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“Hey, Matt, you and Zacky wanna come with us? We’re gonna have a few drinks down at the hotel bar.”
Brian had directed his question at me, snapping me out of my numb mindlessness. Why did they always ask me if Zack and I wanted to do something? As if I decided for both of us. When the truth was, right now, I couldn’t think of making any kind of decision. My mind was blank, numb, running scared from what happened earlier…
Brian still looked at me waiting for an answer. Blankly, I stared at him as well as at Jimmy and Johnny who stood behind him expectantly and then turned helplessly to Zack who immediately gathered that something was amiss, turned to our friends and said in an apologetic but firm tone:“Sorry guys, I think we’re gonna stay in tonight.”
He took my hand and led the way to our room. That earned us a rather surprised look from one Brian Haner Jr., a shrug from Jimmy and a pensive look from Johnny. I briefly wondered why Brian had been so surprised, but my mind couldn’t dwell on it. It just wanted to retreat back into the numbness.
When we reached our hotel room, Zack opened the door and let us in. I rushed to the double bed and just let myself fall down, staring at the ceiling for a moment and then burying my face in my hands, heaving a sigh. I felt a bit better now in the safety of our room but my mind was still restless and the muscles in my arms and legs were still coiled tightly ready to flee.
When I didn’t feel the bed dip with my lover’s weight beside me, I took my hands off my eyes and searched the room for him. Zack hadn’t moved far into it yet; his arms crossed over his chest and a thoughtful look on his face, he leaned against the bathroom door. I sat up and for a moment we stared at each other. And I knew that he wanted me to tell him what happened that had made me loose my cool, made my heart race frantically in fear even just remembering it...
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t admit to it. It was all so stupid, because in my head, I knew that I had never been in any real danger, but my heart and my body would not acknowledge that fact. Zack sighed almost inaudibly, pushed himself off the wall and came to stand before me. I wrapped my arms around his hips and pulled him in, pressing the side of my face in his t-shirt clad stomach. His fingers played with my hair and he softly said:
“I think, we’ll need the black ones tonight.”
I still couldn’t speak, so I just nodded my head and clung to him like a drowning man clings to a lifeline. Zack took hold of my chin and made me look into his eyes, before he ordered:
“Take off your clothes and sit on the bed while I get the ropes.”
With that order a big part of the pent up emotion seemed to unwind inside of me. Sometimes my controlled machismo and bravado felt like a mask I was wearing for the benefit of others, hiding my insecurities and fears. And sometimes it all became too much. Today was one of those days. The moment Zack’s order rang out though, I could begin to let go.
I did as I was told; closing my eyes and trying to relax. I had just sat down when I felt my partner standing between my thighs. I opened my eyes again and looked up to him, seeing the love and concern in his eyes as he said:
“Before we do this, I want you to tell me what happened. I think I know which situation caused this, but I want you to tell me. I want you to let go of it, Matt. Trust me and let go of your fears.”
Still unsure of what to do, I averted my eyes. Zack waited for a moment before he softly caressed my cheek and turned my head again so that I looked into his calm green eyes. I couldn’t say what changed, but something had and the whole story just broke free.
Tonight at the show during the encore, I had hopped down into the pit and gone to the fans. I still frequently did this, so that had been nothing new. It was amazing to have that contact with the fans, but today… As I had stood on the barrier, some of the fans had taken hold of me and neither I nor the guards in the pit had been fast enough to react and, suddenly, I had been involuntarily crowd-surfing away from the stage.
I never would have thought that I ever would feel so… small in my life; so helpless. I was incapable of protecting myself from all these hands groping me, dragging me around, and yanking on my clothes. They had touched my legs, my arms, and face, had pinched my bottom and almost ripped my shirt of. Someone had even tried to tug my shoes off. They made me feel… dirty, because I had no say whatsoever in who was allowed to touch me and who damn well wasn’t. But above all I was afraid of what they could and would do to me.
“I… it was terrifying, Zack. I couldn’t do anything. I was at their mercy. Sure, they brought me back to the pit… I just don’t… I don’t even want to think about what could have happened, if they hadn’t. I mean, I know that the fans wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, but the sheer force of the crowd was threatening. And what if even only one of them would have thought of pulling me down into the anonymous masses of people?”
I had to pause. Even now I felt my hands start to shake when I thought of the events of this evening. But now that I had started, I couldn't stop.
“Rationally, I know that it is probably bullshit, but Zack… My mind worked on overdrive, but I had no idea what I could do to make them return me to the stage; and let’s be honest, I couldn’t have done anything… I had no control over the situation. I felt that it was all in the hands of the fans and I never felt that unsafe before. I feared for my life then. And it felt like I couldn’t do a damn thing to stop it.”
During my tale, Zack had gone down on one knee in front of me, so that our eyes were on the same level until his jade eyes held me captive. He reassuringly ran his hand through my hair before telling me gently:
“Thank you for trusting me with this, for baring your feelings to me. I know that you don’t like to do that… Now, let’s make you feel safe again.”
He breathed a kiss on my forehead and then ordered me to stand right next to the bed. I watched him as he prepared everything thoroughly and in complete silence.
The pocket knife, as always, was placed on the nightstand just if - in case of an emergency - where I had to be freed fast. He laid out the black ropes on the bed beside me. We had marked them by colour. Black was for situations when we needed to feel safe. The red ones buried in the depths of my bag, we used when we wanted to play…But tonight was all about feeling safe again. Secure.
Zack took a rope and, focusing on his work, folded it in two. I watched him. And the mere view of him handling the rope with care and concentration, made me relax somewhat. Then he started binding me. He laid the middle of the rope around my neck, twining the two ends together, going in a straight line down my torso, slipping it between my thighs and going up my back again. He worked with practised motions, swift but without haste and I loved to feel the brush of my lover’s fingers on my body. Contrary to the groping hands of the fans, Zack’s soft caresses made me feel safe. They too moved all over me, but there was nothing rough about them; just a gentle lover’s touch.
Settling the rope ends over my shoulders, Zack began the weaving, criss-crossing my torso, pulling and tightening rope into patterns. Bit by bit I lost control of my body’s mobility. Willingly I handed that control over to Zack and it felt so amazing, so calming that I lost myself in the feeling of his light touches, trusting my lover with everything I was and will ever be. I felt that I could trust him with my life, my body, heart and soul.
It seemed only moments later that he worked the same magic on my legs, weaving a spiders’ net around each of my thighs and calves before binding my ankles. The reassuring touches of his gentle fingers successively lessened the panic I still felt remembering this evenings’ events. And with every slip of rope, every woven pattern, every caress of my lover’s hands, I felt more secure. I could let go of my fears bit by bit - they fell from me like ripe apples fall from a tree.
Soon enough Zack was finished and I was bound in immobility. He gently pushed me down again, pulling my legs up and placing me in the middle of the bed. Lying there I felt the ropes encase me in their firm embrace, giving me a new feeling of safety. I closed my eyes, just listening to my heartbeat and the hushed noises of Zack taking off his clothes.
Moments later I felt my lover’s naked form settle next to me, pulling the covers up over both of us. He lay on my right side, sprawled halfway on top of me, burying his nose in the crook of my neck, his arm and leg thrown over my bound body. I loved feeling his nearness, him being pressed against me - his quiet breaths echoing multiplied in my ears - and his fingers caressing my shoulder. With him by my side, I felt the last remnants of my fears flow out of my thoughts. As I lay bound and utterly relaxed, I slowly started to slip away into my dreams. I knew that he would watch over me. The ropes may have given me my safety, but only Zack could give me peace of mind.