Give Me a Reason

by carolelained

Summary:

Ray feels like he has no reason to get up or doing anything after Stella.

Notes:

• For eaion.

For eaion in thanks for their kind words xx

Give Me a Reason

“I need to feel wanted and I’m tired of doing everything alone. I want to get up and have a purpose, Frase. I guess I want someone to truly want and need me. I want to be the reason they get up and the reason they want to be alive. Once Stella was my reason for everything and she was my whole world, not that she saw me that way in the end.”

“Ray…”

“I’m a good cop and I love my job, but it’s not enough and there has to be more to life than this…”

“Ray, if only you truly opened your eyes…”

“I need someone to go home to after a bad day at work, someone who’ll tell me I did it for a reason and that what I do makes the world a better place. I know I’m a needy little fucker and it’s just who I am, Frase. This though, this is fuckin ground hog day and I’m like Bill Murray in that movie. Every day is the same and I see no end in sight, maybe I deserve all I get and plenty more and a bullet might be a whatcha ma call it?”

“Oh Ray, you know you don’t mean that.”

“Why, who the fuck would miss someone like me? I’m a con job Frase and nothing more.”

“I’d miss you, Ray.”

I smacked my fist against the steering wheel before resting my forehead against it, life sucked and I knew Fraser would say anything to please me right now. Suddenly I felt the warm hot hand press against the back of my neck and then start rubbing it gently, maybe Frase thought I was some fuckin animal that needed soothing and calming down before I lost it again. Well, I had just smacked him in the jaw and maybe he had a reason to be wary of me now. Then it was like a light bulb went on in my head and I knew what I had to do, especially if I wanted to keep Fraser as my partner.

“Frase get out of the car.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t play dumb, Fraser, I want ya to get out of the car and hit me.”

“Ray, why would I want to do something like that?”

“Cos it makes us even, Frase.”

“Ray your logic is rather flawed and I feel that I must decline as two wrongs don’t make a …”

“Frase, get the fuck out of the car or I’m gonna hit ya again!”

“Oh dear…”

I watched as he opened the passenger door and stepped out into the cold night, then I took a deep breath and opened my own door to face the consequences of my previous actions. Shit maybe I’d already spent too much time with the man, especially when I was coming out with words like I’d just swallowed a dictionary. Fraser was stood there with his hands clasped tight behind his back and looked like he’d bolt at any minute, jeez you’d think I was the one going to hit him again. Truth be told, I hated myself for what I’d done to the man who stood here before me and I wondered how it had come to this.

“Ray…”

“Come on just do it will ya…”

“How can this make everything right, Ray?”

“Frase, just fuckin hit me or so help me I’ll…”

Fuck, within seconds I found myself sat on the cold earth beneath me. Maybe I’d underestimated Fraser and just how hard he could actually hit, yet I sat here rubbing my jaw as the man stood there and held his hand out to help me up.

“Ray, please just take my hand and get up so we can put this terrible mess behind us.”

“Hardy fuckin ha ha. You’d love that wouldn’t ya, Frase. We can just sweep it all under the rug and forget it all happened.”

“Ray, you are being totally irrational and unwilling to listen to reason.”

“Are ya calling me stupid, Frase?”

“I can see that you’re still unwilling to listen to reason, Ray.”

“Yeah, and I’m also unwilling to listen to anymore of yer shit, Frase.”

I had no idea why I was so pissed off with Fraser and my whole fuckin life, all I knew was that I had to get away from him and far away from here too. Finally, I stood up and got back in the car without even looking back at Fraser, then I put the pedal to the metal and screeched away from the only true friend I’d ever known. I even thought about getting on a plane and just leaving Chicago behind for a while, not that I had my passport with me and I couldn’t risk going back home either. I knew it was only a matter of time before Fraser went there looking for me, yeah and why would he do that? I knew the reason was because Fraser cared about me and I was pushing him away, maybe because deep down I wanted more from him.

Sometime later I found myself walking along a near empty beach and I felt free, the air was cool on my skin and I didn’t have to think about anything for a while. I’d left my badge and gun locked in my car along with the man I was supposed to be right now, and at the end of the day I’d also locked Fraser in there too as he was Vecchio’s real friend and not mine. I was the con job and that would never change.

I had no idea what had drawn me here as I feared the water and my inability to swim didn’t help, maybe I thought the fear would make me forget about my fucked up life, yet I could hear the kids laughing and playing nearby and was reminded of Stella. Yeah, another fuck up in the life of Stanley Raymond Kowalski, hell maybe she was right and having kids with me wasn’t a wise idea after all, especially if they turned out like me.

Okay, so I was depressed and feeling sorry for myself and would have to face Fraser sooner or later, well later sounded good to me and I was staying right here for now. I must have walked for miles as it was getting dark now and the night air was creeping in fast, it was then that I decided to turn around and go back to my car before I got lost out here. Then I noticed the rocks and decided it would be a good idea to take a short cut, I guess the sea wasn’t as calming now and it looked dark and foreboding out here alone. I’d left my jacket in the car too and my body wasn’t too good at keeping warm at the best of times, a short cut was great right now and I started to climb up the rocks and back to civilization. Everything was good until I stood on some wet rocks and lost my balance, then I felt a sudden pain as my head hit the hard stone and everything went black.

XXXXXXXXXX

The day had started out so well and I was struggling to deal with the way it had ended, I knew that Ray could be pig headed and temperamental at times, but this was so unlike him. I couldn’t believe that he’d drove away and just left me standing here too, so I started the walk back to the consulate and decided I would need some time alone to think and deal with the day’s events. The walk took me over an hour and I was physically and mentally drained when I reached my office, and that was why I decided to leave Ray alone until tomorrow. Okay, so maybe I was a coward and was hoping he would have calmed down somewhat by then.

Finally, I lay down on my cot and just played the events over and over as I tried to figure my partner out, well that was if he still wanted to be my partner after all of this. I replayed the conversations and how Ray had sounded at the time, the man was struggling and that was clear and he kept saying he needed someone to want him. I fell asleep confused about what he wanted and wondered why the friendship we had wasn’t good enough for him anymore.

I woke and was remined of Ray as soon as I sat up, mainly because my jaw still ached from his fist along with my heart. I hadn’t slept well and my dreams had turned into nightmares and I felt a great loss, that was when I realized I had to get to the station and talk things over with Ray. Especially as he had claimed he was sick of doing everything alone, no I refused to believe that Ray was that far gone and could possibly be suicidal. The man wasn’t that far gone, or was it me that was blind and only saw what I wanted to see.

My day didn’t start too well as I had consulate duties and was unable to leave until noon, now I had to hope that Ray was still at the precinct and hadn’t gone off to deal with the bad guys on his own. Then my heart sank when I entered and saw the empty desk facing me, well Ray was a detective and I knew he would do anything to avoid doing the paperwork so there was no need to worry just yet. I was just about to go and ask Francesca if she knew of Ray’s whereabouts when a hand came down on my shoulder, then my heart sank once more when I realized it was lieutenant Welsh.

“It’s good to see you Constable, shame I can’t say the same about that partner of yours though.”

“Is Ray not here, Sir?”

“No, and I don’t appreciate him ignoring his phone either.”

“Oh dear, we had a disagreement and Ray stormed off.”

“Yeah, nothing new there then, maybe you could take yourself over to his place and tell him I want him here or else.”

“Or else what, Sir?”

“Constable, just go and do as I ask.”

“As you wish, Sir.”

I called Dief and headed out of the station to go visit Ray, despite everything the man was a damn good detective and this was so unlike him. I could understand him avoiding me; however, work was a different matter entirely. I even managed to reach his apartment in half the time it would normally take me to do so, maybe it was the way I felt towards the man and I was deeply afraid we were over as partners.

I was no sooner there when I realized the GTO wasn’t outside and nowhere to be seen in the street, and it was so unlike Ray to walk somewhere unless he was forced by someone, normally me. Even so, I was worried and still climbed the stairs that would lead me to his apartment. There was no answer and I’d expected that, yet I had the sudden urge to be inside and see if I could learn anything of my partners whereabouts. It was then I remembered the key Ray had given me to look after, so technically it wasn’t breaking and entering.

The apartment was silent and there was no sign of Ray whatsoever, not that it would harm to check out the other rooms while I was here. The bathroom was empty and it just looked the same as always, and then I went to check out his bedroom too. The wash basket was overflowing, yet there was no sign of the clothes he wore yesterday, suggesting that Ray had never even come home last night.

I even went over to the bed that was unmade, and this was something I expected and so like Ray. Then I ran my hand over the cold sheets and my mind wandered off elsewhere, I was lost thinking about the man I loved laying here possibly naked on this very sheet and my heart broke, suddenly I fell to my knees and cried for Ray and for my own stupidity.

I was doomed no matter what I did, Ray would leave me no matter what and yesterday had proved that, so telling him that I was in love with him would be suicidal. Well, I had no time to behave like this and decided to call Lieutenant Welsh and give him the news, there was nothing I could do here and I wasn’t needed at the precinct without Ray there. So, I decided to call it a day and head back to the consulate and lick my own wounds.

XXXXXXXXXX

I forced myself to open my eyes and soon wished I hadn’t bothered; the bright light was far too much and I was forced to shut them once more. So, for now I just lay here thinking about things and that was when the panic started to set in and I forced my eyes to open once more.

I soon realized that it was a hospital room and that I was the only patient in here, that hadn’t been the reason for my panic though or my now near hysteria. The panic had set in because I couldn’t remember anything or a reason for why I might be here, hell, I couldn’t even remember my own fuckin name either. Okay, I had to calm down and get my brain working as panicking wouldn’t help me, it was a hospital and at least that meant I was somewhere safe for now. It also meant there would be doctors and nurses here along with a button to summon them.

I felt along the bed and found the device and pressed the button, shit and then panic set in once more and I refused to let go of it until the door opened and someone could give me answers. Finally, a nurse entered the room and rushed over towards the bed, she then prized the controls from my hand before shining a bright light into my eyes.

“It’s good to see you awake, maybe now you can tell us your name so we can call your family and friends.”

“What?”

“You were found unconscious and had no identification on you and just some keys, we were unsure if you’d received the injury naturally or was mugged. That would explain the lack of a wallet, or any form of identification.”

“Fuck…”

“Sir, please calm down as that won’t help anyone.”

“How the hell can I calm down, shit I don’t even know my own fuckin name either…”

“Very well, I will go see the doctor and get him to take a look at you.”

“Yeah okay.”

I waited over an hour for a doctor and then they ran some tests to see how my brain was working, or should I say not working. Afterwards I lay here with only my own fucked up brain to keep me company, I tried so hard to remember things and that just made the headache even worse. I had no past and it was hard trying to deal with that fact, then I had to wonder if I even had any friends and would be missed.

I looked at my hands and realized there was no wedding ring or anything to suggest I were even married, so no wife to miss me then. So, I turned my mind to other things, where did I live and what did I do for a living. Then I realized, I had no idea if there was anything I could do, what my limits were and if I was good at anything at all.

My hands were not hands of a builder or anything like that, there was also no marks that would indicate I was a mechanic or any other messy job. My body held no clues as to who I were or what I might even do, yet for some reason, I had this deep down feeling that I hated hospitals. I wanted to leave here as soon as possible, not that I had a clue as to where I’d go. I drifted in and out of sleep until finally the doctor returned with the results of my tests, not that they told me anything that I didn’t already know. Basically, I was fucked and all I could do was wait it out, maybe one day I might remember who the hell I am.

“So, what happens now?”

“You are physically well enough and there are no major concerns other than the amnesia, we will keep you here for a few days to see if there’s any change.”

“What happens if I don’t remember anything?”

“We will help you move into the community, there are places that you can stay until you get your feet on the ground. Hopefully it won’t come to that and you will get your memory back soon.”

“How likely is that?”

“I’m afraid that I can’t say, we will contact local authorities and let them know we have a John Doe. Maybe in time someone will miss you and come forward, sometimes a familiar face can help the memories return faster.”

“And if not…”

“You will have to be patient.”

“Yeah, well I don’t do the whole patient thing, and I ain’t leaving here with a bunch of strangers either.”

“You don’t have to leave with them; however, it would at least give you a name and a past to deal with. You would learn a lot about yourself and that would help you deal with the future.”

“Yeah, I guess. Just don’t go dumping me on the first person that walks through the door.”

The doctor smiled at me as he stood once more, I had this feeling that he seemed to find me amusing or something. Okay so it was just an instinct, not that I could stop my mouth getting the better of me.

“Ya gotta problem or somethin?”

“No, I have no problem at all. I just have a feeling that you have a very unique personality and that someone out there might be really missing you.”

“Hardy ha ha…”

“Rest and I’ll be back shortly.”

The doctor left and I was alone once more, now I started wondering what would happen if someone showed up here looking for me. I was afraid of leaving here and I knew it, afraid to be in a world where I no longer had a place or a reason to be, a world that now felt alien to me.

XXXXXXXXXX

The next morning saw me awake earlier than usual, and that was saying something. Normally I’d still be asleep but my mind refused to cooperate, and I couldn’t settle until the matters of yesterday were resolved. First though, I had duties here and Inspector Thatcher refused to let me leave until my work here was done.

The day went so slow and I was tempted to phone the precinct just to hear Ray’s voice, to know that he was okay and that we were still partners. However, that was just another sign of my own neediness and wasn’t acceptable to me, also Ray wasn’t a morning person and it would most likely annoy him even more.

I was doomed no matter what I said around the man when he was like this, I loved the man but he could be so temperamental and it never took much to set him off. Then the time came when I could finally leave and go see him, then I rushed there to find that all that waiting was not going to pay off as Ray wasn’t even at his desk or anywhere to be seen. I was just about to leave when Lieutenant Welsh’s door opened and he spotted me, the man looked rather worried as he waved his hand towards me and then called me over.

“Sir.”

“Constable, come in and a take a seat.”

“May I ask what this is about, Sir?”

“We had a standard report come in, someone had left a car parked dangerously and it was blocking the fire hydrant. Turns out the car was there all night and no one returned to collect it, I guess the good citizens of Chicago wanted it gone.”

“I don’t see what this has to do with me, Sir.”

“Yeah, well the desk clerk called me and asked if I wanted it collecting, as apparently he recognized the car.”

“Sir…”

“I’m getting there, Constable. It turns out that the car’s a black G.T.O.”

“Ray’s car, so where is it now, Sir. And do they know where he is as Ray would never abandon that car, he loves it more than anything else.”

“Slow down constable. No one knows where Ray is or has even seen him since yesterday, as for the car, it will be arriving here within the hour.”

“Then what, Sir?”

“The car will be inspected and then we will take it from there. You might as well hang around as you know Ray far better than anyone here, also I need to know about the disagreement you had with him last night.”

“What, you think he might have done…Oh dear god please don’t say what I think you’re saying.”

“Constable, I need to know if he appeared different to normal or did anything to suggest he might disappear or do something…”

“Sir, with all respect. Ray can be very argumentative at the best of times, but he wouldn’t just walk away without dealing with his problems.”

“But you said he did just that, you said that he drove off and left you there.”

“I’m sorry Sir, I’m just finding it so hard to concentrate right now. Yes, he was depressed about our partnership, he got it into his head that I thought he was stupid. Ray is my partner and I would never think that of him, I respect and lo…Never mind.”

“Okay, we will just take it one step at a time, I suggest you go get something to eat while we wait for the car.”

I left his office and went to sit at Ray’s desk, for some reason I’d lost my appetite and just wanted to feel close to Ray. Now all I could do was wait until his car was checked over to see if there was any foul play involved, or if he’d willingly left the car and walked away. Not that I had a clue where he would go or what he would do, however, he worked by instinct and that made him very dangerous at times.

I waited at his desk for over two hours before I heard anything, two hours where I was driving myself mad wondering what had happened to the man I loved so much. Wondering if he really hated me that much, would he really walk away from his life, then I remembered how he said he needed a reason to get up each day. Well, I refused to believe that Ray was suicidal, depressed maybe, but not suicidal.

Lieutenant Welsh came over to the desk and dropped something in front of me, straight away I recognized the wallet and gun. I opened the wallet and my fingers lingered over the photo inside, then I realized where I were and that the lieutenant was talking to me.

“Constable, are you okay?”

“I don’t know, Sir. I’m unsure as to why Ray would leave these things in his car, unless he wanted to forget who he was for a while, or unless he was going to meet someone who didn’t know he was a police officer.”

“Why would you think that, Constable.”

“Where are his car keys?”

“Nobody found them, so what is it your thinking, Constable?”

“Ray took the keys with him, that meant he was planning to come back to the car and not abandon it.”

“You have a point there…”

“I know Ray, and he would have left the keys in the car if he was walking away from it.”

“Okay, see where does that leave us?”

“Either Ray was meeting someone, or something happened to him and he never made it back to the car. Not that I know why he parked there though as he hates the water.”

“I suggest you go home and maybe check his place on the way as there’s nothing more you can do here Constable.”

“So, what happens now, Sir?”

“I will give it a few hours and will then put in a missing person report, in the meantime, I will have every available officer looking out for him.”

“Very well, and thank you, Sir.”

I left the precinct and made my way to Ray’s apartment, not that anything at all had changed and it was obvious he hadn’t been here. The consulate felt cold and unwelcome as I let myself in, maybe it was the thought of spending another night worrying about Ray. The man had come to mean so much to me in a such a short time, and I couldn’t imagine spending my days without his energetic presence beside me.

Ray had a very low opinion of himself and just what he was capable of, and it broke my heart to think he saw me in the way he did. The man believed that I thought he was stupid and incapable, it was me, all me. I had an upbringing that made me behave how I did and I didn’t mean anything by it, in some ways, I was just as trapped by my past as Ray himself was. Then I was brought back to the present when the phone started ringing, well duty called and I knew I had to answer it.

“Canadian consulate, Constable Benton Fraser speaking, how may I help you?”

“It’s Lieutenant Welsh and I have a job for you, Constable.”

“What would that be, Sir. As without Ray there I thought….”

“It’s regarding Ray, well possibly…”

“What do you mean, sir.”

“Local hospital has a John Doe fitting Ray’s description, and I figured you should be the one to check it out.”

“As you wish, Sir. Can I just ask something first though?”

“Of course.”

“Is it a body I need to identify or…”

“Constable, I wouldn’t be sending you if that was what it was, the man is very much alive and well.”

“Understood, sir, and thank you kindly.”

“Constable, one other thing.”

“What would that be, Sir?”

“The man has amnesia and doesn’t even know his own name.”

“Oh dear.”

I ended the call and grabbed my hat off the desk, as I knew there was only one way to find out if this was Ray. Not that I was sure what to expect from him if it was, or what he would expect from me for that matter.

XXXXXXXXXX

I was becoming nervous with each hour that passed, the hospital was driving me mad and I had to get the hell out of here. Among my belongings was a set of keys which suggested I at least owned a car and had somewhere to live. I just had no friends or family, no one that I could call to come and take me away from here. The staff were good and I knew it was just me as to why I felt this way, despite the nurse who’d just entered and who was also looking rather nervous.

“There’s a gentleman here who wishes to see you.”

“What the hell for, why would someone want to see me if no one knows I’m here?”

“We inform local law enforcement of all John Does, and apparently you fit the description of a man who went missing recently.”

“Yeah, okay whatever, can we just get this over with then.”

“Just don’t get your hopes up.”

“I’m cool.”

The nurse left the room and soon returned with the gentleman in question, he took one look at me and muttered one word, one word that told me he knew me. My heart raced, then it hit me full on that I had no idea who the hell he was. The man was good looking despite the shit he wore, then I noticed he was also nervous as he came over towards the bed.

“Ray…”

“Okay, so I guess my name’s Ray and you know me.”

“Oh dear, I take it you have no idea who I am?”

“Nope, so ya had better start talking or leave me the hell alone. Look I don’t do to well in places like this and I know it ain’t your fault or nothing…”

“Maybe we can discuss you going home then.”

“What with you? You better talk fast then as I have very little patience.”

“I’m well aware of your level of patience, Ray.”

“Are ya tryin to be funny or somethin?”

“Look I am Constable Benton Fraser of the RCMP, I first came here on the search of the killers of my father, not that it matters at this juncture…”

“Do I really know you, yer like some freak.”

“Hmm, as you’ve already told me on many occasions, Ray. Look your full name is Stanley Raymond Kowalski…”

“Are you shittin me?”

“No, apparently your father was a huge Marlon Brando fan, you however prefer to be called Ray.”

“Yeah, I can understand that, so how do we know each other, Benton?”

“Please call me Fraser.”

I looked at the man sat before me and wondered just who the hell he really was, I mean it wasn’t as if we were even on a first name basis here. Yet for some reason it felt right calling him that, it was the man himself that just appeared to be so strange.

“Ray, Ray, Ray are you even listening to me?”

“What, sorry I got a little lost there.”

“I said that you are a detective, you work for the Chicago police department.”

“Whoa, back up there a bit buddy. You are seriously trying to tell me that I’m a cop, well fuck at least that gave me somethin to laugh at.”

“Ray, I am telling you the truth.”

“I’m gonna kick you in the head if ya keep this shit up.”

“We are partners, Ray.”

My brain tried to process everything that he was telling me and nothing was adding up, so I was a cop, and what was with this whole partner thing too. The man wasn’t even a Chicago cop so how the hell could he be my partner, now I was pissed off and knew that this man had to be lying to me about everything. Shit was he just some deluded idiot that got off on talking to strangers, then again, the way he acted suggested that he had something to hide. And for some reason I had a feeling I was really good at body language, so maybe now I would kick him in the head and do things my way.

I moved fast and was off the bed in no time, then my hand grabbed the fabric on his jacket and I raised my fist to hit him, no way was I having someone lie to me like this. 

“Not this time, Ray. We are not going down that road again and I can’t let you hit me.”

“Try stopping me…”

Shit, within seconds Fraser pushed me onto the bed and stood there looming over me and I expected the worst. Then something happened that I wasn’t expecting or had even thought about, my breathing became erratic and my cock became hard. I was so turned on and never even gave my actions a second thought as I pulled Fraser towards me, then within seconds my lips found his and I was kissing him.

XXXXXXXXXX

I couldn’t help myself as I kissed Ray back, his lips were so soft and so inviting. Then suddenly his tongue was inside my mouth and I couldn’t help myself as I also pushed my own tongue into his warm mouth. It was then that reality came crashing down hard and I had to push him away from me, as Ray had an excuse whereas I had none.

“Ray, I’m so sorry and this should never have happened.”

“Hey I started it.”

“It’s not who you are Ray.”

“So, what am I, Fraser?”

“You’re my work partner and best friend, also you’re straight…”

“You sure about that, Frase? As it sure as hell felt damn good to me.”

“Ray, you were married for fifteen years…”

“So, are we friends with benefits then?”

“Ray, you’re not helping matters.”

“So, what about you then, Benton buddy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Are ya gonna tell me yer straight too?”

“Yes, Ray.”

“So, what the hell was then then?”

“Insanity, Ray. You kissed me and I never meant to kiss you back.”

“Yeah, well just remember something Benton buddy.”

“What would that be?”

“I’ll remember, and when I get my memory back, I’ll put all the pieces together.”

“Where you’ll learn that I’m straight, Ray.”

“Well just remember I’m a detective, and I’m good at putting all the pieces together.”

“I’m not worried, Ray as I have nothing to hide. Look, do you want to leave here or not?”

“Yeah, so lead the way and let’s see if it jogs any memories.”

I knew that Ray was right and things could change when his memory returned, as he was good at his job and he would analyze everything we have ever done together. This though, well I couldn’t take advantage of the man while he had no idea who he even was, that was why I went to call a cab and left him alone to dress.

The cab ride was made in silence and that worried me, Ray was always such a live wire and it hurt to see him suddenly become so withdrawn from the world around him. He was no longer the cocky man that had greeted me in the hospital and I knew he felt lost and had no idea of his place anymore. We arrived at his apartment and he showed no sign of entering his home, it was as if Ray was a visitor here and was waiting for someone to let him inside. So, without any thought, I retrieved my own keys and opened the apartment door.

“So’ just buddies then, Frase?”

“I assure you, Ray, that my reason for having the key is purely for practical reasons.”

“Hmmm, look I need a shower so just make yer self at home will ya.”

I watched as Ray opened doors and entered each room to get his bearings, then within seconds I heard the bathroom door close behind him. Great, now my mind was working overtime as I imaged the man I loved naked and wet under the warm water. I had to get my mind out of the gutter before I lost him for good, then I remembered how I felt when he’d gone missing and I knew I couldn’t lose him again.

I knew that I had to get myself under control and thought of so many things so that my own erection would subside. Okay, maybe Ray would want a coffee and that would give me something to do and keep my thoughts away from what I truly wanted. There was one thing I did know though, working with Ray Kowalski was going to be the hardest thing I had to do in my life. To work beside a man who knew no boundaries at the best of times, a man that had to touch at every opportunity he had.

I made the coffee and went in search for some chocolate that would be around here somewhere, then suddenly I heard a lot of banging and shouting coming from with Ray’s bedroom. I never gave it a second thought as I rushed to see if he were hurt and in need of some assistance, not that I’d expected the sight that met me when I opened the door.

The bedroom looked like a bomb had just gone off, there were clothes all over the floor and bed, along with all the empty draws that had been pulled out. There sat on the bed was Ray holding one of his favorite bulls tee shirts, the man was clutching it tight and literally sobbing. At the end of the day, he was my partner and my friend, and it hurt to see the man I love fall apart.

“Ray, talk to me.”

“It’s not me, Frase.”

“What do you mean?”

“None of it, nothing feels right and I don’t know what to do… how can I feel safe and at home if nothing feels like mine anymore? I have memories from childhood and certain things, yet I remember nothing about who I am now”

“Oh, Ray. I know that it’s difficult and I’ll help anyway I can. Hopefully within a few days it will be over, then you will be back to your old self once more.”

Ray appeared to become even more agitated and the sobs became louder, and that was when I knew I had to do something to ease some of the pain he was feeling. My heart ruled now and I thought nothing of my actions as I sat on the bed beside my partner. God, then within seconds Ray had his arms around me and wouldn’t let go, it was only as I rubbed his back that my brain registered the fact that he was naked beside the towel around his waist.

XXXXXXXXXX

Okay here’s the deal, I was slowly losing my mind and my life was totally fucked. Well, it was that or someone wasn’t telling me the truth with regards to the pre amnesia me. For some reason, the whole cop thing felt wrong and I had no idea why. I just figured that I were too erratic and impulsive to even carry a gun. Then there was the other matter too, no way, no how was I fuckin straight. So, what if I was married for years, I had feelings for the Mountie that no straight guy could possibly have.

The shower had felt really good as it beat down on my skin, then my thoughts had drifted off and towards the man that was out there and beyond the bathroom door. Well, I guess that I had some morals as I’d turned the temperature to freezing and tried to think about anything other than him. That all changed though and my thoughts drifted to my future, one look around my bedroom was all it took to make me realize my current predicament, I had no idea who the fuck I was. Okay, so maybe I had a bad temper as I started throwing everything around the bedroom and lost it totally, and then suddenly I found myself slumped on the bed and in Frasers arms. At first, I was far too upset to do anything, and then I realized the right thing to do would be to push him away. Oh, I thought about it, then suddenly his large hand felt hot as it rubbed against my naked skin and I was only human after all.

I twisted by body around and soon had Fraser flat on his back, then I couldn’t help myself as I pressed my now naked body along the length of his own, and soon my mouth found his once more. I knew that I wanted him and I had to make him realize he wanted it too, and I guess there was only one way of doing that. I had to get him so turned on that he’d forget all about stopping, so soon my hand worked down along his body and pressed against his erection as he moaned into my mouth, I was beyond stopping now and knew I had to have him.

I fumbled in search of a way inside his pants, just the thought of feeling his erection spurred me on and I refused to give in. Then the kiss ended and I realized Fraser was talking to me, or trying to at any rate.

“Ray, Ray, Ray… Please…oh god….”

“Don’t talk, Frase, ya know that you want this too.”

God, and then my hand was inside his pants and finally I grabbed his erection and felt the soft skin and the precum that had already gathered. I was in heaven and knew this was what I wanted, however I soon realized Fraser had ideas of his own. Within seconds, my hand was yanked away and I was flat on my back with Fraser looming over me.

“I have to go…”

“Frase, please.”

“I’m sorry, Ray. Look I can’t be around you when you behave this way.”

“You want it too, Frase, so don’t you fuckin dare stand there and tell me different.”

“Ray…”

“No, admit that you want me and have for some time.”

“Yes, I want you, and that’s why I have to leave now.”

“That’s bullshit, Frase and you know it.”

“Ray, this is wrong and you know that. Just think about it logically and what it could do to our friendship.”

“I don’t do logic, Frase. I go by instinct and that’s who I am.”

“And what is your instinct telling you now, Ray?”

“Fuck…”

“Language, Ray.”

“Frase, do not do that okay. Look I’m sorry and I really don’t want you to leave.”

“Ray, I have had very little sleep and need to go home regardless.”

“Will ya come back, Frase. I mean are we still partners and all?”

“Yes, if you’ll still have me. I promise that things will get better soon and we will have to learn to adjust until then.”

“Yeah, okay and thanks.”

“Would you like me to bring your car back when I return, as I’m sure the precinct has finished with it by now?”

“Yeah, that would be good, greatness even. Frase…”

“What, Ray?”

“What car do I drive?”

“A Gran Turismo Omologato.”

“The goat…”

“See your memories are there somewhere Ray.”

“I built it with my dad.”

“Well, I will see you later and maybe we can go for a drive, as I’m sure it would help with your memories.”

“Cool.” 

I remained on the bed long after I’d heard my apartment door close, so I had a cool car a turtle and an okay apartment, and a stubborn Mountie as a partner. Well, I wasn’t the type to give in and would rise up to the challenge like a man, Benton Fraser would cave to my way of thinking and it was only a matter of time.

I spent the next couple of days doing everything I could to make Fraser feel comfortable around me, I also learnt a lot about the Mountie along the way too. Yeah that he was near perfect and could do far better than me, he had the looks and was far more intelligent than me too. Shit, the man did have a few strange habit’s too, and I knew it would be hard to get past the barriers that he’d erected himself to protect him from me.

Saturday, I talked him into coming over to watch a game, maybe we could get a pizza and chill. I was still on sick leave and was going outta my head here with boredom, I guess it also gave me way too much time to think too. Frase turned up dressed in jeans and a leather jacket and looked fuckin hot, it was more the creature with him that had disturbed me somewhat. Well, especially as it jumped me and had me pinned to the floor and my heart felt like it wanted to escape.

“Fraser, what the fuck…”

“He’s missed you, Ray. Dief get off him now…”

I watched as the animal stepped back and I could get up once more, then suddenly I had a vivid image in my head and I had to stop and think for a minute.

“He’s deaf and he likes pizza…”

“Well yes, Dief will eat any junk food despite the fact it’s not needed to maintain…”

“Frase, shut up.”

“Understood.”

I called Dief into the kitchen and gave him a cookie while Fraser wasn’t looking, and I knew I had a friend and I would be okay with him. Now I just had to go and work on Fraser, first I turned the television on and then ordered the hottest pizza the takeaway sold. It turned out to be easy enough as I had the number on speed dial, just a shame the takeaway bloke freaked me out when he claimed to know me.

“It’s not like you to order this type of Pizza, Ray.”

“I just felt in the mood. Do ya want a beer, Frase?”

“Ray, I already reminded you that I don’t drink.”

“Aw come on Frase, just one to celebrate that we’re okay and I’m getting my life back on track…”

“Very well, just the one.”

“You won’t regret it, Frase.”

I went into the kitchen and returned with two beers, I then placed them on the coffee table and watched as Fraser ate the pizza, the extremely hot pizza that was hot enough to kill anyone’s taste buds.

XXXXXXXXXX

I sat here on the couch and felt really good, I guess that it felt like old times as we laughed and shared the pizza. Some things change though, the old Ray would know the hot food wouldn’t hide the whisky he’d mixed with the beer. Not that it mattered to me as I just felt relaxed and peaceful as I lay my head back and closed my eyes, okay part of me did wonder about Ray and what he was planning and I couldn’t stop myself from asking.

“Why, Ray?”

“Why what?”

“Why did you add the whiskey to my drink, you should have known that I’d know.”

“What, you could taste it?”

“Ray, never mind tasting it, I can feel it! So, I’ll ask just once more, why?”

“Gotta take a leak, Frase…”

With that he was gone and the bathroom door closed behind him, now I had to wonder if Ray would even bother answering my question. I guess I was just finding things hard at times as the man was far more demanding than his old self, well with regards to specific things that is. I closed my eyes once more and relaxed, despite the fact that I should be going home now as it was getting rather late, especially as Ray couldn’t drive me due to the beer he’d had.

I thought about things in general and wondered how Ray really felt under the mask he hid behind; I mean how would I feel if I knew no one or even the city that I’d lived in my whole life? Then instinct kicked in and I knew Ray had re entered the room, my eyes opened and I locked up to see him stood there watching me. Not that Ray could stand still when he was worked up and soon he was pacing up and down, it was only when he stopped right in front of me that I felt rather nervous.

“Ray…”

“Okay, I did it because I wanted you to be you.”

“I assure you that I am me, Ray.”

“Okay, I wanted Fraser, the man who’s my friend and partner. Not Constable Benton Fraser, the Mountie with a stick up his ass…”

“Ray, I can assure you that I’m…”

“Frase, shut it.”

“Understood.”

Ray was very lithe and could move extremely fast when the urge took him, and I have to admit that I hadn’t expected his next move. Suddenly he sat over me and his thighs pressed against my own, not that it was by far the hardest thing to deal with as I was fighting to control myself. Even more so when he shifted and pressed his ass hard against my groin, and then there was no hiding the fact that I wanted him or what he did to me.

The mouth that pressed against mine was warm as Ray latched on to me and refused to let go, then my body gave in and I couldn’t stop myself from kissing the man I’d always wanted. Oh god, and then his tongue was forcing my lips apart and I felt it invade my mouth and I wanted more. Then we were forced to stop as we were both in need of air, that gave me a few seconds to think and I knew that I had to push Ray away and stop this.

“Oh no you don’t, Benton buddy…”

“Ray, we need to think about this logically.”

“Mr. logic can fuck off for the night, this is just between me and you, Frase. I want you and you want me so what’s the problem?”

“Ray…”

“Will ya answer me a question, Frase?”

“Ray, you can’t expect anyone to think logically and answer questions when you’re turning them on.”

“Frase, just tell me the truth. How long have you wanted me sexually?”

“Ray, I wanted you not long after I met you, however you have never wanted me in the same way. This is why we shouldn’t proceed in this course of action.”

“Hmm…”

Ray wasn’t listening and soon his mouth found mine once more, then those long eloquent fingers found their way underneath my shirt and found my nipples. My whole body arched upwards and my jeans were excruciatingly tight now; things had gone too far now and there was no going back no matter what the consequences may be. I grabbed hold of Ray’s backside and pulled him even closer to me, then before I’d even realized what I was doing, my hands had slipped inside the sweatpants that he wore.

The skin was so warm as I squeezed and kneaded the flesh that they held, then he was making a deep moaning noise and I knew things were getting close for both of us unless we pulled back. Just the thought of stopping now scared me, I wanted Ray and I wanted to make love to the gorgeous man that I had in my arms. My fingers had a mind of their own and soon slid down between the crack in his ass in search of that hidden spot, and once there, I couldn’t help but press the tip of my finger inside the tight hole. 

“Oh fuck…”

“Ray…”

“Don’t ya dare complain about my language, Frase. You don’t get to do that when ya have yer finger up my ass.”

“Actually, Ray… I was going to suggest that we adjourn to the bedroom.”

“Cool, come on then buddy, let’s go and get naked.”

Ray moved of my lap and grabbed hold of my hand, and soon he was leading me towards his bedroom and the one thing I’d always wanted. Ray was naked in no time and he was gorgeous, to see him so vulnerable and stripped of everything just made my erection ache even more with need. Maybe one day I could cuff him to the bed and spend hours exploring all the hidden places, as I wanted to know Ray Kowalski inside out.

“Frase, get with it will ya…”

“What?”

“Less gawking and lose the clothes.”

“As you wish, Ray.”

I stripped as fast as I could without falling over, and now I was the one stood here as Ray looked me up and down. Now I was also the one that felt out of place and I didn’t like the feeling one bit, my whole body had the fight or flight response and the flight part was slowly winning, then within seconds Ray pushed me onto the bed and my mind was now on his gorgeous body that was sat over me once more.

XXXXXXXXXX

I saw the look and knew, I had to get Frase to relax once more before he bolted and I was left alone, God, give the Mountie a minute and his conscience kicked in straight away. Well, they do say actions speak louder than words and this was my chance to see if it were true, I pushed Fraser onto the bed and now had him laid out before me and right where I wanted him, hell the man had reacted when we were both fully clothed and now, he had my hot naked body pressing right against his erection. 

“Fuck me, Frase.”

“Is that really what you want, Ray?”

“Hell yeah, hold on a second will ya.”

I licked up his stomach and then I gently bit each of his nipples in turn before jumping off the bed, I then started pulling out draws in search of the lube I Knew that I had somewhere. Within seconds I was back on the bed with Fraser’s erection in my hand as I played with it. Fraser was wider than me and I was fascinated by the extra skin that covered it. Then I set to work and stroked it up and down as I applied the lube, I was even fascinated by the small drops of precum that had started to appear.

“Ray, please!”

“What do ya want, Frase. Tell me you want this, tell me that you want to be deep inside me…”

“RAY…”

“Tell me that you want to shove yer cock as far up my ass as it will go…”

“Oh, dear, God. I want you and I want you now, otherwise I’ll come before I’m inside you.”

“Well, we can’t be having that, Benton buddy.”

I reached behind and applied some of the lube to my own ass, and then I sat back over Fraser and positioned his cock just where I wanted it to go. Once ready, I lowered myself down bit by bit as his large erection filled me far more than I’d expected. My ass felt stretched to the limit and I was even afraid to move at first.

“Ray, talk to me.”

“Just give me a minute and I’ll be good to go.”

“As you wish.”

It took a few more seconds and then I started to move as the pain eased, fuck, my whole body shuddered and I had to go faster as I was so close to coming. Then Fraser reached up and grabbed my own weeping cock and I was lost, I was literally hanging on by the skin of my teeth, then Fraser pushed deeper inside me and suddenly I was seeing starts as I came all over us both. Not that Fraser was done yet though, the Mountie started moving even faster and yelled out as he also found relief.

“Oh, fuck…”

“Whoa, Frase. Mounties ain’t allowed to say that.”

“I am human, Ray.”

“Hey ya can say it all ya want, you ruffled like that and cursing really turns my crank. Frase.”

“Hmm, so it doesn’t take much then.”

“Really funny, Mountie. Hardy ha ha.”

We stretched out and lay side by side, and then Fraser put his arm around me and pulled me towards his chest. Don’t get me wrong here, but I would swear the man said he loved me. Soon he was snoring though so I lay back and closed my eyes, my body was sated and I was starting to feel really tired now. 

Slowly I relaxed and my mind started drifting off elsewhere, then suddenly my eyes flew open and I felt really unnerved for some reason. Okay, I was in my own bed so at least I was safe, then I took a look around to get my bearings back and my eyes fell upon the dreamcatcher that hung there, I guess within those few seconds my brain suddenly put all the pieces together and I freaked out.

I’d woke up in that hospital bed with no memory at all, now I remembered everything and I wish I didn’t. I was a fuckin cop and I’d just let a man fuck me up the ass, and not just any man either. Shit Fraser was my best friend and partner and I’d… oh god I really didn’t want to think about what I’d just done, nor did I know how the hell I would look him in the face again. I was a cop and good at what I did, a normal had working cop and not some queer cop. You see, the words cop and queer were two words that were never meant to be used together.

Gay cops suffered; other cops didn’t like queer cops. My mind was racing and I had no idea how to deal with everything now either, even if I retired there was still my father and he hated queers no matter what the profession. Right now, I wanted to scream and hit something before all the thinking drove me insane. Instead, I moved off the bed taking the covers with me and huddled in the corner, then I just started yelling the same word over and over again.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…”

“Ray, are you okay?”

“Fuck okay, I’ll never be okay again, Frase.”

“I don’t understand…”

“You, me an argument where I hit ya, then you hit me back…”

“It would appear you have your memory back, Ray.”

“No shit sherlock…”

“So, I don’t understand what the problem is.”

“Problem, I’m a fuckin cop and I ain’t queer, Frase!”

“I see…”

“Fuck you, I’m having a major crisis and that’s all you can say?”

“I do think you’re being rather over dramatic, Ray.”

“That’s it, I want you outta here and gone now.”

“Ray, that won’t solve anything and you must stop running away all the time, look what happened last time.”

“Stay and I will hit you, fair warning, Frase.!”

“As you wish.”

“I’m off for a shower so be gone by the time I’m finished will ya.”

“Ray…”

“I’m not queer, Frase.”

I avoided all eye contact with Fraser as I stood and wrapped the cover tight around myself, then I made it to the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. The shower felt good and washed away all traces of what had happened, well, on the outside at least, however the water turned cold and I knew it was time to see if Fraser had left my apartment.

The coast was clear and I threw myself down on the bed and cried like a baby, then I grabbed a pillow and cried even more when all I could smell was Fraser and sex. I couldn’t blame it all on Fraser as I’d pushed every step of the way, it was just the thought of what we’d done together and if I’d lost him as a friend. I had no idea if we could even get past this because every time I thought of him, I saw us together, and that reminded me of how intimate I’d let things become.

XXXXXXXXXX

There was no pressure on my part and I’d let Ray take the lead, and then it was to become the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. Ray had willingly given himself to me, submitted in mind and body to an act that had made us one. It was something that I thought I’d never have, to have him looking down at me with so much love and need. Not that anything good ever lasts when it comes to me, as now I found myself sat here on his bed and alone.

Don’t get me wrong, the sex was amazing and I’d give Ray anything, but it went way deeper than that and I was in love with the man who was now rejecting me. I also knew there was no point pushing things tonight, as I knew that Ray would keep his word and hit me if I were to do so.

In the end, I knew that I had to get dressed and move, my body was just so slow and refused to cooperate, maybe it was just the thought of leaving Ray here alone when he was upset and not himself. Once dressed, I knocked on the bathroom door with the intention of telling Ray I was leaving, not that he answered me. So, in the end I went to get Dief and leave Ray and this apartment behind me.

My biggest fear was what tomorrow would bring, I had no idea if the man even wanted to be my partner or if I’d even get to see him again. In the end, I took the longest way possible back to the consulate so I could clear my head and think. My life was falling apart and I had to get my head together, I was a Mountie and within a few hours I’d be expected to act like one too. I decided to make my way towards the kitchen and make myself some bark tea hoping it would calm my nerves, even the silence was getting to me now and in the end, I turned the radio on low and wished I hadn’t as the song hit home.

“Blonde and blue, troubled and misused. Living without you, my heart is yours. Nothing lasts forever, we’ll always be together. But nothing lasts forever, my heart is yours…”

All thoughts of tea were gone as I fled the kitchen and ran into my office, I didn’t even undress as I threw myself down on my cot and cried because of what I’d lost. I had no idea how I’d get through work and the next few days, especially as a few words in a song had reduced me to nothing. The Mountie was long gone and now it was just me, a man who had no idea how to face things and deal with them, especially with matters of the heart. 

In the end, I’d cried myself to sleep and woke up some time later on my cot alone. I was still even fully dressed and knew I’d have to move. So that was what I did, soon I was showered and shaved and the Mountie face was back in place once more. Ray never came over that morning and Inspector Thatcher had plenty of work to keep me busy here, I’d contemplating phoning Ray so we could arrange a time to talk and deal with all of this. Not that it happened though, I hesitated every time and then replaced the phone before the connection was made.

I spent the day performing my duties and actually managed to get a lot done, now I had to face the thought of another night alone with nothing resolved, I contemplating phoning Ray and was about to pick up the phone as it started ringing.

“Canadian Consulate, Constable Benton Fraser speaking, how may I help you?”

“Constable, it’s Welsh.”

“Good day Sir, how may I help you?”

“You and Vecchio were working a case before his head injury, some car theft ring…”

“Yes, I’m well aware of that, Sir.”

“We’ve had a couple of leads that need checking out, and Vecchio thinks he can go solo on this. Look constable, I’ve no idea what his problem is but I need you on this.”

“What, Ray is back at work?”

“He came back this morning and seems to remember everything, despite the fact his mind seems to be elsewhere. I guess I was hoping you could liaise with him tomorrow and knock some sense into him.”

“I’m afraid it might not be that simple, Sir. I’m rather busy here at the moment and I’m unsure as to whether…”

“Yeah, I get it, I’ll catch you later, Constable.”

“Yes, Sir.”

I replaced the handset and just sat there staring at the phone, so it would appear that Ray went straight back to work and I guess it was now obvious he didn’t want to talk to me. At first, I’d thought he’d be at home all day alone, yet he hadn’t even called despite his return to the precinct. Just then the knock at my door drew me away from my thoughts, then Inspector Thatcher entered and she didn’t look too happy to say the least.

“Constable Fraser, is there something you would like to tell me?”

“Not that I’m aware of, Sir.”

“Well, I have just had a phone call from Lieutenant Welsh with regards to you and your lack of cooperation.”

“Sir…”

“No, Constable. I don’t want any excuses; we are here to help the Americans and that is why you liaise with them in the first place.”

“I’m well aware of that, Sir.”

“Good, you will be there then first thing in the morning, you will then remain there until you are no longer needed. Do I make myself clear, Constable?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Very good, have a pleasant evening, Constable.”

Well, it looked like I would have to face Ray no matter what, I was rather hoping he’d turn up here in the morning as that would give us time to talk. If not, I’d have to put my Mountie face back on and head over to the precinct and take matters from there.

XXXXXXXXXX

I woke early the next morning and knew I had to go back to work, I had to do something with my time or I would go insane. Shit then I remembered Fraser and wondered if he’d even show up, as I sure as hell wasn’t going over to the consulate.

First, Welsh had cornered me and gave me the third degree to see if I really knew who I were, after ten minutes he was satisfied and I was soon back behind my desk and relatively normal. I had plenty to catch up with after my weeks absence without even thinking about starting something new, then I picked up a file and remembered I’d been in the middle of a case with Fraser before all this had blown up.

I’d pushed the case aside until later on in the day as it wasn’t so urgent, then Welsh came to tell me different and demanded to know where the Mountie was. Yeah, cos I was too pathetic and incapable of doing it on my own, so I argued the case and then Welsh informed me that Fraser would be here first thing tomorrow morning. So, like an idiot I just went home and got drunk, and now I was back behind my desk and sat here with a pounding headache and seriously hungover.

I felt really sick and just had to get through today without anyone yelling at me or making it worse, I picked up the mug of coffee and threw in extra smarties just to make it go down a bit better. Shit, and then I looked up to see Fraser stood right in front of me

“Ray.”

I jumped up and spilt coffee all over the file I was working on, my nerves got the better of me and I really couldn’t do this right here in the bullpen with everyone watching us. I jumped up and went to go to the bathroom or anywhere for that matter, then the stubborn Mountie had to go stand straight in front of me.

“Ray, please…”

“Get the fuck outta my way, Frase. Or so help me…”

“What, you will hit me again? Go on then, Ray, hit me if it will make you feel better.”

“I’m warning ya…”

“Detective, Constable in my office now.”

“Great, all I need…”

“I heard that Detective, okay we can forget my office as you seem to prefer doing things out here. You and Constable Fraser here can take an early lunch break and deal with this. I want you both back here after lunch and ready to work together like the partners you’re meant to be. Do I make myself clear?”

Shit, now I had to face Fraser and I wasn’t ready to deal with all of this right now, and no way was it happening at the precinct either. So, I grabbed my jacket off the back of my chair and then checked my pocket for my car keys and walked out, I guess I just expected Fraser to take my lead and follow me. Hell, it wasn’t as if I knew where I was going myself so that we could talk in private, then without realizing it, I’d drove us both back towards my own apartment.

Okay, so I was a fuckin idiot and there was no denying it, as of all the places I could have brought him. Now I would have to put on my game face and just pretend I was interviewing a suspect at the station, and I guess it might work just so long as I didn’t kick him in the head.

“Make yer self at home, Fraser, do you want a drink or anything?”

“A tea would be nice, Ray.”

“I promise not to add anythin to it…Fuck…”

“Ray…”

“Do not say anything, Fraser. Look just let me go get the drinks will ya…”

“As you wish.”

Way to go Ray, I couldn’t believe I’d just said that to Fraser and now I felt like an idiot, and the urge to hit something was even stronger than before. I took far longer than necessary to make the tea and was trying to avoid the conversation we were going to have, then I noticed the opened bottle of whiskey and part of me thought it was a good idea to drink some for Dutch courage.

Shit then I thought what the hell, Fraser wasn’t even looking as I filled my mug with the strong amber liquid instead of coffee. I finally handed Fraser his tea and paced up and down with my own mug in my hand.

“Talk then, Frase. Say what ya have to so we can get this over with.”

“What can I say, you are the one that seems to be rather agitated and have a problem with all of this. Maybe you should be the one that does the talking, Ray.”

“Whoa, hang on there a minute, it’s that whatchamacallit… Deja whatever…”

“Déjà vu, Ray.”

“There you go again with that correcting thing, Frase. Look we had the talk and I told ya then what the problem was.”

“Well maybe you should enlighten me then, Ray.”

I paced back into the kitchen and refilled my mug and downed it in one, yeah great idea that was I’m sure. Then I knew I’d have to go explain it all to Fraser once more, and hopefully this time he would get it.

“Are you feeling okay. Ray?”

“What yer talkin about?”

“Your eyes appear rather bloodshot and your gait is rather off…”

“Fuck that and listen will ya, I already told ya that I’m a cop, Frase.”

“As your partner, I am well aware of that, Ray.”

“Yeah well, I’m also a man and you’re a man, shit and yer a cop too, Jesus this couldn’t be any more fucked up…”

“There are gay police officers out there, Ray.”

“Yeah, well I ain’t one of them, just get it into that thick head of yours will ya.”

I couldn’t do this anymore, I’d drank way too much lately and I couldn’t even remember when I last ate something either, and Fraser wasn’t listening and I was pissed off. I started punching the apartment door, well it was either that or Fraser, and he wasn’t an option when I felt this bad.

“Ray, Ray, Ray….”

“Leave me alone, Fraser.”

“What, and let you hurt yourself…”

“Hey, I ain’t hurting you so what’s it matter?”

“It matters to me, Ray.”

Suddenly his arms were pulling me away from the door so I couldn’t carry on hitting it, then that caused me to freak out and I tried pulling away from his touch and that warm body behind me. Then I slid to the floor at the same time my stomach rebelled against the whiskey, I just wanted to close my eyes and wake up normal, well as normal as it gets for me.

XXXXXXXXXX

Ray fell to the floor and threw up, and that was when I realized he was drunk and it wasn’t on coffee either. Him drinking was bad enough and I knew that it was so unlike him, worse was the fact it was a work day and Welsh wanted us both back after lunch.

“Why, Ray? Why are you doing this to yourself?”

“Frase, I need ta lay down and sleep…”

“And what about work and the case we are in the middle of?”

“Tell Welsh I quit.”

“Ray, you don’t mean that. Look let me help you up and then you can go lay down.”

“Sleep now, Frase. Then we can talk later…”

“You said that last time, Ray and look where we are now.”

Ray remained silent as I helped him to his feet and towards the bedroom door, then I wasn’t exactly gentle as I let go of him and he fell onto the bed.”

“Nice bedside manners ya have there, Frase.”

“Ray, you’re drunk.”

“No shit, whoa there, Buddy whatcha doin with those hands of yours?”

“Ray, I am removing your gun, I’m sure you wouldn’t want to shoot yourself in your sleep.”

I removed the gun and then also removed the harness so Ray could get comfortable, then he just rolled over and hugged one of the pillows as I pulled his boots off and then he spoke. The man was so confusing and rather annoying at times, yet I too was only human and my heart was slowly being ripped apart.

“This pillow smells nice, it smells like you, Frase.”

“I’ll get you a cloth, Ray.”

I had to get out of that bedroom, Ray lay there and made it pretty obvious that he felt something towards me and it hurt. He could have me there with him, however, the man would rather punish himself and make do with an inanimate object that would never love him. Once in the bathroom, I leant over the sink and cleaned my own tears away with the cold water and then wet a warm cloth for Ray.

Now I had to go out there and face him once more, part of me was actually hoping that he was asleep now and would just sleep it off. Hmm, no such luck, I returned to the bedroom to find Ray moaning, then it was only when I looked down, I realized what he was doing. Ray still held the pillow; however, he was using the heel of his other hand to rub his groin.

“Oh dear, Ray, Ray, Ray will you listen to me?”

“Whatcha want, Frase?”

“I’ve brought you a cloth and a glass of water, and I would suggest you use both and then get some sleep.”

I stood there as Ray tried to sit up, he then took the cloth and cleaned his face somewhat before accepting the glass of water. Even drunk, the man was fast and grabbed hold of my jacket, he then proceeded to shove his tongue down my throat and I struggled to free myself.

“Yer no fun, Frase. I could make it goof for ya, Ben.”

The use of my first name brought me back to the present and I pushed him away rather hard. I had to get out of here and away from Ray until he sobered up again.

“Ray, I am leaving, come to me when your sober and say that and I might be obliging.”

“Stubborn Mountie…”

“Goodbye, Ray.”

I had to remind myself that this wasn’t what Ray truly wanted and I couldn’t let him pull me in again, I knew Ray saw officers as straight men only, yet I’d never questioned him on his beliefs otherwise. Well, that would have to wait until later tonight when I’d pop back over. First, I had to go see Lieutenant Welsh and do some explaining. How could I tell him that one of his main detectives was at home in bed drunk, and in the middle of the day no less.

Lying didn’t come naturally to me, and that was why I decided to take a long walk back to the station so I had time to think. As I knew Ray was lying when he said to tell Welsh he quit, well I hope he was lying as I couldn’t cope without him around me.

I finally reached the precinct and I knew my time was up, I entered with my head held high and went straight to Ray’s desk to obtain the files we were working on and hoped that would be enough. Maybe I could come up with something and Welsh wouldn’t even realize Ray was absent. No such luck I’m afraid, five minutes later I heard Lieutenant Welsh shout my name.

“Where’s Vecchio, constable?”

“Ray appears to have developed an upset stomach and was rather sick, Sir. Who knows, maybe he came back to work too soon?”

“Constable, Vecchio was away with amnesia and not some sickness bug. How about you tell me the truth Constable Fraser?”

“Aw well it’s rather personal, sir.”

“There is no place for personal problems here, Constable, and some of this goes way back before the Vecchio gig. The detective is a loose cannon at times and he needs reeling in.”

“Sir, I have to say that it’s rather unfair as Ray is a good detective.”

“Yeah, he is, Constable, and that’s why it needs dealing with before he really falls apart.”

“Understood, I will see what I can do, Sir.”

“Good, oh and Constable…”

“Yes Sir.”

“Good luck.”

I had a feeling I was going to need good luck when it came to dealing with Ray, especially when I arrived back at his apartment to find his car there, however, of Ray Kowalski there was no sign.

XXXXXXXXXX

I woke sometime later and realized the room was now dark, oh and let’s not forget that my head was pounding and I was struggling to think. Oh shit, Fraser was here and we were working a case, then I remembered how Fraser had wanted us to talk and that I’d also pissed off Welsh too. Yeah well, there was a high chance that I would have no job now anyway.

I was too tired to move and just lay here thinking about everything, had I done something, and why the hell would Fraser leave without telling me. Hmm, my partner wasn’t someone I wanted to think about too closely either. And why was that, maybe because I was good at lying to myself about what I wanted.

No that wasn’t true, I knew what I wanted and refused to accept it because of who I was, and the fact I was a cop. I could remember the hospital and how I was going to hit him, then I’d kissed him instead. Then there was the night back here and in this very bed, I couldn’t deny how I’d felt when I was denying I was a cop. Okay, so Fraser had told me yet it still didn’t feel right, then my memory came back I remembered that I really was one.

That was when it had all changed and I had to accept who I was, and being a cop didn’t mean having a male lover. I was willing to sacrifice my needs and the man I loved because of my job and beliefs, and I guess that was when I even surprised myself. Was I really in love with Fraser? I thought about all we’d done together from that very first day and knew it was true, maybe that was what had triggered the argument that day, I’d hit Fraser and walked away because I was afraid of my own feelings.

I’d never really thought of men before, I suppose I had Stella for the biggest part of my life and I’d never cheat on someone, then after her I’d become Vecchio and met the Mountie. My head still hurt and I knew I’d have to get up and do something as my life was a mess, and only I could deal with it and decide what I want to do.

I threw the covers back and realized I was still fully dressed, also I couldn’t miss the smell or taste of vomit and whiskey. Yeah, cos I was a fuckin idiot and got drunk on a work day, also an idiot that had let my partner down and left him alone to face the music. A cop never let his partner down no matter what, maybe that was why I’d laughed at Fraser when he’d told me I was a cop, as I sure as hell didn’t feel fit to call myself one right now.

So, I had decisions to make and that was what I’d done, I took a shower and dressed in some clean clothes before grabbing my car keys and wallet. Then I thought about Fraser again and how I were a cop, that was when I threw my keys down and grabbed my phone instead and dialed a number. And they rest as they say, was history.

The cab arrived and I found myself in a rather packed bar getting drunk so I could forget, despite knowing I would have to face the man along with Lieutenant Welsh too.

The drinks kept coming and the music was good, I sat at the bar and watched the people around me laughing and having fun, people were dancing and having a good time. That just reminded me of how I loved to dance and how it was something I now had to do alone, yeah cos I fucked up my marriage just like I fuck up everything.

Well fuck everyone. Tonight, I would dance and I would be happy too, I staggered to the dance floor and soon everything else was forgotten. I just wanted to dance and I didn’t care who I did it with either, part of me wondered what it would be like to dance with another man, and the other part of me wanted to go to the consulate and see Fraser. I made my way back to the bar, because with thoughts like that, I’d definitely not drunk enough.

I had no recollection of how I even made it home, I just woke and knew I was back in my own bed as I could smell Fraser. Oh fuck, it was at that moment that I realized I wasn’t alone either. My mind raced and tried to remember last night, and I was worried I’d gone to the consulate after all and brought Fraser back. I tried to concentrate and remember without any luck, and in the end, I was forced to open my eyes and see who was here with me.

I opened them ever so slowly and hoped the other person wouldn’t realize I was awake yet, I guess I wanted to weigh up the situation and all of my options. The person next to me was female and thankfully fully dressed, not that it jogged any memories from last night. Then I realized that she was awake and was watching me, she also knew that I was awake and she appeared rather impatient like she was in a hurry or something. I just wished she had left before I woke, as I always hated the next morning and never knew what to say.

“Good morning sugar, it’s good to see you awake.”

“What, I don’t remember much…”

“Well, you were rather drunk and I was surprised you even remember your address.”

“Did we… You know… together?”

“You mean did we have sex; you can say it you know?”

“Yeah that, well, did we?”

“You were far too drunk for that, Sugar, so I figured I’d let you sleep it off and see if you were interested in the morning.”

“What…shit, no…”

“I would have left but you had no money in your wallet.”

“What, shit this is all giving me a headache…”

“Well.” I do need paying sugar!”

Oh, I was so fucked, reality hit me and I realized I’d fucked up once more. I’d gone from straight cop, to possibly queer cop and now prostitutes. I had to wonder if my life could get any worse, then I realized I didn’t even keep any cash in the apartment.

“I don’t have any cash on me, look I’m a cop and this should never have happened, I guess I was just drunk and….”

“How do I know you’re not lying; you don’t look like no cop to me.”

I reached inside the draw beside the bed and flipped my wallet open, I then showed her and saw the recognition on her face as she realized it was real.

“Ray Vecchio Chicago P.D.”

“Fuck, look I don’t need the hassle…”

With that, she got up and grabbed her bag before slamming the bedroom door shut behind her. As for me, I just lay here wishing a huge hole would open up and swallow me as I’d had enough of my fucked up life.

XXXXXXXXXX

I decided not to wait around for Ray this morning, I would go over to his before work so we could deal with matters in private. I had to admit that I was surprised to find his door ajar so early in the morning, especially as Ray disliked mornings and was not a morning person. Then I had to wonder if maybe something was wrong and he was injured and in need of help, that was why I entered cautiously and listened to every noise.

The main room was clear and so was the kitchen, then I had to wonder if Ray was even here after his disappearing act last night. Well, I was here and knew I’d have to check out the bedroom too so I could be sure, and that was when I found Ray laid on the bed with his arm over his eyes.

“Ray…”

“Hey come in Frase and make yer self at home.”

“Are you feeling okay, it’s just that your door was open and I was rather worried about your safety.”

“Yeah, I’m okay, I guess.”

“Where were you last night, Ray?”

“Whoa, yer not my mum, Frase.”

“No, I’m just your partner who was worried about you after yesterday.”

“Sorry, look I was out getting laid okay. That’s what men do, Frase, they go out and pick up a pretty girl and bring her home for…”

“Ray, that is enough!”

“Just saying.”

“I know exactly what you’re doing and it won’t work, Ray.”

“Think what you want, look I need a shower so do what you want.”

“I will wait and go to the precinct with you, Ray.”

“Greatness.”

With that the bathroom door slammed and Ray was gone, while I just stood here and try to compose myself and control my emotions. Part of me hoped that Ray was lying as a way to hurt me, and the other part of me had to know the truth about what he said. Well, I had the time and was in the bedroom alone, I leant forward and pulled one of the pillows from the bed and sniffed it, and I knew straight away that he’d brought a woman back her last night.

My heart ached and I had to force the tears back, as suddenly I had this uncontrollable urge to hit something, or maybe drag Ray out here and ask him why he would do such a thing. Why choose a stranger when he had someone here who loved him so much, but I already knew the answer to that question? It was plain and simple; I was a man and he would rather be alone than deal with the reality.

I wanted to hold Ray in my arms and tell him just how much I loved him, and I also wanted to show him that love too. I wanted to take him to bed and make love to him, ha, and wasn’t that the kick in the teeth. I didn’t know where to go from here, maybe I should return to the consulate and let Ray face Welsh without me there too.

I was still stood there thinking when Ray returned from the bathroom in just a towel, and now this had to be some form of torture. Ray stood there with water running down his chest and I had the sudden urge to go over and lick it off, it was suicidal yet I couldn’t stop myself from taking a step forward. I was even right up in his face before he finally spoke to me.

“I forgot to take some clothes into the bathroom with me, any chance of some privacy to get dressed here buddy?”

“I’m sure I’ve seen it all before, Ray.”

“Frase, why are ya looking at me like that?”

I pressed Ray against the nearest wall and held his head in my hands as my mouth found his, then soon I was kissing him and I was unable to stop as I forced my tongue in and out of that warm place. I guess it helped somewhat when I realized that Ray was kissing me back too, that proved that he wanted this just as much as I did.

I carried on kissing him and I wanted more, soon I was running one of my hands down his naked chest and playing with the fine hair there until I felt something hard, Ray’s nipples were already hard as my fingers brushed over them and Ray cried out in pleasure. I let go of his mouth and soon I had one of the little buds in my mouth and I sucked on it hard, I even used my teeth and bit gently and knew that Ray was really turned on now.

I realized just how turned on he was when I felt his erection press up against my body, Ray was really moaning now and I wondered if I were brave enough to pull the towel away and take what I really wanted, just the thought of his hot silky cock in my mouth was making me desperate and my own pants were rather tight now. Well, I decided I had nothing to lose as I hooked a finger inside the edge of the towel, and then suddenly Ray shoved me away and I was too shocked to speak at first.

“Frase, we have no time for this as I have ta be at work.”

“Ray, what do you want?”

“Just to get dressed, okay.”

“I meant from me, Ray. You do appear to give off rather mixed signals, and I’m rather at a loss I’m afraid.”

“I dunno what I want… Chances are it will be wrong if I want it anyway and I’m just fucked up…”

“Ray, please don’t push me away again.”

“Look, I need to be at work before Welsh tears me a new one. Please, Frase.”

“As you wish, not that you can keep putting it off though, Ray.”

“Yeah, I get it okay, just let me dress and deal with work first.”

I left Ray to do his usual morning routine while I made him his coffee, then we headed out towards the precinct and I knew Ray was worried about work too and he would have to deal with that first. Not that Lieutenant Welsh wanted to see him straight away though, he made it clear that he wanted to see him at the end of the day and alone. I just hoped that Ray wasn’t in trouble or his job at risk, I think that was why we worked so hard all day and had cracked the case before the day ended.

XXXXXXXXXX

We both arrived at work and thankfully there was no mention of this morning and what happened, I’d come so close to letting Fraser, hm not a good way to think. We had this case to work and that’s what we did, and most of the day it felt like old times and we were good together, we had that partner and duet thing going once more. I sat at my desk and watched Fraser when he thought I wasn’t looking at him, and I had to admit that the man was gorgeous and so different from anyone I knew.

I guess I’d always known Fraser was good looking, especially when every woman that saw him wanted him, except Stella that was. I’d never understood what it was with her and why she disliked him, saying that, I do believe that the feeling was mutual. I was still lost in thought when it was time to call it a day, I grabbed my jacket and hoped to make a quick getaway, and that was when I heard the loud voice.

“Vecchio my office now, you weren’t planning on leaving without seeing me, were you?”

“No, Lieu…”

“I’m pleased to hear that. So, inside and take a seat.”

I walked into his office and sat on the couch, Welsh closed the door behind him and then the blinds before taking a seat behind his desk. Shit, suddenly I felt like some naughty school kid facing the head teacher and I had to get up once more and pace the room.

“This is dealt with right now, Detective. I know that you have a problem and it concerns Constable Fraser. I need to know if you can work past it for your sake and the real Ray Vecchio?”

“It’s personal and a bit awkward.”

“And like I told that partner of yours, there is no place here for personal problems. The minute you walk through that door, you are a detective and that is all that matters. Do I make myself clear, Vecchio?”

“Crystal, Sir.”

“So, I won’t ask again, Out with it, Detective.”

“I did somethin and it was somethin that shouldn’t have happened, it was stupid and considering I’m a cop and all…”

“Vecchio, was it something illegal or something I need to arrest you for?”

“Shit, no nothin like that…”

“So, you should have no problem telling me then.”

I was still pacing up and down the small office and trying to think, what the hell did you tell your boss in a situation like this? I was like some caged animal and my hands clenched as I itched to hit something. I felt sick inside and I knew I was falling apart, then I took my fist and hit the nearest wall. The pain was immense, yet it didn’t stop me from raising my hand once more. I never did get to hit the wall a second time though, Welsh was out of his chair in seconds and had hold of me tight.

“That won’t solve anything, Vecchio. How about I call the Mountie in here and ask him, I mean we all know that he doesn’t lie.”

“Shit, no. Fraser already thinks I’m in some sortta denial or somethin. Fuck... I slept with Fraser, there are ya happy now?”

“And that’s it.”

“What the hell do you mean, is that it. I just outed myself and told you I’d slept with my male partner, that I took it up the ass and enjoyed it and that’s all you can say.”

“Too much information there, Detective. Look if it makes you feel any better, most of us already thought you were together.”

“Like fuck does it make me feel better, so you all thought I was queer when I’m not.”

“Detective, most people in this station aren’t homophobic, and no one cares that you’re both male.”

“I do, I’m a fuckin cop for god’s sake.”

“Yeah, a good one so you should know better, Look, Ray… I think you need some time to calm down, maybe take a couple of days off and talk this over with the constable.”

“Yeah right, what if I don’t wanna take a couple of days off…”

“I’m not asking you, it’s a direct order, Detective.”

“Just great, so can I go now?”

“Yeah, just do what feels right, Vecchio. I guess you need to decide how much the man means to you.”

“I love him…”

“I’ll see you in two days, Vecchio. Maybe in that time you can say those words to Constable Fraser too.”

I walked out and slammed the door; my mind was reeling and I had to get as far away from here as possible. I couldn’t believe that I’d just told Welsh everything, nor the fact they already thought we were together.

Fraser was waiting outside and I knew that he wanted to talk to me, yet I barged straight past him and got in my car. I then put the pedal to the metal and burned rubber as I screeched out of the car park. Somewhere out there was a bottle with my name on and that was all that mattered. 

XXXXXXXXXX

I’d thought we’d had a good day today and we actually managed to get on and work together, Then Ray had gone to see Welsh and everything had changed. Part of me wanted to go back in the station and demand some answers from the lieutenant, as Ray had drove out of here without even so much as a backward glance in my direction. Not that I could though, I had standards to uphold and whatever was said was between the two men and private.

So, I called Dief and walked back to the consulate as I needed the air and time to think. My mind whirled and I couldn’t understand what would make Ray leave like that, one thing was obvious though, this would be another day that I we never talked about what had happened previously and just this morning.

I arrived sometime later and spoke to Constable Turnbull before retreating to my office, I guess I needed some time to think as many things were running through my mind too. I was having thoughts about home and whether I should return to Canada for a few weeks as the time apart might do us some good, then I realized, the only reason I remained here really was because of Ray. 

I’d thought about calling up but decided against it for now, I would get changed and settle down for the night and maybe read something to take my mind off it all. I knew it was only another hour and then I would be here all alone, I knew that Turnbull had to work late and it felt comforting knowing I wasn’t alone, even if it was only temporary. I finally relaxed and started to read, then it was as if all hell had broken loose as I heard Turnbull raising his voice and some banging, So, I put my book down and went to see what the man had managed to break this time.

“Constable, Turnbull what appears to be going on out here… Ah, Ray.”

“Sir, Detective Vecchio here forced his way past me as I was about to leave for the night, he was then rather rude towards me.”

“I’ll deal with it, Constable Turnbull. Ray, you can go in my office and wait for me there.”

“Frase, I just wanna…”

“Ray, you can go to my office and wait, or you can leave now.”

“Yeah, fine, whatever….”

“You may leave now, Turnbull, I’m sure you want to be heading home now.”

“As you wish, Sir. Are you sure you’ll be alright with Detective Vecchio, it’s just he appears rather drunk Sir?”

“I will be fine, Constable.”

I waited and then locked the consulate door after Turnbull, I then just stood there with my back pressed against the door as I braced myself for what was to come. Ray had no right coming here drunk and expecting me to deal with him like this, I wanted answers from the man, I also wanted him to be sober when he gave me those answers too. Not that it would happen right now though, as I opened my office door and found Ray fast asleep on my cot.

The man was gorgeous as he lay there looking so vulnerable, also it wasn’t that often that you got to see the man so quiet and still like this. I leant forward and ran my fingers along his cheek because I could, I just wanted to touch him without him fighting me every step of the way. Then I realized it was wrong and pulled my hand away just as he stirred, he still managed to mumble things despite being drunk and half asleep.

“Frase, come ta bed will ya?”

“Ray, just go to sleep, please.”

“Yer no fun, Frase.”

“Maybe not, however you are drunk, Ray.”

“I promise I won’t molest ya ore anythin.”

“Unfortunately, that’s a promise I can’t make to you, Ray.”

Ray curled up in a small ball and fell asleep with my pillow in his arms, and now I was finding it hard to concentrate or do anything just knowing he was so close, and also knowing what I wanted to do to him. This gorgeous man was my best friend and partner, yet some of the things I wanted to do to him made me question my own sanity and that scared me. So, here I were just sat at my desk with a book in my hand and my focus on Ray, I knew there was no point and in the end, I opened the draw and placed the book inside.

That was when my fingers brushed against the cold metal inside and I pulled it out, and now I looked at the handcuffs I held and looked back at the sleeping man. I wanted to cuff him and strip him of all he wore, to have him at my mercy as I played with his body. I wanted to show him what he was giving up by not accepting his own sexuality. I wanted so much and I knew it was wrong, especially when Ray was still so unsure of what he wanted out of all this. In the end, I fell asleep where I sat and knew I would have backache come morning.

I had my arms on my desk and my head resting on them, and I was still in the same position come morning when I opened my eyes to daylight, and I noticed that my hand still held tightly to the set of cuffs Oh god, it was at that moment that I remembered about Ray and turned towards the cot to find him awake.

“How are you feeling this morning, Ray.”

“Like someone took a hammer to my head, ya shoulda kicked me outta yer bed, Frase, hell ya have work and all.”

“As do you, Ray.”

“No, Welsh gave me a couple a days off. Frase, did I do or say anything, ya know…”

“No, nothing of importance, Ray.”

“Cool…”

“Ray, we still need to talk.”

“Yeah later, I have things to do and places to go.”

“Like where, considering you were meant to be at work.”

“Nothin to do with ya, Frase.”

“Understood.”

“Look, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It doesn’t matter, however thank you kindly for your honesty.”

“Frase, I meant it when I said later.”

“As you wish, there is just one thing I wanted to let you know though.”

“And what would that be.”

“I’m thinking about returning to Canada, Ray.”

“What the fuck…”

“Language, Ray.”

“Fuck that and fuck you.”

I never had chance to say anything else as Ray jumped up and stormed out of my office, he slammed the door behind him and I knew I’d said something that hurt him and it felt good, maybe it was the wake up call the man needed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I made my way back to my apartment, then once there, I fell on the couch and just lay there with my eyes closed as I thought about my life. My mind reeled as so many scenarios played out in my head, then I wondered if he’d meant a trip back home, or if Fraser planned to return to Canada and I’d never see him again.

I’d fucked all of this up by sleeping with the man in the first place, not that it was my fault when I couldn’t even remember who I were. Fuck no that wasn’t true, and the least I could do was try and be honest with myself. I wanted him and I got him despite all his warnings that I’d regret it when my memory returned. I knew that I loved Fraser and I had for some time, the man was my best friend and the only real one I had too. 

This was different and I was in love with him, so could I just let him walk outta my life and never see him again. Soon I was back up and out of the door with my car keys in my hand, I had to go see Fraser and this time I had to go do it while I were sober. I screeched to a halt outside the consulate and left the car parked illegally, then I saw Fraser and realized there was no chance we were having this talk anytime soon, well not if I wanted him to answer me that is. Fraser was stood there all stiff and straight and working, fuck why did the Mountie have to be doing this today of all days.

I found myself stood in front of him as I watched him, the man was gorgeous and I had no idea why the hell he would want someone like me in his life other than work, not that he had a choice in the latter. I knew he was good at this and I was wasting my time trying to get him to talk, Mr. upright Mountie here wouldn’t break no matter what. Then I had an idea, okay it was more of a spur of the moment thing and rather stupid.

I leaned towards him and pressed a gentle kiss upon his soft lips, then I stepped back when I realized just where we were and that it was also daytime now, and that meant people walking past and staring. I looked down the street and realized we were good, then I turned back to Fraser and noticed the single tear and felt like an ass. The man was here working and I was destroying all his self control, so I wiped the tear away just before stepping back and talking to him.

“Shit, I’m so sorry, Frase. We should have talked sooner and we would have if I weren’t such a jerk, but I guess that’s me and I never stop ta think about what I’m doing or what it does to anyone else. Look, I’m tryin ta tell ya that I was wrong. We need ta talk before you do anything stupid like going back home, yer my friend and I need you, Frase.”

I paced up and down in front of him and didn’t know what else I could say to him, I was already blathering on like an idiot as it was. Finally, I walked back to my car and opened the door, then I spun back around and walked right back up to Fraser once more.

“Frase, look if I mean anythin at all ta ya, come to my apartment later and I swear we will talk and sort this out. I guess if ya don’t show, well I suppose I’ll know where I Stand…”

I got back in my car knowing there was nothing more I could do here right now; the ball was in Frasers court and it was up to him whether I was worth bothering with. Once I was back home, the day dragged and I was starting to get rather angsty and tired, it made me wonder how Fraser managed to sleep on that cot seven nights a week without any backache. Maybe a short sleep would do me good and fill in some of the time until Fraser finished work, I just had to remind myself that he might not come and I wasn’t to get my hopes up.

I’d fallen asleep and it was the knocking on the apartment door that dragged me back to reality, now I had to hope that it was Fraser and also that I don’t back out of telling him as I knew this was my last chance to tell him how I truly felt. Then a thought hit me, maybe I would do better showing him as they do say actions speak louder than words. I dragged myself out of bed and went over to the door and pulled it open, there was a moment of silence and I knew I had to break this if we wanted to move on.

“Where’s Dief?”

“Ray.”

“The wolf, Frase. Where is he, as I’d hate to slam the door shut on him.”

“I thought it would be rather prudent to leave him at the consulate, Ray. Why is that a…”

“Frase, just get the hell inside and shut up will ya.”

“Ray, have you been drinking, you look rather…”

“Frase, I just got outta bed.”

“Understood.”

God the man asked way too many questions and talked too much at times, so I grabbed his jacket and pulled him inside before slamming the door. Then I silenced the man before he could open his mouth again, the kiss was hard and desperate as I put everything into it. I knew I was afraid to let go in case he pushed me away and I never got to do it again, I was afraid that this was it and that was what made me desperate.

Soon my hands were grabbing his jacket and trying to pull it off, then they tried to undo the stupid fastener on his pants and I was getting really annoyed without even realizing why. Then suddenly Fraser grabbed my arms and held me at arm’s length and I thought this was it. This is where he’ll push me away and leave me so alone with nothing, then he spoke and his words registered just before I sank to my knees.

“Ray, I’ve got you. Please don’t cry anymore and just tell me what ‘s wrong.”

“I Want ’cha ta stay, Frase. God please don’t leave me here all alone.”

Soon Fraser also sank to the floor and held me tight in his arms as I sobbed, and for once, I finally felt safe and this was where I wanted to be.

XXXXXXXXX

Sometimes Ray could be the most frustrating man to deal with, he blew hot and cold all the time and I couldn’t figure out what was going on in his head at all. Was this something he thought he had to do to make me stay as a friend, as I wasn’t the type that was looking for friends with benefits. I wanted him as my lover and without that I would gladly go back home to Canada, even knowing that my life would never be the same without this gorgeous energetic man.

“Ray, how about we move to the couch and you can tell me what you want.”

“Ya don’t want me do ya, Frase? I bet yer thinkin I’m damaged or somethin and not worth all the hassle.”

“Ray, whatever would make you think that?”

“Jeez I dunno, Frase, maybe the fact ya just pushed me away.”

“I pushed you away because you were upset, Ray. Never doubt the fact that I want you more than anything.”

I pulled Ray to his feet and led him towards the couch, the tears had slowed down now and he was trying to get himself under control and stay sat still, not that Ray did still at all. Within seconds, he was back on his feet and pacing the apartment once more.

“Ray, tell me why you want me to stay?”

“What, yer my friend, Frase. Hell, yer the only one I got.”

“I see…”

“What the hell does that mean, I see?”

“It means I now know where I stand, Ray.”

“Yeah, well ya don’t sound too happy about it.”

“So, five minutes ago when you couldn’t keep your hands off me, what was all that about, Ray. Is that how you get people to stay in your life, would you really go so low just to keep a friend?”

“I should kick you in the head for that, Frase.”

“Just the truth will do, Ray.”

“The answer is no I wouldn’t go that low to keep a friend, I did it because I love you… Hell, I’m in love with you, Frase!”

“And I you, Ray.”

“What, yer in love with me?”

“Maybe I should be the one that feels offended now. Did you really think I was just using you to get what I wanted?”

“I dunno what I thought, but this changes my life, Frase.”

“Maybe we need to get on the same page and communicate more.”

“Yeah, that would be good.”

“How about I take you to bed and prove to you how much I love you, Ray. And then tomorrow we can deal with the world together.”

“I’m all over that, Frase. So, the Mountie really does get his man then?”

“Actually it’s… Never mind, let’s go to bed, Ray.”

Maybe now Ray would be happy and realize he was the reason I wanted to stay here, well he had stated that he wanted to be someone’s reason for doing everything after all.

The End

Give Me a Reason

By CarolelaineD

Song lyrics are Blonde and Blue by the Headstones