, too, if you need me to be
me
i’m not avoiding you
i just want to go home
unknown
okay
It’s such a stupid pet peeve, but Jungkook’s temper flares.
me
if you send me one more text that says “okay” and nothing else, i am going to start screaming
unknown
ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
I’m just agreeing with you
me
well, stop agreeing with me
it’s irksome
Finally, Jungkook gets another text from Mingyu. He thinks it’s a bit ironic that Namjoon is responding quicker than his own fiancé, and then he shoves that thought far away.
mingyu<3
if you’re that sick, we can go
me
i’m sorry
i can go back alone
mingyu<3
while you're ill?
me
it’s not that big of a deal
Jungkook all but holds his breath, hoping that his fiancé won’t really send him home sick via public transportation all alone. Of course, he isn’t really sick, but now that he’s told Mingyu that he is, it’s the principle of the thing.
After the past year or so, though, he should have known better than to hope.
mingyu<3
if you’re sure?
me
yeah, i’m sure
mingyu<3
it just looks bad to my boss if i’m the first one to leave
me
i get it!
don’t worry about me! i am a grown man
Jungkook tells himself it really isn’t a big deal. If it wasn’t okay, then he shouldn’t have said it was. He’s at least equally at fault.
And that is true, but as he sits alone on the train home, he still finds himself wishing that Mingyu had at least tried to fight him on it instead of jumping at the first chance to not have to leave.
By the time he gets back to their apartment, Jungkook has two new message notifications.
mingyu<3
thank u for understanding baby ♡
unknown
get home safe
Jungkook stands in the doorway to his apartment, frozen midway through kicking his shoes off, and stares at the phone for several moments. He definitely feels a tension headache coming on. Enough time passes that his screen goes dark, and Jungkook huffs. He toes off his other shoe and only replies to one notification.
me
i’m home now
He throws the phone on the bed and strips off all his clothes, shoving them into the hamper before he heads to the bathroom to take the longest, hottest shower of his life. By the time the water finally starts to go cold, Jungkook’s skin is scalded pink, and he feels a bit less tense. He takes a double dose of cold medicine to knock him out for the night, pulls on a pair of pajama pants, and crawls into bed without doing his skincare. Before he plugs his phone in to charge, he checks his screen and finds one new message notification.
unknown
good
I hope you feel better soon
knj94
he is just such a dick
sugapd
i feel like it could be argued that u are in fact the bigger dick, actually
knj94
his fiancé said he was sick and he complained about it and then sent him home alone on a fucking train, hyung
who does that
sugapd
yeah, that sucked
knj94
and that’s AFTER he basically mocked jungkook in front of everyone
sugapd
that was also bad
you are very much still thirsting over an engaged man, tho, so like
glass houses
knj94
whatever
sugapd
not even denying it… oh things are worse than i thought
knj94
shut up, hyung
it’s not like I’m ever going to act on it
obviously
The next week, Mingyu invites Jungkook to come along to get drinks with his work friends again, and Jungkook accepts for the first time in nearly two months.
He reasons with himself: He had been going out for drinks with them on occasion for six months before he stopped, so it would look weird if he just stopped completely. He had been going out for drinks with them on occasion for six months before he stopped, and he hadn’t cheated on his fiancé for most of that time. He’s not going to do it again. It was one very big, very bad mistake— which he deserves to feel guilty about until he dies, but which he will never repeat.
The fact that he has been texting Namjoon every now and then since the company dinner party has nothing to do with going out with them again. He and Namjoon can just go back to what they were before— friends, or just friendly acquaintances, even— and forget anything ever happened between them. If Jungkook still thinks about it sometimes, well, it’s just because it’s still fresh in his mind, and the only sex he’s had recently is the guilty blowjob he gave Mingyu a few days ago to make up for the fact that he still can’t bring himself to let his own fiancé fuck him.
(Jungkook has started dreaming of Namjoon’s hands on him, and he’s never talked in his sleep before, but he’s terrified of what might happen if he starts now.)
Mingyu and everybody else from his work had headed to their favorite pojangmacha as soon as they left the office, and they're already crowded around a table outside one of the tents when Jungkook gets there to meet them. It’s the usual crowd: the marketing team plus Yoongi, who always gets an invite by virtue of being Namjoon’s best friend. They're also both good friends with Hoseok, one of the BigHit choreographers, but he isn't there tonight. It’s just as well, because there's only one spot left at the table.
That spot is right between Mingyu and Namjoon, because of course it is.
Jungkook sighs to himself, and only falters for a moment before he heads over to plop down in the seat.
“You made it!” Mingyu is red in the face, grinning hugely as he slides an arm around Jungkook. He's clearly already had a few drinks, but it's nice, the way it makes him a little more affectionate than he’s usually willing to be in public. Back when they were still in university, Jungkook had loved getting drunk with Mingyu for exactly that reason.
He tells himself that he's still enjoying it now, and that he doesn’t care at all about the fact that he can feel Namjoon watching them.
“I made it!” Jungkook replies, smiling and nodding at the rest of the table. They seem genuinely happy to see him, which really shouldn't be a surprise, but he always tends to second guess himself.
He’s barely sat down by the time Seokjin grabs an already open bottle of soju and pours Jungkook’s first shot, pushing it toward him with a grin. “We haven't seen you around here in forever, Jungkook-ssi! How’s the painting going?”
Jungkook accepts the shot with a grateful nod, quickly turning toward Mingyu to swallow it down before he answers. “It’s going well! I finally finished a big commission recently.”
“He’s been insane over it,” Mingyu sighs.
Jungkook shoots him a look, knowing logically that Mingyu isn't likely to start talking about their recent lack of a sex life right now, but also not quite being able to put it past him, considering the alcohol.
“I’ve had a bit of tunnel vision on the project,” Jungkook says tactfully. “But I’m excited to have gotten it done.”
Yoongi nods. “Ah, I get the same way with producing. Joon had to dig me out from under a pile of empty ramen cups and drag me outside to touch grass last week.”
Jungkook automatically looks over at Namjoon as Yoongi mentions him, just in time to see Namjoon turning to look at him as well. Namjoon is mid-laugh, eyes sparkling with amusement– no doubt remembering the manic state Yoongi had apparently been in a few days before– and Jungkook’s breath catches a little. He takes in tan skin, honey colored hair, a strong jaw, a pretty mouth–
Stop that, he tells himself. Or I’m walking into traffic.
Jungkook gives Namjoon a small, hesitant smile, and then he turns away again.
The rest of the night goes fine. Jungkook doesn't drink too much more, too nervous that he'll say or do something stupid, but the others go through three more bottles of soju before people start leaving. Seokjin goes first, then Jinyoung, and then another guy from marketing named Sanghee. Eventually, it's just Namjoon, Yoongi, Mingyu, and Jungkook. Which isn't that much of a nightmare at all, as long as Jungkook doesn’t think about it too hard.
The thing is, Namjoon used to be the one Jungkook talked to the most at these things. It’s how he had ended up… tempted, in the first place. The first time Jungkook came out to meet up with Mingyu and the others from his work, Namjoon had been the one to ask him what kind of art he was into after Mingyu had told the others that his fiancé was an artist, while Mingyu himself was busy tipsily discussing some ad campaign with Seokjin. Namjoon has an actual interest in art, and Jungkook had been relieved to be able to go back and forth with him about their favorite exhibitions that they’d seen recently instead of having to sit in awkward silence while Mingyu did his work schmoozing. They talked about art, music, whether or not mint chocolate chip ice cream deserved rights, and what dramas they’d watched recently. They clicked.
Jungkook thought that he was making a new friend. He started looking forward to meeting up with Mingyu and his work friends, because that meant he’d get to talk to Namjoon. He gave Namjoon his phone number.
By the time he realized that he was becoming attracted to Namjoon— that the feeling in his stomach when he heard the other man’s voice wasn’t nerves from social anxiety, but rather butterflies, and that it wasn’t just the alcohol making him flush when Namjoon leaned in close to look at something Jungkook was showing him on his phone— the tension around them was already thick enough to cut. Jungkook told himself that it was fine, that these things happened, and that it was normal as long as he didn’t act on it. Surely, everyone found themselves with a bit of a crush on someone like Kim Namjoon. It didn’t mean that anything would ever come of it.
And still, on the night when he looked up while licking soju from his lips and caught Namjoon looking at him with heat in his gaze, he chose to get up and follow the other man outside, knowing exactly what he was doing even though neither of them had ever spoken a single word to confirm anything like this between them. He’d left behind the others, borderline drunk and unsuspecting as they bickered over whether or not they should ask for more grape soju, and he’d walked into that alleyway knowing exactly what he wanted.
He can still see it perfectly in his head, nearly two months later— the way Namjoon had turned to face him, seemingly unsurprised to have been followed, and just looked at him for a moment.
They stood there in tense silence, Jungkook’s heart pounding almost painfully in his chest as he found himself unable to look away from the darkness in Namjoon’s eyes.
When Namjoon finally spoke, Jungkook felt his own breath hitch. “The way you’re looking at me right now…”
“Namjoon-ssi.” Jungkook’s voice sounded choked.
Namjoon took a step closer, watching Jungkook carefully, as if looking for any sign of retreat— any sign that Jungkook didn’t want him there. “You can call me hyung,” Namjoon told him. “If you want.”
Jungkook didn’t move back. He didn’t look away. He just nodded, wide-eyed. He knew he was on the precipice of something he could never take back, and in that moment, he didn’t care.
Namjoon’s lips quirked upwards, and then he was leaning in close, so close that Jungkook could feel warm breath on his ear. “Why are you looking at me like that?” he said lowly. “What do you want?”
Jungkook sucked in a breath, shaky. “Hyung…”
Suddenly, Namjoon’s hands were on his waist, warm as they slipped under the fabric of his shirt. Jungkook shuddered. The door to the restaurant could open. Anyone could come out. Anyone could come looking for them. Jungkook couldn’t bring himself to be worried about it.
“Hyung,” he said again. “Kiss me.”
And without a moment of hesitation, the hands on his waist were gripping hard, pushing him up against the wall, and holding him there steady as Namjoon did exactly what he asked and kissed Jungkook like he’d never been kissed before. Jungkook’s body felt lit up like a flare, burning hot just from the feeling of Namjoon’s lips against his own, and he was gasping, gripping onto Namjoon and pulling him in close, closer, their mouths hot and sweet with the flavored soju as Jungkook let Namjoon lick into him. Namjoon shifted, his thigh pushing between Jungkook’s legs, and Jungkook couldn’t stop himself from grinding against it, panting against Namjoon’s mouth. He felt entirely overcome, his soft, strangled whimpers echoing in the quiet alleyway as Namjoon stroked him over his pants, and then growing louder when Namjoon’s hand slid into his pants and gripped him skin to skin. Namjoon himself let out a moan when Jungkook fumbled to return the favor, finding him already hard and leaking and so fucking thick—
“Jungkook-ssi?” Yoongi taps gently at the table in front of him, and Jungkook jolts. He can tell it’s not the first time the older man said his name. “Are you okay?
He feels himself go bright red. He’d really let his mind wander like that.
“I’m okay,” Jungkook assures him, smiling weakly. He hooks a thumb in Mingyu’s direction. “He’s the one to worry about.”
Mingyu has definitely had more to drink than usual, and he’s veering slightly into sloppy territory. After being together for five years, Jungkook can tell when his fiancé needs to be cut off, but he hadn’t wanted to embarrass him in front of his coworkers.
“M’ fine,” Mingyu says, and Jungkook rolls his eyes. He still feels flustered, hates that he’d had a fucking sex flashback from the time he cheated while sitting right beside his fiancé, and hates that he’s afraid to look at Namjoon and somehow be caught out about it.
“Sure you are,” Jungkook says. “I’m gonna run into the convenience store over there and preemptively grab you a hangover drink. Can you guys keep an eye on him?”
He barely waits for a nod from Yoongi before he’s shooting out of his seat and rushing over to the store.
The door chimes overhead as Jungkook enters, and he nods to the girl at the register before he heads to the snack aisle. He takes a deep breath, tries to calm himself from the anxiety and the leftover arousal. Be normal, he tells himself. After a full minute of staring emptily at the shelves, he grabs a bag of honey crisps and turns to go get the hangover drink for Mingyu— only to find himself face to face with Namjoon.
“Jesus,” Jungkook hisses, one hand flying over his chest. “Namjoon-ssi.”
Namjoon looks simultaneously apologetic and amused. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Yoongi-hyung thought someone should go after you. He’s convinced you drank too much.”
“I barely drank at all,” Jungkook grumbles. He pushes past Namjoon and heads over to the drinks, frowning all the way. “I was just— zoned out.”
He can feel Namjoon following him, far more aware of the other man’s presence than he should be. “You’re sure you’re not drunk?” Namjoon asks. “You were awfully red in the face.”
Jungkook breathes out through his nose, embarrassed even though there’s no way for Namjoon to know what actually had him blushing. “I had, like, two drinks. I’m okay. It’s just hot.”
“It’s nighttime in March.”
“Anyway.”
Namjoon laughs, and infuriatingly, Jungkook feels himself going red again. He refuses to look at the other man, just swipes a couple hangover drinks and heads toward the counter.
“It’s okay,” Namjoon says. “I think it’s cute that you blush so easily.”
“Stop!” Jungkook snaps, even as his cheeks darken even more. “Just shut up!”
Namjoon just laughs again. “Okay, okay. Sorry.”
With a huff, Jungkook slaps his things down at the register. The cashier barely even looks at him, obviously bored as she checks him out. As Jungkook waits to pay, he hears Namjoon let out a quiet exclamation.
“What?”
When Jungkook turns to look at him, Namjoon is genuinely excited in a way that makes him look years younger than his actual age of 27. “They have the Pokémon bread here! They’ve been sold out everywhere else I looked.”
Jungkook blinks. “...Pokémon bread?”
“Yes!” Namjoon gathers up all five packs of bread from the display and cradles them in the crook of an arm. “Don’t tell me you haven’t heard about it. They come with little stickers. I really want a Dragonair one.”
My God, Jungkook thinks, before he can stop himself. Why is this making him more attractive?
It’s just endearing, is all. Seeing him be unabashedly enthusiastic over something as simple as Pokémon, instead of taking himself way too seriously like some people do once they’ve entered the corporate world.
People like Mingyu, Jungkook thinks, and then feels horrible.
“That’s cool,” Jungkook says out loud, as he pays for his things and grabs the bag that’s handed to him. “Guess it’s a good thing you followed me, after all.”
Namjoon flashes him a grin as he steps up to the register himself, seemingly uncaring about the look the cashier shoots at him when he pushes all the Pokémon bread toward her. As he watches Jungkook, there’s a playful look in his eyes. “It really has been hard to find these. Maybe you’re a good luck charm.”
“Shut up,” Jungkook says again, because it’s what he should do, but his words are belied by the way he can’t quite stop himself from smiling back.
Ten minutes later, Yoongi helps him wrap Mingyu’s arm around his shoulders, most of his fiancé’s weight shifting to be held up by Jungkook while they wait for the taxi Jungkook called to arrive. Apparently, the alcohol really hit Mingyu while Jungkook was in the store.
“You’re sure you’ll be able to get him home alone?” Yoongi asks doubtfully. “He’s… big.”
Jungkook snorts. “I’ll be okay, Yoongi-ssi. He’s long, but not heavy. This is what I go to the gym for.”
“Sorry, Kookie,” Mingyu groans into his shoulder, and Jungkook feels bad for feeling annoyed with him when really, he has no leg to stand on in their relationship right now. “Didn’t realize how much I was drinking."
“It’s fine, baby.” The pet name feels like a lie on Jungkook’s tongue these days, just knowing what he’s done, and it’s worse in front of Namjoon, who is the only other person who knows exactly what a terrible person Jungkook is. He swallows down the guilt, hefts Mingyu up a little, and nods politely— first at Yoongi, and then at Namjoon, who’s watching him with an unreadable expression. “Thank you both. I’ll see you around.”
It’s really not too bad getting Mingyu in and out of the taxi, and their apartment complex has an elevator, so getting him up to their floor isn’t bad, either. Jungkook plays the role of a dutiful boyfriend, making Mingyu wash his face and brush his teeth before helping him change into clean pajamas and guiding him into bed.
“Thanks,” Mingyu mumbles, as he curls up beneath their bedsheets and nestles into his pillow.
“It’s okay,” Jungkook says softly. He pauses, swallows, and says, “I love you.”
Mingyu yawns. “G’night, Kookie.”
Within moments, his fiancé is passed out cold. Jungkook bites his lip. He hesitates for a moment, just looking at Mingyu’s face, slack and peaceful with sleep. Then he gets up, walks into the kitchen, and pulls a beer out of the fridge. It’s still only 1AM, after all. He drains half the bottle in one go before he pulls his phone out of his pocket, leaning back against the counter.
unknown
you get home safe?
me
yeah
thanks for checking
unknown
ofc
no problem
me
hyung?
unknown
yeah?
me
i’m not a bad person
usually, anyway
unknown
jungkook
I’ve never thought that
me
what happened… i don’t do that
i’ve never done it before
i’m not that kind of person
unknown
I never thought that, either
me
i just wanted you to know
unknown
okay
me
:/
unknown
sorry! I swear I didn’t do that on purpose
me
ㅋㅋㅋ
goodnight hyung
unknown
goodnight, jungkook
Later that night, after Jungkook has washed up and climbed into bed with Mingyu, he stares at the ceiling and tries to figure out how he got here. He has everything that nineteen-year-old Jungkook had dreamed of— a promised future with Mingyu, a nice place to live, a growing career as an artist. He should be the happiest man alive. Yet as he rolls over and watches his fiancé sleep peacefully beside him, he feels empty inside. He feels almost like he could throw it all away.
He can’t, though. He’s gone too far to turn back now. There are too many people he’d be letting down— and even worse, too many people he’d be proving right. He can still hear his father’s voice in his head, telling him that his relationship with Mingyu would never last. Why can’t you just find a nice girl? his father had asked when Jungkook finally told his parents about the engagement, and he wasn’t even angry— just genuinely confused at Jungkook’s insistence on making life harder for himself by “choosing” to be gay. It’s been a year now since that conversation, and even if the internal breakdown he’s experiencing right now has nothing to do with his sexuality, Jungkook can’t stand the thought of looking into his father’s eyes while he says I told you so .
He can salvage this. He just has to start ignoring Namjoon: No more texting, no more drinks with Mingyu’s work friends, no more putting himself into situations where he might see Namjoon and want him. Jungkook has to cut him off completely.
The problem is, Jungkook can’t seem to stand the thought of doing that, either.
sugapd
do you remember dahye
knj94
???
you mean the mega-talented indie vocalist you produced a record breaking song for??
of course i remember dahye
why
sugapd
we keep in touch
she’s single
asked me if i knew any decent guys recently
knj94
oh brother
sugapd
i can tell her i have a friend who might be interested in going on a blind date
knj94
all of a sudden?
hyung, you know how I feel about blind dates…
sugapd
i think it might be good for you
you’re getting way too obvious
knj94
idk what you mean
sugapd
namjoon.
knj94
hyung.
sugapd
the way you were looking at him tonight was not subtle
it wasn’t even thirst. which is even worse
it was just like you were watching a really cute puppy
knj94
I have no idea what you’re talking about
we’re just friends
sugapd
joon
i am just trying to look out for you
mingyu is going to kick your ass someday when he notices the way you look at his fiancé
knj94
I am really not worried about kim mingyu
besides, if he couldn’t even make the effort to take his fiancé home while he was sick, what makes you think he’d make the effort to kick my ass just for looking
sugapd
it’s like watching a train crash. my god
knj94
I’m fine, hyung
you don’t need to worry about me
but I am not going on a blind date for you
sugapd
alright!
whatever you say
just remember i tried. and i warned you