Work Text:
~ Kinn ~
"Please Porsche, give me the chance to explain!" I begged with tears in my eyes.
"There's nothing to explain! You just used me this whole fucking time! N-Now that Tawan is back, you don't need me anymore, do you!?" his voice cracked.
"That's not true!"
"Then why did you ignore me? Why did you lie to me so much? Bastard! I fucking hate you! Leave me alone!"
The moment he slammed the door behind him, I just knew it would have been useless to follow him. It's only my fault. I caused all of this. I just wanted to clarify my feelings, to understand myself and these emotions. I wanted to know if what I'm feeling for Porsche is true and not because I saw him just as a replacement in my life, but it took me too long. It's been two years since I broke up with Tawan and I stopped having this type of feelings for anyone else.
[Note: Sorry if I'm mistaken, but I remember it to be two years]
I was afraid that I'll never get over Tawan and his shit, so I tried to somehow isolate myself. The moment Porsche showed me the slightest bit of affection, the walls around my world just shattered into pieces. I was afraid of these feelings. I was afraid I'll be miserable again, yet here I am.
I was too egoistic and now Porsche reached his limits. I hurt his feelings way too much, I consumed his last trace of confidence and now he is all insecure about his potential and body. Porsche hates himself and he hates me. I hate myself too for letting such a thing happen. There's no way I'll be able to fix such a disastrous mistake...
The feelings inside my chest took over my body as a weak tremble of apprehension and anxiety. The fear wrapped tightly around my heart, like a claw, hurting and taking my breath away.
I yelled and threw things all over the room. I felt like I could break absolutely anything that happened to get in my hand. I pushed the sofa with my foot so hard that it stopped only next to the wall and I almost threw my computer on the floor. I sat down in front of the sofa and leaned my back against it. I smoked and drank carelessly, no idea for how long, hoping to get rid of these suffocating feelings, but it didn't work at all. In fact, it only got worse. Where could Porsche go now? Back home? To Yok's? Probably not. It's getting dark already.
Big knocked on the door and entered without my consent. Another problem is that I am alone. Kim was God knows where and Khun went to eat with his bodyguards, including Pete. Beside Porsche, Pete was the only one I could trust, but now they are both away. These being said, I am alone.
"You'd better stop drinking"
Big walked closer to me and pulled the glass out of my hand.
"Did I let you in?? Get out!" I yelled annoyed.
He stared at me with so much pity in his eyes that it made me feel disgusted. I don't need you here. I don't need anyone to see me like this! I don't even know what I want... I don't know what to do with these feelings.
I stood up and walked aimlessly around the room, while Big's eyes never left me for a damn second. It's uncomfortable as fuck. I swallowed my tears and hurried to leave and walk in the backyard. Big followed me and put a certain distance between us, fact which made me stop the paranoia caused by his presence. He surely noticed my reticence around him.
"You can't drive like that" Big said.
"It won't be so bad if I crash into a tree"
"I'm not letting you go anywhere alone"
Why am I even trying to avoid him? What's the point now? Big got no intention into killing me anyway. If he did, he had the chance to do it a hundred times already.
"Fine" I said, taking both of us by surprise.
I was surprised by how indifferent I feel now about my safety and Big was surprised because it’s been a long time since I let my guard down around him.
I got in my car and threw the keys on the driver's seat. Big took them and turned on the car, looking at me to give him a destination. There was a time I used to trust him a lot. It feels nostalgic.
"Yok's" I said dryly.
I don't expect to meet Porsche there, but that place is where everything started. It holds most of my memories and that environment is the bare minimum I can ask for. Big's hands were tensed on the steering wheel, even though his face looked like usual. He is nervous. Why?
It doesn't matter. Let him be.
At Yok's, we sat to the farthest table and I ordered to drink what I usually do. I put my hands on the table and leaned my chin on my arm while following Big walking toward the counter. Jade glanced at me and raised an eyebrow. That's when Tem, one of Porsche's friends, popped up in front of me and blocked my sight.
"So you are the reason of all problems" he said harshly. "What the fuck did you do this time??"
"Is Porsche at your house?" I asked concerned.
Fuck, I wanted to suppress these feelings, but I really can't stop thinking.
"Don't worry, he is with us. Jom tried to talk to him but he refused to say anything. I doubt you will explain either-..."
"Is he ok...?"
"Oh? I don't know? He stopped crying and he said he wants to kill you. What do you think?" Tem said and shrugged his shoulders with irony.
"I'm asking you again: What the fuck did you do this time??" he insisted.
"I don't want to talk about it"
"We have no idea how to comfort Porsche if we don't know why he is like that!! So talk!"
"It's useless!" I yelled on the verge of crying. "It's my fault! And what I did isn't something you two can fix!"
"You're an asshole! Do you know how much Porsche loves you!? Fucker! You don't deserve him!"
I know! I fucking know! And I'm deeply sorry for treating him so bad, for disrespecting him, for not giving him a response soon enough, for not being honest with him... for fucking up his life...
Tem walked away and went to see Jade. Big waited for Tem to leave and only after that he returned to the table. I drank everything that got in my hand, desperately trying to turn my mind off. I saw Tem and Jade glancing at me, Tem with disgust and Jade with suspicion. Porsche is lucky for having such great friends.
"Why do you have to act so immature?" Big spoke in a common manner.
Huh, how dare you be so informal with me? But does it matter? I don't feel like arguing at all.
"Just leave already" I murmured.
"You know I can't do that"
I saw Tem walking somewhere, but I'm not sure if he returned back or not. Maybe he went home. I looked up at Big, who obviously hid something.
"What do you want from me, Big?" I asked straightforward.
"What do you mean? I don't want anything"
"Cut the crap. What is it? Money? My attention? Recognition?"
None of these.
"I want to know why you are so obsessed with that guy. What's so special about him?"
Noisy.
"None of your business!"
It's more. I feel it and it's bad.
"You can have whoever you want, so why are you acting so childish?" he continued.
"You're getting on my nerves! Leave me alone!"
I spoke a little too loud, because Jade turned to look in our direction with uneasiness on her face. Shit, I got up and hurried to get outside. I barely walked straight. The cold air of the night forced me to get back on my senses. I still walked along the walls, afraid I might lose my balance anytime. I heard Big's heavy steps stomping behind me. He reached for my wrist and forced me to stop in place.
"Where do you think you're going?" he said in a defying tone.
"Let me go..."
I tried to jerk out of his grip, but he clenched his fingers into my skin and slammed me against the wall. I hit him with my fist, but not hard enough to get anywhere with that blow. My body was weakened enough. I saw a shadow at the end of the alley and I tried to scream, but he covered my mouth with his sweaty palm. It ran away.
"I've been by your side longer than anyone else. I served you my whole life, so why? Why can't you take me in consideration too? How is Porsche any better than me?? He got nothing of your usual preferences in men. Why!?"
I could feel the frustration in his voice. I could see the adrenaline turning into the slight tremble in his tone. His eyes pierced through me like arrows, dark and... lustful. It's like I'm looking at myself in the mirror. Every time I see this look of desperation in his eyes, I try to remember what makes me better than him.
Big let go of my face, but gripped tightly on my wrists. He is definitely not underestimating me. Good for him.
"Do you really want to know the answer?" I asked on a sly tone.
For this game, you need two players, Big. Players. It remembers me how much of a dick I used to be.
"The betrayal" I said.
He flinched.
"W-What?" he asked naively.
"Don't play dumb. Let me ask you, Big. How many times did you backstab me until now? Twice? Ten times? Every day?"
"But how! How did you know!?" he asked in shock.
He was furious. On me? On himself? Hard to tell.
It's more.
"I wasn't born yesterday. People change when they have something to hide. Intuition. You'll see later. Vegas is not your ally and he will never be"
There is a big difference between you two. Vegas just wants me dead while you, on the other hand...
You want more.
"Why am I still here if you knew?" he questioned.
"Obviously because it was better to keep you close, wasn't it? Now you know. Still, I won't fire you, but if you want to quit, do it. I don't care anymore... Let me go now"
He didn't.
"Kinn"
The way he said my name, like a curse, gave me goosebumps. This is the first time I heard Big calling me without Khun. I never thought he'd be able to take it further than hungry looks and fantasies. Fear started to grow deep inside me, together with disgust and dizziness because of the alcohol.
"If you won't accept on your will, I'll have you anyway, even if it's just for once"
"Don't you dare! Big! You bastard!"
You want me.
He leaned over to kiss me, but I hurried to move my face sideways. I struggled and cursed him with the last trace of strength, but it was useless. I'm weaker than him. Big held my wrists above my head and covered my mouth with his hand again. He pressed his tough body against mine, trapping me between him and the wall. His teeth sank hard into my neck and I couldn't restrain a muffled moan from slipping off my lips. His thigh started grinding between my legs and the frustration caused by my vulnerability was suffocating.
It makes me feel guilty. I feel like I'd be cheating.
The repulsion and need were killing each other inside me, resulting in both emotions of disgust and arousal. But why?? Did I drink too much? Did he put something in my glass? What I'm sure of is that his touch alone is definitely not the reason. It's me who is the problem.
Big's tongue licked my neck and I exhaled all the air from my lungs. I stopped struggling since my body weakened to the point where I barely stood on my feet. It's too much to handle.
Porsche...
Fuck...
I wouldn't mind if it was him doing this to me. I wouldn't mind if the hand which sneaked under my shirt and slipped over my stomach, if that hot touch which traced the lines of my body with the tip of his fingers and if those soft lips which sucked on my skin with so much hunger as now were all his. The pressure between my thighs was almost painful. I'm erect and that slow and hard friction I felt through the cloth was exasperating.
His thigh moved away and was replaced by his hand, which squeezed and rubbed with his fingers in a way that I couldn't ignore, in a way that made me feel my own desires and cravings for sex rush through my veins, heating up my body and darkening my mind even more than it was already.
"Ah, Porsche..."
Shit, I didn't mean to say it out loud. The sudden realization tore down the fantasy and brought me back to this stupid reality. What followed made me even more aware of how pathetic I am.
"Don't you dare moan his name in front of me!" Big yelled disdainfully.
He let go of me and slapped my face so hard that my sight turned blurry and the next second I was on my knees. I can feel the cold breeze of the wind brushing over the bare skin of my shoulder, the throbs in the biting marks he left on me and the blood rushing in my cheek.
"Big! You fucker! another voice yelled.
I hesitantly looked toward the end of the alley. It was Porsche, with both Tem and Jom standing somewhere behind. I'm sure it's him this time. He came over and pushed Big away from me. The latter was fuming with anger and so was Porsche. They both started fighting and I could only lean my back against the wall behind me.
"How fucking dare you!!" Porsche cursed.
"It's everything because of you! Since you came in this house, everything changed!" Big said with frustration.
"Don't be so full of yourself!"
They exchanged some more punches and I barely could watch them. I can’t believe how much determination was in Porsche’s eyes and how mad Big could be, fighting for something he could never have. Is he aware of it? I don’t know, but I wanted to clarify this once and forever.
"Even without Porsche, I would never have been with you, Big. Remember that..." I said enough for both of them to hear me.
Big froze in place and Porsche took advantage of his hesitation to punch him again. In the end, Big withdrawals and flees through the other side of the street. Porsche spat the blood out of his mouth and glanced at me, panting, with a look in his eyes that it's hard to describe. I don't know what he means through it, but he definitely looks hurt.
"Now you're making out with Big? He didn't seem too satisfied though" he said, hiding everything under that toxic statement.
"It's not it..."
He turned to his friends and told them to leave. They did as Porsche asked and soon, it was only the two of us. He crouched in front of me and carefully pushed my face sideways to inspect my body.
"I was sure something like this would happen..." I whispered.
I pulled the hem of my shirt to cover my shoulder, but my hand was shaking so much that I couldn't do it properly. How awful.
"What" Porsche said with fake indifference.
"The second you left the house... " I continued.
"Why the fuck didn't you fight back? Unless you-..."
"Unless nothing!" I said over him. "What was the point anyway? Sooner or later, the results would have been the same"
His brows frowned, not underestimating right away what I meant.
"So you knew. What the hell, Kinn..."
Yes. I knew. I've always known that Big had a thing for me. It's not that hard to notice those glances filled with lust every time I passed through his face... And it's not hard to notice the look in Porsche's eyes when he stares at the marks left on my neck. Is it disgust? Repulsion? Or jealousy? Is he hurt by it? Maybe all of them, maybe none. He lifted my chin and looked at my face. I closed my eyes and he absently brushed his thumb over my red cheek. That soft touch was enough to calm down the ocean of frustration inside me.
"I'll bring you back home" he said.
"I thought you hate me"
He withdrew his hand.
"I do, but you know what I hate more? The fact that I can't get you the fuck out of my head and the disgust I feel toward Big's actions. Can you explain me why I couldn't simply let you get railed by that bastard?? Because I can't"
He stood up and pulled me by my wrist, forcing me to follow. He had to support me in order to get to the car.
"Why are you in this condition? What did he do to you? You're shaking as hell"
"I don't even know"
"Should I bring you to a hospital maybe?"
"No..." I said on a weak tone.
I couldn't take my eyes of him. Porsche came back to me this easily... He left just a few hours ago in a miserable way, yet he is here, driving me home after a fight that wasn't his at all. The tingling sensation and warmth within my heart are enough to answer all my questions. I was so stupid, such an idiot...
I tossed my head back on the headrest and closed my eyes. The silence of the night road and soft purr of the car's engine were all calming, together with Porsche's presence and scent.
"How could you be so reckless, damn it!" Porsche muttered.
I put my hand on the side of my neck and scratched the skin with my nails.
"What would have happened if I hadn't been there, huh?"
My fingers were cold compared to my skin, which felt hot under my touch. I flinched at first, but then I got used to it and continued to brush my fingers toward the back of my neck.
"Have you thought about the possibility of being killed by him?" Porsche continued.
"Excluded" I said with a sigh.
"How so?"
"Because he wanted me"
I slipped my other hand on the inner side of my thigh and stroked firmly up and down.
"Disgusting" Porsche answered. "You should've fired him a long time ago"
I'm fucking hard, dizzy and sexually agitated from earlier. Gosh, I want to do it so bad that my body is squirming with need.
"The fuck are you doing!?" Porsche asked after he glanced at me.
"I can't stand it anymore..."
"Control your urges, damn it! Are you on drugs or something?!"
"I don't know!"
Fucking hell, this is so frustrating!
"I swear to God, if you jerk off next to me, I'll kick you out!"
I ran my hand through my hair and bit hard on my lips. I opened my eyes and I was glad to see that we are not far from home. I really don't know how to fight this urge and just touching myself definitely wasn't helpful.
When the car stopped, I felt relieved. Despite Porsche's visible reticence, he still helped me walk back to my room, where he put me on the bed. He hurried to leave, but I quickly grabbed his wrist. He could've easily withdrawn his hand and leave, but he just remained in place, waiting quietly.
"I never wanted to ignore you" I whispered.
"But you did. Don't you think it's too late for this?"
"No!"
You're finally willing to listen to me. Of course I'll take the opportunity. What scares me the most now is the possibility of losing you over something so stupid.
"I was confused. I wanted to be honest with my feelings, but I focused too much on myself"
I was so invested into understanding that I forgot to take in consideration your own feelings. I couldn't ever imagine someone feeling something so deep for me the same way you do. I forgot how it feels to be loved. I only searched for hidden intentions while everything was so clear. You wore your heart on your sleeve and look what I've done.
"I hate Tawan. I never thought for a second to return to him. I wanted to make sure that I'm completely over him, that I'm not attached to you just because I missed him. I don't miss him. I miss you...
I don't want to compare you with Tawan. I don't want to see him in whatever thing you're doing for me. I want to draw a clear line between my past and present. I don't want my past to hunt me anymore. I don't want to run around and pay to feel something more than frustration and regret.
"Do you know how much I killed myself around the fact that I'm simply not good enough for you?" Porsche said in a low voice. "How much I could hate myself for not having a clear skin? How disgusted I felt to see myself in the mirror? You think that I'll just swallow your words and be all confident again?"
I know that's impossible. This is not something which can be fixed in just a few days. It takes time, just like a deep wound to heal. And in most cases, this wound will leave a scar behind.
"I'm truly sorry..." I whispered.
Porsche returned to his vulnerable self. He sighed and stared blindly in the corner of the room.
"You should've said so from the beginning..." he murmured.
"How? I wasn't sure of your feelings either"
We never told each other a damn thing because we've never actually listened to each other. We hid our feelings and it confused both of us. For Porsche, everything was brand new and overwhelming. I was supposed to help him navigate in this ocean of emotions, but I was too scared to experience this again. I wanted to lock up my heart within thick walls to avoid feeling anything. At first, all I wanted was sex, but this idiot jumped in deep waters and forcefully pulled me after him.
The walls broke down and now we are both drowning in cold waters.
Breathe.
His wrist is warm. I can feel his pulse through his skin and obviously his heart was racing the same way as mine. I brushed my thumb in circles over that area and pressed gently. I find it harder to calm down.
Is there a chance for us to learn how to swim?
I let go of his wrist and curled my body on the cold bed sheets. My breath became more raged and I couldn't help but pull on my shirt to take it off.
"Is there anything I can do for you...?" Porsche asked concerned.
Breathe.
You can't hate me. You say you do, but we both know that's not true. I said I don't care anymore, but that's not true either.
I care too much. You care too much.
It hurts too much. We feel too much.
I crave too much.
"I need you to fuck me"
"You're still in the mood to joke!?" Porsche asked startled.
"Agh, but I'm not joking..."
Shit, I've never asked for such a thing in my life. I've never been topped by anyone and I could only imagine how it was supposed to be.
"You're asking for too much!" he said without taking his eyes off me.
I know.
I moved to lie on my back after I threw the shirt off and let my hands roam over my chest. The fact that he's still watching turns me on even more.
"It shouldn't be that hard for you..." I said trying to encourage him.
"How the fuck am I supposed to do you!? I can't!"
"Why not? You were straight before. Of course you can top too, dammit!"
"It can't be the same thing!"
Well, it definitely isn't the same thing, but the results are the same. He's somehow caught between his own feelings and pride and it's hard to tell which one is dominating.
I turned my head to gaze straight into his eyes. I raised my chest and slipped my hand over it, tracing my collarbone with my fingers. Shit, I could feel the rumble of my own heart through my skin. I breathed out soundly as I pressed my fingers on my chest, following a straight path toward my abs. I noticed Porsche gulping and I couldn't help but grin slyly.
"Fucking God Kinn!" Porsche cursed.
"You want me or not?"
"You are an asshole"
He came to sit on the edge of the bed, next to me, and leaned over for a kiss. I felt the hesitation behind his gesture, but I convinced myself to not hurry anything and let him discover his own rhythm. I'll be patient. This experience is the perfect opportunity to replace our memories, to mark the end, a new beginning or both.
His mouth feels soft and warm, way too careful than usual. I can also feel his feelings through it: insecurity. He waited for me to eventually turn around and switch roles, but I don't want to do it. I don't know how else I can give him a better opportunity to feel in control, to realize that he is more than enough. I want him to be more daring with his actions and understand how obsessed I am with him.
Breathe.
He softly caressed along my jawline with his thumb, his eyes fixed on me. I leaned into his touch and I couldn't think of anything but how comforting I found his warmth. I swallowed my saliva and closed my eyes as his hand slipped down to my chest. His lips found their way on my neck while his other hand sneaked into my pants. I flinched at his touch.
I swear I could feel the heat of his body passing through my sensitive skin. He stroked firmly up and down, every rub being hot and aching for another. His teeth bit harder as he moved closer to the sides of my neck. He started to be more eager to control. His jaws clenched hard especially over Big's marks... It hurts, but I can't complain. It's much better to know that it's him doing it to me. It's more pleasant to know these are his marks. I want to completely get rid of Big's image, yet I believe those eyes will probably hunt me down a long time from now on, but not right now.
Breathe...
Porsche stopped and quickly pulled his shirt off. I lifted my hips and stripped down, daring to leave myself all exposed in front of him. His sight lingered all over my body, with a different look in his eyes. It's still desire, but more pure, because his feelings are real. There's no ambition at all. He is not trying to gain anything from it and we both are just being swept up with the flow of complicated yet so simple emotions.
How obvious is it that he loves me?
Porsche searched for lube and poured some in his palm. I raised my feet and moved to stay in a comfortable position. This way, I could try to relax more efficiently.
"Ok, so you'd better tell me exactly what you want because I have no damn clue what I'm doing" he said so serious that it made me laugh.
"It's not funny!" he insisted.
You can be in control very well. I want you to do whatever you wish to me. I really won't complain about anything.
"I just want to feel your touch" I whispered.
"S-Shit, Kinn... You're impossible"
Two slick fingers rubbed against my rim in a circular and slow movement which made my insides twitch. Shit, I didn't know it could be this difficult to keep it cool. I tried to focus more on my breathing rather than his touch, but the thrill which pulsed through my veins didn't let me enough time to get used to the idea. Porsche watched with so much curiosity that I can't even describe how exposed I feel. Am I like that too?
His finger pressed slowly inside me and, oh fuck, what the hell is this?? My breath hitched on its own. I can feel him rubbing in and out with shallow thrusts, together with the feeling of growing heat.
"Does it hurt or something?" Porsche asked, following my gestures.
"Not really but... it feels weird"
"Wait, you're telling me that you never did it before?"
"No"
He pushed deeper and I found it harder to relax than I expected. I've always told Porsche to do it when I penetrated him because I knew it feels better for the taker, but damn. He leaned over to kiss me out of the blue and his tongue darted into my mouth. He thrust his finger a few more times before he inserted the second one, as carefully as the first. It feels too tight already, even though the motion is smooth. Porsche bit on my lips and continued to press his fingers around my insides. He searched upwards with different pressures until he got deep enough to brush over my spot.
I felt my insides contracting as I moaned softly in his mouth. Fuck, he kept hitting that spot and I swear I never felt something so electrifying before. He licked and sucked on my tongue with so much delicacy that my body went limp under his touch. No doubt he is experienced too. Even so, there's still something dark inside me, something which made my thoughts a mess and fucked with my patience.
Am I worthy of your attention? Do I deserve to be treated so gentle?
Why is it me who feels like that all of a sudden? What right do I have to feel all insecure now? Porsche went through a whole mental breakdown because of me, yet he can look at me and kiss me with so much passion.
"Ah, f-fuck..." I said softly.
Porsche used his thumb to press on my perineum. I knew it's supposed to feel good regardless the pressure, yet it's different when you actually get to feel it on your own. Everything was new to me.
"Is it enough?" he asked to make sure.
"Yeah..."
Since this is my first time bottoming, it’s hard to make me loose easily, no matter how well he wanted to prepare me.
This is more than I deserved anyway.
He pulled out his fingers and a wild impulse took over me. I don't understand myself anymore. I can't describe this thirst which got into me out of nowhere.
I got up and pushed him back against the wall, and then I sat on his lap. I kissed him with infatuation and worked on his clothes to get rid of all of them. Porsche was hard and he didn't do anything to protests, kissing me back with the same need. I couldn't resist and started to rub myself against him. Low moans formed in the back of our throats as I gradually pressed harder. I rose on my knees and then I lowered my body, closer to him, until I felt his hardness right behind my back.
"Ah, fuck, wait a second" Porsche insisted and reached for the lube. "Is it ok for you to do it like this anyway??"
Why do you care so much? Why does it have to be so complicated?
I only nodded and waited for him to rub himself up. This position always aroused me the most, not only because I had a great view over the one riding me, but also because I could go all the way in easily without much effort.
I want you to be satisfied. I want you to feel it. I want to feel your hands all over my body and hear your moans on my skin.
Fuck. I'm selfish.
Porsche put his palms on my hips and kneaded the skin with his fingers. He seems to be a bit nervous, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him again. It's like an alter ego took over me. I don't feel as the usual me, I don't feel like the person who argued hours ago with Porsche and I certainly don't feel that strong right now.
Porsche's warm hands caressed my waist and back, showing impatience while also being somehow reserved. His fingers dug into the flesh of my hips and he swallowed multiple times before looking back at me. I deeply inhaled his scent and lowered my thighs down. My breath froze in my throat and my whole body flinched to the feeling of slowly being opened up. I tried to sway up and down, gradually getting lower on him, but I really needed to get used to everything before going further.
First of all, it's more difficult than it looks to sync my own movements and secondly, it feels incredibly hot inside. I can feel my own sweat running down my neck.
"God, you feel amazing!" Porsche whispered on my skin.
He shoved his face in the crook of my neck and kept nibbling with his teeth, his breath fanning my skin whenever he exhaled sharply.
I wanted to take it in more, but finding the right angle to feel good for me too was another thing that I found harder to do than I thought.
"Agh, fuck" I cursed.
It's almost painful, but I continued to move on the same slow pace. Halfway. It's like my lower body started burning around Porsche and all my emotions were mixed up.
"Mmh..." Porsche hummed softly.
God, his voice sounds much different than any other time, deeper, so exciting that it made my insides and core twitch. I want to hear these moans of his more.
"Relax" he whispered. "It will hurt otherwise"
"I-It's fine"
His lips pressed gently along my neck, now covered with accentuated marks, and along my collarbone, where he sucked lightly on my pale skin.
I don't deserve you.
When I found it right, I decided to drop myself down and take it in with one blow. Porsche gasped and I moaned through clenched teeth, digging my nails into his shoulders. It's easier to endure that stinging sensation at once rather than a slow teasing.
"Shit Kinn, you're tight as fuck"
Chills ran down my spine and my breath became too labored to calm down. The feeling of being filled up is both uncomfortable and addictive. I lifted myself on my knees, up and down, feeling my tightness throbbing and burning with every push in I did. Porsche held tightly on my waist and readjusted his position, resulting into something which made both shiver. I tried to focus on his touch and voice instead of my own burning insides. Porsche straightened his back and insisted to guide my motions with his hands. He slightly pulled me toward him and pressed down on my hips without hurry. It started to feel better as I tried to relax my tensed body, and then I felt the shiver again, like a sudden shock.
"Ah, Porsche..."
He kissed me with his soft lips and I moaned again in his mouth. He repeated the same motion, more steady and more accurate, smooth and deep. He put aside his inhibitions and focused all attention on me and how it feels for me. His curious yet seductive eyes didn't let me out of his sight. Every slow thrust brushed over my spot and I felt the waves of heat and pleasure spreading through my body, through every nerve ending in my skin.
"Uuhh f-fuck..." I gasped breathlessly.
I found Porsche's soft and low moans sexy. I pulled myself up and down by hands and thighs, chancing the pace little by little.
"You feel so good... Kinn"
I kept hurrying the rhythm until I found myself literally bouncing on him while tension was slowly building up inside me.
Shit, It’s really shocking how obsessed I can be with him. How the fuck did I not understand these feelings earlier? How could I be so ignorant before?
I don't deserve you.
I started to do it so hard that Porsche couldn't keep it down anymore, both of our voices echoing through my large and dark bedroom.
"Aahh, like this... I'll come before you..." he said.
My mind took over again and I barely could focus on the present. I remembered a lot of the things I did since the day I met him, how I used to think about him, how much I disrespected and humiliated him in front of the others.
I don't deserve you!
My eyes started to sting and my sight turned blurry. I'm doing it so rough that my body is shaking. I sank my nails in Porsche's shoulders and he did the same in my hips, moaning.
What the fuck am I doing...?
"Shit. Kinn, slow down..." he said on a choked tone.
It hurts and it hurts, but in the back of my mind, that's what I actually deserve.
"Kinn!"
He slipped his hands on the sides of my waist and pushed me down on the bed. I screamed to the force he used as he stood on his hands, on top of me, without breaking the bond.
"Aghh..."
"What's wrong with you??" he asked puzzled.
Shit, he was balls deep inside me and he didn't move, breathing as heavily as me. Seeing his eyes looking so endearing, with a shade of both warmth and coldness, made my heart flicker with pain and guilt.
"I'm really sorry..." I said with a note of fragility for which I couldn't help but feel ashamed.
My eyes were blurry with tears, too stubborn to fall, to stubborn to not come out. Porsche wanted to say something, but he paused. He carefully pulled out and reached for the lube.
"You're an idiot"
He poured some more and slowly pushed back inside as he wrapped his slick fingers around me.
"Uuh..."
"I won't last much" he added.
He started moving with care and his hand synced with the pace. It feels way too good for me to last either, but I still couldn't stop my thoughts.
"I..."
"Don't" he said, cutting me off.
He lifted my thigh with his other hand. The tension built up fast. My body softened, overwhelmed with pleasure and heat again. It's different than earlier. It's more... sentimental. It's like we could feel each other's emotions.
"I said that returning to you again... would be a huge form of disrespect for myself" Porsche spoke through his breaths. "I wanted to hate you, but I really can't. I'm...too fond of you"
We're both drowning...in cold waters. It's suffocating.
Breathe...
"I thought that... nothing could ever change my mind. I know how... stubborn... and prideful you are. I thought... you'd never admit you were wrong..."
It's true. The old me would never have admitted. If it was someone else, I would never have bowed my head. I would have just let it pass. I wished to never involve my feelings again. I just wanted to play around. But you? You changed me.
What if...
His hand stoked firmly up and down until I couldn't hold it in anymore, I arched my back and came with soft moans of relief. Porsche came right after me and fucked me slow through his climax.
"Aah, s-shit" I said under my breath.
Porsche pulled out and I could feel his hot cum dripping out.
"You know? I never imagined seeing you miserable, even though I heard the stories form Pete"
He's talking about Tawan...
"Do you really trust me so much?" he added.
"I do... a lot" I said gazing into his eyes.
"You really swallowed all of your vanity this time, didn't you?"
He wasn't angry, mad, disappointed or anything. It's almost like he admires me. Does he think that my surrender is a sign of courage? Something to be proud of? Maybe he takes it as a proof that I feel more than I let him see.
What if... We learn how to swim together?
"Do you think that... I mean... Can start over?" I dared to ask.
My thighs were shaking from earlier and now I feel dominated by anxiety and fear. I don't want to lose you.
Please stay. I'm begging you. I promise I'll change. I've already changed, but I'm willing to do more. I need you by my side. I can't breathe without you...
"If you really want someone like me in your life..." he said moving his sight away.
I hugged him by his neck and shoved my face in his shoulder.
"Someone like you it's exactly what I desperately need, Porsche..."
He sighed and tucked his face in my neck. The feeling of his low breathes and lips pressed on my skin calmed me down.
"Give me some time" he whispered.
Can we really swim together through this ocean of feelings?
*
When I woke up, I was laying on my stomach, with my hands around the pillow. The bed was empty. I lazily looked around the room after I turned to lie on my back. He left, didn't he? Of course he did. Why would he stay after all? Where did he go? Home? To his friends? Everywhere is better than here I guess. How much time do you want? I'll be patient. I'll wait as much as you need...
The bathroom door opened and Porsche walked out wearing my clothes, with his hair wet.
"Oh, did I wake you up?" he asked as he walked around the room.
"N-No"
I’m dazed. God, I'm so blessed to see him the first thing in the morning. I smiled faintly without taking my eyes off him.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing. I just realized how much I love you"
"Idiot..." he said, but his lips twitched into a smile.
Yes. We're breathing.
Yes. We can swim together.
No, I still don't deserve you, but I'll work hard to change that. I want to be worthy of having you and I want to make you proud for being mine.
***