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Before Sasha, Amir had been nothing but an enigma. Somebody nobody knew the true intentions of, and could never read, could never predict. He had no weaknesses, but he had a knack for figuring out other’s weaknesses.
And to himself, he was equally as an enigma to himself. He had lost everything. His identity, his home, his daughter, his wife. They had been his ground, the thing that kept him floating but now he was sinking, revengefully killing the people behind their deaths. And then when he succeeded, his heart swelled painfully as he looked at himself. He was not the man Nora had married, and not the father his child deserved.
But when he had joined the protocol, he locked eyes with someone, Sova. Who he later figured out was named Sasha Novikov. A hunter. An expert, just like Amir was. Undoubtedly, he was beautiful, lighting up the room with his calm nature, kind eyes, and a large smile. Though he was beautiful, his eyes sagged and the purple underneath his eyes were showing just barely underneath the tinted makeup. You could only see the tired if you looked for it.
But Amir saw through the rough exterior, determined to look further. Something drew him to Sasha, but Sasha got as far as possible from him, drawing back. A game of cat and mouse, and Amir was happy to comply.
It wasn’t until they talked formally after hours, hanging out in the kitchen. Sasha wore a turtleneck, the neck tight against his throat and a pair of barely loose denim that pooled at his slippers. He sipped a mug, hot tea. Amir could smell the scent of peach and honey and saw the string from the tea bag poking out from the trashcan.
Amir stood at the doorframe, his mask still slipped over his features tightly, but his attire had been changed. He spoke up, striking conversation with the hunter. But Sasha was unmoving, still sipping as he stared at the tile wall in front of him, not even a huff of acknowledgment.
“Sova, my dear, it is far too late for peach tea and honey, you should sleep.” Amir repeated, his eyes squinting as he stalked forward.
Sova turned his head slightly, his unclipped hair falling over his face. When he turned, Amir saw his eyes. Red and raw, and his lips bloody and dry, cracking. His cheeks were sunken, and he shook slightly underneath the yellow of the light bulb. Dried tears stained his red cheeks. The makeup smeared across his face.
“I apologize, Cypher for my disheveled appearance. I will leave if you need the kitchen.” Amir cocked his head to the side, looking at him through the fabric of his mask.
“Do not apologize, Sova. And if you want to stay you are more than welcome to.” He said, “Despite common notion, I quite enjoy your presence, owl.”
Sasha laughed, smiling as he looked down into his cup. Amir felt stupid, his ears burning. It reminded him of when he was a teenager, chasing after Nora. A crush. He had a crush. It was humiliating as he stood there fidgeting with his fingers behind his back.
The silence stretched, and Amir could feel the sound of Sasha’s throat constrict and swallow the tea. He looked away. His cheeks burned hotter.
Finally, he broke the silence between them. “You – I know we are not particularly close, but would you perhaps want to talk about it? What is upsetting you, I mean.”
“It is personal, Cypher. And I mean no offense when I say I do not trust you to keep it hidden.”
The air was thick like tar, Amir could feel it weighing down on his shoulders. Sasha had turned, looking at him through blonde eyelashes. Suddenly Amir felt nothing, but shame crawl up his spine, suddenly cold through his layers of hoodies. The wind howled outside the window, as if laughing at Amir.
“Sova,” he took a deep breath. “You deserve the kindness you give to others. Nobody may notice your pain, but I do. Your pain may be invisible to others, but I see you.”
“You say meaningful words, Amir. I appreciate them.” Sasha smiled, placing the cup on the counter and resting his hands on the marble. The mug was empty. “But I am capable of handling my feelings by my lonesome.”
“It will take a toll on you – excuse me, it has taken a toll on you. I realize we are not close, but you cannot do this by yourself. You are allowed to be given kindness. You are allowed to let people in.”
This apparently finally went through Sasha, his eye suddenly dampening underneath the light. Suddenly, a tear slipped out and down his face and without his cup in his hand, he simply looked at his slippers and away from Amir’s eyes. A hand came up and wiped his eyes.
“My mother has been ill, dementia, and she died tonight. The doctor called to inform me. She –” he stopped, suddenly feeling anxious about resuming. “She was never a part of my life, but before the protocol, I looked after her. My family had given up on her, dumped her in a nursing home and left Russia, but I stayed.”
Amir focused on every word, hanging onto it and making sure to make eye contact the best he could. He nodded, making sure that Sasha knew he was listening. Sasha explained, about his brothers, his mother, his grandmother until his eyes were red and swollen. His face glistened underneath the light and the skin around his prosthetic puffed angrily.
Eventually, Amir led Sasha to his room and hugged him goodnight. Still, he could feel the lingering of the cold hands on his neck.
That night when he had gotten to his room, he looked at himself and laughed. His face was flushed from his neck to his cheeks and disappearing underneath his shirt. His stomach turned, embarrassed at the crush he had formed on Sasha. Both were grown, and yet he got giddy over a hug. He felt ridiculous.
But his stomach turned for another reason. He thought of Nora and how he would hand her flowers on the way to school, ones freshly picked from the path outside of his house. The vows he told her as he slipped on the diamond, and the promises that he would give Nora the sun, the trees, anything she wanted.
“Oh, Amir. I just want you. That’s enough.”
The promises to his daughter of the magical lands far away that he would take her one day. He had promised her the world, anything she could ever imagine he would get. And he remembered when he asked, she happily said she wanted a dog while waving around a stuffed animal of a crocodile.
Then, he had finally felt what it was like to love something unconditionally, the feeling of loving someone and the feeling that you had to protect them no matter the circumstance. He finally understood. And he loved the feeling more than anything in the world.
The feeling of love, unconditional love. He had promised himself there he would make sure she grew up to love. To love everyone and their flaws. And he bathed in the warmth of his house, the love that pumped through it and for the first time, he felt like he truly had a purpose.
Until they were gone.
Amir curled in on himself on his bed, he felt guilty for the butterflies in his stomach and the red on his cheeks. He would give up the world just to see his family again, just to see the smiles of his girls one more time.
He thought of Sasha, of his smile and the silkiness in his voice. The softness of his words, never yelling unless in battle. So understanding and gentle, willing to give up everything to those who counted on him. And Amir’s mind flooded with warmth, the same warmth the thought of coming home to his wife had brought him.
Though they lived together, they never had much time for talking to one another. Only when they would bump into each other in the hallways or be on missions together. They bickered back and forth, relentlessly until their fellow agents would grow annoyed. But something changed.
Instead of the glares and the scoffs, Sasha only smiled after they bickered. He seemed more light-hearted with Amir and overtime became increasingly calmer. He would let Amir closer and wouldn’t recoil if they accidently bumped into each other. He was overjoyed.
Amir hated the way he craved attention from Sasha. Amir craved Sasha’s undivided attention and relished in the way Sasha’s eyes would meet his and the pink dust that washed over Sasha’s face when they visited the hotter places. Amir was in love, and it was difficult to accept.
On the day when they were off, they would occasionally stay with each other and talk. Amir hadn’t felt so close to someone in so long, and he could say overtime that he wholeheartedly trusted and loved Sasha. And that was a feeling he had missed.
Sasha would listen, and Amir would speak. Talk about Morocco and the places he used to go. About bakeries that would be on his block that would sneak him an extra sweet or two for his family. About his favorite color and the color of the sky in Morocco. Anything and everything, Amir would spill so easily; easier than anyone before.
And Sasha was such a good listener, visibly interested in everything Amir said even the little things. And when Sasha spoke, a shy stutter or a fumble of English, Amir hung on tightly to every word, taking in every part of his face and the movement of his lips. He was warm when he was with Sasha, and happy. He hadn’t been happy in a long time. It was a good feeling.
He reminded himself that he deserved it, to be happy. That he deserved to feel warm and good, and that Nora and his daughter would not be upset. They would be happy that he finally found his will to love again.
Sasha was touchy, and Amir bathed in it. Sasha would hug him when they were alone, wrapping his arms snuggly around his head and burying it in the crook of Amir’s neck. It was intimate, and it was convenient Amir was smaller, being able to wrap his arms around Sasha’s middle with no hassle. And he wished he had become closer to Sasha before. Sasha smelled like roses and pine all the time, and his hair never was short of perfect. Amir even had the luxury of pulling it back into a braid and putting it into a silver clip behind Sasha’s head.
The hair moved through his fingers like liquid. Silky, smooth, and soft.
He had the luxury once to watch Sasha lie next to him and sleep, Sasha breathing small puffs of air from his mouth. His lips were wet with saliva, and his cheeks pink from the warmth of the air. Amir would watch, moving away strands of Sasha’s wispy bangs from his face when needed. The warmth from Sasha’s sleeping face against his finger’s made Amir’s face flush underneath his mask. Sasha curled in on himself.
The floor was cold, but Sasha always was resilient to the cold, and it was not difficult to deduct it was because of his roots in Russia. But for Amir, the cold tile burned against his skin and made him uncomfortable.
Amir ran his fingers through Sasha, hair. His mask pulled against his skin, so he pulled it up to his nose and leaned down, planting a kiss on his temple. It was cold and created electricity against his lips.
Sasha subconsciously sighed, welcoming the contact. A soft hum escaped as he visibly relaxed. Amir’s mouth hung open, staring intently at the way Sasha relaxed, smiling in his sleep.
“Papa, read me a story, won’t you? Please? Mommy’s stories suck – yours are better.” She cried, leaning up to rub her palms against the whiskers on his face. She giggled, curling in on herself as Amir placed his hand on her cheek, a reassuring gesture.
“Another time, my dear. It is time for you to rest now,” he leant down, placing a kiss on her temple. “I will be back when you awake.”
Amir lied next to Sasha, the back of his head hitting against the metal. He looked toward the ceiling. The blue light flickered above him, mocking him as he remembered the flick of the lamp in his daughter’s room before it shut off. He remembers the imprint of her face, so round and large, before the lights turned off. Amir couldn’t forget.
He drifted off, staring at the light as he remembered the warmth of his daughter cuddled in his side, asking for him to stay home just one more day. Maybe if he had, he would be able to see their faces one more time.
But if he had died in the bombing, he would have never been able to see Sasha’s face. He would have missed out on meeting Sasha. And never in his life did he regret that.
-
“You are in your element, Sova, yet you look upset. What is troubling you, my owl?” Amir asked, his skin felt like it was freezing and burning at the same time.
Sasha looked the opposite; the only sign of his discomfort was the flush across his face. Though, the other agents looked much like Amir, shivering intensely as the snow hit their face like pins.
“I am – I suppose I am nervous for everyone to see my home. I have not been here in a long time, it is surreal.” He spoke Russian for the last part, underneath his breath.
Amir understood, nodding in his mask and rubbing a hand on Sasha’s arm as they walked. Jett whined behind them, rubbing her arms as she leaned on Neon. Both looked miserable, it made Amir laugh.
They had been assigned a mission in Russia, and with the world in a divide against radiants, it had been difficult to find a place to stay. Luckily, Sasha said that he would happily harbor the agents in his home, saying it was big enough for them all to stay comfortably.
When they reached the section of pine trees that parted, Sasha took the lead once more, leading them into a narrow path of snow and a rock path. Amir walked behind Sasha, watching as his ears brightened and turned red.
Many of the creatures in the forest stared with large eyes at them in the dark of the forest. Squirrels and wolves, white foxes and birds rustled in the forest before scurrying off into the endless darkness. Amir was fascinated but continued before the path stopped and they reached a clearing.
A large home, completely made of dark oak and creaked in the harsh wind. It seemed to move as they moved closer, dancing along with the trees. It cracked and creaked, but Sasha walked forward, walking up the stairs on the porch and bending down to retrieve a key underneath the door.
Jett and Neon stayed huddled up behind us, complaining about Sasha to move faster. Sasha only mumbled something in Russian underneath his breath until he eventually opened the door, dust flew off it as he opened it. The inside was drenched in dust and the furniture was draped with a white cloth. The mirrors, the couch, the table, the chairs were all covered by this white sheet. Dust had collected on the dip in the sheets, they had not been moved in quite some time.
After they removed the sheets, Jett and Neon warmed up on the couch, warming their hands and feet near the fireplace. It roared.
Amir spoke up again as Sasha swept the dust on the floor into a pile. “This place, you mentioned you had not been here in a while. How long has it been, Sova?”
“Since I have been here?”
“Yes,” Amir clarified.
“I was 18 when I was last here, so it has been 17 years.” He looked up to meet Amir’s unchanging mask. “It was my mother’s home. She didn’t take care of it and she was rarely here. So, the place was run down and considered to be a safety hazard. Though, I thought it would be a good place to stay as we camped out in Russia.” An unreadable expression passed on his face as he continued.
“So, is this is your childhood home?” Amir looked around, running a gloved hand over the wood on the walls.
“Yes,” he walked over to the wall where Amir dragged his hand and pointed to the faded mark on the wall. Next to the marks were dark reds and blues of different heights. “Alyosha,” He pointed to the red, “Me, Aleksander,” he pointed to the black, “And my eldest brother, Anatoli.” And he pointed to the blue. “My older brother, Andrei, would mark our heights for us. He was the one that took care of us since we missed out on so much.”
Amir looked up and down the wall, so many memories were locked behind these walls. So many mysterious were held between the oak and yet he would probably never know the extent of them. His stomach twisted uncomfortably as he looked at Sasha with sad eyes, but Sasha only smiled at him, unable to see the sadness.
Amir knew that Sasha was strong. Big and full of muscles, but he was just a man who was neglected, who should’ve had a heart of stone. But instead, Sasha was a bright, loving man who treated everyone and everything with such a gentle hand. Amir was jealous. His grief and mourning had taken him spiraling, but for Sasha, it had given him wings.
The night was unusually rough. Despite the warmth of Sasha’s fire against his face, he could hear the howling of the animals and the wind jiggling the house. The weight of four people made the floors sing, and the sound of Sasha in the night moving around kept Amir awake.
At one point, Sasha loomed over Amir and tapped on his shoulder. Amir melted, loving the way that Sasha tapped so gently and spoke so soft in his ear. He could feel the heat generate from Sasha even though all the layers of clothing.
“Cypher, are you awake?” He whispered softly. Even so close to him, his voice was so gentle, Amir could barely hear him. He turned. Sasha sat on his knees behind Amir, smiling softly; dressed head to toe in winter gear, and his hair was sloppily thrown into a bun on the top of his head.
Amir shook his head yes and sat up. “Xорошо,” good. “If you would like, I want to show you something.” He stood up, patting the dust off his pants. Amir followed suit until they were outside. It was snowing heavily, and the trees covered the sky. They loomed over protectively, creating shadows on the already dark and gloomy house. A shiver went up Amir’s spine.
The cold hit his skin like knives, cutting through the protective gear. He gripped onto Sasha’s hood, making sure not to lose him in the woods as they walked. Eventually, they got to the clearing from before, and Amir was awestruck as he looked at the sky through his mask.
The sky was an array of colors. Pinks and blues and magnificent emerald greens. Nothing Amir has ever seen before. It was beautiful, shining lights that glistened over the ice beneath them. The snow flurried around them, surrounding them with a tornado of white. Sasha looked happily at the sky, smiling.
The lights swam across the sky, dancing along with the wind and trees. They moved across the sky unpredictably and smoothly. Like dancers, the lights moved in fluid motions, shining a variety of lights onto the earth and covering the mountains and lakes. Blues and greens outlined the edges of Sasha, making his blue and brown eyes sparkle in the moon and northern lights. It was possibly a once in a lifetime experience.
Stars surrounded the lights, twinkling and the moon peeked out from over the mountains. Sasha looked to Amir, as if trying to figure out what he thinks.
The wind pushed and pulled on Sasha’s hair and made his cheeks flush. “In Russian, we say 'ого' which in English would mean, ‘wow’.” Sasha spoke, “I believe it is appropriate in this scenario.”
“How do you say it?”
“Oго.”
“Ого.” Amir repeated, though his butchered pronunciation made Sasha laugh. Whole-heartedly, breathtakingly laugh, putting a hand up to his mouth as he mumbled apologize. Amir wished he could hear it clearer, away from the noisy wind and snow. Amir’s ears became hot as he looked up to the sky again, admiring the lights one more time.
Suddenly he realized just how agonizingly cold her had become, his whole body completely chilled to the core. But he wanted to stay where he was, next to Sasha as they looked at the beautiful vibrant colors and listened to the howl of the wind that carried snow.
He wanted to stay forever, to forget about the valorant protocol, and the war, and the other world, and his grief. He wanted to stay beside Sasha forever, whether it be lovers, friends, or even strangers, if he felt that Sasha was near, he would be whole.
A part of him had been missing since his family died, suddenly he had nothing but dust and blood on his hands. He had blamed himself, seeing Nora and his daughter in every nook and crack everywhere. Every mirror he saw nothing but a man who hid his identity to keep his family safe, only to be the reason they had died. He had hated himself, blamed himself, punished himself, but around Sasha, he knew the mask was useless, Sasha saw through him just as Nora had done.
He saw not Cypher, but he saw Amir El Amari. Not the killer, not the criminal, but the person underneath the mask. And just as Nora had done, Sasha continuously swept Amari off his feet, leaving him awestruck and hopelessly in love.
Sasha’s eyes met with his, and he smiled at him. Amir quickly hugged him, wrapping his arms desperately around Sasha, tugging and pulling on the animal fur, desperately needed Sasha to understand, I love you.
Sasha hugged back, wrapping his arms around Amir and lightly rubbing his back with light fingers. It was gentle and warm, and surreal to Amir. Sasha sighed happily, his hug tightening for a moment before he spoke:
“Are you that cold? I apologize I sometimes forget you guys are not invincible to the cold.” His joke made him chuckle. “We can go back inside, and I will happily make you something warm, like tea. Though I believe we only have peach.”
Amir chuckled into Sasha’s shoulder, pulling him impossibly closer. His hands roamed Sasha’s back, clinging onto the fabric as he balled it into his fists.
“I would love that,” he responded. His happiness for the first time in years, had been genuine. He was surrounded by snow, and cold, and rose and pine, and he bathed in it.