Chapter Text
Her first dance of the season – with the Viscount. Kate knew what Edwina wanted her to do, to push the Viscount to propose. But in this moment she could think of nothing beyond his eyes, locked on hers, the connection magnetic between them.
She knew the steps to every dance, she had to so that she could teach Edwina. This emotion though, this unending pull between them, this she never could have anticipated or prepared for.
The Viscount drove her mad; his need to be right (that mirrored hers), his competitiveness (no greater than hers), his focus on duty (that she well understood). If he were not pursuing her sister than she thought they would be rather good friends, or perhaps something more when she thought of the hitch in her breath when he wrapped his arms around her in the woods or the draw of her eyes to his lips when the bee had stung her.
Even now, she could speak of nothing when he looked at her. Thankfully for her own state of mind and her sister’s desires, the dance called her a change in position, her back against his chest. Free from the spell of his eyes, she asked, “Do you have something you wish to ask me, my lord, about my sister?”
Anthony felt his heart sink. For a few rare moments, his mind had been quiet – well perhaps not quiet but wholly consumed by his partner, but with her words he was drawn back to the present.
Did he want to ask Kate about Edwina? His head said yes, get this over so that he could marry, fulfill his duty, and free himself from this torment caused by Kate Sharma. But his heart screamed at him to free himself from this trap that he had set for himself, to do what he wanted.
Duty to family first.
“If I were to ask for her hand, would you give me your permission?”
Kate’s heart sank, what was she to do? “I want my sister to be happy,” she said quietly, seeing Edwina smiling at them.
“Do you think I can make her happy?”
“That is a better question for you. Can you make her happy?”
Rich, respected by society, perhaps content in her life, but Anthony was rather sure that happiness was not in his future and if she married him, it would not be in hers. Would that be enough for Miss Edwina? Was it too little for him after knowing Kate?
Kate could not linger in the quiet, her mind far too active so as she turned in his hold to face him again, she said, “If your silence is any indication that you are reconsidering your declaration…”
Reconsider – that word stuck. What is possible? “Is that what you want from me, to reconsider?” he asked rather urgently.
Kate hesitated, did she want him to reconsider? Yes, desperately. Both due to her unexplored feelings towards him and because she was quite sure that he and Edwina were not a good match. To the second, she was defeated by her sister’s wants – Edwina wanted the Viscount so despite Kate’s misgivings, her sister would have what she wished which defeated her first point of opposition. With eight years of experience giving up what she wanted to keep her family whole, she would do the same now despite the shattering of her heart which she rather thought meant that she loved him.
“It does not matter what I want,” Kate whispered, eyes cast down.
“I do not think that is true.”
Kate looked at him sharply, “I did not think you a hypocrite, Lord Bridgerton.”
Anthony was surprised at her words and vehemence.
“You love your family entirely, Lord Bridgerton, with everything you have.”
“Of course. As do you.” It was something he respected in her, that shared feeling of love and duty they both had for their families, even as it made courting Miss Edwina a challenge.
“Knowing that, I don’t think either of us are prone to seeking what we want when our family is in need.”
Anthony sighed, “Of course. You're right, of course.” He hesitated – he had been seeking to marry Miss Edwina all season and all he had to do was ask. But now he couldn’t picture this sedate, perfect, emotionless future. So he posed, “Is that the way it should be? Should we not also seek happiness for ourselves?”
“How could I allow myself to be happy when my happiness would hurt my sister?” Kate burst out, drawing the eyes of a few nearby couples.
“How would your happiness hurt her?” he asked hopefully, ignoring the attention on them.
Kate shook her head and lowered her voice, “Please don't ask me that, my lord. It does no good to speak on something that can never be. Something that I don't even understand.”
“Is that not every reason to speak on it?”
“You would push me to hurt my sister, and yet you won't say how you feel. Why must I be the one? We are in this unending loop and I see no escape from it,” Kate was broken, she could do no more.
Anthony looked down. He had put them in this loop in his adamancy at courting and wedding the diamond. Even when he felt this connection to Kate from the first day they had met. Why hadn't he pursued her? Because I don't want love in a marriage. Well, too late. He felt something for Kate and he rather suspected that it was love, or at least well on its way to love.
So he wouldn't have love in his marriage. It would always be hovering on the outside, tormenting him, tormenting her.
Anthony’s silence spurred her speak. “I’m to return to India, the moment my sister marries.”
Movement ceased, how could he dance with that kind of shattering news. Thankfully it was the end of the dance, so attention was diverted from them as couples began to depart the floor. “You would abandon her?” he hissed. You would abandon me?
Kate shook her head, “Far from it. She will be married, she will not need me.” And there was no place for her in England, the spinster sister, once Edwina was married.
“I will need y…,” Anthony stopped himself, just starring at her. He couldn’t do this any longer. “Come with me.” He near dragged her from the ballroom and to his study, slamming the door behind them.
“My lord, what is the meaning of this?” she yanked her hand free from his.
“You cannot leave,” he ordered.
“Would you rather I stay here? Watch you married to my sister,” Kate cried out. “Even you cannot hate me that much.”
“Tell me what you feel,” he begged.
“You tell me!”
“Arrgh,” Anthony shouted. “You frustrating woman. Fine, you want to know how I feel. I feel vexation – no woman has even challenged me like you do. You drive me to distraction.” He stepped closer, raising his hand to caress her cheek, her neck, the scent of lilies enveloping him, “I feel passion, like my blood is burning for you.” He sighed, resting his forehead against hers, “I feel understood. I think you are the only person in the world that truly understands me. I feel fear that I want you and that I will lose you. That is how I feel, Kate.”
Kate gasped, trying to catch her breath from his confession. How dare he break down her walls like this. She had to respond. “I feel…I feel want. I haven't wanted anything in years, but I do want you. They say opposites attract, but we are the exact same – the same stubborn nature, the same unceasing competitive streak, the same duty to family. And all of that has made me love you,” she couldn’t stop the tears that fall, “and that breaks my heart because it can never be.”
Anthony seized her lips, arms wrapped around her waist, kissing her with a passion. Her taste was as intoxicating as her smell, her passion equal to his, as she was in everything, as she sank her fingers in his hair and pulled him closer.
This was all consuming madness and they both were addicted.
Rational sense slowly returned, the world’s expectation weighing in as they separated, Anthony still holding tight to her hands. “I know I have made everything worse, but surely we can fix this. I cannot imagine my life without you, Kate,” he admitted. “We deserve the chance to be happy. I will fight for it, Kate, I will fight for you. I love you.” As the words burst out, he felt more free than he had since his father died – why had he been denying love for so long.
He loved her, Kate nearly wept again, but all the obstacles. “The scandal…”
“It will pass,” he promised. “We won’t.”
“Edwina. She thinks that she is in love with you.”
Anthony shook his head, “She can’t be. She doesn’t know the real me because I’ve never showed her. Like you said, she deserves to marry for love. I will speak with her in a morning, I will end everything.”
“She's going to hate me,” Kate gasped. She had given her entire adult life to her sister, whether it had been asked for or not. How could she rip away Edwina’s hopes and dreams for her own selfish ends.
“She won't,” Anthony promised, hoping his words were true. “She loves you like you love her. Marrying her would not be fair when you would be all I can think of. She'll understand that we never meant this to happen.”
“What did happen?”
“Despite all of my efforts, and there were plenty,” he gave her a charming grin, as his hands settled on her hips and he pulled her closer, “I fell in love with the woman I met at dawn on horseback. She seems to have raced away with my heart without me being aware.”
Kate chuckled wetly, “I thought you weren't a poet, my lord.”
“I leave the poetry to Benedict. And it’s Anthony.”
“Anthony,” she whispered, kissing him lightly.
“Will you give us a chance, Kate?” he murmured against her lips. “Let me fix this?”
“Yes.” He wrapped her in a tight hug, his face buried in her neck, and she sighed. She felt safe and loved.
A knock at the door broke them apart. “Brother,” Daphne's voice called out.
The couple took a step apart, but Anthony kept a hold of Kate's hand and gave her a supportive smile. “Come in, Daphne.”
Entering, Daphne looked at them with concern though Anthony could detect a knowing gleam in her eyes. “What's going on here?” she asked.
“Sister,” Anthony raised Kate's hand and pressed a kiss to it, “I, we, need your help.”
Daphne smiled, “Of course.”