Chapter Text
Renjun glanced up, watching as the digital red numbers counted down, letting him know how many floors away the elevator was before it would greet him in the lobby. He always felt so awkward coming here on his own. Today, he didn’t exactly have a choice. Donghyuck was working and he had already made plans to visit with Taeil tomorrow. Renjun didn’t want to be a third wheel and he was free now, so it made sense for him to come today.
He glanced down at the package in his hands, wondering if it was too late to ask the person at the front desk to keep it for him. Or maybe he could throw it into a trashcan and forget about it forever. The gift was wrapped in crisp lilac wrapping paper and tied around it was a ribbon made of white silk, creating a giant bow. He hoped that they liked it. Ten had told him not to bring a gift, but he couldn’t stop himself. His mother told him that it was always rude to show up to someone else’s home emptyhanded. Especially if the reason he was visiting was to meet a newborn baby.
The elevator chimed and the doors opened. Renjun took a step back, letting the small group of people who had been inside leave. He had been the only one waiting, so he entered the elevator once it was empty and then pressed the button for the penthouse. Renjun leaned against the back wall, glancing up at his reflection in the mirrored ceiling. It was the first day of August and the heat outside was nearly unbearable. He had chosen a dress to wear today, something light and comfortable that looked nice with his hair. Renjun had recently dyed it back to blond and it matched well with the green sundress he had chosen. Now, he was wondering if he was trying too hard to–
“Hold the elevator!”
Renjun jolted slightly, the voice taking him by surprise. He moved on instinct, stepping forward and reaching his arm out just as the doors were about to slide shut. His hand came into contact with someone else’s. It seemed that they both had reached out to stop the doors at the same time.
Once the doors opened fully, Renjun came face-to-face with Kim Doyoung. Sweat had matted his black hair to his forehead and he was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. Renjun had never seen him look so unrefined. His hand was still touching Doyoung’s arm and he quickly retracted it, the tips of his fingers brushing against Doyoung’s wrist.
“Renjun-ah,” Doyoung said.
It had been months since Renjun had seen him. He looked the same. As handsome as ever, even with sweat stains on his shirt.
He looked down to see a large teddy bear being held under Doyoung’s arm. Either he hadn’t gotten Ten’s message about gifts not being necessary, or he was choosing to ignore the request as well.
“I can…” Doyoung said. He took a step back, freeing up the space between the doors. “I can take the next elevator.”
Renjun leaned to the side, pressing the button to close the elevator. “I think you should take the stairs instead.”
His timing had never been so perfect. As soon as he finished his sentence, the doors shut. Donghyuck would be so proud.
Once Doyoung’s face was out of sight and the elevator started to move, Renjun slumped against the back wall. He couldn’t believe that Doyoung had chosen this exact day and hour to meet little Shufen for the first time.
The trip up to the penthouse was slow and he was almost tempted to time how long the elevator ride actually was. Then he would be able to know how much time he had until Doyoung joined him at their apartment.
Eventually, the elevator reached the top floor of the building. The doors slid open one more time and he looked down at the present he was holding, feeling even more worried than he had before. It wasn’t a secret that Kun and his mates were all absurdly wealthy. They had more money than Renjun would know what to do with in ten lifetimes, let alone just one. He knew that they wouldn’t need anyone to buy basic things that most people needed when they had a baby. They had even insisted on no gifts at all, so now he was wondering if they would think of it as a burden.
Renjun thought back to Doyoung and the big teddy bear under his arm. At least Renjun’s gift wasn’t that basic. He could already imagine Ten turning his nose up at it.
It had been awhile since he had stopped counting how many times he had visited their home. Renjun knew the passcode to their front door by heart and he knew that they never cared if he let himself in. They would be especially busy today, with so many visitors stopping by. Renjun imagined that, just like most days, they wouldn’t mind if he entered without knocking or texting them of his arrival.
Renjun entered the penthouse, taking his shoes off at the entryway before sliding into a pair of guest slippers. The foyer opened up to the main room, a huge living space with high ceilings and a wall of windows, showcasing a perfect view of Seoul. Even though he had been there countless times, he was always intimidated by how grand it was. He didn’t think he could ever live in a place so imposing.
Sitting on one of the couches in the living area, was Sicheng. He was wearing a pair of silk pajamas and his head was resting on Yuta’s shoulder as Yuta rocked a tiny bundle in his arms. Ten was standing behind the couch and staring down at Yuta, more than ready to strike if he did something wrong. Kun wasn’t anywhere in sight, but Renjun assumed he had most likely stepped away to use the bathroom or make something to eat.
“Hi,” Renjun said, keeping his voice soft as he approached them. Sicheng lifted his head from Yuta’s shoulder. He looked exhausted and Renjun could understand why. Giving birth must have taken all of his energy, even if he had done it a week ago. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you,” Sicheng said. He reached his arm out, patting the cushion next to him. Renjun placed his gift onto the coffee table before joining him on the couch. “I’m glad you’re here.”
The words, as simple as they were, made warmth settle in his chest. Renjun was an only child. He was so grateful for all of the friends he had made after moving to Korea. They were like family to him, but Sicheng truly felt like an older brother. Over the past six months they had really gotten to know each other. Renjun always felt safe with him, like he could tell him anything.
“I’m glad he’s here too,” Yuta said. “I need a break. I’m getting an arm cramp.”
“How is that even possible?” Ten asked. “She barely weighs anything. You’ve been holding her for less than ten minutes.”
“I’d still like a break,” Yuta said.
“Alphas are such babies,” Ten said.
He walked around the couch so that he was on the same side as them and then leaned down to take Shufen from Yuta’s arms. Ten held her close to his chest, smiling at the sleeping bundle before he looked at Renjun.
“Do you want to hold her?” he asked.
Renjun was almost embarrassed to admit that he had never held a baby before. He didn’t have any nieces or nephews, and his cousins had only had children recently, while he was living in Korea. None of his friends had kids either, so he hadn’t been around many.
He shifted slightly on the couch, nodding at Ten and hoping that he didn’t look too nervous. Ten bent down, gently placing her in his outstretched arms.
“Hold her close,” Ten said, his voice softer than Renjun had ever heard it. “Be sure to support her head. Lean back on the couch too, get comfortable.”
Renjun nodded again, taking in all of Ten’s advice as he settled against the plush couch. Sicheng was looking at his daughter now. She hadn’t stirred at all. Moving from one person’s arms to another’s did nothing to disrupt her slumber.
“She’s so pretty, gege,” Renjun said as he peered at her sleeping face. She didn’t have any distinct features yet. Everything about her was so soft and round. “She’s perfect.”
“She really is,” Sicheng agreed. He reached forward, running the pad of his index finger over the top of her head. She had only a few wisps of dark hair. “She’s an omega.”
“Really?” Renjun said. “I didn’t even think to ask. All newborns look the same, don’t they? It’s impossible to tell what they are.”
Ten sat down on Renjun’s other side and the three of them huddled together on the couch, watching Shufen’s peaceful face as she slept. Renjun felt like he could watch her forever and she wasn’t even his child. He couldn’t imagine what Ten and Sicheng felt when they looked at her.
“I’m going to head out,” Yuta said.
Renjun had completely forgotten about him. He startled slightly at the sound of Yuta’s voice and he hoped that he hadn’t disturbed Shufen. She was completely unaware though, continuing to snooze in his arms.
“Why?” Sicheng asked. “You haven’t been here that long. You can stay.”
“I have a flight to catch in the morning,” Yuta said. “I have a few more things to take care of before I go.”
Yuta was a complete mystery to Renjun. He barely knew anything about the man. Renjun knew that he was Japanese, an alpha, supposedly promiscuous, and that he cared about Mark. Or, at least, he used to care about Mark. After Mark had cut off contact with him, he wondered if Yuta still cared about him. Renjun was even wondering if he should tell Mark that he had seen Yuta today.
“You’re not going to leave for 50 years again, are you?”
Renjun was once again startled. He was better at containing his surprise this time though. Shufen remained safely secure in his arms, instead of rudely jostled. He looked over his shoulder to see Kun entering the living room from the kitchen. Renjun couldn’t remember ever seeing him so unpolished. He had his glasses on, as well as a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans that looked like they had seen better days.
“I might just be gone for 25 years, this time,” Yuta said, chuckling. “I’ll be back, don’t worry. Shotaro called last week. There’s some family business that I need to help with. I’ll be in Osaka for a while.”
“Don’t disappear on me again,” Kun said. He went to Yuta, placing his hands on his shoulders and looking him directly in the eyes. Yuta grinned before pulling Kun into a hug. “I mean it.”
“I’ll be back,” Yuta said. “You know I can’t survive without Sicheng for too long.” He patted Kun on the back and when Kun tried to pull away, Yuta only held on to him tighter. “Look after him for me. Take care of him.”
“Sicheng is my mate,” Kun said. “Of course I’m going to–”
“I didn’t mean Sicheng,” Yuta said, finally pulling away. “When you go back to the recording studio, or when he drops by to see Shufen, just… make sure he’s doing all right.”
So, Yuta did still care about Mark. Now Renjun really didn’t know if he should tell Mark that he had seen him. He was even more uncertain about whether or not he should share with Mark what Yuta had just said.
“I always look out for him,” Kun said. “You know that.”
They said a few more words, but they were speaking in Japanese this time. Renjun couldn’t understand them, but he was surprised to learn that Kun could speak the language. He really was a man of many talents.
“Let me say goodbye to the little one now,” Yuta said, switching back to Mandarin. That was a surprise as well. Renjun hadn’t even realized that they had all been speaking Chinese ever since he had arrived, even Yuta. He knelt down on the rug, right in front of Renjun. “Be good to your parents, little Qian Shufen.” His eyes went up to meet Renjun’s then, and he couldn’t stop his breath from getting caught in his throat. Yuta had always seemed intense to him, but now he was almost intimidating. “I’m glad I was able to see you again, Renjun.”
“You too,” Renjun said. “I mean, I… Have a safe trip.”
“Thanks,” Yuta said, grinning.
He said goodbye to Ten and Sicheng then, his attention leaving Renjun. His shoulders relaxed instantly and breathing became easier once more. Renjun didn’t know what it was about Yuta that scared him so much. He was so nice to everyone, but one look from him made Renjun feel like he couldn’t breathe. Mark was mild in nature. Renjun couldn’t understand why he found a person as intense as Yuta so compelling.
Kun walked Yuta to the door of the apartment while Renjun stayed on the couch with Ten and Sicheng. Shufen was still fast asleep in his arms, completely unaware of Yuta’s departure. Renjun continued to gaze at her sleeping face, finding a sense of calm wash over him. She was so at peace. Renjun wished he could have as many troubles as she did. His life would be a lot less stressful.
“What happened to you, Dons?” Yuta said once the front door had been opened. “You look like you took the stairs.”
“I did take the stairs,” Doyoung said.
Renjun reluctantly looked away from Shufen to look at the entryway instead. The apartment’s first floor was entirely open, so there were no walls blocking his view. Doyoung had finally made it up to the penthouse, but instead of taking the next elevator, he had apparently taken the stairs, just like Renjun had told him to do.
“Doyoung, this is the 36th floor,” Kun said.
“I know,” Doyoung said. “Can I get a glass of water?”
“Of course,” Kun said, looking very confused.
Yuta was leaning against the wall with his arms folded over his chest as Doyoung tried to catch his breath. Doyoung’s hair looked damp with sweat and he had even more noticeable sweat stains on his shirt.
“Why’d you take the stairs?” Yuta asked. “Are you doing some new fitness challenge? Renjun arrived before you and he took the elevator. The elevator didn’t break down just a few minutes ago, did it?”
“The elevator is fine,” Doyoung said. His hands were on his hips as he continued to breathe deeply. It seemed that he had not only taken the stairs, he had run up them. “I just… I felt like I should take the stairs. I never take the stairs. Why shouldn’t I take the stairs?”
“Because you look like you’re about to collapse,” Ten said.
“I’m fine,” Doyoung said, waving a dismissive hand in the air. “It was good for me. I work in an office. I don’t move around as much as I should.”
Renjun had to look away from him. He brought his attention back to Shufen and the peace he gained from her tiny, sleeping face. For some reason he couldn’t bear listening to Doyoung talk and come up with excuses, when Renjun knew that he was the reason why he had taken the stairs. He didn’t know why he did it, but he felt something expand across his chest at the thought of it, a warm feeling, something that was almost like a soft glow. Doyoung had done something that he asked him to do. Something that was burdensome and perhaps even painful, just because Renjun told him to.
He shook his head, trying to bring himself back from wherever his mind was trying to wander. The choices Doyoung made didn’t concern him. They were nothing to each other. Nothing he did mattered to Renjun.
“How long will you be gone?” Doyoung asked. Renjun tried his best to block out his conversation with Yuta, but he found himself listening in anyway. “What kind of family business do you have to attend to? Has there been a death? Should I take some time off from work to come with you?”
“You don’t have to do that,” Yuta said. “And… someone did pass away, but they were very old. My great-grandfather.”
“Hyung, I’m so sorry,” Doyoung said.
“You don’t have to apologize,” Yuta said. “He was nearly 100 years-old. It was his time to go.” He sighed heavily and Renjun glanced at them once more to see Yuta run a hand through his long hair. “I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. I’ll keep in touch though.”
Doyoung pulled him into a hug and their words from then on were muffled and difficult for Renjun to hear. And that was just fine by him. He could bring his attention fully back to Shufen now, who was shuffling a bit in his arms. Her eyes remained closed, but her nose was scrunching a bit. Renjun wondered what she was dreaming about.
Kun returned from the kitchen, carrying a glass of water. Doyoung was joining them now as well, since apparently Yuta had left while Renjun had been completely focused on Shufen. He took the glass from Kun, thanked him, and then proceeded to drink the entire cup in what looked to be one gulp.
“We told you not to bring gifts,” Kun said, rescuing the teddy bear that was still tucked under Doyoung’s arm. It was slightly smooshed and Renjun couldn’t help but to wonder if it was covered in sweat as well. “This wasn’t necessary.”
“I didn’t want to arrive emptyhanded,” Doyoung said. “And I got Johnny and Taeyong’s son a teddy bear too, so… They match, I guess.”
Renjun tried his best not to seem too interested in that statement. He didn’t know Johnny and Taeyong very well. Most of what he did know was secondhand from Donghyuck. Renjun had heard that Taeyong had given birth just three weeks ago, making his son only two weeks older than Shufen.
“I guess their teddy bears can be friends, too,” Ten said. His eyes went to the coffee table where Renjun’s present was left untouched. “Can we open this now?” He picked it up and his eyes instantly widened. “I can already tell what it is. I already know that we’re going to like it more than the teddy bear.”
“Don’t say that,” Renjun said. He was starting to regret bringing the present now. None of them would have cared if he had shown up without a gift. Now he was too worried that they wouldn’t like what he had brought. “It’s… It’s just something that I finished in one evening. It’s small and not that special. If you don’t like it or if it doesn’t look good in the nursery or… I didn’t even take the color scheme you had into consideration. Just put it in a bathroom or a closet or–”
“I’m not hanging a piece by Huang Renjun in a bathroom,” Ten said. “And definitely not in a closet.”
He untied the ribbon while Shufen started to become a bit more active in his arms. She was waking up and suddenly, for some ludicrous reason, Renjun wanted her to go back to sleep. He didn’t want her to see the painting. Renjun was sure that she wouldn’t like it, despite Shufen only being seven days-old and having no thoughts in her head besides wanting to eat and sleep. He wasn’t even sure if her vision had fully developed yet.
“Oh, Renjun,” Kun said once Ten finished ripping the wrapping paper away. “This is too much. You shouldn’t have.”
“It’s…” Renjun said, more than aware of how weak his voice sounded. “It’s not much.”
“I love it,” Ten said. “It’s perfect. You’re so talented. You know how much we love your art.”
Renjun settled even further into the couch, hoping to sink into the cushions and disappear. Shufen was still held securely in his arms as her parents commented on his painting. He really didn’t think it was that much. The painting was on a small canvas, since he didn’t want to force a large art piece on their hands. He stuck to his usual themes while painting. Renjun loved painting with vibrant colors and abstract, dreamy images. He had tried more realistic styles of art, and he wasn’t bad at it, but he always went back to soft and sweet imagery instead.
This painting was of a night sky, with stars of different sizes and colors. A large crescent moon was in the center and he had even managed to add a small flock of doves, flying across a ribbon of pink and purple clouds.
“It’s beautiful,” Doyoung said.
The words took him by surprise for more than one reason. Renjun pealed his eyes away from Kun, Ten, and Sicheng who were still fawning over his painting. Doyoung was standing in front of them, somehow looking more awkward without the teddy bear than he had while holding it. Renjun had been speaking to the other three in Mandarin, not even caring to switch over to Korean just for Doyoung’s sake.
He hadn’t expected Doyoung to comment on the painting and he definitely hadn’t expected him to speak in Chinese. His accent was bad and his tone uncomfortable, but Renjun could still understand his words.
“My firm,” Doyoung said, now speaking Korean. “The law firm where I work, we have a few Chinese clients. They want me to learn, so I’ve been… I’ve been trying. I only know about ten words though.”
“And one of those words is ‘beautiful?’” Renjun said before he could stop himself.
“Yes.”
“Why would you need to learn that word while working for your law firm?”
Renjun didn’t want his words to come across as accusatory as they did. He didn’t even know why he felt so upset.
“I don’t need to learn it for work,” Doyoung said. “It’s just a word that I wanted to learn.”
The apartment was so quiet. Renjun was staring at Doyoung, for once not shying away from his gaze and seeking refuge by looking somewhere else. The other three had stopped talking and Renjun knew that if he took his eyes away from Doyoung, that he would be met by their stares.
A soft whimper interrupted the heavy silence. It was soon followed by a wail. Renjun inhaled sharply, taking his eyes off of Doyoung and bringing them back to Shufen. She was wide awake now and very unhappy, if her red face and loud protests were anything to go by.
“I’ve got her,” Sicheng said. Unlike Renjun, he hadn’t frozen at all. Sicheng took his daughter from him. “She’s never happy when she wakes up from a nap.” He held her close and started to speak to her softly, his lips touching the top of her head as she cried. “Let’s go check your diaper and then get you some milk.”
“I’ll come with you,” Ten said. He had Renjun’s painting in his arms. “I can bring this to the nursery.”
“Don’t forget this too,” Kun said, handing Ten the teddy bear as well. Sicheng was already halfway up the stairs by the time Ten left the couch, cradling the painting in his arms while the teddy bear’s neck was clamped under his armpit. “Sorry, Doyoung. You can get a chance to hold her soon. It won’t take long for them to change her diaper. You can help feed her, if you want.”
“That’s all right,” Doyoung said. “I need to get going anyway.”
“But you just got here,” Renjun said.
His words surprised himself. He had been staring at the staircase, watching Sicheng and Ten disappear upstairs. Renjun wasn’t even looking at Doyoung while he spoke, but the words seemed to have escaped from him anyway.
He turned his head to look at Doyoung, finding that the more he looked at him, the easier it became to make eye contact with him.
“You came here to see Shufen, didn’t you?” Renjun continued. “Why would you leave before even getting a chance to hold her?”
Doyoung didn’t seem to have an answer to that. Renjun could tell that he was taken aback. He imagined that everything he had done today had surprised Doyoung. Renjun couldn’t help but to wonder what he looked like in Doyoung’s eyes. Who was he to Doyoung? Was he Jeno’s quiet friend who was always shy around him? That had to be how Doyoung had seen him for years, ever since they had met when Renjun was still in high school.
Renjun wasn’t that shy, awkward omega anymore. It seemed that Doyoung was just now figuring that out. He wanted to know if Doyoung liked what he was discovering, but Renjun quickly pushed those thoughts out of his mind. It didn’t matter what Doyoung thought of him.
“You’re right,” Doyoung said. “I should stay for a bit longer. I don’t have any plans until the evening anyway.”
Pressing his lips together, Renjun tried his best to stop himself from asking what his plans were. Luckily, Kun asked for him.
“What plans?” he asked. “Do you have a date tonight?”
“No,” Doyoung said. “Nothing like that. I’m getting dinner with Jaehyun.”
“Oh,” Kun said, nodding slowly. “Tell him that we’re waiting for him to stop by. We haven’t even heard from him since Shufen was born.”
“I’ll let him know,” Doyoung said. He sat down on the couch, finally making himself comfortable. “This isn’t easy for him. It’s not…” Doyoung sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Well, you know why. I don’t need to explain it to you.”
“I know,” Kun said. “I just hope he knows that he’s not unwelcome here. He means a lot to Sicheng, and to Dejun too now. We want him to stop by. He should meet Shufen.”
Renjun was so grateful that Donghyuck was a terrible eavesdropper who couldn’t keep gossip to himself. He had lost count of how many times he had come home, going straight to Renjun and telling him all of the secrets he had learned while “accidentally” overhearing someone else’s conversation.
Kun and Doyoung’s words didn’t make much sense without any of the context that Renjun had, thanks to Donghyuck. Jaehyun was an alpha and one of their mutual friends, Doyoung’s best friend in fact. Sicheng and Jaehyun used to date, but had broken up years ago. Jaehyun was still in love with Sicheng, but obviously Sicheng had moved on with not one, but two mates. Now, Jaehyun was dating Dejun, one of Sicheng’s friends.
“Shouldn’t you be helping them?” Renjun asked. He pushed himself into their conversation easily enough, hoping to bring the topic back to something he could comment on. “Or are you going to be an alpha who never learns how to change a diaper?”
“I’ve lost count of how many diapers I’ve changed,” Kun said, “and she’s only a week-old. I let Ten help Sicheng this time. Imagine if Ten had been the one left to keep Doyoung company. How would that have gone?”
“Doyoung-hyung would have left by now,” Renjun said.
“He would have been humiliated in a matter of seconds,” Kun said. “This is an act of charity, on my part.”
“I’m sitting right next to you,” Doyoung said.
“I’m aware of that,” Kun said, patting Doyoung on his shoulder. He stood up and then stretched his arms over his head. “I should go check on them now. You two are going to be all right by yourselves, aren’t you? I remember what happened the last time you two were in my home together.”
“We’ll be fine,” Renjun said. His cheeks were heating up at the memory. “I can behave.”
“So can I,” Doyoung said.
With a smile that had no business looking as friendly as it did, Kun went to the stairs and made his way to the second floor so that he could assist his mates. Doyoung and Renjun stayed seated on the couch in the living room, a long silence hanging awkwardly between them. Renjun’s mind continued to travel as they sat.
He hated that Kun had brought up his last encounter with Doyoung. It had been in this exact spot. Renjun had shown up to a dinner party, in tears and devastated after being stood up on a date with one of his classmates. Doyoung had approached him and tried to apologize for… it didn’t matter.
Renjun shook his head. None of it mattered. He needed to stop thinking about it.
His wrist suddenly felt like it was burning and he remembered how Doyoung had grabbed it then, pulling him close to his chest and telling him that–
Stop it. He shouldn’t be thinking about this. Renjun had nothing to do with Doyoung. They had nothing to do with each other. Their paths had crossed before in such arbitrary ways. None of it meant anything.
“Don’t walk away from me.” Renjun quickly stood up from the couch, his hands formed into fists at his sides. “Because I don’t think I’ll be able to bear it.”
All of the courage he had possessed before was gone. Being able to boldly make eye contact with Doyoung and act as if he were unaffected was impossible for him now. One single, stupid memory was enough to bring him back to the start, transforming him into the shy version of himself that he was before.
“Renjun-ah,” Doyoung said. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” Renjun said. His heart did a flip in his chest at the tone of Doyoung’s voice, at how softly he said his name. “I’m… I’m going to see if they need help with the dishes.”
It was not a very good excuse, but it would have to do. He imagined that new parents were busy, that they didn’t have much time to do anything. Renjun left the main room and headed toward the kitchen, hoping for the first time in his life that a huge pile of dirty dishes would greet him in the sink.
“Renjun,” Doyoung said, following him into the kitchen. “Renjun, I want to talk to you.”
He didn’t answer him. Renjun entered the kitchen and went straight to the sink. There were three bowls and one cup in it. They owned a dishwasher as well. Renjun opened it, wishing to find that it was full of clean dishes that needed to be put away. It was empty.
“I’ve said things to you in the past that were… inappropriate,” Doyoung said. “And I’ve apologized for them, but I realize that those apologies weren’t good enough. I only made those apologies so that Jeno wouldn’t be upset with me. You know how much I care about him. He’s my cousin, but he’s more like a brother. Sometimes, I feel like Jeno is more of a brother to me than my own brother. You know Donghyun, don’t you? Or maybe I should call him Gong Myung. That’s the name people are most familiar with, anyway. He’s always busy. He’s an actor and now he’s in the military. I don’t see him as often as I’d like to, but I see Jeno all of the time and I know what Jeno’s friends mean to him and you’re one of his closest friends and–”
“Why are you telling me this?” Renjun said, turning around so that he could face him. “What does any of that mean? What do you want from me?”
Renjun didn’t expect Doyoung to be able to answer any of those questions. His rambling was a clear indicator that he was feeling just as lost as Renjun was. It felt like he had more of the power though. Doyoung was taller than him and Renjun had his back against the counter, the nearly empty sink right behind him. He could leave if he wanted to, but somehow the position he was in made him feel like he was trapped.
“Do you remember the last time we did the dishes together?” Doyoung asked. “I think about it a lot. I don’t know why. Probably because that’s when everything started.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It was at Jeno and Jaemin’s stupid wedding–”
“Their wedding wasn’t stupid.”
“Fine,” Doyoung said. “It’s wasn’t stupid. It was ridiculous and… and I spent the entire evening with you. You showed me how to work Jaemin’s camera and then we talked for the rest of the night and I wanted to ask you to dance with me. That’s… That’s what I wanted more than anything, I wanted to dance with you, but we somehow ended up doing the dishes and instead of asking you to dance, I asked you to–”
“You wanted me to come back to your apartment with you,” Renjun said. “You wanted to fuck me.”
“I…” Doyoung said. “I did.” His eyes were on the floor. Renjun wondered if Doyoung had always looked like this, tired and apologetic and so unlike the vision of him that Renjun carried around in his head. “I shouldn’t have asked you that.” He finally looked up, meeting Renjun’s eyes. “I should have asked you to dance.”
He wanted to tell Doyoung that it wasn’t too late. Renjun wanted to tell him that if he asked him right now, that he would gladly twirl around with him in someone else’s kitchen. Those were words that he couldn’t say though.
“But you didn’t,” Renjun said.
Doyoung took a few steps toward him. Renjun’s breath hitched and he pushed himself back against the counter, his hands coming up to grip the edge of it. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest and he could feel his face became warm and flushed.
He couldn’t look away from Doyoung, even if he wanted to. Their eyes were locked on to each other’s. Renjun felt like he was frozen on the spot.
“Guess who’s awake!” Ten’s voice called out, carrying across the first floor of the penthouse. “Shufen is ready to meet her Uncle Doyoung!”
Doyoung held his gaze for just a second longer before he blinked several times, breaking free from whatever trance had been held over him. He turned away from Renjun, not taking any steps to leave the kitchen, but not looking at Renjun anymore.
“I’m ready too!” he replied.
Doyoung stayed still and Renjun glanced down at his hands, watching as they opened and closed a few times. And then Doyoung was exiting the kitchen and leaving Renjun by himself.
Renjun let out a huge exhale once he was truly alone. He slumped against the counter and tried his best to silently will his heart into calming down. Renjun tried to think of every single awful encounter he had ever had with Doyoung. He thought about the humiliating moments and how horrible he had felt after every single one.
He couldn’t allow himself to feel like this any longer. Renjun didn’t want anything to do with Doyoung anymore. Kim Doyoung was bad for his heart, so Renjun knew that he would have to do everything in his power to keep him locked out of it.