Chapter Text
i.
“That’s when I chose to be honest. In retrospect, I probably could not have picked a worse time.” – Charlie, The Perks of Being A Wallflower
It was their first night alone for a while. The 3Cs weren’t present: no cameras, no Channing, no counselors—well, except for EJ. Ricky almost didn’t come. Spending the time alone in his cabin with his guitar and a Netflix show to binge—he was currently on Heartstopper—sounded like the perfect night. But Carlos, who he’d gotten considerably closer to since the beginning of last semester, and Jet, who he’d wordlessly taken under his wing, pushed.
“This is technically my first high school party,” Jet had pleaded. “It’s not mine,” Carlos shrugged. “I just want you to come. And won’t take no for an answer.”
So, sighing, yet secretly appreciative for the push, Ricky came. They were all gathered in the forest, the old gang with the exception of Seb, Nini, and Big Red. New to the group were Jet and Maddox. And…sitting next to him now on a log to his right, Lily. Who very obviously had a crush on him. One that he didn’t exactly refuse, but didn’t reciprocate either. They’d never actually gone on a date, but word had spread that he called her on opening night, and that they’d been texting for a while before camp. A sick part of him wanted to know what Gina had thought when she inevitably heard. Was she jealous?
He didn’t have a right to think that though, he knew. He was on thin ice with Gina Porter, and he was doing everything in his power not to pierce the ground she walked on with any wrong move. In fact, right now he was sitting beside her, the junior on his left, her long braids hanging over her shoulder as she talked to her boyfriend. He closed his eyes so he could roll them in peace at the idea. EJ was nodding at everything she was saying, like someone who couldn’t actually understand the words. Gina’s yellow dress was draped above her knees, and her legs swung as she talked. Like…she was interested in him or something.
So, to get through this, sitting next to her without losing his mind, Ricky zoned out.
He focused first on the fire in the center of them all, hovering over a pile of rocks and kindling. The ashy scent mixed with the smell of the trees bordering the campgrounds, tall and green and shadowy in the night. The sky was so dark, the stars looked like little pinpricks of white paint. It grounded him for a moment, then drew him into a memory.
Homecoming night, right after Gina had pecked a kiss on his cheek in Red’s car, then walked up to her front porch after bidding him goodnight. He was filled with something light and heavy at the same time, the warmth from her lips still on his face. He knew he couldn’t drive all the way home without calming himself down first. But he couldn’t just freak out in her driveway. So, he drove about a block down. He parked, got out of the car, and leaned against its door, his head spinning. He looked up at the sky. The motionless sea of blue-black and white. You love Nini, he thought to himself, nodding. The stars twinkled. But Gina…His heart quickened in his chest. If he didn’t know any better, he’d have thought he was having a panic attack. But no, this feeling was good. Warm. You’re the reason I stayed with the show. He suddenly felt like he was falling, but like he knew where he could land. Gina. Falling, falling, falling…
In his memory, Ricky stretched himself back into Red’s car, and drove home. Whatever music playing on the radio floated in one ear and flew out the other. But in real life, the senior was staring into space, the flush in his cheeks camouflaged by the very night he was daydreaming about.
And this was how Ricky Bowen ended up in the middle of a game of Truth or Dare, on his turn, without even realizing.
“I dare you,” Carlos started slowly, snapping his fingers in front of him from across the logs. “Good, you’re awake.” Then he paused, pursing his lips with a level of dramatic effect only he could deliver. “I dare you to kiss the prettiest person in the room…well, the forest.”
Ricky barely noticed Lily shifting beside him. His whole body was frozen in place.
“On the lips!” Carlos added, ever so subtle.
“Oh god,” Ashlyn giggled. “You just want it to be you, don’t you?”
Carlos rolled his eyes. “Hell no. I just respect that the prettiest person can be any of us.”
“Right,” EJ teased. “I already know what my answer would be.”
And maybe it’s because EJ said that, the older Caswell not brash enough to wrap his arms around Gina’s shoulders between them to claim his “territory,” but obvious enough to hint at it, that Ricky moved in the opposite direction he was supposed to when Carlos repeated his dare.
“Who’s the prettiest in the room, Ricky?”
Gina was already facing him when he turned to his left. Surprise registered on both of their faces, for the millisecond that they saw each other. The fire from the kindling reflected light in her eyes. He was supposed to turn to his right. And Gina wasn’t supposed to turn at all. Maybe she was just curious, about who he would choose. Or maybe she knew, deep down, that it was her, it was always her. That, in that moment, he’d choose to be painfully, ridiculously, honest with himself, for the first time in months. Maybe that’s why she didn’t pull away when he leaned in, before Carlos could even pronounce the second syllable in his name, to gently press her lips to his.
Still, it took her a moment to register it though. And he regretted it almost immediately, what he was doing—with her, in front of everyone, unplanned. There was a small “oof” of a sound she made when he did it. It was the rules of the game, sure. But she was Gina. He should’ve warned her. He should’ve given her a sign. He should’ve kissed Lily instead, or Carlos, or anyone else. But then he felt her hand on the side of his cheek, strangely soft and cold, despite the warmth from the fire. It all happened so fast he could have imagined it, but her thumb traced the skin down to his jaw, her nose rubbing against his. She was kissing him back.
And then he heard it. It could’ve been a coin drop. Carlos’ dry cough. The bottom of EJ’s sneakers against the slippery grass. Hell, it could’ve been the wind that didn’t exist. But he heard a sound come from the real world, the one where all their friends were watching. The one where he was kissing the last person in the world he should’ve been kissing, but the only person in the world he’d ever want to. He pulled away immediately. So swiftly, in fact, that Gina’s brow furrowed when he did, as if she was more surprised by him pulling away than by the initial kiss itself. She blinked in rapid-fire. Her eyes crinkled. “Ricky—” Her voice barely came out. Her knees were facing him.
His mouth ran dry. Everyone saw. The silence was making it worse. “Shit, I’m sorry.” His apology sounded stupid before it even left his mouth. It wasn’t a friendly kiss, and he knew it, they all knew it. It wouldn’t have even mattered if it was, though. It was the principle of it.
And on that principle, before Ricky could even begin to gather together a clumsy excuse—the beer, the joint, the fact that he needed a new contact lens prescription—EJ Caswell stood up. “What’s your problem?”
Carlos tried to smooth things over before it happened, but it was too late. “This turned out more awkward than I thought…”
Ricky got up to his feet. Gina stayed, sitting still on the log. Lily looked like a ghost. “Hey, look man, I’m sor—” EJ’s fist connected with the side of his cheek, where, what felt like ages ago, Gina’s thumb had been.
Ashlyn sprang into action, nearly running into the fire pit. “EJ!”
Ricky licked his lips, the pain flowering on his skin. EJ’s knuckles were red, matching the color of his face. His eyes narrowed. The sight sent Ricky into an uncomfortable wave of déjà vu. And that filled him with such an irrational anger that he grabbed the older boy by the collar, rearing to hit him back. He landed right on the nose, for old time’s sake.
EJ was, like the rest of them, shocked.
“Whoa,” said Jet.
“You kiss his girlfriend, then you punch him back?” Kourtney mumbled in the back. “Whew…” No one moved.
“I’m sorry for the kiss,” he said evenly. EJ’s nose was leaking blood. Ricky wasn’t shouting, and that almost made it worse. He didn’t sound frantic. It sounded like he was in his right mind.
“You’re a piece of shit,” EJ lunged for him, and pushed. Ricky stumbled, his ankles nearly grazing the fire.
“Ricky!” Gina had come up behind him, grasping him by the sleeve, pulling him away from the flames.
“And look at you!” EJ threw his hands up in the air, glaring. “You didn’t exactly stop him, did you?”
Ashlyn grabbed him. “C’mon, let’s go. You need to calm down.”
“He’s a piece of shit.” EJ ripped his arm out of her grip, but let his cousin lead him back towards the cabins.
Kourtney and Maddox slowly reached over to put out the fire. “Fun's over,” Maddox muttered. Kourtney pressed her lips together, holding back whatever she was thinking. Carlos lingered.
“Gi, I’m sorry,” Ricky said then, in a way that made it suddenly clear his other apologies were just for her, only her, everyone else be damned. There wasn’t much light left, nothing reflecting in her eyes.
Gina looked at him, really looked at him. And then she spoke. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Her voice was hard, tears crowning beneath her lashes. Ricky had never hated himself more than he did in that moment. He couldn’t even answer. He didn’t have the time. Gina reached down, grabbing EJ’s jacket, and followed her boyfriend. Maybe that stung the most, maybe worse than the words. No, not worse. Nothing could hurt more than what she just said. Carlos took him by the elbow, leading him in the opposite direction. Ricky could only nod. He knew only two things for sure. Gina kissed him back. And she hated him.